"Hey, Clyde? How's things going for you?" I asked him on facebook. He and I both knew that he was a private friend.
"Well, let's just say I found a way to get revenge on the fatass as well as the elves, since they were the reason for my banishment," Clyde texted, me smiling at that.
"I've actually been thinking about betraying them as well. Their squabbles over a stupid stick are annoying," I texted. I lied. I was trying to fool him into a fake alliance. And what happened.
"Really?! Well, that's awesome! Always good to have a mole on the inside! Okay, I'll let you in on a trade secret. I'm the one that stole the stick! And I've got a weapon that can raise an entire army in seconds. I'm beginning to create it as we speak, courtesy of the new Taco Bell," Clyde said. That made me frown as I knew what he was talking about. The green goop. The stuff that you needed to stay away from or else bad things would happen.
"You're very cunning, Clyde! I'm going to play the others for a fiddle and continue to fool them into thinking I'm on their side. Don't blow the secret too early, lest they try to make an assault on your army too soon," I said to him, me being just as sly as a fox in heat as I then placed the manbearpig tracker on the telephone pole outside of Kyle's house. Yes, I was really doing that before heading off to the destination. And I also did the other two trackers thanks to Bubbles's warping powers, since she could warp me directly into the telephone wires to get me to those areas. It was honestly kinda cool to be an electrical current for a brief few seconds!
"I trust you, Felicia. Do good for me and I'll make sure you're my queen in the coming war," Clyde said, me smirking at that.
"But of course," I texted back as I then smiled widely at what he said.
"So what's going on again?" Bubbles asked me when she was sure no one was around.
"well, apparently clyde is the one who stole the stick of truth... and he said he found a weapon to amass a powerful army... courtesy of the taco bell," I said quietly, her then gasping at that.
"No! Not that stuff! It cannot be controlled!" she said in fear, me then flicking my ear so she'd shut up.
"easy, bubbles. i have him fooled into thinking i'm allied with him. which will be good when i end up double-crossing him. i'm going to show the message to the others at both kupa keep and the elven kingdom. via a screenshot that'll be sent through texting instead of facebook. that way it can't be intercepted," I said, her then sighing.
"Just promise me you'll stop the process before it gets too out of hand?" she asked, me then arriving at the movie theatre and pretending to hold my phone to my ear so the guy at the kiosk didn't get suspicious.
"yes, i promise," I said before then pretending to hang up and looking at the guy. "hey... you have any food that i can eat as of right now?" I asked, him smirking.
"Why yes, in fact, I have a spare enchilada right here. I was going to eat it, but then I pigged out on the popcorn. You want it?" he asked, me nodding as he then gave me the enchilada and I smiled. Perfect for giving me gas powers. "This never happened, right?" he asked, me nodding at him. I then proceeded to eat the spicy delicacy on the way to the mall, where I saw that there was a crowd gathered and that the army guys were blocking the entrance.
"Is this place going to have any specials? Like, is it going to have something special for Taco Tuesdays?" asked one guy. And then, the army guy got on his walkie-talkie and answered it.
"They're asking a lot of questions, boss," he said into it... and thanks to Bubbles's powers, I could hear what was on the other end.
"Hmm... that's a problem. Execute him. We don't need questions. Get them away from here, I'm about to have an important meeting," said a voice I INSTANTLY recognized! It was Commander Eyepatch without a doubt! I'd recognize his voice anywhere, since he destroyed my own! And then, what happened after? They SHOT THE GUY THROUGH THE HEAD! And everyone looked on in shock and fear as the guy's wife knelt down and looked like she was about to cry.
"Get out of here, now! We'll let you know more at a later date," the army guy said as the crowd then dispersed, me using the opportunity to hide myself behind one of the army cars to the left as I then focused... I pulled out a small puff of gas from my ass and spoke into it... I then forced it to be sent to the opposite direction of me, that being the right of the entrance. I then had it speak.
"I'm gonna go over the fence!" it said, that making the army guys gasping and rushing over to that direction, me then using the distraction to rush into the gate, where I then saw another guard, who was standing next to a truck... and I saw the truck had a button on it that could close it on the outside... with no button inside to escape!
"this is perfect," I said with just air as I then sent out another wisp, spoke another phrase into it, and sent it into the truck itself. And once I did, I then had it speak. "Hey, army guy! Nice vagina!" it said, that making the guy go into the truck in anger, me then rushing in and then pushing the button, trapping him inside... but not before I filled the truck with a Stream-a-Stench, which I knew he'd pass out from! I then noticed an antenna on the top of the establishment and, with Bubbles's help, I managed to warp to the roof, where I then went inside the vent shaft and managed to find the meeting room immediately, me then seeing the asshole in the flesh. He was currently talking to some other army officials as well as some secret agent staff.
"So, what's the issue this time?" he asked as I noted they were recording it on a small recording device.
"The green goo that's leaking from the ship has entered the town's water supply," one of the soldiers said. What was this going to mean, I thought...
"Are the effects the same as last time?" Commander Eyepatch asked.
