"Gleaming, twinkling, eyes like sinking ships on waters. So inviting, I almost jump in."
– Gold Rush, T.S.
Despite the condom event and my neverending embarrassment, I manage to keep myself from bursting into flames during the silent ride back. We've barely entered the gate and haven't even slowed to a stop when I'm already sliding off the back of the saddle and landing harshly on the hard dirt, slightly rolling my ankle in the process. A strangled grunt forces its way out of my throat from the impact, but I barely register Daryl's mildly horrified expression before taking off to our makeshift camp, hobbling as fast as I can.
"Thanks for the ride!" I call out over my shoulder, not bothering to turn around or wait for an answer. My backpack awkwardly jostles on my shoulders, sweat matting my shirt to my back.
Why does this dumb crush turn me into an awkward teenager again? Wasn't once enough?
"Hey! How'd it go?" Glenn calls out from where he's sprawled out on a picnic table with his injured ankle thrown up casually on the bench. Maggie is noticeably absent, but he's surrounded by enough supplies to indicate she's been close recently.
"Pretty uneventful," I lie.
"Then why do you look like that?"
I shove my hand into my pocket to fist the foil packets and slam them down on the table, right in front of him. He sputters before hurriedly thrusting them into his own pocket, worriedly glancing around to ensure no one saw. A small glimmer of satisfaction rushes through me as I note his flaming cheeks must match my own. Misery truly does love company. Maybe we all turn into gawky kids again when our hearts get involved.
"Whoa! I don't remember these being on the list. I don't think Herschel would approve either."
"Yeah, well, I was trying to be a good friend. Too bad an exorbitant amount fell out of my pocket in front of Daryl, making me look like some kind of sex-crazed pervert." The burn on my cheeks might be permanent, a terminal case of embarrassment. "No good deed goes unpunished."
Glenn stifles a laugh before I level him with a glare. If I'm going down, he's going down with me. I'll call Maggie over right now to weigh in on this.
"I appreciate the thought, but Maggie hasn't indicated she'd ever want anything to happen. I think it's all pretty one sided on my end."
I'd briefly witnessed Glenn's crush on Amy but that was before I knew what a nice, sweet guy he is. From what I've seen, his flirting skills are severely lacking and it seems like he has more experience in the friend zone than as a romantic partner. Still, something about his chemistry with Maggie feels different. Important.
"No way, I've seen how she looks at you. Plus, I didn't leave you with all this stuff." I gesture to the books scattered around him, a plate of carrots, and the pillow under his ankle. "She's into it. You just have to set the vibe."
"I'm sure that won't be hard with Herschel and her sisters around," he laments, eyeing the house dubiously.
"Sneaking around can be exciting though. Sounds like fun to me…" I trail off, unable to help the way my eyes wistfully flick to the stable.
The more I've gotten to know Daryl, the more I've liked him. He's been a fierce defender of the inevitability of Sophia's safe return while tirelessly looking for her– taking an arrow and bullet in the process. He tolerates Raven being around and has warmed up to her. When I needed to make the pharmacy run after he'd already been out hiking for hours, he accompanied me without so much as a complaint. Despite his hard exterior, I've never met someone so selfless and loyal. Not to mention, he is hot as hell and chiseled by the gods. Even covered in dirt and sweat, the fantasies write themselves about what those rough hands could do and how they'd feel on my skin.
Glenn's smug grin makes me clear my throat, trying to compose myself. Caught. I shake my head to try and erase the steamy thoughts threatening to short circuit my brain.
"I've seen how you and Daryl interact too. He hides it better, but there's something there."
Dropping my head in my hands to hide my flush, I shyly smile into my palms. It's not true, but it's a nice thought anyway. Besides all the death and horror, the apocalypse has been pretty boring. No TV or movies, trapped wherever you're safe, with the same mediocre food over and over– mostly in the form of canned goods. Some fun, lighthearted drama is a nice break.
"Pfft, I wish but I don't think so. He probably just feels bad for me or something."
Since we met, I've acted like the equivalent of a shivering chihuahua in the rain. Crying about Aly, needing to be saved from the Vatos, needing a chaperone to be able to sleep, losing Sophia. It's been one shit show after another. He's obviously drawn to broken things that need some form of protection.
