Warnings for this chapter: Events that could be construed as domestic violence or sexual coercion
It was two more months before Carmen was well enough for church. She and Jotaro took their place on a pew, leaving Jolyne's stroller in the aisle beside them. Jotaro worried that she might fuss during Mass, but every time she woke, he rolled the stroller back and forth, and thankfully she got through the entire service. Afterwards, Carmen carried Jolyne around, her gait still wobbly, introducing her to friends and acquaintances. Each squealed, admiring the baby girl. Jotaro found Father Ignacio in the distance.
"Have you heard from them?" Jotaro asked as soon as they were in his private library. Polnareff and Jackson's errand had been weighing on him.
Ignacio shook his head. "Mr. Polnareff called to say that they were moving north, but that was nearly a month ago." He clasped his hands, the sinews in his neck showing. "How's the baby?"
There was a sting of disapproval in the question that Ignacio couldn't hide. Another emotion leaked too, seeping into Jotaro's mind. Jealousy. But Jotaro's own jealousy was deep and dark, meanwhile Ignacio's felt like a pen scraping his skin.
"Can you keep your thoughts to yourself?" Jotaro said flatly.
"You're troubled," Ignacio spoke quietly, like he'd barely heard him.
"Yeah, I've got some psychic priest-" Memories flooded Jotaro's mind, and his voice fell off. He had Carmen on all fours and was fucking her, howling, sweat pouring down his chest, pooling on her back. Jotaro focused, trying to stop Ignacio from probing the memory further. There were so many times he'd been loving. So many times he and Carmen had frolicked, giggling like kids on a playground. Why did Ignacio have to see him red and gasping, his third time around, trying to thrust the pain away? The memory faded, replaced by Jotaro dabbing sweat from Carmen's forehead, then kissing her pregnant belly. Holly's vapid smiles at their wedding as she clutched Mr. Nakamura. Jotaro doing laundry one-handed with Jolyne pressed against his heart. The distant laughter of Carmen's family, bantering in a foreign language.
Behind it all, Ignacio's conscience swayed back and forth. He wanted to help Jotaro. He was angry that Jotaro had turned his back on his God-given gift. Finally he got to his feet. "Let me show you something." He led Jotaro into the main library, then climbed a ladder up a bookshelf. He came down with a large book, The Art of Hieronymus Bosch.
"Have you ever seen The Adoration of the Magi?" Ignacio put the book on a desk, jogging it open. The pages split, as if they'd been turned to that page often, revealing a photo of a wood-paneled painting. "It's one of my favorite pieces of Christian art." In the center, the Wise Men crowded around Mary, who was holding baby Jesus. Ignacio pointed to a lone figure, barely visible, in the background. "That's St. Joseph, washing our Savior's diapers." The priest smoothed the pages, stressing the book's already cracked spine. "Even the patron saint of fathers felt overlooked."
Jotaro frowned. The whole thing was such an act. The conversation in the library. The overworn book. The visit to the inner sanctum. Maybe if Ignacio could contain his contempt, he would have fallen for it.
Ignacio rummaged through a drawer, pulling out a medallion on a chain, bearing an image of a man cradling a baby. "I'll give you this St. Joseph medal." He pressed it into Jotaro's hand.
"How many of those have you got in there?" Jotaro sneered.
Ignacio shrugged. "It's a common problem."
His jaw tight, Jotaro turned to walk off, but his eyes hit the open page. The figure of Joseph nearly made him sick. How could that guy, that saint, wash every diaper, stay up every sleepless night, knowing that the baby he rocked and fed and cared for had to die for some selfless cause, never free just to love him? Did he ever doubt? Did he ever falter?
Jotaro shoved the medallion in his pocket and stormed off, the back of his throat burning.
"Look at this!" Carmen squealed as Jotaro came through the door after a long night at the aquarium. She was sitting on the sofa with Jolyne on her lap. "She's figured out she can move her hands." Jolyne waved her arms in front of her face, following them with her eyes. She smiled. Jotaro watched, delighted, until she got bored and nodded off. Stooping, he kissed his daughter's tiny forehead, then pressed his lips against Carmen's neck. She quickly kissed his cheek.
Jotaro took off his shoes, then sat at the kitchen table, scanning the living room. Carmen hadn't done one single thing since he'd left. Dirty dishes were stacked on the counters, laundry was piled by the washing machine, the bottles he'd sterilized before he left were still unfilled. He tapped his fingers on the table, looking pointedly at Carmen. "Do we have anything for breakfast?"
