Finally, a new chapter!
I'm sorry for taking so long to update, but life! Why am I not rich so I can spend my days writing instead of working? Not fair. *snorts*
Anyway, here's a new chapter to celebrate my birthday (16/07) and the fact that I'm on vacation! How I love sharing the same month as Sasuke 333 I wonder if I should write something for his birthday.
Unfortunately, I decided against extending the last scene of the previous chapter. There will be more Kamui/Sasuke goodness at some point, I promise. After all, we all know how this is going to end for them, despite the current drama.
Also, forgive the fact that this is a "necessary evil" chapter, but I do want to get the story going because there's still a lot to happen in the Endō Kamui parts and I want to get back on track with the main plot.
With this said, on with the show!
Unbetaed. Forgive the unforgivable typos, please.
From Which We'll Rise
Part XXXII: Endō Kamui V
Sasuke stared at the unfamiliar ceiling of Kamui's room as he lay on his back on the messed-up futon under him. The only source of light came from the streetlamps outside, but it was enough to see clearly, and aside from the still too-loud sound of rowdy people downstairs, it was strangely peaceful.
Sasuke had no idea what time it was, but it had to be late. He didn't know how much time had passed since he and Kamui had stepped foot inside the room and resumed their very impulsive (and feisty) interlude, but it had felt like hours. At the same time, he had the feeling that it had all happened far too quickly, like a day's long dream in a five-minute nap.
His erratic heartbeat had finally subsided, and his naked body was only now cooling down. His muscles were sore, and he felt exhausted, yet fully satiated in ways he couldn't even begin to process. It was an odd, foreign feeling, but he couldn't be bothered to try and rationalize it if he tried.
Sasuke didn't want to think about anything at all.
His skin was sticky with sweat and fluids, and his hair was a tangled mess, he knew, but he felt nothing short of amazing. A fly was buzzing somewhere above him, and his eyes absently searched for it as his hearing focused on the sounds of Kamui using the sink to wash up in the bathroom.
It was a strangely comforting sound that made Sasuke feel lazy and content. There was the chance that he might feel differently once he came down from the blissful post-sex high, but for now, he was fine not thinking about anything at all and not feeling anything other than the satisfaction of a complete lack of remorse.
Vaguely, he wondered why that was. He also wondered why he'd been fighting this when giving in had been so easy and without bitter afterthoughts.
Ah, that's right. He didn't fully trust Kamui before. It seemed like a long-lost thought, too.
A little dazed, he brought the tips of his fingers to his lips. His mouth was sore. For someone who'd been so fussy about kissing, Kamui had been excited about it, and Sasuke couldn't remember a time when he'd had sex when so much kissing and general mouth service had been involved.
Kamui was an intense yet expectedly caring lover; his affection poured out of him with the same raw honesty he used with everything else, and he was oddly more of a pleaser than a pleasure seeker. Although, Sasuke mused, as far as pleasure was concerned, Kamui certainly had his fill, too.
Releasing a quiet sigh, Sasuke slowly moved into a sitting position, leisurely scanning the small room and easily spotting the mess on the floor of crumpled clothes, dirty tissues, and used condoms and their respective empty packs. The mess they had made was impressive, and also a little unsettling.
Twisting his nose, he got to his feet and, after wiping himself, did a quick cleanup by picking it all up and throwing it into the small trash can in the corner of the room next to the sliding door. He also straightened out the futon while checking for stains, but thankfully, no fluids could be seen.
Their clothes were scattered but not dirty, so he also picked them up and folded them as neatly as possible, pushing them to a corner of the room. He would have to get dressed at some point, but only after showering. Also, his underwear was a mess, so he didn't know what to do about that. Hopefully, Kamui had another clean pair lurking around somewhere.
Right now, he didn't want to think of anything in particular or worry about pointless things.
Satisfied that the room was now decent enough to not mess with his nervous system, Sasuke looked over his shoulder to the open window, from where an inviting warm breeze sneaked in. Pausing for a moment, he listened as the water stopped running before Kamui coughed a bit. It was only after a few seconds that he realized there was a stupid smile on his face, so he quickly erased it, not without a bit of self-exasperation.
There was something very stupid and childish about the carefree way he felt, and he wasn't sure if he liked it.
To distract himself, he rummaged through the pile of their belongings until he found Kamui's pouch, so he could look for his pack of cigarettes and lighter. There was in him a morbid curiosity to know what the hype was about cigarettes after sex, and it wasn't as though he wanted it or needed it, but he certainly felt the sudden need to distract himself with something mundane but out of his ordinary life.
He found a porcelain ashtray Kamui had brought in when they first arrived, putting the pack and lighter inside before carrying them over to the window. Placing the ashtray on the windowsill, he easily fished a cigarette from the pack and lit it, and this time, he was ready for the slightly stinging sensation of smoke filling the back of his throat.
It wasn't unpleasant, and the light buzz hit him quickly. As he slowly expelled the smoke, he still couldn't see the appeal, yet he felt another inexplicable wave of contentment wash over him.
The streets outside were empty and eerily quiet. The breeze caressing his flushed cheeks and skin was a blessing, and for a second, he vaguely wondered how life would be if he could feel this soothing sense of ease every day, with not a care in the world, nothing major to do, and nothing to bother him.
While he loved to keep himself busy, it didn't seem like a bad idea at all.
Life would be so much easier if everything in his path did not demand so much deliverance from him all the damn time.
Granted, he did put that weight on himself willingly. Without premeditation, he had placed upon himself the burden that he would do as much as he could—for himself, for people, and for the Shinobi world.
With everything he had to do, it was easy to forget how draining it all was. On the other hand, there was no doubt that his life was full and, to a certain extent, fulfilled. He felt like he had lived ten lifetimes already.
The bathroom door squeaked open, and Sasuke could hear Kamui's naked feet as they approached him. When Kamui came to a halt next to him, Sasuke looked at him from the corner of his eyes as the man leaned his side on the wall next to the window, facing him, still just as naked as Sasuke himself was and ridiculously attractive under the moonlight. Sasuke still found his eyes wandering over details that were now too familiar, despite having had time to appreciate every crevice and curve of that body.
