PLEASE READ THIS FIRST!!!

I'm officially moving up the rating to M.

Warning!!! this chapter includes a form of self harm, thoughts on suicide and conditioned low self esteem. If you struggle with something similar, please skip to the bottom where I have prepared a summary! I myself cried so much while writing this (due to empathy, not because I ever wanted to harm myself!). Please, please be careful and know your own limits.

be safe.

I'll mark the part on self harm in the text if you only want to skip this part. (like this: *scene*)

Chapter 11

The evening was a tedious but happy one. The evening meal was shared with the entire clan and many people came to both Lo'ak and his parents to voice their relief.

Lo'ak had insisted they wouldn't tell anyone who it was that left him outside the reef, but there were several APIs of parents glaring at their sons, not the least Tonowari and Ronal. His son had not yet spoken to the chief's son again, the hurt too new as to confront his tormentor. Ao'nung looked disgruntled and angry for most of the time, but kept quiet as if in deep thought. Tsireya on the other hand sat with the Sully family, celebrating with them, keeping close to Lo'ak, who seemed glad to have her near. She also was furious with her brothers actions and refused to talk to him for some time.

Jake was by far not the brightest when it came to emotions, but a little nudge and conspiratorial looks from Neytiri made even him see the long looks and blushes between the two teens. Jake was unsure how he felt about that.

"Your son resembles you very much sometimes." Neytiri whispered. She probably meant it as a joke, that Lo'ak also fell for the chief's daughter and his teacher, so Jake laughed, even if it sounded a little strained to his ears.

That poked at an old wound he always hoped that would heal, but sadly it never did.

He thought he had passed this phase in his life. The phase where every wrong in his life was ultimately his fault. Had he been better, smarter, kinder… more than he was now, or even if he was not at all. If he just ceased existing.

It started when his father left. His mother said it was his fault, that Jake was not good enough. He had accepted her words and stayed out of her sight, how she had wished it. He distanced himself from his brother, who was so very perfect in comparison to himself. Jake would surely taint him, so he stayed away from Tom.

But that was not enough.

Everything he did was not enough because Tommy was beaten and abused, because Jake could never get even the bare minimum right, he was not good enough, not smart enough. People were hurting because of him, especially Tommy, who had always loved him. Of course, he forgave Jake, because Tommy was kind and good. Tommy was strong enough to carry what Jake was supposed to carry.

Jake admired his strength, so he decided to become a soldier when he was only seventeen years old.

For years he trained and fought to become a strong and dependable person, someone that was good enough. Someone who could protect instead of destroy, and for a single year, he felt like he could do anything. He went up through the ranks at a speed that was uncommon for someone so young. He was promoted to Corporal and small Team Leader at the age of 21. Three months later he was shot, and when he woke up, there was Tommy by his side. They told him he would not walk again if he could not afford the surgery that could have been done in half an hour.

The Army discharged him with honours, though they would not fund his surgery. In their eyes, he was not worth it.

Again, Jake was just the kid who was not good enough, and now he couldn't even protect anyone anymore.

Not for the first time in his life, Jake hated himself.

Tommy was there with him, he helped any way he could, and Jake loved him for it. His love though, could not hide his self-hatred, so he screamed and shouted at Tommy. He threw out the harshest words that cut into Tommy like he wished they would cut into himself. All this anger and shame made him feel numb to the outside world.

Tommy refused to leave him, so Jake verbally attacked him for three days in a row. Every time Tommy helped him to reposition in his chair, when he went to bed or when he got pain meds for Jake, every time he'd let out cutting remarks on how Tommy did all this just to feel better about himself, that he actually wanted to be rid of Jake as well.

Tommy disagreed and told Jake that he was the only person he truly loved.

When Jake told him not to come back for a week, Tommy left to respect his wishes. Over a month passed before Jake was told his brother had died - mugged and stabbed in the chest for the money in his wallet.

Jake agreed to everything the agents told him. He agreed to leave Earth to travel to Pandora because that is what Tommy would have wanted him to do - study some of his precious plants for him - because there was nothing Jake would do anymore for his own sake.

Jake knew that Tommy's death was his fault.

There was no one in his life anymore that saw worth in him, so he found comfort when they told him he could sleep for six years. Sleep sounded good, especially the eternal one.

In honour of his brother's love and care, he refused to end his own life. Tommy wouldn't have wanted it, so Jake kept fighting. He did not know what for, but he kept fighting anyway. Fighting was the only thing he was good at.