"Yes..." the army guy said as he then pushed a button to reveal that there was a cell behind a wall... and that within it was... a zombie?! But not just any zombie...
"Heil Hitler! Tod der Jews!" it shouted angrily.
"Dammit... Nazi zombies! It's so overdone! So cliche!... It looks like we have no choice, then. We're going to need to bomb the vicinity. Blow up at least 10 whole blocks in this town and then blame it on a gas line explosion or an earthquake. And make sure nobody says a word, got it?" he said seriously, me gulping at that... he was going to destroy the entire town?! And then blame it on an earthquake?! Who was this guy to be so cruel and callous?!
"Meeting's adjourned, then. I'll leave this recording device here for now. We'll pick it up after we come back from a bathroom break," the officer said, me then waiting until all of them were out of the room before I then had Bubbles warp me into the room via one of the computers. I then grabbed the recording device and put it into my pocket before then hearing a large commotion outside.
"A-AAAUGH! IT'S ESCAPED! DON'T LET IT OUT!" exclaimed one of the soldiers, followed by gunfire... before I then heard silence... before a single voice afterwards.
"HEIL HITLER! HEIL DEUTSCHLAND!" shouted out the voice of a Nazi Zombie on the other side of the door, me then knowing I had to do something... but I didn't want to get Commander Eyepatch to know it was me... I then got a bright idea that was so stupid, it just might work! I grabbed the lighter from my excursion to Jimmy's place yesterday and then opened the door after sucking air into my ass... I then let it rumble as the Nazi Zombie proceeded to notice and rush me... and then, just before it could grab hold of me, I lit the match along with my fart, making the Banshee Scream completely toast the zombie into ashes while also making the place catch on fire! I then rushed out of there via the electrical systems with Bubbles's assitance all the way to the movie theatre, where I saw... my efforts were wasted. There were already other Nazi Zombies in the town... and one of them managed to get the one in the movie theatre kiosk!
"this... is very bad..." I gulped as I then noted that Al Gore was still hiding, the zombies unaware of his presence for some reason. I appeared from the telephone pole next to him and he looked at me in surprise.
"Oh! Is that you, fellow Al-Gorian?" he asked, me nodding and shushing him as I then pointed to the west, where a few Nazi Zombies were currently biting and eating a regular person. "O-Oh... I see... meet me in my secret garage. I already see you put up the manbearpig trackers, so that should be enough to sniff him out. I'll friend you on Facebook so long as you escort me to my storage unit," he said, me nodding as I then led him to the area in question, me needing to slice the heads off of a few zombies with a spare weapon I'd found outside of the farm in the form of a sickle, which was very sharp. And once we got to the garage, he then opened it and went inside, us breathing in a sigh of relief when we noted that the zombies that tried to get inside were unable to figure out how to open the door from the bottom-up.
"Thank you, fellow Al-Gorian... I thought I was a goner! Here, I'll friend you on Facebook. I'll alert you if I find anything out about manbearpig's location, okay?" he said, me nodding at him.
"make sure you keep your brain and body protected... maybe wear some kind of padding in case the zombies do find their way in here..." I said, him nodding as I then proceeded to warp through the electric the whole way to the community center, since it was nearing 3pm. And once done, I headed in there at the same time as some of the townsfolk, who looked like they were very spooked, me then going up to the podium alongside the important folks.
"You came back alive! W-Well, what'd you find out?" asked Kyle's mom, me then reversing the tape on the recorder that I'd gotten to the start, us then hearing what the voices said on it.
"The green goo that's leaking from the ship has entered the town's water supply,"
"Are the effects the same as before?"
"Yes..."
"Heil Hitler! Tod der Jews!"
"Dammit... Nazi Zombies! It's so overdone... so cliche! It looks like we have no choice, then. We're going to need to bomb the vicinity. Blow up at least 10 whole blocks in this town and then blame it on a gas line explosion or an earthquake. And make sure nobody says a word, got it?" the recorder said, the community center standing in complete silence at what was said, all of them baffled at what they heard.
"Oh... my god... not only are the army trying to cover up an alien spaceship... but they're also going to bomb out entire town off the face of the earth?!" asked none other than Kenny's mom.
"W-What are we going to do?! W-We can't just sit around and let them do this!" another person said, me noting that it was Tweek's mother, me not liking her because of what she did to her kid, but knowing not to say anything.
"I'll tell you what we're going to do," I said into the microphone as I then tapped my ear, making Bubbles appear from my ear. "Bubbles, the probe in my ear. You know any weakness that the Nazi Zombie-inducing green goo might have?" I asked, her then speaking afterwards.
"There is only one way to prevent the Nazi Zombies from losing control of their mind. They need to hear music, very catchy music. It will make their mind fight the green goop's control. But when they stop hearing music, then they'll revert back to their crazed states within only a single hour," she said, that making the townsfolk nod afterwards.
"But then what about the military? How do we stop the bomb from blowing all of us up?" asked Mister Mackey, who looked even more concerned than when I blew up a hole in the school yesterday.