Despite Kamui's skin being a caramel color, bite and scratch marks could be seen on his neck and chest, respectively.
Sasuke was torn between guilt and amusement, but those marks looked far too good on that incredible body.
Kamui smiled softly and said, "You better not pick up a bad habit because of me," indicating Sasuke's cigarette between his fingers with his chin.
"I was just killing time," Sasuke muttered with a dismissive shrug. "And wondering if it would feel good to smoke after sex. It's just the dumbest and most popular cliché."
Kamui snorted. "What is your conclusion, then?"
"It certainly puts you in a contemplative mood," Sasuke retorted. He offered the cigarette to Kamui, who accepted it.
"Thanks."
The man seemed relaxed, perfectly content, and not at all at odds with what happened between them. Sasuke attentively watched Kamui bring the cigarette to his lips, gently expel the smoke, and then promptly put it out on the ashtray on the windowsill.
Kamui's demeanor aroused a sense of curiosity in Sasuke, as so many things about him did, and he couldn't help but wonder how things had developed in such a way between them and how they had so successfully gone through every stage of sex as if it were a daily occurrence between them.
While it had been obvious from an early stage, the truth was, the man—as he had said so himself—had readied himself for whatever outcome, embracing it all without a second thought, determined to take it all in without remorse.
It was indeed admirable and not something a normal man would do, no matter the circumstances.
Inevitably, Sasuke remembered the beginning of his relationship with Naruto. How they had loved each other so deeply and yet how long it had taken for them to admit it, embrace it, and give in to it.
Sex had felt like such a gigantic, monumental act, full of dos and don'ts and saddles that seemed far too heavy to bear.
How naive they had been. How absurd love was, that brought forth such unnecessary ghosts.
Some things were just so ridiculously simple that it was baffling.
"Are you alright?" Sasuke still couldn't help but ask, a little concerned as he glanced at the other man.
Kamui offered him a small, cheeky, lopsided smirk. "I'm better than I've been in years," he said without missing a beat, crossing his arms over his chest. His voice dropped a little, becoming an enticing, low murmur. "That was something else."
It was sincere.
"Well, for someone who's never been with a man, you certainly did surprisingly well on both ends," Sasuke commented shamelessly, tilting his head to the side, knowing the silent question was obvious.
Kamui released a small chuckle, his expression changing to amused guilt.
"Well, you got me," he confessed, to which Sasuke's eyebrows rose. "It's not what you think, though. I had topped in anal already, as you have guessed, but not with a man, no," Kamui explained, shaking his head. He pursed his lips together pensively before speaking again. "And to be honest, it wasn't exactly my first time bottoming, either."
"Oh?" This was all Sasuke said, eyeing Kamui intensely and waiting for further explanation.
Tensing, the older man cleared his throat and released another small, self-conscious chuckle. Embarrassment suited him, but Sasuke would not tell him that, ever.
"Let's just say I got very curious about it at a very early stage," Kamui confessed, averting Sasuke's gaze and looking out the window, a deep blush darkening his features. "As soon as I realized I was attracted to you, I wanted to know what it felt like and whether I could do it. The girls were pretty helpful. I don't know if I was hoping we'd end up like this or just praying that I would hate it so I could drop my delusions about you."
He then looked at Sasuke sideways, his smile fading, his expression endearing. "Anyway, the real thing by far surpasses toys, Uchiha-sama. I really had an enjoyable time."
The honest statement left Sasuke taken aback and unsure of how to respond for a second. Toys, right. Of course, Kamui would've been curious, and of course, he would've prepared for something like this, knowing he'd have to leave an impression.
Sasuke released a burst of laughter before he could stop himself.
Why were people so bent on impressing him, anyway? As if every person who met him instantly considered interacting with him a challenge.
Kamui had great qualities (and insufferable quirks) that would at some point make Sasuke warm up to him and fuel their attraction. Regardless, and against his usual principles, it had been Kamui's attractiveness that had caught Sasuke's interest from the start, so even if they hadn't gotten along, this outcome would've been unavoidable, much to Sasuke's dismay.
This is to say, Sasuke could also be an extremely simplistic person with quick urges and little demands that Kamui would've taken care of effortlessly.
Sasuke's laughter didn't seem to offend the other man. "What are you laughing about?" Kamui asked, bemused.
"Not at your curiosity about anal being satisfied through toys, that's for sure," Sasuke said jokingly, shaking his head before doing his best to stop laughing. He forced his expression to look more serious because a part of him did not want to diminish what they had shared. "I admit that it paid off. I had a good time, too."
"That's all that matters, then," Kamui replied, lowering his head in a mock respectful gesture that had Sasuke snorting.
Kamui looked pleased, and as his dark eyes scanned Sasuke's features calmly, there was an odd solemnity in his grateful expression. "Was it just me who knew it would be like this between us?" He asked after a brief pause. There was an intimate tone to his voice that also held a hint of hope. "I somehow knew it would be good if we ever did this."
Ah, there goes the comfortable atmosphere, Sasuke instantly thought, feeling his smile dissipate.
There was no doubt in Sasuke's mind that his companion was trying to have him talk, hoping that this sort of conversation would evolve and lead them somewhere else.
No, for sure, this was the intent. Kamui wasn't a man to beat around the bush, and yet he had cunning ways of loosening Sasuke's tongue and pulling him in.
From the way Kamui's intense, yet empathetic gaze fixed on him, giving away the racing thoughts in his head and the emotions that ran through his heart, Sasuke knew the man had chosen his words carefully. They were meaningful because they held a truth Sasuke wasn't ready to consider.
I can't do this.
Sex was one thing, and so was the attraction. And yes, Sasuke admitted that he was fond of the man and his family, but that was all he could process.
With an annoyed groan, Sasuke pressed his lips tightly together before eying the man back with the same defying intensity. Then he heaved a sigh. "You know that this was a one-time thing, right?" he asked, slowly but firmly.
As expected, Kamui didn't seem surprised by this, but his expression didn't change.
"Can I ask why?" was all he asked, perfectly composed. The way strands of his long, silky hair rested over his pecs was distracting, so Sasuke stared into his eyes instead. "I know we're going our separate ways soon, but at least we could enjoy whatever remaining time we have together. It doesn't have to mean anything unless you want it to. If there's something between us, we should at least..."
