Chapter 8: The Truth that Lies Beneath the Snow

Yukinoshita POV

"I believe this may be important to you, so let's go." Before a second thought, Hiratsuka-sensei whisked me away from the room, down the stairs, and eventually out of the building. I silently gave my apologies to the group as I faintly heard Yuigahama-san start asking where I was. Scratch that, Yuigahama-san was probably starting to freak out that I was no longer in the vicinity, and with all that has been happening over the past few weeks, something like this would definitely not sit well with someone like her. In order to clear up any more confusion, I pulled out my phone to text her that I was leaving with Hiratsuka-sensei.

Yukino: Hiratsuka-sensei asked me to accompany her. I will see you at school tomorrow.

A few seconds later, a notification popped up on my phone.

Yui: Okayyyyyy :):):):):):):):)333

Yuigahama-san and her limitless capacity for understanding and cheerfulness.

Parked in front of the school was Hiratsuka-sensei's car, a red convertible most people would find very sporty and somewhat intimidating on the road. This was probably one of the reasons why she hasn't found a steady partner yet, not including her tendencies to smoke and lash out violently against people who annoy her and hint at her single status...well I am safe as long as these thoughts are within the realm of my mind and do not make it to my vocal chords.

Oblivious to my inner thoughts, Hiratsuka-sensei unlocked the car and walked to the other side of the car towards the driver's seat. I followed suit, opening the passenger side door and taking a seat. Closing the door, I hoped Shiromeguri-senpai was the key that the two councils needed to make the farewell festival as success, though I was pretty certain the former student council president had more than enough experience and motivation to get it done. Besides, it is her festival too.

Not long after she asked me to come with her, we were speeding across the city to a place I have not yet asked her about.

"Sensei, where are we going?"

"Back to school," she replied, shifting into a higher gear as we passed a row of yellow lights. After a moment of awkward silence, Hiratsuka-sensei asked a question out of the blue. "So, Yukinoshita-san, how have you been lately?"

Heh? "Sensei, I'm not sure whether this question really has much to do with our current situation."

Hiratsuka-sensei smiled. "'Hmm...is it not appropriate that a teacher ask a student about his or her well-being? I mean, that is part of my responsibility as a teacher." She got me on that point.

"Well, I believe I have been doing quite well over the past few weeks, even with such unfortunate events occurring. I feel Yuigahama-san and Isshiki-san have been doing better lately, especially with the re-opening of the service club."

"That is true, the service club has made some things easier to bear," Hiratsuka-sensei replied. "Though I am a little surprised how well you have been taking things so far, knowing how close you guys are with Hikigaya-kun. It seems Yuigahama-san had a more… expected reaction I suppose."

I felt confusion and slight irritation at the same time. Knowing Hiratsuka-sensei, she wouldn't make a comment as such without having some sound logic behind her, yet I'm having trouble trying to decipher her words. "Sorry, but I'm not really sure what you're hitting at."

"Ah, never mind. It probably is just in your character to stay calm and collected in these types of situations." I felt as though she was trying to hint at something I couldn't understand yet, and it would not seem appropriate to dig any deeper into this until a later point in time. Therefore, the most I could really do is sit back and try to relax...unfortunately going almost highway speed on the busy streets of Chiba does little to help my cause.

Seriously, the speed we were approaching in the city would make racecar drivers feel uncertain.

"Sensei, if this trip is not a genuine emergency, I do not believe driving at this speed in a densely populated area is justified nor… very comfortable."

"Oh, this is the comfortable part of this whole trip in my mind." I made no visible reaction, yet I felt a small shiver run down my spine… what could possibly be more uncomfortable than riding in Hiratsuka-sensei's car? I could only speculate of what was to come when we arrived at Sobu High… maybe-

"We're here." As expected, an unpleasant situation arrives before I have time to think of anything. Well, it won't be much time before this is over I presume. And I've been through multiple unpleasant situations, more than I would have hoped occurring over the past few weeks. I won't let myself down this time either. I exit Hiratsuka-sensei's car and follow her into the school. It was close to sunset, the reds and oranges of the sky appearing in spots the clouds weren't occupying.

