Haikyuu chapter 9

"If you were a better son, I wouldn't need to do this."

The painful words his father had said to him two days back echoed in Hinata's head. He carefully touched his throat. Although it had hurt in the beginning, there was no harm done to it in the end. No physical evidence of what his father had done.

After his father had said that sentence, it was clear that he wasn't finished yet. His father had taken a few sips from his beer, before making his hands into a fist, ready to punch him. Hinata had acted on instinct — without even thinking about it — he had jumped up and ran towards his room. He had been scared his father would follow him upstairs, but that wasn't the case.

The next day his father hadn't said anything about what had happened, Hinata had cleaned up his mother's place. Seeing the broken urn with all the ashes on the ground was devastating, his father had been right. With this Hinata had shown no respect to his mother what so ever. So his father had all the right to punish him. Hinata should have looked out for Natsu, he should have taken better care of his mother's shrine.

But he was glad that there was no physical evidence of what had happened, it was embarrassing enough for Hinata to know how horrible he was, he didn't want anyone else to know.

It was Monday morning. Hinata's first day back to practice and school. He wasn't sure how to feel. His body was itching to play volleyball again after not touching a ball for a whole week. But on the other hand, he was super nervous to see the team again. He was afraid that it was they were gonna act weird around him.

Hinata just wanted everything to go back to normal again.

"Hey Dumbass." Hinata turned around and saw Kageyama behind him. The teen was wearing sweat pants and a jumper.

"Oh hey, Kageyama." Hinata said.

"So you're back to practice?" Kageyama said, he sounded almost a bit too eager to Hinata's surprise. Had the setter missed him during training? Hinata almost started to blush by the idea, but quickly pushed it out of his head. Kageyama didn't wait for an answer, but kept walking until he was in front of Hinata.

"Are you coming? Because training starts in ten minutes, so we should hurry up." Hinata nodded and took a quick sprint, so he was walking next to Kageyama again.

"Yeah, I'm back. There was not much for me to do at home anymore." Hinata said, while nervously fidgeting with his hands. He could feel the awkward air around them.

"Good. You need more practice." Was all Kageyama said. The two teens fell in an awkward silence while walking forward. Normally Hinata would have just started rambling about what-ever, but he wasn't feeling like that today.

"So how have you been doing with, you know, everything that is going on." Kageyama said after a while. It was clear that he was just as uncomfortable as Hinata.

"It's alright. Well, no, of course it is not alright, but I guess I am dealing with it."

"I am glad you're coming back for practice. But if you need more time, that would also be understandable." Hinata wasn't sure how to answer, 'cause Kageyama was for once actually nice to him. He wasn't sure if he should enjoy the moment or wish that everything would go back to normal as soon as possible. A friendly Kageyama was just weird.

"Why are you looking so stupid…dumbass." Kageyama said out of the blue.

"I am not looking stupid. It's just that you being nice is weird, so I need time to process it."

"What! Why is that weird? Isn't it normal to be nice after, you know, everything?" Kageyama said, clearly confused about Hinata's statement.

"Well, for a normal person it wouldn't be weird to be nice. But it's you. So I guess I am not used at you being nice." Hinata confessed. They finally arrived at the school campus. It was way before school hours, so it was almost empty.

"Well, then you should just get used to it." Kageyama mumbled. Before Pinata could react the setter walked upstairs towards their club room. Nervously Hinata followed his friend.

"Good morning!" He said, while walking in, still a little flabbergasted of what his friend had just said to him. Almost everyone had already arrived at the club room.

"Shoyoooo!" Nishinoya yelled, while half jumping towards the first year. "Finally! You're back! Training is a lot less fun without you around!" The others in the room also welcomed him back, and he even got a hair ruffle from Tanaka and Suga. But gladly no one started talking about his mother.

Hinata was pretty sure that the third years had told everyone to act normal around him, which he was a hundredth percent thankful for. It made everything a lot easier. The same was to be said about Takeda and Ukai, who both welcomed him back and asked how he was doing, but didn't ask any further then necessary.

