MOTHER

~ an Empyrean series Fanfiction

It's been two hours since we left Hedotis. Flying over the endless expanse of blue searching for a strip of land to rest before we head for Zehyllna. I glance over my shoulder to look at Garrick for the twentieth time, as though if I let him out of my sight he will disappear into thin air. He is sleeping, resting his head on the back of Chradh's neck, his chest rising and falling uniformly and I'm immediately reminded of how that wasn't the case just a couple of hours ago. I look away unable to breath. I had come so close to losing him, my best friend, my brother, the guy that had stood with me by side since we were children. With Liam's death still being a nightmare had I lost Garrick too today then …. I shudder at the thought. Sgaeyl tenses beneath me sensing my turmoil and I try to relax for her sake. So, I turn to my right to look for Violet, but her gaze is already set on me, her eyes brimming with so much affection and concern that my heart instantly swells. She has been trying to talk to me ever since we left Hedotis, her warmth softly brushing up against my shields but I can't bring myself to talk to her yet, so I give her a reassuring smile wordlessly saying I'm fine hoping she'll take the bait, but of course she sees right through me. She extends an arm as if to reach for me, but then Tairn says he can see land and the riot shifts towards it to rest for the night.

The moment we land I can feel the sudden shift in air. Something's different here. I turn back to look at everyone and I can see that they sense it too. Before I can put my finger on it, Sgaeyl grunts in my head. I can talk to her again and judging by the way Ridoc laughs in Aotrom's face I can say that the others can too.

I turn back to look at Sgaeyl and speak into her mind.

"Well, I know you have a list of everything I did wrong in the last month, go ahead".

"Huh" she scoffs. "You bet, but I'm not in the mood right now" she dismisses.

But I know that's not it, she's cutting me some slack because of tonight and I couldn't be more grateful for it.

"We must be in one of the smaller isles surrounding Zehyllna, that explains why we are all able to talk to our dragons and gryphons" says Drake.

Soon we set up camp and after Cat and Mira run a perimeter around the isle and declare that its safe, I stand up to go hunt for food when Violet grabs my wrist.

"It's okay, I'll go hunt with Ridoc, you go take a walk or something" she says.

I look into her eyes and it hits me. Ever since I turned, she's changed so much too. We don't fight for the silliest things anymore, we don't argue over our different opinions, we've learnt to accept them, she's understood all my moods, defended me even against my own friends, supported me in every decision I take and I don't know why I hadn't acknowledged this before. Maybe because neither of us have had the time amidst all this chaos.

I inch closer to her and take her face in my hands. She immediately wraps her arms around my waist as if on reflex and smiles up at me like I'm the most important thing in her world making my chest tighten. I want to tell her everything I have in my mind but I'm unable to find the words, so instead, I press a soft kiss to her forehead and whisper "I love you, Violet". She turns to the side burying her face in my neck and hugs me tighter. "I love you, Xaden" she whispers back. "Now go and come back soon" she pushes me gently and I start walking past the riot.

Ridoc and Aotrom spray each other with sea water, Aetos, Mira and Drake are hunched over the map in an intense discussion, to the left Cat and Maren are sharpening their daggers while Garrick is sitting on the floor next to Chradh his eyes closed.

I don't look back to see what the dragons are doing because the moment I see him the events of the night come back to me and I start walking faster. Once I'm out of sight I start running and the one person's face I want to forget flashes before my eyes.

My mother's.

Everything. Everything I don't want to remember comes back to me. Her soft touch. The way she would laugh and ruffle my hair affectionately every time I said something to make her laugh. The way she used to stroke my head gently till I fell asleep. The way she used to run behind me all over the kitchen every time I snuck in for some chocolate cake. All of it. All of it fucking comes back to me. And I can't breathe. And I know its not from the running.

I stop, bending over, leaning my hands on my knees and panting heavily. I can't, I Just can't take it anymore. I sink to the ground my knees digging into the sand as my vision turns blurry. The door that I had kept tightly shut for thirteen years had opened today, completely unexpectedly and I don't know how to put it all back in and shut it again.

"Who said you have to?" Sgaeyl's voice sounds in my head as she emerges from the trees behind me.

I had been so caught up in my emotions that I hadn't even sensed her. Suddenly, I'm hyperaware of my emotional state. Sgaeyl chose me for my ruthlessness not for my emotional vulnerability and I certainly don't want to appear all weak and mushy in front of her. So, I try to clear my throat and get up but she walks forward and sits down on her hindlimbs in the sand next to me.

