Chris: Last time on Total Drama Action… Fourteen teenagers. One engaging host. A dilapidated film lot. And a whole lot of coin. Ka-ching! Oh, and did I mention a remote controlled monster? I love this show. Some fared better than others. Owen ran for his life, but didn't make it very far. Until he chowed down on fake food props and scored the reward, first pick of the cast trailers. Shockingly, Owen picked the wrong one. The girl's hope of victory were crushed, along with their new digs. Who will be one step closer to the million bucks? Find out on another thrilling episode of Total. Drama. Action!
(The cast are in the Craft Services Tent trying to get breakfast while Bridgette and Geoff are holding up the line)
Duncan: Keep the line movin', lovebirds.
(Bridgette and Geoff keep kissing as they leave the line)
DJ: More eggs and bacon for me. Keep it comin', Chef.
(Chef growls at DJ)
Duncan: Forgot how hungry I got last year eating on Chris' wrecked schedule.
Gwen: I know! Got to the point where I'd kill for Chef's disgusting food. No offense, Chef.
Chef: None taken.
(Chef plops Gwen's egg on the ground)
Duncan: You can have my burnt toast, big mouth.
(Duncan gives his toast to Gwen)
Gwen: Judging from that gut, I thought you'd be all over the extra carbs.
Duncan: Nice.
(Trent walks up to Duncan and Gwen)
Trent: You can have my toast, Gwen.
Gwen: Thanks, but I can't take enemy toast.
Trent: Enemies? We're not enemies.
Duncan: In this game, we're all enemies.
Trent: Except for me and Gwen. I'll always have her back, no matter what.
Gwen: Right back at you, babe.
Duncan: I'll remind you two of that when the money's being divvied up.
(All three of them walk off)
(Lindsay and Beth are gathered around Izzy as she pours ketchup on her pancakes)
Lindsay: That is so wrong.
Beth: So wrong.
Izzy: In battle, we put ketchup on everything. Covers the taste of mortar.
(Izzy walks off)
Lindsay: My new nail polish is mortar. Isn't it hot?
(Lindsay shows Beth her gray nails)
Beth: Gray is so totally your color.
(Tyler walks up to Beth and Lindsay)
Tyler: Hey Lindsay, would you like my toast?
Lindsay: Sorry Trent. Maybe next time. See ya!
(Lindsay and Beth walk off)
Tyler: Aw man...
(Noah walks up to Tyler)
Noah: Relax. There's plenty of fish in the sea, just wish you didn't choose the only one out of water.
(Owen walks up to Chef)
Owen: Ugh. No eggs and bacon for me, Chef. I'll just have this...nice bowl of…prunes.
(Everyone gasps)
Owen: What?
- Owen Confessional -
Owen: My, uh, plumbing's been clogged ever since I ate all those fake food props. Pressure buildup's been killing me! Aw…c' mon, colon. Don't fail me now!
(Owen's stomach begins to grumble)
Owen: Oh, I hear bells!
- End of Confessional -
(Chris enters the Craft Services Tent)
Chris: Welcome to day two of Total. Drama. Action!
Duncan: Are you gonna do that every time?
Chris: Yes. Yes, I will.
Duncan: All right then.
Chris: Today's movie genre: Aliens! Our unpaid interns have been hard at work figuring out what makes an alien movie successful. Chef?
Chef: You got three basic rules. Aliens wanna take over the world and start making lots of baby aliens, people fight back, then the military's called in. Yo, Chris! Where's my paycheck at?!
Chris: It's...in the mail.
(Chef growls at Chris)
Chris: Today's challenge, find an alien egg and return to home base before Mama Alien finds you. The two fastest get to pick the teams this season.
Duncan: Sorry, losers, but no one knows alien movies the way I do. The more obscure, the better.
Gwen: "I'm gonna blend up those no-good aliens, and have them for breakfast!"
Duncan: Dude, Alien Chunks is my favorite alien movie of all time!
