Cold.
Deep, dreadful, piercing cold enveloped Luka's body, icy daggers scratching roughly against her veins as they radiated throughout her limbs leaving her feeling numb, sapphire orbs staring vacantly into nothing as she watched a pair of delicate lips move but the words being spoken came sounding like a distant, droning hum.
"So…yeah. Because of the travel involved in the tour, I'll be gone for a while. One to two months at least."
Smiling apologetically, crystalline eyes of shining blue awash with regret, her beautiful voice filled with deep, sympathetic sadness, Miku did her best to break the news of her impending nationwide concert tour to her girlfriend as gently as possible. The pop idol knew the news would hit the pink-haired recluse hard, that their relationship, still raw and in a delicate growing phase, was still rife with a sense of need for closeness and mutual assurance of support.
Miku, in essence, was taking that support away.
Lowering her head, pink strands dangling limply in the corners of her vision, Luka felt a deep chill radiate throughout her entire being as her heart plummeted at her girlfriend's news, her traitorous mind snaking its insidious tendrils around every thought, every hope, every memory before squeezing and choking them until only a withered husk of rotted fear remained. She would be left alone, abandoned, and deserted with her own thoughts, the rotten, pus-filled recesses of her mind bubbling up as it infected her mind. The strength Luka had built up in their time together, all the hurt she had managed to heal, even just a fraction, feeling weak and fragile, abandoned to the elements as the torrent of doubts and fears buffeting the wall she had built with a ferocious tenacity chipped away at it bit by bit.
Will she be able to withstand it all on her own?
A soft, comforting warmth, familiar and pleasant, a soothing balm that calmed her restless mind, gently rested upon Luka's cheek, delicate fingers gliding through waves of pink as they chased away the darkness. Guiding her head downward, gently and carefully, a soft, rosy blush colored Luka's cheeks as Miku placed a delicate, loving kiss upon her forehead, the icy chill in her heart giving way to a soothing warmth.
"Everything will be ok." Whispering softly, her voice soft and tender, Miku gently wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist and held her tight, her body calming under the twin-tailed idol's loving embrace, Luka noticing for the first time that she had been trembling. "I promise to be there for you. Even if I can't respond right away, I promise that I will always do my best to be there as soon as possible."
Resting her chin upon the taller girl's shoulder, lightly nuzzling the pinkette's neck with the tip of her nose, Luka shivering slightly as the cool appendage pressed against the sensitive skin, Miku sighed heavily, a mix between dreamy happiness and aching regret. This was going to be hard for Luka. Miku knew this all too well. Their separation, no matter how fleeting it may seem, would cause the pink-haired recluse a great deal of pain. It may seem vain, even arrogant, to assume her absence would cause another to be struck with anguish and sorrowful longing.
But she knew Luka.
Separation, the feeling of loss, of isolation. These fears, so deeply ingrained into the pink-haired girl's mind, latched onto her soul like a python, slowly choking the life out of her, were something Luka could not shake. Not yet, anyway. She's seen the strides Luka has taken, small as they may be, toward healing, with and without Miku's support and she couldn't be prouder of her sweet Luka-chan.
But trauma such as hers, those insidious thoughts forever trapped within her own mind, a constant stranger in her own head, is not easily overcome, not without help anyway. Luka needed someone to feel safe with, to confide and feel comfortable with, someone who would be there for them whenever they needed it. Miku wanted, wants, to be that for her, to care and love her with all of her heart, because she knows Luka will do the same for her, the social recluse's penchant for love, for unshakable care for others, unbroken by the years of pain and suffering from an internal enemy.
"I love you so much Luka-chan." Miku murmured softly, her voice thick and heavy with emotion, an aching sadness tinging every word, but the love, the adoration she had for the pinkette nevertheless still shone through the pain. "I'll be thinking of you the whole time I'm gone, I promise."
Placing her hand gently upon her girlfriend's cheek, the skin wet to the touch as stray tears rolled down Luka's cheek, Miku smiled sadly as she softly stroked the tender flesh with the pad of her thumb. Leaning in close, her breath mingling with Luka's, Miku placed a soft, delicate kiss upon her girlfriend's lips, the chapped, broken skin growing warm and tender under the loving touch.
