WHITE FLAG
[REDO 3x22. Rachel Berry, blindsided at a train depot? No, I don't think so. Find out what happens when RBB finally gets her say.]
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"...And if we're meant to be together, then we're gonna be together. W-whether it's in a little shoebox apartment in New York, or on the other side of the world. Okay? Will you do that with me? Will you surrender?"
Rachel raises her puffy, red-rimmed, water-filled eyes up to meet his. He is the love of her life, the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with and raise babies with, but this is her dream; Broadway, fame, success. The adoring fans waiting for her autograph after a show and reading her biography someday. And here before her sits this earnest, selfless, loving man, pushing her forward to put her one step closer to attaining those lofty aspirations, even while his life is imploding and spinning uncontrollably onto an unknown course.
She sees all the love in his heart just in his intense gaze, and the pain that this decision he's reached is causing him oozes from his every pore. It's tearing him apart from the inside out, she can see it. She can feel it. He loves her and wants this for her as much as she's ever wanted it for herself. Now she's at a crossroads.
In the face of this grand gesture of love, she makes up her mind easily.
"No."
"No..?"
His crumbling bewildered expression is helpless to break her resolve. "No. I will not surrender, Finn."
"But you... Oh... O-okay. Y-you finally see that this isn't gonna work? You finally know I'm just an anchor weighing you down, so–"
"SHUT UP! No, Finn! That is not it, not at all... And I'm quite frankly getting more than a little frustrated with having to repeat myself... I love you, Finn. I love you and more importantly I believe in you. Don't you understand?"
"I love you too, Rach, so much but–"
"NO. I'm talking now. First things first; please tell me you didn't already enlist, that you didn't already sign anything?"
"I uh... no, not technically yet. I'm supposed to be meeting with the recruiter on Monday. But Rachel, you need to under–"
"No Finn. You made your little speech, now it's my turn. I love you. So much so that I am prepared to MARRY you at the age of 17. So much so that I already know that no matter what my future holds, it's meant to have YOU in it with me, because without you, none of it matters. So please Finn, make me understand, because I simply cannot get my head around it... Tell me, when exactly did you contrive this ridiculous notion, this plan to SET ME FREE, as if I were some caged insect, some rare butterfly or Amazonian songbird you needed to return to the wild?"
"Well, it's because I wanted–"
"Don't interrupt me, Finn! Exactly when did you decide that MY opinion about MY future wasn't relevant to the discussion about what was supposed to be OUR life together? Hmm? Plans that we have been making for months – for years actually, when you think about it. Why on earth did you think you could just walk away from me at the eleventh hour before our nuptials to run off to join the damn ARMY without even talking to me about it first?"
"Rach, that's not how I–"
"I'm not finished! We're supposed to be at Niagara Falls by this time tomorrow, enjoying our honeymoon and the start of our future together. Now Finn, you asked if I'm 100% sure about marrying you, but why do I need to be 100% sure about marriage? Marriages, well, statistically marriages do fail sometimes. Quite often in fact. And you and I certainly don't have the most stellar track record with so many fights and breakups behind us, so you surely can't fault me for having some small skepticism about the institution of marriage, but you know what? We learned from each of those fights and bad times, and more importantly, we keep coming back to each other, to work it out, to find a way to get it right.
"At its core, that's what marriage is all about, Finn. It's trial and error with a promise, a commitment to keep on trying and to keep working together to get it right. Therefore, YES, I can say I'm 100% sure that you are the love of my life and I will fight for you, for us, always. I don't doubt my commitment to you. We're a TEAM, Finn; we've been co-captains in Glee for three years, and I want to keep on being co-captains in life, with you, forever. So I ask you, are you 100% sure about me?"
"Of course I am, Rachel, but you don't und–"
"STOP interrupting me! Because if that's true, then this? This out of the blue idea of sending me off to New York alone and you running away to play soldier boy is the most insane case of cold feet before a wedding I've ever heard of! And I know you're not really that scared, Finn. You would have told me by now if you were, I'm sure of it. You were hurt and confused and feeling like your mom betrayed you by hiding the truth about your father, and I do understand that. I grew up all my life without my mother and when I finally met her, things went so horribly wrong... so I know a little about the disillusionment you feel right now.
