Don't own Naruto or Adventure Time.
XVI: No-Good Hero
Every day was the same old, same old. A hamster stuck running loops in a wheel yet found comfort in redundancy. He never wanted anything extraordinary and with the fourth ninja war done, life became peaceful.
The sleepless nights, the constant battle, the sacrifices and perseverance paid off.
All that freedom just to shut the alarm before it screeched and retreat under the covers of bed. He barely had work to do and only showed up when called.
Days, weeks, months. Shikamaru became one with his house. Every creak, every step, every jingle, every beep, every footstep... He felt them all.
Drinks, hang-outs, vacations, visitations, he passed on everything and day after day, his friends bothered him less and less until, to no surprise, they stopped. Except two. Chouji and Naruto just loopholed his routine. Chouji brought the hang-out to him and Naruto forced him to hang-outs.
How did he even score friends, to start with? He wasn't particularly interesting or funny, barely contributed to conversations, barely ever hung out and preferred to keep to himself. To this day, that remains a mystery.
A gleam of orange peeked through dark clouds, highlighting the early night. Crickets chirped and the light from Ichiraku's paved the pavement like a spotlight.
The chatter and laughs of customers inside the restaurant, the clattering of plates and utensils from the kitchen, the whisking of ingredients and shifting of stools by the counter outside where he quietly watched his ramen beside Chouji, Naruto and the others
He stirred the noodles and occasionally poked the beef, his eyes nowhere but the whirlpool within the broth.
Naruto nudged him but he replied with nothing.
"Ugh, what a downer."
"Come on, Ino," Chouji said.
"She's right," Sakura said and chuckled. "He's lucky Temari isn't here, she'd knock some sense into... Blah... blah... blah"
Even after an hour, Shikamaru had yet to finish a bowl. Not because he had no appetite, just... Well, he didn't know. But more people left as it got darker, so that was a plus. Ino and Sakura too.
A pair of chopsticks dropped a wing into his broth. He traced it up to Sakura who smiled at him.
"You think too much, Shikamaru," she said. "Learn to have fun."
"Maybe it's fun to thin—Agh!"
Ino knocked the back of his head like a busted TV and they laughed. "Very funny, you bastard."
A sigh left him and so did the group, one by one, until it was just him, Chouji and Naruto.
"They're kinda right."
"Why deal with it then?" Shikamaru asked, eyes blank on the broth.
Chouji flinched. "That's—"
"What kinda stupid question is that?" Naruto stretched chopsticks over and stole his chicken. "You really are the idiot king."
"H-Huh?" Shikamaru sweatdropped. "What in the world are you on about now?"
"You understand your enemies but not your friends?" Naruto reached for Chouji's meatball. "Ain't that idiot behaviour?"
"Yep—Oi." Chouji smacked his hand away—damn near chomped it.
At first, it made no sense but at second, it did.
He... Only ever understood people with bad intentions.
He received kindness and suspected it. Thought of friends the same way he thought of an enemy. If that was idiocy, then, fine, he'd take the title. Not everyone had the same overly optimistic view. Humans were inherently selfish. Right from the womb, babies leeched off their mothers and offered nothing but pain in return. And the moment they're uprooted, they cry.
Can't blame him if he peered at a greedy world through cynical lens.
"If I'm the idiot, what does that make you two?" Shikamaru asked.
"Oh, we're idiots too."
"You're just top dog, ya know?" Naruto slurped noodles through a smile that kept his eyes shut.
Shikamaru could only chuckle along and they laughed under the spotlight of Ichiraku's
Just the three of them. Outside, far from his bed, around the noisiest people he knew and surrounded by things he disliked. Yet... he did not mind, not one bit.
How come?
His laughter slowly dimmed and died out. Subtle, like he never opened his mouth to begin with.
He'd achieved a stress-free life. Average days and average nights, nothing loud and nothing distracting, neither destitute nor wealthy - just enough to live comfortably.
And, yeah... mission accomplished. He did it but... he just... thought it would feel a lot better.
They dropped Chouji off and continued their way back home.
"You're gonna be Hokage soon," he said. "You finally did it, huh."
"I... kinda mouthed off to everyone. I just had to come through after all that big talk, y'know?" Naruto chuckled, a wrapped arm scratching the back of his head sheepishly.
"But you stuck to your nindo and it paid off," he said. "You... happy 'bout it?"
"Two stupid questions in one night. Of course, I am." Naruto shook his head. "But I'm not glad about the position or title."
"Hm?"
"The spot is just proof of effort, you get?"
"Somewhat."
"Itachi told me; you don't become hokage to be acknowledged by everyone. The one who is acknowledged by everyone becomes Hokage." He interlocked both hands behind his head. "Crazy to think everyone isolated me before but now, out of everyone else, they pick me to be Hokage. Basically, it's the meaning behind the title I'm glad about."
