6. (️️sms) I put you down as my emergency contact.
Curlews of steam spiral lazily from Suki's morning coffee. She sits at the breakfast bar in her hotel room, scrolling through the latest news as she crunches on toast.
She's interrupted halfway through reading a piece on climate protests in London by Eve's caller ID. For a moment, she stares down at it, warmth flooding her chest.
Once upon a time, she'd have balked at the idea of ever doing something as ridiculously sentimental as having a caller ID picture of a partner. But since finding her strength to leave Nish and step out of the shadows, she has found it impossible not to hold Eve up at every opportunity. Shouting it from the rooftops indeed.
Which has led to this. A personalised caller ID for her lover.
It's one of her very favourite pictures of Eve, taken on a trip to Brighton last summer. Eve was caught mid-laugh, almost side-profile as she looked out to sea, sleeveless shirt showing off the tan of her skin and the fine muscles in her biceps. Sunglasses on, cap backwards like a ridiculous skater boy to barely hide windswept hair, and all the more attractive for it.
Realising that she's been staring a little too long, Suki quickly swipes up to answer before it can ring off.
"Hey, you," she says.
Eve's tone is filled with mirth. "I thought you were gonna leave me hanging. What is it, you distracted by some gorgeously curvaceous femme?"
Suki rolls her eyes. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
"What, my beautiful girlfriend openly experiencing a gay panic because another woman flirted with her? Absolutely not."
It still feels strange, to have Eve's complete trust and encouragement. She'd spent so many years afraid to even glance in another person's direction. Women, of course, because she had been terrified of what others might see in her gaze, but also men, too—in case they perceived something in her gaze that wasn't really there, or if Nish did, and punished her with his jealousy and possessiveness.
Eve takes no offence if she catches her with an idly wandering eye, secure in their relationship and love for one another. Suki doesn't want anyone else ever again, not now she's been lucky enough to meet the love of her life on a working class London street, but she has spent her entire life hiding who she really is. Never again.
"How are things down there?" she asks, keen to avoid further teasing anyway.
"Oh, the usual chaos in Casa Slater. Charli's finding a hundred new ways to cause mayhem."
Suki can hear the pride in her lover's voice. It always warms her, to hear how being welcomed into the fold of such a loving family after spending so many years alone means to her. "It sounds like you're enjoying that far too much."
"Well, I don't have to live with it anymore, do I?" Eve laughs. "But Stacey is stressing, Hope and Arthur don't understand the dangers. They just think she can be a new partner in crime for them. To be honest, at times it's been a blessing to be trapped on the van listening to Shrimpy bang on about his extra-crispy bacon."
Suki laughs. "Trust me, it only gets worse from here."
"Which Stacy should already know, given she's done it three times herself. I'm just lying low, sorting the van for her, and trying not to be too much of a nuisance."
"Impossible."
"Ouch. Absence hasn't made your heart grow fonder, then."
"Is that why you're ringing me at six in the morning?"
"Well, I know you. I knew you'd be up."
"With my gorgeous femme."
"And not giving me a second thought."
"Not really, no," Suki teases, then sobers, tone earnest. "Two more days, and I'll be back in your arms."
Eve's tone is equally soft. "I can't wait. I've missed you."
"And I've missed you, so much."
"How has it been, really?"
Suki sighs. "Parts of it have been hard. Having the kids with me has helped. Unconditional support, I suppose."
Ashneet had been the one to mention it first; whilst in Canada, she had connected with a distant cousin of a distant cousin, and the two had bonded over the shared tribulations and pitfalls that came with being a GP. Privately, Suki had thought that Aditpal had ridiculously grandiose ideas, a belief that was only cemented further when Ash had told her that Aditpal was coordinating an intricately huge taskforce of getting as many of the huge extended family in one place in one go.
But she had thought nothing would come of it…until the invitation to the big family reunion had landed on the doormat.
Her first instinct had been to throw it away and bury her head in the sand. She had never been one for mingling with the endless extended family, with blood ties so tenuous that it was almost impossible to explain how they fit into each other's orbits; not unless it was showing off the achievements of her children, a good reflection back on her. This would be something else entirely, an almost unbearable scrutiny. Cousins and aunties flying in from all corners of the world, standing in groups and gossiping lowly about what a pariah Sukhwinder had become. Leaving Nishandeep for another woman, because that knowledge was sure to have spread like wildfire through the community and beyond, as if the stigma of divorce wasn't already bad enough. She'd had visions of being stared at and judged from every angle, all of her faults scrutinised publicly. She'd known that there would be plenty of people there, especially the older amongst them, who would never be able to comprehend that she had fallen in love with another woman.
Eve hadn't pushed her one way or the other, understanding how traumatic it could be to lay the soul bare to members of the family; Suki has always appreciated her patience and understanding of how difficult this journey can be.
In the end, it had been her children who had convinced her to take the leap.
"Mum, your sexuality is the least important thing about you," Ashneet had said. "Twice you've built yourself back up from nothing. You're fearless, a leader. Don't let anyone take that away from you."
"We're so proud of you," Vinny had added. "And we're here to support you every step of the way. If anyone's got anything to say, I'll tell them exactly where to go."
It was that, more than anything, that had given her courage. Vinny had broken her heart with his initial reaction to the truth about her and Eve, but he'd tried so hard every day to make up for that. Clumsily at first, tone deaf, with pamper days and reminders that she was making the family happy, showing extra appreciation that just killed a part of her more each time. But then, after everything, with real attempts to make her feel seen and heard, to mend those broken fences with Eve, to champion Suki taking charge of her own destiny with the woman she loved.
And she could hardly blame him for his initial behaviour, not when she had been so horrific in the wake of Ashneet's own coming out.
Thus Ashneet had flown in from Canada, and Suki and Vinny had travelled from Walford, into the colourful gathering. A long weekend of inter-generational reconnection.
"No one's given you any grief?" asks Eve softly now.
Suki sighs. "A little from a few. Not even grief, per se. Just…the usual looks. Being given a wide berth in case I'm contagious or something. Mostly it's been ignored. But there's been some incredible kindness too. I think…I think if we ever do this again, I'd like to bring you along."
She hears Eve's sharp intake of breath. "Really?"
"Really," she confirms softly. "You are as important to me as my kids. I don't want to hide you away. I'm not ashamed of you. I was lucky enough to find the love of my life. I want to be able to show you off in person. I have shown you off, even if you're not here with me."
"Really?" Eve says again, and the undisguised delight in her voice has tears springing to Suki's eyes. She knows how much it means to her lover to be spoken about openly, not to be shoved to one side because she is an embarrassing inconvenience, desired only in the shadows.
"Yeah," she says. "Anyone who will listen."
"And?"
"And what?"
"Did they come to understand with startling clarity just why you would have fallen in love with me?" It's framed as a light-hearted tease, but Suki understands the inference behind it: Did they look at you with disgust? Did they make you feel ashamed?
She had shown off one of her very favourite pictures of the two of them, taken by Stacey as they had ready themselves to attend Honey's wedding; Suki in a dress of royal blue, Eve in a matching dress suit, hair slicked back and curling at the nape of her neck, the two of them standing with their arms around each other's waists, hips touching.
There had been mixed reactions, of course, as she'd known there would be. Some of them had muttered in Punjabi amongst themselves, evidently forgetting that she could understand their every word—hurtful words, that if she was with a masculine woman, she should have saved herself the scrutiny and stayed with Nishandeep, perhaps wilfully misunderstanding that she wasn't attracted to Eve for her more masculine presentation, but for her kindness, her quick wit, her ability to make her laugh, her softness, the way she made her feel safe for the first time in her life. And, yes, beyond that, Eve is a woman, however she feels most comfortable presenting herself. Superficially, she is attracted to Eve because of that. Even if Nish had been everything a husband should be, there would never have been any attraction there. Because she cannot feel it for men, no matter who they are.
Some had given her polite, tight smiles, clearly uncomfortable to see Suki beaming in the arms of another woman, but at least respectful enough not to make comment on it.
