RavenDragon: Ok. Now we have gotten all that out of the way. We'll get started with the actual episodes.
Lucifer: Um, where's…?
Pentious: Maybe I should…
Henroin: I wouldn't, snake. Unless you want to be clobbered by Molly.
Molly came back in.
Henroin: Where are your brothers?
Molly: Around.
Henroin: Molly….
Molly: I'm telling the truth.
Pentious: Molly, where's my husband?
Molly: Fine. I locked him and Angie in the closet.
Henroin: Molly, let them out.
Molly: But daddy…
Henroin: Molly….
Molly: Fine.
Molly opened the closet and Arackniss and Angel tumbled out of the closet all tied up.
Alastor: Well gentlemen, hands tied?
Angel: Not funny. Normally I like being tied up but not by my own sista.
Arackniss: Do you ever think about anything other than sex?
Angel: Yes. Maybe…
Henroin: Molly untie your brothers.
Molly untied them and the three returned to their seats.
Vaggie: Ok now I like her.
Molly: Thank you, Vaggie. Someone gets me. I'm the one keeping these two knuckleheads from ripping each other apart.
Angel/Arackniss: Hey!
RavenDragon: Ok, can I start now?
Angel: Alright. Go ahead,
RavenDragon: Oh and Lucifer, Charlie, fair warning, a certain angel is in this one.
Lucifer: (groans knowing who it is.) Great, the biggest egomaniac is in this? Just great.
(The scene opens a week after Extermination Day at the Hazbin Hotel. Charlie was reading a book and as she finished, she closed the book titled "The Story of Hell" and looked out to Pentagram City.)
CHARLIE: Don't worry, Mom. I'll make you proud.
Charlie: (surprised by her new look) Is that me?
Vaggie: (blushes) You look great.
Charlie: Thanks.
Angel: Wet dreams already?
Vaggie threw her popcorn at Angel.
Angel: (covered in popcorn) Hey! Watch the hair!
(Charlie soberly looks out the window to Pentagram City burning to the ground, just as Vaggie comes into the room.)
VAGGIE: Charlie?
(Charlie is startled and throws the key down which transforms into KeeKee and scampers away. Charlie turns to Vaggie in surprise.)
CHARLIE: Aah! Oh, shit. Did you hear all that?
VAGGIE: Uh, yeah. I was right there.
(Vaggie points her thumb to the doorway.)
Charlie: Vaggie, you got a glow up too?
Vaggie: I did. I like the outfit.
Kara: Yeah. After a year, everyone gets a glow-up.
CHARLIE: Sorry. I get pretty worked up after an extermination happens. The story helps...
VAGGIE: (chuckles) I know. Don't worry, I enjoy your theatrics. Are you okay? (sits down with Charlie)
CHARLIE: I'm fine. Just... thinking, ya' know? Family stuff.
VAGGIE: Did you hear from your mom yet?
(Charlie shakes her head in dismay.)
VAGGIE: Oof… how long has it been now?
CHARLIE: Not that long, only...seven...years, off doing something important, I'm sure!
Victoria: And I thought I had parent issues.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't help that Mom and Dad kind of, split up.
Andy: Hold up! Lucifer and Lilith? Divorced? I mean, the couple for at least 10,000 years?
Lucifer: Sadly, yes.
Molly: Oh that's… that's terrible.
Lucifer: I'm completely over it.
RavenDragon: (clears her throat) Lucifer? The rubber ducks under your chair say otherwise.
Lucifer: (nervously chuckles.) How did that happen?
CHARLIE: But, this kingdom was something she really cared about. Something I care about.
VAGGIE: Well, at least you aren't alone.
CHARLIE: I just hope what I'm trying to do here will work.
VAGGIE: It will. I have faith in you.
(KeeKee leaps into Charlie's arms as Vaggie stands up.)
Angel: So we got three kitties in the hotel.
Husk grumbles.
Victoria: Not funny.
VAGGIE: Alright, come on. Alastor says he has something to show us. (walks out of the room)
(As Vaggie leaves, a loud bell rings throughout the city, and Charlie turns to the Bell Tower at Heaven Embassy. She looks on with sadness, knowing that it's another year before the Extermination comes again.)
Charlie: Are we getting a commercial for the hotel?!
Kara: Well… Yes… But Alastor made it.
Monty: It can't be that bad.
(The scene turns static before it fixes itself to reveal a sinner stabbing another demon to death with a knife before Alastor catches their attention.)
ALASTOR: Well, hello there, you wayward Sinner! Do you like blood, violence, and depravity of a sexual nature? Of course you do, that's why you're in Hell! But what would you say if I told you there was a place to stay that had none of that?
(As the camera rolls, scenes switch from the front of the Hazbin Hotel to Charlie on camera and she waves at it before Angel Dust comes into view, putting two-fingers over the head prank behind her, to the bartender, Husk, who was drunk, passing out on the ground as Niffty, the hotel maid, tries to stab and chase after a bug with Kara catching after Niffty to stop her and then to Angel Dust, Victoria, and Andy, with a support beam falling close to KeeKee, scaring the demon cat before running off, Victoria hides not wanting to be on camera. Andy and Angel Dust flips Alastor off, and then the poor drawing of the hotel before the commercial ends.)
ALASTOR: Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption1 Founded five days ago by Lucifer's delusional daughter, Charlotte Morningstar! Come place your fate in her inexperienced hands, as she tries to work through her daddy issues by fixing you! Here we offer fun things, such as somewhat functional staff and 24-hour pest control. Custom rooms, and just look at this tacky parlor! Enjoy riveting conversations with our three residents. Wow! All this, and more at the Hazbin Hotel! Your last desperate attempt at salvation starts here!