Funny how that was the exact opposite of what he wanted and yet, he wasn't as pumped about it as Naruto. Maybe excitement was just not his thing.
"Proud of you, man."
"When I get the spot, you'll be my advisor." He snickered. "Me and you. It'll be awesome."
"You bump up the salary and I'll think about it."
"Only?" A silent snort of laughter. "Done."
They fist-bumped.
"What about you?"
"Hm?"
"Ever get what you wanted?"
"I... don't know."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing feels different, is all."
"Look... If someone like me could become Hokage, then you could probably rule the world."
"Eh... That's a bit—"
"No joke. You could do anything. It just sucks you choose to do nothing," he said. "Your greatest enemy is yourself, man."
He understood those were words of praise but, for some reason, he felt his mood plummet. Like a slap across his face.
Not really because of what he said but because it was a wake-up call that would not dent his sleep. It was motivation wasted on the wrong person.
Naruto would find more success placing his chips elsewhere. A boring, average life was all that a boring and average person deserved. It'd be greedy for such a person to shoot any higher—
"I hope it hits you one day," he said. "Then you'll understand why you have so many friends despite your bummy attitude."
He kept his gaze on the road, what he could see of it, that is.
"It's you and you, Shika." Naruto patted his shoulder. "So prove yourself wrong."
Man.
What was the point of reminiscing anyway? Just wasted time thinking back to stuff that couldn't be undone. Yeesh, what a scam.
He sat on a slab of outcrop and watched Finn discuss with a frog. Learned it was the portal, the animal. He'd tried to test it out immediately, see if he could head back to Konoha but the damned thing just... refused. Said he had no right or permission to touch it much less use it and the only people who could grant him that permission were the King and Queen of Lumpy Space or the Lumpy Space Princess.
Lucky for him, Finn had the permit so they could get into Lumpy Space, at least.
After a few minutes, he walked over.
"What's up?"
"We're good, let's bounce."
He glanced down at the frog as it scanned them with almost robotic eyes.
"No weapons," it said.
He set aside his pouch and even though the frog meant him alone, Finn dropped his sword as well. Maybe the portal worked like a reverse summon, and—
The frog shot its tongue out and Shikamaru grabbed it on instinct then Finn held onto his shoulder. Before he could piece it together, the frog retracted its tongue and swallowed them whole.
Vertigo for ten seconds and when he thought he'd fall forever, he landed back first on... air while Finn landed on his feet beside him. The rush of wind peppered him from every direction.
Shikamaru half groaned, cut off by the starry night sky of purple. It was the kinda sky one could only see if they stood on the moon. Wasn't it afternoon?
Neverending wind billowed his clothes and he soon noticed he was on a cloud.
Upon realisation, he sank deeper into it, like the clouds themselves welcomed him with a hug and, yikes, it was a lot better than he imagined. It was cotton and nothing at the same time. Hard to explain and, honestly, that was one thing he didn't feel the need to explain. The kind he willingly set aside logic for.
It took Finn three minutes to notice Shikamaru was fixed on the spot.
"Hey!"
Sigh. Regardless of the temptation, he ignored the sirens and picked himself up. He'd come close to getting back home and that was the last stop before he could return.
"Coming."
The surrealism of Lumpy Space was difficult to put into words. The kinda of place a description would never capture at a hundred. They floated and bounced off weightless clouds but his feet never felt rubber, never felt anything but wind. Each cloud was an air conditioner and cool breeze shot from every direction. Every step was a test, each one harder than the last.
They navigated past castles on clouds and roads mapped with stars. He gazed to his right where a cathedral stood, cloud people went in and out. The ticking clock high on the wall of the building was a quarter past two. Other buildings were wide awake as well. The road of stars above and below was packed with vehicles that glided through the sky and pockets of void with urgency.
Ah, so it was afternoon but Lumpy Space was stuck in perpetual night.
"Finn!"
They stopped and glanced across. A purple cloud person waved to grab their attention. He permitted the detour assuming that was the princess of Lumpy Space. Finn clarified and said it was her friend.
Shikamaru frowned but opted to stay behind while Finn went over. Could use the little time to appreciate the clouds.
He sat and stared at his wrapped arm. His body pale like the vampire's, at that point, stubbornness and the drive to get back fueled his movements.
He could barely feel his Chakra anymore and the longer he stayed, the more he lost touch with his dimension and even clan.
What was the hand seal again?
Uh...
Rat. Yeah.
He weaved and weaved and weaved and weaved until he gave up. What the hell was he doing? Of course it wouldn't work.
How annoying.
Naruto was right there next to him but he was the unlucky one.
Sigh.
Even so, he had no right to be upset. It was either Naruto or him. The soon-to-be Hokage or the soon-to-be average, the strongest shinobi in all five nations or the bum who picked clouds over people.
