3 AM.
Burning, bloodshot eyes stared through heavy eyelids at the blinding display of the illuminated phone, the current time reflected back at the sapphire orbs in bold, mocking lines, a deep frown pulling painfully at the corners of the restless girl's lips. Groaning deeply in her chest, Luka listlessly dropped her phone onto her bed with a dull thump, her whole body feeling heavy and lethargic, too weak to hold the device aloft any longer.
It was 3 AM.
Without the light of her phone's screen, the stifling darkness enveloping her room swallowed the sleepless pinkette up once more, the inky blackness crawling like slithering tendrils over her body as they pressed uncomfortably against her chest, leaving her struggling for air. Grasping her sheets tightly, fingers burning from exertion, Luka took a couple of shuddering breaths to try and quell the rising anxiousness in her chest.
'It's 3 AM. I shouldn't bother her.' Rolling to her side, limbs numb and useless splayed haphazardly across her mattress, Luka's sapphire orbs flittered toward her phone, the rectangular device's silhouette barely visible amongst the rolling hills of bunched up sheets and discarded clothes. Slamming her eyes shut, Luka tried to force herself to sleep once more, to keep herself from making another mistake, but her mind would not grant the pink-haired girl her rest.
Despite the high of the previous day, the memories of her and Miku's time together a wondrous blessing in her mind, one usually fraught with nothing but agony, Luka found herself in an all too familiar spot. Sleep evaded her like the fleeting sun during a thunderstorm, worries and fears invading her head like a festering virus, slowly poisoning whatever shreds of happiness Luka managed to scrounge up over the last day.
While her mind was flooded with constant thoughts of her and Miku, of their fledgling relationship, one that nary had time to bloom before Luka's head decided to spread salt over the once barren earth of her blossoming happiness, the pinkette's body had betrayed her just as quickly as her head. In the simplest terms, Luka was stuck, chained to her bed like a violent patient, her limbs struggling against invisible restraints, leaving her effectively bedridden.
So all she could do was think. Luka hated thinking. Thinking led to worrying, which invariably led to pain. Luka was so tired, so extremely tired. Tired of thinking, tired of pain, tired of having everything devolve back into a cancerous pile of sorrow and hopelessness.
Why? Why couldn't her mind just leave her be? She had been, was!, happy! Miku…Miku liked her too. Why couldn't it just be left at that? Things were getting better, there was hope, the fading light at the end of the tunnel burning just the tiniest bit brighter. She finally had a chance.
Then why? Why did it all feel so unreal? Like some kind of extended fantasy sequence, one full of indescribable joy and unimaginable love, mere moments before the final shoe dropped and the facade came crashing down. No matter how much she told herself that this was real, that, yes, something good was actually happening in her life, Luka couldn't reconcile the thought of Miku wanting to be with her as reality.
What if she regretted it, that during the time they were separated, when the turbulent events of the day finally settled, Miku finally noticed that all of this was a mistake? What if come the morning, once Miku wakes, Luka will be alone once again? Luka had to believe in her, believe that Miku wasn't so cruel, that her feelings and words were genuine. The social recluse tried to hold on to those thoughts, to the sweet memory of Miku cuddling lovingly into her side as they absentmindedly watched TV, to not let her mind tumble ever further downward.
As her thoughts continued to spiral, fruitless optimism and overwhelming melancholy waging battle in her head, Luka's fingers floated over the cool glass of her phone, curling tightly around it before lifting it up to her face, the burning light illuminating her tired features for what had to be the hundredth time that night. Fingers gliding over the screen in a practiced motion, the soft click of her phone unlocking filled the stifling silence enveloping the room, the familiar sight of Miku's name on Line practically taunting her.
Luka stared at the name for what felt like ages, her fingers burning painfully as she gripped her phone tightly, her thumb hovering just over the adorable icon of Miku smiling brightly with some playful scribbles resembling swirls covering her eyes. Her eyes hurt, the shine from her screen making them itch horribly, but Luka couldn't keep her gaze from Miku's contact info.
Luka waited, hoping, praying for some kind of message to pop up, that Miku would somehow sense her tumultuous thoughts, that she will swoop in as she has done so often and save her from herself. But, as she continued to stare at the pop idol's name, torn between waiting and sending one her herself, nothing came, the pinkette's gaze briefly wandering over to the time illuminated in the corner of her screen.
It was 3:47 AM.
