CHAPTER 14

Forgetting is bliss

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Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I really, really, shouldn't have accepted Ray's invitation to have dinner with him, Naima, and the power couple. Ok, truth be told, I accepted Naima's invitation because she told me it would be the three of us, and then later on Ray invited Jason and Natalie too, so it would be incredibly awkward if I said no. But it's going to be torture, and I know it. I just feel it.

"Vicky, hi! Come on in, we were just waiting for you" Naima joyfully greets me as she opens the door. Of course I'm the last one to arrive, not even when I try my best I can show up in time. But I did have to look amazing, and it takes a while longer, so. Obviously, I'd never go to a dinner with Jason and Natalie and look 'meh'. At least I'm only, like, ten minutes late. But I hate that I have to greet everyone now.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. I really have a problem with being punctual" I apologize, and give her the dessert and wine I brought. It's just a home made ice cream, but there not one person that doesn't love it, and it's still a warm weather, so I knew Naima would love it.

"Oh come on, Vicky, you have a perfect excuse. I mean, you were asleep for seven days and woke up a week ago" Naima teases me while hugging me; I pretend to think it's funny, but it's not. I'm a lot weaker and had to come with an uber, just in case. I hate being weak like that, it takes me longer to do everything. I step inside and Ray, Jason and Natalie are sitting on the couches in the living room. I hesitate, but the guys quickly stand up, and Natalie stands up too, so I give them a quick hug, and can't avoid a quick sniff near Jason to smell his scent. And I'm very disappointed to smell some weird perfume mixed with his own scent, probably given by Natalie. It's a basic, expensive but very popular, plain, men's perfume, that I never smelled on him before, and I have a great nose for smells. Yes, she surely gave him this perfume, and even with perfume she's trying to mold him into a boring pattern. It's confirmed, the world has lost Jason Hayes, Bravo One, for good.

Taking a closer look at Natalie, she looks tired. She always looked tired when I saw her from a distance, but it's like, tired of living. She obviously takes great care of her body, face, and hair, but still. It's like she has no spark on her. I don't know, it's just weird. She smells plain, too. Strong perfume, plain. She looks older than me, Ray and Naima, and she looks older than Jason, who is looking older than himself, lately. But I'm sure she's not older than him. It's just because she looks tired, stands up tired, and talks tired. Again, it's weird. She's still a beautiful woman, but… forgettable. Jason looks tired too, maybe that's why he looks older. Tired of doing nothing.

"I don't think we've been formally introduced" I politely tell Natalie, because we haven't.

Natalie looks at me confused, exaggerating her expression, like usual, and then looks at Jason next to us.

"Oh" Jason intervenes, "that's right" he says, then he gets a little agitated. I don't understand. "You've met the morning you left. The morning you were spun up with Ray, at the Base" he says, gesturing to me and her, and then turns to Natalie. "She doesn't remember. She lost her memory of a couple of days before… her injury".

Now I understand, but it's weird that I can't remember even meeting her.

"Oh, sorry. Of course. I mean, Jace told me you had a little memory issue, but he didn't tell me exactly how it was" she says, then she gives me a fake smile, "Well, I'm Natalie Pierce. Nice to meet you again" she says, hugging me quickly.

I have a feeling that she dislikes me, I don't know why. Maybe because I'm making a disgusted face at her, but I realize that I'm not making any expression; so, the question remains. I hug her back and chuckle softly at her little joke, as if it was funny.

"Yeah, I didn't know that I saw anyone at the Base before taking the flight with Ray" I explain, glancing at Jason, and he looks extremely, extremely uncomfortable.

"I thought maybe you remembered" he says apologizing, still a little agitated.

"Well, I don't" I say, trying to not sound harsh. Truth is, I remembered a few things. "I mean, I remember some flashes, sensations, I don't know if they're real, but nothing that makes sense" I explain, sitting down next to Naima, in front of Jason. It was the only spot available on the sofa. I feel like the fifth wheel.