"There's nothing other than this between us, and I don't want to talk about any of it, Kamui," Sasuke interrupted before the man could say anything further that strained their delicate balance.
They were fine the way they were, and Sasuke was at peace enough with what they had done. He didn't need all the things that had plagued him before to come back. He didn't need to feel lost, confused, or frustrated; his relationship with Kamui was confusing enough for him as it was, but they had indulged to scratch the itch, and that was that.
Again, there was a brief pause before Kamui resumed speaking. What are you frightened of? No resentment or anger was present when he asked now, but Sasuke would have preferred not to have noticed the sadness and exasperation in his voice. It made him tense and instantly tugged at his heartstrings. "Once we have taken care of business, you will not see me again. What does it matter what happens between us while you're here?"
It mattered, but Sasuke didn't want to talk about it or even think about the reason for this.
In all honesty, the change of mood upset him. Wasn't it enough for them to be content with the moment? Why ruin it with useless suppositions?
"Don't talk as if it's a walk in the park for you," Sasuke threw between clenched teeth, unable to help himself. "Is that what you want from me? Is it okay with you if I devalue what happened just because it's easier? Should I just pretend it's nothing so we can keep fucking?"
"You know that's not the case at all," Kamui replied with a frown. For a moment, he seemed to want to say something but quickly decided against it. "I'd rather have a little than nothing at all. It doesn't matter how I feel, but I'm mature enough to understand where we're headed and that we need to simplify it."
It was so simple for Kamui, who was such a practical man, eager to live, take whatever he could, and drink the world as much as he could.
But Sasuke didn't need this—he didn't need to understand Kamui's feelings and didn't need to put himself through the emotional effort of getting involved with someone he would soon part ways with.
Sex wasn't—and had never been—good enough of an excuse for him to torment himself emotionally.
More importantly, he didn't want the experience of having a lover. Another lover, in this case. He could deal with a one-night stand, but anything further was just too much for him at this point.
Sasuke couldn't even process going through all the stages of intimacy, lust, and sex with Kamui all over again, repeatedly, until he left.
Somehow, Sasuke was certain that it would be a fast-forward version of all his quick escapades with Naruto. The outcome would feel exactly the same, and thinking about it was terrifying.
Because it meant that, in a fucked up way, there was something—whatever it was—between him and Kamui that was similar to what he shared with Naruto.
The thought alone was terrifying. Him and Kamui dancing around each other had been thrilling yet exhausting, and he was already far too emotionally involved, so he didn't need to feel like he had something only to lose it. Not again.
Determined, Sasuke straightened his spine, his eyes unfaltering.
"I admit that I'm attracted to you and that what happened between us was great and mutual. I'll even admit that, yes, I would do it again if I could. I have no regrets." Sasuke said, choosing his words carefully and doing his best to sound calm and eloquent. "But I can't. It's too distracting, and we have things to do. Besides, I don't do this type of thing. I'm not… This is completely different from anything I've done, and I can be mature enough to admit that it had meaning to me, but I can't process it for what it is. I don't want to. It's too complicated for me with all the stuff that I deal with in my life already."
"How so?" Kamui asked, conversationally, yet his body was tense as his expression instantly became more guarded and harder to read.
"I don't want to categorize you," Sasuke said, before biting down on his lower lip, trying to find the right way to expose things without hurting the man's feelings. "I already have too many emotional ties that are painful for me and that I have to work through every single day of my life. I don't want to torture myself, and I don't want to hurt you." At this, Kamui's eyes widened a bit before softening again with that strange expression that said that he understood and that he read Sasuke well. "Please, Kamui. I'm fine with what happened, but let's not talk about this anymore."
After a few silent seconds, during which Kamui seemed to be processing everything in his mind, Sasuke looked away to the streets outside, but he could feel Kamui's eyes on him. They were thoughtful and solemn, yet completely free of judgment or any sort of resentment.
Unexpectedly, knuckles brushed Sasuke's cheek gently, careful not to be intrusive, yet he offered no resistance. There was a very annoying fluttering inside his chest that he mentally shooed away.
"I understand and respect that, Sasuke," Kamui eventually muttered, sounding devastatingly crestfallen. For some reason, it bothered Sasuke, but the relief he felt at Kamui's decision to respect him was welcomed. "Admittedly, it sucks, but I'm grateful enough that you allowed yourself to come this far when you're already doing so much for me. I didn't think I'd ever feel this alive again, and for that, I will always cherish you."
Taking a deep breath through his nose, Sasuke closed his eyes, fighting the urge to lean into the touch because it seemed like such an out-of-proportion thing to do just then.
"Yeah," he acknowledged softly, the rough thumb brushing his jawline effectively calming him down.
Feeling wanted was an intoxicating drug that he had forgotten was deadly addictive. Not wanted for his looks, his body, or his power—he'd had enough of that—but wanted in such a primal, heartfelt way that was so simple yet far too complicated for someone like him.
He didn't understand at all. Kamui's desire was so similar to Karin's, Juugo's, and Gaara's – demand-free, completely enrapturing, and wholeheartedly giving.
Still, it felt different. It was a desire he enjoyed receiving, but unlike theirs, it shook him without explanation.
Reciprocating words danced in Sasuke's mouth, but he bit his tongue.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
"Can you at least spend the night with me?" Kamui asked, back to his usual polite, almost conversational way, his fingers daringly moving to the back of Sasuke's neck to massage it, eliciting a tiny noise from the depths of Sasuke's throat. "We don't have to do anything, but we can always snuggle and make out a little more. Tomorrow you can pretend none of this happened if you want."
Sasuke gazed back at him, not feeling amused in the slightest. He didn't know why the not-so-teasing suggestion upset him. "Stop talking about pretending. Saying I don't want to talk about it doesn't mean I want to pretend it didn't happen," he said, narrowing his eyes at the man. "Take that as you will."
Kamui smiled softly. "Sleep with me, then?"
"As if I don't do that already every night, but sure."
The least he could do for them both was indulge a little more. Even if more sex was decidedly off-limits, he didn't want to sleep alone.
It was already enough that this entire conversation had left him feeling lonelier than he'd felt in a long time.