They did a pretty basic training. With a few passing drills, spiking practice and ended with a short practice match. The moment Hinata touched the ball it was like everything went back to normal. The last week had been surreal. It felt like volleyball gave him some grounding.

The classes were a bit different though. Hinata tried to concentrate, but was barely able to do so. His thoughts where all over the place, although they were mostly with his mother. Luckily the teachers cut him some slack.

After school, practice was a bit the same as in the morning, although they had to practice serving this time instead of spiking. It was clear to see the progress everyone was making, especially Yamaguchi and Asahi who both practiced a lot with their serves. Hinata was happy for them, but it hurt to know that he hadn't put that much energy in bettering himself as he used to do.

He knew that no one would blame him, but it still felt like he hadn't put enough energy in volleyball, with the team wanting to reach nationals.

What if Hinata would hold them back?

Soon the day was over. It was nice to know that although Hinata's whole world had been rocked, Karasuno was still the same, the team was still the same. Volleyball was still the same.

However, how much Hinata enjoyed playing volleyball, the dark feeling never left him. On some occasions it was hidden deep in himself, sometimes it would suddenly blossom, overwhelming Hinata with feelings like anger, grief or sadness. There wasn't much Hinata could do against it, the feelings just came and went however they pleased. So there were moments that Hinata was more silent during training, where he barely said a word. There were moments that he jumped around with all the energy in the world. There where moments were he hid in the toilet just to cry for a few minutes. He was sure everyone in the team noticed, but they all accepted it. They gave him the time Hinata needed.

And like that a few weeks passed. The dark feeling never left, but everyday it was more and more on the background. Hinata was able to put a bit more focus in volleyball.

Home, however, was a whole different matter. Hinata always tried to be as invisible as possible. His father hadn't taken their mother's death well, probably worse than Natsu and himself. Hinata tried to support him, but he always failed. His dad would hit him, saying it was all Hinata's fault.

It had gotten so bad that the last time his dad had taken out his belt and slapped Hinata with it on his back.

"You should know better."

"Why are you like this?!"

"It's all your fault."

"Your mom would be disgusted if she saw the way you are acting right now."

"You are only a burden to me."

In the past, whenever his dad had slapped or punched Hinata, he would apologize later. He had stopped with that for a while now. Probably because his dad didn't need to apologize, he had all the right to punish his own son right?

Hinata was laying in his bed. On his stomach. His back hurt too much to lay on it right now. Everything his dad had said to him the last few days were echoing through his head. Even though Hinata tried to be a better person, nothing seemed to work. He always made a mistake.

Maybe he just was born like this. Born like a mistake, a failure. He knew he shouldn't think like that, but after everything that was going on, he damn well started to fail like a mistake.

There was no other explanation. His dad wouldn't hit him for no reason. He wouldn't hit him if Hinata wasn't such a failure.

Because there was one thing Hinata never stopped believing in.

His dad loved him. It was a fact, something that Hinata hold on to in deer love. 'Cause it was all he got. So his dad didn't enjoy hurting him, no one enjoyed hurting a loved one. His dad only did it because it was necessary. Because Hinata was a failure.

His dad already noticed it. How long would it take for the team to notice? For the coach to see how useless Hinata actually was. If his friends knew what was going on in the Hinata-household behind closed doors, would they still accept him?

Or would they agree with his father, that Hinata indeed was a failure and stupid and without any respect towards his family. Hinata didn't want them to find out. He didn't want them to see. It would be too embarrassing. He wouldn't be able to take it.

Later on Hinata would recognize this as the moment that he switched. The moment something changed in himself. It felt like something finally became clear to him. He didn't need to think about it anymore, he didn't need to worry about it anymore, 'cause it was the truth. And he didn't know why, but he suddenly felt the need to write it down, to make sure he wouldn't forget about it. So that was what he did. He grabbed a random paper and a pan and wrote three fact down;

1. I am a failure.

2. My dad loves me.

3. No one can know about this.

Even though it wasn't really a nice truth, Hinata decided that it was better than being unsure of reality. At least now he knew what he could believe in and how he should act.