But others still had expressed their pleasure at seeing Suki so evidently happy in her new freedom, that Eve seemed like a nice woman. And that simple acceptance had given her courage.
"They could all see how ridiculously happy I looked with you," she says, not quite a straight answer, but one Eve accepts nevertheless.
"What's on today's agenda?" she asks.
"Oh, the usual. Sitting around eating good food, listening to life stories."
"But you're enjoying yourself?"
"It's better than I feared." She pauses. "But I do miss you."
"I miss you too. But you did the right thing not inviting me along. It was always going to be tough. My presence would have made it a hundred times worse. Your sexuality would have been the main talking point, not everything else you've achieved."
In many respects, it still is, but Suki doesn't say that; she'd rather Eve have the ability to comfort herself.
"I'd love to meet other members of your family if you ever feel comfortable enough for that," Eve continues, "but there's absolutely no pressure. I'm more happy than happy just having you, my love, being able to hold your hand in the square. That was all I ever needed. Anything else is a bonus. Besides, it's not like I can offer you the same in turn. My family despises me for breathing. If I never cross their paths again it would be too soon. And you wouldn't be spared their prejudice, either."
She understands that. One type of bigotry often breeds others. Some of her own family are mistrustful because of Eve's whiteness, despite others present also having white partners who have also joined the gatherings; she can only imagine the venom Eve's family would show towards her.
"Just two more days," say Suki. "Then I'll be back. You can meet me at the tube station."
"It'll be like one of those old-fashioned, sweeping romances, where the hero returns to find their girl waiting."
"So you're gonna kiss me in the middle of the station?"
"That depends on if you want me to."
"I want you to," Suki whispers.
"There you are, then. I'll sweep you off your feet and kiss you like I haven't seen you in a hundred years."
"You're crazy," she laughs.
"For you, yeah. You unhinge me."
"I love you, Eve."
"Love you too. Look, I'd better get going. Stacey will kill me if I'm late opening the van. Call me later, yeah? Let me know how today goes. Or talk about whatever mundane thing you want. I just want to hear your voice. Say hi to Ash and Vinny for me. Bye."
And with that, she signs off. Slowly, Suki pulls her phone away from her ear, smoothing her thumb over her lover's name, her heart fluttering in her chest.
Eve's not the only one left feeling unhinged.
The day is easier than the previous one.
She meets Ashneet and Vinny in the hotel lobby—her kids, as usual, running late—and together they join the others in descending on a distant cousin's cousin's huge house. She helps the women cook, listening to them talking a mile a minute and occasionally joining in herself. There's laughter, and so much joy. More people approach her with smiles, perhaps reassured by the positive encounters that others had had. They embrace her, praise her children, pull her into the heart of the activities. Things will never be perfect, but this is more than enough.
As the hour grows late, Suki steps outside for some fresh air. The press of so many bodies inside is oppressive, and she needs a moment to recentre herself.
And perhaps hear Eve's voice.
She makes her way to the bottom of the garden, away from the group of men laughing and discussing Manchester United's current woes, where she can have a bit of peace and quiet.
Pulling out her phone, she's surprised to see an influx of missed calls; she'd put her phone on silent, conscious of not adding rude alongside gay on the identifier's list.
Six missed calls from Stacey. Two from an unknown number.
And a text from Stacey too.
Call me when you get this.
Frowning, Suki feels a sense of dread beginning to creep up on her, sinking its talons into her flesh, readying itself to rip her apart. Why would Stacey be so desperate to reach her? And why hasn't Eve?
Something's happened.
With shaking fingers, she returns Stacey's call. It rings for an age, then hits voicemail. She disconnects, tries again. Same result.
"What's the point in telling me to call you and then not answering?" she snaps after the beep. "Call me back, for God's sake, or at least text me more bloody detail."
She moves straight on to phoning Eve
"Hi—"
"Eve!" she gasps with relief, but it is snuffed out a second later.
"—This is Eve. Leave me a message, and if you're lucky I'll get back to you. Unless you're Suki. If you are, I'll definitely get back to you, my love."
The message tone sounds but, numbly, Suki disconnects the call. The panic starts to rise again, crashing over her in dizzying waves. Something's happened to Eve. She knows it. She'd got too complacent in the delirious joy she experiences each and every day, and the world is punishing her for it. She'd been arrogant to think with Nish out of the way for good, absolutely nothing else could come between them. She tries to take a sharp breath, but her lungs don't want to cooperate—
"Mum? What's wrong?"
She looks up to find Ashneet and Vinny making their way down the garden path.
"You've been gone awhile, so we asked Virdi Uncle if he'd seen you and he said you were down here." Vinny pauses, frowning. "What's happened?"
Suki licks her lips, trying to force words from her dry throat. "I, um, I think something's happened at home."
"What do you mean?" says Ash.
"I've had six missed calls from Stacey. And a number I don't recognise."
Ash's expression grows concerned. "You think something's happened with Eve?"
"Why else would Stacey be ringing me? Why else isn't Eve answering?"
"Don't jump to conclusions, Mum. It might be something completely innocent. You said you had a missed call from an unknown number too. Why don't you give that a ring back?"
Vinny moves closer to her side, slipping his hand into hers. "Go on, Mum."
Taking a deep breath, Suki locates the number and hits call.
It seems to ring for an eternity.
And then her worst fears are confirmed.
"Good evening. Walford General, Baxter's ward."
Walford General. Walford General.
The phone almost slips through her suddenly nerveless fingers; her knees buckle. It's only Vinny's quick reflexes that stop her from hitting the floor.
Her children's faces morph into masks of concern. They must see the truth of it in her face.
No. No. This can't be happening.
"I've had two missed calls from you," she manages to croak. "I'm Suki Panesar."
She hears the rustle of paper, the click of keys. Her heartbeat surges in her ears. "One moment. Suki Panesar, Suki Panesar…Ah, yes! Mrs. Panesar!"
"Not Mrs. Panesar," she corrects automatically. "Just Suki, please." She will be tied to Nish forever through the children he gave to her, but her own identity no longer belongs to him. Every time someone mistakenly gives her a married title, she finds herself juddering with disgust. She will keep the Panesar name because everything it is today is because of her, but she needs no further reminders of that man. "Tell me what's happened. It's Eve, isn't it? Something's wrong with Eve."
The woman's voice goes gentle. "Yes, Suki. We do have Eve here with us."
"Oh, God, I knew it—"
It's getting hard to breathe again. Ash and Vinny are practically holding her up between them at this point. But the nurse rushes on, trying to placate her. "Let me reassure you, she's in the very best hands. And she has someone here with her."
"What's happened to her? Please, I have to know."
"From what we understand, Miss Unwin was involved in some kind of altercation earlier. When things escalated, she ended up hitting her head on the kerb. She's had scans and we're waiting for the results. We'll know more then."
Suki can't get her brain to comprehend the words; they wash over her like a gust of air, and just as impossible to grasp. Visions swim before her eyes, of fractured skulls, haemorrhages, induced comas that people never come out of.
"She's going to die," she says dully. Beside her, Ash and Vinny gasp. The last of the strength leaves her legs, and not even their combined efforts can keep her upright. Numbly, she sinks to the grass. Dew soaks her jeans.
"It's far too early to be making any statements like that," the nurse says firmly. "There is every chance that your friend will be as right as rain. Like I said—"
"She isn't my friend." The words are out of her mouth before she can stop them.
"Sorry?" Cut off mid-flow, the nurse is confused. Suki can hear it in her voice, the same old assumptions they face every single day.
"Eve's my partner," she says. Every time she has to say it, the words come a little easier. But she never expected to have to say it in this situation.
"Right, I see!" The nurse backtracks hastily.
Suki isn't interested in wasting any more time on pointless apologies. "I'm not in London right now, but I'm coming straight home. I should be with you in a few hours. My mobile will be with me at all times. If…if anything changes, you need to call me immediately."
"Of course. You have my word."
"Thank you. Goodbye." It's difficult to even remember the pleasantries; all she wants to do is race back south. With the end of the call comes terrible silence. She uses her children as crutches as she hauls herself back to her feet.