Grace Augustine was a smart woman. With one look, she saw what had taken him years to realize - Jake was a poor excuse in comparison to his brother.

He was simply not good enough, not as good as Tom. He missed his brother terribly, and again he promised himself to go on. Tom wanted Jake to live, so Jake would live as best as he could.

When he first woke up in his Avatar, Jake was able to forget his self-hatred for a while. The rush of being able to use his legs reminded him of that one year he had been useful - when he was good enough. Reality crashed into him soon after. He agreed to help Quaritch because it allowed him to dream that maybe he could go back to that one year of his life, with a working pair of legs.

He knew nothing would be the same, because Tommy was gone and a big Part of Jake had died with him.

Then, in one moment, everything changed. It was a banal day, similar to many others he had spent with the Omatikaya clan. It was during dinner, and Neytiri had made fun of him. He gave her a sarcastic reply and made her giggle. At that moment, he realized that he loved her. If he could stay by her side forever, he could live his life and not view it as torture.

Sadly, that moment came too late. He got through challenge to become Ikran Makto and was accepted into the clan. Neytiri's eyes had glowed with pride for him, and he fell for her even more. That day, she also chose him, and in his selfish desire for her, he did not warn her that he would always be a disappointment. It would only be a matter of time before she noticed.

Not even ten hours later Neytiri regretted her choice, and Jake honestly felt sorry for deceiving her. She should have been given the world, but instead she was tricked into choosing him. He, who was never good enough.

He who had brought misfortune to everyone her ever loved.

Hometree had fallen, and Jake knew it was his fault.

The feeling of complete apathy and lack of self-worth had burned deep into his mind. He stood surrounded by ash and felt right at home. The world around him was burnt and dead, just like he was in his mind.

He reminded himself to keep on fighting, for Tom, and even for Neytiri.

She might not want him anymore, but he still wanted her to have the world. So he fought for her home, for the place that Tommy had wanted to come to. He fought for his own hope to maybe protect the one place that had given him the ability to hope again.

They won over the humans, though many good people had lost their lives. He wished the humans had never come here, including himself.

Miraculously, Neytiri forgave him for all the hurt he had caused her. Jake was grateful, though he did not think it was a wise decision on her part. But because he was a selfish man at the age of only 22, he decided to try to make her as happy as she could be. She wanted a big family, and he would give her everything she wanted, always.

Neteyam was born first. That small blue bundle of joy made him realize why Tommy had loved him all this time. There was no greater love than the one he felt for his family. This love covered many of his past wounds, but it never healed them. Kirk and Lo'ak, and even Spider to some degree, entered his family. The odd looks they received from other members, the taunts they had to listen to; everything that made them feel bad was due to human DNA in their genes, his DNA.

His children were hurting because of him. Jake wished again that the humans had never come to Pandora.

His children could be someone else's kids, and they would be better off. But he could not change the past, so he accepted again that everything about him was flawed.

Jake knew he was not good enough for his family…again.

His heart withered away more and more, and Neytiri noticed this. She struggled to help him, and he loved her for it. Before he ever repeated the scenario of the fight with Tom, he pressed down on all his feelings and started to smile again. He smiled only for her. So Neytiri relaxed a little.

Weeks later, she presented him with a necklace with twin stones, and Jake cried a little. He had nearly forgotten his promise to Tommy. He had to be good enough for his family, actually, he had to be perfect for them. So each time it came to his family, he would first think of what Tommy would do in his stead. Because Tommy had always been perfect in Jake's eyes.

They had another child: Tuk. He only barely hid his immense relief that his baby girl looked nothing like himself. She would be the spitting image of her mother, like her older brother Neteyam. He had not cursed them with his looks, like he had cursed his Lo'ak. Jake was not sure if he could ever make it up to his young son that he had to shoulder his fathers burdens. Not when his son deserved far better than Jake as a father.

Kiri was wonderful. She looked just like Grace, and if her resemblance went beyond her looks, Kiri would be a force to be reckoned with, just like her mother had been. She would be as smart as her mother as well. so every day that Kiri saw value in him he thanked his lucky stars. The time would come when her attitude would change, and Jake was okay with that. He deserved her judgment. When that time came, he would make it easy for her to forget him and replace him with someone better.

He knew he did not deserve her childish love, even though he craved it every day.

