Chapter Seven: I Don't Want to Lose What We Have

Faint traces of light shimmered through the blinds, Takeru's hospital room lighting up where Hikari could see him. Between the rubbing of her eyes and the blurring of the throes of life thrown at her, she stared in the middle of the room, the presence of Takeru keeping her sane.

He had sat up, staring directly ahead, his eyes keenly focused, Hikari nearly falling out of her chair getting up, her legs weak.

"Takerukun," she said relieved walking over to him, her hands to her chest. "Are you…feeling better now?"

He glanced at her, his hands touching the small wounds on his chest.

"I think I'm ok Hikarichan," he said indifferently. "The last thing I remember that girl tried to get to you and Taichisan, and I stepped in. She…barely touched me," he said, his fingers tracing the indentations in his skin.

A bead of sweat came down his head, Takeru suddenly breathing heavily, a blanket falling from his torso, revealing his chest.

Hikari yelped internally, glancing at him, her face flushed.

"Hikarichan?" he said glancing at her, his concerned curious face turning into a smile.

"Sorry," she said turning her face away, staring at the wall. "I didn't mean to stare," she said, her face downcast, full of thought, but being embarrassed wasn't one of those feelings. If she were in middle school, she knew she would have turned beat red, but, seeing him like this, seeing the person Takeru was shaping into in both body and mind, she couldn't help but long for him quietly.

She could hear him pause in the silence knowing he too was also weighing everything that had happened.

His voice carried in the air as if reaching out to her.

"If it was anyone else," he said plainly, "I might actually feel embarrassed. But I don't have to with you," he said a tad serious, Hikari feeling his eyes press against her. "I wonder why?" he said, his face beaming, Hikari wanting to bask in it, but knowing she had to hold it tenderly, warmly, helping him like she always had get back to his old self.

She crossed her arms as if steeling herself, his words carving into her. And yet, she knew him. She knew this was how Takeru blocked out all the unpleasant things that happened. It was amazing to know someone so well.

"Do you remember what happened Takerukun?" she asked trying to pull him back.

"What happened?" he said smiling cheerfully. "Of course I do. We all got out safely and everyone is now recovering," he said, Hikari sensing the hopeful optimism in his voice drowning out the reality of what happened. "I was in too much pain though to really notice," he said. "I'm just glad we all got out of that situation," he added even more enthusiastically, Hikari glancing at him, Takeru chuckling nervously.

She turned wholeheartedly towards him, noticing his face break down, tears leaking from his eyes as he stared to the ground weeping bitterly, holding back his sobbing.

Instinctively she forgot everything, hurried over to him and wanted to wrap him up in a hug, but paused, staring at her hands, shaking, Takeru falling apart in front of her.

"Sorry," he said wiping his eye with his forearm, tears still leaking down after. "I can't even pretend I'm all right now," he said, his body heaving as he unleashed a torrent. "I know Mr. Kyoshima's gone. I know that the others are out there picking up the pieces," he said crossing his forearms and covering his eyes so she couldn't see him.

"And I know how badly I've messed up," he said sniffling. "I've taken our friendship for granted Hikarichan. I let bitterness get the better of me and I kept you at a distance," he said breathing out.

"At a time where you needed someone, I haven't been there for you like I have in the past."

Hikari pursed her lips, wanting to say something. She bent down and pushed his arms down so she could look him directly in his pure blue eyes, still full of a childish wonder he had not quite grown out of. And she couldn't help she also loved that about him.

"Takerukun," she said breathing out slowly, "I know you've always been there for me. But I can't let it destroy you like this," she said, herself starting to get upset. "You were trying to protect me, and you got so hurt," she said, her body shivering as tears fell from her face.

"It's not your responsibility," she said wiping her eyes. "You don't have to be burdened by me!"

"Burdened by you?!" Takeru said aggressively, standing up, still crying. "Here we go all over again! How could you even think that Hikarichan? Out of all the times we've been there for each other I never once thought of you as a burden!"

"Then why do you draw away from me?" she wept. "You say your sorry to me, but I don't understand! You're here with me, but it's like your heart is somewhere else."

"My heart is somewhere else?" Takeru questioned jaggedly, Hikari stepping back slightly, Takeru reaching out and pinning her against the wall.

"What about your heart Hikarichan? It's always locked so tight I can barely get through!"

Hikari stared him directly in the eye, Takeru at first seemingly angry, but it seemed more like he was desperately reaching out to her.

Her eyes softened, her scowl coming undone. She looked down wanting to hide inside herself, hating this ugly part of herself becoming vulnerable, exposing her inner self, as if shedding all the layers exposing her core. But Takeru was doing the same thing. It already hurt so much, what could it hurt more to just let it out?

"…Guilty," she said, staring down. She looked up at him desperately, her eyes leaking like streams of water.

"I feel…so guilty Takerukun. I've taken advantage of your kindness to feel better about myself," she said pressing her hands together against her chest. "I wanted to be like you, being able to take my feelings and just smother them so no one else can see. But I've only fooled myself, right?" she smiled. "I'm terrible at it," she said wiping her eyes. "No matter how hard I try I still can't stay hide myself from you. And when I realize that this starts all over again. It's just a vicious cycle," she said bitterly. "And you don't deserve that."

"Then," he paused, gripping his fist. "Why don't we just say we're both at fault, Hikarichan? You don't need to feel guilty about anything. You've always done your best to preserve things. Even Kyoshima's life," he said gripping his chest in pain appearing to have overexerted himself.

"Takerukun," she replied reaching out to his side, letting his arm slide over to her shoulder and helping him sit down.

He breathed out heavily, sweat perspiring down his face, Hikari enthralled by him.