"Oh they're probably real" Dr. Natalie says, "the sensations, I mean. I don't know about the rest. Your body will remember if it was cold, if you were cut, things like that" she explains, and I nod, actually thankful for the explanation. Natalie places her hand on Jason's knee, and he looks uncomfortable. So do I, probably.

"Well, I'm glad you only forgot about two days. I mean, it could be worse, right?" Naima tries to cheer me up, but she doesn't. I wish I had forgotten watching Jason and Natalie's conversation at The Bulkhead, too. And seeing them walking out of there to have sex, holding hands. Of course I knew they were having sex, but watching that scene really hurt.

I realize I'm staring at Jason's knee with Natalie's hand, and look at Naima. "It could. But the thing that I hate the most is to have been unconscious for a week. I hate that the guys were so concerned all this time" I say, and Ray looks at me affectionately. Naima too, and she nods.

"I was really worried about you when they found me. I kept trying to remember if I saw you somewhere earlier, but I didn't. I just remembered you at the cafe" Ray says, looking at Jason and I, and he can't say much, because neither Natalie nor Naima have clearance. But Naima knows that Ray was abducted, and at first, she also thought I was abducted with him. Natalie has more clearance than Naima, and also knew he was tortured.

"Yes you lost weight and muscles, I can see that, comparing to the day I met you" Natalie says, checking me out. I'm purposely wearing a light jacket so I don't look like I lost all my curves, but maybe it didn't help much. Even my top is lose. Fortunately, I almost didn't lose weight on the chest and butt areas. But I'm slimmer than ever everywhere else. If I had muscle, I'd be loving it. But I just feel weak. I'm even wearing a beautiful red top to see if I look more powerful and strong. Hope it worked.

"Well, you look great" Naima sincerely says, and I love her for that, "And I wish I looked like that after a long nap" she jokes, and we chuckle.

"Yeah.. But you need to work hard now to regain your muscles" Natalie says, and I nod, smiling, but praying to God that she doesn't tell me that she'll be assisting me during my recovery.

Naima meddles. "Perhaps you can assist her, Natalie" she says, smiling, and unaware that she's not helping, at all.

"That's ok" I quickly answer when I see Jason starting to bite his thumb, he's uncomfortable with Naima's idea, obviously, "My case is not so serious, like she said, I just need to work out a little more" I tell to Naima.

"Well" Natalie says, smugly squeezing Jason's knee, almost his thigh, actually, "Truth is, I wouldn't assist Victoria for too long. I'm leaving for San Diego in a week, ten days at most" she says, and my heart warms up. "My old boss there made me a great offer, I couldn't refuse it".

"Wait. What does it mean for the two of you?" Ray asks, gesturing between Natalie and Jason. Jason looks even more uncomfortable.

"Well" Natalie starts again, "Actually, Jason is thinking about joining me there" she says, and I feel my heart sink like it never sank before. I glance at Jason, and he's avoiding eye contact, still biting his thumb.

"Don't tell me you're going through BUD/S all over again" Ray jokes, but Natalie explains that it would be almost that. He'd be a BUD/S instructor.

"Oh. Ok then" Ray says, trying to disguise his confusion, and Jason finally says something.

"Maybe it'd be good for me, you know. A change of scenery".

Ray pouts. "I think it's the first time I ever heard you say the words 'good' and 'change' on the same sentence".

Jason remains silent. I'm not silent, I'm dead right now and probably can't even disguise it. Natalie is joyfully smiling, but she's the only one, unaware of how ridiculous it is for a top soldier like Jason become a BUD/S instructor.

Naima also notices the awkwardness, and stands up to call us to have dinner. I follow her somewhere where there's a table and chair, sit down and silently eat, not even once looking at Jason, who's sitting across me. And I avoid looking at Natalie too. I think I hate her now, but can't be sure. Until now, I only thought of her as a boring person to look at, because I never talked to her, but now I confirmed her personality is as tedious as her face, clothes and voice. By the way, her voice is tiresome and she talks very slowly, as if we were kids at the kindergarten. That's even more boring.

