Author notes- Alright everyone. Things are going to get really dark for a few chapters. Not that this story has ever been sunshine and rainbows but just a heads up. Also, I appreciate those that have continued to read and review. It always makes me smile. Thank you all for being so supportive.
Song inspiration-Spirits-The Strumbellas
Chapter 11
Holes In The Mind
Harry glared at the parchment on the table in front of him. It had been three weeks since he'd met Artemis. He'd been forbidden from interacting with Snape outside of class. Sirius and Remus had been nearly screaming at the man in the hospital wing.
Memory-
"What the Fuck were you thinking!" Remus growled.
Harry kept his eyes mostly closed though it was hard not to flinch at the raised voices. They all thought he was asleep, and he wasn't going to let them know he was awake.
"That he would be fine. Which he is." Snape drawled in that cold calm tone he used in class.
"He was suffering blood loss!" Sirius responded.
Harry closed his eyes. There wasn't anything to see, just Sirius and Remus looking livid, standing at the end of Snapes hospital bed.
"It wasn't life threatening. He would have woken on his own. I would have given us both a blood replenisher and we would have been fine. You're making a bigger deal out of this that it needs to be." Snape answered.
Harry wanted to say something. Defend Snape. He had made the offer. He was glad that he had been able to help Iris. She was just a little girl.
"You were careless with our son's safety." Remus growled.
Remus tone was so low and threatening that Harry could feel the hair on his neck raising.
"I don't want you alone with him again. I won't pull him from your class, but only because Harry clearly enjoys potions, but I don't want you to have any other contact with him. I can't trust you." Remus said firmly.
Harry felt his heart clench.
Snape sighed deeply.
"I understand." Snape said quietly.
Harry felt tears welling behind his eyelids. He needed Snape.
Taking slow deep breaths Harry let the tears slide free and into his hair. He was thankful that the hospital wing was dark. Slipping into his mind he sat against a tree with Akela and cried.
-End memory-
Snape hadn't said a word to him in weeks. His first potions class after, Snape had set a wrapped bundle on the corner of Harry's desk but that had been it. When he'd opened it, he'd realized it was his research that he'd left in the lab. Snape had slipped a scrap of parchment on top that had just said 'I'm sorry'
Harry had nearly burst into tears right in the middle of potions.
He was now in defense which had quickly become his most dreaded class. Hermione and Ron didn't understand, and he was hesitant to explain it to them. Hermione would probably agree with Remus in saying what Snape had done was dangerous, and Ron just wouldn't understand why he was mad that he couldn't spend time with Snape.
"This will be our last assessment before the test on Halloween, at the end of the week." said Sirius from the front of the class.
Harry gritted his teeth. He couldn't care less about an assessment or a test or any of the rest of it. He didn't want to be around Sirius. He'd skipped his first Defense class after Sirius and Remus had said he wasn't to talk to Snape anymore. He'd been on restriction for three days for missing the class. They hadn't even allowed him to go to his additional lessons or teach the DA. He'd shown up to every class after that. He couldn't let his anger get in the way of his responsibility to end the war.
He hadn't participated in Defense class since. Sirius had said he'd get detention if he kept on like this, but he was too angry to do anything today. He also hadn't talked to Remus since. When he had tried to get him to understand his point of view in their first session, Remus had refused to hear Harry out. Harry had just shut down at that point. If Remus wasn't going to listen to something that was important to him then why would he share anything else with him?
"Harry." Hermione hissed.
Harry looked over to her.
"Do your assessment." Hermione said, glancing worriedly down at the blank parchment.
Harry shook his head and looked away from her.
Hermione huffed but Harry didn't look back.
He didn't know what had happened in the tower, but he'd been getting weird looks from his housemates for a while now. No one had said anything but clearly something had happened.
He thought it was maybe something the prophet had said about him being the 'Chosen One'. If that was the case, they could all get over it.
He didn't think it was that though. Ron and Hermione had been treating him strangely as well, and they usually never gave any attention to what the prophet said. He'd also noticed glares from a few of the seventh years. He didn't know what he'd done.
The class ticked by slowly and Harry shook his head to try and focus. This was the last class of the day, then he could join McGonagall in the forest until dinner. He looked forward to it. Tonight was also a DA meeting. The Slytherin's had slowly joined them over the last few weeks.
They held themselves apart from the others, but they weren't causing issues and seemed to be making progress, so Harry didn't draw attention to their hesitation.
"Alright, that's time." Sirius said as he waved his wand, and the assessments floated from the tables into his hand.
Harry watched his blank sheet of parchment float away.
The bell chimed and Harry grabbed his bag. He couldn't get out of the classroom fast enough.
"Harry, stay behind." Sirius called from the front of the class.
Harry groaned.
Hermione gave him a worried look and Harry just rolled his eyes.
"I'll see you guys at dinner." Harry said flatly.
Ron gave him a tight smile before taking Hermione's hand and walking out of the classroom.