The choice was ABCs.
Couldn't take him out of the picture if he was the cameraman.
While Shikamaru would love to say he'd turn a new leaf after all this was over, that was just false. Regardless of how average life was, he knew nothing else. Once he returned, it was back to routine. Solace in the mundane.
He chuckled to himself and inwardly apologised to Bubblegum. He had no right to lecture anyone about anything, much less friendship.
His complacency spanned dimensions but, at least, Konoha was used to it. In Ooo, his existence in and of itself was a hassle. Especially to Bubblegum who probably spent hundreds, if not thousands just to keep him alive *and* comfortable.
He sighed. Yeah, leaving Ooo was all benefits.
Shikamaru glanced up at Finn who stood beside him with that cloud person latched to his arm, pleading about something.
Man... What was it now?
He shook his head and just asked Finn to summarise.
LSP, the actual princess, was missing. Ran away, rather, from what he could deduce. The problem was, the king and queen were unaware of this and the cloud latched to Finn; Melissa, didn't want them to know about it. She just wanted them, him and Finn, to track and bring LSP back. So it meant she was partially responsible for the disappearance.
That was the gist of it.
Wow. Surprise, surprise, another side quest. She just had to go missing now. At this point, the dimension just had to be taking a laugh at him.
"We should tell the king and queen," Finn said. "Quicker to find her that way."
"No, please!"
He turned to him. "What'chu think about it?"
Melissa turned to him. "Like, I mean... She couldn't have gone far. No need to tell leader."
Shikamaru sighed. "It's best they handle it."
"Please, no... I... You'll, like, ruin my whole life and—"
"Who. The hell. Cares. About you?"
Went right through her like transparent film.
He had no time for imaginary, non-existent squabbles of these... things. He wanted out, wanted to go home. The place needed to stop throwing quests at him, 'the hell did they think he was, a hero? Naruto? Please.
"Tell the damn king," he said. "He'll handle it."
He didn't shout but every word evoked a kind of abandoned silence that sent chills down both Finn and Melissa's spine. Like the wide-eye of a doe standing before death, like the look of a target facing their assassin.
His patience had thinned out. There was no point in pretending like he could relate to these... whatever the hell they were. He was not from Ooo. He was not as two dimensional. He was an actual human being with real and... actual... problems...
Shikamaru looked at her and she flinched.
He went open eyed for a second. At that moment, his gaze softened and he tore it away.
"O-Okay." Melissa's tone was almost nonexistent and she lowered her head as if retreating into her own skin. "S-Sorry."
"Let's just... go see the king," said Finn. "Don't worry, I'll, uh, cover you. That way, you don't get in too much trouble."
She could only nod, afraid to utter even a single word. As if anything she said would set him off.
Good. So bloody what?
What an annoyance.
Shikamaru asked her, "Do you have any leads?"
She righted herself. "Wh-What?"
"You heard me."
"S-She... She, like, uh, usually goes towards the, um, badlands wh-whenever she, er, runs away."
"Woah... Really?"
"I... I, um, don't know where exactly, though."
Shikamaru stood up.
"Th-Thats all I know, I swear!" A jolt went right through her and she cowered behind Finn. "S-Sorry! I'm... I'm—"
"You have a map?"
Melissa fumbled around and pulled another smartphone which she tossed to him. He caught it, one-handed.
"Th-There's a m-map in there," she said. "You c-can track her phone from that."
How useful...
"How do I get out?"
"B-By the portal, the gatekeepers. They'll l-let you through if... if you show them the phone."
Shikamaru nodded. "Don't let the king or queen get wind of it. I'll be quick."
Finn blinked. "Wait, you're—"
"I'll be quick." As he walked past them, he told Melissa. "I... Shouldn't have said that."
A lot of things happened. He wasn't physically right, he lost his family technique, his Chakra was almost nonexistent and he was slowly losing touch with his dimension.
He was fading away.
Regardless.
That was no excuse to say whatever. Whether they were real or not. As a shinobi, he'd learned—look, forget shinobi ethics, if his mother heard that, she'd rip him in half.
"I don't know who you are but I wouldn't want you on the wrong end of your leader either," he said. "Don't worry, I'll, ah, bring your friend back as quickly as possible."
That was it. One, two, three and, woosh, he vanished. The one he needed to speak with was LSP anyway.
Finn rubbed the back of his head. "He's nice, I swear."
"I... I c-can tell. A lil scary though." She pinched her fingers. "Does he..."
"Hm?"
"Y'know." She twiddled her fingers, red in the face.
He tilted his head, unsure what she meant.
"F-Forget it." Melissa sighed and rolled her eyes. "The badlands' pretty huge and dangerous. Will he be alright?"
"He said he'll be quick."
"A-And?"
"I believe him."
A/N: The first act will end soon.