(Alastor turns off the television.)
ALASTOR: So, what do you think?
Monty: I stand corrected.
Kara: (angry) Alastor!
Alastor: What? I found it hilarious.
Angel: You made all of us look like a big fucking joke!
Arackniss: You don't need Alastor to look like a joke.
Angel: Oh… You playing that card huh, wise guy?!
Henroin: (Sighs) Honestly you two. Maybe I should ask that Raven girl to get Gaia to come here.
Pentious: Who?
Henroin: Their mother and my wife.
Molly/Arackniss/Angel: (scared) No!
Monty snickers.
Andy: I see Alastor is still the same.
Alastor: What can I say? Can't change perfection.
Lucifer: Perfection? Yeah right.
Alastor: Ha, ha. Fuck you.
Kara: Ok, break it up.
(On the couch, Charlie and Vaggie were surprised by the commercial being poorly misleading and very offensive to their nature, that Vaggie throws a fit at Alastor.)
VAGGIE: I'm sorry. What the fuck was that?
CHARLIE: Uh, Yeah. One note, Alastor, I mean, first off, thank you so much for making this seriously amazing, but um, maybe the tone is a bit... off? We want people to want to come here. This makes it look, um…
(Kara came over. Kara's red streaking in her fur became more vibrant like Alastor's. She even started to wear colorful clothes that matched her friends)
KARA: Like you're just making fun of everyone, mostly Charlie.
Alastor: Someone stayed the same.
Kara: What can I say? I like my look.
ALASTOR: Funny. I was going for hilarious.
VAGGIE: It didn't explain anything about how we're trying to save demons from extermination, which is the whole fucking point.
CHARLIE: Vaggie is right Alastor, the commercial was to let sinners know we are trying to help them.
ALASTOR: Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time and everyone remembers me from my radio show, the proper medium to express oneself. But, you insisted on this noisy picture box advertisement. (He taps the television twice with his microphone staff.) So, I had a little fun with it.
Aasha: And people say video killed the radio star.
Alastor: We do not speak of that annoying prick!
Aasha: Yikes. What happened between you and Vox? Rumor has it from Rosie that you two used to be…
Alastor turns to Aasha and glares at her.
Aasha: And I'm shutting up.
KARA: You made the hotel sound like a fucking joke! How is that fun? This is not what we need to represent the hotel. You agreed to help run the hotel a year ago. Instead, you're mocking us. Nobody's going to want to come to a place that an Overlord like you thinks is a waste of time!
ALASTOR: Oh like your advertisement helped?
KARA: Right. And which one of us got two new guests last year? (points to herself.) At least I'm helping and not making people think this is a waste of time.
(Angel Dust raises his hand from the couch, catching everyone's attention.)
VAGGIE: What?
ANGEL: If'n you're filming a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here?
(Angel Dust takes a bottle with one arm before pointing all three arms at himself, but Vaggie doesn't like it.)
Arackniss: And of course, you stay the same.
Angel: Hey, you say that like it's a bad thing.
Kara: Technically, you switch your bottom glove color from pink to white.
Molly: And your chest fluff looks smaller.
Angel: (dramatically gasps) It does not!
Molly: Yeah it does. My tits are bigger than that.
Angel: You're just jealous that I look better.
VAGGIE: Angel, you're a porn star.
ANGEL: A famous porn star. I'll have the horniest sinners knocking these walls down to get in. And so will Andy.
(Andy is sitting at the bar and turns towards the couch.)
ANDY: Don't drag me into this, Angie. I'm retired.
VAGGIE: Thank you, Andy. Angel, we are not filming a porn as a commercial.
ANGEL: Why not? Sex sells, don't it?
Vaggie groans.
Monty: And that works?
Angel: Um, hello? I'm Val's cash cow. I know how to get sinners' heads roll.
Arackniss: (Mutters) And creeps in your bed.
Angel: I heard that! Besides, Andy here looks the same as well.
Andy: Meh, I changed my clothes. I wear more comfy clothes than that tight stuff Valentino forced me to wear.
ANGEL: I swear if you film me goin' at it with mister fancy talk-creepy voice here. (pointing to Alastor as he appeared by the couch Angel was on.) You'd be rollin' in participants willin' to stay at this tacky hotel.
ALASTOR: Ha, ha! Never going to happen.
CHARLIE: Angel, I appreciate you wanting to use your special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but I really don't want to exploit you in that way.
ANGEL: Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity. (laughs). Oh, I got the legs. The gag reflex, the holes, the chest fluff everyone thinks are tits.
VICTORIA: We get it, Angel. (turns around to face them, her hair is now short.) It's still disturbing.
Angel: Hey!
Husk: You cut your hair?
Victoria: I got tired of looking like my twin sister so I asked Angel if he could give me a makeover.
Angel: How did other me do?
Victoria: He gave me a great haircut and he gave me some of his clothes since we are the same size.
Angel: Well you look great.
(Charlie chuckles nervously until Charlie's phone rings from Lucifer.)
CHARLIE: Hold that thought! I'll be right back.
ANGEL: I could keep going all night, baby.
(While Angel drinks his beer, Charlie breathes nervously and answers the call.)
CHARLIE: Hello? Dad?
(As Charlie takes the phone call, the scene switches to Vaggie, Kara, Andy, Victoria, Angel, and Alastor.)
VICTORIA: Hey, I know I've been in Hell for a short time. But from my understanding, Alastor and Kara are powerful overlords. So why can't they just make people stay here?
ALASTOR: Oh, trust me, (Smiles in a mischievously creepy look with dark magic.) I can.
Monty: Suddenly I'm more terrified of him than Vox.
Alastor: As you should be.
