A/N: Sorry for the delay. Stuff stuffed, life lifed. Let's keep going. Happy New Year.

Don't own Naruto or Adventure Time.

XVIII: Bandit

His body trembled as exhaustion weighed him down. Breathing became a conscious effort, and with every second, he felt heavier. He watched flames blacken wood with the same spark his eyes once held.

The villagers' pleas went through the deaf ears of the thief princess—who, ironically, had large ears. It was all blabber but Shikamaru'd deciphered enough to interrupt.

"Hey."

He commanded their attention.

"I'll handle the monster problem." He glanced at the village head. "It's why I came in the first place."

"Oh?" BP held her waist.

"The villagers won't have to worry; you get your cut, and, uh, we're all smiling in the end."

"What's in it for you?" The cat asked.

"That's up to you two," he said. "I'd hope you'd let me go, though. "

The cat narrowed its—her...? Whatever, she damn near glared a hole in his skull with purposeless distrust.

"A little desperate, arent'cha?" Bandit Princess asked.

"I am."

Bandit Princess chuckled and while she fake pondered it, he told her.

"Think about it again," he said. "There are no demerits for you. Only merits."

"Me-Mow thinks it's too convenient—"

"Untie him."

"B-But, senior—ack."

BP smacked her head and Me-Mow hissed and held her head.

Yikes, that was pretty loud.

That was pretty funny.

"Wanna fail?" she asked. "Again?"

No reply.

"Are you angry?" BP tilted her head.

This time, she shook her head, profusely.

"Good." BP nudged the cat over with her feet. "Now, do as I say."

"Oi, take it easy," he said. "She's just a kid."

He ignored the gazes of everyone who thought him mad for that, even the cat.

"You're on thin ice already," BP said. "So, watch your step. "

What a handful

Me-Mow stood over him, half pondering. He waited a bit and just when he thought to remind, she slashed. He simply tilted his head as she clawed the tree and cut the binds.

She nodded to herself as, finally, Shikamaru heaved himself up. He kicked both feet to rid them of stiffness. Took a minute to steady himself and another to keep his head from spinning.

A tad worse than he imagined but nothing to drastic. Yet, at least. He could still feel his body sink deeper and deeper into fatigue but Shikamaru couldn't act like it in front of them.

"Stupidity gets people killed, so don't be stupid, you hear?" Bandit Princess said and he heard it about four times.

He nodded and reached his hand out.

She tossed him his pouch. "Thirty minutes. If you can't, we'll do it ourselves."

"Princesses should leave the menial work to peasants, yeah?" Strapping the pouch around his waist.

"Ballsy." She bit the nail of her index finger, a bemused smile across her face. "Real ballsy."

The thief princess confiscated the phone and ordered her pet to track him. Guess she could, didn't really change a thing but BP assumed his failure because she already began to rally villagers and told them to ready their pitchforks and torches.

Well, her prerogative. He could tell the villagers knew nothing about violence but who'd dare speak up? Regardless, their inaction spoke for them. If they were with her, they were against him. Simple.

"And after we're done with the monster, I'll kill you myself."

He nodded.

With his temperature spiking, the fatigue adding extra weight to his body, and the convenience of his shadow technique gone, fighting would be more of a hassle than usual. Downright worst option. A last resort and even then, he'd think twice about it.

He stared, clenching and unclenching his hand to steady the trembling.

She looked over at him with a smile drenched in madness.

"Twenty-nine minutes left."

"I hear ya."

Both assassins looked at him, puzzled by his carefree demeanour. The cat more so as she tracked him with a cautious gaze. Gambling against the house, a bad shuffle and a bad hand didn't mean it was unplayable.

The thief princess, however, took his lack of reaction as a taunt or challenge and it broke her smile.

"Twenty-eight."

"Accurate timekeeper." He chuckled. "Thanks for the update."

"I'll enjoy killing you slowly."

"Yikes."

She really took the assassin stuff seriously, huh? What a show-off.