Gwen: Me too! I've seen it twenty-seven times!
Duncan: Fifty-three.
Gwen: You'll be tough to beat. But I have my lucky charm.
- Gwen Confessional -
Gwen: I love the scene in Alien Chunks where the turn the aliens into fruity blended drinks. I even have the necklace.
(Gwen pulls out a silver necklace with a little blender design on the bottom)
- End of Confessional -
Trent: I like that movie where the aliens take over the government. "Take me to your leader."
(Duncan starts laughing at Trent)
Duncan: Oh, dude, you are so going down.
Trent: It was a good movie! Right…Gwen?
Gwen: Uh, okay. This is kinda awkward.
DJ: Yo, Chris! You got some laser-shooting monster playing Mama Alien?
Chris: Not quite.
(Chef walks out of the kitchen wearing an alien costume)
Chris: You call that slime? Makeup! More slime over here!
(Slime falls down from the ceiling onto Chef)
Chef: I hate my life.
(Chris starts handing out GPS devices)
Chris: Here are your GPS devices, complete with maps of the film lot. Find the alien eggs, but be careful. 'Cause today, you're all on Chef's menu.
(Chef chuckles as the contestants head off to the challenge)
(All the contestants are walking through a labyrinth as the challenge begins)
Izzy: Hey, follow me! I know aliens! Uh-huh. I've been abducted loads of times. There's a tracking device in my neck, see?
Harold: Does it hurt?
Izzy: Only when I hiccup.
(Izzy hiccups which causes her to get shocked)
Izzy: Ow.
(Leshawna stops in front of a mysterious door)
Leshawna: Can you feel that? It's like there's something in there cold as ice, with no soul
Chris: Thanks.
(Chris laughs)
Chris: Now take that!
(Chris presses a button, which sends steam from a nearby vent at the contestants)
(Izzy, Harold, and Owen scream as Harold jumps into Leshawna's arms)
- Leshawna Confessional -
Leshawna: I have already told that skinny little tadpole that things between us aren't meant to be. Guess he can't get over the lusciousness that is Leshawna.
- Harold Confessional -
Harold: I'm pretty sure Leshawna isn't over me yet. I see the way she looks at me. Like she's un-pantsing me with her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes. Like chocolate almond– ooh!
- End of Confessionals -
(All the contestants continue walking)
Heather: How come we're the only dots on the screen? Where's Chef?
(Justin looks around to notice Heather)
Justin: How did you get in our group?
Heather: There are no groups yet. Plus, there is only one way we can go.
- Beth and Lindsay Confessional -
Beth: Even though Heather can be really mean, that doesn't mean we should be mean back, right? Buddha says, "You can lead a sheep to water, but you can't make it nice."
Lindsay: That is so deep!
- End of Confessional -
(The contestants stop as they hear suction noises)
Gwen: Shh!
(Owen makes a massive fart)
Owen: Aww, yes! First one! Smell it.
(All the contestants look at Owen)
Owen: Sorry.
(The suction noises continue)
Trent: What is that?
(Everyone looks over at Beth)
Beth: Ever since I got my braces off, I don't make that sound anymore!
Leshawna: Chris! Is that you?
(Chris is on the cameras watching the contestants)
Chris: I get blamed for everything.
Duncan: It must be Chef. You wanna run or you wanna kick some alien butt?
Gwen: Let's kick some alien butt!
Trent: Yeah, let's…kick some alien butt!
Harold: So, who wants to go first?
Leshawna: Uh, please, please, after you.
(Leshawna nudges Harold to go)
DJ: After you. I insist.
(DJ nudges Owen to go)
Owen: Don't worry, Izzy. I'll protect you.
(Izzy throws Owen over her shoulder and onto the ground)
Owe : Wha, oh!
Izzy: Heh. It's Kaleidoscope. E-Scope for short.
(Owen is barely concious on the ground)
Owen: Yes, sir, E-Scope, sir!