The door swung closed as the last student left and Harry dropped back into his chair in a huff.
Sirius walked to the table in front of him and leaned on it before crossing his arms over his chest.
"You can't keep doing this." Sirius said, sliding his blank parchment back onto the desk in front of him.
Harry stared at it before glaring back at Sirius.
"Fail me then." Harry spat.
Sirius sighed and ran his hand through his hair.
"Harry, I'm not your enemy. I don't want to have a battle of wills with you. I want you to do well. I know you know this stuff but that doesn't mean that you can just not do the work." Sirius said, his voice more patient.
Harry just clenched his jaw tighter.
"Fine. Detention. You can start by completing your exam." Sirius said before turning away and walking towards the front of the class.
"I have a lesson." Harry growled.
Sirius turned and raised an eyebrow.
"An extracurricular lesson. If you wanted to go, then you should have thought about that before you decided you weren't going to take your exam." Sirius said calmly.
Harry felt tears building behind his eyes.
He wouldn't cry in front of Sirius. He was so frustrated by all of this though. Never in his life had he dealt with people trying to control his every move the way Sirius and Remus were doing. He could hardly take a trip to the loo without them wanting to know where he was going and how long he would be.
They didn't understand how hurt he was that he wasn't allowed to see Snape. He could hardly explain it to himself, but Snape made him feel safe. Sirius and Remus made him anxious at the best of times and terribly upset at the worst.
He wanted so much to connect with them but when they kept doing these things it made it so hard to want to get any closer to them.
"I spent last year being tortured during defense detentions. Making me sit here is hardly going to change my mind." Harry spat defiantly.
He didn't know why he was doing this. Pushing Sirius like this. His heart gave a painful lurch, remembering those moments in the ministry when he thought he'd lost Sirius. The pain of half a summer blaming himself.
Sirius gave him a broken look before he walked back over to Harry and pulled out a chair and sat down.
"Pup, Harry, Please stop." Sirius said brokenly.
Harry felt guilt well in his chest at the tears that were gathering in Sirius eyes.
He looked down at the table in front of him. He felt ashamed of his behavior, but he still felt so angry.
They sat there in silence for a few long minutes before Sirius broke the silence.
"I thought we had lost you. I didn't know how I would ever function normally again. We sat in the hospital wing with you every day, not saying a word, just sitting there, watching you breathe." Sirius choked out.
Harry glanced up through his fringe.
"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some of the worst are the ones that left you alone for so long. Things were all looking up and I thought we were finally going to be a family. Then you were just gone. I still wake up thinking that maybe you hadn't woken up. I dream that Minerva came to the cottage to tell us you were gone." Sirius muttered.
Harry sucked in a deep breath and held his tears back. He knew he'd hurt them, but he'd never talked to Sirius about it, and it was painful.
"Poppy and Severus said we shouldn't get our hopes up. That even if you woke up you might never talk again. I sat there for day's thinking that I had gotten you back only to lose you." Sirius whispered.
Harry bit his lip. He'd never asked or been told how bad things had been.
"I don't tell you this to upset you or make you embarrassed or guilty or anything else. Remus will probably be livid when he finds out I'm telling you any of this. I need you to know this because I love you. I love you and I don't want to lose you. When we came to Severus quarters, and you were both passed out my mind flew to all the worst cases. That you were somehow going to slip away from me again." Sirius said through tears.
"We'd had that incident that morning and all I could think is what if that was going to be the last interaction I had with you. Remus was scared too. We just want to keep you safe. We haven't been parents since keeping you safe meant not letting you eat sticks in the yard." Sirius said with a melancholy laugh.
Harry looked sadly up at Sirius. He knew that they had both lost out on time that they should have had.
"I haven't had a parent since then either." Harry whispered.
Sirius jaw clenched a little and he nodded.
"I know pup." Sirius said softly.
"Remus and I don't want to hurt you. We want to keep you safe." Sirius said.
Harry nodded.
"I'm not chewing on sticks in the yard though, Siri. I'm training to go into war. I may not be an adult yet, but I need you both to see that I'm not a child either." Harry said calmly.
Sirius bit his lip and nodded a little.
"I know that what I did looked dangerous to you, but I've studied a lot on magical beings. A vampire child wasn't going to be able to drain enough blood from me to kill me. She was starving Sirius. What Snape did was more dangerous, but he also has a relationship of trust with these Vampires. I made my own choice." Harry said in a steady voice.
He knew yelling and screaming would not help him get his point across.
Sirius sighed and looked down at his hands.
"I hear you pup. I don't agree but I hear what you're saying." Sirius said.
Harry sighed and shook his head.
"If someone else in the Order was feeding a vampire, would you be acting like this?" Harry asked, a little of his frustration seeping into his voice.
Sirius watched him for a long moment before shaking his head.
"No." Sirius admitted.
Harry raised his eyebrows in an expectant manner.
Sirius groaned and shook his head.
