AN: Thank you to those reviewing! I love reading your feedback and was glad to see that you all trust me and the process & that I will always be team MerDer. This chapter is painful, and we still have some pain ahead of us, but I hope you guys enjoy the upcoming time hop.
Derek avoided me like the plague for the next three days. We were both supposed to go back to school next week and I wasn't sure if I would even see him prior to leaving. On top of that, my stress was increasing, and the nausea was getting worse. I needed to see a doctor about getting on anxiety medicine or something because there was no way I could go forward like this. Amelia and I found our apartment off campus together, I had to now find someone to move in with me because I didn't want to live on my own even though I figured my mother would cover the other half of rent given the circumstances. I was determined to not let this death sink me, to not let Derek's avoidance sink me to and make something of myself just like Ellis said. I can't change what happened to Amelia or Derek's behavior and as much as I was hurting, I had to move forward.
I decided that today I was going to go to the Shepherd's and force Derek to talk to me. I needed to know what he wanted to do. Everything was fresh and I understood his pain better than he realized, but we couldn't go forward like this. If he wanted to end things, I think what was left of my heart would probably shatter, but I held out hope that he would come to his senses and realize that we needed each other during this tough time, not the opposite.
When I finally worked up the nerve, I knocked on the door to the Shepherd's house and got no answer. Michael's truck was gone but Carolyn's car and Derek's truck were parked outside. I took a breath and opened the door. Luckily, it was unlocked. The downstairs was quiet and the door to Carolyn and Michael's bedroom was closed. The house wasn't a wreck per se, but the normally orderly home had clothes and boxes thrown around. I made my way upstairs and was met with Amelia's black door and her "keep out poster". It was haunting. I wanted to bolt out of the house but instead traced the letters. We laughed and laughed the day we walked home from middle school and put it up. We thought it was the most genius idea at that it would give us all the privacy in the world. I wish I could re-live that.
I heard movement and saw that Derek's door was open. I studied him quietly for a bit.
He was packing anything and everything into duffel bags. He seemed frustrated and ran his hand through his hair. He must have felt my gaze, and our eyes met.
"Hi" I said quietly lingering outside his doorframe.
"Did my mom let you in?" He asked like I was invading his privacy, and I guess I was. I just didn't expect to be treated like it.
"No, I let myself in." I told him, wrapping my arms around myself in comfort.
He scrunched up his face at me, almost in disgust. I felt hurt disguising itself as anger.
"We need to talk Derek" I told him bluntly. I felt the ring he had given me resting in my pocket.
"There's nothing to say." He told me turning his body away from mine and fidgeting with some clothes that he was packing.
"There's so much to say and you're avoiding me." I told him finally walking into his room. It was a mess and so was he.
"I'm not avoiding you. I just… I don't want to see you." He told me harshly.
"Why?" I asked confused. I had no idea why Amy's death meant that he had to hate me suddenly.
"Because Meredith, my sister is dead. What don't you understand?" He told me as if he was exasperated and exhausted from fighting all day. This was the most he had said to me in ten days.
I felt tears stinging the back of my eyes. Amelia was gone and it was a reality we both had to deal with.
"I understand perfectly." I told him keeping my resolve. I knew just as well as he did that my best friend was dead and was never coming back.
"Then stop. Stop trying to find me, stop talking to me, stop coming over here. Everything has changed. It's- we can't go back." He told me. He looked so dejected. The harshness had left his voice and was replaced with a complete and total lack of emotion. It felt worse than the anger.
"We're engaged." I reminded him. How could he have forgotten everything this easily. I knew grief looked differently on everyone, but how could his grief cause him to stop wanting me around.
"We were engaged." He corrected me.
"You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I was there." I reminded him.
He sighed and I saw tears well up in his eyes before he blinked them back.
"Yes, I did want those things but I can't marry you anymore." He told me and it came out like a plea.
"Why not?" I spluttered.
"Because I can't. I see you and you're my reminder of her. You two were always together. Always inseparable. I can't separate the two of you. Even my mom says it. We just… we can't be around you again." He told me looking into my eyes blankly. He meant what he was saying.
"We have to keep Amelia's memory alive. We all loved her. Why wouldn't you want to remember her?" I asked him. He said nothing.
