EPISODE 9 - ''SOMEONE GAVE ME A MOUNTAIN-SIZED CONSOLATION PRESENT''

Lard Nar was laid in a bed and covered with a thick quilt. He was still unconcious, having a hard time breathing. And he had terrible fever too. I didn't know if it was deadly or not, that disease he was struggling with, but he surely was in pain.

'' What should I do? What should I do?'' – I thought.

I had my herbal tea bags with me, but was hesitant about using them as a cure for the sick Vortian.

'' What if linden or chamomile or any other herb from my old world does not affect Vortian organism the same way it does on the human one? What if these are poison for Lard Nar's race, instead of remedy? And what the hell is wrong with my tail !?''

Triangular end of my tail was strangely tingly and a little swollen as well. I gently squeezed it. As a result, a big drop of light-blue liquid leaked away from the very tip. I sweaped it with my finger and took it a sniff. This substancje had a very nice, very sweet scent. I put my finger in my mouth.

''Smells and tastes like orange juice'' – I stated. Suddenly, the tip of my tail grew longer and became thinner and sharper. It all seemed as if my fifth limb was trying to tell me something.

'' Did I get it right? Am I supposed to… give Lard Nar a shot?''

It's not like I had any real choice, did I? So I came up to Lard Nar, quickly sterilized a piece of skin on his arm with a wet ganze pad, grabbed this limb with my both hands and rose my tail.

- Sorry for what I'm about to do to you, Lard Nar. But it's all in the name of your health. – I said before I did my duty. The tip of my tail, long and thin like a needle, broke through the skin barrier and submerged in the bloodstream. Lard Nar started wiggling, hissing and wailing in pain. I injected some blue liquid inside his body and pulled out my tail. After that, the tip came back to its normal shape. I used another ganze pad a small portion of greenish-yellow blood from the point of injection and covered it with a sticking plaster.

- Now! Let's see how this works. – I said to myself a little proudly.

Within the next few seconds Lard Nar opened his eyes widely, looked around and sat down.

Huh? What happened? – he asked, puzzled.

You lost consciousness, captain. – answered Spleenk. – You were sick.

But Solitaire here cured you with her miraculous sting tail . – added Shloonktapooxis.

'' Sting tail'', huh! – I repeated in ironical tone.

Oh. Well… thank you, Solitaire. That was quiet painful, but nonetheless – looks like I'm completely healed.

Sorry once again.

Don't apologize. You meant well. Besides, I have had experienced things much worse than that.

I do believe you.

Alright. Since I'm not ill anymore, gotta get back to work immediately.

He left his bed and started doing his stuff as the fearless leader of the anti-Irken resistance group.

Activate the fantasite-tracking system. – he commanded. – We must ascertain the coordinates of our first destination.

A little while later, much to my fascination, holographic projector showed a 3D space map to everyone in the room. I could see the ocean of stars, planets, planetoids and other types of celestial bodies. Watching all that was making me feel so calm and very nostalgic too. Before I got a chance to take a better look at any of those shining dots, Lard Nar spoke again:

According to the system, the nearest place for us to come and get first few fantasites, is planet Enuresis.

''Enuresis? I think I've heard this word before. But what exactly does it mean?''- I asked myself I thoughts.

Soon enough, I already had the answer on my question. And I didn't like it. Planet Enuresis was a planet of mists and warm, stinky, yellow rivers. Its habitants resembled overgrown, living drops of urine. Try to guess what their traditional gifts for guests are. If your answer is ''diapers''- you are correct. And… this gift is not optional to accept. Enuresians won't listen a single word from strangers, unless they agree to wear their sacred diapers. And so, all aliens from the Resisty had to do as they were told to do. One of Enuresians came up to me, looked at me and said:

Hey, why doesn't she have a diaper on?

I DO HAVE ONE! GIMME A DAMN BREAK! – I yelled in wrath, uplifting lower part of my dress. That scared his off effectively. Ignoring my aggressive behavior, Lard Nar initiated conversation between him and the leader of Enuresians. He explained the cause of our arrival in few short phrases. In the beginning, the yellow drop beings were playing stupid, pretending to have no idea what Lard Nar was talking about. But the Vortian was persistent. No matter what, we had to gather every fantasite in the universe and he was not forgetting that even for a while. I was standing only few steps away, watching and listening, running low on my feeblish patience. I had my arms crossed, with one of my forefingers tapping against my shoulder. At the moment I was only several inches away from getting really furious, there he came. The only Enuresian who'd fantasites in a possession.

- Ugh, finally! – I mumbled angrily.

What I saw two seconds later, only increased my rage.

The Enuresian handed Lard Nar a pair of small, oval, colorful gems.

What the…? – I said loudly in discontentment. - TWO fantasites!? This is it!? That's what we're receiving for efforts of Lard Nar and humiliation of us all!?

You don't need to get so upset, Solitaire. – Lard Nar spoke to me in attempt to appease me. – These two fantasites are the only ones we'd get on this planet.

- Wha…? A-are you sure? - I asked, slightly embarrassed.

- Yes, I am positive. It's just like our fantasite-tracking system said.

Oh, but I hoped we'd get a little more of them…

I'm sorry for you being so disappointed.

I growled but didn't say anything.

Right after we left Enuresis, I took off that goddamn diaper and mammocked it with a single kick.

Shit! – I cursed and went straight to my room.

I was really frustrated, but not because of that shitty underwear for babies.

The longer we are on our space journey to gather fantasites, the worse! – I said to myself. – There must be a way to complete this mission much faster. There must be!

I raised my leg to kick the door of my room, but this one hit never came. I sensed something on the other side. Something as nice as huge.

What the fuck…? – I mumbled before I entered the room. I barely stepped in when I saw a view so incredible, practically impossible to oversight. My eyes grew three times bigger and my jaw dropped down on the floor. About half of this small space was filled with plushies, dolls and figures of many kinds. Some of them were new, never removed from their boxes, some were old, vintage actually. But all of them had this one little thing in common – they were part of my long, looooooooooong wishlist of stuff I really desired to have in my collection. Horror movie killers, magical girls, cute little creatures, Barbie and her numerous incarnations, various action figures, including…. INVADER ZIM FIGURINE SETS BY PALISADE TOYS! I was laughing, squeaking, sheding tears of happiness, cuddling these toys, I even swam in them likein the water for a while! And ''Beauty'' (from the ''Sailor Moon'' soundtrack) was played in my head, over and over again. A few moments later… I stood still and the imaginary music went silent. I asked myself:

But why are these things here anyway? They do not belong to me after all. None of aliens of the Resisty would have left them here for me. They know nothing about me or the world I came from.

And then, I found a white envelope lying on the floor. I picked it up and opened it. Inside, there was a card with a picture of two white teddy bears hugging each other with tenderness. I opened the card to find a short text, written freehand. It read:

''Dear Solitaire,

Happy late birthday. Hope you like your presents from me. Have fun!

Your best friend''

- My best friend? But I don't have any friends, let alone the best one.

I had absolutely NO clue who would that be. Nevertheless, I was grateful for all the presents my ''best friend'' has given to me. That gave much more little treasures to my collection. And, of course, much more soldiers to my monster army.