000
The world was spinning out of control. It felt as if he'd gotten sucked into a whole new dimension and was now living someone else's life and wearing someone else's skin, and nothing else mattered. There was no pain, no worry, no loneliness, and no struggle—just this perfect yet chaotic reality where he could believe that, at least for a while, everything made sense and would be all right.
However, this was his body and his life, and for now, it was as good as it could get.
After years of suffering, despair, hatred, and thirst for revenge fueling his daily life, Kamui truly couldn't believe how much everything in his life seemed to have changed from one moment to the next. Strangely, a small bit of luck knocked on his door like a beam of sunshine after a storm.
Sasuke's very existence in his life seemed like an event brought upon him through godly intervention.
In fact, since he had come face to face with the Uchiha, every single day he woke up next to the man, he could barely believe how astonishing this predicament was.
To think that he had been on a mission to kill him. No matter how much fame Kamui had as an assassin, it only took a couple of days of studying his opponent for him to know two things for certain: that he would never in a million years be able to kill him and that he absolutely did not want to.
Studying Sasuke's background and story immediately fascinated him and aroused a sense of empathy for the man that he could not escape. The more information he obtained, the more curious he became, and granted, he found things about him that his assignment didn't require him to know, but he'd been captivated irreversibly, shocked, moved, and too curious for his own good.
The more he unveiled, the hungrier for knowledge he became. Their similar pain of loss and betrayal and their relentless drive for vengeance drew him to the younger one.
The resolve to conduct his mission had faltered long before Kamui ever laid eyes on Sasuke, yet he had to see him in person and meet him to make up his mind.
Sasuke could be as dangerous and vile as the stories about him. Some tales said he was a madman. Despite being a war hero, he had still killed his own brother (even if rightfully so) along with many others, meaning he was currently Konoha's pet possession, under its strict surveillance, working his way through his eventual independence and freedom.
Regardless, the work he delivered was flawless, and his missions were unfit for a lesser man.
Still, people described him as unapproachable, cold, and intimidating.
Uchiha Sasuke was all those things and none of them at the same time. That he was immeasurably strong was true, and yes, he had quite a temper and rarely smiled.
When he did smile, though, it seemed to change his entire face.
However, it was also true that Sasuke was simple, generous, highly intelligent, and surprisingly kind. For someone with such a sad story, he was very capable and disciplined. Also, he was constantly preoccupied with people and the well-being of the world in general. He was moved by the beauty of nature and hated seeing people struggling.
Violence was a defense, but not his first option. He had a foul mouth and cared little about his appearance, but he was very neat. His gestures were at times crude but also aristocratic—the duality of someone who could be arrogant and regal but humble and polite at the same time.
Sasuke was respectful of everything and everyone who deserved it.
As if all of this wasn't baffling enough to see, Uchiha Sasuke was the owner of a frustrating and inexplicable beauty that was hard to overlook, and Kamui didn't quite understand why because there was nothing striking or unusual about him; he was just a regular, good-looking Japanese man who was missing an arm.
Still, while he was masculine, with strong features and unrelenting eyes, there was a prettiness to him that made him one of the most breathtaking people Kamui had ever seen, and he had not been prepared for it at all.
Acknowledging didn't bother Kamui, but it did confuse him because he simply didn't get it at first.
As time went by, though, it all came together. Sasuke was a walking contradiction and a mixture of remarkably interesting physical and psychological traits that were striking, and the more one looked, the more fascinating he became.
Kamui had not meant to stalk Sasuke for so long, but he had dragged it out on purpose and without regret. Like this, he had been able to see Sasuke's beloved village, his son, and the people he so loved in such a devoted, pure way. He'd seen his short trip to Konoha and Suna and how flawed yet human the man was, with a life that was too full yet confusingly complicated.
Sasuke was very particular about the people he chose to open up to, but his ability to love and empathize with others was heartwarming.
In Kamui arose a dark sense of satisfaction in seeing Sasuke go about his daily life.
Eventually, Sasuke realized he was being watched, but this only fueled Kamui's excitement. It wasn't as if he wanted to watch Sasuke's more private moments, but the younger one knew how to put on a show just to tick him off.
Sasuke was not exactly a self-conscious person; he was confident and gave zero fucks. Whether Kamui was watching him bathe, eat, read, or piss, it didn't matter to Sasuke; he went about all of this challengingly, as if to defy him, horrify him, or shoo him away. It didn't matter because he failed.
Kamui had been equal parts amused and intrigued. Of course, he didn't stick around to see it—not all of it, at least—but it was still immensely funny.
These were sides of himself he was unfamiliar with, but he'd felt dead for so long that this sudden emotional awakening came as a blessing. There were certain feelings and sensations that Sasuke caused in him that he couldn't place, but he didn't think too much about them at first. Sasuke awed him and, for such a quiet, serious person, managed to make him smile with his little disinterested quirks.
He did enjoy watching Sasuke train by himself in the most ruthless and impressively graceful manner he had ever seen.
A handsome, armless, and arrogant stranger had captivated him, and Kamui was fine about it. There was nothing wrong with it at all. A good Shinobi had to be sensible enough to be humble and learn from a greater individual.
That man was nothing like any other man Kamui had ever met. Someone like Sasuke was extraordinary, and it was no wonder that he had gained such popularity for all the good and bad reasons and also that he was despised and desired by so many.
Killing him was not an option, and neither was simply ignoring him.
The eagerness to talk to Sasuke had taken over him, and it didn't take long for Kamui to decide that he absolutely had to try and get Sasuke to help him with his own revenge.
If there was anyone in the world who would ever understand him and not judge him, that person was Uchiha Sasuke, he was certain.
Sasuke would understand. Eventually, he would empathize.
Kamui knew by now that he couldn't do it alone; he needed Sasuke.
Kamui had meticulously studied Sasuke's personality, and it wasn't difficult for him to comprehend that the man valued equivalent exchange, a good challenge, and good-natured yet witty banter. Up to a certain extent, those were things Kamui excelled at, so he knew he had an advantage that could get Sasuke's interest. Finding out that Sasuke was after the Endō clan's heirloom was another benefit and Kamui had enough trumps to work with.