DJ: Okay. Let's do this. Mama! If you're listening, you can have my limited edition Raptor's draft cards! They're worth some serious coin!
(Beth angrily storms forward)
Beth: I didn't suffer through eight years of braces, headgear, saliva spittle and the ridicule of my peers so I could hide from life!
Leshawna: You go, girl!
Beth: Watch out, alien Chef, 'cause here comes Beth!
(Beth turns a corner to see Bridgette and Geoff kissing)
Beth: Oh! It's just Bridgette and Geoff!
(The rest of the contestants turn the corner)
Duncan: Oh, nice. Don't you two ever get sick of sucking face?
(Geoff and Bridgette continue kissing intensely)
Owen: I'm guessing that's a no.
Gwen: Enough messing around. We've got alien eggs to capture.
- Gwen Confessional -
Gwen: I wasn't worried about Chef. Alien costume or not. I mean, I did place second last year, I know exactly what I'm doing!
- End of Confessional -
(The GPS devices start beeping faster as Chef begins approaching the contestants)
Gwen: Good thing we're all lined up in a row, huh?
Trent: Yeah. Ready for Chef to pick us off one at a time.
Gwen: We're really gotta work on our strategizing.
GPS: Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger!
Heather: Let's get out of here!
Justin: Which way do we go?
Lindsay: North is nice, but east is least, west is best!
Leshawna: Can't argue with that. Wouldn't even know how to!
(Leshawna, Lindsay, Beth, Tyler, Justin, Katie, and Sadie head west)
Gwen: Map says the boiler room's east of here.
Duncan: Alien eggs are always in the boiler room.
Trent: Uh, yeah, totally. East it is!
(Duncan, Trent, Gwen, DJ, and Cody begin heading off for the boiler room as Geoff and Bridgette try to join them)
Duncan: Where do you think you're going?
Bridgette: With you, to the boiler room.
Duncan: Sorry, but the lovebirds are on their own.
(Geoff and Bridgette gasp in shock)
- Duncan Confessional -
Duncan: In any alien flick, the kissing couple's always the first to go. There's no way Romeo and Juliet are gonna ruin my chances at a million big ones. Uh-uh.
- End of Confessional -
(Duncan, Trent, Gwen, DJ, and Cody head off to the boiler room)
Geoff: This is it, baby. Better make it good.
Bridgette: That is the most romantic thing I've ever heard!
(Geoff and Bridgette start kissing more intensely than before as the remaining contestants, consisting of Heather, Noah, Owen, Izzy, Eva, and Harold get annoyed)
Heather: Everyone, snap out of it! If it we don't bring it together, we are gonna lose this challenge! Now who is with me?
Owen: Ah, it's hard to say. Um, does being "with you" imply some sort of an alliance?
Izzy: 'Cause we don't like you.
Noah: Owen, it's worse. You'll have to wear a wig like her.
Owen: Nooooooo!
(Owen starts running around in circles as Noah chuckles before Eva trips Owen to stop him)
Owen: Sorry...
Heather: Okay. Okay. Forget being with me. Who's willing to walk beside me in mutual pursuit of our goals, with no commitment of any kind?
Owen: I can agree to that.
Harold: Count me in.
(Chef lowers from the ceiling and falls on the floor with a loud thud)
Harold: Did anyone else hear that?
- Harold Confessional -
Harold: I may not be the best looking guy, or the best dressed, or the most buff. But I get my butt kicked a lot. So my senses are totally heightened. I can sense when something's coming. Nothing gets by me.
- End of Confessional -
(Chef taps Harold on the shoulder to get him to turn around)
Chef: Say hello to eternity.
(Chef fires a paintball at Harold which hits him square in the chest, knocking him to the floor)
Harold: I'm hit! I'm hit!
(Owen feels his stimach grumble)
Owen: Uh! It's time! Take me out! I beg you! It's an emergency!
(Chef shoots Owen in the chest)
Owen: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Make way! Coming through!