"Mum, what's happened?" Ash asks urgently.
Suki sniffs, wiping her eyes. Pulling herself together. Mask on. "I don't know the full details yet, but Eve's been involved in some kind of altercation. She's in hospital."
Ash gasps, fingers biting into her arm. "Is she okay?"
I don't know, Ashneet. She hit her head, they need to do scans. And I need to go. I need to be there."
"We're all going," Vinny says at once.
"That's not necessary."
"Of course it is! You're in no fit state to be on your own."
"I'm fine."
"You're not, Mum," says Ash gently. "You're shaking like a leaf. And that's okay. We know how much you love Eve—"
Suki pulls away. "I'm not doing this now," she says tersely.
"Mum, don't shut down on us—" Vinny protests.
"Look, I don't have time for this. All I know right now is that I have to get back to London. Make my excuses for me, please. Tell them something's come up. Leave it at that." She can't bear the thought of the whispers again, the people gossiping about her frantic flight to her lover's side, the silent belief that this is no more than she deserves for being who she really is…
She pushes those thoughts away. There's no time for that.
"We're both coming with you, Mum," Vinny insists. He turns to his sister. "Go in and grab our things. Tell them we've got to go."
"Our things are still in the hotel," Suki objects. "And we can't just disappear without checking out."
Clearly this fact hadn't occurred to her children. Vinny rubs his chin. "Right, new plan. Ash, you sort things here. I'll go with Mum."
"I'm not having your sister being left here alone."
"Mum, I can take care of myself! I live in Canada!"
"Go," Vinny says to her. Ash nods at once and hurries away.
"Vinny—" Suki begins, massaging her temple, but he fixes her with a fierce look.
"No, Mum, stop arguing. We're coming with you. Eve's family. We're all gonna be there. Now, I'm gonna look up train tickets and get that sorted. You call a cab."
Frustration bubbles beneath her skin, but she's wasting precious time arguing, so she marches through the garden gate and down the alley back onto the main road, phone to her ear. A taxi can be with them in ten minutes. In five, Ash and Vinny join her. They will make the next train to St. Pancras providing there are no delays.
Luck is on their side. They make it to the train station with fifteen minutes to spare. No delays on the line, a miracle in itself. Suki paces restlessly, eyes glued to her phone, waiting for any kind of communication from Stacey. Nothing comes.
On the train, she stares out of the window in silence. Vinny purchases overpriced coffees for them, which she doesn't touch. He fills the silence with inane chatter, having the sense to stay clear of mentioning Eve.
And as much as she'd wanted to be on her own, she can't deny that her son's presence is a comfort to her. Having him there makes her feel less alone. Forces the fear to stay at bay.
Halfway through the journey, her phone begins to ring.
She's jerked out of her lifeless stupor at once, snatching it up from the tabletop.
Her heart leaps in her chest.
That beautiful photograph, all the more so now: Eve's grinning profile. She fumbles with the phone, ramming it against her ear, heart hammering.
"Eve!" she gasps. Across from here, Vinny startles into life, reaching to grasp her unoccupied hand.
But she hears nothing. Static, a few robotic clicks. Frustrated, she pulls her phone away. No signal. For fuck's sake. This is not what she needs right now.
"Eve?" she repeats. "Eve, can you hear me?"
No discernible voice. She swears aloud this time, disconnects the call, tries to phone back.
It won't even connect. She tries again. Still nothing. She slams her phone back onto the table.
"No signal," she tells Vinny.
"But it was Eve, right? So that means she's okay!"
"How do I really know it was her?" she snaps. "I couldn't hear anything."
"But that was her phone. Who else would it be?"
"It could be anyone! Stacey, or just some random nurse! It wouldn't be difficult for anyone to work out that I'm someone significant in Eve's life." From the moment they went public, Eve had changed every available wallpaper into something that celebrates her, and their relationship. Her lock screen is a photo of Suki beaming at her from across the table in a coffee shop; her home screen is of the two of them together, taken when they celebrated their anniversary; her caller ID is a picture from their visit to Mumbai, where she had taken Eve's breath away in a sari of royal blue. She even has them on her WhatsApp background. Suki tells her that it's ridiculously sentimental, but she knows she's not fooling her lover; in truth, it makes her heart soar to know that she means the whole world to Eve, because she's never had that before.
"Okay, yeah, Stacey is one thing, but she'd just ring you on her own phone! And it's not gonna be a nurse! They'd ring you through the official channels if anything bad had happened."
Suki knows he's right, of course, but it doesn't help with her anxiety. Until she can confirm for herself that Eve really is okay, she's not going to put her trust in hope.
The journey seems to last forever. She spends the rest of it staring at her phone, willing the signal bars to reappear, but they never do. She fantasises about calling the provider and giving them a good earbashing about the lack of quality they're delivering for her well-earned money. She's supposed to have 5G, for God's sake!
Anything to keep her mind away from the terror of what she might find when she arrives at the hospital.
At long last, the train begins slowing, ready to dock at the station. Suki is already at the door, waiting impatiently for the very second she can escape; she fought her way here four stops ago, determined not to waste any time.
"I'll call us a cab as soon as we get outside," says Vinny. "Unless we can grab one in the taxi rank."
"We'll try the taxi rank first. I want to waste as little time as possible. Make sure you keep up, Vinny."
She knows he is rolling his eyes behind her, but she lets it slide. The train is almost at a stop now, and she stands poised over the door's release button. As soon as it glows orange, she slaps it, then barely gives the doors time to part before she's squeezed through the gap and leapt onto the platform. Eve would have plenty to say about that if she'd witnessed it, given her heels.
The thought of her lover only brings more pain. What if…what if she never gets to experience such innocuous teasing ever again?
She bites the inside of her cheek in an attempt to keep the emotions at bay. Vinny takes her hand.
"Come on, Mum," he says gently. "We'll be with her in no time."
As they shove their way through the crowd, still heaving despite the late hour, Suki feels her phone buzzing in her pocket. Then again. And again. Continuous vibration.
Her signal is back.
She resists the urge to stop, waiting until they've found a taxi and rattled off the hospital's address before fishing it out.
A whole slew of messages. One from Ash. A few from Stacey.
Even more from Eve's phone.
Her heart leaps. Without bothering to check the others, she opens Eve's.
I just tried calling you but I guess the signal is shit. Xxx
Just wanted to let you know that I'm okay. Please don't worry, all is good. Xxx
They say the scans are good. Keeping me in just as a precaution, but I'll be released tomorrow. You don't need to come. Xxx
I'm actually fuming Stacey told you when I told her not to! It's a fuss about nothing. Xxx
"Is that Eve?" says Vinny, peering over her shoulder.
"Yeah, it is."
He grins at her, relief tinging his smile and belying his confidence. "See, I told you she'd be okay! It would take more than a smack round the head to do her in."
Suki returns his smile. "I know. You just…can't help thinking the worst, can you?"
"No, I get it. Text her back."
She nods, tilting her screen away from him slightly. It seems stupid, to be embarrassed of her son seeing her messages to Eve when he sees them walking hand-in-hand down the street, has caught them kissing each other in the middle of the kitchen. But there is something so deeply intimate about the written word, the window into the innermost corners in the soul. There are things she's said to Eve that are for her and her alone, secrets pressed between the two of them in a turn of phrase, in a tender recollection.
I'm back in London, I'm on my way to see you right now. I'll be with you very soon. And it wasn't Stacey who told me, though she has tried to get hold of me. It was the hospital.
Eve's reply comes through almost instantly; it gives Suki great comfort to know that she has her phone with her right now and is alert and aware.
The hospital!?
Yeah, some nurse on the ward you're on. I presume Stacey told her to call me when she couldn't get reach me?
Oh, shit. No, I don't think it's that.
Suki frowns.
What's that supposed to mean?
Remember when I went to A last year?
Suki rolls her eyes. Eve is always getting into one scrape or another. If it's not sliced fingers, it's second-degree burns.
Which time?
Haha.
This is followed by a GIF of someone doing a sarcastic slow clap.