I'm almost asleep, and angry at Jason for giving up everything that he loves, and everyone he knows, for a woman so tedious as her. I'm truly preferring Jessica to Natalie now, if she wasn't a liar, backstabbing bitch. I mean, at least Jessica was a fun person to be around, most of the time. Now I totally understand why Jason lost his will to live, it wasn't just the job, it was also Natalie sucking the life out of him.

"Well, and how is Jason handling his business as an Operations Chief?" Naima suddenly asks me, obviously noticing I kept quiet until now, because Natalie just kept tediously talking about reports and articles and journals and muscles and rehabs and Ray's wounded hands from the torture. Even Ray wanted to shut her up, I'm sure. I barely heard Jason's voice so far.

"He's doing great" I joyfully lie, because I'm finally reaching my limit. My sarcasm gets out of control when I'm angry, and I feel it overflowing as I talk to Naima. "That's his battlefield now" I say, glancing at Jason, and he knows I'm being sarcastic, there's no way he's that dumb. He looks at me, alert, and finally waking up from the slumber caused by Natalie's long, long, endless stories. "The Ops Center suits him, he's in his element there. He's even got a new grandpa mug that he carries around" I joyfully say, and Ray and Naima chuckle. Natalie smiles, proud. Jason tries hard to chuckle with the others.

"A grandpa mug?" Ray is unforgiving and immediately teases Jason, "That's something I never imagined I'd see. Bravo One swapping a rifle for a grandpa mug". Jason's face shuts down, but all of us is laughing, even Natalie. I dislike her less now.

"Oh. He blows the coffee before sipping it" I tease him even more, and now Ray, Naima and I are laughing out loud, but Natalie just chuckles, because yes I noticed she doesn't like me so she pretends it's not funny to picture Jason blowing his coffee in a grandpa mug before carefully sipping it.

"Well" Jason finally tries to defend his pride, "I remember someone walking around with a mug at the Ops Center too, and nobody says a word then, huh? Ensign Faulkner holding a cute polka dot mug with golden handle. Cute" he says, teasing me and looking at me, smirking, but I grin back at him. He saw me a few times in the Ops Center and knows exactly what kind of mug I'm holding. Nobody laughs at his tease, and his smirks fades a little while he looks at me. He obviously didn't think it through before teasing me, and only now he realizes it. He forgot that this ismybattlefield.

"I'm a lady, Jason" I explain to him, smugly smiling, "I can blow my hot drink in a cute polka dot mug with golden handle, while I control a drone to overlook my boys and make sure they get back home alive. That's what women usually do. We delicately run the world without breaking a sweat".

Jason's smile completely fades away, while Ray loves the tease, and Naima is chuckling next to me, saying something like 'yes, we do', because she's a boss lady too. I don't know how Natalie is reacting, she's quiet, that's for sure. But I don't know because I'm staring at Jason, and he's staring at me.

I hear Naima saying that she'll serve dessert and I finally deviate my look and immediately stand up to help her with the plates.

"Oh no, Vicky, just stay there. You shouldn't tire yourself, you're still recovering. It's only been a week" she says, almost shoving me back to the chair, but I insist and stand up again.

"No, don't do this to me. I'm not disabled, I can totally help. I hate when people feel sorry for me" I say, a little annoyed, while I take my plate and Jason's, because he's right in front of me.

"Yes. It sucks, huh? People feeling sorry for you" Jason suddenly tells me, annoyed.

I frown because I don't understand his sudden aggressiveness, then I remember he said something about me feeling sorry for him at the hospital. But I never said that. Unless I did.

