Don't chapter 8
Hinata felt like dreaming. Everything had been going so fast, he didn't even really have time to think things through. In the end he just shut off all his thoughts and feelings. Like a zombie.
His mother died on Saturday night.
On Sunday he got a card from his teammates. Yachi had drawn a beautiful flower on the front. On the back was a written text with all their names under it — even Tsukki's name to Hinata's surprise. He wondered if Tsukishima had put it there willingly, or if the team had forced him to do it.
He contemplated whether he should invite his team for the funeral or not. Even though they hadn't known his mother directly, it would be nice to have a few of them here as support. On the other side, he didn't want to bother them with this.
Plus his father did not like that idea. He wanted to funeral and everything surrounding it to be as small as possible, almost inclusive for himself, Natsu and Hinata. When Hinata had asked why his dad had looked angry.
"Why would you need anyone else if you have your family, from now on it's gonna be the tree of us, you understand?" He had said and with that silenced Hinata. So no teammates invited for the funural.
On Tuesday they cremated his mother. A few of mothers closes friends were present. His dad had no contact with his side of the family, his mother didn't have any siblings and both her parents had died when Hinata was still a toddler. So that was all. Together with Natsu he made a little place for mom at home where they put the urn with her ashes, a picture of her and a few candles. The first week they lit the candles every night together and prayed for her to be in a better place.
On Wednesday he had a phone call with Takeda-sensei. Like usual his teacher was very polite, but also very sweet. Hinata didn't feel ready to talk much about everything, but it was nice to know that there was someone who would listen to him. Takeda had assured him to take as much free time as possible, everyone at school would understand.
On Thursday his dad started drinking again.
What started with just one beer ended soon in a room full of empty beer cans and a passed out father. Hinata knew better than to wake him up, so he just let him be.
Instead, he focused on Natsu. His little sister didn't understand everything that was happening and she became very clingy towards Hinata. His dad wasn't sober enough to comfort her, so Hinata took that job upon him. Therefore he never really gave himself the time to process everything that was happening. Instead, he just made sure that Natsu was going to be alright.
Friday night was the first time Hinata was able to sit down and think. His dad was half drunk in the living room and Natsu was — for the first — able to sleep. So he walked towards the little place they made for his mom and sat down.
Hinata looked at his mother's picture, her beautiful warm smile, knowing that he would never see that smile again. He was never going to hug her again. He would never be able to show his mother how much he loved her. This wasn't okay. Why did this happen? None of his family deserved this and certainly not his mother. Why her? Off all the people in the world, why his mother. He was sure there were tons of bad people in this world. So why didn't they get sick and hurt? What had she done wrong that this had to happen to her?
Hinata knew that it didn't work that way. It wasn't so that if you were a good human, only good things were meant to happen to you and vice versa. But it just wasn't fair.
The feelings that burst open were overwhelming. Hinata couldn't take it anymore. The walls off the room were closing in on him and the temperature rose up. It felt like his lungs weren't able to breathe fully in. There was not enough air for him in the room. His thought were getting fuzzy, he needed to get out of here.
So that was what he did.
Without even thinking about a jacket or his shoes, Hinata ran out in his bare foods. And he just ran and ran and ran. The cold fresh air hitting him in the face. It felt right.
But it wasn't good enough to calm his nerves. Hinata had always been an energetic person. He was always ready to move, to jump, to run, there never seemed to not be enough energy.
Last week the only thing he had felt, was tired. And now in the cold fresh air, a sudden pang of energy woke Hinata up. So he turned his brain off and just ran for it. Let his body do the talking. He wasn't really looking where he was going. It didn't matter. As long as he kept running and running and running.
Hinata didn't even notice when it started to rain. Soon he was completely soaked from head to toe, but Hinata just kept on running. It was all he knew at the moment, how to run.
Until he bumped into something.
No not something, someone, a big someone.
Because of the speed that Hinata was running with, the wet slippery ground and the big size of the person he bumped into, the force of the crash let him fell down on the ground. He needed a few seconds to wake up. The crash had startled him, pulling him out of his state of mind.
While rubbing his behind, Hinata looked up and saw to his surprise his teammate, Asahi — with Suga and Daichi right behind him. The three third years all looked a bit taken back, probably not expecting to run into their younger teammate this way.
Hinata wasn't sure what to do. His first instinct was just to stand up again and keep running. But on another thought, that would probably come off as weird towards the third years.
"Hinata! Are you okay! I'm sorry!" Asahi meanwhile said, while waving his hands in panic, worried that he had hurt the smaller teen with their crash. Hinata quickly nodded his head, while jumping up. He himself was just as taken back by this scene as his senpais. He had turned off his brain while running, just completely letting his body go without thinking and this crash had jolted him awoke again.