"You think you need to have all the answers about your future mapped out right now, but why can't you see that you simply don't, and that that's okay? Do you know how many kids in our graduating class alone still don't know what their future holds yet? They don't know what school to go to or what career paths to pursue. Maybe they're just not motivated or don't have the support system or the financial means."
"I guess that's true, but-"
"And Finn, you have to know, not everyone is a prodigy like me, growing up with a singular vision and an extraordinary talent that was fostered from a young age. I am the exception, Finn, not the rule. I sometimes think you feel I've set some unattainable bar that you have to live up to to somehow be worthy or deserving of me, and for whatever reason, you think you'll always fall short; but that's just not the case."
"But you ARE that special Rachel, and I'm just not good en–"
"I swear to Barbra, Finn Hudson, if you finish that sentence I might pull your tongue out with my bare hands! You are that special – TO ME. You are an incredible leader, and so talented, and so patient and loving and smart and capable of being so many things. You're an amazing singer and musician. You're good with your hands and you know things that I couldn't begin to comprehend, like how car engines work and how to fix things.
"And who says you have to settle for any ONE thing, huh? Maybe you try new things until you find what you truly love. Or maybe you never really find that one singular calling – and that would be okay too, because it happens to a lot of people. It doesn't mean you're unworthy of my love or the JOY of discovering those experiences... the journey is still worthwhile, especially if you are sharing it with someone you LOVE. That's just what LIFE is, Finn. It's what tons of people do everyday.
"Even if you only ended up working a job that just pays the bills but doesn't make your soul sing – not that I think that's what would happen – but even if it were, SO WHAT? Do you really think I would love you any less? Do you really not know just how much your constant presence, your support, encouragement and belief in me motivates me to succeed? You're my very best friend Finn... I need you. And I WANT you on this journey with me.
"As long as we get to come home to each other and share our days with one another, to end and begin every new day together, isn't that the best part of life? Isn't that all anyone truly wants or needs? I think it is. At least, that is what YOU taught me. That having someone you love and who loves you back, someone who believes in you and supports you no matter what, THAT is the most important thing of all. I could still fail at my chosen path you know. I know you just assume it's all going to work out for me and I will be some great success story, but what if it never happens? Would you love me any less?"
"Of I course I wouldn't, Rach, but that's crazy because–"
"Because you are so incredible that you just believe in me that much. I love you for that, more than you could ever know. But there simply are no guarantees. Neither of us can predict the future, Finn. I might only ever be a chorus member in an off-Broadway role, or I might get the dream role and the critics hate me. I could choke. Or I could hate it. But I wanna try anyway... I just wanna do it with you by my side. Sweetie, YOU made ME believe in us. And okay, before you, Broadway was all I ever hoped for, but that isn't the case anymore. I want more than that. I want it all; I want love and family and YOU. So no, Finn, I will not, CANNOT just roll over and surrender with you, not like this. The bigger question is, WHY ARE YOU?"
"Babe, I wasn't trying to–"
"Because I know you love me, Finn, just as much as I love you. And I know I am meant to spend my life with you. But if you think I'm simply going to let you run off and join the damn U.S. MILITARY when I know for a fact that is NOT what you really want to do, you're mistaken, mister!"
He frowns in frustration and exclaims, "How do you know it's not what I want?"
Rachel wasn't backing down from her position; she knew him far too well. "Don't we tell each other everything?"
Looking anywhere but in her eyes, he sighs "Yeah, I mean I try to... when I don't forget stuff. But even then, as soon as I remember, I do."
"Exactly. So if this, following your father's footsteps into the army, if it was truly your dream, your passion, wouldn't you have shared that fact with me, your fiancée, by now? I'm your PERSON Finn, wouldn't you have told me if this was your real dream?"