"Do you think you can see me as an adult, capable of making my own decisions?" Harry asked.
Sirius snorted.
"No." Sirius said but there was a smirk on his face.
"I can't even see myself as an adult most of the time." Sirius joked.
Harry smiled slightly.
"I see what you're saying. It's a tough age to be. You feel like an adult but you're not. I know you have more expected of you then most kids, but you are a kid. You're my kid. I think I can try and be more understanding though." Sirius added.
Harry nodded. He supposed that was more then he'd gotten before.
"If I came to you and said I would like to feed this starving child, would you stop me?" Harry asked.
Sirius stared at him for a long time.
"No. I understand why you did it. I just wish you had been safer about it. If I had known I would have stayed with you. Made sure you got potions to feel better." Sirius answered, surprising Harry.
"Don't look so surprised. I became an Animagus to spend full moons with a werewolf. I understand making dangerous decisions to help someone." Sirius said.
Harry smiled and nodded.
"Can I please go back to talking to Snape. I really miss him." Harry said softly.
Sirius sighed deeply and leaned back to look over Harry's head.
"I can't make that decision alone. I'll need to talk to Remus. I think he was just as scared as I was." Sirius said.
Harry deflated a little and nodded.
"Sorry I've been such a prat." Harry said.
Sirius chuckled.
"If skipping one class and ignoring my lessons for a couple weeks is you being a prat, I'd hate to think what you would have called me at your age." Sirius said.
Harry smiled genuinely at Sirius.
"Remus is worried about you. Not just this, you know?" Sirius said.
Harry bit his lip and nodded, looking back down at the table in front of him. He knew he'd promised to commit to mind healing with Remus. He'd barely lasted a week.
"I know." Harry whispered.
"Snape has offered me stability that I don't feel like I get from you and Remus though. I…I'm not saying he's more important to me…but I need him. He's helped me more than I can explain. I haven't been talking to Remus because I didn't feel heard when I tried to explain what had happened. If he's not going to listen to me, I don't want to talk to him." Harry said, his voice heavily tinged with hurt.
He wanted Sirius and Remus in his life too. He didn't want to feel like he had to choose between any of them.
There was a deep sadness in Sirius eyes.
"I'm sorry pup. I don't want you not to have the support you need." Sirius said.
Harry sighed.
They let that thought settle over them for a few minutes before Sirius spoke again.
"Are you mad at Remus for something else?" Sirius asked.
Harry raised his head as his brows furrowed.
"No. I…Things were going okay before this. At least I thought they were." Harry answered.
Sirius' lips pinched and he looked over Harry's head again.
"Remus said you kept giving him these weird looks before this happened. He thought maybe he had upset you." Sirius said with a sigh as he ran his hand through his hair.
Harry watched as the dark curly locks fell back around Sirius' face and saw a flicker of memory.
Remus sitting on the edge again and then looking up into Sirius' crying face.
Harry swallowed thickly.
"That look. What is it?" Sirius asked sadly.
Harry bit his lip before looking around the classroom.
"It's nothing we need to talk about." Harry whispered.
Harry's eyes met with Sirius grey ones. Sirius studied him intently for a moment.
"We can talk about anything Harry. I want us to talk about it if it's affecting you." Sirius said with conviction.
Harry took a deep breath and looked back down at the desk. He couldn't look at Sirius while he talked.
"Why did Remus try to jump off the astronomy tower?" Harry whispered softly, His finger tracing along the desk top.
Sirius gasped but said nothing. Harry glanced up curiously. Sirius looked confused but also heartbroken.
"I hurt him. I was hurting and did something without thinking." Sirius finally answered.
Harry nodded.
"What happened after?" Harry asked quietly.
He considered what Sirius had done to hurt Remus but knew that Sirius had phrased it that way on purpose. He was already prying; he didn't need to push it.
Sirius swallowed.
"Your dad and I didn't let him out of our sight for a whole summer. He was never out of arms reach. We talked and we helped him heal." Sirius answered quietly.
Harry swallowed thickly and nodded. He supposed that was what they were trying to do with him. He wished he could explain that he was going to have to die but that he wasn't going to try and kill himself again. That what he needed right now was just support not overbearing guardians.
He knew he couldn't though. He wouldn't. They would try and save him, and they couldn't.
"How did you find out?" Sirius asked softly.
Harry cleared his throat which now felt very dry.
"I have more memories of Remus then I thought I did. Not all of them but I don't think my mind processed everything I was really seeing when I Legilimiezed Remus this summer." Harry answered.
Sirius closed his eyes and nodded.
"I'm sorry that you saw that." Sirius said.
Harry just shrugged. It made him feel less alone. Like he wasn't the only one who had struggled like that. Maybe that was something he could say.
"It breaks my heart that he's been there. That he knows that feeling…But... In a way it brings me comfort to know that I'm not the only one." Harry answered quietly, he hoped that it didn't make him sound selfish. He'd never wish that desperation on anyone.