"That's definitely not it, and I think he'd be pissed if he heard you saying that," Glenn looks around again, as if Daryl might materialize behind us. He doesn't, but Lori does.
"Mila, can I talk to you?"
"Maggie will probably be more likely to come back if I'm not here," I mumble, low enough for only Glenn to hear as I press my hands on his shoulders to stand. Embarrassment processes first, and then the hopeful optimism I'm used to seeing. Picking up the book next to him, he pretends to read but there's a zero percent chance he's retaining a damn word.
Lori and I find a clearing where we can speak in private. She nervously crosses her arms, but I already know what this is about– rifling through my pack for the supplies she asked for and handing over a nondescript paper bag.
"The side effects from this can be… intense. Vomiting, abdominal pain, hemorrhage. You have to come get me if the bleeding seems abnormal."
I'm truly not trying to discourage her, but it's my self-designated job to ensure she's aware of the reality of taking this medication. Informed consent means having all the knowledge to be able to make an educated decision.
"I understand. Thank you for handling this delicately," she hesitates, biting her lip. "I want to tell Rick but I just–"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Lori. It's an impossible decision, and I trust you'll do what's best for you and your family."
My arms wrap her in a hug while she sniffles against my shoulder. I may not understand the whole Shane situation, but I don't envy any of the incredibly difficult choices she has to make now. Lori pulls back, giving me a rub on my arm before walking away– presumably, to take the pregnancy test. Unfortunately, with our luck, I'm already sure of what the result will be.
Raven comes bounding up to me from the treeline and sits at my feet, head cocked in a silent question.
"Raven, I've missed you. You should've been there to see me act like an idiot today." I give her a scratch behind her ears while she hums in appreciation. "And thank you for keeping Daryl safe while he looked for Sophia. You're a good girl." My praise earns me a lazy tail wag. Barring my initial choice to follow Daryl back to his camp, finding and keeping this dog has been the best decision I've ever made.
The sun is just starting to set behind the mountains, illuminating a variety of orange and pink cotton candy tufts floating over the Georgia sky. As with all small moments of pleasure lately, it is instantly followed by guilt and the feeling that I'm not doing enough to look for Aly or Sophia. Who am I to be able to observe this pretty sunset in peace? Every second wasted puts their lives at risk. There's not much I can do for Aly right now, but I can go check on Carol and let her know I'm thinking of her little girl.
Raven and I cross the farm towards the RV. The door is closed, which isn't unusual. Carol deserves privacy with all she's going through. I linger outside, debating on whether to knock or abandon the plan entirely, when a gravelly voice carries out the open window. Looks like someone else had the same idea that I did.
"It's a Cherokee Rose. The story is that when American soldiers were movin' Indians off their land on the trail of tears, the Cherokee mothers were grievin' and cryin' so much 'cause they were losin' their little ones along the way– from exposure and disease, starvation. A lot of them just disappeared. So the elders, they said a prayer askin' for a sign to uplift the mother's spirits to give them strength and hope. The next day, this rose started growin' right where the mother's tears fell."
I should walk away– this conversation is obviously private– but my glacial heart is melting so expeditiously, I'm not sure I could move my legs if I tried. My heels are practically cemented into the dirt. Raven sniffs around the perimeter, oblivious to my racing pulse and internal dilemma as Daryl continues.
"I'm not fool enough to think there's any flowers bloomin' for my brother, but I believe this one bloomed for your little girl."
How can one man be so perfectly sensitive and kind while simultaneously being the biggest bad ass that has ever existed? My embarrassment earlier didn't incinerate me, but this might actually be the moment I combust into flames. My all encompassing adoration is disorienting and distracting, so I'm not prepared for the RV door to abruptly open. Daryl meets my shock with surprise of his own, before transitioning into acceptance as it registers that I was eavesdropping.
"Sorry. Uh, I didn't know you were here. Just came to see how Carol was doing," I nervously explain. He gives me a small nod and squint, which I think I'm starting to learn means he is cautiously processing. "That was a beautiful story you told her."