Of course. Of course, Miku wouldn't be messaging her so late. Why would she? She was probably just sleeping. Miku had a life outside of her, one that required, needed, rest and relaxation, that she couldn't spend every moment of her day wondering if Luka needed her. But, she did. She did need her. And Luka hated it. She wanted to be stronger, to stand on her own, to tear the rotting flesh of her past self away and finally heal.
Feeling that fear, that tidal wave of doubt and self-hatred overwhelming her frail mind, flooding her chest with rising bile of anxiousness, Luka quickly typed out a frantic message to the twin-tailed idol before she had a chance to stop herself. With the soft ping of her message being sent, Luka's mind briefly snapped out of her spiral to register just what she had done, sapphire orbs growing wide in horror and disbelief.
Why did she do that?! How stupid….how fucking stupid was she?! How could she bother her at such a time about something so incredibly trivial?! Dropping her phone, Luka slapped her hands over her face, a silent scream passing her lips as her chest clenched painfully. Why was she still doing stuff like this? Why can't she just handle these things on her own?!
Why couldn't she just be normal?
A sudden, exuberant ping, one that echoed like a firework in her ears, caused Luka's whole body to freeze up, her wide eyes slowly shifting to look at the glowing screen of her phone in quiet shock. Luka could only stare at her phone in quiet bewilderment, a single name illuminated upon the screen before it fell dark, covering the pinkette in shadows once more. But Luka wasn't phased by the darkness, all of her thoughts and fears frozen in place as she continued to stare at her phone, trembling fingers slowly reaching out for it.
'It couldn't be.' Luka thought as her fingers clutched the edges of her phone tightly, her thumb sliding almost mechanically across the screen, sapphire orbs reading the message over and over in stunned silence. 'Why?'
'He i, kwut ie !'
Miku's words were clumsy and misspelled, clearly from bleary-eyed exhaustion, but they still hit the pinkette like a violent punch to the gut. Shame, confusion, and the smallest flutter of joy radiated from within Luka's chest, the familiar painful prick of tears stinging the corner of her eyes as she read over Miku's simple message, again and again, the timestamp in the corner reminding her of just how late it was.
And yet, Miku still responded.
'I'm sorry for waking you.' Luka quickly apologized, her fingers feeling cold and numb as she typed out her message, her heart jumping into her throat when another response from Miku arrived within seconds of sending her text.
'It's ok! Really!' Miku reassured quickly, Luka shaking her head lightly as she imagined the pop idol's caring smile behind her words, unable to believe how patient and understanding one person could be. 'Are you ok?'
'I'm sorry, it's nothing.' She tried to shrug off Miku's question as quickly as possible, to not add any more undue weight upon her newly christened girlfriends shoulders, but Luka sent a quick follow up message, biting her lip as she typed out her next words, torn between guilt and being open with her feelings as she had promised herself. 'I can't sleep. My head is full of noise and it's keeping me awake. I'm sorry.'
'I said it's ok, silly.' Miku responded with a cutesy sticker of herself, the cartoony version of the pop idol holding her arms out for a hug, earning a soft, choked laugh from the social recluse. 'You are never a bother, ok? I'm glad you messaged me! I'd rather hear from you in the middle of the night than worry that you might be hurting.'
A couple of silent tears rolled down Luka's cheeks as she looked over her girlfriend's message, her previous fears feeling stupid and pointless as she read it over and over again, a small, almost imperceptible smile curled on her lips. Giggling softly, a hiccuping laugh passing her lips as she wiped away the stray tears, only for more to take their place, Luka smiled brightly as another message popped up on her screen.
'You can always talk to me. No matter what the time is, I will always answer as soon as I can. I won't leave you alone, not if I can help it.'
Tears, ones filled with unbridled joy, cascaded down her face as Luka typed out her next message, deleting and rewriting it over and over again as she tried to find the perfect words to convey how grateful she was and how much Miku's words, how much Miku herself, meant to her. Hovering over the send button, reading over her message one last time, Luka swiftly deleted the whole thing.
A simple message was not enough. A whole book's worth of words could not hope to properly express just what the pop idol has done for her. Pressing the microphone button in the corner of her screen, Luka took in a deep shuddering breath, her fears and worries melting away as she pictured Miku's face before holding the down the record button.
