Dallas, Texas
June 1979
"He said, 'It's such a shame not to see your face,' to which I asked him again to stop. He never listened to what I was saying; I don't even know if he heard me, because the next thing he asked was whether it was a preference or because I was shy, as if my discomfort couldn't possibly be because I was disgusted and trying desperately to escape."
Recounting her memories to Doctor Rogerson, everything felt fresh again, like it had just happened a moment ago.
"You were coerced," the doctor said gently.
"Yes, but I don't think he saw it that way," Sue Ellen replied. "He reassured me that I didn't need to be reserved, that guilt makes for a terrible experience, and that I should relax. That was his favourite phrase. He was always trying to make me relax, promising he had just the thing to relieve my tension. He was the reason I was tense."
Jock had always seemed to have a limited and predetermined perspective on his behaviour. She'd expressed her discomfort, and he'd either ignored her completely or, worse, dismissed her concerns as nonsense, insisting that her attitude was the problem or that there were issues in her marriage. To Jock, the idea that she might not want what he was offering was too absurd to consider, so he didn't.
"Oppressors never see themselves as antagonists," Doctor Rogerson observed.
"No, they don't," Sue Ellen agreed, nodding. Her experience reflected exactly what the doctor had said. Compelled by the silence that followed, she continued.
"That time I was telling you about, his chest was against my back. I could feel him ready before he even made a move. He kept talking about relaxation, touching me, then he shifted me so I was on my back. I couldn't maintain my modesty. He wanted to see my face. He touched me and complimented me on my 'beautiful face and well-kept body.' I objected again, and he silenced me. I think there was some comment about only wanting to hear cries of passion. I don't remember, I tried to forget."
Explaining it, she wished she hadn't, because the act of describing what had happened brought vivid recollections of how she'd felt that night. She could remember how his eyes had swept over her, how his fingers and lips had touched her, lightly at first, then applying more pressure to force her to open up.
"I'm sorry," Doctor Rogerson said quietly.
"It's not your fault," Sue Ellen replied.
"I was expressing empathy. I'm sorry for you. I feel for you."
She felt for herself too, but it didn't help. "I feel him on me, in me. I can't get rid of him."
Her senses had experienced things she should have never known. She would've preferred to be unable to describe what lay beneath Jock's robe, what his kisses tasted like, how his bristles felt against her skin, what his worked-up breathing and groaning sounded like, how heavy he felt against her in the moments after his peak, or how his presence lingered long after he'd finished and left her alone.
"You're safe here," Doctor Rogerson reassured her.
"But what about outside these walls?" Sue Ellen asked.
Since her admission, her desire to drive into a lake and not resurface had diminished. Knowing she was locked away from the real world helped her in a way, but she wasn't naïve. She knew she couldn't stay at Brooktree forever.
"You have options," the doctor said. "He held unequal power over you before, but no more."
"That's so much easier said than done," Sue Ellen sighed. She didn't know what else to say. Southfork was Jock's home; she could never return and feel safe there again. But what else was out there for her? That wasn't clear.
"Jock, what are you doing here?"
Miss Ellie stood in the doorway of their bedroom at Southfork, looking tired and pale.
"This is my home," Jock replied.
"I meant in our bedroom. You're not welcome here," Miss Ellie said, her voice firm but weary.
Jock had been in and out of the house lately, still living his life despite his family's best efforts to stop him. But now he intended to return permanently, tired of considering everyone else's feelings when they didn't extend the same courtesy to him.
"I don't see why I shouldn't be here or why it matters. My home, my rules. I'm staying. If you're not happy, you leave."
"Jock, please," she pleaded.
"No. I've had enough of answering to other people and being discreet."
"You want to ignore what happened?"
"Ignore? No. Live with it? Yes."
He was hopeful that in a few weeks or months, they'd all be dealing with a very different reality than the one they faced now. He had a good feeling about Sue Ellen's physical condition, even though her emotional state was shaky, if the reports from Brooktree Psychiatric were to be believed.
With any luck, that would change soon. Sue Ellen wanted a bigger family, and this time he wanted to experience it with her. Little John was theirs, but no one knew it, and no one treated him the way he deserved. He felt he had missed out on all the changes she had gone through the first time she'd been expecting and he didn't want to let that happen again. He wanted to be there for every moment, and the first step was being present at Southfork when she returned.
"I'm tired, Jock. I want to rest," Miss Ellie said quietly.
"Fine by me," he replied.
"Alone."
"It's dinnertime. I'll be downstairs."
Jock shrugged. He had questions but didn't bother asking them. Ellie clearly wasn't in the mood to talk, and he wasn't one to force her, that wasn't his nature.