Common Sense and Sorcerous Ability (Chapter 1 & 2)
(A Warped mashup of Pride and Prejudice and The Romance of Emeli Duboir and Ciaphas Cain, may both Jane Austin and Sandy Mitchell have mercy upon my warp-tainted soul.)
Chapter I.
IT is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good deal of money and power must be in want of a dominatrix.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first dwelling upon a planet, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the those who follow the Dark Prince of Desire, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their progeny.
"My dear Mistress Emile," said her oldest male thrall to her one day, "have you heard that we have a new commissar at last?"
Mistress Emeli replied that she had not.
"But it is," returned he, "for Servant Long has just been here, and he told me all about it."
Mistress Emeli made no answer.
"Do not you want to know who has taken the position?" cried her thrall, impatiently.
"You want to tell me," Mistress Emeli said, "And I have no objection to hearing it, but we must observe the proprieties. I am your mistress, you are my thrall, and you should not deny me the pleasure of torturing the information out of you."
Twenty delightful excruciating minutes later, her thrall confessed, through shrieks of agony, "He came down to see the lodge near St. Trynias!"
Mistress Emeli paused, letting the leather straps slacken.
This was invitation enough. Her thrall babbled on.
"Why, my dear, you must know, Servant Long says that the new Commessar, a young man of large fortune and great authority, from the Imperium, no less; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and and four rough rider escorts to see the forest lodge, and was so much delighted with it that he agreed with Master Morrison immediately; that he is to take possession before Sanguiniamas, and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week!"
"What is his name?"
"Ciaphas Cain."
"Is he married or single?"
"Oh, single, my dear, to be sure! No Commissar of the Imperium can marry. A single man, a powerful man; worth four or five thousand ordinary souls a year. What a fine thing for our girls!"
"How so? How can it affect them?"
"My dear mistress," replied her thrall, "How can you be so tiresome?"
Her eyes widened at the insult, and she took five pleasurable minutes to correct her thrall's address.
"You must know that one of our girls will win his soul and eat his heart. " He squealed. A look of confusion crosses his face. "Or is it win his heart and eat his soul. I can never remember."
"Is slaking his desires his design in settling here?" Mistress Emeli demanded, reflecting that perhaps she should have eaten slightly fewer of her thrall's brains when she bound him to her will.
"Design?" He laughed subserviently. "Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of our girls, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes!"
"I see no occasion for that." She said. "You and the girls may go—or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better; for as you are as handsome as any of them, and Commissar Cain might like you the best of the party."
"My dear, you flatter me." Saids her handless, one-eyed thrall, half man, half twisted flesh eaten by the warp. "I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a man has given birth to three grown-up demons, and raised three hundred and twenty two stepdaughters, he ought to give over thinking of his own handsomeness."
"In such cases, a man has not often much handsomeness to think of." Mistress Emile agreed.
"But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Commissar Cain when he comes into the neighbourhood."
"It is more than I desire to do, I assure you."
"But consider your students!" The thrall was growing passionate again, and she frowned, feeling her own unslaked thirst rising. "Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to go, merely on that account; for in general, you know, they visit no newcomers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to conquer him, if you do not!"
"You are over scrupulous, surely. I dare say Commissar Cain will be very glad to see you, as long as you wear a human face; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his seducing whichever he chooses of the girls—though I must throw in a good word for my little Krystobal."
"I desire you will do no such thing. Krystobal is not a bit better than the others: and I am sure she is not half so handsome as Janine, nor half so good-humoured as Lysandia. But you are always giving her the preference."
"They have none of them much to recommend them," replied she: "they are all silly and inattentive to their magic and arrogant like other girls; but Krystobal has something more of quickness than her sistren."
"Mistress Emeli, how can you abuse your own students in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion on my poor nerves."
"You mistake me, my dear." She purred. "I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have played them like a fiddle these twenty years at least."
"Ah, you do not know what I suffer."
She purred even more. "Of course I don't, for it is yours to suffer and mine to inflict suffering. But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many promising young men worth four thousand souls a year come to the planet"
"It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not visit them."
"Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty," She licked her lips, "I will visit them all."
Emeli Duboir was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of two-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make her thrall understand her character. His mind was less difficult to develop. He was a man-shaped warp entity of mean understanding, little information, and enslaved temper. When he was discontented, he whined. The business of his life was to get his spiritual progeny into their proper station of mistress of their own covens: its solace was masochism and news.
CHAPTER II.
Mistress Emeli was among the earliest of those who waited on Commissar Cain.
She had always intended to visit him, though to the last always assuring her thrall that she should not go; and till the evening after the visit was paid he had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following manner. Observing her most promising student employed in trimming a hat, she suddenly addressed her with,—
"I hope Commissar Cain will like it, Krystobol."
"We are not in a way to know what Commissar Cain likes," said her thrall, resentfully, "since we are not to visit."
"But you forget, Principal Duboir," said Krystobal, "that we shall meet him at the assemblies, and that Servant Long has promised to introduce him."
"I do not believe Servant Long will do any such thing. She has two students of her own. She is a selfish, hypocritical woman, and I have no opinion of her."
"No more have I," said Mistress Emeli; "and I am glad to find that you do not depend on her serving you."
Her thrall deigned not to make any reply; but, unable to contain himself, began scolding one of the students.
"Don't keep coughing, Kitty, for heaven's sake! You would think you worshiped Nurgle. Have a little compassion on my nerves. Tear them to pieces!"
"Kitty has no discretion in her coughs," said Mistress Emeli; "she times them ill."
"I do not cough for my own amusement," replied Kitty, fretfully. "When is your next ball to be, Krystobol?"
"To-morrow fortnight."
"Ay, so it is," cried the thrall, "and Servent Long does not come back till the day before; so, it will be impossible for her to introduce him, for she will not know him herself."
"Then, my dear, you may have the advantage of your friend, and introduce Commissar Cain to her."
"Impossible, Mistress Emeli, impossible, when I am not acquainted with him myself; how can you be so teasing?"
"I honour your circumspection. A fortnight's acquaintance is certainly very little. One cannot know what a man really is by the end of a fortnight. But if we do not venture, somebody else will; and after all, Servant Long and her students must stand their chance; and, therefore, as she will think it an act of kindness, if you decline the office, I will take it on myself."
The girls stared at their principle. The thrall said only, "Nonsense, nonsense!"
"What can be the meaning of that emphatic exclamation?" cried she. "Do you consider the forms of introduction, and the stress that is laid on them, as nonsense? I cannot quite agree with you there. What say you, Maria? For you are a young lady of deep reflection, I know, and read great books, and make extracts."
Maria wished to say something very sensible, but knew not how.
"While Maria is adjusting her ideas," she continued, "let us return to Commissar Cain"
"I am sick of Commissar Cain" cried the thrall.
"I am sorry to hear that; but why did you not tell me so before? If I had known as much this morning, I certainly would not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now."
The astonishment of the ladies was just what she wished—that of the thrall perhaps surpassing the rest; though when the first tumult of avaricious desire was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while.
"How good it was in you, my dear Mistress Emeli! But I knew I should persuade you at last. I was sure you loved your students too well to neglect such an acquaintance. Well, how pleased I am! And it is such a good joke, too, that you should have gone this morning, and never said a word about it till now."
"Now, Kitty, you may cough as much as you choose," said Mistress Duboir; and, as she spoke, she left the room, fatigued with the raptures of her thrall.
"What an excellent principle you have, girls," said the thrall, when the door was shut. "I do not know how you will ever make her amends for her kindness; or me either, for that matter. At our time of life, it is not so pleasant, I can tell you, to be making new acquaintances every day; but for your sakes we would do anything. Lydsandia, my love, though you are the youngest, I dare say Commissar Cain will dance with you at the next ball."
"Oh," said Lysandia, stoutly, "I am not afraid; for though I am the youngest, I'm the tallest."
The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would return Mistress Emeli's visit, and determining when they should have him for dinner.