"There are still a couple of days until I leave and I want to be with you as much as possible before I go. Would that be ok?" Burying her face into the crook of Luka's neck, the pinkette's arms wrapping tightly around the idol's waist as she held her close, Miku smiled sadly as she felt a small tremble roll through her girlfriend's body as she silently nodded her head. Closing her eyes, tears pricking in the corner of her eyes, Miku silently apologized to her girlfriend for doing this to her.
Holding Miku tight, her grip desperate, anxious, all of her fears and worries, ones she had believed were finally growing silent, flared up in a chorus of screams and shouts in her head when Luka thought about how holding her like this, feeling this warmth, this security, would not be an option for a while. Pressing her face into Miku's shoulder, a shuddering hiccup passed her lips as the twin-tailed idol gently ran her fingers through the long, flowing locks of pink as she softly cooed words of comfort into her ear, Luka was afraid to let go.
"Everything will be ok." Gently pressing her cheek against Luka's, her hand gently petting the pink-haired recluse as she held her tight, Miku felt her heart break with every ragged sob that shook Luka's frame. "I know how strong you are. If you ever need me, you can text or call me anytime, ok?"
Nodding her head, feeling the softness of Miku's skin press up against her own, Luka heaved a shuddering breath as she roughly bit down on her lip to stifle the words that were about to pour out of her mouth. She didn't want to ruin this, to beg, to plead with her to stay, to burden Miku with all of her fears and worries, Luka wanting to enjoy her time with Miku to the fullest before she was gone.
Before she was all alone.
'Seven minutes. That's all they had left.'
Blue eyes, clouded with resigned melancholy, stared dully at the electric signboard above as it signaled the approach of the next train, a heavy weight, like a stone sinking slowly to the bottom of a murky lake, resting painfully in Luka's stomach as the seven ticked down to six. With every second ticking by, every moment that passed, the train was quickly approaching its destination. And with it, it will signal Miku's farewell.
Inhaling a deep breath of stale air, the artificial scents of the subterranean platform intermingling with the icy chill permeating the morning breeze as it managed to snake its way through the twists and turns of the station's labyrinthine corridors, the pink-haired recluse squeezing the hand resting within her own a little tighter. Silently, lovingly, Miku squeezed back, a familiar weight pressing itself comfortably into the pink-haired girl's side, a shock of luminous teal flickering in the corner of her eye.
The subway platform was practically abandoned this early in the morning, save for a sparse sprinkling of retail workers tasked with opening their respective stores, leaving the pair of lovers in a comfortable little world of their own, a space to enjoy what little time together they had left. Because today was the day that Miku embarked on the first leg of her country-wide tour, the pop idol taking the train to the designated meeting spot in Shinjuku to rendezvous with her bandmates, from there they will be taking the bus to their first set of dates before switching to traveling by plane.
Sighing heavily, her breath choked and ragged, Luka gently rested her head atop her girlfriends, the pinkette screwing her eyes shut tight as she tried to rein in her fractured emotions, wanting to enjoy this moment for as long as she could. Silently, as pink and teal embraced each other lovingly, the timer slowly ticked down to five.
Several days had passed since Miku's sudden announcement, the pair having spent every one of them together, both of them desperately wanting to spend as much time together as possible. Cafes, parks, even a couple of shopping trips, the pair tried to preserve every precious minute given to them, Luka even spending another night at Miku's place, the social recluse learning just how cuddly the pop-idol can get as she clung tightly to her while they shared her bed for the first time. In that moment, with the girl she loved so dearly held securely in her arms, the soft breaths passing her lips a soothing balm upon her aching heart, Luka wondered if she was just hurting herself more.
Once that timer reaches zero, and the warmth by her side is gone, will the memory of that night, that moment, become another weapon for her mind to cut her with.
Despite all of that, of her fears and worries, Luka never let it show, the pinkette putting on a brave face as she grit her teeth through the pain, wanting nothing more than to see Miku off with a smile. Miku deserved to feel happy, to experience the excitement and joy of performing, of hearing thousands of people cheering her name with love and adoration, without worry. Luka wanted her to do what she loved most with all of her heart.
And so she bit her tongue until it bled, held back every anguished cry and pained scream while her lungs screamed for air, putting on a smile and giving her everything to make Miku happy, while she herself was being eaten alive by her fears on the inside. Even before making her way to meet up with Miku this morning, as she was preparing to leave, her ghostly reflection staring back at her in the bathroom mirror, Luka expelled the meager contents of her stomach into the sink, the taste of acid stinging her throat as bloodshot eyes brimmed with barely concealed tears.