Sasuke was strong-willed, moody, and stubborn, but not as difficult to deal with as Kamui had first thought.
Then again, their first encounter, while carefully concocted, had a few elements neither man was ready for.
Kamui had been excited to change words with Sasuke, but teasing him, being in his personal space, and having him touch him as he immobilized him had been nothing short of amazing.
Sasuke was even more mesmerizing up close, and as if this weren't mind-blowing enough, Kamui had not expected to see the shock and contemplation in Sasuke's eyes at seeing not only his face but also his ability.
Kamui was aware that he was an attractive man, and despite not being very mindful of how he looked, he had always taken care of his physical condition, even before becoming a spy.
Despite knowing Sasuke wasn't exactly heterosexual, it had never crossed his mind that the man would find him attractive. Sex and such things were the last thing on his mind.
In fact, if Kamui didn't know what he did, he would've thought Sasuke had no interest in sex and romance.
Well, Sasuke was far from being frigid, it seemed.
Funny enough, their short first encounter and Sasuke's reaction to Kamui were also what truly awakened something else inside him, so he couldn't quite believe it at first.
The dumbfounded denial followed Kamui for a few days at first. While he'd had flings and sex partners, Rio had been his first and only love. Women had always been his thing, and Rio had been the biggest fuel for his sex drive for most of his life.
Only recently had Kamui restarted his sex life, and it was something he did more to get the stress out of his body and take his mind off things than out of genuine desire.
But he wasn't the type of man to shy away from himself. He did nothing to push these new feelings for Sasuke away, so instead of running, he carefully navigated their relationship and let himself go to see how their chemistry would work.
It didn't take long for him to understand that there was a lot of chemistry between them.
Sasuke's obvious interest in Kamui's body and subsequent denial about it was highly entertaining, yet as they got to know each other better, it became obvious that it wasn't just sexual. Never mind that they were both men or that Sasuke didn't trust him ;they had something going on, and that something was exciting and made Kamui feel alive and happier than he'd been in years.
There was no fear or hesitation in him, then. His heart had betrayed him from the start, so what did it matter if his body had chosen another man?
It wasn't just any man, either; it wasn't just vague interest. There was thirst and such a powerful, helpless lust that it took every ounce of his control sometimes to keep his façade of perfect calm.
Everything about Sasuke awoke in him things he would not dare to voice, and he simply knew that, if he had the chance, he would become a mess for him and with him, and he would do things he could not have ever dreamed of just a few weeks previously.
With Sasuke, he felt more himself than ever, and this thing that connected them was something Kamui wanted. Sasuke could say whatever he wanted, but they liked each other. Despite knowing about Sasuke's married life and his lover, and despite knowing this couldn't go anywhere, he worked extremely hard to penetrate Sasuke's walls in a way that would not be offensive to the other man.
Still, straightforward as he was, he did not express himself the way he wanted to. Many times he kept his hands to himself, holding back the impulse to touch more or move closer, and many times he hid his desire behind gentle smiles and teasing banter to not overwhelm the man and overstep his boundaries.
They had come so far; there was no way he could ever ruin this.
Sasuke was someone he held dear, someone who filled him with hope and inspired him, and his respect for the man would always be bigger than whatever he wanted or thought he needed.
If nothing else, he wanted them to at least be friends once all of it was over. Saying what was on his mind was a pressing urgency, yet he swallowed down his thoughts.
It was enough if Sasuke knew his intentions were honest; everything else would be locked inside of him forever.
Kamui knew his heart would be broken, and yet he had accepted it from the moment he realized he wanted the other man. His feelings had progressed too fast, and he couldn't help but wonder if this was just the heat of the moment and the excitement of his newly found passion. Perhaps it would fade once they went their separate ways.
Could he have been lonelier than he'd thought?
Regardless, whenever he sparred with Sasuke, slept beside Sasuke, and watched Sasuke move around his home, helping around and playing with the children, he was sure that this feeling was very particular.
It was ominous, but he'd made his peace with it, even if the growing sense of anxiety prevailed with each passing day.
So yes, he had penetrated those walls and made it so Sasuke would open up to him. Yes, he had touched, teased, and provoked until he got an honest reaction—until it became so obvious that not even Sasuke could dare to deny it.
He knew Sasuke enough by now to know which buttons to push, what to expose, and how to lure him in. It was a cautious process, yet it had also been easy because he felt as if interacting with the gorgeous man came as second nature to him.
He both loved and hated this. He hated that their dynamics were so stupidly right.
Kamui had closed himself off for years, and now he just wanted to open himself up as much as possible and give and take as much as he could without thinking. It was unfortunate that the circumstances were so unfavorable.
Sasuke wanted the same thing, as he had already predicted. It didn't matter that his motivations or even his feelings were different from Kamui's, that he had a soulmate already, or that this was just an itch he needed to scratch.
Sasuke would not delve into his feelings; there were too many things in his life, too much at stake, and too little time. All of this was a bump in the road for him.
However…
Not delving into his feelings didn't mean that Sasuke didn't have them. That alone was enough for what they shared.
Whatever it was, Sasuke had still chosen him, somehow, and still allowed him to touch, to be intimate, and to prove himself worthy.
It was useless to want something one could not have.
I want you, Kamui wanted to say. I don't want to lose you. Don't go somewhere where I can't see you anymore.
It wasn't love, no. Obsession was more accurate, as was an infinite admiration that was almost childish. Kamui's pride that he had managed to get under Sasuke's skin didn't help, either. That he knew he meant something to the Uchiha filled him with arrogance, even knowing that he was the last thing on the man's list of priorities (a list on which he wasn't included).
Still, he had reached out. No matter what would happen, he would have no regrets or resentments; he would enjoy the ride and treasure it as one of the best memories of his life.
Sasuke had seen him, cherished him, and wanted him, too.
Those weeks were some of the happiest for Kamui.
When Sasuke finally cracked, Kamui hadn't exactly expected it. He had hoped for it, though, and the other man was unpredictable. No matter how frail his resolve was, his willpower could've won if he had genuinely wanted it to.
Sasuke's willpower was a frustrating and frightening trait, albeit commendable.
