Talk and a Box

"I hear you didn't like my tea." AJ said, walking down the quiet, dark street with Daryl in direction of the park.

"It was pretty bad." Daryl nodded, "You can't possibly like it."

"I've learned to. It keeps my stomach from feeling nervous." She said, "Once you get used to it, it's fine."

"Nervous tea?" Daryl asked her as she smiled. He didn't know why he was walking around with her. One minute he was crying to Punk, next he was in their house, and now he was with AJ.

"Has it passed? The panic attack?" AJ asked him.

"Yeah. For now." Daryl nodded, "Phil said there's someone he knows that I could talk to about it. I'm thinking maybe I'll give it a go. I'm running out of options. And he promised it wasn't a psychologist." He said as AJ nodded.

"It's me he wants you to talk to." AJ said as Daryl turned to her with confusion.

"You?" Daryl asked, "Why?" He shook his head as they walked into the town's large open-spaced park.

"Cause I know the feeling pretty well." AJ told him, "I mean… I've never been to prison, but I've… I've experienced something pretty bad in my past. So bad I barely left the house for a whole year. And when I did eventually venture back out into the world, I would get panic attacks all the time. I still get them. Not often but… occasionally." She said as Daryl listened closely.

"I'd… I'd never have guessed." Daryl said, not really knowing what to say.

"That's part of the problem. It's something we try so hard to ignore and hide, thinking if we do, it'll get better or disappear." AJ said, "And it doesn't."

"What do you do to stop them from happening?" Daryl asked, feeling like he'd won a golden ticket by finding someone who knew exactly what the feeling was like. The heavy, soul crushing feeling that took over him entirely.

"This is the part you're going to hate." AJ said, nodding to a bench for them to sit down at which they did.

"I'm not meditating or doing any weird spiritual shit." Daryl said as AJ smiled.

"You don't have to do that." AJ said, "But you have to talk. Whenever you feel that horrible pressure in your chest or the back of your throat starting to get bad, talk to someone, tell them why you're feeling that way, and tell yourself that it will pass. Because it does." She nodded, "If there's nowhere around, call someone. You have plenty of people in your life who will pick up the phone." She said.

"Is that what you do?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah. Whether it's Phil, or Lyla. My Aunt. I just talk to them about what it is that's stressing me out or worrying me, and instantly I feel a bit better." She nodded.

"How long have you been having them?" Daryl asked curiously.

"They started about ten years ago." AJ said, "Back when I was in New Jersey."

"Is that why you came here? Cause sometimes I think running away would be the better option. When I'm in it, and I got that feeling in my chest, and I can't breathe… I think maybe it'd be better if I just disappeared." He admitted as AJ sighed, feeling a lump in her throat.

"It would not be better if you disappeared." AJ made clear with a shaky voice, reaching out and taking his hand, squeezing it tightly, "I left New Jersey because I didn't have much going for me there. My Aunt was going travelling. All I had was Lyla, and she came with me." She smiled, "You mean so much to everyone here. It'd be a much duller place without you. Please don't ever think otherwise." She said as he nodded, truly believing her words, knowing she meant it with how tight she was squeezing his hand.

"Was there a reason you started getting them?" He asked, "You… You don't have to tell me, obviously."

"I mean… I was always a worrier as a kid and a teenager, so I think it was always lying dormant in me, waiting for an opportunity to come out." She said, "But yeah, there was a reason." She nodded.

Punk had asked her if she would talk to Daryl about her own experience with panic attacks. He left it up to her regarding what she wanted to share with him. How much she wanted to share.

"You don't have to tell me." Daryl shook his head, feeling her reluctance.

"I was raped." AJ said as he turned to her with shock, "At college. I'd gone on a couple dates with this guy and then one night he showed up at my dorm. It was… pretty bad. I had broken ribs, he tore a patch of my hair out, snapped my computer in half… he didn't leave my room until 5am the next morning." AJ nodded.

"God, I'm so sorry AJ." Daryl said, feeling a lump in his throat.

"I was in hospital for a few weeks. I had a lot of trauma to my head. But when I was released, I didn't go outside. I stayed home and I baked." She smiled as Daryl looked at her with immense sadness, but also inspiration. He always thought she was a strong person but knowing this really put it into perspective.