The Treasury loomed ahead, wooden walls bathed in the light of sunset. Sand trickled from its base, carried away by the evening breeze. Despite the name, it held a kind of reminiscent allure to it. A calming spot, reduced to malicious rumours and gossip.

He shuffled closer, both hands pocketed as each step kicked up dust, while Me-Mow followed silently, her sharp gaze flicking over the landscape. The sand evoked a vivid image in Shikamaru and, for a second, he wondered what Temari was doing. Hopefully nothing troublesome. Well, nothing 'too' troublesome... Okay. He could only hope she was doing well. Gaara, Kankuro, all of them.

Barely—if ever—visited them because he thought it was too much effort. Still did.

After he returned to Konoha, he'd visit.

Or send a message.

Or spare them a thought.

Maybe.

One thing he'd love to forget, though, was Ooo and if all went well, this damn place would be nothing more than a smoke break, assuming he didn't outright forget.

"Me-Mow is not a child."

He only arched both brows in affirmation.

She frowned but after a while, Me-Mow thanked him.

He dismissed it.

"Who are you?"

"Nobody."

"Back there..."

"Lucky dodge."

"Oh," she said. "I guess it—"

He shifted past her slash. Sigh. Everyone's a skeptic. He tripped her. She flipped and landed on her feet.

That was actually true, huh, colour him surprised.

She unsheathed her claws and, in a blink, bolted for him. Her claws dug into the sand and she swiped up—No. Shikamaru caught her claws halfway with the foot of his sandals. They dug centimetres enough for him to stomp and trap both hands. The height difference handled the rest.

He watched her try for a minute then settle for a red-eyed glare.

"I'm... 'really' lucky."

Shikamaru gently kicked and dragged her along with his sandals for a short distance before they dislodged and sent her rolling to a stop.

"Me-Mow always knew you were weird." Her face was powdered with dirt as she followed him to the treasury. "Me-Mow never trusted you one bit.

His reply was an absent-minded hum.

Shikamaru looked up at the rickety building, cobbled together with frail mahogany. Any gust could knock it over. He wondered what kind of physics kept the thing together but, sadly and luckily, Bubblegum wasn't there to over-explain it.

"Em, you..."

"No," he said.

"You didn't even let Me-Mow speak."

"Go ahead."

"Me-Mow wants to... to learn from you instead."

"That it?"

"Yes."

He nodded. "No."

She tsked in annoyance. "If... If you refuse, Me-Mow will—"

"A match begins after the whistle and bets are placed before." He glanced at her. "I'd think twice before sounding that whistle."

"Me-Mow... Me..." She drew a blank and reset. "S-Sorry. Me-Mow wants to be on your side."

He sighed.

"You don't have to teach Me-Mow," she said. "Just be Me-Mow's teacher."

"And your other teacher?"

"She... Me-Mow doesn't like her," she said. "She fails Me-Mow on purpose to keep Me-Mow as a minion but Me-Mow wants to be an assassin, not a minion. But if it's her, Me-Mow can't—"

"I get it." He sweatdropped. "I'll pose as your teacher, sure. If I pass as one."

"But, you're an assassin too."

"Because?"

"It's pretty obvious to Me-Mow," she said. "You talk like one, act like one, fight like one—"

"Empty assertions."

"Okay but... That woman is an assassin and Me-Mow too. The village people are scared but you're not," she said. "Me-Mow thinks only another assassin could do that."

A wolf is most comfortable when amongst wolves or amongst sheep.

Academy level logic. Eh, fair logic, outdated logic, but not obsolete logic, 'if it ain't broke don't fix' logic. It was logic that worked.

"I don't think that woman knows it, though."

"Let's keep it that way."

She gingerly nodded.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "To betray your teacher like that—"

"You're Me-Mow's teacher." She clenched her paws. "Me-Mow has betrayed nobody."

It was the kind of resolve he could give a nod to, at least.

"Alright, but it's tit-for-tat."

"Me-Mow will do as you say."