Daryl reaches into his front shirt pocket, pulling out and presenting a single, white petaled flower in between his fingers.
"Got ya one too. For Aly."
The air has been sucked out of my lungs, leaving me breathless and stunned. Never in a million years did I expect him to think of me, or Aly, enough to go out of his way to bring me back this stunningly sweet symbol of hope. He shifts on his feet, arm still outstretched with the offering, my absence of a reaction making him visibly uncomfortable.
"Sorry, my brain is still catching up." I lunge forward, our fingertips brushing as I grasp the stem from him. "I can't believe you did this."
He gives a nonchalant shrug, still looking at me with those soulful eyes that seem to always have something buried in them, just out of my reach. How I wish for nothing more than to be given access to the hidden thoughts that he hides from the rest of the world.
"Was nothin'. Just saw 'em when I was out this mornin'."
"It's not nothing," I murmur, slowly spinning the flower in my hand. "This is everything. I've never seen one of these before." My finger reverently traces the green velvet up to delicate, flared petals.
"You're from Georgia and you've never seen the state flower?"
The golden hour light is making his skin glow in an unfairly mesmerizing way. Looking at him is like looking directly at the sun, and I feel like I can't look at him directly or I'll be blinded by his radiance.
"I never said I was from Georgia. Aly and I are from Pennsylvania. That's why you have that cute, thick accent and I've got nothing."
"How the hell did you end up all the way out here?"
He brushes past my feeble attempt at flirting as if he didn't hear it at all, and I kick myself for even trying. Does this really seem like the time? If there actually were anything here, wouldn't I know by now? We definitely wouldn't have blown past the CDC kiss like we did if he wanted something more to happen. At this point, I'm just making a fool of myself. Not only that, he's trapped on a farm with me and is probably awkwardly hoping I'll get the hint one day. Pretending the tsunami of shame isn't attempting to drown me, I seamlessly continue our conversation.
"We went on vacation every year to Blue Ridge lake. Just happened to be there when this whole thing started. I'm a city girl at heart, which is probably why my directional abilities also suck."
He nods thoughtfully, taking in every word like I'm giving him the secrets of the world. Finding myself drawn into his eyes again, probably with visible hearts in my own, I decide the safest option is to go back to admiring the sky. Maybe if I don't look at him, I won't say anything stupid.
"We didn't get a skies like this back where we were from. Pretty sunsets, sure, but never this wide open and expansive. I feel tiny under it."
I risk a glance over at him after a beat of silence to find his attention not on the sky at all, but instead fixated on me. Glenn's words echo in my head, but I'm too biased by my own desire to see clearly. Actions speak louder than words, and Daryl has always been unwaveringly friendly.
"Anyway, I don't want to keep you. You've had the longest day out of any of us, you deserve to rest. Thank you again, Daryl, for this flower. You have no idea how much it means to me." How much you mean to me.
He says nothing but saunters off to his tent, making me smile when he gives Raven a pat on the head as he passes her. I knew they'd be friends. Opening up the RV door with a creak, I tiptoe up the stairs, still reeling from the past fifteen minutes. Hell, reeling from the whole day. Carol is knitting in the bed with the RV interior looking pristine. All the walker blood from Andrea's run in on the highway has been cleaned up, and the windows are adorned with handmade curtains.
"Wow, Carol. It looks beautiful in here."
She pauses her knitting to smile at me gratefully.
"I just want it to be nice for her when she comes back."
"Sophia's going to love your decorations. You've really made it feel like a home," I affirm, taking in all the care she's put into the space. A small wobble of jealousy snakes through my veins, before being replaced by stone cold shame. Being envious of the relationship between a missing child and her terrified mother, what the hell is wrong with me? Looking for a distraction, my eyes land on a glass beer bottle, right on the bedside table, with a handpicked flower in it that matches the one I'm still holding.
"He's a good man," Carol quietly announces, fingers resuming their winding of the long needles and yarn. My mouth is dry and my pulse hammers, but I'm not sure why.
"He really is. It's kind of hard to believe."