"Did they get the guy?" Daryl asked, "Is he in prison?"

"Yeah. For life." AJ nodded, "It's why Craig was harassing me. Todd wanted me to retract my statement so he could reduce his sentence. Craig was trying to harass me into doing it." She explained as Daryl nodded slowly, "And instead you got caught up in it. And I'm sorry for that."

"No… no, don't apologise." Daryl shook his head, "Don't apologise for anything." He said.

"I had my guard up for so long after I was attacked. Lyla and my aunt were the only people I spoke to. Even when I moved here, I kept my circle small, and I didn't get close to anyone. I was so scared I'd get hurt again." She said, "The panic attacks were frequent. I had one when I went on that date with Luke." She said as Daryl listened, starting to make sense of a lot of things.

She wasn't telling him for the sake of telling him or to get sympathy, she wanted him to see that overcoming a living nightmare was possible. She was living proof.

"Does Phil know?" Daryl asked.

"Yeah. I told him before we even hooked up. I just instantly felt safe around him. And he helped me. He let me talk about it in my own time. He listened. Gave me a hug when I was having a down day. He still does." AJ smiled.

"You're really brave." Daryl nodded to her.

"So are you." AJ smiled, still holding his hand, "You got people here that will listen to you, Daryl. You're not in prison anymore. You're home." She reminded him.

"There was this one time in prison…" Daryl began to tell her a story. One of many. Her bravery and courage rubbed off on him, and as he began to talk about prison and all his worries, he felt the heaviness lessen in his chest. For the first time since he got out, he truly didn't feel alone.

"Are you sure you're ok?" Shiv asked.

"I'm fine. It just busted open." Finn said, whose nose had finally stopped bleeding, leaving him with swelling and the beginning of a bruise.

"I can't believe he done that." Shiv shook her head, feeling like the past twenty-four hours weren't real.

"I hit him first, to be fair." Finn said.

"Yeah, but he deserved it." Shiv shook her head.

"You should go see where he is. Check on him." Finn said, "He's not thinking straight, Shiv. You know he didn't mean any of that."

"What if he did?" Shiv said, "He hooks up with Christina, and then loses his cool when he thinks we're hooking up? He's such a damn hypocrite."

"He's messed up. He's got… scars all over him." Finn sighed.

"What do you mean?" Shiv asked, standing in the living room whilst Finn sat on the couch.

"I've noticed them if he's been walking around here with his t-shirt off. I've not asked him about them cause I don't want to tip him over the edge." Finn said, "But I think he's already over the edge now." He shook his head.

"You think he got them in prison?" Shiv asked.

"Where else?" Finn asked, "And he has nightmares pretty much every night. I sit awake at night and listen to him yelling out." He said as Shiv swallowed the lump in her throat, trying not to imagine it, the very image of it in her head was distressing her.

"I should have visited him." Shiv realised. Something she thought about all the time for the past four years, but now could fully admit out loud, "He needed me. I should have… I should have been there for him." She said, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"You did what was best for you at the time. You had a lot going on." Finn said, "It's just going to take some time for him to get through it."

"I didn't think he'd want to see me." Shiv said, "And being pregnant… I thought it would just hurt him. Knowing he was going to miss so much. I thought I was protecting him but… he needed me."

"Shiv, don't do this to yourself. There's no point." Finn shook his head.

"I have to go." She shook her head, wiping her face.

"Why don't you stay? I can make us coffee. Daryl will be back soon, probably. The three of us can talk." Finn suggested.

"No, I have to go." Shiv shook her head, rushing out of the apartment and closing the door behind her, heading down the stairs and out onto the street.

She walked and walked until she couldn't feel her face or hands from the cold. Every part of her knew it was a bad idea, but her legs carried her to where she wanted to go.

She walked down the dirt road just on the outskirts of the town, folding her arms over her body. She arrived at the house, walking up the porch steps and knocking on the door gently.

She waited a few seconds, her stomach feeling hollow with nerves, watching as the door opened and her mother stood facing her.

"Do you have letters for me?" Shiv asked her.

"Excuse me?" Lisette shook her head, "Why are you here?"

"Daryl sent me letters. When he was in prison. He sent them here and I never got to read them." Shiv explained, "Did you keep them?" She hoped.