His release had been everything Kamui had anticipated and more. Forever would he be grateful for having experienced the fascinating lover Sasuke was and how open, giving, and simply free he was capable of being.
Kamui had believed that it would be just sex between them—hard, fast, and awkward—and yet, he hadn't expected Sasuke's strong embrace, the silky feel of his tongue during smooth kisses, or how intense his touch and his body language were.
It was all about them, as it should be.
He had expected that Sasuke would hold back or even fight him. His receptiveness had been a surprise and had certainly not made things difficult—a proof of his trust and that he had wanted to succumb to pleasure, to Kamui himself, and to affection.
There was nothing else.
And the gods help him; Kamui had been overcome with the suffocating need to shower him with an abundance of everything he wanted. From then on, it had been nothing but the most honest and liberating deliverance he'd ever experienced.
Kamui hadn't expected to enjoy every single moment, but he did. All of it, without exception.
Against his better judgment, he'd fallen into the irrefutable necessity of loving him just then. It was a feeling he realized he'd hidden, and while he didn't understand it, he did it justice and followed along without hesitation, as he always did.
In the haze of their heated fucking, the possibility almost became real—they didn't feel like sex partners, getting off for the sake of it—but like lovers, desperately seeking the same thrill, the same emotion, and the same outcome.
It was a fantasy Kamui projected because he could and because Sasuke allowed it, indulging his own fantasy, whichever it was.
The haze was fantastical but painfully short-lived.
There was nothing pitiful about Uchiha Sasuke, yet he was insurmountable like a mountain, and he had never seemed so unreachable.
Kamui did not fear Sasuke, yet his heart quivered at all the things Sasuke was and could not (would not) give him.
How unfair.
Still, one thing Kamui knew for sure was that Sasuke had been there, with him, and not somewhere else, envisioning another person and wanting something else just then, and this was also how he knew that they had something special that was theirs, small as it might be.
Sasuke would not indulge in it, and it was for the best. Kamui didn't know how he would deal with himself if he dug deeper inside his heart.
He still felt helpless and was hopelessly falling into his selfish whims.
It wasn't love, but the denied possibility of something was painful to accept.
Kamui didn't know himself to be this naive or childish. He'd always been down-to-earth and realistic, so he never openly yearned for something out of his league.
Rationally, he knew that it wasn't possible. They lived worlds apart; Sasuke had a complicated life with too many intricate paths, and Kamui had a large family to take care of—a burden no one wanted to share, and rightfully so.
It was nice to idealize, though. It seemed impossible, but what was life without hope? Hope that someday he could share his family with someone willing. Hope that he might find love, peace, and companionship again.
That the possibility of a safe home was within his reach.
For now, he stifled it. All he had to do was keep moving and do what was best for his family.
What was he doing, wanting a torrid affair while plotting mass murder? It was amazing how he even had the ability to feel anything at all.
But well, Sasuke existed, and he unveiled a whole new person Kamui didn't know existed.
Long after their disheartening conversation, Sasuke had fallen asleep beside him. Kamui couldn't sleep, so he watched him. They lay on their sides, facing each other, and the dim light that filtered through the window allowed him to see Sasuke's face and the contours of his upper naked body.
The man slept soundlessly, his features so placid and still that he resembled a doll—perfectly beautiful and cold.
Despite himself, Kamui reached out so his fingers could lightly brush Sasuke's fringe away from his face. Something in him grieved that he would no longer feel those lips in his
For the umpteenth time, Kamui thought that Sasuke was a stunning man. There was nothing inherently feminine about him, yet he was more beautiful than most people he knew.
His eyes trailed down to Sasuke's left shoulder, to where his wounded arm was.
It was amazing how capable that body was, regardless.
Now running his eyes through those unforgettable features, Kamui's traitorous mind mercilessly reminded him of indecorous moans, hot skins sliding together, harsh bites, and famished kisses. Sasuke's fingers curling around his hair, demandingly. An expert, playful tongue that didn't hold back in its desire to taste.
Powerful thrusts that surprised and shook him to his very core and filled him with unimaginable pleasure.
That man, who was so capable and so giving in every single thing he did.
Kamui knew it was over, but he couldn't help but want it all again.
It had been far too long since he'd wanted something—someone—so fervently that he could hardly breathe.
These things brought him immense joy and sadness at the same time.
This was something he'd brought upon himself, knowing fully well how it would end.
How was it possible that he could feel so fulfilled yet lonely at the same time?
Carefully, Kamui withdrew his hand and closed it into a fist that he rested on the futon between their pillows.
It was over. That was what Sasuke wanted, and he would respect it, as he had promised.
I want you.
Just for a little longer, I want you.
You make it so difficult for yourself, and for what?
Under different circumstances, Kamui would want to explore it, see how far it would go, and see what more they had to give to each other, but as it was, they had little time and no proper conditions, so he understood Sasuke's train of thought.
Sasuke was a free spirit, but not a free man.
If only things were different.
Kamui would take whatever he could get and let it go afterward.
His life was not a fairy tale where there was space for the idealization of romance or whatever it was that they were experiencing.
That mountain was too insurmountable for him.
With this last thought and a crestfallen resolution to let it go, Kamui pulled the covers further up until they were covering Sasuke's body completely and laid down again. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to sleep.
000
The following morning arrived with a strange taste of misplacement that Sasuke couldn't quite comprehend.
Waking up next to a sleeping Kamui was something he was used to, and while he knew that everything would go back to normal, he hadn't expected to feel so weird about it. It wasn't the sex part that felt weird, but something entirely else.
He had already resolved to put it all behind them, so thinking about it was useless.
Not wanting to linger unnecessarily, Sasuke got up, grabbed his things, and made his way to his room to shower.
Despite feeling oddly moody, Sasuke refused to surrender to an obvious sense of disappointment.
What's done is done, Sasuke chanted to himself under the warm and inviting spray of water, a little agitatedly scrubbing himself clean everywhere with a cloth as if to wash away any evidence that the other man had ever touched him. You got it out of your system; now move on. Don't think about it; it's not worth it. Too much at stake, too complicated—just no.
Focus on what needs to be done and go home. Don't ever talk about it again.
Don't think about anything else. It's over.
It's over.