Sirius nodded.
"You're not alone Harry. I know it can feel that way sometimes. I can't say that I know how it feels to be you. You're kind of unique." Sirius said with a smile.
"But I want you to know that you can lean on us. The war is big and terrifying, but you aren't fighting it alone. I know Remus wants you to talk through some of the things you've been through. I know that's hard too. Trust me. I talked through a lot of my childhood with Remus. It does help though. It won't fix it or get rid of it, but you don't have to carry it the same way." Sirius said.
Harry fidgeted. He was afraid to talk about it, but he also wanted to put it behind him. He knew he wouldn't get better if he just kept pretending it hadn't happened.
"I'll try." Harry finally said.
Sirius nodded.
"I'll talk to Remus about letting you talk to Snape. I can't promise anything, he was pretty upset." Sirius said.
Harry deflated a little but nodded.
"I expect you to start participating in class though. Talk to Remus too." Sirius said, standing from the student chair and stretching his back.
Harry resignedly nodded.
"Do I still need to do this exam?" Harry asked, thumbing the corner of the parchment.
"No, but you better ace the test on Thursday." Sirius said with a smirk.
Harry smiled a little. He was sure he wouldn't have any problem with that. Though he wished Halloween wasn't on a school day. Halloween always brings something bad. He was certain the day was cursed. He wondered what sort of horror he'd be forced to face this year.
"Alright, you better get to Minnie's classroom. She says the best part of her week is running around in the forest with you." Sirius said with a smirk.
Harry smiled and wondered if that was true.
"Well, if I make it to the forest, we'll be lucky. I'm already so late." Harry muttered, pulling on his bag.
Sirius let out a bark of laughter.
"I let her know at lunch I was keeping you after class." Sirius said.
Harry was surprised.
"I know how strict she is. Do you think I want her in my office telling me what I did wrong." Sirius laughed.
Harry smiled and shook his head ruefully.
"Do you want to come out to the forest with us?" Harry asked impulsively, thinking how fun it had been to run with Padfoot while they'd been camping. He did miss Sirius, even if he had been rather angry with him.
He shuffled a little nervously, hoping Sirius would understand that he was trying to reach back out.
"Sounds great but, I've got exams to grade." Sirius said with an exaggerated sneer at his briefcase.
Harry laughed and nodded. He had hoped Sirius would join them, but he could tell Sirius wasn't turning him down to hurt him. Clearly, he really was just busy.
"Alright well I'll see you tonight then." Harry said and headed to the door.
Just as his hand touched the knob he stopped and looked back at Sirius.
"I love you, Siri." Harry said softly.
Sirius smiled.
"Love you too, Pup. Be good." Sirius said.
Harry nodded once and headed to his Animagus lesson.
"Harry?" Minerva called.
She'd expected Harry to arrive at her office late but when he never showed up, she began to worry. She'd found him but he seemed dazed.
"Harry?" Minerva called again, stepping closer.
Harry blinked and finally looked up.
"Oh, Professor." Harry mumbled.
Minerva's brows pinched in concern. She'd noticed Harry had been easily distracted recently but this seemed different.
"Are you all right?" Minerva asked.
Harry looked down the hall in both directions and seemed confused. Minerva also looked but didn't notice anything out of the normal.
"Fine, professor. I guess I just got lost in thought. I'm sorry I'm late." Harry muttered.
Minerva raised an eyebrow. Harry wasn't late, he'd missed the whole lesson. Dinner started in just a few minutes.
"It's dinner time." Minerva said.
Harry's head whipped around and met her eyes.
"What?" Harry asked hoarsely.
Minerva nodded. She was starting to get concerned. Harry was acting very strangely.
Harry muttered under his breath and shook his head.
"I'm sorry I missed our lesson. I need to go." Harry mumbled before walking away.
Minerva straightened and watched the boy walk away. She considered calling out to him, but he appeared to be headed to his parents' quarters and that was likely a good place for him to be.
She shook her head and continued to the Great Hall.
"How did your lesson with Harry go?" Sirius asked.
He looked expectantly at Minerva. He hoped Harry's lesson had gone well. Their conversation had been heavy, but he thought they'd made some good progress.
"He never showed up. I thought perhaps you'd just kept him longer than expected. I saw him in the hall on my way here. He seemed a little off, but I think he was headed to your quarters." Minerva answered.
Sirius brows creased. He and Harry had only talked for about half an hour. Where could he have been for the last hour and a half?
Sirius brows creased as he looked across the great hall. Harry wasn't at the Gryffindor table. He scanned the rest of the room and then glanced at the door just as Remus entered. Harry wasn't with him.
"Excuse me." Sirius mumbled and stood from the table.
He quickly made his way around the table and intercepted Remus.
"We need to go." Sirius said, taking Remus' hand and leading him back out of the hall.
Remus followed but when they started making their way to the staircase Remus hesitated.