So that was Pinata did. He shut off, making sure that his teammates wouldn't find out what was going on. He always made sure to arrive either earlier or later to practice, so that no one would see the wounds on his back whenever he changed clothes.

When his injuries were too bad, he would call of practice, saying that he needed to take care of Natsu or just wasn't feeling well.

And he made sure to never talk about his personal life. Whenever the conversation went towards that topic, Hinata would redirect it, so that he never really had to answer their questions. He noticed that he started to get better at it. It became easier to lie. Even though it felt horrible, as if he was pretending to be someone else. But if that was what he needed to do to make sure that he wouldn't lose his family nor his teammates, than that was what he was supposed to do.

Hinata wasn't sure if his teammates noticed, especially Suga. The grey-haired teen started to give him more and more side glances and attention, asking if he was alright more than once and telling him that if there was something going on that it was okay to talk about it. Hinata was sure that Suga still hadn't forget about the moment that Hinata almost had a panic attack because Suga wanted to touch his stomack a few weeks past.

It was so tempting to give in to his senior. To just cry and tell him everything that was going on. But that would be the easy way.

Instead, he would just smile it away, telling his teammate that everything was alright.

-Haikyuu-

"Suga, could I talk to you." Kageyama had waited outside for the third-year after practice ended. Like usual, Daichi had to lock up the gym and Suga and Asahi had stayed behind with him. The rest of the team where already on their way home. It was a school-night after all, so they couldn't meet up after practice.

The third years seemed surprised, but Suga regained himself after a few seconds and gave Kageyama a welcoming smile.

"Of course! Guys, you can go ahead, my mom is picking me up here anyway, so I see you tomorrow."! Suga said towards Daichi and Asahi, who clearly got the clue that this something Kageyama wanted to discuss under four eyes.

"See you tomorrow! Don't make it to late tonight!" The captain yelled, while already walking off the school ground together with Asahi. When the two where gone Suga turned around, looking curiously at Kageyama.

"So what did you want to talk about? Do you want some tips for setting? Cause I've got some new moves I looked up online." He said. Although Kageyama was curious about those new moves — everything regarding volleyball grabbed his attention most of the times — he quickly shook his head.

"It's about Hinata."

"Aah. Hinata." Suga didn't seem surprised.

Of course not, of course Suga had noticed it too. He had probably noticed it before Kageyama had. Because that was the kind of person Sugawara was.

Kageyama had expected Hinata to behave a bit different after his mother died. That was only normal. He had decided that it was okay if his teammate would act sad or weird. Kageyama would support him. And the first two weeks seemed okay-ish. Sometimes Hinata was just like usual, annoyingly happy and enthusiastic while jumping around. Other days he would be a bit more silent, a bit more taken back.

But that was okay. He would still play volleyball, he would still hit the ball that Kageyama tossed to him.

However since a week Hinata started to act different again. At first Kageyama hadn't noticed the difference, because both behaviors where very alike. And Kageyama found it hard to describe what exactly the difference between the two was, but it was as if Hinata was shutting them out, as if he wasn't really with them. The teen still jumped around with the same energy and the same smile on his face, he still hit all the tosses that Kageyama tossed towards him.

But it almost seemed fake. Whenever the team would joke around, Hinata wouldn't say a word, whenever they wanted to do something after school, Hinata would reject politely, whenever Kageyama or someone else asked him a question about home, Hinata would never give them a clear answer.

At first the setter had put his new behavior under grief, but it still didn't feel right. This new Hinata was…well it was just…. Weird?

Again Kageyama wasn't sure how to describe it. But he was sure that he didn't like it. But what was he supposed to do with it? Asking Hinata himself probably wouldn't turn out well.

"Hey dumbass, I think that you are acting weird, even though your mother just died it annoys me, so what's going on?" Yeah, that was certainly a no-go. Hinata would probably run away terrified.

That was why he was standing in front of Sugawara at the moment. His senior was the kind of person who did know how to handle in these kind of situations.