By the time he got out of the shower, he had effectively convinced himself that his resolve was stronger than any useless longing remaining within him for Kamui.
They were now friends and partners in crime, working together with their individual goals in mind, and that was all.
Sasuke would not think about his feelings or give in to the anxiety they created in him. The sex had been good, period. Everything else was just the past. He wouldn't deny it or ignore it, but he wouldn't ever pick it up again, and none of this would influence his relationship with the man.
He had no time for this or emotional space to deal with all the things, sexual or not, that Kamui had become to him.
He didn't need more baggage; he didn't need to feel sorry for the man, and even less for himself.
They would eventually part ways, and they would be fine. They had gotten involved in each other's lives enough, and it was already far too complicated as it was.
When they met downstairs for a simple breakfast of bread and milk, both freshly showered and ready for another day of training, Sasuke couldn't help but wonder.
Kamui greeted him with his usual cheeky smile, and for all anyone knew, nothing had happened.
The man was surprisingly good at making things casual, and Sasuke was grateful for it.
There were no sarcastic remarks, no flirting or inappropriate teasing, and no uncalled-for contact.
Good. It was better this way.
As they sat on one of the tables in the now clean and empty main room of the bar, however, Sasuke watched Kamui eat and felt oddly numb. His stomach was in knots, even if he was successful at replying coherently.
Sasuke realized that it wasn't complicated between them. In fact, it was quite the opposite—their courtship had been fairly simple. As a duo, they were dynamic and compatible, strong, and easy, and their chemistry was more than good—the kind Sasuke never thought he'd have with anyone other than Naruto.
Being around Kamui as a person was easy. Falling into his embrace had also been easy, uncomplicated, and right.
They weren't the problem, but everything outside of them was. Sasuke's life, his duty towards his family, Konoha, his goals, his burdens, Naruto... Kamui's own family, the burdens he now had, and the ones he'd gain once he completed his self-assigned mission.
It felt as if, somehow, they were supposed to meet, and yet the time and the place were all wrong, and whatever they shared had no legs to move forward.
It was a lonely thought Sasuke couldn't escape, because he did, undoubtedly, like Kamui and didn't want to lose him as a friend.
Still, when Kamui started casually talking about the plans for the day and conversationally suggesting they change strategies for Sasuke's training, the younger man berated himself for being overly emotional.
Summoning his resolution again, he casually engaged in Kamui's conversation.
They were back on track, and that was all that mattered.
000
Falling into their usual routine was a quick and natural process that Sasuke was grateful for. The two had gotten on friendlier terms despite still bickering and challenging each other, but Kamui's amazing ability to adapt and readjust to their new situation was certainly helpful.
The seduction games were over, despite Kamui still being his playful, flirty self sometimes. While it forced their interactions to mutate, Sasuke could not deny that it made things infinitely easier for them, and working together ran in a much smoother fashion than before.
The tension was obvious, though. Sasuke was still infatuated with the other man's physique, and he'd often catch the furtive, meaningful glances whenever Kamui thought he wasn't paying attention.
It wasn't easy letting go of something that had felt so good. It was easy to want to have it again, futile as it was, especially when he knew that Kamui was completely available and willing.
But it was the way it was supposed to be, and Sasuke could not deny that he was pleased. He felt lighter now, and in a way, there was a newfound enjoyment in spending time with Kamui and his family.
Being friends had allowed him to see different and more mature sides of Kamui, and their casual intimacy had been renewed to become more comfortable than ever. It was a strange transition as if their friendship had opened up doors to a different sort of mutual understanding.
Nevertheless, this still did nothing to help him overcome the stinging feeling of emptiness in his very soul and the worry clawing at his heart. Being Kamui's friend and feeling comfortable around him only made the idea of separation feel worse.
Everyone made him feel as if he was part of the family. They respected him and included him in everything. The kids loved him and seemed content to have another adult man around. Sasuke ached, not knowing what would become of them.
This led him to think about many things during the following couple of weeks, unavoidably—things that he could not look away from the more attached he became to all of them.
With his focus restored and a burning desire to go home, it took six weeks in total for Sasuke to master Kamui's infamous jutsu. Once he learned how to deal with the pain, he was able to control his chakra more efficiently and move as he needed, and soon enough, it was no obstacle to him.
Kamui did not hide how impressed he was, despite Sasuke's frustration that it had taken him far too long to reach this particular goal. Kamui also couldn't hide his disappointment that this would mean their journey together was ending.
They would be invading the Endō compound shortly. Sasuke wasn't scared for himself, but something inside him feared for Kamui's safety and mental state.
The man planned to be the one to kill every single man in that place and dispose of the bodies. He would also kill his uncle, a man he had once trusted and loved.
Sasuke knew he had the easiest part of the mission, and no matter what Kamui said, Sasuke would do whatever was in his power to help him, even if it meant that he had to hide things from him.
"What will you do once it's over?" Sasuke asked as they made their way back home after a day of training and strategizing at the beach. They walked side by side under the setting sun, and Kamui had been in a serious mood since that morning, which was unusual for him.
Sometimes, it was easy to forget that he wasn't always this lighthearted person Sasuke had met—he was a professional assassin, trained to be tough and cold-blooded, and in all honesty, Sasuke was curious yet preoccupied about seeing that darker version of him, capable of things he could only imagine.
"I don't know," Kamui said calmly, yet there was a lack of emotion in his voice that was unsettling. "I don't think Jōmae cares about what I do, to be honest, but I don't think I can simply take over everything again once it's known that I killed all those men. Even if we return to the compound, I don't think we can set foot in the village safely." He paused, looking at the path ahead but not meeting Sasuke's unfaltering gaze. "I don't want to isolate my family again; the kids need to be out there and meet new people, see the world, and go to a proper school. But I can't just abandon a lifetime of clan history, so I don't know."
It was understandable that the man felt that way, but it was still not a concise plan at all.
"You will need to think about it fast," Sasuke pointed out, not wanting to sound harsh, but he knew he could not let Kamui lose his focus. "You need to keep moving, and you'll need to do it as soon as it's over. Whether you keep the compound or you choose to leave, you will all be alone and will need to start over. It won't be easy."