I quickly take our plates to Naima and tell her I'll just go to the powder room real quick, and stare at Jason when I pass by him, for us to talk. I thought that it'd be too daring, but I'm so mad at him that I can't wait. He hesitates, but he notices how angry I am and probably is afraid that I'll say something in front of Natalie, so he follows me through the back door that goes to the backyard, next to the powder room.

"What are you not telling me, Jason?" I whisper to him as soon as he comes out, angry as hell.

"What do you mean? Are you crazy? What will they think if they see us here?" he anxiously asks.

I cross my arms. "We're just talking, Jason. We worked together for months, handling classified stuff. Maybe we wanted to talk about that. Don't be an idiot" I state, meaning every word, but he relaxes. He knows I'm right.

I walk closer to him. "Did we talk before I went to Tunisia?" I dangerously ask, "Like, I don't know, the morning before I left?"

He squirms. "Yes. You met Natalie, I introduced you two" he explains, leaving many details aside. I come even closer, and my eyes fill with tears, because I hate not knowing.

"It's my right to know, Jason. Did something else happen?" I'm truly afraid that I made a fool of myself after seeing both of them together. It would be very me.

He sighs, agitated, but he notices I'm very hurt, and also, he knows I'm right.

"I was arriving with Natalie at the Base and you were walking out of the building, then I introduced you two, then you walked to your car to take your flight, and I went to the Ops Center" he says, obviously omitting the most important parts.

I stare at him, silent, for a couple of seconds. "Now tell me what matters".

"I told you already" Jason insists, annoyed.

"Jason" I say, and now I'm really close to him, both because I'm angry and because I missed being close to him. He doesn't move an inch. "I never said I felt sorry for you" I finally tell him, and at first he frowns, then he has an alert expression. He obviously confused the days, and probably mixed the things I told him at The Bulkhead with what I told him at the Base. I nod, I knew I was right. "Except, I said that, huh?"

He keeps staring at me, annoyed. "You did".

My eyes fill with tears again. "I can remember it anytime. And if I remember before you tell me, I'll never forgive you".

He looks around, agitated, but he nods, serious. He walks away from me, with his hands on his hips.

"You passed by Natalie and I that morning, when we arrived at the Base. I introduced you two" he starts, and I cross my arms again, but he gestures for me to wait, "then Natalie left, and you made a noise and a face" he says, angry at me.

I frown. I'd never do that. It was still me all those days ago. I know me. "Why would I do that?"

He looks around, agitated, and looks down. "I think it's because we kissed in front of you".

I frown again, I still wouldn't do that. Then I realize. "You really kissed, you mean" I state, annoyed, because they obviously kissed in an unprofessional way to kiss in the middle of the Base, and in front of a colleague. Probably he tried to make me jealous, or something.

"That face" he points at me, annoyed, because apparently I repeated the same disgusted expression, "So you remember, huh?"

"I don't" I smugly smile at him, "It's just how I'd react to weird PDA's at the Base, definitely", then I turn serious. "Go on".

He smugly smiles at me. "You were jealous. So I told you that. Jealous, like you are now".

I shake my head, smugly smiling at him. "I wasn't jealous. I felt sorry for you" I say, exhaling.

"You remember" Jason say, sarcastically smiling now.

"I don't. That's what I'd say".

He walks closer to me, now angry. "You said you felt sorry for me, Victoria".

I finally stop smirking. "I apologize for saying that. Like I told you at the hospital, I'm just…" I say, and then I remember the fact that he's going to San Diego, so I come closer to him, searching for the right word to explain how I feel. "...exasperated. I'm exasperated, Jason" I gesture to him, exasperated.

He squirms. "Why? What do you have to do with anything?"

Now I'm truly out of words and hurt. "Nothing, apparently".

He looks hurt too. "But you think you have the right to an opinion, and feeling sorry for me", he says, serious.

I look at him, realizing he never finished the story. Definitely he clapped back. "What did you say? When I told you that".

He squirms again. "I told you I don't give a fuck about what you think", he bluntly says, and I feel my eyes widen, and I'm completely heartbroken and hurt. He sighs, and walks until he's close to me.

