Everything's alright.
I woke up to see the curtains still drawn and sunlight outlining part of the window, and I was slowly waking up, my mind still blurry with the effects of a deep sleep.
There wasn't anything to worry about though,
Why you might ask? Well I could feel her arms holding me firmly but gently at the same time and I could feel the soft warmth of her breath on the back of my neck, inhaling and exhaling steadily.
She was here with me and everything was alright.
Esdeath.
Hell I never said my own name very much since I had hardly anyone to say it to… but this person, Esdeath, she had the name I spoke more often than I think I've ever said my own. My lips hadn't really uttered my own name that much in my life if I'm being honest here.
The things we did the previous night were a nice memory to have in my mind, just lingering there in my mind... just knowing what happened.
I'd come this far, gotten to this place, I was an adult now and I had something special, the seniority that came with getting older and with it getting to enjoy all the privileges I'd waited for so long for. I always hated being a teenager but now after a couple years into my twenties I was feeling better than ever and I couldn't believe I was here, doing this with someone.
With her, of all people.
She did things to me the previous night I'd never even thought about in my life, at least that I never would've naturally thought about. She performed acts on me, did many things to me that I can only describe as incredibly beautiful. It is something isn't it?
It's truly amazing what one human can do to another, of course, there are many terrible things that one can do to another, but in an act of kindness someone can certainly do something beautiful, and comforting.
And she had quite the appetite, heh.. makes me blush just thinking of her, she was such a goofball, she liked action, danger, liked to eat with a taste for chocolate of all things, and on top of all that she was quite the romantic too… she had a huge appetite for romance.
Back to where we were, I didn't want to move, I was exactly where I was meant to be, in her presence, in her arms, this is where I've always been headed, what I was destined for.
It was a wonderful feeling, knowing that I've waited for this moment all my life. I'd lived all these years to end up in a bed being cuddled by Esdeath.
My friend.
Esdeath… she had done so much for me I had a hard time understanding it myself… why me.
Even before we shared our first time together she explained to me, told me why she wanted to do this with me.
She let her heart out in the most beautiful, sincere way possible, letting her feelings gush out of her heart, holding my hands firmly, she told me her feelings for me, and how she wanted to express those feelings for me.
I was hesitant, not that I didn't think she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life. I did think that, I mean hell she was the most beautiful person I've ever known and I don't think that's just a matter of opinion.
And it wasn't that I doubted her sincerity either..
I was hesitant about the whole situation, the whole ethics of it, my honor, my heart as well.
Guarding my heart was a huge priority for me because like many folks, I'd been swindled before, a few times actually- I had met several girls my age, several of whom I'd caught feelings for but it never led anywhere, it was always the same old sour ending with them ending up not wanting me, going dark and cold on me.
I mean sure, I count myself lucky that most of them were decently kind and let me down gently, (I'd yet to experience a very cruel rejection, although cutting me off was admittedly hurtful, and not very kind) so I reasoned I was lucky.
So yes, even if there was a spark at first, time and circumstance never seemed to allow it and I felt hurt after being led on a couple of times even.. I felt unlovable.
I wasn't used to relationships, truthfully I had never had one. Most of the folks my age had and that didn't make me feel any better about it.. but I wasn't sharpened enough, I was well on my way to maturity still and wasn't ready for that, I was a late bloomer I thought.
A lot of girls my age weren't very mature anyway I had come to realize so I wasn't interested in that. Drama, fighting, gossiping... immaturity got you nowhere with me.
All things considered, I reasoned I was at least somewhat good looking because from my early teenage years I'd had several girls approach me surprisingly, I seemed to have incredible luck with girls but I never was interested in romance at that point in my life, I was angry all the time back then since I hated school, I mean who didn't?
But despite the hardships growing up, having great luck then stale luck later on it seemed like I was waiting for something, or someone rather, I wasn't sure I just kept on waiting.. waiting for someone special in my life to find me, I figured someone upstairs was watching over me, or at least I hoped that was the case.
But if there ever was evidence of a higher power, Esdeath was it.
Talk about someone going cold and dark on me- Esdeth was a huge improvement, she was my ice queen. Literally.
How's that for you? All those other girls were no match for my ice queen. Haha, that was smooth, yeah?
Esdeath was the best revenge as fate likes irony.
And before I forget, um… it's an embarrassing thing to remember but all the girls I'd got feelings for in the past already had a guy… and most of the time I was led on, then let down.
So I was sad but also felt real bad about it all.. like I was intruding on someone's personal life if that makes sense?
