Chapter 5: The Pain of Memory

The following morning, Squall searched for Lukas and found him out on the Garden's balcony. Lukas was standing at the railing, gazing out over the fields of Balamb.

Squall approached him, "Luka."

Lukas turned to see Squall. "Oh. Hey, Squall."

"You okay?" Squall leaned on the railing.

Lukas shook his head.

"Yeah." Squall and Lukas looked back at the plains. "Yeah, I can't blame you."

Lukas looked at the sky. "Remember… after you guys beat Ultimecia, that next year after I became a SeeD, when Esthar revealed they solved the GF memory issue?"

"Yeah?" Squall asked.

"I went to Esthar the first chance I got. It was one of the reasons I left the Garden for a while in the first place. I had the procedure done." Lukas paused for a moment. "I… didn't get one memory back. Not before I washed ashore on Balamb. After that… I wandered for a while. That's why I didn't come back right away, either. I… just didn't know who I was. At the time, to me, that meant that I… didn't know who I was supposed to be."

"I'm sorry."

"But now this…" Lukas ran his hand over his deadlocks. "Man! I remember. All of it!"

Squall stared at him, concernedly.

"I remember my parents. Every birthday party, every time my dad would make some small toy for me, every cake and cookie my mom baked! I remember Tifa and Cloud! I remember my entire life there! Living in Junon then moving to Nibelheim, a small mountain town in the middle of nowhere. I remember my life being happy… until that day it all burned away."

"I'm really sorry, Luka. I can't imagine what you're dealing with."

Lukas looked at him. "Am I being selfish? Talking about this? I know you and everyone else has their own… issues with their pasts. So… am I? I can stop talking now, if you—"

"Stop," Squall ordered. "This is not about us. This is about you. You lost everything. Even more than any of us did. Don't you dare apologize for having the soul enough to feel… sad or angry about it. I'm glad you're venting. Proves you're still you."

Lukas sadly looked at the ground, "Thanks."

"Our pasts our messy. That's a fact. But at least… we kinda know the reasons for ours. You didn't get that courtesy, Luka. Don't worry about us. Process this how you need to. We got your back."

"Thanks for that. I don't mean just during this. But all the time."

Squall nodded. He studied Lukas for another moment then confessed, sincerely, "If I had the power to give everything back you, Luka, I would. Your life back, with your friends."

Lukas scoffed. "Then I wouldn't know you and the others."

Squall chuckled. "A catch-22."

"Yep."

Squall took a deep breath and exhaled. "You sure you wanna see your old home?"

"I have to," Lukas answered. "I need to see it. Even if it's for the last time."

"From how Cloud and Tifa were talking… this won't go well."

"I know. I still have to go."

Squall nodded. "I understand. Like I said, we got your back. No matter what you need."

Lukas sighed. "You'll have to see me… being really awkward and emotional during this. I mean more than I've been already."

"Do you know how much more I'd rather deal with your emotions than Zell's? Or Irvine's? Or Selphie's? Or Rinoa's?"

"Rinoa's your girlfriend," Lukas chuckled.

Squall just stared at Lukas. "I stand by my statement."

Lukas's laughter was immediate.

Squall smiled. "The Lukas laugh. You're still you."

Lukas sobered. "I hope so. I hope I'm not… secretly a jerk."

"Even if you are, I'm positive you still won't be worse than me," Squall reassured.

"You know you're a jerk?"

"I'm more self-aware than people think I am."

Lukas laughed again.

After flying back to the Centra Ruins, both teams crossed through the portal to Gaia. Arriving on Gaia, the SeeD team looked around, almost amazed.

"Wow," Rinoa scanned the sky. "It's really not all that different from our planet."

"We're on another world," Quistis breathed out. "We're really on another world." She looked at Lukas, "Your home."

"Yeah." Lukas whispered, almost mesmerized. "It… I really do remember now."

"This is so crazy!" Zell shook his head. "Like… this is another planet!"

"Yes, Zell, we got it," Squall rolled his eyes.