"Well sure, but my dad was–"
"–was a wonderful, amazing man. He had to be; he's half responsible for bringing you into this world. He loved your mother with everything he had and started a family with her, and ultimately he brought you to me..." she grips both of his hands, squeezing gently in hopes of making him understand. "I love your father, Finn. I've never met the man or seen more than two photos of him, yet I still love him, simply for the fact that he was YOUR father. But babe, his life and his mistakes and his journey? That was HIS story, honey, not yours. You need to have your own journey, Finn. It's what I KNOW he would want for you, because it's what all parents want. They want their children to be happy, safe, to love and be loved, and to hopefully get more out of life than they did."
"But Rachel, he was a great soldier and, and his legacy is tarnished by whatever the hell happened to him at the end. I have to redeem him somehow!"
Moving her hands to his cheeks, she nods. "Okay, I understand that. We can talk about ways to try to honor him, Finn. Whether it's fighting his dishonorable discharge or, or, I don't know, starting a charitable foundation in his name for veterans with addiction problems, or a scholarship fund for veteran's children in his name... I don't know, but we can surely do something to honor that man that does not involve putting a gun in your hands and sending you to a place to be SHOT AT! What if you went off to war and died, Finn? Would you be okay with the universe taking you away from me forever? From your mother? Because I WOULDN'T! And I know Carole wouldn't be okay with that either."
His large hands wrap around her wrists, stroking them gently. "Rach, I knew that's what you'd say and what you'd worry about, but it wouldn't have to happen like that."
"But you cannot guarantee that it wouldn't. And this IS NOT your dream, Finn... Convince me otherwise and I will stop arguing with you about it. I'll fully support you, and write you letters while you're gone, and wait for you to return as any good military wife does – because if you really want to do this then we are definitely getting married first. So convince me that you want to go off to kill people and duck bullets and hope to survive without injury or post traumatic stress to come back as a different person after facing the horrors of war. Tell me that's the person, the father you want to be to our children. Tell me that's what you really want to do and I will go with you to the recruiter's office on Monday."
He swallows thickly as he thinks it over. "I... I... shit! I - I can't. Okay? Okay, you're right. I don't really wanna go kill people or be shot at, and I sure as hell don't want to be without you forever or, or, or be changed in some way so that you don't even recognize the guy who comes back. I just.. th-that was kinda part of the whole point, y'know? To go there and DO BETTER than he did, to NOT screw it up. I already know I can't reverse his discharge status, but I could still redeem the Hudson name. Plus, the recruiter made it sound so great. I could find my vocation and there's so many perks to joining the army, like college money, housing assistance, health care and stuff–"
"Finn Christopher Hudson! If you want money for school, you apply for grants and scholarships and student loans – you do NOT decide to sign away YEARS of our future together and go halfway around the globe, putting me and your mother in a deep depression praying for your safe return and gamble with your LIFE that way! Please don't misunderstand me; I fully support our armed forces and I'm not dismissing the valor of the brave men and women who serve our country – but let THEM do it! I am not at all not saying I don't think YOU are brave enough – of course you are – but you are also my fiancé, Finn! I am NOT willing to risk your safety for the sake of a government paid education or a discounted rate on a mortgage loan! That is PREPOSTEROUS! What if it was me who wanted to do this? Would you want to risk my safety like that, especially for those reasons?"
They sit for a long beat as Finn stares deep into the abyss of her bottomless, bloodshot ebony eyes. He shakes his head and chuckles at his own stupidity. Of COURSE he'd never risk her safety in any capacity, and yet he'd been asking her to accept this of him at the very last minute.