"Besides Derek, I could say the same about you. How am I supposed to separate the two of you. It's not possible." I pleaded.
"Exactly Meredith, it's not possible." He told me as if I was finally understanding him.
I was beginning to panic. This was ending. He was ending it and I was losing everything,
He stopped what he was doing and looked at me deeply. He looked like my Derek for just a moment.
"It's too painful. I don't want to hurt you, Meredith. We had….. what we had was beautiful and I will never forget it. I will never forget you. Ever. But I'm leaving, I can't stay in this state, and I can't pretend like my feelings haven't changed because they have. I'm different now. I'm changed forever and I don't want this."
"You don't want me anymore." I breathed.
"I don't" he confirmed
I sighed. I felt like I was about to pass out. I walked further into his room and sat on his bed. He sat beside me. I needed a minute to collect myself.
I buried my face in my hands.
We sat in silence.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.
I lifted my face to look at him "No. I'm making an appointment with a doctor, its anxiety or something."
"Okay" he muttered although his face held concern. I knew deep down he still cared but I was hurting so badly, more than I even realized at the time that I didn't have the will power to fight him. My heart was broken too. My life was completely changed too.
I fumbled into my pocket and pulled the ring out that he gave me. I looked at it in my hand for a moment. It was beautiful and it felt like I was giving a piece of myself back to him. The ring wasn't mine for very long, but it somehow belonged to me.
I handed it to him. One day, maybe someone else would wear it. That thought killed me.
He looked at me like I had just ripped his world apart, but he was the one who ripped mine.
It took him a minute, but he took the ring. I could tell that for just a moment we had the same thought, that I wouldn't be wearing his grandmother's ring ever, that I wouldn't be married to him, that I would be out of his life as he was asking.
"I'm sorry" he breathed. His eyes were red-rimmed. I wanted to run.
"Don't. There's something of Amelia's that I want to remember her by. It's in her room. Can you do me at least that decency?" I asked sharply. I felt a sudden rush of anger.
He nodded and I got up to walk to her room. He followed behind me. I wanted as far away from him as possible.
I walked through her room and took in the sight of a room that I had spent so much of my life in. This was probably the last time I would ever see this place. Derek hovered by the doorframe and watched me.
I tried to hold back my tears, but they were falling freely. I walked over to her dresser that was lined with tons and tons of pictures of the two of us. I had similar ones framed in my room. We had a shortened lifetime worth of friendship and my heart ached. My fingers traced each frame.
Her bed was unmade. It drove Carolyn crazy, but Amelia always said she didn't see the point. There was Columbia memorabilia everywhere, I didn't want to return to the school without her but that wouldn't be an option.
"I want the hoodie. Is that okay?" I asked tightly. Amelia went through an emo faze in high school and got this black skull hoodie that she wore all the time. She wore it so much that it had holes in the sleeves, but it was so her. Every time I thought of her, she was in that hoodie. It was laying on her bed. She probably just had it on the day she died.
Derek nodded and I grabbed it. I held it close to me. I gazed at the room one last time and tried to take a mental picture even though I didn't need to, I had spent so much time in that room that I already knew it like the back of my hand.
I left the room with Derek following behind me. I didn't say a word.
He followed me down the stairs and out of the house.
"Why are you following me? I'm leaving" I asked him sharply. I wanted away from him. He broke me.
"I don't think we'll ever see each other again." He told me and his breath caught in his chest as he finished his sentence. It was like reality of his actions were hitting him.
"Yeah" I said waiting to see what left he had to say. I had nothing.
"Mer" he whispered sadly.
I looked at him to continue and he was silent.
"There's nothing else to say Derek. This is unbelievably cruel, and you know that."
He nodded "I know" he told me solemnly. "But I have one more thing to ask and then I'll never ask anything from you again."
"Fine" I muttered.
"I don't want you to try and contact me ever again. I am as close to at peace with my decision as I'll ever be able to get, and I need you to promise me that you will never reach out, never try to find me, no matter what. I need this." He pleaded.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked. I felt anger. I felt pain. I felt intense sadness and I felt tears streaming down my face.
"I have to. I just – I don't want to hurt you. I don't."
"Then why are you?" I asked
"Meredith, please understand. Amelia is dead and a part of me is too. I will never be the same again."