We round the corner, up the stairs, across a hallway, towards a place I was still uncertain of. It wasn't the clubroom, nor the faculty office, nor her homeroom, so where...oh. We stopped in front of door, and the room title said it all.

Office of Student Records. Test scores, essays, student report cards, and anything recorded on paper about any student can be found here. It was the storage vault of all student information, and probably the least visited room in the school.

This room has been off limits to students since the school was built, so I was wondering what Hiratsuka-sensei was trying to accomplish in bringing me here. There are certain rumors about previous students attempting to enter the room, but no one has been able to enter successfully, only increasing my confusion over Hiratsuka-sensei's reasoning. Ultimately, there was only one way to find out for certain, as she unlocked the room and allowed me to pass the threshold into a place probably no student has ever stepped in before. "So… what are we doing here?"

"Well, for starters, help me organize these folders. One of the new teachers messed it up and I was assigned to fix it up."

Wait...is this the only reason why I was brought here, in order to help a teacher with her responsibility with no benefit to myself? I believe I am quite selfless in helping others, especially through the service club, but I'm certainly not a charity. Before continuing any further, I cross my arms and gave Hiratsuka-sensei a look that most people would translate as "Really?" It seems she understands my expression of confusion and irritation and was quick to reply.

"Don't worry Yukinoshita-san, this isn't the only reason why you're here. I'll show you the reason why I brought you here if you help me sort this out."

Fair enough. Grudgingly yet dutifully, I assisted Hiratsuka-sensei with sorting out folders in alphabetical order. Most names I saw were unfamiliar, but a few I recognized: Ebina-san, Miura-san, Kawasaki-san, Totsuka-san, all mixed together...the new teacher must have really screwed up when dealing with hundreds of student files. It took us a good twenty minutes to reorder the files in its standard position, though it felt like more than two hours in that room. I sat on one of the chairs in the room, already somewhat tired from the physical task of moving folders, as most people already know about my less than ideal stamina. Hiratsuka-sensei sighed as the last of the files were put in place, turning around to me with a face of satisfaction.

"Well, that's all done now...I guess now you deserve to see why I really brought you here. You now know that all the files are organized by alphabetical order." She started walking down to the end of the row, stopping towards the end and starting to peruse the files. "For example, here are the Y's, and one of these files…" slowly raising one folder in particular, "...is yours."

She brought the folder over to the table, its label distinctly written : Yukinoshita Yukino. Now, these folders were pretty thick, and heavy in my opinion, since they contain every collected document related to a particular student, even homework assignments. "Yukinoshita-san, I assume it's common sense to believe that everything in your folder is about you...your grades, your essays, your report cards." She let me look through my folder, and I nonchalantly flip through pages as I silently confirm that all these documents are mine. However, I noticed a pink post-it note stuck in between two pages, logically where an assignment should be. Written on the note sparked more confusion in my mind:

Summer Writing Assignment: See Hikigaya, H.

"Ah, you see the note in there... specifically, that assignment was given in your first year, a creative writing assignment I believe." Hiratsuka-sensei walked back to the cabinet, this time toward the front third of the files, again looking at the names before plucking another thick folder. By logical reasoning, she would have chose Hikigaya-kun's folder, which is proven correct as the folder is laid down before me: Hikigaya Hachiman. But, why would a writing assignment I wrote have anything to do with Hikigaya-kun's folder?

"Sensei, is there by any chance an error in having my assignment in Hikigaya-kun's folder?" She smiled at my question, then shaked her head in response.

"Well, it is possible for a mistake to occur in this giant mess of student documents, but this one here is an exception." She opened Hikigaya-kun's folder, and I couldn't help but notice the grades in his folder as she flipped through. The grades were mostly about average, some subjects higher than others, while essays receiving disgracefully low scores. I heard a tiny giggle escape my mouth as I noticed he received a zero on a question simply asking "what is your favorite ice cream flavor", as it lines up perfectly with his character. Hiratsuka-sensei stopped in between two pages, revealing another note attached to a paper-clipped bundle of papers. The written note was again to the point: Summer Writing Assignment - Includes Yukinoshita Y.