HUSK: Why do you think I'm here? (The camera moves to Husk at the bar.) You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he wasn't forcing me?
(As Husk cleans a bottle, Niffty pops up from behind the counter with a hand raised.)
NIFFTY: I like being forced.
HUSK: Keep that to yourself, Niff.
Aasha: Meow. Someone's got a new voice.
Husk: Is that really what I sound like?
RavenDragon: Pretty much, Shadow Man.
Husk: What?
RavenDragon: Never mind, wrong universe.
ANGEL: What? You don't love being here with me, Whiskers?
HUSK: Call me Whiskers again and I'll jam that bottle down your throat.
ANGEL: Kinky. Come on, keep talking dirty.
Husk: Even with you and Alastor dating, you still gotta push my buttons.
Angel: Not my fault you're too easy. Like Nissy.
Arackniss: Watch it.
KARA: Angel. Will you quit bothering Husk? And we can't force sinners to stay here, they have to choose to stay.
ANGEL: I'm choosing to be here, and I think it's all stupid. We're in hell, toots. That's kind of the end of the road, ain't it?
VAGGIE: Well, maybe it doesn't have to be. Just because nobody has made it out before doesn't mean it's not possible.
(Angel Dust places a hand on Vaggie's shoulder, giving her a deadpan expression while the latter makes the same one.)
ANGEL: Hey, whatever means I can keep crashing here rent-free. Crack is expensive.
Arackniss: Oi vey.
Molly giggles.
Angel: What? It's true.
(The scene comes back to Charlie, and after the phone call, she seems really happy with the news her father brought to her.)
CHARLIE: Yeah, I can totally, yeah. I'll head over there right away. Okay?
(Charlie hangs up the phone and gasps in excitement.)
CHARLIE: Yes... YES!
(Charlie giggles in excitement when she hears about the news until she calls Vaggie in gibberish, waving very franticly which freaks Vaggie out.)
CHARLIE: VAGGIE, HOLY SHIT!
VAGGIE: Ah! What?
(Charlie waves to her to come to her for some exciting news.)
CHARLIE: (mumbling excitedly) Get over here!
Lucifer: Oh… Right. That meeting…
Alastor: Pawning your work off on your daughter?
Lucifer: Ha, ha! Fuck you!
(Vaggie sighs happily and comes to Charlie while she is jumping around in a very happy mode. As Angel Dust drinks in the background, Vaggie meets Charlie behind.)
VAGGIE: What's going on?
(Charlie breathes in and out to calm her nerves so she can explain, but she was explaining so fast due to her excitement.)
CHARLE: My dad just called; he said that the leader of the Angel Army wants to meet. He asked if I could go instead.
Husk: Is she always this… hyper?
Lucifer: Yes. Even as a kid.
Charlie: (sarcastic) Gee wonder where I get that from.
Lucifer: (nervously laughs) OK I deserve that one.
(Charlie hyperventilates and grabs Vaggie to get up close. Vaggie, however, was confused.)
VAGGIE: But-but, but the extermination just happened. What could they want this soon after-
(As Vaggie went on, Charlie was in the mood to get her hotel project to work, and remains hopeful that she would start singing.)
CHARLIE:
I can do this, somehow I know it
I'll get Heaven behind my plans
VAGGIE: Charlie, hold on.
Andy: Should have seen that coming.
Charlie: What?
(Charlie wasn't listening to Vaggie. She was just so happy.)
CHARLIE:
There's just no way I could blow it
Not this once-in-a-lifetime chance
VAGGIE: It's just a meeting
(Charlie ran towards the entrance, ready to leave.)
CHARLIE:
To change their mind and touch their hearts
Or whatever angels have
VAGGIE: This could be bad
(Charlie took Vaggie's hands into her own.)
CHARLIE:
Cheer up, Vaggie
This could be swell
(She then spun Vaggie around then she ran out the door, singing and dancing.)
CHARLIE:
Something tells me that today will be a happy day in Hell
VAGGIE: Okay, but just don't… sing to them.
Charlie: I don't think I can promise that.
Husk: (puts in his earplugs) Tell me when it's over.
Angel: Someone's a grouchy kitty.
Arackniss: I wonder why.
Angel: Har har.
(Just before Vaggie could warn her, Angel Dust, Andy Grin, Kara, Victoria, Alastor, Niffty, and Keekee are already at the open door where they can see Charlie singing out in the destroyed Pentagram City, as Angel Dust turns back to Vaggie still drinking from a bottle.)
ANDY: Too late.
ANGEL: That bitch is halfway down the street
VAGGIE: Is she—?
ANGEL: Oh, she's dancin'!
VAGGIE: Ugh, no…
Lucifer: Maybe I should have just gone with her.
Alastor: Probably the first smart thing you have thought of.
(The scene cuts to Charlie making her way down the street, oblivious to the destruction and bodies of dead demons everywhere as she continues to sing her song.)
CHARLIE:
There's a warm, fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air
Every street so revealing it's hard not to stare
(Charlie comes to a window of a sex dungeon where a Hellhound is humping against an imp wearing a sadomasochism mask. They notice her, and Charlie awkwardly flees.)
CHARLIE:
It's a realm so appealing, it bеats anywhere
If you don't mind the smеll
(Charlie accidentally steps on a dead shark demon that was releasing a very bad smelly fume into her nose. She cautiously avoids the corpse and presses on the street.)
CHARLIE:
It's a happy day in hell
Angel: Charlie, you have to be the only person in Hell who could be that cheery.
Charlie: What?
Molly: Oh? I don't count.
Angel: With your temper? Debitable.
Molly: I can throw you back into that closet.