"Great." He motioned her close and she crawled up his shoulders. "I won't repeat myself, so here's the plan."

—

He climbed aspen steps to the Treasury, checked every tread and listened for every creak. The first step by the turning point had the weakest support and loudest creak because he heard abrupt movements from inside. He heard it, she heard it, and it probably meant anything from that point onwards was, maybe not as loud but clear.

He mentally marked it with a nod and moved to the door. The top was just as rundown, stray splinters and the smell of moss. Flies, spiders and ants buzzed and skittered past and around his feet and considering those were the rock-paper-scissors of insects, the fact they could all coexist was a testament to just how nasty the place was. The entrance and windows were boarded up.

He had no problem with how the place looked, back when they were little, he and Chouji visited Naruto all the time.

But LSP was better off than Naruto. How a princess would leave her palace to stay here full-time was... crazy, man. He'd never seen a mare in a pigsty. Just sayin'.

Shikamaru sighed.

This stuff just had to pay off, man. He didn't care how, it just had to. Hardwork always paid off, dinnit?

He sat on the frame of the boarded window and lit a cigarette. Me-Mow looked up at him from the base of the Treasury, brow arched.

Smoke break, he mouthed in a dry manner and she facepalmed. If she were in his shoes, she'd need a smoke break too.

"Who... Who the lump are you?" from inside.

Felt no need to reply.

"My dad sent you, yeah?"

"Melissa."

"M-Melissa doesn't care."

"She's your friend, isn't she?"

"No."

"Since when?"

"None of your business."

"Can't look past a little fracas, huh?"

"Little fracas?! "

"It happens, it's normal—"

"So it's normal for my 'bestfriend' to steal my boyfriend?"

Mm...

Shikamaru pressed his cigarette between his lips. Kinda stuff Chouji would call a whammy, yikes, talk about a bad soap opera.

Yeah, he was ill-equipped for this. Worst person in fact. It was such a 'so what' matter to him. A non-issue. Not to be harsh but crafting a spectacle out of something so miniscule made it impossible—for him—to empathise with her.

Now he kinda wished Ino was here or Sakura or maybe both. They were troublesome but Shikamaru gave credit where due. They'd know exactly what to do or say.

Not him.

Shikamaru believed Ooo was his final adversary, a place built around everything that worked against him. Exactly why he could never entertain the idea of staying. He could never last here.

"There." She sniffed. "Now you know."

He flicked away the finished cigarette. "You hungry?"

"Huh?"

"You hungry?"

"I... Yeah."

"Gimme a sec."

He went down, and Me-Mow followed him to keep up the facade to Bandit Princess. He grabbed some fruits from nearby kiosks, and the thief queen came through with the time, said he had fifteen minutes left, and Shikamaru thanked her for the information.

Bandit Princess then showed him the map opened up on the smartphone in some kinda 'gotcha' episode.

"Did I find out your little secret?"

"Ah, shucks..." He sighed. "I still have fifteen minutes, though."

She laughed. "Why would I—"

"I have fourteen minutes."

Bandit Princess looked at him, humour peppered her lips. Probably knew it wasn't a monster up there either. But a deal was a deal and his time was yet to elapse.

She smashed the phone into parts. "Fourteen."

He glanced down at the phone and back into her eyes. "That wasn't mine."

"Don't care." She licked her lips, slow and taunting. "Can't wait to meet her."

He sighed. Now, she'd brought Bubblegum into this. Great, just great.

"Not so confident now, are you."

"Well played."

He tracked his way back.

"Your time is almost up," Me-Mow said. "You heard her, what are you—"

"Relax."

His time wasn't 'almost' up. It was up already. Shikamaru knew those fourteen minutes were nothing but an illusion of time. In actuality, he had until any time BP decided to storm over. Which was real soon. He could already glimpse her pressure the villagers into a mob.

He told Me-Mow to stand by and went up the crooked steps once again. This time, he weakened that creaky step even more with a kunai. Then he assumed the position, slipping LSP apples through the narrow crack of the door she opened before shutting it.

