Olivia turned the car off before leaning her head back on the headrest. She needed to take a moment to prepare for whatever potential disaster waited for her in the apartment in front of her.
She rolled her head to the side. Noah had fallen asleep in the passenger seat only minutes into the drive to Elliot's place. He had been a good sport about being yanked from his bed in the middle of the night. She hadn't gone into any sort of explicit detail, but he knew Lizzie needed her, and he was happy to help in his own small way.
She inhaled slowly and unbuckled her seatbelt before shaking Noah's shoulder gently. "Noah, baby, come on." He didn't budge. "I'm sorry, baby, but you gotta get up. We're here."
He let out a groan of protest and turned in the seat away from her. The kid probably forgot he was sleeping upright in the front seat of her car.
She shook his shoulder a little more firmly. "I know you're tired, but we're here. Let's get inside, and then you can go back to sleep."
He grumbled some more before sleepily pressing the release button on his seatbelt. He reached for the door while Olivia grabbed his backpack and her overnight bag.
They made their way down the short walk to Elliot's garden gate, Noah slowly slogging behind. It wasn't that he was upset about being yanked out of bed to help with Liz; it was more that he was a teenage boy who had been yanked out of bed at all.
Elliot must have heard her fiddling with the gate because his sliding glass door pushed open, and he stepped out. He wore only a white undershirt with heathered gray sweats and bare feet. The weight of the past few days had left him looking more visibly ragged.
He approached and reached for Noah's backpack she had half slung over her shoulder. "Let me take this." He glanced in Noah's direction. "And let's get him back to bed."
She nodded in silent agreement while Noah mumbled something unintelligible.
"Come on, kid." Elliot tilted his head toward the door and began leading the way into his apartment.
Elliot hadn't bothered turning on the lights, so the dim lights beneath his cabinets guided them toward the hallway.
As they approached, she caught the sound of shaky breathing behind one of the doors. She stopped, knowing Lizzie sat behind that door.
Elliot turned at the sound of her slowing footsteps. "I'll get him settled. Go ahead."
"Okay," she breathed out. Elliot guided Noah further down the hall to where she knew Eli's room had been. She knocked softly. "Lizzie?" She kept her voice quiet so as not to startle her. "It's Liv."
"Come in," a wavering voice said in return.
Olivia wasn't at all surprised by the scene that greeted her. Liz sat on the floor near the wall with her knees pulled tightly into her chest. "Sorry," she began to apologize. "I know… I should have let you sleep. I'm sorry."
Olivia moved in Liz's direction, keeping her steps light. "You know I don't mind." Olivia began reassuring her. "You are not, and never have been, a problem." Olivia glanced at the small space next to Liz on the floor. "Mind if I sit?"
Lizzie wiped at her nose with the back of her hand and nodded with a sniffle. "Yeah, of course."
Olivia lowered herself to the floor and pulled her knees up in a similar fashion to Lizzie. She waited, wanting Liz to guide whatever conversation followed.
Liz took a couple of moments to gather herself before finally speaking. "I remembered, well, I think," she shook her head. "Sorry." She swallowed deeply. "I remember something. I mean, maybe it could just be my imagination or maybe a dream, but I think, I think I remember a voice. One of them. I think."
Olivia dropped a hand onto Lizzie's arm in an attempt to reassure her. "Take your time."
"It might be nothing…"
Olivia immediately began shaking her head. "Don't do that. Don't doubt the memory. Trust yourself." She paused and took a slow breath in synchronicity with Liz. "What do you remember?"
Her shoulders began trembling. "Just the voice. Not a face or anything, but, uh, I think… I think I could recognize it if I heard it again."
Olivia nodded. "That's good, Lizzie. Really good." She paused. "Do you remember what the man said?" She knew a voice ID would be significantly better if she remembered the exact words spoken.