Angel: Oh good, I could use seven minutes of Heaven with Husk. Or Alastor. Or both.
Alastor/Husk: Hell no!
(Charlie waves at a demon who was holding a newspaper before she catches his attention, revealing himself to be a meth addict with a spoon full of meth.)
CHARLIE:
Hi, mister!
(DEMON: Go fuck yourself!)
Charlie: Maybe that was a bad idea.
Aasha: If it was me, I would have gutted him. All men are nothing but trouble.
Husk: Boyfriend issues?
Aasha: Husband.
(As she was making her way to the Angel Embassy, sinners were being their normal grim selves as to believe that it was another terrible day in hell.)
DEAD SINNER #1:
There's an endless trash fire that's burning my soul
(CHARLIE: Hello.)
IMP:
Got a ton of barbed wire to shove in his hole
(CHARLIE: Oh, excuse me!)
EXECUTIONER:
Doing what is required, we all have our role
DEAD SINNER #2:
I'm not doing well
DEMONS:
Another shitty day in Hell
(Charlie climbs on the trunk of the destroyed car and faces the other direction.)
CHARLIE:
If I can show them the dream I've dreamed
That any soul can change
(From the Hazbin Hotel, Vaggie comes into the watchtower, as if she's calling out to her girlfriend.)
VAGGIE:
Those angels' minds are hard to change
CHARLIE:
Then they will know everyone can be redeemed
From the evil to the strange
VAGGIE:
They're bloodthirsty and deranged!
Lucifer: Vaggie's not wrong. Then again, how do you know?
Vaggie: Well…
RavenDragon: Sorry Your Highness, no spoilers.
Lucifer: Not even for me?
RavenDragon: Nope.
CHARLIE:
I can hear all their stories, the lost and displaced
And I know that they're more of an acquired taste
But if I open the door and I give them a place
At my Hazbin Hotel
It'll be a happy day in Hell
(A truck comes by, and Charlie hitches a ride from behind so she can get around the city such as the porn studios, and the Cannibal Town.)
CHARLIE:
From the porn studio, where the cinephiles go
To watch award-winning demon bukkake shows
(Charlie got off the back of the truck when she reached the entrance to the Cannibal Town.)
CHARLIE:
To the Cannibal Town, where they don't wear a frown
'Cause…
(A few cannibals were munching on a dead body and some blood got in Charlie's eyes which grossed her out.)
CHARLIE:
Holy shit, oh my gosh, why?!
And I don't give a crow that his brains got in my eye!
'Cause I know I can spare them from Heaven's genocide
(Charlie made it to the Heaven Embassy.)
CHARLIE (SINNERS):
I can do this, I just know it
(There's an endless trash fire that's burning my soul)
I'll get Heaven behind my plan
There's just no way I could blow it
(I kinda like the barbed wire that's shoved in my hole)
Not this once-in-a-lifetime chance to change their minds—
(A trench coat demon got in front of her.)
Trenchcoat demon:
And touch my parts.
CHARLIE:
Oh… No, thank you I'm just gonna…
(Charlie moved out of the way.)
CHARLIE:
Fulfill my destiny!
(Trench coat demon: Your loss, bitch!)
CHARLIE:
I can already tell
Today is gonna be a fuckin' happy day in Hell
Kara: Whoa. Maybe you and I should do a duet.
Charlie: Aww!
(She opens the door to peek inside.)
CHARLIE: Hello!
(Charlie enters through the door and finds the whole embassy deserted. She walks to the front desk to check in.)
CHARLIE: Hello? (voice echoes) Creepy...
(Charlie comes to the front desk with no one but a single bell. She taps the bell to ring it, and at the instant, a golden scroll and feather ink pen float from above over to her.)
CHARLIE: Oh, okay... (signs it) Also creepy.
Angel: Yesh. Reminds me of the church back in New York. Creepy…
Molly: Then again, you did jump into the baptism when we were kids.
Angel: Let it go, Molly! I was six! Plus you dared me to do it!
Arackniss: And you got us banned.
Vaggie: I'm not even going to ask.
Cherri: I wanna know.
(The scroll and feather fly up before disappearing. Right then, the twin doors slide open to show Charlie the meeting room, and she enters the dark room with no one around.)
CHARLIE: Uh...hello? Is anyone here?
(The lights suddenly switched on, revealing two angels at the end of the room, with one being an exorcist lieutenant, Lute, and the big boss leader of the Angel Army, Adam, who is eating a rib in his hand.)
ADAM: 'Sup!
CHARLIE: Holy, shit!
(Charlie immediately fell down after getting surprised by the sudden appearance of two angels in the room. She gets back up and readjusts herself to introduce herself properly.)
Charlie: Yeah, not my best moment.
Lucifer: Don't be embarrassed, Charlie. Adam likes to do that.
CHARLIE: Hi, I'm Charlie. My dad asked me if I could meet you.
ADAM: Yeah, I know.
CHARLIE: Okay, well.
(Adam eats his rib like a buzzsaw.)
CHARLIE: It's nice to meet you.
ADAM: Totally. It's nice to meet you, too.
(Adam reaches over to give Charlie a handshake, and as she was about to shake his hand, her hand slips right through, revealing him to be a hologram, fizzing on and off after being touched, which freaks Charlie out.)
ADAM: Ha! I fucking got you. *turns to Lute* Did you see that?
(Lute nods once.)
ADAM: Good shit.
Lucifer groans.
Angel: Wow. Are we sure he's an angel? Because if this clown is an angel, then I'm the prince of Lust.
Arackniss: From your so-called movies…
Angel: Ha, ha, real funny, Niss.
Vaggie: Right. I forgot he likes to pull that.
(Charlie was trying to get something straight with Adam being a hologram.)