"Oh, c'mon, Squall! You have to give me this! You can't tell me this isn't insane!"

Squall held his stance but soon relented, "Alright, fine! This is crazy."

"Thank you!"

Selphie looked at the Shera and fell in awe. "Now, that's a cool ship!"

Cid chuckled. "Yup! That's the Shera. She's named after my wife."

Selphie squealed. "That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard!"

Yuffie and Cid laughed. Vincent smiled a bit.

Barret took note of Vincent's smile. "You better get used to hearing that squeal in stereo."

"Worst things could happen," Vincent countered.

The teams boarded the Shera and traveled toward Nibelheim. The flight was mostly full of conversation as the teams continued to get acquainted. Quistis, Tifa, Cloud, and Squall eventually noticed how Lukas was silently and stoically staring out of the windows of the Shera's bridge. The closer they got to Nibelheim, the more frozen Lukas became. Lukas's memory of his home world all came back, but he had never seen it from this viewpoint. The closer they got to Nibelheim, Lukas immediately recognized the area, and his emotions were beginning to go into overdrive, despite his face remaining neutral.

Once they were near a landing point, Cid announced, "We're here."

Lukas maintained his silence.

The Shera landed and teams disembarked, making the rest of their way on foot towards the mountain town. After a few minutes, they arrived.

Since Shinra's fall from power, the actors had long since abandoned Nibelheim, making it even more of a ghost town than it already had been. Seeing Nibelheim awakened more inside of Lukas than he expected. Pain, sorrow, and some rage. That rage was increasing by the second since Lukas could clearly tell how Shinra attempted to replace the destruction that happened here. The town was wrong. Not even completely, but Lukas felt the deceptiveness of it all. Knowing this wasn't the same place he grew up in, Lukas was doing everything he could to hold himself together. Not an easy task.

Cloud and Tifa examined the town, taking it all again. "Why does this feel so much more depressing now?" Tifa breathed out.

"'Cause Lukas is alive," Cloud answered, solemnly. "Just one more reminder of who else lost everything here."

Everyone noticed how Lukas was gazing down the street that led to his former house.

Cloud stepped forward. "Lukas."

Lukas looked at him.

"It… it won't be the same."

Lukas looked back at the street. "I know." He walked on.

After Lukas had disappeared down the street for a couple of minutes, Squall took note of Quistis's apprehensive stance. He figured now was as good a time as any to bring up an important subject.

"Quistis," Squall said.

Quistis turned toward him.

"Go with him," Squall motioned toward the direction Lukas headed. "Talk to him. He needs someone who… cares about him. A lot."

Quistis nodded, hesitantly.

"And, while you're at it, you could just admit you're into the poor guy," Irvine shrugged. "Which is basically what Squall is saying, anyway. It'll probably help Luka's mood to you know you like him as much as he likes you. Which, I guess, is also what Squall's saying."

"Pretty much, yeah," Squall admitted with a shrug. He looked at Irvine, "I mean it when I say this, thanks for pointing that out."

"My pleasure."

Quistis glared, irritably, at Irvine.

Irvine stared, dryly, back at Quistis. "Really? Literally, all of us know."

Her eyes wide, Quistis froze then slowly looked at the others.

Selphie sucked in air through her teeth, nervously. "Sorry, Quisty. But… Irvine's right."

"Even we can tell," Cid added.

"Been kinda obvious," Yuffie shrugged.

"For, like, a long time!" Zell declared.

"It was kinda obvious for us from the moment we met you guys," Barrett added.

"I mean, of course, I knew," Rinoa said. "We've had this conversation a hundred times."

"Rinoa!" Quistis gritted through her teeth.

"What? It's out there now! What's the point of keeping it secret anymore?"

"Honestly, Quisty, that's part of the reason why I knew," Selphie admitted. "You two tend to clam up when I come around and Luka's in viewing distance. Then you either won't tell me what you were talking about or you make it up on the spot. I just put two and two together. That, and, like, all the other stuff we've seen between you and Luka for, like, ever!"