Tears leaked from the corners of Liz's eyes. She pinched them shut and let out a slow breath. "One was talking to the other guy. He said, um, he told the other guy to hurry up. He said, "Someone's gonna hear something."" She shook her head. "I should have screamed. I should have fought harder, but I just felt…frozen."
Olivia took a breath and readied herself to share more of her story. Everything inside of her screamed to let the monster stay buried, but the absolutely devastated look of self-blame on Lizzie's face pushed her onward.
She found herself staring at the variegated tones of the hardwood floor. "They always tell you your body goes into 'fight, flight, or freeze"." She shook her head, eyes remaining on the floor. "For my entire life I've been a fighter. Hell, sometimes I fight even when I don't need to." She sighed. "It's just my nature. My training, you know?" Lizzie didn't reply, so Olivia continued. "I've been in more life-and-death situations than I can count." She swallowed the bile rising in her throat. "It wasn't even the first time." Her stomach churned, but she powered through. "It wasn't the first time a man tried to overpower me, uh, hurt me, you know." She leaned her head back, resting it against the wall behind her. "But that time…that time I froze. Everything inside me screamed to do something, but my body wouldn't move. It was like I was outside of myself yelling instructions on what I should do, but my body wouldn't move."
"That's how it was for me," Liz whispered. "I knew what to do, but I just…"
"Froze," Olivia finished for her.
"Yeah."
"It's a normal response to trauma, and I promise blaming yourself doesn't make things any better. It doesn't change what happened."
"I can't help it," Lizzie admitted.
"I know." Olivia really did know. "It will take some time, but eventually…It doesn't make sense, but you will be able to love your life. You will be able to let that feeling of responsibility go."
Tears leaked from Liz's eyes. "How long?"
Olivia sighed. "I don't know. It's different for everyone. Therapy will help. You've got people who love you. It will take time, but it gets better."
Liz wiped her nose with the back of her hand and sniffled. "Do you still have nightmares?"
Olivia closed her eyes. "Sometimes. Not as often as I used to. Sometimes something happens, something at work, and I'm triggered. Sometimes it's something stupid. The smell of someone's cologne, or if someone looks like him from behind." She lifted her head away from the wall. "Stupid things like that trigger me, and I just know it's going to be a bad night."
"What do you do? You know, when you know it's going to be a bad night?" The hope in Lizzie's voice was heartbreaking.
Olivia wished she had good advice, healthy advice, but Liz deserved truth from her. Even the maladaptive, unhealthy kind of truth.
"I'm probably not the best person to ask. I usually work. It's probably not the best solution, but I just…I can't let myself sleep."
"What about Noah?"
"He's used to my crazy schedule, but if I have to be home, then I'll watch TV or something. I just…" Olivia shrugged her shoulders. "Try to stay awake until I'm sure he won't be there when I shut my eyes."
A beat of silence passed between them before Liz let out a sputtered laugh.
Olivia couldn't help but join in the contagious laughter. "What?" She asked in faux exasperation.
Lizzie caught her breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. "It's just so funny. You are the worst person to ask about it. Like damn, Liv! You just don't sleep for five days."
"Hey!" Olivia complained playfully. "You asked! I never said it was a good idea, just that it was the way I deal with it."
Lizzie let out another soft laugh before leaning her head against the wall. "I guess it's something to talk to my therapist about because I'm not going to spend my life avoiding sleep for days at a time."
"It's insane. I know it is. It gives me a strange sense of control, but yeah, you are probably better off learning some better coping mechanisms."
Lizzie reached for Olivia's hand and squeezed it gently. "Maybe…" she hesitated."You don't have to, but maybe you could learn some stuff too. I mean, maybe you are okay with, you know, being a sleepless zombie, but if you want, I can help you too. I guess what I mean is I can tell you what I learn and, I don't know, maybe it can help you too."
Olivia felt unbidden emotion rising in her chest. She swallowed it back before responding. "I'd like that. I'd like that a lot."
-000-
Elliot wasn't sure what he should do with himself once he got Noah settled. It took all of two seconds to guide Noah towards Eli's old bed. Noah crashed immediately, leaving Elliot standing in the hallway, unsure what he should do with himself.