CHARLIE: Uh...so, wait. You aren't here?
ADAM: No, you think I'd come down there? *laughs* No, I mean, I love the vibe, totally, I love your tunes. Pretty fucking hardcore, don't get me wrong. But! it's such a bummer! man. Everything down there's just so "eugh", ya know? *chuckles* Ew.
CHARLIE: Right. So, I'm happy we've got this opportunity to meet. There's a project that I've been working on that I really want to talk to you about-
(Adam puts his finger on Charlie's lips to quiet her down momentarily.)
ADAM: Hey, hey, hey, hey, slow down. We've got time. How about we get to know each other a little? Mmm. How about lunch? You hungry? I got you.
(Adam takes a plate of ribs he's been eating toward Charlie.)
ADAM: Here's my personal favorite. You'll love it.
CHARLIE: Uh...thanks.
(Charlie goes to take a piece of a rib, but her hand passes right through them, also revealing to be a hologram, as they fizz on and off from the touch, and Adam laughs.)
ADAM: I got you again, bitch! (laughs) Fuckin' hilarious!
(Charlie makes a small unamused chuckle alongside Adam's hyper laughter.)
Charlie: I should have seen that coming.
Kara: Wow. What a pig!
Angel clears his throat.
Kara: No offense to Fat Nuggets Angel.
Angel: Thank you. But you are right about Adam.
Lucifer: I'm gonna apologize in advance for what you all are gonna hear from Adam.
Husk: Good to know. (chungs down a bottle of booze.)
(The scene cuts back to the Hazbin Hotel, where the workers and residents are summoned by Vaggie to discuss their poorly misleading commercial. Angel Dust is constantly looking at Husk with a playful seductive gaze while Husk is glaring daggers at him. Victoria was standing next to Andy. Kara was sitting on the couch. Vaggie's legs come into the camera before switching back to in person.)
VAGGE: Okay, so, Charlie is dealing with something very important, so while she's gone, we are making a new commercial. One that represents her vision and what we're doing here. So, we need a camera. (Turning to Alastor) Alastor?
(Alastor snaps his fingers to conjure up a camera for Vaggie; however, the camera is a folding-type old photography camera from the 1930s with no recording films at that time. Vaggie is unamused.)
VAGGIE: A video camera?
ALASTOR: Hmmm.
(Despite his extreme distaste for modern technology, Alastor adheres to Vaggie's request and snaps his fingers again, conjuring up a video camera that's poorly used with pieces of tape stuck together.)
VAGGIE: Alright! Let's do this!
Charlie: Aww guys! I get to see how you guys make the commercial.
Vaggie: (groans) Yeah that wasn't easy.
Charlie: It can't be that bad.
Lucifer: I think the cracked old video camera says otherwise.
Alastor: Oh right, and you had a better idea?
Lucifer: (angry) Why you little…!
RavenDragon: Lucifer! Settle down.
Lucifer: Fine.
(The camera switches into the point of view of the video camera recording the bar scene, with Husk behind the counter reading a script in his claws and Angel Dust sitting on a bar stool. The camera whirrs as it brings the two into focus.)
VAGGIE: And… Action!
(Husk carefully reads the lines on his script, bringing the script closer to read.)
HUSK: "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. Can I help you with anything?"
ANGEL: "I've been a bad boy, and I need a big, strong daddy to put me in my place…on the path to redemption!"
(Husk groans with displeasure and reads the script again.)
HUSK: "Well, you come—"
ANGEL: (moaning) "Oh, yes!"
HUSK: (bored) …"to the right place."
(Vaggie has had it, and stops recording.)
Arackniss: Why am I not surprised?
Angel: Hey! At least I can act! Husk here was about as dry as virgin.
Husk: I ain't no actor! I can't memorize that shit!
Aasha: You can't just improv?
Charlie: Maybe be less um…
Arackniss: Horny teenager?
Angel: (gasps) Hey!
VAGGIE: Cut! Okay, Angel, I need you to be less horny if possible, and Husk, can you maybe not have the script in front of your face?
HUSK: (Angrily) I ain't no actor! I can't memorize this shit!
ANGEL: Well, we could improv this shit, baby cakes. (gets closer to Husk's face) Rrawwr. (purrs seductively)
(Husk gets irritated by Angel Dust and shoves him off the counter painfully hard.)
Everyone snickered.
Arackniss: Saw that coming.
Angel: Oh, please like you and Penn haven't….
Arackniss: Not. A. Word. Anthony.
Sir Pentious: Oh, good lord.
Monty: I mean…
Sir Pentious: Don't even think about it, Monty!
HUSK: Whoops.
(Husk grabs a bottle and drinks it.)
VAGGIE: Husk, come on.
(The camera turned to Victoria, Andy, and Kara.)
VAGGIE: OK, we'll circle back to you two. But maybe…
KARA: Why not just have the three of us share our experience here in the hotel?
VAGGIE: That'll work. (Points the video camera at them,)
(Victoria got a little freaked out, then she hid behind the couch.)
VAGGIE: Is she ok?
ANDY: Tori?
VICTORIA: Sorry, I'm not a fan of being on camera.
VAGGIE: Never mind. We'll figure something out.
Angel: You really hate being on camera?
Victoria: Being overshadowed by a more successful sister, I don't really like getting compared to her.
(Cutting back to Charlie's meeting with Adam, she's looked bored, propping herself on her elbows while listening to Adam exaggeratingly boasting about himself and his sex life. The camera cuts to Adam.)