"What's going on?" Remus asked.
"Harry never showed up for his lesson with Minnie. She said he was headed back to our quarters. Something doesn't feel right." Sirius said, glancing worriedly over to Remus.
Remus nodded and they picked up the pace.
"Marauders." Remus mumbled when they reached the portrait to their rooms.
Sirius entered the sitting room and looked around. When he didn't see Harry, he kept walking until he made it to Harry's room.
Harry sat heavily on his bed and dropped his bag on the floor. He stared at the wall in confusion. He could remember walking away from the defense classroom and then….
And then what? He couldn't remember. There was just nothing. The next thing he remembered McGonagall had been calling his name.
He shuffled back on his bed and leaned against the wall. Closing his eyes he slipped into his mind and stood shocked at what he saw.
What had once been one large hole in his mind and the small second hole was now holes everywhere. He walked closer and stared at the closest one. It throbbed and almost seemed to twist in on itself.
"What is this?" Harry asked in alarm.
He looked around and could see dozens of holes of varied sizes that had all appeared since he'd returned to school.
His stomach twisted as he thought back over the last two months. Tonight wasn't the first time he'd found himself someplace he didn't remember walking to.
Harry felt panic beginning to rise in his chest. Was he being possessed? Ginny had said she had been losing time when she'd had the diary.
His mind began to race.
Was Voldemort breaking into his mind? Where had the original hole come from?
Harry's breathing began to race, and he pulled out of his mind and felt tears spill down his face. He had no idea what he was supposed to do.
His body was shaking as he climbed off his bed. What was he supposed to do now? He didn't want to get in trouble. What if he had been possessed? Had he hurt someone? Harry's mind raced but he couldn't remember doing anything. He wondered if this was why the Gryffindors kept staring at him. Maybe he'd done something he couldn't remember.
Taking a deep breath he shifted into Akela. A high-pitched whine escaped him in his distress. He didn't know what to do.
Trotting over to a corner he curled up tight and laid down while he tried to calm his mind.
Remus frowned when he saw Harry curled up in his Animagus form in the corner of his room.
"Harry?" Remus called.
Harry didn't respond.
"Should we shift?" Sirius asked.
Remus brows creased. He wasn't sure what to think. Not knowing what the situation was made it hard to decide what the right response was. Harry had said Padfoot was comforting to him, but Harry had been avoiding them. He understood Harry's anger but if Harry was upset Remus wasn't sure they were going to be able to help him.
"I'm going to stay like this. Go ahead and shift, maybe he'll respond to that." Remus said.
Sirius nodded and shifted before walking cautiously over to Harry.
Remus kept an eye on the situation. When Sirius got close Harry raised his head. A low growl emanated from him and Remus raised an eyebrow. They'd never seen Harry act anything but happy or shy in his Animagus form. The hair raised on Remus neck at the sound.
"Easy Padfoot." Remus cautioned.
Padfoot whined and lowered his head a little.
Harry growled again and suddenly stood. Remus took a step back as he watched the heckles on Harry's back rise.
Padfoot whined again but made no move to get any closer.
Remus heart leapt into his throat at a sudden snarling bark from Harry.
"Back off Padfoot." Remus warned.
He was sure that Sirius understood Harry clearly but felt it was necessary to say it out loud as well.
Padfoot looked sadly over his shoulder at Remus before looking back at Harry.
Remus thought about shifting but was worried this could turn into a fight and wanted to have access to his wand.
Harry's head lowered and he growled again.
"Harry." Remus tried to call but other than a flick of his ears Harry showed no sign that he was going to calm down.
Remus slowly backed out of the room. He didn't know what had Harry so on edge, but this situation could turn dangerous, and he wouldn't let them hurt each other.
Stepping into the bathroom he pulled down the wards on the cupboard and took out a calming draught.
Harry barked loudly again, and Remus rushed back into the room. There was a snarl and a whimper and then a ball of black fur was rolling across the floor.
Remus could hear Padfoot crying.
"Enough!" Remus screamed in his fear.
Suddenly the growling stopped, and Harry released Padfoot's leg from his jaws. Green eyes met his before the black wolf-dog was replaced with the fearful face of his son.
Sirius stood and limped over next to Remus before shifting. Remus winced at the blood on his arm. His eyes swiveled back to Harry. He couldn't believe Harry had attacked Sirius. The anger was replacing the fear he'd felt a moment ago.
He fought to cram it down. They wouldn't get anywhere by shouting. He knew Harry was upset, the look on his face said he was terrified.
Remus swallowed the lump in his throat.
"I need you to take this calming draught or I'll spell it into your stomach." Remus said as neutrally as he could.
Tears suddenly fell from Harry's eyes, and he lowered his head before nodding.
Remus cautiously stepped forward and held out the vial. Harry took it but did not raise his head.
"Come with me." Remus said gently, taking Sirius upper arm.
Sirius numbly followed Remus across the hall to the bathroom.