"But Sensei, you haven't explained why this assignment is in his folder."

"I'll get there," she replied, taking out the papers and the note. She hands me the papers, I assume to read them, and I immediately recognize the essay she was talking about. This paper was the summer assignment I wrote about the trip to Chiba summer camp back in middle school, the time I became lost...and was saved...it was an embarrassing story, and seeing it again made my face heat up a little. "That essay of yours really was something...but what became interesting later on was after we collected all the essays to organize them. We had to check to see if everyone's story was unique, so no one copied someone else's work."

I had no idea where this was going, but for some reason I felt tense after looking at the paper-clip attached to this wad of papers, meaning my paper was combined with another essay. It couldn't have been…

"However, when we found Hikigaya-kun's essay and compared it to yours, it wasn't plagiarism, but in fact two accounts of a similar story."

"Similar story?" I asked, finding my voice somewhat weaker than before. I remove the paper clip, separating the essays into two, now with my essay with one hand and his essay in the other. I put down my essay and stare at the other now, noticing his name scratched onto the paper in his usual handwriting. Following the prompt of "Creative Writing Assignment" was his response:

This is probably the only time I will try on a writing assignment just for the sake of documenting an event that is marginally more important than what happens on a daily basis in my life. The fact that the story revolving around a person I will probably never meet ever again also makes it easier to write about, as you will find out in future years my effort will only reflect what I believe is necessary to graduate from this school, no more. This is the only exception.

The story starts around the end of my third year in middle school, though the time really doesn't matter...it is about an overnight trip to some camp...which I do not really know why a school would waste taxpayer dollars on this sort of "fun" activity. Scratch that, multiple schools also attended this camp, so our district wasn't the only one in this trap. Anyways…

The story continued, again written in the same manner only expected from a rotten-eyed loner, but my eyes couldn't stop reading, almost in disbelief. Then it hit me.

In the woods, almost out of nowhere, I see this girl, sitting on the rocks. Long black hair, curled into a ball, looking scared as hell….

No...this whole time…

She probably couldn't have seen me in the darkness, but I could see her pretty well.

My head started spinning, as if the world revealed a secret I wasn't supposed to know.

In fact, I never told her my name, and vice versa, but I did give her my initial "H"...ironic how it didn't matter which initial it was.

I couldn't believe it...of all the infinite possibilities that could have occurred…

Although it probably doesn't matter to me anymore, it still might have a semblance of importance to her…

...even when I didn't know him yet…

I probably did save her…

...he saved me.

My heart kept thumping while the rest of my body remained motionless, the paper Hikigaya-kun wrote almost two years ago still in my right hand, which refuses to let go. I could no longer read the words on the paper, realizing my hand was shaking under the pretense of trying to release my grip. My mind couldn't process anything anymore: everything in the world froze over, except for myself and this piece of paper...this...fact that...that Hikigaya-kun was always…

...there to save someone.

"Yukinoshita-san...Yukinoshita-san?"

I look up to see Hiratsuka-sensei staring back at me, her face full of worry. "Just take it easy and relax…I was hoping to show this to you and Hikigaya-kun later on… though I guess that didn't really work out after all...I'm sorry if this is hard on you or anything."

"Hikigaya-kun…" I could only manage to say his name out loud. My hand finally reacted to all the shaking, releasing the papers, letting them fall onto the table, though the last page incidentally flipped over, revealing a sort of postscript.

In fact, I admit that I lied on one occasion in this assignment. I originally believed that this person of interest would never be seen by my rotten eyes again...but that simply turned out to be false. I believe after I entered Sobu High a few weeks late, I noticed one girl who was identical to the girl I saved: Yukinoshita Yukino. Chances are that's the last time I'll see her as the girl I saved in middle school...she's just a stranger and it'll be like we never met before. Of course, there's the less than zero percent chance this won't be the last time...and for one time in my life, I'll put a bet on the latter...

If I'm correct on this, that's Hachiman: 1, Society and all its trash: 0.

He even recognized me...it's almost too much bear.

