FUNERAL

Many a tear fell and nose sniffled as the 1-A students gathered around an empty grave.

Aizawa cleared his throat. "We are gathered here today to pay our respects to Mineta Minoru. Classmate. Acquaintance. A human being. Of all the students I ever had, he was certainly one of them. If anyone else would like to say a few words, now you may."

Tsuyu came up. With a ribbit, she said, "He told me once that I looked nice despite the fact I am 'flat as a board' and someone had to be into a tongue that long. Which, I guess, was nice of him."

Kaminari came up next, tears streaming down his face. "I know I'm not the smartest bulb in the… however that phrase goes, but at least I could feel better about myself knowing that Mineta was there. I'll never forget how we bombed tests together, as equals."

"You do realize he was one of the smart ones, right?" Momo asked.

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, he's easily in the top half of the class!" Mina added. "Come on, even I knew that!"

"Et tu, Mina?"

"At least with Mineta around, you were just the dumb one. Now you're the dumb and pervy one."

Kaminari, a broken man, glumly stepped down. Bakugo proudly strode up to the podium. "Mineta was a warrior. A hero. Stricken down before his time by the machine menace. May he continue to fight the good fight in Valhalla and stem the tide of Robo-Ragnarok."

It took half the class dog-piling on him to stop Bakugo from giving Mineta a Viking funeral.

Todoroki came up next. "In honor of Mineta's memory, I donated my dad's life savings to the charity he supported the most."

"Aww, that's pretty wholesome!"

"The Breast Cancer Research Foundation."

"And the wholesomeness is gone."

Aizawa checked his watch. "Time's almost up. Everyone else gets one word."

In rapid succession, the roster said, "I. Think. Mineta. Was. A. Classmate. That. I. Will. Miss. Rest. In. Peace. Mineta. Floccinaucinihilipilification."

Aizawa glared at Izuku. Izuku said, "I only got one word. I got the maximum value out of my word."

With a sigh, Aizawa hit a button. Sad music played as the casket descended into the grave. Shoji shoved a pile of dirt on top and patted it down. Everyone pulled out tissues, wiped off the tastefully applied fake tears and runny makeup, and ripped off the fake suits they wore over their casual clothes.

"Okay, who's ready for pizza?" Mina shouted. Everyone cheered and ran off.

The funeral service staff yanked the dirt off the grave, pulled the casket back out, swapped Mineta's photos for an elderly woman, and called in the next group. Fifty miles down the road, a dump truck backed towards a cliff overlooking the ocean. Suspiciously shaped bags of grass clippings tumbled into the ocean. One bag bobbed to the surface, buoyed by purple spheres. The bag tore open, and Mineta took a big gasp of air.

498

As it happens, the funeral service was called Chateau D'if, and there's a hero school called Monte Cristo.