"No, no I'm sorry! I wasn't looking were I was going." He quickly said, while brushing of the dirt on his pants. Then a sudden shiver went through his body. Now that he wasn't moving anymore, he could feel the coldness of the rain working on his body. His feet were almost freezing. Suga noticed it too.
"What are you doing outside in this weather without proper clothes!" He said, while quickly shoeing the boy between him and Daichi under their umbrella.
"Yeah, Suga is right. You could catch a cold." Daichi said, while quickly making place for the smaller boy. "My place is right around the corner, we were heading there. You can come with us to hide for the rain."
Without even waiting for Hinata to answer the three older boys quickly pushed him in the direction of Daichi's home. Hinata really didn't know what to do, but to just move along with them. Besides, he had to admit, a warm house sounded pretty good right now and his own house was at least a 15-minute run away.
The group of four quickly made their way and within two minutes they were dripping inside Daichi's home.
"Ohh no, I am sorry. I am making your floor all wet and dirty with my feet." Hinata said while quickly making a bow. Daichi smiled.
"Don't worry about it. I'll clean it up later. Just wait here, I am gonna get a lot of towels and some dry clothes."
Hinata quickly suppressed a shiver and looked around. Daichi lived in a pretty traditional house, with a few photos of him and his family hanging on the wall. Hinata had been here a few times, but that had always been with the rest of the team. This was the first time with just him and the third years.
Soon Daichi came back with a towel and some dry clothes and the four boys started drying themselves up. Next to him Asahi tried to wrench out his long brown hair.
"Hahaha Hinata! It looks like a dress on you." Suga sniffled, once Hinata put on the spare clothing Daichi gave to him. It was a hundredth times too big for him, but it was comfortable and warmth, so it was fine.
"Yeah, sorry. I tried to find something of your size, but couldn't find anything."
"No. It's okay. This is really nice!" Hinata quickly said.
"Shall I make some food? What about a bowl of soup?" Daichi walked towards the kitchen. The two other third years quickly nodded their heads, eager for some warm nice soup. However Hinata didn't want to stay any longer than necessary, he didn't want to be rude and overstay their welcome.
All three of them were really nice and Hinata appreciated it, but he still felt weird. He could feel that behind their niceties there was an awkward feeling in the air and that was all because of him. When he collided against Asahi he hadn't known what to do, so he just stayed with them. But now he was dry and warm, the feeling of panic came back. He wasn't ready to face his teammates yet. He didn't know how he was supposed to act among them.
"Hinata?" Suga said, pushing the boy out of his thoughts.
"Ehh, well, thank you, but no. I am not hungry." He said and of course his stomach had to betray him right at that moment with making a sudden growling sound. Hinata quickly put his hand on it and tried to remember what he had for dinner this evening. Oh yeah, some bread, he didn't had energy to cook.
"That's sounds hungry to me." Asahi said, with his usual friendly smile.
"Well. Um. Yeah, I just." He didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure if he was ready to be with them yet, what if they started talking about his mother? But soup did sound quite nice. Besides, it was still raining outside, so he could just as well stay here.
"I guess soup would be nice." He mumbled, while following the other teens towards the kitchen. Diachi had a small homey kitchen with a dining area in the corner. The moment he sat down next to Asahi he suddenly felt really small.
"So how have you been doing Hinata?"
Of course that question was going to be asked. Of course, they would want to know, 'cause they were nice people and nice people asked how someone else was doing. But right now Hinata didn't really feel talking about how he had been doing.
Because he himself didn't even know how he was doing. The last few days were exhausting to say the least. He had turned his mind off and just went with the flow. He did what had to be done. Arranging the funeral, taking care of Natsu, making sure that his dad had his beer — before he would get angry. It was a lot.
"Hinata?" Suga said carefully, ripping him out of his thoughts. Hinata looked up and met the nice worried brown eyes of his senpai.
"I don't know." He just said, 'cause that was the truth. He really hadn't spent much time thinking about his own feelings. Meanwhile, Daichi was ready with the soup and put a big bowl in front of his nose. He put a plate with some toast in the middle of the table and sat down next to Suga.
Hinata snuffed the soup, it smelled nice. It was tomato soup, just like his mother used to make. He quickly grabbed his spoon and took a sip. The soup immediately warmed him up from inside. It was like he was wrapped in a big hug, and he quickly took another spoon. This was so good, it tasted like home.
He suppressed another shiver, even with the warm soup, his body still felt cold from the rain and before he knew it, Asahi dropped a small blanked around him. They were all so nice. Why were they so friendly to him? Hinata hadn't realized how much he had missed this. Being taking care of, instead of taking care of someone else.
It was almost overwhelming. And before he knew it a drip fell into his soup. Tears started to form in his eyes. He didn't want to cry, not in front of them. But he couldn't just hold it in anymore. So he bit his lips and let the tears flow.