As little as I trust people, I've learned to trust men even less. Every time I've let my guard down, I've lived to regret it. Yet here he is, endlessly reliable and loyal. He's never made me uncomfortable or taken advantage of our consistently close proximity– even when I've wanted him to cross the line from friendly to something more. One very welcome, brief kiss is all I've ever gotten, but I'm not complaining. That's more than I would've ever expected to get from him.
"I get it. You see enough destruction, you forget there are people out there who would never do that." She sizes me up before proceeding. "He likes you, you know," said so casually, as if she's commenting on the weather and not saying something that could make my entire year.
Nervously, I smile and pick at my cuticles, trying not to let her words get my hopes up. People see what they want to see and until Daryl says anything himself, I can't believe it. I won't. It's too scary to be wrong. More witnesses just means more humiliation when he eventually turns me down.
"I like him. We're friends– just like you two are. I don't think I've ever met a man with as good of a heart as him."
Carol's expression conveys her disbelief at my description of the nature of our relationship, but mercifully she pivots to a different angle.
"You're good for him. Before you came around, he didn't talk much. He was too busy being stuck under Merle's thumb. You pulled him out, made him much more involved in the group." I open my mouth to deflect into my spiel of how much he's done for me, but she holds out a hand to stop me from interrupting. "Just… don't let him push you away if he gets scared. He is a good man, but from what I can tell, he's only known abuse his whole life. He lashes out when he's hurt and that doesn't change overnight."
Dread settles heavily in my stomach, dampening the high I've been riding and plummeting me back to earth. I know in my heart that she's right, but the thought of him lashing out at me is terrifying. As unrealistic as it is, I like this clean slate relationship where no one has been hurt and no dark marks stain our history. People act uncharacteristically when they're angry and even though I trust him with my life, it's scary to think about what he might do or say. How he could hurt me. I've had enough hurt for a lifetime. Maybe two.
"Noted," I flatly respond, pretending to be any shade of neutral. "I should probably get back to the house to check on T and Carl."
Numb hands unlatch the RV door, the cool breeze only slightly taking the edge off of the dread threatening to consume me. The sky is black now, all traces of color washed out by the nebulous, inky night. Cicadas hum insistently in the distance, almost matching the frenzied hum of my thoughts.
—-
Daryl
After nightfall, everyone settled into their designated corners of the farm. T-Dog and Glenn kept the living room, Rick and Lori stayed by Carl's bedside in the house. Andrea, Carol, and Dale got the RV. Dale tried to offer it to Mila, but of course she declined, leaving only us two without a place to stay. I had a tent stored in the back of the truck, and Herschel had a spare that he lent to Mila. She isn't as close to my set up as I'd like, but she's close enough that I can still keep an ear out for her if she needs help. It does make me feel better that she has Raven now, too, even if I do begrudgingly miss her needing me to sleep.
The next morning, we're deep in planning how to best spread out and track Sophia. It's been a few days since she disappeared, but I'd found a hunting cabin in the woods while out searching yesterday. Someone had been sheltering in the small closet and that knowledge alone has invigorated the group with renewed optimism. Thankfully, Mila will be staying behind with Carl and T-Dog so I won't have to spend half my mental and physical energy worrying about her too. I'll be going off solo again in search of higher ground and potentially catch some movement between the brush.
"Raven, you go with Daryl and keep a look out for him." Mila's on her knees for the damn dog, running her fingers through the silky black fur on Raven's back. "He's kind of my favorite, so I need him back in one piece, okay? You be good."
My ears heat up from hearing her admit I'm her favorite, a spark of pleasure rushing through me at the confirmation, but she carries on as if she hasn't said anything new. I don't think I've ever been anyone's favorite anything.
"Why don't you have her stay here with you?" I know she wants to help, but I don't need another liability. If the dog runs off, I'll end up spending all day looking for her rather than having to see Mila's sad face when I return alone.
"I'd feel so much better if you had a friend with you. She can hear things you can't, even with your weirdly good hearing, and if you find Sophia, she'll probably be happy to see a cute dog too."