Carmen rubbed Jolyne's back. "I'm sorry, she's been such a handful."
Sighing, Jotaro opened up the cupboard, but every box of cereal was empty. There weren't any eggs in the fridge either. Carmen gently rocked Jolyne, her head craned away from him, like he wasn't even there.
He stood, causing his chair to rattle. "Will you make something tomorrow?"
She shifted slightly, brushing Jolyne's scalp, which was starting to get the tiniest tufts of hair. "We'll see how this scallywag behaves," she chuckled. She looked so much like Holly, the way she laughed, not a care in the world.
Jotaro's breath became audible. "Maybe I won't go to work or pay the bills."
For the first time since he'd come in, Carmen really looked at him. Her eyes were wide and she blinked. "I- I-" Her lips flapped. "I-" She sniffed.
The energy drained from Jotaro's body, but he folded his arms.
"I- I'm trying. It's so hard." Her mouth twisted, "She needs me all the time." She wiped her running nose with her sleeve.
Jotaro stared at her. Why was she so weak? Melissa would have been running the HOA and writing her Master's thesis with triplets on her shoulders, but then, Jotaro had always wondered if Trent was really attracted to her. "You can go to the store, get some cereal and put it in a bowl. I don't think this is beyond you."
Carmen opened her mouth to speak, then started outright bawling.
Jotaro's hands clenched. How many babies were there in this living room? "Can you pretend to care about me just a little bit?" he murmured, "Can you pretend to care enough to suffer and strive and struggle?"
Her lips flailed and she kept crying, and he was so fucking sick of it. He walked out the door. "I'm going to go eat somewhere," slamming it behind him.
Blanca knew what Carmen was like. The next Saturday, she filled their fridge with meals in tupperware containers. "Oscar put some diapers in Jolyne's room too." Like the whole family, Blanca pronounced the name with a 'y'. Yolyne.
Jotaro shoveled the usual empanadas into his mouth as she spoke, still groggy from an afternoon napping. "Thank you."
"Don't worry about it," Blanca said, "You're doing really good with the baby."
Jotaro nodded. She ran her hand down his back, all the way to the base of his spine, like she did with Carlos and Camilo, and it tingled. More than he liked. More than he wanted it to.
Jotaro soon ventured into the living room. He should thank Oscar for the diapers personally. As he passed, Blanca paused a conversation in Spanish with her sister Gloria. "We were wondering, when's your family visiting?"
Jotaro froze. Did she not remember asking before? But he supposed that had been months ago. He looked at Blanca's face. She was doing an American thing, where people asked questions, fishing for answers that made them no feel bad. Sure, my father abandoned me, but he was a jackass, never missed him. I always hated those pants I just spilled grease on, been trying to wear them out so I can get new ones. Jotaro searched for the right answer. "It's the busy season in real estate-"
"Stop asking, mom," Carlos cut him off, with a rare sentence in English. "Those people aren't like us." He laughed with a bit of a swagger. He was drunk. "Joseph Joestar isn't going to sit down on that sofa. Sadao Kujo isn't going to toss back a few drinks with us. Those people are way up here-" He raised his hand above his head, "And we're way down here." He lowered his arm as far as it could go.
Jotaro stared at him, the blood draining from his face.
"Carlos!" Blanca scolded, "I'm sure they're just busy."
"Right." Carlos laughed again, taking a swig of his beer. "Tell yourself that. Tell yourself that they're not out gallivanting, embarrassed by Jotaro here, embarrassed by all of us."
Jotaro breathed, his fists clenched, stepping so he was facing him. "I bailed out of jail, show me some respect."
Carlos smirked and winked, like he was making a dare. "You going to hold that over me forever?"
Jotaro scanned the room, his chest tight. Had he been a good enough son-in-law? Would anyone come to his defense? Oscar got up, then Castilo. Oscar put his arm around Carlos' back. "You've had too much to drink," he said in Spanish. Carlos elbowed him and he shuffled back. Castilo grabbed Carlos' arm, but he broke his grip.
"Maybe you're okay with this, but I'm not." Carlos declared, "I go away and my sister marries this-" he said a word in Spanish with a grimace, "You're all fawning over him, but he's not like us."
Jotaro stared at Carlos, stone faced, then lunged towards him, grabbing Carlos by his lapels. He could hear Castilo and Oscar's footsteps behind him Carlos cackled. There was a loud crack, and Jotaro looked to the side. Catalina had been playing with a stack of blocks, which had toppled. Her mouth gaped open. He couldn't beat Carlos up in front of his six-year-old sister.