"Then there was the party," Zell reminded.

"Yeah, that cemented it," Irvine nodded. "With like another layer of cement."

"I knew it from the look on your face after I hugged him," Tifa added.

"Same," Cloud agreed.

"Or when I held his hands to talk to the Lifestream," Aerith said, shyly.

"That's when I knew, too," Zack agreed.

"And the rest of us knew it 'cause there ain't one thing you do that don't get his attention," Cid informed. "And vice versa."

"Yeah, your face tends to turn red when all he does is look in your direction," Yuffie pointed, causing Vincent and Red to nod in agreement. "In your defense, happens to me, too, with Vincent, like, all the time, so, I get it."

"And, hell, I knew before either of you did," Squall concluded.

At this point, Quistis's entire face was a bright shade of red as she stood frozen. She took a deep breath, "Well!" She exhaled. "This is the single, most embarrassing moment of my entire life!"

"Ah!" Yuffie waved her off, "Ya get used to it, blondie! This wouldn't even make my top ten." She laughed.

"It really wouldn't," Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Red, and Cid all said, simultaneously.

Yuffie sobered, immediately, glaring at them all, "Okay, that was unnecessary!"

"Don't worry about it, Quis!" Rinoa sneered, "Look at our friend group. You could've done so much worse."

"I don't know who should be the most offended by that," Squall mused.

Rinoa held her sneer. "Take a wild guess."

Squall gave Rinoa a dry stare.

Rinoa laughed then looked back at Quistis, "We're about to be in a serious mess. Better talk to him now. He needs it. So do you."

"His house is over there," Tifa pointed. "I'll take you."

"I'll tag along," Cid volunteered. "Help watch out for the youngsters."

"I wanna check out the mansion again," Cloud informed. "Vincent, Yuffie, Barret, Red, come with me. Aerith and Zack, you, too."

"You got it, pal," Zack nodded.

"I'll go with you guys," Squall said to Cloud. He looked at his fellow SeeDs, "Go with Tifa and Cid, make sure Luka's okay. And do not tease Quistis and Luka… without me there to watch."

"One day, you're gonna admit you're as bad as we are," Selphie smiled.

"Maybe, but it sure as hell ain't today."

"I'll go with Squall." Rinoa nudged Selphie, "Tell me what happens."

"I got you, girl!" Selphie grinned.

"Rinoa!" Squall groaned, rolling his eyes. He looked at Cloud, "Let's go."

Tifa led the others toward Lukas's house. When they arrived, they found the front door open, confirming Lukas was inside. Tifa examined the house and let out a disgusted sigh. "Dammit."

"What's wrong?" Quistis asked.

"It's the first time I noticed… the paint's wrong. So are the windows. They rebuilt his house wrong. Shinra bastards didn't replace it with the right house."

"Did they do that a lot?" Zell asked.

"Coin toss," Tifa answered. "Just never realized it was… this wrong."

"I mean…" Irvine sighed. "I can't imagine how much that sucks. Not even your house can be the same."

"Yeah." Tifa looked at Quistis. "If he reacts… badly… please, don't take it personally. Me and Cloud had to deal with this. It's…" She swallowed. "…it's not easy."

"I understand. Believe me." Quistis sighed. "I just want… to be there for him."

"That's what he needs the most."

Quistis looked at everyone, "Wish me luck."

"Ain't gonna need it," Cid smiled.

Quistis nodded and headed inside.

Quistis walked into the house and found Lukas standing, motionlessly, in the middle of the room. She couldn't even tell if he was breathing. She wasn't even sure he heard her walk in. His gaze was fixed on a wall of framed photographs, just over two dozen pictures depicting a happy family. Even from where she was standing, Quistis could tell none of the photos were of Lukas and his family.

Quistis closed the door and walked closer to him. "Lukas…" she whispered.

"These are all fake," Lukas declared.

Quistis stopped.