"Sorry, Sensei...I think I'll have to go now." I managed, picking up the papers and placing them back in the folder before standing up. Before Hiratsuka-sensei could stop me, I walked out of the room, in the general direction of the school entrance. I didn't feel like talking to anyone...I just want to go home and just...think...because right now my mind can't process even the simple tasks.

Bump.

Like not walking into walls and the like. Not long after, I found myself at the school entrance...with a familiar car parked next to Hiratsuka-sensei's car.

"Yukino-chan!" an awfully familiar voice came from ahead...revealing herself as Nee-san: Yukinoshita Haruno.

Hiratsuka POV

Seeing Yukinoshita-san leave like that obviously did not sit well in my stomach, almost to the point where I felt I shouldn't have brought her here in the first place. However, I had a gut feeling this was the best for her...otherwise things would have ended up like the proposed festival: stuck in gridlock.

There was nothing else important in Yukinoshita-san's folder, so I pick it up and place it back in the filing cabinet. Hikigaya-kun's folder, however, still laid open in front of me as I made my way back to the table, showing both essays side by side. It did feel like more than just a coincidence, how two students sharing a similar past meeting again in this type of situation: almost cut out of some shounen manga.

There was a very high chance those two wouldn't have crossed paths in high school or in life, as I'm certain both of their introverted personalities makes contact out of the classroom basically impossible. Then the service club came in play.

Now, it definitely wasn't my doing bringing them together; I was going to force Hikigaya-kun into the club either way, and Yukinoshita-san was there already. So that was the only coincidence in this.

Fate? Destiny? Perhaps.

But as I look at the folder in front of me, I noticed one paper not...complete. Not blank, but literally a whole chunk of paper cut out of the page. Inspecting more closely, I take note of the assignment's prompt:

Assignment: Write a letter of what you would say if you were to run away from home.

The assignment is tied to a novel required by the school to read. How...interesting….

This only confirms my suspicion of something more than a simple runaway from home. One, Hikigaya-kun has no way to access this room, and his character limits him from any attempt to do so. This idea couldn't have been his, as a plan as sophisticated as this would've required much work.

To work is to lose, he would say. Which means..

Someone else is in play here.

I realized that I lied to Yukinoshita-san...more like withheld the truth from her. Teachers had access to the room, but one exception was to the valedictorian of the school, who is given a master key after graduation. Although the valedictorian isn't told about the access to this room, most are intelligent enough to figure it out.

I'm also surprised Yukinoshita-san was not aware of this before. She'll know eventually, since she is on track to be her year's valedictorian.

I sighed while closing the folder. But that means the Yukinoshita family would own two master keys…

Yukinoshita POV

"Yukino-chan, long time no see!" Nee-san sat beside me in the family limousine, her usual artificial cheerfulness as prominent as ever. But even with her sitting right next to me, she felt so distant, as does everything else in the world. The streets felt faded of color, sounds less distinct, muddled with the torrent of thoughts in my mind. But even my thoughts are drowned out by the beating of my heart...it hasn't stopped since I left that room...

Why do I feel this way? I...I...need to calm down.

"Yukino-chan, are you listening to your onee-chan? Or is there someone else on your mind?"

Snapping back to reality, I felt of flash of warmth sear my face...Yukino stop blushing!

"O-of course not, you've known me for seventeen years, so you should be aware of what I usually think about and what doesn't."

"Oooh, cold and calculated as always...but something seems a bit off, don't you say?" A smile formed on her lips, her eyes narrowing just a bit. I would normally come back with a quick attack to end the conversation, yet my voice failed to project a coherent response.

"Yukinoshita-sama, we have arrived at our destination." Specifically, in front of my apartment.

"Yukino-chan, you wouldn't mind me staying by for a bit...it is so cold outside, so I'll make some tea for you. Maybe that will bring that voice of yours back." Before I could protest, we were both inside the building, towards my place.

Fast forward ten minutes, and I'm sitting on my own couch while Nee-san prepares tea in the kitchen. On a normal occasion, I would be the one preparing the tea, yet she insisted so I could regain my composure. She always knew which buttons to push: it must have been a natural gift, like the inhuman amount of logic a certain-nevermind. I had to move on, since my sanity for the next hour depended on it.

