Chapter 44

Sansa Stark POV

I'm calling Dany today to ask her what she thinks of the trip idea. I'm so excited to plan it, I want to get everyone on board as soon as I can. I just got home from school, Arya has fencing and I didn't have cheer today. I immediately sit on my bed and give Dany a call.

"Hello?" Dany says when she answers. "Sansa, is everything okay?"

Ugh, I hate that she still doesn't think I would call her unless something was wrong. "Yeah, I'm fine," I say. "I just wanted to ask you about something."

"Oh," she says. "What is it?"

"I want take a trip this summer after I graduate," I say. "Probably in June or July. I just wanted you to put it on your radar so I could start planning."

"Oh that sounds like fun," Dany says. "Do you know where you want to go?"

"I don't have a specific place in mind," I say. "But maybe a beach trip would be fun, we just need to find a place to rent."

"Did your parents agree to pay for that?" She asks.

"They agreed to help," I say. "But I'm not sure how much it'll be."

"My aunt actually has a place by the beach," Dany says. "Maybe I can ask her if we can use it."

"Are you sure?" I ask, even though that does sound like something I would definitely be interested in.

"Yeah, she doesn't stay there much anymore," she says. "I'm sure she'd be fine with it."

"That would be very helpful," I say. "Thank you Dany."

"Of course," she says. "Who all would be invited?"

"I was thinking you, Myrcella, Arya, and Margaery."

"Oh," Dany says, sounding surprised. "Margaery too?"

"Yeah," I say. "She's one of my best friends, why wouldn't I invite her?"

"I just thought that might make Arya uncomfortable," she says. "Would it not?"

"I mean, Arya said it might be weird," I say. "But I feel like she can handle it."

"Sansa," Dany says. "You should listen to her, did she really say it would be weird?"

"Well, yeah," I say. "She said it might be, but I'm sure she'll survive."

"That's not very considerate," she says. "Remember when you hated being around Myranda after everything happened with Ramsay?"

"I know," I say. "But you have to admit that Ramsay was a lot worse than Gendry."

"Definitely," Dany says. "But you know Margaery hasn't always been super nice to Arya."

"I just feel like I should get to invite who I want," I say. "People can be civil with each other for a few days."

"I feel like you're not thinking of other people in this situation," Dany says. "I get it's your graduation, but the way other people feel still matters."

I take a deep breath, I don't like being called out like this. I don't think she's wrong, though. Maybe I have been a little too selfish and self-centered lately.

"I'll talk to her about it today," I say. "I'll make sure it's actually okay with her."

"I think that's a good idea," Dany says. "I know you care about her."

"I definitely do," I say. I pause. "How is college and your job going?"

"It's going okay," she says. "Jon and I are busy, but we still find time for each other."

"That's good," I say. "He better be treating you well."

"He is," she says, chuckling. "How are the other siblings?"

"They're good," I say. "Bran is still dating Meera, Arya's been getting closer to her."

"That's good," Dany says. "She seems really sweet."

"Apparently Gendry is seeing someone," I say. "Arya was kind of upset to hear that."

"Oh, did Myrcella tell you that?"

"No," I say. "We stopped by the apartment and he mentioned it, Arya was with us."

"And Gendry just brought it up?" Dany asks.

"Yeah," I say. "He mentioned it to Podrick while we were there."

"That's kind of an asshole thing to do," she says. "Don't you think?"

"Yeah, that's what Margaery said," I say. "I don't know why he had to bring it up to Podrick in that moment."

"Maybe to make Arya jealous," she says. "Even though that doesn't really seem like him."

"Yeah, maybe."

"I should get started on my homework," Dany says. "Let me know how it goes with Arya, I'll let you know what my aunt says about the beach house."

"Sounds good," I say. "Thank you."

"Bye, Sansa." We hang up the phone.

I guess I can see the point Dany is trying to make about Arya, maybe I should talk to her about it and really listen to how she feels this time. I like that Dany's being honest with me and she's not afraid to do that anymore, maybe this is something I actually do need to hear.

I probably haven't been as considerate as I could be, I'm just really trying to prioritize myself after not doing that for so long. Maybe there's a better way to go about it, I definitely care about Arya and the way she feels. I want her to have fun on this trip, too. I don't want to leave things on a bad note with us before I leave for college.