Remus rubbed his face before opening the cupboard again.
"What happened?" Remus mumbled.
Sirius sighed.
"He's afraid. I don't know what's going on. When I tried to get closer, he just lunged at me. I shouldn't have gotten in his space. He was telling me to leave." Sirius sighed.
Remus shook his head.
"He shouldn't have attacked you." Remus growled.
When Remus turned to look at Sirius he was met with sad eyes.
"He didn't mean to hurt me Remy." Sirius said softly.
Remus jaw clenched. He knew Sirius was probably right, but he didn't want to see Sirius hurt.
"He and I talked today. I think it was good for both of us. I don't know what happened after he left but he wasn't angry at me. Even in his room it wasn't anger, it was fear. He didn't mean to hurt me." Sirius said.
Remus sighed as he pulled the mangled fabric from Sirius arm. The bite wasn't deep but there was quite a bit of blood. Gently he ran a warm flannel over the injury to wash away the blood. He was reminded of time's Sirius had done this for him after a hard night under the moon.
"It's hardly the first time I've been bitten. Some time's I even like when you bite me." Sirius said with a smirk.
Remus looked up into Sirius' face full of smugness and rolled his eyes.
"I don't know how you're joking right now." Remus said as he continued to clean Sirius arm.
"Helps alleviate the tension." Sirius answered.
Remus snorted softly.
Taking some gauze, Remus began to wrap the wound. Sirius winced slightly.
"Sorry." Remus mumbled.
"It's okay." Sirius quickly placated.
When the wound was wrapped, Remus held out a couple of potions. Sirius took the one to fight infection and then rolled his eyes.
"I don't need a blood replenisher. It's hardly more than a scratch." Sirius said.
Remus bit his lip and replaced the vial in the cupboard.
"Let's go check on Harry." Sirius said, taking Remus hand.
Remus nodded and they headed back across the hall.
Harry sat on the floor with his back against the bed. His body was shaking even after taking the calming draught. He couldn't believe he'd bit Sirius. He'd just wanted them to leave him alone. He didn't know what was going on and he didn't want to hurt them.
Now he'd managed to hurt them anyway. His chest felt tight, and he wanted to cry. He knew they'd come back so he tried to shove the emotions down. He pulled on his wall and felt it snap into place. He wouldn't hurt them more then he already had. He felt awful and just wanted to be left alone now.
"Harry." Remus called from the door.
Harry looked up and felt his stomach knot uncomfortably. Sirius had a bandage on his arm and Harry could see that there was a little blood on his shirt.
"I'm sorry." Harry said softly, before looking away.
There was a sigh from above him before the sounds of them getting closer to him. Harry couldn't control the flinch. He'd really messed up this time.
Pinching his eyes closed, he held his body stiff and waited but the blow never came.
"Harry, you're safe." Sirius whispered softly.
Cracking his eyes open slightly he saw that Sirius and Remus had both come into his room and sat down on the floor in front of him. He felt like crying. They didn't look mad. Which didn't make any sense to him at all. They sat like they had in the cottage every night for their talks.
"You're okay, pup." Remus reassured.
Harry worried his lower lip between his teeth unsurely before he nodded.
"I'm so sorry." Harry croaked out, turning sad eyes to Sirius.
"I know. It's going to be okay though." Sirius said.
Harry shrugged his shoulders and looked down at his folded hands. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Something very strange was happening in his mind. His walls didn't feel any weaker, but he was missing chunks of time that he couldn't explain.
"Can you tell us what had you so upset?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't know what the cause was, and he didn't want to put them at risk. He could figure it out on his own.
"Where were you after we talked today?" Sirius asked.
Harry shrugged again. He didn't know. He'd just been…what lost in the halls? His mind raced but there was nothing there.
"Harry that's not an acceptable answer. You're staying in our quarters right now for your safety. You're not supposed to be on your own. Where were you?" Remus said. His words were firm but there was no bite to them.
Harry just shrugged again. He had no answer.
Remus sighed noisily and Harry chanced a look up through his bangs.
"Can you tell me why you bit Sirius?" Remus asked.
Harry twisted his hands.
He'd been afraid. He felt bad admitting that though.
"I was just startled." Harry lied.
"Sorry, pup." Sirius said.
Harry shook his head.
"It's fine Siri." Harry said, exhaustion thick in his voice.
There was a long pause but when nothing else was said Harry closed his eyes. He didn't know why he was so tired. It wasn't even curfew yet. A thought suddenly occurred to him.
"Shit." Harry mumbled.
Tonight was a DA meeting.
"What's wrong pup?" Remus asked.
"It's a DA night. I forgot." Harry mumbled.
"I don't think that's going to happen." Remus answered.
Harry looked up with trepidation.
"Am I on restriction?" Harry asked worriedly.
Remus looked tired too. His face seemed more lined, and his shoulders were more slumped.
"No, but I'd like you to stay in tonight." Remus answered.