"I'm aware," Kamui assured him, with a single nod. "You don't need to worry about us, Sasuke. I will know which way to go once I finish what I must do."
Biting on his lower lip, Sasuke held his tongue as his hand tightened around the strap of his bag.
That wasn't reassuring in the slightest, but Kamui had said it convincingly. It still filled Sasuke with a helpless sense of urgency.
"I'm worried because you're just one man without resources taking care of so many people, children," he persisted, knowing he sounded reprimanding despite choosing his words carefully. When Kamui didn't reply or look back at him, Sasuke suddenly stopped in his tracks, forcing the other man to stop too, and finally look at him inquisitively.
Taking a deep breath, Sasuke frowned. "I spent years training and cutting ties so I could become stronger in order to kill my brother. I did crazy things that I shouldn't have done, to others and myself, to have power as quickly as I could."
"I didn't become a spy to gain power. I did it because I needed the money," Kamui muttered, shaking his head as if it were obvious. "Yes, it came in handy, but this is completely different, Sasuke."
"Yes, but that's not what I'm trying to say," Sasuke protested, his anxiety over the issue making him feel irritated. "What I mean is, I understand why you want revenge, and I will help you to the best of my abilities. But it's easy to think that you'll find peace and clarity once it's over, when that may not happen."
Kamui released a small, visibly tired sigh. "I don't understand what you mean," he said, slowly, and yet his full attention was on Sasuke now.
"I mean that, after I killed my brother, I was happy for five seconds, Kamui," Sasuke said, trying to keep his voice from showing too much emotion at the memory. "He was the most terrifying opponent I ever faced, and I fought for my life with everything I had because I never felt as scared as I did then. Still, when it dawned on me that he was dead, I could only ask myself why I hadn't died, too. I had no purpose or direction. I realized that all along, I had hoped that we would end up killing each other. Do you understand?"
Another pause, and finally, Kamui's eyes softened with sadness. He huffed, and in a way that showed only the slightest bit of discomfort, he ran a hand through his hair. "You loved your brother, but I don't love my uncle," he said, shrugging as an upset crease marked his forehead. "I don't want to die, Sasuke; I told you that. Why do you think I'm going on a suicide mission? I may not be as powerful as you are, but I know what I'm doing."
"All I'm saying is that you don't know the effects of the grief you haven't even properly let go of yet," Sasuke explained, forcing his voice to soften. "Not for your uncle, but for your home, your family, and your clan. It's easy to lose yourself and lose sight of who you are and who you need to be."
"I know," Kamui acquiesced, and this time, the smallest curve appeared on the corner of his mouth. "It's because I don't trust myself that I need you. Why did you think I wanted you with me? I know you won't let me lose focus on what's important."
Sasuke's heart sank for reasons he couldn't explain. Kamui simply could not put that much trust in him for something like this when not even he trusted his mental stability. "But I can't fix anything, Kamui," he said, the worry in his voice evident now. "I can help you, but it won't fix you, or the damage that all of this will cause."
At this, Kamui offered him one of his softest, most endeared smiles, which was condescending, and it made him look wise and oddly handsome.
"That's where you're wrong, my friend," he replied, landing a strong hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "You're capable of fixing a lot more than you give yourself credit for."
Staring at him unblinkingly, Sasuke shook his head. "That's not true," he firmly denied. "I'm very capable of destruction, even of what I want or hold dear. Losing things is something I'm good at, too."
Kamui contemplated him as if considering what Sasuke had just said and whether to take it seriously.
They stared at each other, and Sasuke knew Kamui understood him and where his uneasiness came from, which was a brief relief but not something that completely made him feel at ease.
Eventually, the older man snorted. "Stop doing this to yourself, Sasuke," he said, gently, squeezing Sasuke's shoulder empathically before shaking it a little to perk him up. For someone who had been in a sour mood all day, it was funny that he was the one trying to cheer Sasuke up now. "I'm fine, and everything will be fine. I'm a survivor, and so are you, so you know that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Even if I'm lost right now, I'll just keep going. It will be fine. We'll get through this successfully, and you have to trust me on this. Okay?"
It wasn't okay, but Sasuke knew he would not be able to reason with Kamui the way he wanted to.
Sasuke was someone who needed to think ahead of the game at all times, but this wasn't the case with most people, and it wasn't the case with Kamui. Not that he could blame him, but still, the unpredictability of it all broke Sasuke's heart.
Kamui probably felt the same and just chose to deal with it differently.
I need to think about this.
"Right," Sasuke ended up saying. Inhaling sharply through his nose, he narrowed his eyes and said warningly, "But if you fuck anything up or if you so much as falter in anything, I will have your ass, and I'm not even going to be sorry for you, I swear."
To his dismay, Kamui pressed his lips tightly shut, but there was a curve in his mouth that exposed the fact that he was stopping himself from laughing, and Sasuke could only roll his eyes at him. "This is not a fucking laughing matter, stupid," he snarled, even though it somehow made him feel better to see a more normal version of the man slowly returning.
"I just thought about making a joke with what you just said but then realized it would be very inappropriate, all things considered," Kamui explained, grinning mischievously. "Although it would be a good one if you want to hear it.
Catching the hint, Sasuke rolled his eyes again. Of course, Kamui would have to think about that.
"I don't; fuck you," he threw, shoving the man's chest a little brusquely and feeling his cheeks catch fire, but believing he did a good impression of not making it obvious. "You're a fucking pig."
"Don't be like that; I'm just clearing the air," Kamui said good-naturedly, throwing an arm around Sasuke's shoulder as he so often did. Sasuke was actually surprised that the contact didn't make him feel uncomfortable as before; now it was familiar and comforting. "Don't be mad at me; I'll cook some mochi for you, with as little sugar as you prefer."
"You're a terrible cook; are you trying to poison me?" Sasuke complained, playing along as they resumed walking.
"Lying does not suit you, Uchiha-sama," Kamui teased knowingly, bumping his forehead against Sasuke's temple. "You said my mochi was good the last time!"
"I have no idea where or when you heard that; surely you were drunk."
With a light-hearted banter that eased their troubled minds, the two made their way home, knowing time was scarce and that, in a couple of days, they would be putting an end to many things.
TBC…
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