Spider was Na'vi in spirit, and he was incredibly strong. That child gave him hope that humans could adapt, that Jake could fully adapt. Spider ran, played, talked, and fought just like any other child. Spider was a better person than Jake could ever dream to be, so he gave him shelter as best as he could. Neytiri disliked Spider for being human, and even though it shouldn't, it hurt Jake.

Still, he kept on fighting for Spider because Spider was not unworthy, unlike Jake. Neytiri allowed it grudgingly.

Years passed, and Jake felt he was improving. His smiles felt sincere now, and he commanded respect from his people.

Then they returned, and Jake felt deep down that it was his fault. Pandora would have been better off if the humans had never set foot on it.

He fought for years, as best as he could, but it was never enough. His sons began to get into trouble, and due to fear and stress, his patience with them was often insufficient. He hated himself every time he looked into their big, golden, hurting eyes.

Jake felt so undeserving of their love, so unworthy of his status as their father.

When he saw Quaritch threatening Lo'ak while hunting for Jake, Jake knew he could not protect his family. Spider was taken, but Jake knew that boy was stronger than anyone. He would fight, unlike Jake, who was unable to do so. So he persuaded Neytiri to flee with their family, even though he knew it would break all their hearts.

He hated himself for being so useless. If he had been better, they could have stayed, but he was not. They packed up their things and left. The bloody cut on his chest went untreated because of his wish. He flew at the front so his family would not see how the cut bled for hours more beneath his clothes. The pain kept him awake, and the necklace on his chest kept him alive.

He never wanted to be their cause of pain ever again. Instead he wanted to carry all of their pain instead.

Jake's resolve was tested two days later when the Metkayina Tsahik called his children demons. He diffused the situation the best he could and insisted that Lo'ak and Kiri were innocent of their father's crimes. He would have to apologize to Kiri for calling her his biological child. She did not deserve this.

He tried his absolute best to channel Tom's behavior for the next couple of weeks. He prepared gifts, befriended the Metkayina, especially Tonowari, who was a wonderful friend. He got his children and mate to smile again. Even though Neytiri was very resistant to change, she allowed her mind to open up to the new way of life due to Jake's efforts.

Neytiri was so strong and so incredibly loving, Jake knew she deserved better than him. She would be sad if she ever heard that from him, so he kept his mouth shut. His wonderful mate should never doubt his love for her, so he would not openly doubt her decision to mate him.

Their kids became gradually happier, but of course, that happiness could not last for long. Lo'ak got into a fight that Neteyam joined in on. Several teens had taunted Kiri for her heritage and Lo'ak for being a demon.

Again, his children were hurting because of him.

He desperately tried to convince Ao'nung that it was not his children's but Jake's fault that they looked like they did. He just wanted them safe, which wouldn't happen if the Metkayina refused to shelter them any longer. So he was as kind as possible to the boy. But again his efforts were not good enough. Lo'ak was left outside the reef and nearly died.

Jake knew it was his fault.

He was so unbelievably lucky that Lo'ak had been saved by the Tulkun, but his guilt remained. The night they returned safe and sound, Jake was unable to sleep.

He had left the pod with his peacefully sleeping family behind.

He was glad that Kiri had not awoken when he extracted himself from her cuddling. She barely ever cuddled with him anymore. She was much too mature for that now, but the relief of having Lo'ak back made her crave some physical contact. Why she chose Jake for comfort was beyond him.

It was hard for him to leave, but his mind was so tortured with guilt and shame that he had to seek relief. His body was strong, but not his mind. Maybe his body could endure some of the pain he went through. He wandered far along the beach, even went out into the water to swim as long as he could before his arms and legs were exhausted. The pain of his burning muscles felt good, but barely helped with hurting mind.

He found some secluded columns of stone that gave him an Idea. He dove down into the reef and found a round rock, the size of his own head. He grabbed it and struggled to get it back to the surface. The burn of his lungs and the adrenaline that flooded his numb system at the fear of drowning exhilarated him, but he got back to the surface before he could actually drown.

Jake climbed up the sharp rock, using the stone to help him despite the pain it caused his right palm. He struggled for some time before finally reaching the top.

Despite his body screaming with exhaustion, his mind wouldn't let him sleep. He needed relief, so Jake knelt down on the uncomfortable and uneven ground, facing west. Although the sun was hours away from rising, he wanted to see it rise at the right time.