"You made that look and apologized, and I apologized too" he says, with an apologizing look.

I look at his eyes, then his lips, and I wonder how it feels like to kiss him without his beard. Suddenly I realize, and look up at him again, with my fingers on my lips and chin.

"We kissed" I state, and he looks alarmed and serious.

"So, you do remember" he says, with a hurt look.

"I remember the feeling" I explain, looking at him. And his pupils dilate. Mine, probably too. Because that's exactly what I feel, I remember his shaved warm cheeks and chin against mine.

He snorts, looking down. "That's pretty much what you said".

"What?" I ask, still with my fingers on my lips.

"You kissed me. And then, when I asked you why were you doing it, you said 'you just wanted to know how it felt like'", he explains, looking hurt, and I believe him, because that would be something dumb that I'd blurt. That I kissed him to know how it felt like to kiss him without his beard.

Now I'm completely embarrassed by my actions and words, because I kissed Jason, a committed man, then he stopped me and asked why was I kissing him, a committed man, and I said that, to a committed man. How ridiculous.

"I'm sorry", I stutter, completely ashamed, I couldn't face him ever again, "I'm so sorry. I won't do it again, just please forget about it" I desperately say, wishing I never knew that. Ignorance is really a bliss.

So, with nothing more to say or do, and because I wouldn't be able to look at Jason for even a minute longer, I turn and leave him, tell Naima I'm feeling sick because I'm still not used to eating too much, and go back home.

.

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Blackburn's celebrating his promotion at The Bulkhead, and unfortunately I have to be there. Now he'll oversee all DEVGRU teams, and it's truly an honor, but it also means that he won't be spinning up with Bravo Team anymore, only on the rarest of occasions. I'll miss working with him, a lot.

The guys wanted to use the same occasion as sort of a going awayparty to Jason, because apparently it's certain that he's leaving to San Diego with Natalie. At least, that's what Ray told the guys. So, another night with a lot of pain for me. And embarrassment.

Because I obviously did not forget how I found out, less than a week ago, that I kissed Jason at the Base. Hopefully, at least, hidden by a tree that is near the building, and close to where I park my car. Since I thought about it now, I probably thought about it then. I kissed him hidden behind a tree near my car, at the Base, and he stopped our kiss and I used some ridiculous excuse to get the fuck out of there before I probably drove nauseated with shame to the airport. No wonder my brain tried its best to forget about it forever. My brain was right.

Still, since it was a special occasion and everyone would dress up, I chose my most elegant, yet hot, dark green dress, that has some cleavage, to go to The Bulkhead. Not much, but enough to receive interested looks from interesting men. Hopefully, because I sure as hell need to move on. It does matches my brown eyes and make them look more hazelnut and caramel than brown, and I love that.

I stand close to the bar during the entire event, managing to avoid looking at Jason pretty much the whole time I'm there, and thankfully, Natalie isn't there. I thought about going back home early, but when I started to drink some whiskey to feel less miserable, it worked, so I continued drinking it, sitting at the bar and chatting with the bartender. I definitely wasn't drunk, but I suddenly felt happier, and was matching the vibe of the guys around me.

Blackburn's speech was beautiful, and we almost cried. Jason, on the other hand, felt uncomfortable standing in front of us and refused to say anything, which I thought that was a little disappointing to everyone. I don't know what else he did, because I basically really, absolutely, didn't look at him once, except when he was standing there next to Blackburn.

Lisa left with Sonny, and I know that they are talking outside about romantic stuff, because that's what they do sometimes, so I decide to get an uber to go back home, for obvious reasons. I'm not drunk, no, but I'm definitely not able to drive, so I decide to leave my car there.