"Your dad dealt with the mail." Lisette shrugged.

"Can you ask him?" Shiv asked as Lisette looked at her.

"Wait there." Lisette rolled her eyes, closing the door over on Shiv who stood on the porch, clasping her hands together and blowing into them for some heat.

She felt like she didn't know her own mind right now. She was doubting everything. Should she have visited Daryl? Did she do the right thing? Would she have changed her mind if she got his letters? Was he ever going to be the same Daryl she remembered and loved? Or had prison changed him for good? The prison she was responsible for putting him in…

She turned back around when the door opened, her mother standing with a box in her hands.

"What's that?" Shiv asked.

"Your dad put all your mail in here. When we cleared your bedroom out, we put other important documents in too. Birth certificate. Your college acceptance letter. Lot of good that did." Lisette shook her head, extending the box to Shiv who took it.

"And you never thought to give it to me?" Shiv shook her head.

"We forgot it was there." Lisette said, "There's some other stuff. Dancing trophies and photographs. Everything else went to charity." She said as Shiv nodded slowly. Sometimes she couldn't believe this woman was her own mother.

"Thank you for… being so considerate." Shiv nodded sarcastically.

"Is that it?" Lisette asked.

"Yeah." Shiv nodded.

"Next time he comes to this house, I won't hesitate to phone the cops." Lisette warned.

"Sure." Shiv mumbled, walking down the steps before hearing the door close.

She held the box tightly and walked all the way home.

Daryl got home to his and Finn's apartment after several hours of talking with AJ. He felt his body lighter, just by telling her of the past four years. He still felt immense anxiety over everything he had to conquer. Being a good dad, learning how to live again, apologising to those he'd hurt in the past twenty-four hours.

He walked into the apartment and saw Finn sitting on the sofa, holding a bag of frozen peas to his nose.

"Hey." Daryl said, feeling awful all over again as he saw Finn's nose.

"Doesn't feel as bad as it looks." Finn assured him, "Where'd you go?" He asked as Daryl walked over to the sofa.

"Walked around for a bit. Spoke to Phil and AJ." Daryl nodded, "I'm… so sorry." He shook his head, "I'm just… I'm not myself and I'm not coping very well. I feel like I don't know or remember how to live normally." He shook his head.

"It's fine." Finn shook his head.

"No. No it's not fine. You're my best friend. And I'm glad you punched me first because I was out of line, and I deserved it." Daryl said, "I'm just sorry I hit you back."

"I know you're dealing with a lot." Finn said, tossing the bag of frozen peas on the coffee table, "I'm just worried about you, man. You're not you."

"I know." Daryl nodded, "I just underestimated how difficult this would all be. Being back here. Seeing Shiv. Finding out I have a kid. Hearing you guys talk about stories and memories that I was never a part of."

"And the panic attacks and nightmares?" Finn asked.

"Something I'm trying to deal with." Daryl nodded, "I'm… talking to someone." He said vaguely as Finn just nodded, not pressing the matter.

"That's good. You need to talk." Finn said, "It kills us all to see you like this. This town was never the same when you left. Now you're back, but it still doesn't feel the same."

"Doesn't feel the same for me either." Daryl said, "I'm not the same."

"Shiv is worried about you." Finn told him.

"Where did she go?" Daryl asked.

"I don't know. She took off. She probably went home. I think we all need some sleep." Finn said, standing up from the sofa, "I'm sorry you've had such a terrible four years. I'd do anything to take some of the burden from you. Just know I'm here for you. Don't push the people who care about you away." Finn said.

"I won't." Daryl promised, "I got a little girl who I need to be there for." He nodded with determination, "I can't keep looking back."

"Only forward." Finn agreed.

"Do you think I should go see Shiv? I want to apologise for being such a terror these past couple days. I've caused her nothing but grief." Daryl shook his head.

"I think we should all get some sleep. Give Shiv some space. She's been upset tonight." Finn said as Daryl nodded, feeling a stab of guilt for the hurt he'd caused the person he loved the most.

"Yeah, ok." Daryl nodded to himself, "Are we… good?" He hoped as Finn looked at him.

"We're good." Finn nodded, "Come here." He sighed, pulling Daryl into a brotherly hug, squeezing him tight as Daryl hugged back.