"I was putting the final touches on my mind control device. My name, to all who read this was Stewie Griffin. I was born smarter than your average infant. I'd been quite famous until the taping dog came along. Course after the aliens no one knew what to believe anymore. My parents were offered chances to send me to College early but Lois wanted to raise me normal until I was just a little bit older. I decided I would hide just how smart I really was. Unfortunately, Lois thought it was a toy and took it away from me. Father was fired from work for showing up with a hangover. I still can't believe he's my father. How can I be so smart and he be so stupid. He tried other jobs. What save him though was pure luck. There was a welfare error and he got 150,000 dollars back, which of course he spent on big things, or at least tried to. He couldn't get Michaelangelo's David or get Meg Surgery or build a moat to keep out the Black Knight. Instead he opted to throw the money from a blimp during Super Bowl XXXIII on January 31st, which led to him getting arrested and being arrested for Welfare fraud, specifically not reporting it."[1]
"So my father was gone and I was left with Lois. I destroyed my Sesame Street Telephone before we went with a laser gun. Meg had to learn to drive and get her driving license. Father suffered in prison from lack of television. He reportedly made a cardboard cutout of a TV and walked around with it in front of him to pretend he was watching TV. They let him do it. He wasn't hurting himself or anyone else. It's a shame he missed William Shatner coming to town. I on the other hand tried hand on a weather control device. Unfortunately I made the…rather stupid decision to test it during a thunder storm. It was struck by Lightning and I fell off the roof, I was badly hurt and in bed for a few weeks.[2]
"Shortly after getting out of Jail, father got into trouble again. He punched a woman at a soccer game, thinking she was a man. He was put under house arrest. He decided to open a bar in his basement since he worked at a brewery. It was a surprising success as he brewed his own beer. Mother began to sing, making father jealous. I was working on a time machine at the time and was mad at mother for exposing them, nonetheless I persisted. A fire started at the bar, Quagmire later admitted to causing it by accident. I tested the time machine and it worked. I went back a few days and stayed out of sight. Then I went forward again and decided to call the Fire department before the fire even broke out. So they were there when it happened. I was worried about changing time too much but this seemed like a safe bet."[3]
"Father was a safety inspector at the local toy factory. We got new neighbors, the Swansons. I met them with Lois. Bonnie, Joe and Kevin. Joe was in a wheelchair. He told me this story of trying to stop the Grinch on Christmas, which even then I knew was false. It was just something he told children when they asked. Meg had a thing for Kevin, the son. Peter invited Joe over to play on the Toy Factory's softball team not knowing he was paraplegic. Suprisingly he played well since he had experience and was a former cop.[4].
"Dear Diary. Chris again. I was in the Youth Scouts. I didn't want to be but I also didn't want dad to know but its ok because I was kicked out for running over the troop leader during a Soap Box Derby. Dad did find out and actually worked to get me back in. Brian was at home watching TV. On the war there we stopped at a Native American Casino and Lois became addicted to gambling. We got kicked out after she bet the car. Dad tried to claim to be Native American but they didn't believe him and kicked him out."[5].
"A Heatwave gripped Quahog. We didn't have air conditioning. There was a dog show coming up for $500 Dollars. Being a Dog I was roped into performing demeaning tricks. Just me asking to compete caused an uproar since as a talking dog I had a huge advantage. I hated being demeaned with dog treats. What followed was the first of several arguments. Peter. Brought up how he found me on the side of the road and took me in. I left. They tried replacing me with a cat. That didn't work. Despite being a miracle of nature I was hauled doff by police for a fight with a drunken hobo. I was at first to be put down by lethal injection but several scientific groups intervened. I studied the law. I made my case, mentioning Plessy vs Ferguson. I don't think it mattered in the end since I was saved for Science and the situation was settled. Since I had the intelligence of a person I was tried as that and it was the end of it[6].
'My first Birthday, September 11, 1999. We were supposed to eat at Cheesie Charlie's but Peter ruined that by picking a fight with the manager. I had vague memories of my Earth of a man in White. It seems all so silly now. Meg had made a new friend at school called Jennifer. Peter gave Meg permission to go a party at a friend's house. Turns out she was part of cult about to commit mass suicide by drinking the Kool Aid. Peter pulled Meg out just in time. That only left the cult leader. Jim Jones. He hadn't drank the kool-aid and followed Meg home. I thought he was the man in white and well I took great delight in ending him. He seemed scared or shocked by seeing a talking baby. He asked what is this? And I told him "It's a boy!" Before I fired. So yes, he wasn't the Man in White after all but I thought I'd won and I can't feel to bad executing a cult leader."[7].
Notes
[1]The original episode had Peter actually succeed in all the endeavors mentioned, which 150,000 dollars wouldn't afford in real life. Stewie also hypnotized the Judge to let Peter and Lois go which he doesn't do here.
[2] The entire plot of the second episode has been averted due to Peter going to prison. He's not there to mess up Meg Griffin's learning to drive or cause the cable to go out and blame Meg for it. This also saves the life of William Shatner, as without meeting Peter since he's in Prison, Shatner is not present when Meg crashes into the car he and Peter are in. He dies in the original episode as a callback to an earlier scene playing an episode of Star Trek where all the main characters and one red shirt go down to a dangerous planet where its clear one of them will die, making it obvious its the red shirt. Said Red Shirt actor is there when Shatner dies and admits he didn't see that coming.
[3] In the original episode, Stewie's time machine sends him back and is destroyed accidentally by Peter, who injured his leg and prevents the entire episode as he can't go to. Chris's soccer game.
[4] Largely the same minus the Bank Robbery towards the end since unless you have a police radio it's unlikely one will just happen unless you stage it yourself. The Season 11 episode Joe's Revenge revealed the true story of how Joe was paralyzed. He was shot in 1996 by Bobby Briggs, who was running a drug operation, after Briggs discovered he was an undercover cop). The episode does confirm the Grinch story was a lie he told children instead of the darker truth.
[5] Largely the same but no vision quest since the Native American elders wouldn't make Peter and Chris wander into the desert. This has a butterfly effect of Peter not seeing the Fonz in his vision and he is at least at first less accepting of Peter's desire to draw.
[6] Different ending without Peter bribing the Jury. It becomes more of a case of whether to treat Brian as a dog or a human but because realistically, a talking dog would be an amazing thing that no one would want to risk being destroyed.
[7] The original episode was set on Stewie's Birthday which was retconned as September 11. 1998 despite the episode airing in April 18. Since the plot centers on it being his birthday, its been moved to occurring later to allow one year to pass, meaning several episodes take place before it now. Due to the shared continuity with the Simpsons: Real Time, the unnamed "Man in White" is Jim Jones, who in the latter timeline was involved with Movementarianism rather than Heaven's Gate.