Bundled up beneath her covers, a thick comforter expertly hiding her small body from view, Miku's eyes lit up as another message from her pink-haired girlfriend popped up on her screen, the pop idol quirking a curious eyebrow when she noticed that it's a voice message. Pressing the play button with barely restrained excitement, Miku felt an elated and loving smile curl on her lips as she heard Luka's voice, so soft and raspy, yet full of emotion, drift from her phone.
"I love you."
Pressing her face into her pillow, letting out a delighted squeal of immense joy, Miku quickly popped back out of the fluffy softness as she quickly sent back a voice message of her own, her heart hammering excitedly in her chest.
"I love you too."
Plopping onto her back, pulling the blankets tightly over her chest, Miku snuggled comfortably into her bed, closing her eyes as she quietly waited for another response from Luka. But that message never arrived, as back in her room, soft breaths passing her lips, Luka slept soundly, her mind free from worries as the pair of young lovers dreamt of entwining bands of pink and teal.
For once, the heat of the sun was seen as a gentle reprieve for the social recluse as the city saw an unnatural cold front pass through it, the thin layer of goosebumps on her bare legs proof enough of that. While her hoodie was doing its job admirably, the stiff wind blowing between the buildings being thoroughly thwarted by its cocooning warmth, her shorts, on the other hand, left her pale legs mostly open to the elements, staining the skin a soft pink.
But, despite the icy wind, Luka pushed on, her legs, partially numb from the cold, dragging her lethargic body forward and toward the shopping district. There was something Luka needed to do, pushing herself past her own comfort zone and into the bustling streets of the city, the sound of pedestrians and vehicles a noisy accompaniment to the music pouring from her headphones. Keeping her gaze lowered, the multitude of shoes passing her from all angles making her heart constrict with nervous tension, Luka pulled her hood further over her head as she continued onward through the sea of people.
Despite a mostly restless night, one that left her thoroughly exhausted by the time she woke up around noon, Luka had found the courage to pull herself out of bed and head out into the city. Luka was motivated by one simple desire, one strong enough to push down all of her fears and head out into the frightening unknown of the shopping district, something that she felt was a dire necessity.
Luka wanted to get a present for Miku.
The idea seemed foolish at first, their relationship being a scant 24 hours old by this point, but Luka wanted to do this. She had lain in bed for ages, staring holes into the ceiling as she wracked her brain for a way to properly thank the twin-tailed idol for everything she has done. From their fledgling friendship to their budding romance, Miku had changed Luka's life in immeasurable ways, providing her a sense of love and belonging she hadn't felt in years, a cure to poison in her mind.
Luka wanted her to know just how happy she made her and how special she was.
That's how Luka found herself here, the flowery English text above the doorway a strange mystery to her as glittering pinpricks of light reflected off of countless lines of jewelry, casting little rainbow trails against her skin. A Jewellery Store. Luka could think of nothing better to represent the glowing spark Miku brought to her life than this.
Grasping the wallet in her pocket tight, one filled to the brim with her unused allowance, the social recluse having amassed a decent amount of money during her time of seclusion, Luka took a nervous step over the threshold and into the store. While her mother had cut her off quite some time ago, seeing no reason to provide for a child that couldn't go out and socialize, to use their allowance to form bonds with fellow students, Luka never truly found a reason to spend her money. All of her time spent locked away from the world, trapped within her head in a cage of her own making, the money lay forgotten at the bottom of her schoolbag.
In some way, it could be seen as a minor blessing, her time of isolation providing her the necessary funds for this moment.
"Welcome!" Jumping at the exuberant greeting from the store's clerk, a young woman with tidy shoulder-length black hair, a pleasant smile curling on her lips, bowed respectfully to the frazzled pinkette. "Feel free to peruse our wares at your own leisure. I'll be here if you need anything."
Mumbling what she hoped was a friendly greeting in return, Luka slowly removed her headphones from her ears, feeling it would be rude and out of place in such a high-end establishment. At least, Luka thought it was. It surely was fancier than the couple of convenience stores or produce vendors she'd usually visit. Everything seemed to give off a glorious light, the glass display cases polished to a mirror sheen, the various pieces of jewelry neatly arranged and meticulously cared for.
Rings and necklaces, earrings and even tiaras could be found in the various cases filling the showroom floor, so many options to choose from that they made the social recluse's head spin. Staring at the seemingly endless sea of choices, one glorious piece of jewelry after the other, Luka could feel her throat tighten as anxiety began rising in her chest.