Olivia left the door half open so he could easily hear the voices coming from the bedroom floor. He thought about camping out in the hallway. Maybe he would wait until the right time, or until he was needed or something. He almost immediately rejected the idea. Liz wanted Olivia. Not him. He wasn't bitter or anything, but if Lizzie wanted to talk to Olivia, he thought he should give them some space.
He retreated to the dimly lit kitchen, glancing around for anything to do to occupy his hands. There wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that he would fall asleep, and he wasn't about to lie in bed staring at the slow circling of his ceiling fan.
The dishwasher appeared to have finished its cycle, so he opened the door and waited for the steam to clear before meticulously emptying its contents. That only took a few minutes, so he anxiously sprayed down the counters with all-purpose spray for the second time that evening. He wiped the counters, pausing to pick at a small speck of food that had cemented itself to the counter. Once that was done, he eyed the hallway, but there was no sign of movement. He sighed and stood in front of the fridge. He was deciding between pulling a water bottle from the fridge or a stronger drink from the liquor cabinet when he heard a hallway door shut.
The sound of socked feet on hardwood caught his attention, and he looked up just as Liv emerged from the darkened hallway.
Without a word, he moved towards the couch, and she followed suit. They met at the ottoman. He sat first, tugging her hand as he went down. She followed his lead, scooting herself closer when she sat. He dropped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in a little more snugly.
For a while they sat in silence. His hand rhythmically combed through the ends of her hair while he enjoyed her warm body pressed tightly into his side.
"She going to be alright? I mean for tonight?" He finally asked, his voice a low rumble.
Olivia nodded. "Yeah. She doesn't want to sleep alone. I told her I'd sleep on the other side of the bed after I came out here and talked to you."
His fingers continued to brush through the ends of her hair while he tempered his disappointment. He felt a little guilty that he wanted Olivia sleeping in his bed when his daughter clearly needed her much more.
As if reading his thoughts, he felt her reach for his hand, intertwining their fingers. Her head rested on his shoulder. "I told her to give me a few minutes so we could talk, but what I really wanted was this."
He pressed a kiss onto the crown of her head, relishing the scent of her shampoo. After a moment he felt compelled to ask, "Are you okay?"
She nodded. "Mostly. She asked me when the nightmares stop." Her hold on his hand tightened.
He swallowed nervously, unsure he wanted to know the answer, but asking anyway. "What did you tell her?"
"The truth." She shifted her weight so her head rested more easily on his shoulder. "I told her that it still happens when I'm triggered, but it's not as often as it used to be."
The familiar remorse gripped his heart while he tried to remind himself that he wasn't responsible for the nightmares. Still, he couldn't help wishing he had been there to banish the monster himself. He dropped his arm so it was now wound tightly around her waist. He pulled her even closer so she was nearly sitting on his lap. She tilted her head up, giving him perfect access to her lips. He kissed her slowly and didn't push for more than that kiss. When he withdrew, his eyes remained closed. Her forehead dropped into the hollow of his neck as he tucked her head beneath his chin.
"Will you call me?" He asked out of the blue.
She pulled back so she could see his eyes. "What?"
"When it happens… when you don't want to go to sleep, will you call me?"
She bit her lip nervously, and he thought she might say no. After all, Olivia Benson always wanted to prove that she didn't need anyone.
"Please?" He was practically pleading. "I wasn't there for you then, but please, please, let me be here for you now." He pressed his cheek gently against hers while he waited on her response.
He knew it made her uncomfortable. He knew it pushed her outside what she felt safe. He wasn't just asking for a call, and he knew it. He was asking her to trust him, to call him, to want him when her world was falling apart. He was asking for all of her. He wanted everything.
After what felt like a painful eternity, she finally answered in a whispered voice. "Okay," her voice wavered with insecurity. She swallowed, and with more conviction, she added, "I can do that."