"I'm sorry." He sniffled. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" "It's okay." Asahi started rubbing his back in circles. Daichi put a box of tissues in front of him.
"Sorry, I didn't want to ruin your nice evening." He stuttered, while trying to contain his tears — and failing miserably. He tried to swipe a few tears away, but they just kept coming and coming.
"You don't ruin anything. That is what teammates are for, you know? To be there for each other." Diachi said.
"Yeah, we understand Hinata, it's okay to cry." Sugawara added. And with that Hinata just let completely go of his boundaries and cried. Now that he had started, it felt like he couldn't stop anymore. He had opened the dam and now everything from the past week went out of it.
The third years waited patiently, letting him have his time to let it all out, although Asahi did keep rubbing his back, Hinata didn't mind. After five minutes it finally seemed to stop. He quickly blew his nose with one the tissues and took another spoon of soup.
"I am sorry." He said again and meant it. It was nice to let everything go, but he felt embarrassed for doing it in front of his senpais.
"Don't worry about it. It's better to let it all out, you know." Suga said, while taking another hap of his soup. Hinata nodded.
"Everyone missed you at practice, but you should take the time you need for yourself!" Daichi said. Hinata nodded.
"So how is everyone else doing. Any spectacular new moves learned?" Hinata asked, hoping that would push the conversation away from him. The third years totally noticed it, but luckily went by it.
"Everyone is doing fine, although we can't wait until you come back again!" Asahi said. Hinata nodded. To be honest, he hadn't really thought about volleyball the last few days. He missed it, but he wasn't quite ready to return yet. He needed a few more days before facing everyone.
"Nishinoya did almost get in trouble again with the headmaster today." Suga giggled. Hinata looked up. Not that it was weird for Nishinoya to get in trouble, the libero did do cool awesome stupid stuff on a regular bases, but this sounded like a good story. One that would lighten up the mood. Hinata could use something like that right now. Besides that, Hinata was just absolutely curious of what his senpai had done this time. The third years noticed his eagerness and soon Asahi started talking.
And once the story was done Hinata was laughing along with the three thirds years. The group started to recall all the other shenanigans their other teammates had pulled out the last year, even going over some of the stupid stuff that Hinata himself had done. He didn't even notice when the clattering from the rain on the windows stopped.
At ten o'clock Hinata returned home. It was silent and dark at home. He guessed his sister was still sleeping. He quietly walked into the living room, expecting to see his dad drunk and passed out in his big chair.
But to Hinata surprise his dad wasn't sitting in his chair, he was sitting in front of his mother's little place. He was holding her photo. Tears slowly dripping on the floor. Hinata had seen his dad sad, especially last week when they were all mourning. But he had never seen him cry.
His dad was whispering, talking to mom, but Hinata couldn't really make out the words. Chills starting to form on his body, seeing the sight in front of him. He didn't know if he should sit down next to his father or not. It looked like a private moment, one that he didn't want to interrupt.
So just as quiet Hinata walked in, the teen turned around and walked towards his own room. He fell down on his bed and closed his eyes. With the image of his crying dad in his mind, Hinata fell in a restless sleep.
At Saturday, it had been exactly one week ago that his mom passed away. Just one week. Seven days. Hundred-sixty-eight hours, that had passed since his mother left them. Time was a weird thing, Hinata had noticed. It felt like a century ago that Hinata was at the training camp, jumping around at court, playing cart-games with his teammates. It felt like another lifetime. But on the other hand, the past week felt like he stepped on a speeding train, never slowing down.
It was unbelievable that already one week had passed without his mother.
A few weeks ago – when she was still alive – Hinata had tried to imagine how it would feel if she died. He always thought that he wouldn't be able to survive if she passed away.
And there Hinata was, still very much alive, still breathing. He wasn't sure how he had survived these past few days. It was unreal.
Yesterday evening with Asahi, Daichi and Suga sure had been a great help. It was nice to just be out of the house for a few hours. But it didn't take any of the pain away. The dark feeling in his chest never seemed to go away.
He didn't really know how to describe this feeling. Sometimes it was like fear, other times more like grief and once or twice it felt more like anger. He didn't know what it was, so Hinata had just called it the dark feeling that's always there.
And if Hinata was completely honest towards himself, this dark feeling had been there way before his mother died, it probably started when she got sick. He had just tried to ignore it. Sometimes it rose towards the front, but most of the time it had been in the background. But it never left.
Now his mother died it felt like this dark feeling was eating him from the inside out. Sometimes it was so overwhelming that he didn't know what to do with it. Sometimes Hinata just shut down his feelings, so he could concentrate on other important things, like Natsu.