Which one was the right one for Miku? What if she messed up and got her something she didn't like, let alone hated? Did Miku even like jewelry? Was Luka just too vain in thinking she'd like something like this, something so materialistic? She couldn't choose! There were too many choices! Too many! Too many!
"Do you need help finding anything specific?" Ripped out of her tumbling spiral, a soft gasp passed Luka's lips as she lifted her head in surprise, the beaming face of the store clerk looking back at her with a gentle, caring smile. "I'd gladly help you find anything you are looking for."
Her first instinct was to say no, to put as much distance between herself and this woman, to not burden her with such a trivial matter. But, peering out from beneath her hood, sapphire orbs nervously finding the clerk's kind gaze, Luka softly nodded her head in affirmation. She needed help. She had to push past her fear of others, of asking for help, even if it was something simple as trying to find the perfect present for someone else. Luka wanted to be better.
For Miku.
"Are you looking for something for another girl?" Noting the younger girl's nervousness, seeing the way her eyes failed to stay on her own for long, the jewelry clerk tried to speak in as calm a tone as possible, gently coaxing the pinkette with simple questions in hope of finding what she was looking for. "We have a large assortment of earrings and accessories that make fine gifts."
She had been in such a position herself at one point, practically afraid of the world, so she could relate to how much stress and worry this pink-haired girl must be going through. So she was patient with her, carefully listening to her as she stumbled through her sentences and keeping a comfortable distance between herself and the pinkette, her gentle smile never leaving her face. The world can be a scary place, and other humans even more so, so she wanted to give the girl as much comfort as she could give her.
Because sometimes, a bit of kindness can go a long way.
Passing another row of displays, guided gently by the clerk's suggestions, Luka's eyes grew wide as they gazed upon a gorgeous, silver barrette inlaid with beautiful sapphires. Luka couldn't stop staring at them, the way they glowed so beautifully in the light, how deep and gorgeous the colors were, like a never-ending pool, one you could drown in and feel its gentle caress envelop you.
They reminded her of Miku's eyes.
"I…I'd like that one." Gulping nervously, swallowing the lump in her throat, Luka pointed toward the gorgeous barrette, the clerk giving her an exuberant smile before quickly rushing behind the counter, catching the pinkette slightly off guard. With the utmost of care, the clerk went about wrapping and packaging the barrette, placing the item in a discreet paper bag, to keep it a surprise, before ringing it up with a giddy chirp.
Watching the numbers pop up on the screen, Luka breathed a quiet sigh of relief as she pulled out her wallet, handing over the correct set of bills to the friendly clerk. She had just enough saved up to afford the present. Taking the bag with a small nod and quiet thank you, Luka hurriedly made her way toward the exit, the pinkette coming to a stop by the door, her hand resting gently upon the handle.
"Thank you for your help." Turning her head, her cheeks stained a soft pink, Luka's words came out quiet and nervous, but the clerk heard them all the same, her lips quirking upwards into a friendly smile.
"It was my pleasure." Bowing gently toward her, the clerk softly waved farewell to the pink-haired girl, her voice bright and cheerful as she spoke. "I hope whoever receives the present loves it."
Clutching the bag tightly to her chest, the paper crinkling softly in her ear, Luka gave the store clerk a bright smile, her sapphire orbs glowing with hopeful joy and love.
"I hope so too."
Luckily, if Luka could call it that, she didn't have to wait long to find out, because as soon as the social recluse found herself back at home, the present gently placed upon her bedside table, her phone received a message. Miku, who else could it have been, with bright exuberance, something she managed to get across even in text form, informed her that she'd be available for a couple of hours the next day to hang out before a talk show appearance that evening.
Staring at the present, wrapped in a simple paper bag, thinking about giving it to Miku, Luka quickly agreed to meet up, the pair swapping messages for several hours until both fell into restful slumbers, excitedly awaiting the next day. Though one of them was filled with just the slightest bit of worry.
Throughout their day together, one filled with just as much joy as Luka now associated with merely being in Miku's presence, this inkling of worry had grown into an imposing creature of fear and doubt. Fiddling with the present in her pocket, Luka slowly pulled her hands out, wrapping her arms tightly around her midsection as she cursed her cowardice.
"This show is going to be loads of fun." Miku cheered as she playfully bounced at Luka's side, the twin-tailed idol grinning as she rattled off the list of celebrities who will be appearing on the show with her, happily sipped on her vegetable juice, her eyes sparkling with exuberance and excitement. Her eyes. Her beautiful eyes.