ADAM: So, I was playin' this gig, and for some fuckin' reason, this virtue chick was diggin' on the drummer, and it's like, "do you know who I am? I'm fuckin' Adam. I'm the original dick!" (pointing to his penis down the table) All dicks descend from me. You think you want drummer dick? (Lute shaking her head) No way! I'm the Dick-fuckin' master! (eats a mouthful of ribs sloppily)
Angel: I'm sorry, you all call me horny?!
Molly: Where's an angelic bullet when you need one?
Kara: And I thought my date in Lust was a sexist pig.
Andy: Seriously? How is he the first soul in Heaven?
Lucifer: I know. Trust me, I've had to deal with him daily.
Angel: No wonder you banged both of his wives.
Henroin: Anthony!
Angel: What?! It's true.
Lucifer: It's alright Henroin. To be fair, I said that to Adam right in his face.
ADAM: So, anyway, then we fucked, and it was awesome. What'd you do this weekend?
CHARLIE: Wait, your name is Adam? Like the first man Adam, that means you…Oh….
(Charlie puts the pieces together, realizing this is the reason why her mother left him, making her wince.)
CHARLIE: (low voice) That explains so much.
Charlie: Now I know why Mom never likes talking about her time in the Garden of Eden.
ADAM: I know. I fucking rock. (Holds up his hand in the sign of the horns.)
(Charlie brushes off the awkwardness from Adam and gets to the subject at hand.)
CHARLIE: Well, Adam, sir. Mr. Adam, sir.
ADAM: Call me, Dickmaster.
Angel, Monty, Arackniss, Husk, Cherri, Henroin, Molly, Andy, Lucifer and Pentious nearly choked on their drinks.
Angel: (coughs) OK! I may be a porn star, but I would never go that far! Especially in front of the princess!
Arackniss: (coughs) At least you have some control. (coughs) I think I got some Wild Pegues in my nose.
Sir Pentious: (coughs) And I thought Monty had a himbo mouth.
Monty: Hey! At least I know when to stop. Sometimes.
CHARLIE: Adam. You seem like a smart— (pauses) …well, stand up guy.
ADAM: (picking his teeth) Uh-huh.
CHARLIE: And I know you are the leader of the angels. And you are a big thinker, a revolutionary. A— A genius!
ADAM: I mean, your words, babe.
CHARLIE: Who would really love to put his name on something.
ADAM: Fucking love putting my name on shit! Shit's the best!
CHARLIE: It's a solution to our biggest problem!
ADAM: Oh, herpes. Yeah, that's a bitch.
CHARLIE: No! Our... other biggest problem.
ADAM: Oh…uh..ugly people? Math? Global Warming? Nah, wait, that's Earth's problem.
(Charlie stares at Adam with deadpan annoyance at how ignorant he is.)
ADAM: Ummm…
Angel: Hey Lucifer, does Adam have dick for brains?
Lucifer: Yeah… He's always been a…. Um… what's the word I'm looking for?
Vaggie: A meathead?
Arackniss: A himbo?
Lucifer: He's both.
Andy: You left out a sexist pig.
Lucifer: Exactly!
(The scene goes back to the hotel. Niffty tries to stab a bug. She tries to stab the bug, but misses, and starts stabbing the bug multiple times before Vaggie stops her)
NIFFTY: Stab! Stab! Stab!
VAGGIE: Alright Niffty, Niffty. Niffty! Your line is "We have the cleanest rooms", okay?
NIFFTY: Got it. I'm ready.
(Vaggie turns the camera to Niffty.)
VAGGIE: Action!
(Upon saying action, instead of saying the line, Niffty freezes and stares blankly at the camera without a breath or blinking from the scene. Vaggie lowers the camera, looking puzzled. Angel also peers in. Close up on Niffty making a blank stare with an ominous shrinking pupil. Angel slowly backs away, already creeped out.)
Charlie: Umm….
Aasha: That was…
Andy: Weird?
Alastor: Niffty freezes on camera.
Angel: Freaky.
VAGGIE: Uhh, cut.
NIFFTY: (snaps out of it and back to her cheerful self) How was that?
VAGGIE: Well, Niffty, you actually have to say the line, so let's roll again.
NIFFTY: Ok!
VAGGIE: Action!
(Niffty freezes again, leaving Vaggie irritated, as Angel comes close to her face.)
ANGEL (whisper) You're doing great, Vagina.
VAGGIE: (irritated) Cut! Alright, uhh… maybe we can try to… fix it in post.
ANGEL: Do you even know what that means?
VAGGIE: (angrily) I'll figure it out!
Kara: No one knows what that means.
(The next scene cuts to a dark room with Vaggie sitting in front of a broken TV, watching the poorly edited shots of the commercial. She groans with frustration before Alastor enters the room.)
ALASTOR: Seems like you're having a bit of a trouble there, hmm?
VAGGIE: Ugh, este pendejo (this asshole) ... Why are you even here?
(Alastor takes a seat on a couch next to her.)
ALASTOR: For the entertainment.
(Alastor's shadow slips out of his form before reappearing behind the couch, making laughing gestures.)
ALASTOR: I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and (shadow disappears) fail spectacularly, like you are doing now. Good job!
Andy: You are sick, you know that?
Alastor: I know.
Lucifer: Is he serious?
Husk: Yes.
(Vaggie, getting ticked off by Alastor and his carefree insults, stands up and turns the camera toward him.
VAGGIE: (points the camera to Alastor) And here is Alastor, the egocentric piece of shit that—
(As Vaggie is panning the camera scene up to Alastor's face, the video camera glitches violently from green to red and Vaggie freaks out, dropping the sparking camera onto the floor.)
VAGGIE: UGH!
ALASTOR: I wouldn't try that, my dear. (pointing to his face) This face was made for radio.