But of course just the one moment that Hinata should have focused on Natsu, was the one time he didn't. He just returned from the bathroom, when he heard a sudden bang, followed by a crying sound. And to make things worse, a few seconds later Hinata could hear his dad yelling.
It wasn't unusual for his father to yell or be angry, but it always focused on Hinata. He had never seen his dad actually do something against Natsu. It made his blood turned cold. No, this could not happen.
So Hinata raced towards the living room. Natsu was sitting on the ground next to their mother's little place. It was quick to see what had happened. Both the vase with flowers and their mothers picture were laying broken on the ground. But worst of all, the urn with her ashes lay broken on the floor. His dad was standing a few feet away, still holding a beer can in his right hand. All the while yelling at Natsu.
Hinata knelt down next to his sister, knowing that it wasn't smart to ignore his father, but still wanting to see first if his sister got hurt by some of the glass splinters. Luckily that wasn't the case.
"Shoyo! Why can't you take better care of your sister. Look what she did with your mother's ashes. Don't you have any respect at all." He yelled, while slowly stepping a bit closer. Hinata noticed that his dad only seemed to be a bit tipsy at the moment. That was good, how more drunk his father got, how less reasonable he was.
"I am sorry father, I promise I will clean it up." Hinata said, while standing up so that he was right between Natsu and his father. His dad shook his head and took a quick gulp of his beer. The broken man that Hinata had seen yesterday evening seemed to be completely gone.
"That's not enough. Natsu, I want you to go upstairs, now! I need to have a little talk with your brother right now." It was clear that his little sister had no idea what to do. She was frozen on her spot, with big eyes she looked at Hinata, as if she was waiting for him to say something.
"It's okay Natsu, just go upstairs and go play with your dolls, okay? It's fine!" Hinata assured her. She was still a bit unsure, but luckily she did what she was asked and ran out of the room. Soon you could hear her little footsteps on the stairs.
His dad looked at him with cold eyes. Hinata couldn't help but shake. He didn't want to, but he was scared.
"How do you think your mother would feel if she saw this. Her ashes, on the floor like this. How…why…this. I don't know." Out of the blue his father just started to cry. He let his beer can slip out of his hands, fall down on his knees, buried his head in his hands and cried.
Just a few seconds his father had looked angry, to such an extinct that Hinata had been scared of him. But now the man just looked broken. Hinata couldn't help but feel sorry for his father. Carefully he walked towards him.
"Dad, it's okay. I am sorry about mom's urn, but it's going to be alright." He said. Just right before his hand could touch his dad's shoulder, his father looked up. As fast as his father had changed from anger to sadness, he changed back. Hinata saw his dad's burning eyes and wanted to step back, but he was too late.
Out of the blue, his dad grabbed Hinata's throat and pressed down on it. Hinata grasped for air, with both his hands he tried to wrestle out of his father's grip. But his own strength was nowhere compared to his, there was nothing he could do. Hinata was at the mercy of his father.
He was scared. He didn't know what to do. Luckily his father didn't press so hard that he couldn't breathe completely, but it was getting hard.
"You stupid, stupid boy. It is all your fault. You hear me. You are worthless and weak. Look at you, if I wanted to, I could kill you right now." His father said, who was clearly not in his right mind at the moment, overtaken by anger.
But Hinata was overtaken by fear. Tears streaming out of his eyes. He couldn't move. His body simply refused to at the moment.
"Dad, please. I am sorry." He whispered. It worked. His father let go and just sat back on the ground. Like nothing happened, he grabbed the beer can he dropped earlier off the ground and took another sip. Hinata let himself fell on the ground too, but quickly shifted away from his father, until his back hit the wall. He quickly grabbed his throat with both his hands.
His father looked at him.
"If you were a better son, I wouldn't need to do this."
-Haikyuu-
I am sorry it took a little longer then normal for me to post this chapter, but here it is! I hope you guys like it! I am sorry I'm making it all sad, but I love the angst, and I know that you guys secretly love the angst too.
Thank you for all the nice comments! I love reading them! Don't forget to comment about what you thought of this chapter!
Shinigstar 862: Thank you very much! And I wish you good luck in Med school as well, with everything that is going on in the world right now! And I learnt about how important it is to take care of yourself when you are working in a health-related job. So I hope you also took good care of yourself right now!
1SilverandGold1: Thank you! I do hope that you find a way that writing becomes less stressful. When I was younger, I thought it was stressful too, but that was mainly because I was scared for what people thought of my writing. I guess I learnt to care less about other people opinions (although they still matter to me of course), that helped a lot for me. And I know how annoying it is when a fic is not medical correct, that is why I always try to do research whenever I am not sure about some medical stuff. But I am guessing that you're thinking about going into the medical profession? That is so cool! I hope you get where you want to go to!
Stay safe everyone and see you next time!
XXX
-Maredith