For days, Luka had let them fester, let her fears tear every part of her to shreds, but Luka never let it show, her love for Miku, for her happiness, was worth every scar that had carved itself into the tattered canvas of her mind. So Luka simply washed her face, put on a brave smile, and left to meet Miku at their usual spot, determined to make her girlfriend's last moments with her a positive one. She had smiled brightly when they met, warmly embracing her girlfriend as she practically leapt into her arms, held her hand tight as they made their way to the station, the only sound coming from the noisy tires of Miku's suitcase as she dragged it behind her.
"It's time for me to go." Blue eyes snapping open wide, panic and fear briefly flashing within the pools of turbulent sapphire, Luka's gaze flew to the signboard above, the time having ticked down to zero, the sound of the approaching train sliding into the station cutting like a knife through the fog clouding the pinkette's thoughts.
Their time together was over.
"I'm really going to miss you." Miku whispered softly, a tiny, sad smile curling on her lips as she pulled the pink-haired recluse in for a hug, gently nuzzling her face into the crook of her girlfriend's neck, her voice, usually so strong and vibrant, feeling so painfully small. Wrapping her arms tight around the smaller girl, her grip desperate and fearful, Luka was afraid to let go, that once she did, once Miku stepped on that train, she would be all alone.
But she had to let go. She couldn't be selfish. Couldn't ask Miku to put everything on hold just for her, that her life, especially her music, was something to cherish and let bloom, not to let it be smothered beneath the mire of disease that was the social recluses fears and worries. And so, with a tremble rolling through her body and a desperate cry smothered in her throat, Luka slowly pulled out of Miku's embrace, the small distance between them soon to grow into a yawning chasm.
"Be strong, Luka-chan." Leaning in for a loving kiss, one full of emotion, of regret, of adoration, a plead for forgiveness, a declaration of undying affection, Miku trying to convey every feeling currently plaguing her heart, one's words would fail to properly speak. Luka simply nodded her head silently, Miku smiling sadly as she leaned in for another quick kiss as the hiss of the train doors opening filled the station, the twin-tailed idol gripping the handle of her suitcase tight, begging time to give her just a few moments more.
More time with her Luka.
Pulling back slowly, painfully, Miku shot her girlfriend one last loving smile before rushing to the train, the twin-tailed tealette spinning around to wave exuberantly at the pink-haired recluse just as the doors closed, separating the pair with a mechanical hiss. Waving back with a gentle smile, her arm feeling leaden and heavy, Luka watched the train pull out of the station, the last glimpse of Miku's vibrant hair fading into the distance until it was completely gone. Lowering her hand back to her side, arm hanging limply, the smile on Luka's lips slowly faded away.
Standing alone in the empty station, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks as they fell silently to the ground below, Luka finally let herself cry.
Clenching down roughly onto her hand, teeth digging painfully into the delicate flesh, Luka let another sorrowful cry tear from her throat, the sound muffled as she bit down harder, trying her best to quell her anguished sobs as to not annoy her mother. Feeling the scream bursting from her chest subside, her lungs burning painfully as they desperately sought air, Luka slowly removed her hand from between her clenched teeth, the skin red and torn, blood slowly bubbling to the surface where she broke the skin.
Dropping her arm to her side, blood smearing small trails of red onto her stark white bed sheets, Luka let out deep, gasping breaths for air as she felt an invisible weight press down painfully on her chest, the skin on her cheeks burning from the deluge of tears rolling down her face. The pale skin, glowing a splotchy pink, was sensitive to the touch as the coarse fabric of her sleeve roughly tried to wipe away the tears.
How pathetic. It had been less than two hours since the pair had separated and already she had completely lost herself in her misery. Clenching her fist tight, the sharp pain coursing through her hand lost in the haze of hate and self-loathing burning in her head as she violently punched herself in the stomach, a rolling sickness flaring up every time she struck down, each one punctuated with a gurgling gasp of agony as she tried to push down her raging emotions, to force herself to feel better.
She had vowed to get better, worked so hard to better herself, to not let these emotions control her life anymore, to finally be someone worthy of love. She had promised Miku that she'd be strong, for her, for herself. Where was that strength now? Why did it disappear the moment she needed it most? How could she possibly be there for Miku when she can't even survive on her own?