"Leave that to me and Mister Marsh. If we can find out where they'll put the bomb, we can find a way to deactivate it," I said as I remembered one more thing. I managed to deactivate numerous bombs in the past, all of them being diffused to stop terror attacks in progress. And how did I do this without dying? I was very good at it, that's all!
"O-Okay... we all know to keep absolutely silent on this. Since they said that asking questions would end up with us dead. All agreed, say I," Kyle's mom asked.
"I!" the entire place shouted.
"Unanimous motion carried!" I smirked as Randy then gave me the sign that I had to get prior and I then held it up for him to take a picture of, him then sending it to me as the people started to file out of the place.
"So tell me, who is the girl in the probe as of right now? Another alien?" Randy asked me.
"I was a female grey on the ship, and thus, I was treated as a slave by my male superiors. I am also the one who freed the captured aliens within the probes... but since the government would kill me the moment they saw me, I hid myself in the probe... it was Felicia's idea,' she said, me smiling at that.
"Well, thanks for finding this out for us, kid. We'll need to learn more, but we will save this town yet," Randy said, us then leaving to find that some others were combating a few passing Nazi Zombies with some catchy tunes that I'd heard on the radio, one of them being "Happy" by Pharrel Williams. And the zombies were able to become who they were prior after hearing the tune, some of the people giving them the advice after about listening to the music nonstop.
I then proceeded to do one final thing while on the way to the goths. I sent the screenshot of my messaging with Clyde to both Cartman and to Kyle via text message. And after I did so, I immediately got a text back from Cartman.
"NO FUCKING WAY! What the hell is this, Felicia?!" Cartman texted me as Kyle then texted his message.
"So it's true! Clyde DID take the stick! But what's this about you joining him as a queen?!" Kyle texted. I simply texted both of them the same thing.
"Easy. I was lying to him. I'm trying to fool him into thinking I'm allied with him when I'm really against him. He's playing with green goo from the spaceship, which I have learned does bad things to anything it touches. He plans to raise an army of obedient underlings using this green goo," I texted to them, that making them think a bit before I then got a text back from Cartman.
"Whoa... that's actually a fuckin' smart move! And texting it to me instead of Facebook is also smart!... So what does this mean?" Cartman asked as I then texted him, since Kyle hadn't texted back yet.
"It means that, until we can defeat Clyde at his own game, the elves and the humans will need to work together... I'm on my way to recruit the goths to our side, but we'll need more help to defeat Clyde's group," I texted. And after?
"Rgh... why would I ally with Kyle?" he asked as I then texted him again.
"Because this green goo turns both living and dead things into Nazi Zombies. If you want to learn more, just look in the streets and you'll see a few already walking around," I texted.
"Whoa... that doesn't sound good," Cartman texted, me nodding at that.
"Text Kyle telling him that we're teaming up to defeat Clyde. He's a danger to the whole town." Cartman then finally caved.
"Ugh... FINE! But it is only temporary! Once Clyde is defeated, we're enemies again," he said, me smirking at that.
"Fine," I texted back with a smirk, having arrived at the back of the school to see the goths, who were still listening to their music.
"hey... i got the photo... as well as learned of what the government is doing at that site," I said as I then handed them the phone and showed them the photo.
"Whoa... she really did it!" Pete said, that making Michael frown, but nod.
"Well, you did it... so what'd you find out at the government's Taco Bell?" Michael asked.
"that there's green goo coming from the spaceship... it got into the water supply for the town... and anything that touches it turns into a nazi zombie..." I said, that making Henrietta gasp.
"What?!" she gawked, actually showing emotion.
"and to prevent the spread, the government wants to blow up the town... and then blame it all on a gas line explosion or an earthquake," I said, that making the rest just as surprised.
"Oh... my god... where would we brood, then?" Firkle asked.
"I don't want to die! I still haven't gotten a first kiss!" Henrietta said with concern.
"ENOUGH!" Michael shouted, that making the other goths shut up. "Listen, Doomahkiin. We're not going to let these assholes destroy this town. Whatever you want us to do, give us a text on Facebook and we'll be there, got it?" he said, me nodding.
"thanks," I said as all four of them then added me, me smirking at that. "by the way, don't tell anyone else that was my original facebook name... when around other conformists, refer to me as felicia... keep in mind, the government is hunting me, including commander eyepatch, who is in town as we speak... he's the one that almost ruined my voice," I said, them nodding at me.
"You got it," Michael said as I then left them and proceeded back to Kupa Keep, seeing that the time was now 4 PM... that and Al Gore had sent me 29 different Facebook updates in the past couple hours.
And every single one of them was talking about manbearpig. I had to respond because I needed to ask him to stop spamming.
"Hey, Al? I know you're concerned about manbearpig, but keep in mind, that's the least of our concerns after what we both saw. And texting this much could result in your account getting flagged," I texted him.
"Oh... sorry. You're right," Al Gore said back, me smiling at that... would he stop though? I had to hope.