(As Alastor explains, his pupils turn into the shape of radio dials, and the scene goes nearly static before fixing itself back to normal on Vaggie. She has had it with Alastor's insults and walks up to him.)
Cherri: Wow, freak and impressive.
Alastor: thank you.
VAGGIE: That's it. I don't care who or what you are. If you're staying here, you're going to make this work, because it won't be so (imitating Alastor's voice) "entertaining" (back to normal voice) to watch over an empty hotel, will it, shitass?
(As Vaggie returns to her chair, Alastor watches her with narrowed eyes.)
ALASTOR: (shrugging) Fair enough. (approaches her) I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal.
VAGGIE: Pfft, you think I'm that stupid, making a deal with a demon like you?
ALASTOR: Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again.
Lucifer: Not a fan of tech?
Alastor: Hmmpt. Useless if you ask me.
Molly: (to Angel) Is he always like this?
Angel: Yes.
(Vaggie has second thoughts on letting Alastor do the work for her.)
ALASTOR: Or…Charlie can come back to absolutely nothing. Your choice.
(Vaggie glances away for a brief moment before making her decision.)
VAGGIE: (sighs) Fine.
(Vaggie picks up the camera and places it in Alastor's hand, where green energy skulls start swirling around it.)
ALASTOR: Now then!
(Alastor evaporates the camera with a clap of his hand, then snaps his fingers, conjuring equipment for a film set, summoning Angel, Andy Grin, Kara, Victoria, Husk, and Niffty, and dressing up everyone in the Roaring Twenties. Ink demons are conjured up as additional film crew members.)
VAGGIE: Alright everyone, let's make a fucking commercial.
Lucifer: You guys couldn't have done it with your normal clothes?
Alastor: Gives it more flair.
Lucifer: It's tacky.
Angel/Arackniss/Molly/Henroin: Hey!
Angel: Some of us were from that timeline!
(The scene cuts to Charlie looking exasperated with another of Adam's sexist rants of women and his masculinity.)
ADAM: You know when you take her out for the fifth time and she still expects you to pay the check but you're like, (high pitched voice) "Hey, I thought you wanted equality."
Angel: Seriously, how is this guy an angel? That's like saying Valentino's a saint.
CHARLIE: NO! Our shared problem of overpopulation in Hell!
ADAM: Ohh. (pauses, then laughs) Well, that's not a problem! We got that covered! (turning to Lute) Lute, how many demons did you kill this year?
LUTE: Got a good 275 this year, sir.
ADAM: 275? Woah! Badass! Awesome job, danger tits! Pound it.
(Adam raises a fist for Lute to make a fist-bump, which she does.)
Vaggie growls.
Charlie: You good Vaggie?
Vaggie: Yeah. Lute just… She just gets under my skin. More than Alastor.
CHARLIE: Uh no, not awesome. Those are my people. You know that, right?
ADAM: Oh yeah. That must suck for you! (bursts into laughter)
CHARLIE: But these are souls...Human souls just the same as the ones you have up in heaven.
LUTE: (coldly) They are not the same. They had their chance and they earned damnation.
CHARLIE: You're wrong. Sinners made mistakes, sure, but everyone makes mistakes.
LUTE: Angels don't make mistakes.
CHARLIE: You really think that.
LUTE: I know that.
ADAM: Yeah, I've never made a mistake in my fuckin' life.
Angel: The fuck!?
Arackniss: Is he serious right now?!
Monty: And you guys call me a himbo.
Angel/Arackniss: Shut up Monty!
ADAM: Oops, almost out of time. Guess we should get into it.
CHARLIE: Oh, fuck!
(Charlie rushes to present her plan as fast as she can, summoning a stack of papers to the table.)
CHARLIE: Okay, I've got a lot to get through and not a lot of time, and I feel like you weren't hearing me before, so here it goes. (clears throat)
(Charlie starts singing quickly, pulling drawings from the stack to show them what she means.)
CHARLIE:
I know Hell's population is out of control
It's a bad situation, it's taking a toll
If we rehab these sinners and cleanse all their souls
At my Hazbin Hotel
(Charlie puts down the drawings she's holding and reaches for another.)
CHARLIE: Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself! Right Extermination!
Kara: OK how do you do that so fast? Even I can't sing that fast and II once did a forgotten rap single.
Angel: Really?
Kara: It was a trying time, and I only did that once. And I regret it.
CHARLIE:
I know you guys fly down just to kill once a year
And it must be annoying to schlep all the way here
If they join you in Heaven, that trip disappears!
You can wave that chore farewell
(deep breath) It'll be a happy day in—
(Adam interrupted Charlie's speech.)
ADAM (CHARLIE):
Let me stop you right there (Oh)
Save us all precious time (Okay)
If what you're suggesting is letting them climb
Up the ladder oh, they'd rather cross the Pearly Gates? (Well, um)
Sorry sweetie, but there's no defyin' their fates
'Cause Hell is forever, whether you like it or not
Had their chance to behave better, now they boil in a pot
'Cause the rules are black and white
There's no use in tryin' to fight it
They're burnin' for their lives until we kill 'em again
Andy: You know I want to hate him, but he's got a good voice.
Lucifer: Ok, yeah. You aren't wrong.
Charlie: Dad!
Lucifer: Right sorry. Him harassing my daughter.
CHARLIE: Okay, uh—
ADAM:
Just try to chillax babe, you're wasting your breath
CHARLIE: Hehe...
ADAM:
Did I hear you imply that they don't deserve death?!
Are they winners? Are they sinners?
'Cause it's cut and dry
CHARLIE: Well, actually, if you take a look—
ADAM:
Fair is fair, an eye for an eye
And, when all's said and done (Said and done)
There's the question of fun
And for those of us with divine ordainment
Extermination is entertainment!