She finally came back with cups of steaming tea, which I drank in hopes of calming my nerves. The next few minutes I spent in peace and tranquility, free of disturbance, just me and my cup of tea against the worl-

"Eh...I made tea and you haven't started a conversation with me yet? How rude...:"

Rude? Says the woman currently in my apartment, technically uninvited…

"Nee-san, I believe the quiet was helping my situation…"

"Ah! I see your voice is back… I was starting to worry" she replied as she moved forward, studying my face. "So...how have you been lately?"

What a familiar question. Was she spying on me during my time with Hiratsuka-sensei?

"As expected, quite normal." Which was basically the truth.

"Heh...I could tell you're lying." She leaned in, uncomfortably close now. "Or maybe you haven't realized the truth yet...ever since someone decided to make such a tragic departure…"

Nee-san, not now…

"I see you haven't been talking about Hikigaya-kun lately...trying to stay strong for your friends right?"

"I-I mean, looking forward and staying composed did help…"

"Yukino-chan… do you seriously believe concealing your feelings does any good for your friends?" I felt her attacks starting to wear down my tolerance...it would be easy for me to let out a generous amount of bitterness, or even anger...though I believed I held a higher…

"No wonder he left." I stopped, registering what my sister concocted in her mind before spitting it out in the form of words.

"What?" I asked, my eyes staring daggers, trying to hold back a torrent of remarks dying to lash out at this individual smiling in front of me.

"Well...I bet you haven't noticed how much Hikigaya-kun knows about you, compared to how little you know about him. He recognized you from the beginning, 'the girl on the rocks'-"

"How did you know that...", my former emotions evaporated, replaced by a quickened heart beat.

"Ooh...that did hit some heart strings I believe. Shizuka and I had an interesting conversation some time ago, and I gathered some relevant information, that's all. But this isn't the problem you should be worried about."

She gave a serious expression now, her eyes turning cold.

"You seriously haven't considered who might have been responsible for Hikigaya-kun's disappearance..."

"Nee-san...there is no one to blame for what happened… not even himself. I don't even believe this conversation is even going anywhere…" But even as these words escape my mouth, I feel my confidence in them deteriorating with each passing second. The steam rising from my tea couldn't mask my increasingly worried expression.

"I see you committing to denial now...a little late for that don't you think?" Wait...you couldn't actually be considering that.

"You must be kidding… a cruel joke to be nice about it…"

"Oh, I'm dead serious." She paused. "Hikigaya-kun preaches with his soul how to work is to lose, but who seems to be giving him the most amount of work?"

"No one in particul-"

"Who is on the receiving end of the effort he gives?"

"No…"

"Whose burden is he sharing when he's in the Service club?"

"No...no…"

"Who always needs to be saved?"

"..." Shuddering, I had to grit my teeth to control myself...but that control had been slowly fading away. I felt my hair come down over my face, which I didn't feel like fixing. The only thing I could manage now was preventing a waterfall from pouring down my cheeks. Crying would mean admitting total defeat to my sister….and I wasn't in the position to do that.

A splattering sound disrupted my broken train of thought, as I realized I was spilling my cup of tea on the floor. My hand kept shaking even as I used my other hand to stabilized the tea cup, causing Nee-san to show an amused expression.

"Hmm….I see you've come to terms with what I'm saying...honestly you have to feel for him a little. I always thought of him as the selfless type, but people do have limits." She let out a cold laugh before continuing. "It was only a matter of time."

"I...I"

"But really it's not entirely your responsibility I suppose. No one gave poor Hikigaya-kun a reason to stay. I believe it wouldn't take much to keep him here...perhaps just the truth is enough."

I kept quiet, just waiting for her to run out of things to say before calling it a night.

"Yui-chan had put the Service club before everything else… so at least she had a reason."

"I do feel bad for Iroha-chan...she was only a day too late."

My mind flashed back to a few weeks ago, sitting at the cafe with Isshiki-san and hearing her...confession...the tears on her face while I explained to her the fate of her "senpai", all while trying not to show my emotions.

"How did you. .." was all I could sat before choking again.