I just meant that when I went in last time and had to fill in all the forms, I put you down as my emergency contact. They've obviously retained that on file.
For a moment, Suki stares down at the words. Eve had put her down as her emergency contact?
It's ridiculous, that such a simple statement could set her heart racing in her chest. But it's there in black and white. Eve had chosen her above all others.
It shouldn't be that surprising. After all, they've been together properly for almost three years now. But she supposes that she had always assumed that Stacey would retain the privilege of being next of kin, given that they're closer than most sisters, and still married.
The fact that Eve gave them her name, making it official that she is the person Eve wants beside her more than anyone in her time of need, brings a lump to her throat.
Her phone vibrates again.
Sorry if that was the wrong thing to do. I should have discussed it with you first. I just seriously never considered it would ever actually need to be used, and you're the most important person in my life.
I don't mind. I'm glad that I am. I always want to be the first person you think to call when you need something. Xxx
Always, my love. Always. Xxx
Suki taps her finger against the side of her phone, contemplating whether she should confess her own little secret, then decides that it's time.
In fact, I changed mine at the surgery from Vinny to you.
Seriously!?
Yeah. It felt right. You're my partner. I want everything to reflect that. Xxx
A moment of the stuttering grey dots, as if Eve isn't quite sure how to respond. And then:
Suki, you have no idea how much I love you. Xxx
And Suki smiles, relieved.
If it's anywhere near as much as I love you, I think I do.
I'm putting my phone away now. I'll be with you very, very soon. Xxx
Can't wait. Xxx
"How is she? Is she okay?" asks Vinny as she slips her phone back into her pocket.
"Yeah," Suki exhales. "Yeah, she seems fine."
"That's great!" Vinny beams, reaching across to squeeze her hand. "I'll call Ash when we get there and let her know."
"Thank you for being here with me, putt," she says quietly. "And I'm sorry I've been so snappy."
"Mum, you don't have anything to apologise for. I get it. I'd be exactly the same if I was in your position. Knowing that someone you love is hurt and not knowing if they're going to be okay is scary."
"You're a good son," she tells him, running her thumb over the back of his hand. "I got so lucky with all four of you."
They lapse into silence, but for the first time in hours, Suki feels at peace.
Eve is okay, and they'll be reunited soon enough.
When they arrive at the hospital, Suki leaves Vinny to deal with the taxi and heads for the information desk. The nurse points here in the right direction of the ward, and as soon as Vinny joins her, they head off in search of Eve.
The ward is quiet when they arrive, the blessing of the late hour. And, as they turn onto the corridor, they find Stacey by the water machine, refilling her cup. Vinny calls out to her, and she almost drops it, sloshing water onto the floor.
"Are you trying to see me in here an' all!?" she grimaces, putting her hand over her heart.
Suki ignores her. "Where is she, Stacey?"
"Down in room six. She's got one all to herself. I'll take you there, come on."
They follow her down the corridor. Stacey fidgets awkwardly.
"Look, I'm sorry for not calling you back. But I was here with her, and she was adamant that I not tell you and spoil your weekend with the family. And I figured that since I hadn't told you anything in the text, I could blag my way out of it if I needed to."
"Eve can't decide what I can and can't know," says Suki. "It's my right to be aware if she's hurt. You should have called me back."
"I get it, but you know what she's like. She doesn't like feeling that she's taking anything from you."
"Eve has given me everything. She's allowed to want me here."
"Oh, I don't think it's a case of not wanting. She's driven me mad for years wanting you. But she's so used to dealing with stuff on her own after being made to feel like a burden and a waste of space. It's a hard habit to break."
Suki knows this all too well. She had spent so much of her life erecting barriers around herself, boxing off her feelings, never allowing anyone close enough to glimpse her soft underbelly, because when they did she was always torn asunder, leaving chaos in her wake.
Until Eve had bludgeoned her way through those barricades with a single bloody-mindedness that she had both despised and craved. Until Eve had shown her, in painful increments, that it was possible to prise away the suffocating shackles of her previous life, to redefine herself outside the parameters of the labels she'd had placed upon her so young.
She wants to give Eve the same in turn.
"What did she get herself involved with, anyway?" she asks.
But Stacey shakes her head. "No, that ain't for me to say. She can tell you that one herself."
That does little to reassure her. She knows how quickly Eve's temper gets the better of her sometimes. She has visions of the police arriving at her bedside, ready to slap handcuffs around her wrists and cart her off to prison the moment she's discharged. "At least tell me if I'm going to need to start ringing around Eve's lawyer friends."
"It's not like that," Stacey reassures her. "Eve's not in any trouble."
"Makes a change," jokes Vinny. Suki gives him a warning glower, and he hastily changes the subject. "Ash is about an hour away."
"Tell her to head straight back home," says Suki. "There's no point in everyone congregating here. It's late enough as it is." She looks to Stacey. "You can get off if you want. You've been here all night. You must be shattered."
"Yeah, I will get off when I've shown you to her room. Mum and the kids'll be desperate for an update. Here she is!"
Stacey directs them to the left, and sure enough, there is Eve, sitting up and beaming as she clamps eyes on them.
And for the first time all evening, Suki feels peace settle onto her shoulders. She can see Eve with her own eyes. She's really, truly okay.
"Hey," Eve rasps, and the sound of her voice has tears rushing to her eyes. She swallows hard.
"Can you give us a moment together?" she murmurs.
"Course," says Vinny. "Good to see you, Eve. Reckon the bandage is an improvement."
"Cheers, Vin. I appreciate that," says Eve sardonically.
Vinny salutes her, then slips out of the room.
"And I'm getting off," Stacey announces. "I'll come and see you in the morning, yeah?"
"It's already the morning," Eve points out.
"Oh, stop being such a smartarse." Stacey rolls her eyes. "I'll be back later."
"Honestly, you don't need to. Like they said, I'll be discharged. I'll just see you back on the square."
"Fine, if that's what you want. Just be prepared for Hope and Arthur being all over you. And as punishment for giving everyone a scare, I ain't gonna stop them."
"I reckon I can live with that. See you, mate."
"See you later," say Stacey, and leans in to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She clears her throat, nods at Suki, then takes her leave.
Suki places her bag on the end of Eve's bed, scrutinising her.
"You know," she says, "if you really were missing me that much, there were easier ways to persuade me back than ending up in hospital."
"You know me," Eve says brightly, "I enjoy a bit of drama now and then."
It breaks any apprehension that might linger, and Suki hurries up to the head of the bed, immediately pulling her lover into her arms. She's already got the slightly malodourous stench of the hospital on her, but Suki doesn't care. The only thing that matters is this: the warm, reassuring weight of Eve in her arms, the softness of her hair against her cheek, the strength in her touch as she brings her hand up to Suki's forearm.
"Careful," she winces.
"Sorry, sorry!" Suki loosens her grip just slightly, but is reluctant to let go.
"Nah, don't worry about it. You're a sight for sore eyes, that's for sure. You gonna give me a kiss?"
"As if you even need to ask," she murmurs, and tilts Eve's chin so she can kiss her, chaste but lingering. When they part, she smooths Eve's hair away from her face, inspecting her critically. There's a graze at her temple, the start of it just visible beneath the white gauze wrapped around her head. A bruised cheek, a split lip too. "You look like shit."
Eve laughs. "Careful, babe. You keep compliments like that coming and my ego will swell beyond containment."
Suki turns to drag the visitor's chair from the corner of the room to as close to the bed as she can get it. Reaching out to take Eve's hand between both of hers, she asks, "What the hell happened?"
"Stacey hasn't told you?"
"She said it was for you to. And all the hospital said on the phone was that you'd been involved in some kind of altercation. So start talking."
Eve winces. "I'm getting parent vibes, love."
"Maybe if you were responsible, you wouldn't."
"Ouch. And here was me hoping for love and sympathy from the woman I adore beyond reason."
"Stop trying to deflect. Flattery isn't going to make me drop it."
"It was worth a try."
Suki raises an eyebrow, fighting a smile. As infuriating as it can be at times, the feeling is beyond mutual. And she can't pretend that she doesn't enjoy the flattery too. "Come on."