"All of these…" Lukas reached up and pulled a picture down. "This whole damn house. All of it. Shinra… erased my family from this place. My mom… my dad. Acted like… like they were never here! Putting this… illusion in its place!" He threw the picture on the ground, destroying the frame. "Like I haven't lost enough!" He started grabbing picture frames off the wall and throwing them against another wall, causing the glass to shatter, "LIKE I HAVEN'T LOST ENOUGH! THEY TOOK EVERYTHING ELSE AWAY FROM ME! THEY TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! BASTARDS!"

Quistis just watched him in sorrow.

Hearing the commotion inside, Selphie, Zell, and Irvine looked at each other, nervously. Tifa stood, stoically and sorrowfully, as she stared at the house, and Cid exhaled smoke from a cigarette.

"Poor kid," Cid whispered.

"Yeah," Tifa sighed. She wiped a tear off her cheek.

Selphie turned to Tifa, "Should we…"

"No. Trust me. I know exactly what he's going through. He needs to let it out."

"I don't wanna sound selfish but will Quistis be okay?" Irvine asked.

"Not selfish at all," Tifa reassured. "But I promise, she's fine. He won't hurt her. He just… needs to be angry. Trust me. The anger is immediate." She stared at the house. "The tears come next. And they don't really stop."

Lukas hurled the last picture, only to find there was nothing left to unleash his rage on. He looked at Quistis, then regretfully looked away. He struggled to calm down and catch his breath. He mostly regained normal control of his breath. "Quistis…" he exhaled, "I'm… sorry."

"Don't be," Quistis replied, calmly. "I get it. I mean… I can't get it. Because… I can't imagine this. If I had gone through… what you've gone through… I have no idea what I would be like if this happened to me."

Lukas exhaled and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall he ripped the pictures from. "You'd handle it better than me. You're really strong, Quistis."

Quistis smiled and sat next to him, "Thanks. But don't give me too much credit. If all of this happened to me… I'd breakdown, too. Don't feel bad about it, Lukas. It's natural. You have every right to be angry."

"I acted like a child with a temper tantrum."

"You acted like a man who had his whole life unjustly and unexplainedly taken from him. There's nothing wrong with being angry. Honestly, I'd be far more worried if you didn't react this way. That would mean you're bottling it up. That's not good. This isn't a bad thing, Lukas. You have every good and valid reason to be as angry as you are. But that doesn't mean you're less of a person or even a bad person. Look at what you just did. You just erupted… then you apologized to me. You didn't say anything wrong or hurtful to me. You're just mad. That's okay." She placed her hand on his. "It's okay, Lukas. You're allowed to be hurt."

Lukas looked at Quistis and gave the best smile he could manage. "Thanks."

Quistis smiled back.

He uttered a soft chuckle. "Have you ever realized… you're the only one at the Garden who calls me 'Lukas'?"

"I… figured as much. Calling you 'Luka' just never felt… natural to me, so I stuck with 'Lukas'. Do… you want me to stop?"

"No, I… I've always liked the way you say it."

"Oh." Quistis moved awkwardly. "Okay."

Lukas looked around some more. "I remember now. The day Sephiroth came. The day he attacked. I remember Tifa. I… remember seeing Zack. Cloud was here. He was dressed in a grunt SOLDIER uniform. But… he didn't want to see Tifa, but I figured out it was him. He asked me not to tell her. I didn't." He leaned his head back. "I remember… before that. When… we moved here from Junon. Me… and my parents. I remember playing with Tifa. I remember talking with Cloud sometimes. He was… such an outcast from the rest of the town. Really quiet but he was still cool." He chuckled, softly, "Maybe being friends with him is why I get along so well with Squall." The smile from the chuckle slowly fell away. He stared back at Quistis. "This is my home, Quistis. I… finally found it."

"You did."

"And I still lost it. I… was never going to get it back. No matter what I did."

Quistis put her hand on his shoulder.

Lukas looked at her and gave her a sad smile. She gave him a reassuring smile back.