Arya Stark POV

I get home from my fencing practice, and mom starts cooking dinner. I head up to my room, and Sansa is already there. I keep going back and forth on how I feel about her right now. I love her so much, and I know I'll really miss her when she leaves for college. I just feel like she hasn't been very considerate of me lately.

I know she really wants to take this trip to celebrate her graduation, and I want her to be able to. I don't want to keep her from inviting the people she wants to, but I feel like she should understand more why I'm hesitant to go on a trip with Margaery. Maybe she'll eventually see it from my side, I still don't know exactly what I'm going to decide.

I sit on my bed and get my textbook out since I have a math test tomorrow. I'm still not good at math, so I really need to study for it. "Hey," Sansa says as I'm getting my book out. "How was fencing?"

"It was fine," I say. "How was cheer?"

"I didn't have it today," she says. "I thought I told you."

"Oh," I say. I pause because I feel bad for not remembering. "Maybe you did."

There's another pause as I read my textbook. "I talked to Dany today," Sansa eventually says. "She's on board for the trip this summer."

"Oh, really?" I ask, not looking up from my book.

"Yeah," she says. "She said her aunt has a house by the beach that we could probably use, she's going to ask her soon."

"That's awesome," I say. "That would be really cool."

There's another pause, I can feel a sort of tension. "Arya?" Sansa finally asks. I look over at her. "I'm sorry I didn't think about how inviting Margaery to the trip would be awkward for you."

That surprises me, I really didn't think she saw it that way. "Thank you," I say. "What made you realize it?"

"I told Dany I wanted to invite Margaery, and she asked me if that would be okay with you," she says. "I said it was my trip, and she asked how I couldn't see how uncomfortable that might make you."

It kinda sucks that Dany is more considerate than my own sister, but I'm glad at least someone made her see things from my perspective.

"I appreciate that," I say. "I'm not saying you can't invite her, I just know that it would be awkward for me."

"I get that," Sansa says. "She's just one of my closest friends, and it'll be one of my last chances to hang out with everyone before I leave."

"I don't want to keep you from doing that," I say. "I just feel like you haven't been very considerate of me lately." There's a pause, I really didn't mean to just blurt it out like that.

"You really feel that way?" Sansa asks.

"Yeah," I quietly say. "I get that you're graduating and that's exciting and also kinda sad, but I feel like you're not really thinking about how other people feel."

"Why haven't you told me this more?" She asks.

"I feel like I have a little," I say. "And I just didn't want to start a fight and for you to get mad at me."

"I didn't realize it was that big of a deal for you," she says. "I wish you had told me more bluntly sooner."

I'm not convinced she would've handled that well if I had done that, but I don't say that. That's besides the point.

"Maybe I should've," I say. "But I'm telling you now."

She pauses and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way," she says. "I guess I just feel like I've been pleasing other people for so long, and I'm trying to do what makes me feel happy."

"And you definitely should," I say. "I just think it's good to get input from other people, that's a part of life."

"I know," she says. "I'm just really going to miss everyone, and I'm scared that I won't be able to make friends when I get to college."

"I know you will," I say. "Plus, you'll have Dany to help you. I'm the one who won't have any friends after you leave."

"You've been getting closer with Meera right?" Sansa asks.

"Yeah," I say. "But not that close."

"She'll be in high school next year," she says. "You'll be able to hang out with her more then." I honestly didn't think about that.

"I guess you're right," I say. "But I'm still really going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too," she says quickly. "You're my sister, I've never been away from you for a long period of time."

That makes me want to tear up, because it's true. We've leaned on each other way more than either of us have realized until now.

"I love you Sansa," I say. "You're the only one who got me through my breakup with Gendry."

"And you're the only one who got me through my eating disorder stage and I honestly wouldn't have made it through high school without you," she says. "I love you too."

I smile at her and get up to walk over to her bed. I give her a hug, which startles her and she chuckles.

I'm glad Sansa is willing to be more considerate, but I'll probably end up telling her that she can invite Margaery. I want her to have a good graduation trip, and she shouldn't have to avoid inviting certain people because of me. Plus, it's not like I'll really have to see Margaery after she graduates.

I don't want to cause any drama, I only have so much time left with Sansa. It's just one trip, I can handle it. Maybe we can talk shit about Gendry together, she'd understand more of what I went through with him. Maybe it won't be all bad, maybe I can find something positive in the situation.

Jon Snow Stark POV

I haven't been doing well since hearing the news from my dad. I believed him when he told me I wasn't his, but having documented proof of it makes it feel more real. I feel like my whole identity and the person I thought I was has been a lie, because it has been. I've been going to class and work to try to keep my mind off things, but it hasn't really been working.