"Just…promise you won't be mad."
"I'm not promising anything until I've heard what you have to say."
Eve pouts, leaning back slightly. "Look, it's no big deal. Just this idiot hassling Nugget and Avani. I wasn't gonna let that happen, so I stepped in. He didn't take too kindly to it, and I ended up on the floor."
Of all the things Suki had been expecting to hear, that was near the bottom of the list. "What!? Who was this man!? Why didn't anyone tell me this sooner!? Are they okay!?"
"I reckon so, yeah. They didn't get hurt, which is what I wanted to prevent."
Suki goes quiet, trying to process this new information. Someone had gone after her grandchildren? She can no longer blame Eve for getting into an altercation now; if she had been there, she would have ripped him apart for daring to touch her family.
And Eve…Eve had stepped into that role for her.
"Suki?" Her lover is frowning at her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," she manages around the lump in her throat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just…tell me all of it. Please."
Eve looks reluctant, but she's never been able to deny Suki anything; the power that Suki has over her is at times intoxicating, and at times frightening. To know that she has someone who loves her so deeply, who always puts her first…She never thought she'd have that. Not after what Nish had put her through.
"I don't know who the dude was," Eve says, answering her previous question. "He's not been round here before. But he was looking for Ravi, so my bet is he's either someone he knew in prison, or he's been stupid enough to get himself caught up in something again."
Suki swears in Punjabi. "That boy had better not be getting himself mixed up in criminality again. He's had enough of that to last several lifetimes."
Eve shrugs. "He's been doing so much better in the last couple of years, hasn't he? And he loves those kids, no one could ever deny it. He'd never put them in danger willingly."
And Suki knows he's been trying so hard to be a better role model for them than Nish and Ranveer ever were for him. She'll have to have word with him, there's no getting around that, but she'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt first. "Go on."
"Right, so I was working on the van. Stace had gone to get some change. The dinner rush was over so I didn't have any punters. I saw Nugget and Avani walking down the street. I was gonna shout over to them when this guy intercepted them. Started getting up in their faces. You know what they're like, they both gave it back, but I could tell they were scared, so I went over to them, asked if everything was okay. He told me he was just having a nice little chat with Ravi's kids. Proper arrogant little shit. I told him he'd had a little chat so he could do one. He told me to do one right back, but in less polite terms." Eve shakes her head. "Obviously I wasn't gonna do that. And you know what Avani is like. Her mother's daughter through and through."
That is true enough; Avani is a firecracker, sharp as a whip and fearless. She's at the age, caught between the cusp of adulthood and childhood, where she is constantly pushing boundaries and fraying Ravi's nerves; Priya, predictably, has taken a much more laissez-faire attitude to the whole thing. At one time, Suki would have been forgiven for thinking that Davinder might cause more issues, influenced his whole life as he had been by Ranveer, Nish, and Ravi's own past actions, but he has matured into a young wonderful young man.
"Anyway," Eve continues, breaking her from her thoughts, "Avani started getting a bit mouthy with him too. And that was when he grabbed hold of her. Proper switched. Started shouting about making Ravi come to see him if he didn't want anything to happen to his precious kids. And I just saw red, I guess."
Suki can well imagine; she's always such an advocate for women in general, and seeing a man put his hands on a woman would have been the final straw.
"I yanked him off and told him to just dare putting his hands on either one of them ever again. He said he would do as he liked until he got hold of Ravi, and if I knew what was good for me I'd get away now. Well, obviously I wasn't gonna do that. I said this was as much my business as Ravi's if he was making threats against our family. I think it clicked for him then, who I was."
At Eve's declaration—our family—Suki feels her heart contract in her chest. Yes, that's what they are. Blended and multicultural and entirely hers. Her flesh and blood in the children she tended inside her own womb, protecting right from their very first moment of life. The stepson and adopted grandchildren and feisty daughter-in-law-of-sorts that she took into her heart. And the woman who connected with her very soul, who fused herself into the very fabric of her DNA so intricately that she couldn't live without her anymore.
The woman with so much love to give, who had been searching her entire life for a place to belong. She'd found a home with the Slaters, and Suki knows that she will always consider them the family that she'd never had. But she is as much a Panesar as she is a Slater, and Suki tries every day to make her feel that.
The reward is in that one simple sentence. Our family.
"What happened next?" she asks softly, determined not to bring attention to it, to embarrass her, squeezing her hand.
For the first time, Eve looks a little guarded. "Oh, you can imagine. Insults being flung left and right."
And she's not saying it, but Suki can read the subtext. Those insults weren't aimed at Eve. They were about her.
It's unpleasant, but Eve has fielded those sorts of comments since her teenaged years. She rises to them on occasion—Suki will never forget the fear she felt when she heard that Ashneet had been caught up in a homophobic attack alongside her—but in recent years, secure in their relationship and the acceptance of the people who matter, she has mellowed. Jeers in her direction no longer stick.
Insults aimed at Suki are different.
She can't pretend that she doesn't sometimes still struggle with shame and anxiety. She's had a whole lifetime of 'right' and 'wrong' drilled into her; that can't be unlearned overnight. On the square, it's easy. The people in the neighbourhood see them every day without passing judgement, don't bat an eyelid anymore at the idea of Suki sharing her life with another woman. They've made their home in a place where Suki feels comfortable enough to walk down the street with her head held high, unashamed and steadfast as she holds Eve's hand in hers. Nights in the Vic or the Albert are second-nature, where they sit as close as physically possible, always with shoulders brushing, or a hand on a knee or thigh, or leaning intimately close to whisper a secret. Suki even kisses her lover in public, taking her face between both hands, chaste but truthful.
But away from the square, away from the safe bubble, it can still be so hard.
Walking down the street in an unfamiliar place and catching people staring at them, only for them to look away quickly; Suki is more defiant these days than she'd ever thought she might be, but sometimes there are bad days, where that prickle of self-consciousness sticks in the back of her throat that people are looking and judging because they're two women in love.
At gurdwara, where with certain people there is still that awkward friction, where somehow Nish murdering a man in a jealous rage was more easily forgiven than Suki following the call of her heart. When even as she finds peace within herself at the reconciliation of her faith and her sexuality, there are those who will never be able to understand.
And sometimes she can't hide this, no matter how hard she tries. Eve is always so in tune with her, the other half of her soul, the one fashioned by God's hands to love her, and she knows her lover feels the sting of it keenly, strives to take the responsibility of making that go away onto her own shoulders, even though it's a battle that only Suki can face. Sometimes, Suki thinks that Eve still doesn't quite trust that they've made it this far, her own past traumas making it difficult for her to trust in the stability of their situation. She takes it upon herself to jump to Suki's defence at every turn, as if she fears that it could all still come crashing down around them, that if Suki thinks about what she is doing for long enough she might get cold feet, might listen to those sneering voices around her, might regress back into fear and denial.
It breaks her heart to know that Eve has suffered so much alone, having never been enough for anybody, that she still has those moments of doubt. Suki has suffered just as much and sometimes more, but at least she had had her kids to cling onto, even in the darkest of times.
"Tell me," she says softly now. "Eve, please."
Eve relents after a moment. "He started saying…stuff. The usual derogatory bullshit."
"About me," Suki says.
Eve's silence speaks volumes. Suki moves as close to the bed as she can, until her knees are jammed uncomfortably against the metal frame, desperate to be as close as possible, desperate to reassure her.
"You can tell me," she says. "I've heard it all before now. I can take it."
"I know. I just don't like you having to hear that bullshit, not when you've worked so hard to be okay with who you really are."
"And I love you for it. But you can't protect me. I'm always going to face more prejudice than you are. As long as I have you, I don't care anymore. My family, that's the only thing I care about. Everyone else can say what they like about me and about us. As long as I have you, Kheerat, Ashneet, Vinny, Davinder, Avani, Priya, Ravi. No one else matters."