Lukas studied the house then exhaled. "This isn't my house. But this is my world. My old home and my new home are being threatened. I have to save them both."

"We can do it," Quistis declared. "Together."

Lukas stared at her. "So… since the past couple of days have already been filled with impossible things that have showed me how things change in any moment. There's… something I really need to get off my chest. Is… can I say it?"

"Of course."

"It's… super embarrassing… and probably… really… inappropriate, given what's going on."

She shrugged, "Mm. Tell me anyway."

He took a deep breath, "Okay." He sighed. "I'm… I love you, Quistis. I've… been in love with you for a long time. I just never told you because… I always felt like such an outsider, and we've been really good friends for…" He sighed. "I just didn't want to tell you something like that when it took me forever just to ask you out. Maybe a bit of a cowardly way of doing this. I'm sorry. I completely screwed this up. I never wanted to tell you like this. But… I really did want to tell you. I just… want you to know. So… you'll never wonder if… I was just…" He let out another sigh. He looked away, staring out of a window. "I know that sounds weird, but… I just had to tell you."

"Weird." Quistis smiled, "Hm. Weird. Ya know what's weird?"

"What?"

"I love you, too."

Lukas blinked. He looked back at her, only to get lost in her smile and the look in her eyes.

Quistis blushed. "I've been… fighting it for a long time. Because… well, relationships never worked out for me. I didn't want to fall into the trap of… imagining you were attracted to me, just because I was falling for you. But… honestly? I knew you were. I knew you had feelings for me. Usually, I'm always wrong about that kind of thing, but… it's… been different with you."

"Like… like how?"

"Being myself… isn't awkward around you. You don't… get annoyed with me. You don't feel like… you're inferior to me or superior. You… just care. You care enough to listen."

"You've always been easy to talk to," Lukas replied.

"Same to you," Quistis replied.

Lukas stared at her for a while, making sure all of this was happening. "You're… you're serious?"

"Yeah. I am." Quistis moved closer. "I've always seen the heart you possess, Lukas. It got me a while back."

"You've had me for a while." Lukas leaned closer to her.

"Prove it," Quistis whispered.

Their lips met. The kiss was small but lasted for a handful of seconds. They separated and looked at each other. Then went back for more. After one last kiss, they stared at each other.

"Oh, Hyne, that was worth the wait!" Quistis admitted, trying to catch her breath.

"Couldn't agree more," Lukas exhaled. He sighed. "I'm… Quistis, this is gonna be hard for me for a while."

"I know."

"I just… I hope that you don't mind dealing with me while I go through this."

"You do remember who our friends are, right?"

Quistis and Lukas laughed, lightly.

"I mean it, Lukas," Quistis insisted. "We're going to get through this." She took hold of his hand. "Together. I promise."

"Thanks," Lukas replied. "That… it really does mean everything to me… to know you'll stick by me."

"Always."

In the Shinra Mansion, the group made their way down to the basement. Somehow, the place seemed even more desolate than ever before.

Rinoa took note of the condition of the mansion. "Hey, Cloud?" she asked. "Not to question you or anything, but this is place looks like it should've been condemned when Luka used to live here."

"You're not wrong, Rinoa," Vincent agreed.

"Soooo… what are we looking for?"

"There might be something here that explains some things," Cloud answered. "I'm hoping, anyway."

The group entered the basement library, and Cloud, Zack, and Vincent paused for a moment, taking in their surroundings.

Zack sighed, ruefully. "Jeez… the memories here."

"Are you alright, Zack?" Aerith asked.

"Yeah. It's just…" Zack scratched the back of his head. "…just…"

"Lukas isn't the only one dealing with reliving the past?" Squall asked.

"Exactly," Zack confirmed.

They searched the room, looking through certain books. Cloud was only scanning the book names, pulling certain books out, flipping through pages, and tossing the other books aside.

After a few minutes, Vincent and Red approached Cloud. "Nothing seems to be here, Cloud," Vincent noted. "Nothing different anyway."

Cloud exhaled, "Nope."