But not with her. With her I was exactly where I was meant to be.
Exactly where I was wanted.
Esdeath was something else. Even after all the past failed attempts at romance I did wanna guard my heart, but with her- after getting to know her just for a bit, I felt no desire to.
I didn't feel it was necessary.
Sure, you'd think it would absolutely be necessary with someone like her, I mean she was a little over six feet tall without her boots, as well as having… sadistic tendencies, and she was a general as well, and all the things I'd heard about her being strict and demanding and even a hothead, you'd naturally think I'd need to keep myself safe from her wrath.
It was all you'd hear people talk about; Esdeath's wrath.
But she truthfully wasn't that bad, in fact she wasn't bad at all in my eyes, I never felt she ever meant me any harm despite every single nerve in my body telling me she was sinister in every sense, my heart felt no fear.
True I'd never seen her before in my life, at least not before that one faithful day, but after just knowing her for a short spell I felt we were the same. I felt like we thought in the same way on some level, and she comforted me without even trying, even after putting a chain around me like she did that one time… I felt shocked and humiliated in the moment because I'd just met her but after being around her I didn't feel any ill feelings from her even though I had every reason to.
I just knew.
She was only teasing me.
Which brings me back to how we were together, and my feelings about the morality of what had happened.
She was very sweet in how she told me, and she was adamant she was so full of this funny feeling because her heart was gushing with warm feelings of love and affection for me, and she just wanted to express her feelings for me more than anything.
I believed her, and I still do. She didn't do the things she did with me out of lust or anything else, she truly wanted to express her feelings to me, she told me… and it was an honor.
It wasn't casual, it wasn't something you could find at a dive bar or other such places, what she did was true and honest in every way possible.
I could tell by the way she teared up while holding me, touching me, embracing me with her long slender arms, and every act performed she was so overjoyed she nearly cried her heart out.
The feelings she had she expressed to me, through acts both gentle and pure to acts which were shocking, and jarring to the moral compass so much so that I couldn't believe they were happening, such a person as her doing this to me and allowing me her body like she did.
The acts she did were in and of themselves deeply loving, and I could feel in my heart she was expressing her feelings for me this way, so genuinely, so deeply loving.
It wasn't lust.
And after she finished, she hugged me so tight, so much I started to feel tears welling up in my eyes but not from her crushing strength but because of her feelings for me, my heart sang with joy and warmth, I couldn't break my arms free from her embrace to embrace her back, so I had to let her know and she eased up and I wrapped my arms around her as well and we shared the most loving embrace I think two humans ever felt.
Esdeath would hold me very tight but I came to realize that when she did she never hurt me, she was sure to never hurt me.
I remember even the first day we'd met, all the things she did to me including putting the collar around my neck and yanking me with the chain and even hitting the back of my neck... none of it actually ever hurt.
She was always gentle with me even if I didn't realize in the moment.
Oh Esdeath.
She towered over me a little bit even as we sat on the bed after we had finished, she had to stoop forward while I had to look up at her to wrap my arms around the neck of her tall figure.
She was so pale she reminded me of a ghost, so pale, her skin was white like chalk, and her hair..
Ohhh, her hair. I loved her hair. It was so blue, so long, and so pretty.
Honest to god, one of my favorite things ever in the whole world was playing with her pretty blue hair.
It was a light icy blue and so were her eyebrows, I did wonder why that was.. it made her mysterious in a way.
Her eyes were the same blue, so inviting and so comforting to stare into.
Sigh…
Her face, sh- she was hotter than any human being I'd ever laid eyes on. And that's an understatement…
I never got used to her good looks. Each time I saw her face it made my heart scream and holler with excitement.
Esdeath… she.. I- I'm afraid my hands will tremble so much I won't be able to write this anymore if I keep thinking about her so vividly!
Sigh.. well that goes to show how strong an effect she has on me, I'm smiling as I write this just thinking of her, Esdeath.
My Esdeath.
But for the time being, right now, in that bed we laid in it was just the two of us. Just us there and she was holding me like I said, her breath at my neck.
She was a quiet sleeper, she didn't snore or make any kind of noise except the soft sound of her respiration, and if I was close enough such as having my head against her chest I could hear the sound of her strong heart.
Each beat of her heart was music to my ears. God I loved that sound, hearing the beat of a heart that wasn't my own and the sound of breathing that wasn't mine either, it helped remind me I wasn't alone.
Esdeath.
Please don't let this be a dream.