Sighing, Eve squeezes her hand tighter. But then she relents. Speaks. "He just said that it all made sense, why I was so invested. That I was the one you'd…you'd whored yourself for. That everyone still talks about how you've thrown your life away because you weren't strong enough to fight the sin. How shameful it is that you're staining yourself by sharing a bed with me. That you…that you're a filthy dyke. That there was no wonder Nish had acted the way he had, to be humiliated like that by a wife who should have been loyal to him."
That one word in particular still stings. It's not the first time she's heard it directed at her—she will never forget that, walking down the street minding her own business with Eve's hand in hers, the insult bandied between a group of men just loud enough to hear—but it gets easier to bear. It angers her that it should. But better anger than constant shame. That first time, she had pulled her hand free of Eve's. It had taken her weeks to hold her hand in public again.
And never mind the mention of Nish. That there were people out there who felt sorry for him. That there were people who thought he was justified in his actions as the poor, slighted husband. They didn't know of the years of control, the descent into physical violence and intimidation. Perhaps some of them might even see those as his attempts to cure her of her terrible deviance. Now when she thinks back on that horrific night where she'd being left standing alone at the tube station, with Eve being driven towards her death, it brings bile to her throat to have the hindsight of knowing that Nish already knew about her affair with Eve. Those uncomfortable comments about their honeymoon, the desire to have her agree to relive it. Forcing her to tell him she loved him. Forcing himself on her. Knowing that it was Eve she wanted. A woman.
Correcting her.
"Nugget and Avani were both ready to go for him," says Eve. "They both love you so much, Suki."
She certainly doesn't want her grandchildren getting into trouble on her behalf, but her heart swells nevertheless. Because she made so many mistakes with her own children. Davinder and Avani feel like redemption, proof that she can be a good person if she tries.
"I pulled them away," Eve continues. "And I know I should have kept my mouth shut. But I was just so angry, hearing him sneering about you like that, saying those things about you and Nish. So I told him if he ever showed his stupid, ugly face around here again, I'd make sure that everyone would have him being laid out by a filthy dyke to gossip about instead."
Suki can well imagine such a threat hadn't gone down well. Arrogant, fragile man governed by their desire to make sure that women knew their places. Mouthy lesbians challenged that.
"Anyway, I turned to leave with the kids…And then I felt a blinding pain around my head. Next thing I knew, I was here, in hospital. Feel like a right idiot for letting him get a free shot in like that. I know better than to turn my back on pathetic little men."
The reminder of what happened with Nish all those years ago still gives Suki nightmares sometimes. There's a lump in her throat. She could have lost Eve then, and she could have lost her now. How many reports are there of a stupid fight gone wrong, of a person becoming a killer after one punch resulting in irreversible brain trauma?
Eve can always read her. She reaches out for her face. "Look at me, Suki. I'm all right. Really. A bit bruised and bloody, but no lasting impact. My ego is the most wounded part of me."
"I know, I know." Suki closes her eyes, placing her own hand on top of Eve's against her face. "But I was so bloody terrified when I heard, Eve."
"I'm sorry they worried you. If I'd known—"
"Eve, I would have been far angrier with you if I hadn't been told! Something like this is far too big not to share with me. I'm your partner, I'm here to stand by your side no matter what happens."
But you were with your family—"
"I told you, you're my family. All of you, here, you're the family that matters the most. I would come running the second you asked if you needed me. No ifs, no buts."
Eve's eyes are soft. "I do love you."
"I love you too." Suki leans in, presses a soft kiss against the bandage. "Have you heard from any of the others?"
"Stace heard from Ravi and Priya, yeah. She said that the kids were taken to the station to give statements, so they were down there with them. I'm not sure how it went. Stace said that they wanted to come straight here to see me afterwards, but they've been through enough today and didn't need to see that on top. So I just told Stace to reassure them that I'm fine and I would see them tomorrow."
"They're not going to be able to settle tonight, regardless."
"I'll give them a call, then, put their minds at rest."
With that, she scrolls and finds the family chat with the grandkids, and hits call. Suki's phone starts to ring and she cuts it off, craning her neck to see Eve's screen.
In seconds, Davinder and Avani have answered.
"Eve!" they yell almost in unison.
Eve grins at them. "Hey, guys."
There's a confused clamour for information as both kids speak over each other, their words unintelligible. Eve laughs.
"One at a time!" she says. "And you take the mick out of me!"
"That's because you have a well weird way of pronouncing some words," says Avani.
"I'll have you know, the Yorkshire accent is consistently voted one of the sexiest accents in the UK," says Eve. "Your dādī seems to agree!"
This causes the expected furore in the kids, who express their disgust by clamping their hands over their ears. Grinning, Suki gives Eve's bicep a good-natured smack, careful to keep her touch light; she can't deny that there are specific moments when she finds Eve's accent very attractive indeed, and she loves that even after spending years in the capital, where her accent has mellowed somewhat, there are still times when there can be no mistaking her origins.
"How did you guys get on, anyway?" Eve asks.
"We can tell you about that after, we want to hear how you are first!" Avani argues. Davinder nods in agreement.
"No lasting damage, I promise. I'm here overnight for observation, but I'll be back tomorrow. Just a bump. It will probably take a few weeks to heal, but it's all surface stuff."
"We're so glad," says Davinder earnestly. "We were proper scared."
"Will Dādī be angry with us?" asks Avani quietly.
Suki frowns, pushing her face into the frame. "Why would I be angry with you?"
"Dādī! When did you get back!?" says Davinder.
"About half an hour ago. I came straight down when I heard the news."
"Did you tell her?" says Avani to her brother.
"No! I ain't a grass!"
"It was the hospital," Eve interrupts. "I'd forgotten about her being my emergency contact."
"Aww, proper grown-up stuff, that!"
"And of course I'm not angry with you," says Suki.
"But it's our fault Eve got hurt," says Davinder cautiously.
"Don't be daft, it's not your fault!" Eve exclaims. "It's my responsibility to make sure you're safe when the others aren't around!"
"And I'm so thankful that the both of you are safe and sound," adds Suki. "Of course, I never want to hear that Eve has been hurt, but I'm so grateful that she was looking out for you."
"Anyway, enough about me," says Eve. "I want to know what's happened with the police."
"They got the guy," Avani informs them. "As soon as he did what he did, Martin and Billy were straight over from the market, and they managed to keep hold of him. Dunno who phoned the police, but someone did. And then we all got took to the station to give our statements. Made a change from someone in the family being arrested, to be fair."
"Avani!" says Davinder.
"What? It's true, innit?" says Avani breezily. "Proper crime family. Dad's been in prison, Eve's been in prison, Nish is in prison, and so is Kheerat Uncle. Dādī and Vinny Uncle have had their own brushes with the law an' all, from what you've said!"
"All right, that's enough out of you," Eve interrupts her. Suki is grateful. It's been years, but the acute pain of knowing that Kheerat needlessly threw his life away still haunts her every single day. She will never, ever forgive Ravi for allowing her son to fall on his sword, but she cannot deprive Davinder and Avani a life with their dad.
He had better be keeping himself on the straight and narrow, else she will lose her temper with him.
"Do we know who that tosser was yet?" says Eve.
"Someone Dad knew from his drug-dealing days, apparently," shrugs Avani. "Think he wanted Dad to get back in the game. Dad said he'd been contacting him and he'd been ignoring him. I guess him turning up here and trying to get at us was his way of trying to intimidate Dad back into doing criminal shit. Stuff," she amends as Suki raises an eyebrow at her. "Anyway, he's cooperating with the police. For a change."
"Have they been to see you yet, Eve?" asks Davinder.
"Not yet. They might leave it until tomorrow now."
"They will if they know what's good for them," mutters Suki. Right now, she doesn't want the police swarming all over them. All she wants in this moment is the reassurance that Eve is safe and well.
"You coming home, Dādī?"
"Not tonight, no. I'll stay here. Vinny and Ashneet will be back soon, though."
"Love, you should go home and get some rest too," says Eve, concerned. You're not gonna get any sleep stuck here."
"Don't you worry about me. I'll manage."
"Yeah, Dādī's an absolute simp for you, Eve," Avani smirks. "She ain't leaving now that she's there."