"Feels like no one else has even been here in some time," Red observed.

"Yeah, I think you're right." Cloud tossed the last book and, with Red and Vincent, walked back to where the others had gathered. "I just thought we'd find something. Maybe… Hojo knew about something like this being possible."

"Maybe we're looking in the wrong place," Barret suggested.

"Where else is there to look?" Yuffie asked.

Aerith thought for a moment. "We need to go the Forgotten Capital."

"Okay, shifting gears. Can you handle that?"

Aerith pondered for a moment. "Yes. I have to. We have to know what Yildrim wants and… I want to help Lukas. I think we can get more answers for him there. Plus… I won't ask him to take risks I won't take myself."

"'Preciate that," Squall said, causing Aerith to smile.

Cloud nodded. "Okay. But… tomorrow. We need to go back to Edge. Rest up and talk to Reeve." He looked at Squall, "That okay?"

"Yeah," Squall replied. "I think pushing Luka too far this fast… might not be a good idea in the long run."

"Yeah, I gotta agree," Rinoa concurred.

"No argument from me," Cloud said. "Let's get the others."

After leaving the mansion, the group met outside Lukas's faux family home. Tifa looked and saw Cloud and the others approach, "Hey."

"Hey," Cloud greeted.

"Any luck?" Cid asked.

"Nope," Yuffie sighed.

"If Hojo knew anything about a possibility like this," Vincent said, "it wasn't anything glaringly obvious."

"Would he have hidden something?" Zell asked.

"First thing Hojo was, without question, was a narcissist," Zack explained. "If he knew something about other worlds and ways to get there, like what happened to Lukas, it would be clear as day. His ego wouldn't let it be hidden."

"I mean, it might," Aerith said. "But I agree with Zack, and I don't think it would be in this case. If Hojo found a way to other worlds, he would brag about it."

"Got it," Zell nodded.

"What about Lukas?" Cloud asked.

At that moment, the door opened. Lukas and Quistis exited, while holding hands.

Selphie gasped and smiled as wide as possible.

"YES!" Rinoa jumped and threw a triumphant fist.

"Awesome!" Zell and Irvine declared, excitedly.

Cloud and Tifa couldn't help but smile, seeing Lukas clearly happy about this development.

"About damn time!" Squall groaned.

Rinoa stopped, "Wow!" She turned to him. "WOW!"

"What?"

"Mood killer much?!"

"Oh, whatever!" Squall rolled his eyes.

Tifa approached Lukas and Quistis, "Soooo…"

"I'm still a mess," Lukas admitted. "But…" He looked at Quistis and smiled, "not… as bad as I was."

Quistis smiled back, "Happy to help."

Lukas held his smile then looked at Cloud, "What's the plan?"

"We're headed back to Edge for now," Cloud answered. "This is enough for the day."

"Edge?"

"Midgar was nearly destroyed a couple of years ago by Meteor," Tifa explained. "Edge was built just outside of the city."

"Meteor?" Lukas leaned his head to the side.

"Oh my God, we have so much to catch you up on!" Tifa slapped her hand to her forehead.

Lukas chuckled, softly, then considered what he just learned. "Wow. Midgar… gone. I need to hear that whole story."

"It's a doozy," Cid sighed.

"So, Edge," Irvine blinked. "So, it was built… on the… edge… of Midgar?" Zell and Selphie laughed.

"Irvine, I swear to Hyne, I'm gonna kill you!" Squall threatened as he walked away, causing Irvine to laugh.

World of Gaia. Gongaga Area.

The energy sphere materialized with gravity disruption of the immediate area and crackling electricity.

After a few moments, Evangeline emerged from the portal. She looked around, in shock and awe at the reality of standing on another world. But she quickly sobered when she looked back at the portal as it closed.

From now on, she was alone. She sighed and looked at the sky, seeing the ribbons.

"No," Evangeline whispered. "He's already begun." She pulled a crystal from her pocket, aiming it in different directions before its shine intensified when she pointed it north. "I must find him." She began making her way north.