(Owen runs off as he starts farting with one of them hitting Geoff and Bridgette which causes Geoff to be stunned in digust, dropping Bridgette)
- Owen Confessional -
Owen: Aw, man. I didn't think I was gonna make it. Haha. But these bowels never let me down. Great job, guys!
(Owen farts)
Owen: Oh! Haha. I think there's more. Coming through!
(Owen leaves the confessional as an intern starts spraying to get rid of the scent)
- End of Confessional -
(Chef chuckles to himself as he slowly approaches Heather, Noah, Izzy, and Eva)
Heather: I am not going down without a fight, you glorified dung beetle lizard whatever!
Izzy: One of us isn't getting out of here clean!
(Izzy pulls out her own paintgun and points it at Chef)
Izzy: Haha!
Chef: You call that a paintball gun?
(Chef backflips away from Izzy before pulling out an even bigger paintball gun)
Chef: This is a paintball gun!
Izzy: Fun! I love this game!
(Izzy pulls out the same paintball gun as she stares intensely at Chef)
(Heather, Noah, and Eva stand shocked)
Heather: Okay. Well, I'll just let you two have at it.
Noah: I second that motion, Eva?
Eva: I'm not arguing.
(All three of them start running in the opposite direction)
Izzy: If I can handle hand-to-paw combat with a polar bear, haha, I can handle a bald, emotionally withdrawn cook in a Halloween costume.
Chef: Who are you calling a cook?!
(Chef starts firing paintballs at Izzy; however, she manages to avoid them by backflipping out of the way. Izzy then fires a paintball at Chef, which he barely dodges, leaving Izzy shocked as Chef unloads his paintballs on her. Izzy is ultimately hit and falls to the ground)
(Chef looks over Izzy's body as she appears dead)
Chef: Uh-oh. Not again.
(Izzy gets up and starts laughing)
Chef: I thought you were dead!
Izzy: Yeah. I get that a lot. Okay.
(Chris watches the interaction from the cameras)
Chris: What was that?! Where are the guts? The gore?! I'll fix it.
(Chris throws away his hat and tie before pulling out a militray camp hat and putting it on)
Chris: I really should wear camo more often.
(Geoff and Bridgette continue kissing as Chef walks up to them)
Chef: I once knew a love like that.
(Chef shoots Geoff and Bridgette, knocking them to the floor)
(Duncan, Trent, Gwen, DJ, and Cody enter the boiler room as they see a bunch of alien eggs inside)
(Heather, Noah, and Eva are walking around as they run into chef)
Noah: Dang it. Alright, I surrender.
(Chef nods and shoots Noah)
Noah: Eva does too!
Eva: Wait wha-
(Chef shoots Eva as he grins menacingly at Heather)
Eva: Why'd you do that, Noah?
Noah: Just watch and enjoy the show.
(Noah and Eva turn around to see Heather scream loudly as she runs away from Chef)
Chef: This is for last season when you put laxatives in my brownies! The only thing that should give people the runs is my undercooked meat!
(Heather is shot from behind as her wig flies off onto the ground)
Heather: Ahh! My wig!
(Heather dives for her wig, but it ends up falling through the floor)
(Eva joyfully grins as she looks over at Noah)
Eva: Definetly worth it.
Heather: No! Don't look at me!
- Heather Confessional -
Heather,Ever since my head was shaved last season, my hair is growing in all patchy and uneven. I've tried everything. Lotions, lasers, traditional Burmese medicine.
(Heather takes a sip of Burmese medicine before spitting it out)
Heather: Gah! Loser shaman!
- End of Confessional -
(Leshawna, Justin, Lindsay, Beth, Katie, and Sadie enter a mysterious room with nothing in it)
Lindsay: How did we get here?
Justin: Hah. If we knew, we wouldn't be lost.
Lindsay: You are so smart, Justin. And gorgeous.
Leshawna: What a knockout!
Beth: Totally gorgeous!