Jotaro let him fall to the ground, then stormed out the door, not bothering to put on his jacket. He hoped Oscar might chase after him, but he walked one block, then two, and no one did. Soon, Jotaro met the crowds of Saturday evening revelers. He felt so much older than those kids now. Stepping into a corner store, he bought a fifth of whiskey, then sat on the edge of the sidewalk, smoking as he drained it.
There were people in Japan who thought that becoming a parent made you a different person. There were couples who called each other 'mom' and 'dad'. There were even men who rejected their wives because they didn't want to have sex with a mother. But now Jotaro knew, perhaps he'd always known, that he would always be himself. Nothing in the world could free him.
Jotaro stood, letting the empty bottle fall onto the curb and break, and found a payphone on a quiet side street. He punched in his calling card, then a number.
"Mr. Nakamura," Jotaro breathed, the second the call was answered, "When is Mother coming to visit?"
"Well, this is an unexpected call," Mr. Nakamura said, strained concern in his voice, "Is there something wrong with the baby?"
"No, no." Jotaro twisted the phone's cord, his stomach sinking, "I just thought she might want to see her."
"I appreciate the invitation, but as I explained before, we're in the middle of a deal for a new apartment building."
Jotaro clutched the receiver, grasping for words, the alcohol starting to numb his face. He could ask for Holly, but what would she say? Every reason he gave her to visit that wasn't good enough would be a barb that poked through his skin forever. There were Americans who called up their mothers, fathers, step-fathers to call them a piece of shit, but Jotaro didn't have it in him. "It's just that Jolyne's so wonderful, I don't want either of you to miss out."
Mr. Nakamura gave a short, false laugh. "How about you send us some photos?"
Jotaro walked back home, scanning the streets for Carmen's family's cars. He didn't have anywhere else to go. She was surrounded by so many people, did she really even need him? She was a real person and he was a discarded shell.
Their vehicles were all gone, so Jotaro walked through the door. Carmen was waiting on the sofa. Jolyne must be sleeping.
"I'm so sorry about Carlos."
Jotaro sat wordlessly next to her.
"He's just mad he missed so much in prison. He was looking for something mean to say." Carmen wrung her hands. "When he went in, we were all living together, and now I'm married, and he has a niece, and Camilo's graduated, and he's having trouble adjusting."
Carmen twisted her head, meeting Jotaro's vacant gaze. She put her arm around him, and it was so warm. Jotaro shifted her onto his lap. It felt so good to have her body against his. He pulled her closer. She was wearing a robe with a ribbon belt, and after a few minutes, he tugged at the knot.
"Come on," she whispered, pushing his hands away, "You know I haven't healed."
He moved his hands back. "I promise just to look. One tiny peek." He was feeling pathetic enough to jerk off while she held her robe open.
"No," she cried, "I'm so scarred. It's so gross. You don't want to see it."
"It can't be that bad." He got the knot open.
Carmen jumped to her feet, pulling her robe shut and moving away from him.
Jotaro's shoulders slumped, then curled forward. "My own fucking wife." His arms twitched. He stood, pacing towards her, "Do I not do enough for you?" He grasped her arm.
"Jotaro," she shrieked, trying to keep her robe shut with one hand while she yanked at the other. Her voice was loud, and a few seconds later, Jolyne started crying. The sound cut through Jotaro, causing his grip to loosen. Carmen freed her arm and hurried towards the nursery.
Jotaro slinked back to the sofa and sat, staring into space. Carmen spent longer than she should have tending to the baby. When she returned, her robe was back in place. Moving stiffly, she kneeled between his legs.
"Let's do this," Carmen whispered, unzipping his fly, her eyes glazed. He almost pushed her away, unnerved by her cold obligation, but it already felt so good, her hands were so soft, he was so hard and her lips were tight. She had such a perfect little mouth. He tried not to make a sound as he squeezed his eyes shut, grasping the cushions. He didn't deserve this. He could almost see angels. Carmen was so beautiful and loving and she was doing this for him. He came with a muffled moan.
Jotaro pulled Carmen onto his lap, and cradled her, fondling her breasts through the robe, causing milk to soak through the cloth. "Carmen," he whispered. There were tears in his eyes. "Carmen, why are you so good to me?"
Sorry, slowing down here, and I have to skip one more week. Business trip to Florida! I pledge to visit one museum and learn cool stuff about Miami to include in this story :)