Howard dithered in Penny's kitchen, trying to avoid drawing attention to himself. The rest of the group were in the living room, trying to play some card game that Raj had come up with. No one quite understood the rules, and Sheldon was busy interrogating Raj, pointing out all the loopholes, and coming up with new rules to avoid them. The current rule count was at 17, and the pair was still bickering.
The gathering had been Natasha's idea. Once Penny had enrolled in the course, Natasha had insisted on having a celebratory night at their apartment. Additionally, they were celebrating Raj finally being able to talk with women. He was still shy, but he could finally have a complete conversation, not just half sentences mixed with hand gestures. Howard was proud of him. And of Penny.
But this pride was also tinged with a bit on envy. Penny was moving on to better things. Raj had overcome a major problem in his life. And he was still Howard. Dorky, short, plain old Howard. Who still lived with his mother. Who still couldn't pick up a girl, even though his therapy sessions had got rid of his creepy approach. Just a small, small man, who sat at his laptop all day, because his mind was the one thing he had. And even here, Sheldon could run laps around him.
He simply didn't have anything.
Howard tried to shake off those thoughts. His therapist said it was his sense of insecurity and inferiority that made him think this way. He needed to focus on what a big deal it was for Raj and Penny, not compare it to how he hadn't achieved anything right now.
Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Hold.
The box breathing method was something his therapist had taught him. To give him something to focus on when the nasty thoughts wouldn't go away. Howard clutched the kitchen counter, counting his inhales and holds and exhales.
"You alright, mate?"
Howard opened his eyes to see Leonard eyeing him quizzically.
"Yeah…just…I think I ate something weird."
Leonard nodded sympathetically, grabbed a glass of water and left.
He was trying to get out of the habit of lying about his insecurities. It stemmed from a deep-seated fear of letting people know that something was wrong. If he pretended everything was fine, there would be no reason for them to judge him, to be disgusted with him. But he simply didn't know how to broach the topic. Sheldon already considered him dumb and incapable of achieving anything. Leonard would remind him of the papers he had already written, the projects he had contributed to. (No awards yet.) Raj would fuss over him and coddle him, much the same way his mother did. Penny would simply tell him that he was a far smarter person than she. He didn't know Natasha that well. So, who was he supposed to be honest to?
Late at night, after everyone had left, Penny sat on her bed, examining the presents they had given her. Some stationery supplies, a digital library subscription, and some course books. Natasha, knowing Penny well, had also bought her a pack of glitter pens, at which Leonard and Sheldon had snorted. Penny touched the crisp pages of a notebook, staring at the blank page. Would she be able to do this? She had spent a big amount of her father's hard-earned money on this course. What if she was stupid at hospitality? What if no one hired her? She shook her head to get rid of the bad thoughts. No, she would be amazing at it. And she still had her job at The Cheesecake Factory. And she had sold almost 50 Penny Blossoms this week.
"You can do this, Penny."
She said to herself.
"You can and are going to improve your life."
With that, she put her gifts away and got under the covers, snuggling into her pillow.