Katie and Sadie: We love you, Justin!
Katie: We feel so safe with you!
Sadie: You'd never lead us into a trap!
(The door to the room closes as they are trapped in)
Leshawna: I hate to be the bearer of big bad alien news, but I think this may be a trap.
(Chef walks up to a water pipe before plugging in a hose)
Chef: We gotta hire an effects crew.
(Chef chuckles as slime rains down in the room from a sprinkler system causing the girls to scream)
Katie: Disgusting!
Sadie: Yuck!
Beth: Gross!
Lindsay: Ooh, grody!
Justin: Ooh, feels so good!
Beth: Looks even better.
- Beth Confessional -
Beth: You know what? Models are people too. We stare at them, but they've got feelings just like the rest of us. They've got hopes and dreams. My dream is to marry Justin. My mom says that if I concentrate really hard, one day, all of my dreams will come true!
- End of Confessional -
(Duncan, Trent, Gwen, DJ, and Cody are inspecting the eggs)
Trent: Wow. They look so real.
DJ: Woohoo, we won! Yeah!
Duncan: Not so fast, big guy. We still have to get the eggs back to home base.
(The GPS beeps as chef starts making his way towards them)
Gwen: Quick, lower me down!
(Trent lowers Gwen down towards the egg, but when Gwen grabs an egg, it breaks on impact)
Gwen: Ugh. Ever heard of plastic props?!
(Gwen eventually gets everyone an egg)
Cody: Should we head out?
(Suddenly Chef appears from the door)
Chef: Nope!
(Chef takes a shot and shoots DJ in the back)
DJ: Ahh!
(Duncan, Trent, Gwen, and Cody make a run for it as Chef chases them)
Chef: Ahhhhh!
DJ: Save yourselves!
(Cody looks ahead and notices something)
Cody: There's a door up ahead.
(The remaining four try to get to the door as Chef takes a shot at Gwen)
Chef: Gotcha!
Cody: No!
(Cody notices the shot and jumps in front of Gwen, getting shot in the nuts, forcing him to fall to the ground in pain)
Cody: Right in the squajealies...
(The remaining three manage to run through the door and reach the outside)
(Chris begins speaking through a megaphone on a helicopter as Chef approaches the contestants)
Chris: Attention, civilians! The military is here to protect you now! Unfortunately, we can't let you leave with any alien eggs.
Trent: But we're supposed to take the alien eggs! That's what you said!
Chris: Right! I did!
(Chris chuckles to himself as he releases nukes of slime at the contestants below)
Duncan: Incoming!
(The contestants and chef dive out of the way as the nuke explodes and unleashes a wave of slime in every direction)
Chris: Whoo. Glad I don't have to clean it up.
(The contestants walk back to see Duncan covered in slime)
Duncan: Does this mean I'm out?
Gwen: Too bad, so sad. More money for me.
Duncan: Ooh, down for the count.
- Trent Confessional -
Trent: Duncan is always acting like such a tough guy. Ooh, you've got a mohawk. Oh, you're so tough, bud. Haha. Yeah, hairspray's really manly. I love seeing Gwen stick it to Duncan. She's so awesome. I'd do anything for her.
- End of Confessional -
(Gwen notices all three eggs are gone)
Gwen: Oh no. Our alien eggs.
(Duncan, Trent, and Gwen notice Chef covered in debris as an alien egg on the top of the debris is about to fall to the ground and break)
Duncan: I'm on it!
Trent: No, I'm on it!
(Trent starts running to the egg before Gwen notices her necklace is gone)
Gwen: My necklace, it's gone!
(Trent looks back to see Gwen's necklace about to fall down a sewer drain)
(Gwen gasps as the necklace starts to fall into the sewer until Trent catches it at the last second)
Trent: Gotcha.
- Gwen Confessional -
Gwen: I know this is gonna sound really girly. But I was seriously touched when Trent chose my necklace over the egg. Most guys would've gone for the win.