Harry sighed.
"I need to let Ron and Hermione know they need to run the lesson. I'm supposed to be starting a new spell tonight." Harry muttered.
Remus nodded.
"You can send them a Patronus." Remus said.
Harry groaned but nodded.
Part of him wanted to climb into bed and sleep the next several days away. The rest of him wanted to slip under the invisibility cloak and go to the DA meeting. Or Perhaps the Library and try and find out what was going on in his head. If he could even find any information. He doubted it was normal to have holes in your mind.
He wished he could go ask Snape about it. He was sure the man would know. Harry groaned again. He wasn't allowed to talk to Snape, and he doubted Sirius had talked to Remus about it yet. Plus, it didn't matter, he didn't want to put Snape in danger either. He would likely have books on the mind arts though.
"You look pretty tired. Why don't you come eat some dinner with us and then head to bed." Remus suggested.
Harry nodded weakly. He didn't have any fight left in him. Food sounded terrible but he knew that they would insist.
Harry stared in the mirror in confusion. He'd eaten a few bites of dinner but quickly excused himself. His shower had been grounding but when he'd stepped out, he noticed a mark on his hip. It was slightly above where his pants would sit. He didn't think he'd been hurt in the scuffle with Sirius. However, he couldn't come up with another answer.
He turned slightly and found that he had several smaller bruises. Snapping the glamour down he studied his body. His stomach twisted in discomfort. He hated how disgusting he looked. The scars stood out in sharp contrast to his freshly scrubbed pink skin.
Unfortunately, what he was seeing wasn't just scars. There were small red marks and bruises littering his body. He had no idea where any of them had come from. His stomach twisted sourly. They were familiar. Like marks he'd have after a run in with Rick.
Harry turned and vomited, half missing the toilet.
"Fuck." Harry cursed, as his legs began to shake, and he fell to the floor.
"What the fuck!" Harry gasped looking down at his body.
"Harry?!" Remus called through the door.
"Shit." Harry mumbled, pulling the glamour back up.
"I'm fine." Harry answered softly.
There were soft mumblings from the other side of the door.
"Harry, I need you to come out here." Remus said firmly.
Harry sighed. He was sure Remus thought he'd hurt himself.
"I…I'm not hurt. I er…I got sick." Harry admitted.
There was more mumbling.
"Can you open the door please." Remus said softly.
Harry stood shakily and grabbed his pajama pants and pulled them on. He wasn't facing anyone without pants on. He suddenly felt very suspicious of everyone. Rick wasn't here at the school, but someone had…had done something to him. He swallowed down the bile that was trying to wash up his throat again.
He pulled on his shirt and jumper before opening the door.
Remus grimaced and waved his wand and vanished the mess on the floor next to the toilet.
"Are you coming down with something?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged.
"I don't know. It's just stress I think." Harry muttered.
Remus nodded.
"Do you want a dreamless sleep?" Remus offered as he reached for the cupboard.
Harry stomach lurched again. He didn't want anything that would make him less aware of what was going on around him. Something was really wrong.
"No." Harry said a little harshly.
Remus looked up at him and Harry looked wearily back.
Remus brows creased before Harry looked away. Remus was a Legilimens and He wouldn't let Remus into his mind.
"Why don't we get you to bed pup." Remus said, stepping out of the doorway.
Harry hesitated for a moment before raising his head and walking between Sirius and Remus and into his room.
Harry dropped his dirty clothes in the hamper and walked to his desk before sitting down.
"Harry, I don't think you should push yourself tonight. You need to get some sleep." Remus said from the door of his room.
Harry swallowed. As exhausted as he felt there was no way he was going to sleep right now.
"I'm just going to revise for a while until my stomach settles." Harry answered.
There was a little shuffling behind him.
"We love you, Harry. Were just in the sitting room if you need anything." Sirius said softly.
Harry glanced over his shoulder and gave them a tight smile.
"Okay." Harry whispered.
Sirius and Remus both gave him worried smiles before they left his room and closed the door.
Harry sighed and felt tears spring down his cheeks. Why did everything always have to be so complicated?
He dropped his glamour and pulled up his shirt. There were small round bruises along his stomach. It looked like someone had dug their fingers into him. Was this what had happened in the missing chunks of time?
Harry swallowed thickly and wiped his face. He couldn't do this again. Waving his hand, he pulled up wards on his room to keep everyone out and alert him if anyone was trying to come in. He made sure there were silencing charms up before he turned back to his desk. He stared blankly at the wall. His mind felt like it was on fire.
He tried to think back over the past two months of school. No one seemed to be acting weird. He'd had a lot of lessons and activities. He'd been busy but nothing seemed off. How long has this been happening?
He remembered finding the first new hole. It must have started then.
He'd let down his guard. Everyone kept telling him he was safe, and he'd stupidly believed them. He'd let himself go alone to so many meetings. He remembered those, at least he thought he did.