"All right, that's enough out of you," says Suki firmly. She has no idea what the hell a simp is, but from the way the kids are sniggering, it certainly can't lend itself well to her icy persona. "Go and enjoy the rest of your evenings. We'll be home tomorrow, so you can come and see Eve then." She turns her attention to Davinder. Is your father there, putt?"
"Yeah," he nods.
"Tell him to call me as soon as he can, okay?"
"Will do. We'll come over and see you tomorrow, Eve."
"Make sure you bring me a Twix or something. Reckon I deserve it."
Davinder rolls his eyes at Eve's jest, but Suki can tell that he's pleased and relieved to see how well she is. With a final goodbye, both kids end the call, and Eve throws her phone down.
"I'm glad to see they're not too shaken up," she says. "All of this is worth it to know that they're safe."
"And I'm more glad than I could possibly say to know you are too," Suki murmurs.
"You say that, but you're not very good at this 'visiting hospitals' malarkey."
"What?"
"Well, you've turned up empty-handed again, haven't you? Where are my grapes? Though I suppose this is an improvement—you didn't visit me last time…"
It's a jape, but it lands flat. Suki will never forget how scared she'd been when she'd realised that there had been carbon monoxide poisoning in the Slater house. All she'd wanted to do was drop everything and run to the hospital with Eve, not leaving until she knew that she was okay. But it hadn't been safe. She couldn't raise Nish's suspicions. So she'd gleaned as much second-hand information as she had been able, the band around her heart not loosening until she had heard that Eve was home and on the mend.
She should have popped round then, even if just for a moment. Just to let her see that she was thinking of her. That she cared. Leaving it ten days before bothering to check in had clearly hurt Eve, and she had regretted that more than she had dared to admit even to herself.
Evidently taking stock of her expression, Eve reaches out for her hand. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by that. I was just making a joke. Clearly not a very good one."
"No, I know," she replies. "I just don't suppose I'll ever quite shake the guilt about how I treated you sometimes."
"You did what you had to do to survive. I know I didn't make that easy for you, sulking and pouting."
"We can't help it when we're in love, can we?" she says. "You didn't know if you were coming or going half of the time. I'd've been the same as you if the shoe was on the other foot." She brushes Eve's hair back gently, lightening the mood. "Anyway, I'm surprised you care that I didn't bring grapes."
"Why is that?" Eve asks, genuinely intrigued.
"Because that would have meant a further delay in me getting here. And there was no contest. Absolutely nothing on earth was more important to me than getting to your side as quickly as possible. I needed to see you with my very own eyes. Do you still begrudge the grapes?"
"Well, when you put it like that…" Eve muses. "Can't lie, the idea of you not giving a thought to anything else and just wanting to be here with me means more than anything." She clears her throat. "I haven't had anyone else care about me like this since I was a kid. Not until you and Stace."
It's sad, just how little love the both of them had had until they'd met each other. Their backgrounds and lives had been vastly different, but at the heart of it they'd just been two lonely, frightened people looking for a home.
A home they'd found within each other.
"Besides, I can bring you something even better than grapes," Suki murmurs now, determined to turn her thoughts away from the maudlin.
"Chocolate?"
"Even better than that."
"There's nothing better than that."
"Oh?" Suki raises an eyebrow. "What about this?"
And with that, she leans in to kiss her. Slowly. Delicately. Letting her feel the fullness of her tenderness, her relief that she is okay. When she pulls back, leaving her with a final, lingering tug on her bottom lip, Eve's expression is dazed.
"Okay, yeah," she agrees, her tongue darting out as if to chase the taste of her. "That is much better than chocolate."
Suki smirks at her. "One of these days you'll accept that I'm always right."
"If those are the kinds of demonstrations I can expect, I never want to be right again!"
Suki's ringtone interrupts then, and she picks it up to inspect the caller ID.
"It's Ravi," she tells Eve, then answers it. "Hello."
"Hey," he answers. She detects the note of trepidation in his voice. Good. He deserves to squirm a little. "Nugget said you wanted to speak to me?"
"That's right."
"He says Eve is okay? I'm glad to hear it."
"Yeah, she's fine. A few nasty bumps and bruises, but she'll make a full recovery, thank God. Because if she hadn't…" She takes a deep breath, switching to Punjabi to disguise her words from Eve. "I would have rained hell down on you, boy. Eve is everything to me. You've already tried to take her from me once. I will not lose her again, not for anything. Do you understand me?"
"Yes," says Ravi. He is sullen now, a scolded, petulant boy.
"You'd better not have got yourself caught up in any dodgy business again, Ravi. We're trying to keep away from that, show better examples for your kids."
"I know. I swear I haven't, Suki. Look, I know I've done some awful things and associated with awful people. I can't change that. But that's all he is. Some awful person I knew while I was on the inside. I left him behind with the drug dealing. Him resurfacing now has nothing to do with the present. I promise, I'll do what I can to help the police with their enquiries."
"You'd better. I don't want any of my family being in that kind of danger ever again. That includes you."
There's a moment's pause. A quiet, "Okay." There's more emotion in that than she's heard from him in a long time. She suspects that he too sometimes still struggles with the idea that he has a family now. She can only imagine the punishment he endured for something that had never been his fault, the product of Haspira's infidelity. All those years of abuse, to then come into Nish's life properly and only be used as a tool, his worth measured on how useful he was to Nish's schemes.
He can never replace her own sons. Those complicated feelings surrounding what he allowed Kheerat to do will never go away. But they've forged their own way forward throughout the years. And, impossible though it might seem to some, she has come to see him as another son. All of them are one mismatched family in defiance of everything that Nish tried to rip from them.
"I don't mean to get angry with you, Ravi."
"No, I get it. I'd be the same if it was Priya or the kids. And I am grateful to Eve for protecting them. I'll do what I can to help, I promise. Are you coming home tonight?"
"Ashneet should be home soon. I'm sending Vinny back, but I'm staying here for the night."
"Will they even let you?"
"I'd like to see them try to get me to leave."
Ravi snorts. "Yeah, they'd be in for a rude awakening."
"We're hoping Eve gets discharged in the morning, so we should be back home by lunch."
"Okay. We'll come round to see you then."
They say their goodbyes, and Suki stows her phone away, returning her hand to Eve's.
"Everything okay?" she asks.
"Everything's fine now."
"I hope you weren't too hard on him."
"What makes you say that?"
"You switched to Punjabi. You only ever do that around me if there's something you don't want me to know, or if you're particularly worked up." She gives her a smirk, eyeing her shamelessly. "Since regrettably I can't get you into the latter state right now, it has to be the former."
Suki flushes warm at the frank assessment. She can't even deny it. Not that she has anything to be embarrassed about. She knows how hot it gets Eve, and she uses it to her advantage. Often.
"Never you mind," she says instead.
Eve grins. "Was it something disgustingly sickening? I heard my name."
"It's none of your business."
"It was, wasn't it?" she crows.
Thankfully, before she can push any further, the door opens and Vinny steps into the room, holding a carrier bag in one hand and a cardboard cup of coffee in the other.
"Hey," he says. "Ash is almost here. I'm going to meet her at the station and then we'll head on home. I just popped to the shop over the road for some supplies for you." He holds the coffee out to Suki, then proceeds to tip the contents of the bag all over Eve's bed.
Suki wrinkles her nose. "What on earth is all this?"
But Eve has already snatched gleefully at a packet of crisps and a bottle of liquid; Suki takes a quick glance at the whiteboard behind the bed to verify that Eve's not supposed to be Nil-By-Mouth. "This was on Ash, wasn't it?"
"Bang on," says Vinny, helping himself to a packet of crisps too.
At Suki's cocked eyebrow, Eve supplies, "Back when those homophobic morons set on us and Ash ended up in hospital all those years ago, I bought her these exact same snacks. Space Raiders, strawberry laces, and Lilt."
"I've slipped a little extra in for you, though," says Vinny, throwing an alien-shaped crisp up into the air and catching it in his mouth. "You know, because I should be your favourite Panesar."