*

He carefully lifted the rock and placed it on his lap. At first, the weight was uncomfortable, but it would become immensely painful in only a few minutes. Half an hour later, his shins were bleeding, and after an hour, he couldn't keep his head up. After three hours, the sun started to rise. His mind had calmed down a little, and sleep overwhelmed him. The rock kept his legs in place as his torso slumped over. His arms were able to brace his head before he hit the stone, and then he fell into a dreamless sleep.

*

Kiri woke up at sunrise to find her family still fast asleep. She felt cold, which confused her greatly. When she had gone to sleep, she had cuddled into her father's embrace, and he had been so warm.

Kiri always felt incredibly safe in Jake's arms. She had to force herself to stop her habit of crawling into his arms because Tuk needed him more than her, and she did not want to become dependent on his cuddles.

She turned around and found him missing, which unsettled her a little at first. But then she remembered that Jake usually went hunting with the Metkayina hunters early in the morning. He would return before midday with a lot of tasty fish to eat and some presents if he found something pretty on his hunt. She caressed her bracelet made from all the pretty shells and stones that he had brought back for her. She really loved the blue stones.

Like each of her siblings, they had received a similar stone when they still lived in the forest. Her mother had never explained what it meant, but she saw the same necklace on her father for over ten years, with the two blue stones, and knew that they were important to him. Now these new stones were just as important to her. They symbolized her father's love for her.

She had felt insecure for some time when they told her she was adopted. Kiri feared that her parents would not love her like all her siblings, but that fear was laid to rest when Jake held her close to his chest and whispered how much he loved and adored her. Since then, her fathers arms were her favourite place to be.

She had even told Tuk once that Jake was so strong that his presence alone could shoo away all her bad dreams. Tuk believed her, and when the sky people returned, Tuk barely slept anywhere else but in Jake's arms. Kiri could not bring herself to regret her choice, even if she now had to give up her favourite place to Tuk. Sometimes she wished to be small again, so they could both fit into his arms.

She dozed off for a little longer, before the cold wind finally rose and she got dressed. Well, not really dressed, she just added her other accessories like her necklace and anklets, then she threw on her new shawl. It was soft and colorful, just like she preferred them to be.

Neteyam was also awake now and smiled at her in greeting. She smiled back and signed to him that she would take a short walk by the beach and would be back in half an hour or so. He agreed easily, so she went off.

The sun rose with a plethora of bright colors, dazzling her with its beauty. She enjoyed it so much, but there was the slightest feeling of dread when she looked at the brighter reds of the sky. Today that color looked less inviting and more like a warning.

She walked to the beach where she saw some of the women who had helped her with her presents. They greeted her kindly, and she waved back with a bright smile.

"It's such a beautiful morning, isn't it?" Mehria, a young mother of two troublesome toddler boys, asked.

"Indeed it is. I woke up early to take a walk and just watch the sun rise," Kiri said, earning her some more kind smiles.

"What a beautiful thing to say, little one," Mehria replied.

"By the way, Tireyk asked me if your father had something to do. He didn't show up for the hunt earlier this morning. They waited for nearly an hour before they left without him." Tireyk was Mehria's mate and a good friend of Tonowari. He was also on friendly terms with Jake because they usually teamed up on hunts. Kiri was surprised to hear that.

"When I woke up, he was already gone. I thought he went out with the others?" Both of the women shook their heads in confusion.

"Maybe he wanted to try hunting alone? It is much harder but brings honor to attempt it. I guessed he would tell the others before that, though," Ra'ki guessed. She was much older than Mehria, and both her daughters were already having their own little ones. Her mate was Solon, a kind but stoic man who barely spoke.

"There was a lot going on yesterday. Maybe Dad just forgot to tell the others. I hope they weren't angry with him," Kiri reasoned.

"Don't you worry, child. Your father is quite the likable person, and we understand there is a lot going on for him. It is incredible how calm he stayed throughout that whole disaster!" Ra'ki soothed her.

"If he ever needs help, we would be glad to lend a hand. You all have not been here for long, but you work so hard already," Kiri relaxed at her words. She couldn't allow all of Jake's hard work to go down the drain just because he didn't show up for one hunt. But it still unsettled her. Her father was always punctual and dependable. He had to be to lead the Omatikaya for over seventeen years. But there was no trace of him now.