"And neither will I." I yelled at him. How could he not see my broken-ness too.
"You're stronger than I am. You always have been. Meredith, I can't love you anymore. I can't marry you. I can't be in a relationship with you, and I can't see you. I don't want it anymore. We're moving far away from here. It's over. If you can just promise me, you won't try anymore and you'll let me be, I can leave with a little peace. I need you to promise me." He pleaded. Tears fell down his face and I assumed mine too. I felt suddenly numb.
I studied him, drinking in the last moments I would ever see Derek Shepherd. I hated that we were ending like this and for a reason completely out of my control, but I was done begging for a spot in his life. If this is what he needed, I would give it to him. I was too tired for anything else.
"You'll never hear from me or see me again, I promise" I told him with resolve looking him straight in his tear-stained eyes and I walked away from him for forever back into my house. I felt his gaze on me the entire time.
This chapter was over. I had to move forward. I fell a part, was this rock bottom?
A few days later, I moved into my new apartment that I was supposed to live in with my best friend. I wore her hoodie and unpacked my boxes. I tried to decorate it the way she and I had planned. I hung curtains and bought groceries and checked my class list and made sure my backpack was stocked and ready for tomorrow. I was in the middle of loading books onto the built-in bookshelves in the living room when I heard a knock on the door.
I opened my door to see Michael Shepherd standing in front of me.
"Hi Meredith." He said to me. He looked unsure of himself; I'd never seen him look like this.
"Hi" I welcomed him in.
"So, this is the new place. Amelia would have loved it." He told me looking around.
"Yeah, she was the one who really picked it, I was just along for the ride." I agreed.
He smiled tensely "That sounds like her."
I nodded.
"I don't know what Derek has told you-"Michael started.
"Derek and I are over. He said you guys are moving far away." I told Michael crossing my arms over my chest.
Michael nodded "He's grieving and he's not grieving well. Meredith, I have always had a soft spot for you. I always will, but our family is turned upside down and we have to go. I'm glad you're here in school. I just stopped by to remind you to work hard and make something of yourself because you're a smart kid. I don't want this to define you."
"You didn't just stop by. You drove two hours to get here." I pointed out.
He nodded but didn't say more.
"Where are you moving?" I asked. It was the question that had plagued me since Derek told me they were leaving.
"We're moving to the West Coast and are going to stay with Carolyn's sister for a while. Maybe indefinitely. Derek figured something out with his rotations. He doesn't want you to know where he is, but he's going to be okay."
"So, he knows you're here?" I asked.
Michael sighed "He does."
"How is any of this fair?" I asked.
"It's not and if life has taught anything to any of us this summer it's that life is never fair." Michael told me.
"I don't understand why Derek hates me" I confessed.
"He doesn't hate you; he hates himself." Michael told me as if it was so clear and so simple. It wasn't.
"He said he'll never be able to be around me again, that I only remind him of Amy, and he said that Carolyn feels the same way."
"They're similar. They grieve the same. This is just the grief talking not the truth." Michael tried to comfort me.
I felt my eyes well with tears as I processed what he told me.
"Meredith, I have loved you like one of my own, but you're not one of mine and I can't take you with us. We have to start over; the grief is just too heavy and I'm sorry for that. I truly am." He told me with so much sincerity that it almost made up for the fact that I was being abandoned all over again.
I nodded "I'll be fine." I told Michael and he gave me one last sad look.
"Take care Meredith" he told me and offered me a sad smile.
"You too" I replied and followed him to the door. He closed it behind him and the final look he gave me reminded me so much of Derek that bile rose to my throat. I ran to the kitchen sink of the apartment that I was supposed to share with my dead best friend and vomited the grief out of my body.
When I settled myself, I dug into my backpack and pulled out the item I had purchased last night from the convenience store. The nausea and other weird symptoms could be the grief, could be the stress or could be something else entirely. I was too sad to have a preference, but I finally worked up the courage to face the truth.
I sat on my bathroom floor and counted the tiles as I waited for the timer to go off. After a few minutes, it went off and I silenced it. I wasn't ready to check, so I waited a little while. Finally, I sucked in a deep breath and moved to the counter. I saw a plus sign and realized that I wasn't alone anymore and that gave me a sense of relief that made absolutely zero sense in the world.
TBC…
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