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

He grabbed three smoke bombs from his pouch, poked them with a kunai and let them drop. It forced the smoke to rise in pillars.

He checked his pouch, hoping for at least one. Thankfully, he had two unsealed. Two paper bombs. He glanced at the campfire and nodded as he rolled them up and folded them twice till they could pass as a pebble. Then he pouched the paper bombs for later.

"Do you smell that?"

"Hm?"

"Like smoke."

"I lit a cigarette."

"It doesn't... Like, smell like cigarettes. It's, like, real smoke."

"Oh."

"What's happening?" She could see the smoke pillars through the cracks, but not the cause.

"The villagers are lighting torches and grabbing pitchforks."

"Wh-What?"

"Something about a monster," he said. "Nothing too serious."

It was two minutes of silence.

"Y-You there?" she asked.

"Never left."

"O-Oh, uh, okay."

He paused. "Look..."

"N-Not listening," she said. "Keep your pep talk to yourself."

"Just—"

"No!" She yelled. "Not like you care."

"Fine." He sighed. "You're right."

"H-Huh?"

"You got dumped, boo hoo, okay?"

"Um, okay? So?" she said. "The lump are you here?"

"I need your help." He rubbed his eyes. "I wouldn't be here otherwise."

"Figures. Everyone only thinks about themselves," she said. "No one... No one ever thinks about me."

"Do you?"

"What?"

"Do you think about yourself?"

"Ah... I... Yeah—"

"It's called the badlands for a reason," he said. "Why are you here?"

...

"Why should others think about you when you don't even think about yourself?"

Sounded like a waste of thought.

"What... What do you even want?"

"Sorry?"

"Like, it's not me or stupid Melissa, obviously, so...?"

"I need a stupid permit for your stupid portal."

"You, like, came all the way here, just for that?"

"Mine's, uh, busted and..." He sighed. "I... I just wanna go home."

"Oh..." she said and muttered loud. "You're in the badlands too, mister..."

"Because you couldn't cry in your room like a normal princess."

She laughed at his expense but, sure, it was a silly predicament anyway.

"Stop... stressing about stuff like that."

"Hm?"

"They made their choice. They put themselves first," he said. "What can you do? Life is selfish, and sometimes, you just gotta be too."

...

"I knew a guy who was in a similar predicament if that helps."

"R-Really?"

"Mm. It sucked but he got up and kept moving," he said. "He's king now."

...

"No worries. One day, you'll find someone who'll think about you too," he said. "But until then, put yourself first 'cause no one else will, hm?"

"You're... You're weird."

He sweatdropped, that was twice now. "Was that your takeaway?"

"No one's, like, advised me to be selfish before." She giggled. "From now on, it's me, me, me."

She misconstrued the point but didn't miss it entirely, at least.

"Selfishness is better than self-neglect, I guess."

"I needed that," she said. "Thanks."

"Keep it."

Wasn't his anyway. Sorry Naruto, kinda borrowed and stained that one a little. Yeah, regurgitated advice. Advice he never bothered with. Advice that failed on him.

But it succeeded on her, so nothing else mattered.

Shikamaru got up as Bandit Princess led the village mob. Pitchforks high, torches ablaze. Good enough timing.

"Y-You're leaving?"

"Done all I can." He sighed. "I can't force you—I won't force you to come out."

"You...You don't, like, want the permit anymore?"

"You're okay, so it means i can try again when you're ready and good."

"A-Alright."

"You sure you want to stay?" he asked. "I mean, I'm okay with..."

Shikamaru trailed off on purpose. Illusion of choice. The reality was, coming with him was the only option she had.

"What?" she said.

The closer they came, the more light seeped through the cracks of the Treasury. One of them stepped on the weakened tread and it snapped, a crack that shook the whole structure.

"Oh my gob!" She jolted. "H-Hey! What... What the heck is happening?"

Exactly what he wanted.

Checkmate.