Inhaling a shuddering breath, pushing her hands back into her pockets, fingers wrapping tightly over the paper bag, Luka came to a sudden stop, long pink strands of hair blowing gently in the breeze as she stared at the ground. Turning back to face her girlfriend, Miku slowly removed the bottle of vegetable juice from her lips, a curious and worried expression appearing on the pop idol's face.
"Luka? Everything ok?" Swallowing heavily, fingers trembling, but not from the cold, Luka pulled at every last reserve of courage she had and quickly removed the present from her pocket, thrusting it almost violently in Miku's direction.
"Is that…for me?" Blinking in surprise, a dark blush colored Miku's cheeks as Luka simply nodded her head in response, a soft hue of pink staining her own face. Stepping forward, Miku gently took the offered present from Luka's hands, the pinkette quickly placing them back into her pockets, her whole body shaking with nervousness and just the barest hint of excitement.
Looking over the package with a curious gaze, turning it over in her hands, finding no name or logo, Miku eagerly dug into the bag, her eyes perking up as her fingers found something small and metallic at the bottom. Pulling whatever it was out, making sure to be as careful as possible despite her excitement, Miku's eyes lit up with immeasurable joy when she laid eyes upon the gorgeous piece of jewelry.
"Luka!" Squealing with excitement, hopping from foot to foot in an impromptu dance of happiness, Miku unexpectedly jumped into Luka's arms, the pinkette letting out a squawk of surprise, a crimson blush covering her cheeks as the twin-tailed idol peppered her face with kisses. "Oh my god! It's so beautiful! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
Pressing one last lingering kiss upon the pinkette's lips, savoring the moment of closeness for all it was worth, Miku suddenly pulled away from her flustered girlfriend, the excited idol holding the barrette up to the sky, admiring the glow of the sapphires beneath the suns rays.
"They remind me of your eyes." Feeling her heart skip a beat a Miku's words, ones that reflected perfectly her own thoughts when seeing it, Luka shyly averted her gaze, the barest hint of a smile appearing on her face. Was feeling so much happiness normal?
"Do…do you like it?" Slapping her hands over her face, Luka immediately regretted that question, feeling stupid for even asking it. Wasn't Miku's reaction obvious enough? She kissed you for god's sake! Feeling something gentle pry her hands away, Luka stared into the beautiful, glowing blue eyes of her beloved girlfriend.
"I love it!" Miku beamed as she held the gift to her chest, a loving smile curling on her lips, her heart beating loudly in her chest with love for the sweet, pink-haired girl standing before her. "I'll always treasure it."
"And our final guest for the night, with millions of album sales and countless sold-out shows already under her belt, we are excited to welcome her on our show for the second time! Please give a warm welcome to Hatsune! Miku!"
Smiling with excitement as she listened to the presenter introduce Miku, curled comfortably on the living room couch, Luka couldn't help but clap along as she eagerly awaited her girlfriend's appearance on screen. Her mother was working late once again, her uneven schedule meaning she was often out of the house during various times of the day, so Luka decided to watch Miku's appearance live, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn't get any needling questions or disapproving stares from the elder Megurine.
Stepping out from behind the show's artificial set, arms waving excitedly to the crowd, dressed in a stunningly gorgeous silver dress, Miku practically bounced up onto the podium, greeting the host with an enthusiastic cheer, her features glowing beneath the studio lights. She was a true star among stars.
But, all the glitz and glamour, all the bright lights and beauty fell away in Luka's head, silent tears pooling in the corner of her eyes, a smile, brimming with love and happiness, spreading over her lips as she stared at her resplendent girlfriend lighting up the screen. Placing her head in her hands, small, giggling hiccups jumping out of her chest, Luka sobbed loudly and freely, the smile on her face never faltering as her tears mixed with joyful laughter.
Miku was wearing the barrette she got her.
A/N: Gestures of love come in all sizes.
This chapter was a demonstration of Luka's fears, being consumed by them as well as pushing past them, with the help of Miku and for her sake. Luka will lean on Miku for a while as she tries to find her own footing, using her for support and motivation until she can find the strength and drive to walk on her own, hopefully with Miku at her side.
Next chapter: Introspection
Thank you to everyone who has read and supported this story so far. It truly means a lot and I hope to keep bringing you more chapters in the near future! Have a wonderful and I love you!