"And even if you couldn't do anything, that's all right," he said looking up at the ceiling with a smile, leaning back, his body relaxing. "Not being able to do something is so frustrating, but it doesn't make you weak. I've learned that from watching you," he said. "Because you're always trying to do the right thing. You're always thinking what's the best thing to do. But I'm always thinking about what's the way forward without hurting anyone," he sighed. "And sometimes not hurting anyone actually hurts more if you're not being realistic.

Hikari felt air rise in her chest as she laughed. "You're a hopeless optimist, aren't you Takerukun?"

"You've got that right," he chuckled back the two of them laughing heartily as their tears dried up.

She felt now more than anything the time was right. More than anything. More than a confession or just showering him with reserved affection, she could tell him. She could tell him that part of her heart she had kept hidden away for so long, the light of the morning filling the room even more.

"Back when we had sealed the Digital World," she said, her words hanging in the air as she could feel Takeru's curious but intense gaze stare at her, "We all eventually went our separate ways. While you were gone, I had withdrawn myself from the others, and, because of this, I became a target for bullying. And I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to worry them."

Any lingering tenseness fell away from her as she continued.

"Then one day, I reached a breaking point. Suddenly Homeostasis appeared controlling my body and I really freaked a lot of kids out. They called me 'The girl that was possessed' and started spreading rumors and ignoring me. Eventually I just stopped caring about what happened to me. A few bullies really beat me up, and that's when I first went there, though, I did not know at the time that was the Dark Ocean," she swallowed.

"I…I thought it was a dream. And there, that's where I met her- Where I met Ygdrassill…

…Hikari finished pouring her heart out to Takeru about what happened. How Taichi and Daisuke both rescued her and saved her. About how she had made up with her old friend who moved away, and how finally she could finally forgive her classmates and move on, even though the emotional scars remained.

"I…" she paused, "…I wished you were there Takerukun. But you weren't. You were always protecting me and looking out for me. "I... I felt embarrassed…and ashamed. I had relied on you so much that I- I wanted to show you how much I had grown, even if…it was a lie. But, when I saw you again, and just how happy you were, it just never came up," she said gripping her fists.

"I wanted to remember you from the last time we met by that tree in the Digital World and not sour it with what I went through. And I didn't want you to beat yourself up about it either. But maybe I should have said something a lot earlier."

Takeru paused and reached his hand out grabbing her fist.

"I get it now, Hikarichan," he said tenderly with a smile. "And I'll be respectful of your feelings now. And I hope you'll do the same for me when I'm talking to other people as well."

Hikarichan sighed. "I might…get down on myself again Takerukun," she confessed. "I can get bitter, lonely, and depressed. And if I get that way," she hesitated, "Just you being there is enough for me," she said. "Eventually I'll be able to lift myself on my own," she said slightly tearing, "But for now, when those moments happen, can I…be with you?" she said keeping herself together, barely able to contain her emotions.

"I...Takeru," she said, starting to panic, her eyes watering as she yelled out from the depths of her heart.

"I don't want to lose what we have!"

Takeru's eyes lit up as Hikari's met his. Gone were the doubts, the desperation, and the pain that had filled his face and his heart.

"Of course, Hikarichan," he said. "Me to. Now…and always!" he smiled widely, Hikari's face growing red, heat spreading to her cheeks, her tears finally starting to dry.

They walked together up and down the hospital for the next few hours, Takeru having felt better, even though he was still recovering. From time to time, they would sit down and just talk more, as if filling in the gaps in their relationship with good things, pushing out the bad, negative ones.

Eventually both of them had become so manic about the positive memories and pepperish, they both decided to get a drink, walking over to one of the vending machines, Hikari getting a cola while Takeru got a lemonade.

Hikari leaned against the machine, holding the soda with both hands, just staring at it, not opening it yet.

"By the way," Takeru asked, reaching in the slot of the machine, and pulling out his lemonade, "I think it's only fair since you told me about what happened, that I filled you in on that time of my life too," he grinned.

Hikari blinked twice, staring at her cola.

"Wait! I can't believe I never asked you!" she exclaimed, Takeru shushing her.

She had nearly forgotten she was in a hospital.

"You asked me how I liked the new apartment and how things were now, but not how things were back then," he reminded her. "Would you like me to tell you?"

"Yes, absolutely," Hikari said nodding her head fervently inadvertently popping her soda open.

Takeru turned to the side as if deflecting her enthusiasm. "You'll have to say 'pleeease.'

Hikari stared at him oddly. "Takerukun, pleeeease…just knock it off," she chuckled, both of them having a good time.

They both sipped their sodas as they continued walking around, some of the nurses and staff giving them odd looks.

Takeru took a swig of his lemonade and let his hand hang to the side. He stopped talking but smiled looking down as they walked.

Hikari said nothing, giving Takeru his space to open, but glad to be at his side so she could listen.

"Hikarichan," he said, "That girl, we met in the tunnel? That was the same girl, right?"

Hikari nodded her head.

"You know more about her than I do, more than just how she hasn't changed," he said, Hikari staring down, her eyes opening wide.

"Takerukun," she said, "That wasn't the first time you've met her, has it?" she asked biting the inside of her lip.

He nodded his head and turned, staring ahead of himself as they walked passing by the pasty dull walls.

"I could never forget," he said feeling his chest where she had 'playfully' injured him. "She never told me her name. She just toyed around with me," he said, his eyes narrowing.

"But she helped me realized a terrible truth," he said as if staring into the past. "One that's helped shaped me Hikarichan into who I am today. And now," he smirked, "fort the first time, I'm going to tell someone. I'm going to tell you Hikarichan…

…even if you may not look at me the same way ever again."