- End of Confessional -
Duncan: Pfft. Personally, I would've picked the win.
(Chef starts to get up from the debris, which knocks the egg over as it falls onto his head and break)
Chef: Whoa…
Trent: Sorry about losing the egg.
Gwen: Thank you for saving my necklace. I want you to have it, for luck.
(Gwen puts her necklace on Trent as Duncan coughs out of annoyance)
Duncan: Girl!
(Chris comes down from the sky with a parachute)
Chris: You three gave it a valiant effort. But you're still losers!
(Trent notices Chef getting up which reveals two intact eggs behind him)
Trent: Not so fast, Chris. Looks like my good luck charm is working already.
(Trent picks up the eggs)
Trent: Gwen, meet you at home base.
(Trent escapes Chef and heads to the finish line with the two eggs)
Chef: I'll catch you next time! Ooh!
(Chris walks up to Chef)
Chris: Can't you do anything right?
Chef: Where's my money?! Hm? Give me my money!
(Chris runs away from Chef as Gwen and Trent reach the finish line)
(Chris walks back to the finish line with an angry Duncan)
Chris: We have our two winners. Our only two winners. The rest of you really stink. As our winners, Gwen and Trent will now be able to pick their teams, which means they'll be competing against each other this season.
Trent: Aw, dude. No!
(Chris laughs)
Chris: Bet you didn't see that one comin'. After we vote off two cast members in the most thrilling Gilded Chris ceremony yet…
(Everyone gasps)
Chris: Yes, you heard me. I said two. I'm liking the twos today. Must be Tuesday.
(Silence is heard as Chris gets annoyed)
Chris: Yeah, I don't get paid to write this show.
(The contestants all sit down on the bleachers as the first Gilded Chris ceremony begins)
Chris: It's time to cast your votes. Under your seats, you'll find your voting devices. Just press the button of the person you want voted off. Oh, and no peeking. Or it's…
Chris: Na na na na na na na na hey hey hey goodbye!
(The contestants all vote)
Chris: The votes have been cast.
(Everyone laughs as Chef comes up on stage wearing a sparkly, pink dress with a tray of Gilded Chris statues)
Chris: If you get a Gilded Chris, it means you're safe. For now. And the Gilded Chrises go to…Trent, Gwen, Harold, Duncan, and Izzy.
Izzy: E-Scope!
Chris: Fine. E-Scope, Lindsay, Justin, and Beth are also safe.
Lindsay and Beth: Yay!
(Lindsay and Beth hug Justin)
Chris: So is Owen! My man!
Owen: Aww, thanks, Chris. Haha. And thanks Chef, for doing what the prunes couldn't.
Chris: Then we have...Noah, Eva, and Tyler.
Tyler: Alright!
Chris: Next is DJ, Leshawna, surprisingly Heather, and the final two Gilded Chris go to...
(Katie and Sadie hug each other tightly as Geoff and Bridgette do the same)
Chris: Katie and Sadie!
Katie: Yay!
Sadie: Woohoo!
(Katie and Sadie hug each other out of joy)
Bridgette: But…but…I thought everyone liked us.
Duncan: "Liked" being the operative word.
- Duncan Confessional -
Duncan: I know exactly who's gonna get it this week.
(Duncan imitates Geoff and Bridgette kissing)
- Lindsay Confessional -
Lindsay: Two words. Bridgette and Geoff.
- DJ Confessional -
DJ: Least they'll have each other.
- End of Confessionals -
Chris: Any final words?
(Bridgette and Geoff shrug as they start kissing)
Lindsay: Cutest couple ever!
Duncan: Get a room already!
(Bridgette and Geoff continue kissing the entire way to the Lamousine and hop in right before it takes off)
Chris: Who will Gwen and Trent pick for their teams? Will Izzy ever answer to her actual name? Will Owen finally get some lunch?
Owen: Thank you!
Chris: Tune in next time for another exciting episode of…Total. Drama. Action!