"I'll drive you" I hear Jason's husky voice right next to me when I'm standing near the exit of the bar with my phone, with the Uber app open. I look to my side, lost, because I truly thought he had already left, he usually doesn't stay that long at The Bulkhead anymore. I glanced at him talking to Clay more than a couple of hours ago, but like I said, I avoided even looking at him, so I didn't know that he was still there. I was just sitting at the bar with Sonny, Lisa and Trent, and was discreetly, or not so discreetly, flirting with the new bartender there. He's cute and shy, and it's always good to be friends with the bartender. He did give me a drink for free.

"No, I'm calling an Uber" I quickly answer, almost glued to the external wall of the bar, because Jason is standing really close to me. He's wearing black shirt and a black blazer, and I swear to God I never saw him that dressed up. He really should wear a blazer more often. He's looking as hot as when he's in uniform or wearing a plaid shirt. Or a puffy jacket. Ok, he's always hot. My body is in flames.

"I insist" he quickly replies, without hesitating, and when he notices I'm thinking of some excuse, he adds, "Don't be awkward with me. Let me drive you home".

I feel that he's probably feeling guilty about breaking my heart and would like to part as friends, because he's a good guy, so I slightly nod and walk with him to his truck. We drive to my place in complete silence, except when I tell him the directions.

"So" I finally try to initiate a conversation, because he asked me to not be awkward, "When are you leaving? I mean, like, definitely, moving out and stuff".

"I live nearby" he says, ignoring my question completely, "I like this neighborhood, a lot. Close to the beach, safe streets, pretty houses. Just my apartment that is like, you know" he says, smiling at me and making a'meh'expression. He looks happy and relaxed; never saw him like that since he quit Bravo. Maybe he was like that at The Bulkhead, but I couldn't tell, because I wasn't looking at him.

"Oh. Okay" I say, not knowing what else to say. "Now you can choose a less'meh'place to live in San Diego" I tease him.

He turns serious and doesn't say anything, so I decide to just shut up. He parks his truck in front of my house, and I hesitate about saying good bye to him. He's only leaving in a few days, at least that's when Natalie said she'd leave, so I'll probably see him at the Base before that. But of course this is a good moment to tell him goodbye.

But Jason suddenly gets out of his car, so I get out too, confused. He's truly a gentleman, and walks to the door of my house with me. In silence. When we get to my door, I turn to tell him goodbye, with a heavy heart.

"You know" Jason suddenly says, with his hands in the pockets of his pants, "I realized that I quit the only job that I ever loved. Being Bravo One" he tells me out of nowhere, and I feel bad that it took him so long to figure it out. He's agitated, and takes a step closer to me.

"I'm not going to San Diego" he says, and I smile. But then I frown. I'm really happy he's staying, but I'm still confused. Probably Natalie changed her mind.

"Did you tell the guys?" I don't understand, until I left the bar, everyone thought Jason was going to San Diego. Or maybe no one told me the news. Maybe he decided before going and that's why he didn't want to make a speech.

He takes another step closer. "Natalie is still going. I broke up with her" he tells me, exhaling.

I'm shocked by the overflow of news that Jason is pouring on me, and quite shocked by his decisions. Apparently, for him, it's all or nothing. He quits everything, then goes back to everything like it was before. Not that I'm complaining.

"I'm… sorry. About Natalie" I politely say about his break-up, but feeling great inside. Of course, if he decides to stay in VA Beach they would never work out living apart. But I'm extremely happy with his news about him maybe going back to being Bravo One. "But I'm really glad you could finally make up your mind about what makes you happy, Jason" I sincerely and affectionately tell him.

"I did" he says, smirking and standing close to me. He has sparkle in his eyes, and I feel like he's alive again. But I still feel totally ashamed about kissing him that day, which by the way I still don't remember. He probably thought about that day too, because he comes even closer to me.

"Did you remember anything else about that morning at the Base?" he asks, with a cute, vulnerable and serious face, and I slightly shake my head, now even more ashamed, because he noticed I was just thinking about it.

"I kissed you back" he says, exhaling.

.