He shook his head as a fresh wave of tears crashed down his face. He plucked up the bottle of ink on his desk and through it hard against the wall before letting out a scream.
"Why!?" Harry yelled into the empty room.
"I don't like this. Something feels wrong." Remus said as he settled on the couch with Sirius.
Sirius sighed and nodded before bringing his hands up to his face.
"I know. I don't know what happened after we had our talk, but he seems so closed off again." Sirius sighed
Remus nodded.
"What did you talk about?" Remus asked.
Sirius worried his lip a little.
"I wanted to talk about his behavior these last few weeks. I know he's angry at us, but I didn't want him getting worse. I've been worried about him. He hasn't been engaging in class at all, and I know it's his best subject." Sirius explained.
Remus nodded.
"How did he respond to that?" Remus asked hesitantly.
Harry had gone back to shutting him out in there sessions. He wouldn't even answer basic questions anymore. Just sit quietly and stare at his hands until he ran out the clock.
"Angry and defensive at first. I…I explained how frightened I'd been when he was in the hospital after his suicide attempt. That finding him passed out in Severus quarters really scared me." Sirius admitted.
Remus stomach clenched. He'd avoided addressing the suicide attempt much, other than their first meeting at school where he'd inquired about the Horcruxes.
"I'm not sure that was a good idea. He's not doing well. It's why he's staying here." Remus said cautiously.
"I know. I figured you'd be upset but I needed him to know. I needed to explain why this whole mess with Severus upset me so much." Sirius responded.
Remus nodded. Sirius wasn't wrong. It was definitely a factor.
"He knows about your attempt." Sirius said softly.
Remus thoughts froze for a moment before he looked critically at Sirius.
"You told him?" Remus whispered out.
He wasn't sure if he felt betrayed or worried in that moment. It certainly wasn't something he ever planned to tell Harry about.
Sirius shook his head.
"He says he saw more memories this summer then he'd originally thought." Sirius explained.
Remus sat back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.
"Merlin. Who knows all what he's seen." Remus murmured, closing his eyes.
"He says it makes him feel less alone. That it's painful to know that you were in that situation but that he feels like he isn't the only one." Sirius said.
Remus nodded. He could understand that. It was a very lonely place to be.
"He's not mad at you by the way. I asked what the looks he had been giving you were about. That was the answer. I think it was probably pain you were seeing. He's been hurting for you." Sirius murmured, taking Remus' hand.
Remus opened his eyes and looked at Sirius.
"I'll always be thankful to you and James for saving me that night." Remus whispered.
Sirius sighed deeply and nodded.
"If it hadn't been for me, you never would have been there in the first place." Sirius said mournfully.
Remus gave him a tight smile.
"It's in the past Pads." Remus whispered.
Reaching out Remus cupped Sirius cheek and ran his thumb along the stubble. He was so thankful to have Sirius in his life. It hadn't always been perfect. There had been so much pain, but he felt loved and that was worth the pain.
"I love you." Remus said softly.
"I love you, too." Sirius murmured back, leaning his cheek into Remus palm and gently kissing it.
Remus smiled before he pulled his hand away.
With a sigh he tried to refocus on Harry.
"Did he say anything else when you talked?" Remus asked.
"He wants to see Severus. He misses him. He said that he offers him stability he doesn't feel he gets from us. It was hard to hear but I suppose I understand." Sirius said.
Remus nodded. He'd noticed how much more at ease Harry was with Severus. He wished Harry could find that comfort with them, maybe he would someday but clearly right now that wasn't likely.
"What do you think?" Remus asked.
Sirius smirked and shrugged.
"I told him I'd talk to you. I understand why he did what he did. He asked that we try and treat him more like an adult. Which feels impossible but I think he's probably right. We can be supportive without smothering him." Sirius said.
Remus nodded. Sirius was right. It was scary but he'd seen evidence that if they gave Harry space, he was more likely to come to them. More likely to rely on them. When they were over baring is when he pulled away.
"All right. I'll talk to Severus tomorrow." Remus said rubbing his face.
"What do you think happened tonight?" Sirius asked worriedly.
Remus shrugged.
"I'm not sure. I've never seen Harry act out aggressively. My best guess is something triggered him after he left his conversation with you. He was upset and needed space and we invaded that space and upset him further." Remus said.
Sirius nodded.
"Will you talk to him tomorrow about it?" Sirius asked.
Remus nodded.
"Yeah, He's been showing up for his sessions, he just doesn't say anything. I'll see if I can get him to talk to me." Remus answered.
He felt exhausted.
"I think I'm going to call it an early night." Remus said, pulling himself off the couch.
"Yeah, probably for the best." Sirius said standing as well.
Remus turned and pulled Sirius close to him. Sirius wrapped his arms around him, and they stood holding each other for a few moments. Things had been overwhelming lately but it was comforting to know he wasn't alone in all of this.
"Come on." Sirius murmured, pulling away and taking Remus hand.