Everyone: Th fuck?!
Lucifer: That stupid, fat, egotistical, (His demon form comes out) Manipulative piece of shit!
RavenDragon: Cool it, Lucifer.
Lucifer calms down.
ADAM:
Bow-now-now-nownow, guitar solo, fuck yeah!
(Adam started to fly around the room, pretending to rock out on a guitar. Charlie was getting annoyed with this jerk.)
CHARLIE: Ugh…
ADAM:
Hell is forever, whether you like it or not
Had their chance to behave better
(Four golden mirages of Exorcists appear, surrounding Charlie from all sides.)
CHARLIE: Where the hell did you people come from?!
ADAM:
Now they boil in a pot
'Cause the rules are black and white
There's no use in tryin' to fight it
They're burnin' for their lives until we kill 'em again
Fuckin', Hell is forever and it's meant to suck a lot
So give up your dumb endeavor, 'cause you don't have a shot
(Charlie gets so angry that she turns into her demon form, making a growling noise as she burns the paper she's holding)
Andy: Even the princess has limits.
Victoria: You're starting to scare me.
Charlie: Me? Scary?
ADAM:
Long as I got your attention
I guess I should probably mention
That we made the determination
To move up the next Extermination
(Adam then pulled out a scroll that said, 'fuck you, I do what I want.')
CHARLIE: What?!
ADAM:
Can't wait a whole year to slaughter those little cunts
I know it's just been a week, but we'll be back in six months!
(Despite being a hologram, Adam grabs Charlie and throws her right out of the door. Lute throws her papers after her.)
Vaggie: That's it!
Vaggie tried to jump out of her seat but Charlie, Cherri, Kara, and even Angel was holding her back from attacking the screen.
CHARLIE: Um, wait, you-you—
(As Charlie tries to get to Adam, the door slowly closes while he continues to do a guitar solo shredding. It fully closes before she can reach him.)
CHARLIE: (tearing up) Ugh, SHIT!
(Defeated, Charlie slams a fist on the door before the scene cuts to black.)
Vaggie was still being held back by the girls and Angel.
Angel: Easy there Vags!
Charlie: Vaggie, stop!
Cherri: Gee. This shelia's crazy!
Angel: Not the time Cherri!
Vaggie finally calmed down.
Charlie: Better?
Vaggie: Yeah. I'm better now.
(Charlie sadly returns to the hotel. Vaggie runs to her and hugs her.]
VAGGIE: Charlie! How did it go, did they listen?
CHARLIE: Oh, they sure did… hear it. But, um-
VAGGIE: Oh, come here! We have something exciting to show you.
(Vaggie leads Charlie to the group)
VAGGIE: Alastor pulled some strings and it's about to air.
ALASTOR: I pulled a few limbs too, hahaha!
KARA: Not funny.
Henroin: I liked it.
Lucifer: Same.
Arackniss/Molly/Angel/Charlie: (groans) Dad…
CHARLIE: Wait, the commercial? You all made a new one?
ANGEL: Yeah, one of my better performances if I do say so myself.
CHARLIE: *beaming and tearing up* That's... that's amazing.
ANGEL: Sshh, it's starting.
VAGGIE (On TV): Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel -
(TV cuts to a breaking news report. Vaggie, Charlie, Kara, Andy, Victoria, and Angel get annoyed and angrily complain. Niffty claps and giggles.)
KATIE KILLJOY: Breaking news in Hell today! We have just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next Extermination is happening sooner than ever before. Do you know what that means, Tom?
TOM TRENCH: No, what does that mean, Katie?
KATIE KILLJOY: It means we're all royally fucked! *Eye twitches*
(Screaming can be heard from Sinners as the time on the Clock Tower reduces to 176 days until the next Extermination.)
ANGEL Wait, what? Why?!
VICTORIA: Can they do that?!
KARA: I guess so.
Charlie: Dad did you...?
Lucifer: Sorry no. Honestly, I don't even know why Adam's moved up the extermination. Hell, he shouldn't even move up the exterminations! The agreement was once a year! I swear if this is Sera's idea, I'm gonna make her regret this!
Arackniss: (To Pentious) Never call me overprotective or temperamental again after this.
Sir Pentious: Well…
Arackniss: You know I can make you sleep on the couch when we get back.
Sir Pentious: And forgotten!
Angel: So, you top?
Arackniss: Anthony!
Angel: Hey, don't blame me that you're pulling the same trick that Ma used to do on Pops when he would forget a date night.
Henroin: Ok that only happened once.
Molly: No, it was ten times. And one of them was your anniversary.
Lucifer: Ouch! (laughs)
Charlie: Um, dad? Mom did the same thing to you after…
Lucifer: (Stops laughing and blushed) Ok, ok! You made your point! No one needs to know!
Alastor: Hmm…
Lucifer: (to Alastor) Don't you even think about it, Bambi!
Husk: Don't bother. He'll find out sooner or later.
Lucifer: (groans)
(A drone scours an area until it finds a dead Exorcist corpse with its head missing. The drone scans the corpse.)
LUTE: We found the body, sir. They've never managed to kill one of us before. We should just go down there now and destroy them!
ADAM: No, no. We can't risk them catching on. But don't worry. When we come back, there won't be a demon left alive to pull a stunt like this again!
(Adam slams a fist on the projector, destroying it and causing its light to disappear, leaving only Adam's glowing evil smile.)
Everyone minus Lucifer: Angels can be killed?!
RavenDragon: Right. I pulled you guys out before the extermination happened.
Angel: How did that happen?
RavenDragon: The answer will be revealed soon.
Vaggie: You can't tell us?!
RavenDragon: Spoilers.