I just feel like I'm second guessing everything in my life. I get home from work and Dany is on the couch doing some studying. I feel like I should be happier to see her, but it's all just been really hard. She knows what happened, I talked to her about it the same day I talked to my dad. She let me just cry and vent to her.

"Hey," she says. "How was work?"

I give her a hug and sit down next to her. "It was fine," I say. "How was your day?"

"It was good," she says. "I talked to Sansa today."

"About what?"

"She wants to go on a trip to celebrate her graduation," she says. "I told her I would ask my aunt if we could stay in her beach house."

"That's nice of you," I say. "Do you think she'll say yes?"

"I do," I say. "Sansa wants to invite Margaery, though."

"Okay," I say. "So? I mean, that makes sense. Margaery is one of her best friends."

"She also wants to invite Arya," Dany says. "She didn't seem to care that that might be awkward for her since Margaery also dated Gendry."

"Oh," I say. "I guess I see that."

"I convinced her to talk to Arya about it," she says. "She saw how she was being inconsiderate."

"Cool," I say. "Sounds good."

"Are you okay?" Dany asks. "You seem down."

"I've just been thinking a lot about life since my dad told me the news," I say. "I feel like I'm having an identity crisis."

"I can understand that," she says, putting her head on my shoulder. "I'm really sorry, I wish I could take it away."

"I just feel like I'm rethinking everything in my life," I say. "I don't even know where to go from here."

"What do you mean by that?"

I sigh. "I just feel like I don't even know who I am," I say. "It's finally hitting me that everything I was ever told about myself and my identity was a lie."

"I wish I could comfort you more," she says. "I wish I could say it wasn't a lie, but your dad did lie to you a lot."

"I don't know how he could do that," I say. "I know he wanted to protect me, but it scares me how easily lying came to him."

"I understand that," she says. "But I really do think he meant well."

"He did," I say. "He just was willing to harm everyone else in the process."

"I can see how you feel that way," she says. "But I don't think he saw it that way when it was happening."

"He had 20 years to tell the truth, and he never did," I say. "That says something, in my opinion."

"It definitely does," she says. "I'm not discounting that, I just don't want you to cut off contact with your family because you're upset."

"Oh, I won't," I say. "I just… never mind."

"What is it?"

I sigh again. "I just worry I can't be a good boyfriend or husband especially if I don't even know who I am," I say. "How am I supposed to have a relationship and children when my whole identity was a lie?"

"You can't change the past," she says. "But you can create a better future when we do have a family."

"What if they ask about my family?" I ask. "What am I supposed to say?"

"Whatever you want," Dany says. "You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to, you can always say Ned is your dad."

"But then that would make me a liar just like him," I say. "I don't want to be that."

"Why are you thinking about this now?" Dany asks. "This is so far down the road."

"I just feel like I can't be a good partner after all this," I say. "Especially knowing my biological father was abusive."

"I can see why that was hard for you to hear," she says. "But you aren't that, and you never have been."

"What if I turn into that?" I ask. "How can I know unless I meet him and see exactly what to avoid?"

"I'll support you if you decide to meet him," she says. "But I want you to be safe."

"I just… don't know how I can commit to you or anyone," I say. "It feels like everything is falling apart for me."

"So what are you saying?" She asks after a pause. "What is it that you want to do?"

"I don't know," I say. "I just need to really think hard about everything."

"Even about us?"

"About everything," I say. "Just please let me do that."

"Okay," she says. I can see her getting upset. "Are we still together?"

"Of course we are," I say. "I just really need to think about what I want after everything that's happened."

"Alright then," she says. "You were just being really cryptic with your language."

"I know," I say. "Just let me have some time to think."

"Okay," she says, getting up. "I'm going to bed."

She gets ready for bed, and I get into bed with her not long after. We don't cuddle, and we definitely don't do any fooling around. I feel guilty, I can tell Dany's upset with me. She sleeps facing away from me for the night. I hate seeing her hurt, and having caused it is even worse.

I know what I said to Dany sounds bad, and I feel really bad if it scared her. I just feel like I don't even know anything about my own identity, I have no idea what to do. I know I love Dany, but this is all so confusing to me. How can I commit myself to a relationship if I don't even know who I am?

A/N: I promise everything will be okay, even though it's getting rough. Just stay with me!