"Crying is never a sign of weakness, my boy" she says reading my thoughts.

My boy.

She's never called me that. I look up at her unable to process this newfound emotion or this warmth that fills me when I heard her say that.

"She was never a bad mother, you know" I say before I can stop myself. "She was always so gentle with me, in a way my father never was. When I think back on all the years I spent with her I can only remember feeling so loved. She used to sit by my side and cry every time I fell ill. She learnt knitting only so she could make a blanket for me. She was everything to me and more, which was why it was so difficult for me to believe that she was simply…gone"

"In all the time that I had after she left, I thought numerous times as to why she just left. Of course, my father told me that her contract had expired but I wasn't ready to take that for an answer" I spit out angrily, my voice rising.

"In all my childishness, I thought maybe she didn't like Tyrrendor, maybe she didn't like being with my father or maybe she got bored of being a mother, but I always thought she'd come back, whatever the reason might be. So, I waited for her foolishly. Every. Single. Day. Every time I would fall down, I'd turn back to see if she would come running to me like she used to, as if she was only hiding somewhere in the house."

I stay quite for a long time unable to continue further. The sound of waves crashing against the shore is so calming and so at odds at what I'm feeling on the inside.

"The day they executed my father" I continue in a whisper "I sat on the roof overlooking the entryway to the house. People thought I needed to be alone but I was actually only waiting for her. I thought somehow, she'd hear the news and come running to comfort me. But she didn't…. come" I finish barely audible. These are things I've never admitted to anyone and never will. But I want to tell her, want Sgaeyl to hear for some reason.

"Again, in my stupidity I thought maybe she didn't come because she didn't know. But after entering Basgiath and after I came out of my naivety, I was able to see and accept things for what they were. But today hearing it right from her…. I… I …" I struggle to form the words, my voice breaking.

"She knew Sgaeyl, she knew" I literally scream in frustration shooting up to my feet. "She knew they had publicly executed him, she knew they had made me watch, she knew I had taken responsibility for a hundred and seven children at the age of seventeen," I start pacing in front of her." She knew I was fighting a war and didn't come to me". I breakdown and fall onto my knees this time right in front of her and shake my head bowing down.

Silence.

"Seeing her today with her children made me realize one more thing" I continue, I'm letting it all out today. "She didn't not like being a mother, she just didn't like being mine" I finish. Tears slide down my face involuntarily and this time I don't try to hide it.

Sgaeyl brings her tail towards me, the tip of her dagger hooking beneath my chin lightly as she lifts my face up. I look up at her eyes and they are filled with a softness I've never seen before.

"Xaden" she says her tone dripping with so much love and care that it feels like salve on my burning wounds.

"You always thought I chose you for your ruthless streak or because of the one that came before from your bloodline, but you are wrong. I chose you for the man you became despite everything that came your way. I chose you for the leader you became when you set aside the pain of losing your father that night and paid the price so the other children had a chance to live. I chose you because you risked your life to do the right thing so the gryphon riders would have a chance against the venin. I chose you because you've always been fair…... even when every single situation thrown at you was unfair."

"Not all of us get the family we truly deserve Xaden. Life can be cruel sometimes and take away what we love the most, but it also compensates in the most beautiful ways. There is always a balance. Look around you, you have a best friend that has been your strongest shadow through all odds, a brother who would die being your right hand, a girl who is willing to lay everything down to save you from yourself and you have … me. And we all love you." She finishes.

I gawk at her wordlessly. She has never…. I get up from the ground and walk towards her to stand right between her forelegs. I stretch my arms out and nuzzle my face into her chest scales, hugging her as tightly as possible as the pain inside me that was there a few minutes ago transforms into something beautiful I don't want to name. Her tail wraps around me in an embrace and she lets out a warm breath that ruffles my hair affectionately.

I wipe my tears and step out of her reach, turning and walking towards the camp. Sgaeyl follows.

"Tomorrow is going to be a long day at Zehyllna. Don't do anything stupid like you've managed to do so far."

There she is. The Sgaeyl I know. I smile and nudge her leg with my shoulder.

"Whatever you say old lady"

"One more time you call me that, and I'll be the first dragon to scorch its own rider". I laugh throwing my head back.

She is and always will be the mother that chose me.

END