"A friend of mine was fortunate enough to witness the event add it unfolded, though she didn't know Iroha-chan so it's of no worry to you." With every word, a feeling of hatred and bitterness welled up to my tongue.

"If only any of you would have shown something genuine… maybe I could have said something to postpone his departure, but that would have played well for the fox and not y-"

"Go." Nee-san froze, both of us entangled in a staring match I knew I wouldn't win. Therefore, I mustered the strength to continue.

"Just, leave me alone, Nee-san."

After a couple more seconds of dead silence, she sighed. "Alright." She grabbed her things and began to leave, but before she made it to the door, she turned. "Hmm...giving your own Nee-san the boot do quickly? Well, technically I was uninvited…"

"But Hikigaya-kun was an uninvited part of your life, remember that Yukino-chan. G'night!"

With that, she was out the door.

I waited a couple of minutes to make sure she was actually gone before moving again. Since most of my tea was spilled, I retrieved a towel from the kitchen and wiped up the mess. I then refilled my cup and sat back down. My apartment felt much more at ease with one less individual present. Now, just a cup of calming tea and myself against the world...with the senior festival coming up, things are going in a positive direction. Sure, it did take a little help from Shiromeguri-senpai, but things did work out in the end, even in a world without Hikigaya-kun.

I noticed a drop on the floor-clumsy me, must have spilled some tea again. If Hikigaya-kun were here, he'd really be surprised and ask whether I lost my hand eye coordination-

Strange. A few more drops appeared on the floor...there must be a leak in my tea cup, which is alright since I have a spare in the kitchen…

Wait. My tea cup was on the table in front of me the whole time...then those droplets are…

I placed a hand towards my face, feeling the wetness of my cheeks, realizing with clarity the situation before me.

But...why was I crying? Logically, it doesn't...oh.

Logically. One of Hikigaya-kun's 108 loner skills...logic. Why would he be the source of my tears? Why would...those pair of rotten eyes...the monster of logic...I just can't find the answer to that.

Now, I don't even think his rotten brain could find what's the matter with me… it's all in my head, so it wouldn't help if he were here as some sort of twisted psychiatrist-

Suddenly, I could feel a stream of tears come down my face, now forming small dots on my school uniform.

I...I think I get it now. It's the absence of Hikigaya-kun that gets me, because...I don't want him gone anymore.

Not able to hold it anymore, I let myself sob, as my mind releases the floodgates of emotions bottled up. It's not only that he saved me so many times...anyone can do that...it's just his nature...his contrasting personality between a sadistic loner and a kindhearted friend...I never even acknowledged him as a friend, I admit. I never realized how much I relied on him, whether in the Service club or would never mind, and...and…

That's why...no matter how hard I tried to deny it…

...I couldn't help falling in love with him.

I thought about a few moments over the past year where I had a feeling this was the case, where I somehow harbored feelings for him. I think back to the time he falsely confessed to Ebina-san for Tobe-san to realize she wasn't ready for any relationship yet. Even though I knew it was a staged confession, I still remember the blood draining from my face, my heart almost stopping as I felt a mix of new emotions I only recognized afterwards, long after I scolded Hikigaya-kun for his act. Then, my mind flashed to the Valentine's day event, baking cookies with everyone...making a batch of cookies for Hikigaya-kun...but I wasn't able to give them to him anyway. I felt devastated the days following the event, over how I couldn't hand them over even as a friend. I must have been holding back because of my consideration for others, but not myself. Which brings me to the one moment I believed brought me to my senses, even for just a couple of seconds...back during the marathon in the infirmary. I remember cleaning up his knee after he fell during the race, thinking to myself how much of a klutz he was. I looked up to his face, almost an exact reflection of my own, surprised at the lack of distance between our faces...I couldn't figure out why my face flushed...but something in me wanted to close the distance. A part of me so desperately desired to stare into his eyes forever...because I was in love with him. For a moment, just a moment, I felt nothing but his and my breath mixing in the small space between us...the sun warmly shining from the window, time slowing down. But I knew I couldn't, since I noticed before someone possibly behind that infirmary door. I held back...but I felt resistance trying to pull back. Instead, my head started tilting forwards, closer to him, unable to control myself as I was lost in his tiny yet not so rotten eyes.