"What did you want to talk about regarding Hinata?" Suga asked, ripping him out of his toughs. For a few seconds Kageyama wasn't sure how to explain it, but then he looked into his seniors eyes and remembered that Suga knew too. Kageyama wouldn't need to explain, 'cause Suga already understood.

"Hinata is acting weird and I don't know what to do about it." He just said and Suga slowly nodded, however before he could answer, Kageyama continued. "I know that there hasn't passed that much time since his mother passed away, but it just doesn't feel right."

"I think I know what you mean. The process of grief is a weird thing and it takes time to process what happened for Hinata. I think it is important to accept that and give him time to heal, while showing him that there will always be a place for him at Kurasuno."

"But this just doesn't feel like grief. It feels different. I don't know why, but I want to do something. I just don't know what."

"Did you talk to him about it?" Suga asked, Kageyama quickly shook his head.

"I don't know how." He mumbled, a bit embarrassed. Suga gave him a quick smile at this.

"To be honest, I think I know what you mean, Kageyama. I noticed it too, it's like Hinata is starting to distance himself from us. If that is what he needs at the moment, that is okay of course, but it's not a bad idea to show him that we care. I tried to ask how he was doing a few times the past days, but he always waves it away, but maybe you have a better chance of getting him to open up then me."

Kageyama didn't know what to think of that. Why would Suga ever think that Kageyama had a bigger change of getting Hinata to talk then himself? Suga was like the most social skilled person on the team, he was the nicest, the one who made everyone feel welcome. Kageyama was probably the least social skilled of the whole team — well he liked to think he was better than Tsukkishima — but he was still pretty bad socially. So why on earth did his senior think that Hinata would want to open to him?

Apparently Kageyama must have looked really confused, because Suga started to giggle.

"You don't really understand it, do you?"

"No, I don't. Why do you think I have a change of getting Hinata to open up?" He asked while holding his head a bit to the right. "

Well, maybe you should just go talk to him and you will see for yourself." Suga said, just before a car on the parking place of the school started to honk. The third gave it a quick look before looking back at Kageyama. "Look, that's my mom, I can't keep her waiting. But just talk to him, I'm sure it will be okay. See you tomorrow and make sure you get home safe!"

Kageyama waved his teammate goodbye, before starting on his walk home. The words of Suga raced troughs his head.

Just talk to him.

He made it sound so easy. But for Kageyama things like that were far from easy.

But maybe he should give it a try. Maybe Hinata would open up towards him.

With some new-found courage Kageyama didn't know he had, he walked home, deciding that he would certainly find a time to talk with Hinata tomorrow.

-Haikyuu-

Hinata hoped that his dad wouldn't notice him coming home. He hoped that he could just quickly grabe some food for both for him and Natsu — who was brought home by Hattori Chiba, his mothers friend, she was a elementary school teacher at the same school as Natsu and wanted to help the little family out by bringing Natsu to school and back home — and eat that upstairs.

However, luck wasn't by his side this time.

"Shoyo, is that you?" His dad walked towards the kitchen, where Hinata had just opened the fridge.

Hinata wasn't sure if he should answer, his dad never seemed to like whatever Hinata said.

"Why are you just standing there? Why are you so late?" His dad yelled.

Hinata stiffened, so not saying anything was also something that his father didn't like.

"I-I was at volleyball practice?" He stuttered, while slowly stepping a bit further away from his dad.

"Why do you even go there! Do you have any idea what I had to put up with here? Natsu was crying, she needed you… I needed you."

Hinata froze. Natsu had needed him, and he wasn't there for her. She was the one person he never wanted to let down.

"I'm sorry." Was all he could say.

"Is volleyball more important than your family?"

"What?"

"Is volleyball more important than your family?"

"I…no… I mean… I dunno..."

"Are you choosing a stupid sport above your own family?"

"No, of course not!"

"Then quit...quit volleyball."

-Haikyuu-

That was chapter 9. Sorry for forgetting to post a new chapter! However, I have written a few chapters in advance, so I am sure I will be able to post next week!

Don't forget to review!

Stay safe and healthy!

XXX

-Maredith