"Sorry to disappoint, but that's always gonna be reserved for your mum," says Eve through a mouthful of chewed corn. Honestly, it's moments like this that makes Suki wonder how she can be so attracted to her in the first place.
"Mum shouldn't count because she has an unfair advantage," Vinny points out.
"Nah, your mum is always gonna count. She's my favourite person in the whole world. Just don't tell Stacey that."
Okay, maybe it's moments like that that make her so attractive.
Vinny shakes his head. "Charming." He turns back to her, moving forward to give her a one-armed hug. "I'll go and meet Ash."
"Okay, putt," she says. "And thank you."
"Any time," he says, squeezing her. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Make sure you let me know that you've got back safely."
"Yes, Mā," he says, reaching out to squeeze Eve's hand too. "Bye."
And with that, he's gone, leaving them alone once more.
And now, knowing that there's no chance of anyone she knows walking in and catching her, Suki feels her lip wobbling. Face crumpling. Tears rushing to her eyes. She tries to hold them back, but blinking only causes them to spill, and when she tries to take a steadying breath, all that comes out is a great, heaving sob.
Eve, suitably engrossed in her ridiculous crisps, startles up at once, her eyes widening. "Suki? Suki! Hey, what's all this!?"
The floodgates open at the concern in her voice, the tears spilling faster, the sobs wracking her frame. Eve scrambles for her at once, wincing at the pull of the cannular but undeterred as she kneels up on the bed to envelop her in her arms properly. Suki clings to her, burying her head in her shoulder, letting all of those tightly contained emotions burst free.
For long moments neither of them moves; over the sound of her uneven breaths, Suki can hear Eve's soothing shushes, nonsensical sounds of comfort. That hospital smell is strong, but beneath it Suki can still detect that woody, sensual scent of Eve's perfume, the bacon fat that clings to her skin because she hasn't been able to shower yet. The reassuring strength in the firmness of her grip, in the solidity of her frame.
At length, she pulls back slightly, sniffing, wiping her tears away. "I'm sorry. I'm just being stupid."
Eve reaches up to brush her hands aside, replacing them with her own. Her thumbs rub away the remaining tears. Her touch is so tender. "Suki, you never have to apologise to me. And you're not being stupid. Please, just tell me what's wrong. I want to help you."
Suki manages a weak smile, trying to compose herself. She takes heart from having Eve so close, moving to press her own hand on top of Eve's as she reverts to cupping her cheek instead. "Nothing's wrong. You're absolutely fine, and I'm right where I want to be."
Understanding dawns on Eve's expression. "Oh, love."
She huffs, shaking her head. "It's ridiculous."
"No, it's not. I'd be exactly the same if I was in your position."
"But I can see you're fine. I'm holding you, you're talking to me. I don't need to blubber like an idiot."
"All that pent-up emotion needs a release. Crying is the most natural one. It's your body's way of providing itself a catharsis."
"So you're adding doctor to that endless list of occupations you have, are you?"
Eve grins, pressing a kiss to the cheek not covered by her palm. "What can I say? I'm wasted on Stacey's van."
"Get another job, then."
"What, and miss out on my wife's incredible baps? Absolutely not."
"I hope you're not hinting that they're better than mine."
"We are discussing bread, right?"
Suki raises an impish eyebrow, her smile watery.
Eve laughs, smoothing her thumb under her eye to massage the last remaining moisture into her skin. "Love, there is no competition on either counts."
"Good."
"Stacey's win, hands down."
Suki's mouth tumbles open as Eve bursts into peals of self-satisfied laughter.
"That's it," she says. "I'm leaving you."
"What, and cruelly break my heart?"
"You should have thought about that before you went preferring someone else's baps to mine."
They grin at each other, a silent understanding that Suki has mastered her emotions, and Suki moves her hand to the back of Eve's neck, playing with the hair that curls in her nape. Eve sits quietly, letting her have her fill. She's not sure that she ever will. Right now, she needs to be in constant contact with her, to reassure herself that this is real.
"I was so scared," she admits at length. "When I heard, it took me back there again. To that moment when I thought I'd lost you forever. It was one of the darkest moments of my life, Eve. And I never, ever wanted to go back there again."
Eve's eyes soften, and she moves closer so their foreheads are touching. Suki feels the gauze of the bandage against her own skin, and swallows hard.
"Oh, love," says Eve. "I'm so sorry that I made you feel afraid. I really am. But I promise you, you're not gonna lose me like that. As long as you want me, I'm yours."
"I want you forever," Suki whispers. "For as long as I draw breath, and longer still."
"There we go, then. I'm not going anywhere."
Suki presses her forehead harder against Eve's. "Promise me."
"I promise you."
"Because I can't bear the thought of being without you."
"I know. I'd feel exactly the same if I was in your position."
Suki closes her eyes, gripping the back of her neck tighter. She doesn't like to think about that long-ago December night too much. How those five words—the murder of Eve Unwin—had sent her whole world crashing down around her, as devastating as it had been to learn that Jagvir was gone forever. At least back then, consumed by guilt and grief as she'd been, she'd had her children around her. Honey. Losing Eve at that point really would have left her with nothing. No support. No friends. Just the inescapable knowledge that because of her feelings again, another innocent person had lost their life. Someone so warm, so worthy of the world, punished for daring to get too close. For trying to give her hope in a world that had always seemed so hopeless.
She doesn't think the trauma of those few hours will ever truly leave her. But Eve is right. She is here, reassuringly solid, unchanged and hers.
"I should have let Stace tell you straight away," says Eve. "I thought I was doing the right thing, preventing unnecessary worry. But if I'd known that the hospital would tell you anyway, I would have let you hear it from us. Softened the blow a bit."
"There was no softening it," Suki murmurs, rubbing her thumb over the vertebra at the base of Eve's neck. "Now, why don't you get some rest? You must be exhausted."
"You're the one who's travelled half the length of the country to get here. Look at the time. You must be knackered."
"I'm fine. Running on adrenaline."
"That's dangerous. It'll wear off and you'll crash."
"As long as you're there with me, I don't mind. I can get some proper rest later, when we get home."
"Not sure how much rest you'll be getting when there's a houseful tearing around."
"I'll give them my best ice queen impression and insist they have to go after ten minutes so you can be nursed back to health."
"Priya's gonna have something smutty to say about that."
"Well, I'm not completely opposed to the idea of a bit of nurse-patient roleplay. I'm sure I can find something that can pass as a uniform."
"Okay, it needs to be later already," says Eve, and Suki laughs, the final bit of anxiety leeching out of her. Yes, despite all of the heightened emotion of the last few hours, there is nowhere else she'd rather be than by Eve's side, looking upon that dear, battered face, holding her hand.
"Get some rest," she repeats. "I'll still be here when you wake up."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
With that, Eve shuffles until she's lying on her side, as close to the edge of the bed as she can get without falling out. She dangles her right arm out so that Suki can take her hand again, which she does at once, keen to keep that connection between them. With difficulty, she wriggles her feet free of her high heels, swinging her legs up onto the bed on top of Eve's, anything to get herself a little more comfortable too.
And that's how they stay. Hands twined tightly, legs touching around the barrier of the hospital sheets, Eve's head resting on the pathetically flat pillow, Suki laying hers against the back of the hard chair, twisting it so she can keep Eve's face in view.
Suki can't pretend that it won't be a very uncomfortable few hours. But she means it with her whole heart that there's nowhere else she'd rather be than by Eve's side. Feeling the warmth of her hand, listening to the soft sounds of her breaths.
Knowing that no matter what the world tried to throw at them, they would face it fearlessly, head-on, together. Armoured in the fact that she was the first person that Eve would ever turn to in her time of need, aware that no matter how far away she was, Suki would drop everything to be by her side.
Knowing that Eve puts the same importance on her, that if their roles were reversed, Eve would stop at nothing to get to her. That she is safe always with her, never having to fear previous actions being thrown back in her face, or belittled and ridiculed and controlled.
There's peace in this certainty.
Eve's fingers twitch in her own, her breaths deepening. Relaxed enough to sleep, knowing that Suki is there to watch over her.
Suki will never, ever let her go again.