"Finn, if you insist on being actively involved in the military in some way to honor Christopher Hudson, there are plenty of other ways. You can join the reserves, or volunteer at the Veterans Administration. I'm sure there are plenty of civilian positions you can look into that wouldn't involve active duty in a war zone. We can do so many other things, things I would be so proud of you for–"
"Oh my god... I fucking love you so much, Rachel Berry." He cuts off her renewed rant with his lips on hers, pouring every ounce of his love for her into a scorching kiss that steals her breath. "You... you're so right, Rach. I should've talked to you about all of this. I'm so sorry babe, I'm sorry I blindsided you with this train ticket and everything... it's just, all this crap hit me at once – the truth about my dad's death, the rejection letter from Pace, the end of my football career...and I just. I panicked. I freaked a little... Okay, maybe I freaked a LOT. Baby, I'm so sorry I didn't think everything through or talk to you about all this stuff. I should've known you'd help me see things differently. But when I talked to your dads about everything, they agreed that–"
"HOLD ON... you talked to my fathers about all of this but not me? And they agreed what, that you should go off and try to get yourself KILLED while I cried an ocean of tears missing you from New York, to the point that I flunked out of school because I couldn't focus or concentrate?"
"Well no, that wasn't exactly the scenario we envisioned... but they agreed with me that you needed to be in New York and it would be for the best if you had your college experience alone. They were worried NYADA wouldn't hold your spot and you'd be sacrificing your dream by trying to delay a year, and I agreed. Especially since I was already planning to go to the army. So we worked out the details of getting you there together."
"Finn, I love you and I love my fathers... but I could kill you ALL right now! Have you all lost your minds? Don't you think I'd already checked with NYADA to be sure they'd hold my spot? And anyway, have you forgotten who I am? I am Rachel Berry, and when I set my mind on something, I find a way to get it. I do not just SURRENDER, not for anyone or anything!"
His crooked smile appears and he kisses her again, deeply. "You're right. That's exactly who you are. I'm sorry babe, I'm just... I wanted the best for you. I want you to have your dreams."
She leans her forehead against his. "I know. And I love you too, so much. I love you for trying to put me first... But you can't do that anymore. You can't blindside me like this. And we ARE getting married. It doesn't have to be right at this moment. We can extend our engagement, if that's what you want to do... but I AM going to be Mrs Finn Hudson eventually. I still want that. Do you still want that?"
Threading his fingers through her hair, he presses his lips softly to hers. "Of course I do, you know I do. So... does this mean you want to wait a while?"
"Well, I think this little 'set her free' experiment of yours proves to me that you aren't quite as ready to get married right this minute as perhaps you once were before. Maybe... maybe you were never ready just yet? Maybe when I said I didn't want to wait and said we should move the date up, you just agreed and went along with it. You can tell me, I won't be mad... Is that the case?"
He let out a heavy exhale. "I guess that was a big part of it. I thought it's what you wanted, and you know I'd do anything for you. I figure weddings are more up to the bride anyway, so we can get married whenever you want, Rach. More than anything I want you to be my wife, but I can wait. Maybe after you get through NYADA first?"
Her pearly smile spreads slowly across her face. "Okay. We could do that. Or, we could drive to Atlantic City and elope right now."
He mirrors her grin with his own. "We could do that too, if that's what you want to do."
"Whatever we do, now and in the future, just promise me we're deciding on it TOGETHER from now on, alright?"
He nods easily. "I promise."
She presses a soft kiss to his lips. "Good. I love you, Finn Hudson."
"I love you, Rachel Hudson Berry."
"Rachel Hudson," she corrects.
"Really? But I thought you'd want to keep Berry, y'know, as your stage name and all."
"Not anymore. Consider it as my contribution to honoring and redeeming your father's name. I want to be a Hudson."
"Babe, you're just..." Finn's words trailed off as he crashed his lips over Rachel's. No other words were needed.
After a few more minutes of making out then deciding firmly on their immediate next steps (which included Rachel plotting their travel plans to New Jersey), Finn remembers an entire platform of Gleeks was still waiting for them at the train depot for a farewell that wouldn't be happening today.
Following a quick text to Kurt to send everyone home, Finn turns the key in the ignition to start the car. The radio blares to life and he and Rachel smile and sing along to the song that fills the cabin as they head back to his place to pack for their journey.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
As their voices mingled in perfect harmony, they hold hands and smile proudly at their decision. There would be no surrender today; they would take charge of the universe and make the future theirs, together.
~️❤️~
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Song credit for chapter title & lyrics: White Flag by Dido.