Letting her hand drop back to her side, her stomach burning painfully, pale skin growing dark and red, Luka briefly fumbled for her phone before lifting it up to her face, her whole body being tired and worn after her violent outburst of emotions. Tapping lightly on the screen, the oppressive darkness lighting up with the smiling faces of herself and Miku as they posed for a selfie, Luka opened the last message sent to her by the pop-idol, a picture of her with her group in the background, each one of them brimming with excitement for the upcoming tour.
Smiling weakly at her girlfriend's excited grin, the sickness in her stomach ebbing in flowing with her ragged emotions, Luka swiped over to her music app, fingers idly scrolling through the long list of artists until she found a familiar name.
Hatsune Miku.
Grabbing her headphones from her bedside table, placing the buds carefully into her ears as she plugged the jack into her phone, the pink-haired recluse placed her head gently onto her pillow as the gorgeous tones of Miku's voice flooded her being. Clutching her phone tightly to her chest between trembling fingers, tears falling silently from her eyes, Luka tried to hone in on Miku's voice, letting the music, the feelings, and emotions, wash over her, the raging storm within her head beginning to calm as she focused on the lyrics.
Rolling to her side, body weak and sore, her lungs burning painfully in her chest, Luka felt a sense of quiet tranquility blanket her mind, her eyes sliding shut as her palm gently curled over the imaginary hand of Miku's.
Upbeat melodies, contrasted by introspective and oddball lyrics, were accompanied by the off-rhythm scratching of a pencil on paper as Luka sat hunched over her desk, earbuds resting in her ears as one of Miku's songs played on her phone. Luka had been in this position for several hours, multiple pages of her notebook littered with musings and analysis of what she felt the songs meant, how they sounded, and what they personally meant to her, the activity keeping her mind occupied as Miku's voice helped keep her calm.
Time continued to tick on as one song rolled into the next, the pinkette's hand starting to ache, but she continued to write, musings on the songs eventually morphing into fractured and fragmented sentences about her own thoughts and emotions. As her playlist came to an end, the sound of her pencil mindlessly traveling across the page the only sound remaining, Luka for the first time, as messy as the emotions in her mind, was able to capture just what was going on in her head.
As the week grew long, her fears and worries ebbing and rising day to day, Luka filled every page of her journal. Sitting at her desk, mouth hanging open silently, wide eyes read over the words etched onto the paper. As she read over all of her emotions, of her fears and hopes, all of her jumbled thoughts and feelings, put down in words for the first time, Luka felt tears roll down her cheek.
Tears of relief.
Running her fingers along the crinkled pages of her journal, scratched-out words and dried tear marks staining the paper like the scars on her soul, Luka felt lighter than she ever had, the storm in her head feeling clear and calm. Feeling her phone vibrate at her side, the familiar ding piercing through the silence of her room, a bright smile curled on the pinkette's lips as she read Miku's message, the pop-idol informing her that she would have an hour of free time before her next interview.
Looking over at her journal, at the words inscribed upon its pages, Luka quickly sent her a message, asking her if she could call her. Almost instantly her phone began to ring, Luka giggling softly as she saw Miku's name light up her caller display, the pink-haired recluse answering with a soft hello.
"Hi, Luka-chan!" Miku's voice, brimming with excited cheer, warmed Luka's heart, the smile on her lips curling bigger as she lifted her feet onto the chair, her head resting comfortably against her knees as she held the phone tightly to her ear. "Did you want to talk about something?"
Murmuring a soft noise of confirmation, sapphire eyes glanced over at her notebook, Luka told her everything. As Luka spoke about everything she had learned about herself, about what was going on in her head, Miku listened attentively with a proud smile on her lips as she congratulated her on her progress and how proud she was of her.
Grinning happily, hugging her knees tighter, Luka asked the twin-tailed idol about how her tour was going, the pinkette giggling softly as Miku regaled her about all of the exciting and fun things that had happened, her eyes flickering over to a new notebook lying open next to her old one, the beginning parts of a song she was writing placed upon its pages.
A/N: Separated, but not alone.
Luka, through a tough time, has managed to find a part of herself. While their separation had the chance of breaking Luka down further, she managed to find a way through the storm and find respite in the calm.
Next chapter: A long time coming.
Had a little trouble getting this one going, personal life once again keeping a stranglehold on my creativity and motivation, but once I got it going it flowed pretty nicely. Some heavy moments in this one, but we get to see more of Luka's growth. I hope everyone enjoys it!