When she returned to the pod, she saw her mother handing out breakfast to her siblings and joined in easily enough. Her mother noticed something off and took Kirk's hand. Without a word, she asked her daughter what was troubling her. She told them that Jake probably went out on a solo hunt for the first time but forgot to tell Tonowari in advance. Neytiri frowned, noticing how unusual that behavior was for her mate too.

"Maybe he went for a run to let off some steam," Lo'ak said. Jake had taught him how to manage stress by taking his son along on long runs through the forest until they both came back exhausted and happier.

"Yes, you might be right," Kiri mused. "Anyway, he will be back in both occasions. We will start our lessons soon, so we should hurry a little. I don't want to make Tsireya wait for us."

Neteyam distinctively let out Ao'nung, who was also in charge of their training, and everyone noticed. Lo'ak gave an uneasy smile but hurriedly finished his food.

They left the pod shortly after and went to the beach. The sun had risen so far that Kiri had left behind her shawl behind in the pod, thanks to the heat. Tsireya was waiting for them next to her Rotxo and Ao'nung, greeting them with a wide smile.

"I thought we may take our Ilu's out for a ride. Are you interested? You can freely explore the whole reef, as long as you don't go further out," Tsireya said. Both Ao'nung and Lo'ak flinched at her words, but she steadily ignored that.

"Lo'ak, do you want to come with me?" she asked in a kind voice, and Lo'ak agreed. "How about Neteyam goes with Rotxo, and Ao'nung can guide both Tuk and Kiri?" Tsireya asked, but Neteyam disagreed.

"I'll be with him. I won't let him near my siblings," his words were quiet but icy cold in their fury. Ao'nung just nodded, accepting and regretful for his actions the previous day.

Rotxo swam over to Kiri and Tuk, greeting them in the traditional way. He was a kind boy with a warm smile. Tuk liked him immediately and told him in a mock whisper that she actually wanted to collect some shells to make more bracelets for her new friends. He agreed to help the little girl before looking at the older sister.

"Would that be fine with you as well, Kiri?" he asked.

"Would it be okay if I go out on a ride alone? I want to have some time to myself, actually," Kiri replied, and Rotxo agreed after some thought."

You can ride your Ilu so well, that you probably don't need me to look after you. Just promise to be careful?" She agreed to his terms and gave Tuk a quick Kiss to the forehead. She then called for her Ilu, who she had yet to name, and swam off. She told her Ilu to take her wherever she liked, as long as it was within the reef, and so the gentle creature did.

They dove for more than half an hour before they found a swirling mass of tiny golden fish, the equivalent of the forests' Atokirina. She swam near, and as soon as she was only a couple of feet away, the swarm started to swirl around her, conveying a certain urgency. They then swam off in one direction, and Kiri decided to follow them.

They led her into a far-off part of the reef, where there were several sharp rock formations that she had to navigate carefully. At one column, the swarm started circling again. Kiri looked around carefully before she noticed other fish grouping up at one part of the column, as if they were feeding on something. She was unable to determine what it was, so she decided to go up to the surface to see.

What she saw shocked her a little. Blood dripped into the water at a slow pace, leading all the way to the top. Kiri was unable to see what had lost the blood. She decided to climb the boulder and see what it was, fervently hoping it was nothing dangerous. Her father would have a heart attack if she got into more trouble, and Lo'ak's disappearance was quite enough for the week.

Kiri was careful to climb the sharp and slippery wall but nearly fell when her head was able to glance over the edge. A very familiar form lay slumped in a small pool of blood. It was Jake, and he wasn't moving!

Summary:

Jake remembers major events in his life where he was sure he was not enough or at fault. His thought's got triggered by Lo'ak's visit outside the reef and now he is unable to calm down. He journeys to a secluded spot of the reef an exhaust himself with hard physical tasks. He even went so far to cause himself pain, so that the pain in his mind could be exchanged for physical pain. He faints before sunrise.

Kiri wakes up and wonders where Jake is. She remembers some fond memories with him. Kiri goes out on a walk and finds out that Jake missed the morning hunt, which is unusual for him. She is not yet worried so she returns to her family. As a family they discuss Jake and his disappearance but decide not to worry. They leave for their lessons where Kiri decides to take a ride with her Ilu. She finds a swarm of golden fish that lead her to her unconscious father.

If this sudden change in mood was too sudden then I'm sorry. I tried to hint at Jake's condition in earlier chapters but was not sure how bad it would get until I wrote this chapter.

Still I hope you enjoyed the read.