Cell vs Vladimir Makarov
"-all I'm saying is that Black Ops 6 is in a horrible state for Season 1!" Cell said, on the phone with Kermit who was still playing Black Ops 6.
"I think you're overreacting," Kermit told Cell, with the distinct clicking of buttons on a controller being heard, before Kermit shouting, "YOU CHEATING SON OF A BITCH!"
"You are shouting into my ear, stop!" Cell snapped at Kermit, not happy at the sudden outburst.
"Sorry," Kermit apologized.
"Look, Modern Warfare 3 had a better launch than this did, and that's saying something," Cell continued.
"...the 2011 version, or the 2023 version?" Kermit asked.
"Obviously I'm talking about the 2023 version, not the goated 2011 version!" Cell replied. "Granted it was still in a pretty bad state, but at least the dev team was pumping out content literally every week, even if some of the camos were mid. Hell, that game was ACTUALLY fun, even if it's just filled with wannabe Twitch streamers and people wearing Gold or Platinum ranked skins because they think they're so cool when they're hardstuck in their rank!"
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Kermit shouted, before quickly saying, "Yeah, I see your poi- STOP SPAWN CAMPING YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
Cell, unamused with Kermit's shouting and suffering from the ringing in his ears, ended up hanging up on Kermit due to his repeated shouting. "Goddamn, where did the years go?" Cell questioned, before suddenly several helicopters appeared out of nowhere and a bunch of armed militants with a symbol of an opened skeletal snake jaw and a red knife going through the head of the snake.
As Cell was ultimately surrounded, he put his hands up in surrender. "Holy shit, what the fuck is going on?!" Cell questioned, looking around.
"You are now our prisoner," a distinctly Russian voice called out, before Cell saw the reboot Vladimir Makarov from the new Modern Warfare trilogy.
"Oh my god, it's the shittier Makarov!" Cell shouted, before he was shot in the leg by a Konni operative.
"I will not take such backtalk in my presence, сволочь (svoloch')," Makarov swore as he then executed the Konni operative who shot at Cell.
"What do you want?!" Cell questioned, kneeling on the ground as his hand rubbed and nursed his leg that still had a bullet in it.
"To restore power to Russia!" Makarov declared. "Using you, the West will fall at the hands of our bio-experiments, where we will promptly create even greater bio-androids! We will give birth to even newer super soldiers that would make even Captain America tremble in his pants!"
"You will never get away with this!" Cell shouted.
"We will send a message to everyone, and to Mother Russia herself!" Makarov shouted, before laughing condescendingly at Cell. "Разве ты не видишь? (Razve ty ne vidish'?) This is our message to send!"
"This is not a message," another Konni operator said, before shooting Makarov in the head, causing the Ultranationalist to fall to the ground dead, prompting a good portion of the Konni soldiers to suddenly execute their fellow soldiers. The Konni soldier that shot Makarov then took off his helmet and face gear, revealing himself to be the original Valdmir Makarov from the original Modern Warfare trilogy. "This is a message."
"Oh my god, the better Makarov!" Cell exclaimed. "...OH SHIT, THE BETTER MAKAROV!"
"To say this thing succeeded me is a mockery," the original Makarov stated as he kicked the deceased over. "It doesn't take the most powerful nations on Earth to create the next global conflict. Just the will of a single man. This?" Makarov crouched and gestured to the deceased Makarov. "This is not a man. It is a shell." Standing up, he shot the reboot Makarov twice in the chest for good measure.
"What are you after?" Cell asked.
"The correct things," Makarov told Cell. "To restore power to Russia, even if it is upon a pile of ashes from various countries around the world, and to remind people who the real villain is." Kicking over the deceased Makarov once more, he said, "These half shelled wannabe terrorists know nothing of what they're doing. Urzikstan means nothing. It is but a small country with no power. There is no reason to conquer such a pointless plot of land." Looking from the deceased Makarov to Cell, he asked, "Do you know what is the difference between me and this fool?"
"Uh… you can't use superpowers?" Cell asked.
Makarov scoffed. "Ah yes, those. And to think this fool couldn't dodge a bullet in time with all the power he had." Makarov pulled out a file about the reboot Makarov. "Levitation, light manipulation, heat vision, super speed, flame breath, freeze breath, super strength… the list goes on and on, and yet he still died." The OG Makarov closed the file, and looked at Cell. "This reliance on something so niche led to his own death. He literally had the power of Godzilla in him, and he still died."
"Oh right, the Godzilla bundle," Cell commented.
"Even you are injured by a simple bullet," Makarov said, gesturing to Cell's leg, which Cell was still holding. "And you can blow up a planet."
"Bullets and guns are stronger in the DAU, what did you expect?!" Cell shouted.
Makarov took a moment to process that information, staring at Cell with what was… contempt. "You seem quick to give excuses," Makarov stated. "Whatever, you cannot stop me." Makarov then took out a Five-Seven handgun. "One in the head, two in the chest." The terrorist then singlehandedly did as he said, placing a bullet in Cell's head, before placing two in his chest.
Holstering his pistol, Makarov shouted, "Everyone out, now! He is not dead! He is capable of regenerating! We regroup at Site Hotel Bravo!" One of the injured but barely alive Konni soldiers who wasn't a part of OG Makarov's Inner Circle tried to stop Makarov from leaving by reaching for a handgun, but was then promptly shot by the Ultranationalist.
As the original trilogy Makarov got away in a helicopter, the last thing he said before the flight to base was, "С нами бог."
(God is with us.)
I definitely am talking a lot of shit about Call of Duty as a whole with these couple of chapters… but I also felt like it'd be funny if 2023 Makarov was killed by 2009 Makarov, who was definitely the better villain and a much better terrorist.
Also, Cell is definitely still alive.