If I kissed him...right here...he wouldn't have to save me anymore...because I would be by his side, out of danger...I wouldn't feel bad relying on him anymore...if I could be a little selfish just for a second…

Maybe...maybe he could love me back-

At that moment, he pulled away, as he must have realized the precarious situation at hand. The opportunity slipped away...fading into darkness. I now find myself back in my,apartment, staring out the window. My hand was over my face, the tip of my finger resting on my lips. I suddenly felt cold again, the warmth of that sunset replaced with the cold tears, still rolling down my cheeks to my chin, some tears making it down my arm, and I broke into sobs again.

I've imagined how I could cope without him, a future without his help, and everything was alright. Objectively, as he would have seen in his mind, the world would continue to move with no hesitation. Except for my world, frozen over, incapable of moving. I never factored my feelings...my...my emotions into a decent coping mechanism, how I would continue to love him, now more than ever in fact. Even in this room, I imagined him sitting by my side...the only warmth in this hell frozen over.

By my side...something that might not have happened even if he stayed...how pathetic…

I knew I was broken. My mind was shattered in a million pieces, yet no one could pick it back up, only someone who couldn't come back. Still shaking, I make my way to the window, leaning against the cold glass, looking out into the darkness of the city, a city of no more importance anymore, to me at least. Through my puffy eyes, I focus the remains of my attention around a figure below, leaning against a streetlight, alone in the night. Tiny puffs of white floated around his face...it was freezing. I imagined him as Hikigaya-kun, perhaps waiting for someone to meet him… a place to stay...a home to go to. In the madness of my situation, I convinced myself to go outside to see for myself, so he could save me one more time. I didn't need a jacket, not a scarf neither...I just wanted to see him. As I exited my apartment, I started walking faster, then faster, rounding the steps down to the entrance at a full sprint. Maybe..maybe it was him, Hikigaya-kun, waiting for me to find him...and I would never leave his side again…

I started laughing at my own craziness, yet I kept believing that when I broke through the glass doors, he would be waiting across the street...that he would be back…

I rounded the last corner...pushing through the doors, a rush of white temporarily obstructing my vision. It cleared in seconds...and I noticed I was the only one outside.

No figure, no white, not a trace of of a human being. I was panting, bracing myself as the freezing air stung my lungs and throat. My tears, still flowing, felt hot against my cheeks, against the sub freezing temperature. It must have been a figure of my imagination...a false hope. I notice the top of my head colder than usual, realizing it was indeed snowing, a bitter wet snow that started covering the streets.

I was an idiot to come outside at this time, but I couldn't find the strength to move back in. I stayed...as something inside me wanted to scream out.

"Why…" I found my voice one more time. "Why...in such a cruel world...am I still here…"

"Idiot….idiot…." I repeated.

"Stupid!"

"Diwit!"

"Hachiman-"

My knees buckled, and I crumpled onto the sidewalk. The world spinning around me as my hands grasped the snow covered concrete, I sobbed.

"H-Hikigaya-kun…" I felt less cold just from saying his name, but it hurt that eventually I would feel the cold again, that I would have to return to the world again, even though I resisted.

"H-Hikigaya-kun…" there was nothing left, so saying anything didn't really matter...but…

"I'm sorry…" I raised my voice in the darkness of the night, the snowfall intensifying.

"I'm sorry I...I…" my voice hitched, but I kept trying.

"I...I'm sorry I'm in love with you...Hikigaya-kun!"

My body shook, as the last of my strength exited in the form of a high pitched scream, as I kneel forward to accept the futility of my efforts. It was a dead end.

"Hikigaya-kun…"

A/N: What's up guys...as promised this one was a big one...6k words, the biggest chapter by far. But it isn't the amount of words, rather the amount of feels. And the mind-blowing moments… (more where that came from in the next chapter)...but more feels. And a confession! For this story… the end is in the distance but still there… but still at least 3+ chapters to come! Also, after this story (don't panic), I have another idea in the works (perhaps Yui?), so I just want to thank you guys for your continued support and reviews. Prepare for a multiple points of view in the next chapter! Hold on guys and see ya soon.