That is fair. Sophia and I haven't interacted much, except for the time I yelled at her to stop crying when walkers were nearby, so maybe she would be less scared if Raven were with me. It'd be a nightmare if I finally found her, only to have her run away from me. I wouldn't necessarily blame her. I don't really know how to interact with kids either.
Mila takes my silence as concession, standing and pointing Raven toward my direction.
"Go on, Rae! I'll be here when you get back." She addresses me now, "Please be careful. I know you're like a superhero and all that, but you can still get hurt. Who else is going to yell at me every time I apologize?"
"I don't yell at ya," I argue, "but I will. Probably a lot of nothin' out there anyway."
Mounting the horse, we head east over the ridge, following the path I'd traced on the map. Being surrounded in peace and quiet finally gives me the chance to sort through the past couple of days. I'd hardly had time to think about any of our recent events. Shane coming back without Otis and the thinly concealed shady story he'd told. The retrospective fear of wondering if Mila could've ended up like Otis. I knew I shouldn't trust Shane– he only cares about himself, his ego, and getting Lori back. Mila and how embarrassed she looked when she dropped the roll of condoms on the floor.
It would almost be funny if not for how fidgety and weird she got afterward. She jumped off the horse and booked it to the farm before I'd even stopped– apparently desperate to get away from me. Maybe she thought I'd get the wrong idea and think she'd want to use them with me, which couldn't be further than the truth. I know, deep down in my soul, that a woman like that would never want a man like me. Even more importantly, she deserves better. I wouldn't let her settle for what I can't provide.
At least, that's what I tell myself when I'm able to think rationally. After giving her the Cherokee rose I'd picked for her, I might've had a different answer. She acted like I'd given her something irreplaceable and not a flower that grows by the side of the highway every spring. I tried to memorize the way she looked at me, like she's never been so taken care of or considered before, so I can replay her expression in my head over and over. She sees me as the man I want to be, not the one I used to be. It's a confusing mixture of surprising, relieving, and uncomfortable. The day she looks at me with something different in those hazel eyes is the day I'll wish I were dead. Maybe she wouldn't look at me like that at all if she knew what I've done or who I was before.
While I'm busy stewing in my thoughts, something spooks the horse and I'm launched down the side of the mountain. I land roughly in shallow water, a sharp, throbbing pain in my ribs. To Raven's credit, she manages to stay out of the way and runs after me into the small pond below. Her cold nose pokes me in the face as she whines, apparently upset at our turn of events. I gently push her away with a groan, needing space to find the source of the pain, and discover an arrow lodged through my flesh.
Ripping off the sleeves of my shirt, I tie them around the arrow to hold it in place until I can figure out what to do. It only takes a few failed attempts of trying to scale the steep hill before it becomes clear that I'll need to develop a new plan. Raven obediently sits by my side, ears perked and listening for danger. Maybe it was a good idea to send her with me after all.
"Any chance you can run back and somehow warn them I'm hurt? Pull a Lassie?"
Raven puts her head down on top of her paws, which I read as a no. The sun is beating down on us, and I must have lost a fair amount of blood because my brain feels like it's in a washing machine. Delirium settles over me like a cloud, swirling reality and dreamworld into a borderless flurry.
"Why don't you pull that arrow out dummy? You could bind your wound better." Merle's face blurs into view before falling back out of focus. "What's going on here? You takin' a siesta?"
"Had a shitty day, bro." I can hardly keep my eyes open, exhaustion tempting me with suspiciously long blinks. This might be how I die.
"Want me to get you a pillow? Maybe rub your feet?" he taunts.
"Screw you."
"You're the one screwed from the looks of it. All them years spent trying to make a man of you. This is what I get? Look at you, lying in the dirt like a used rubber. You're gonna die out here, brother. And for what?"
"A girl. They lost a little girl."
"So ya got a thing for little girls now?"
I'd forgotten what an ass Merle is after spending so much time away. Can you believe I'd actually started to miss him? Less than five minutes of this shit and I'm cured.
"Shut up."
"'Cause I noticed you ain't out lookin' for ol' Merle anymore."
"We tried to find you. We did right by you. All you had to do was wait for us."
"Well, excuse me for not throwing a party in thanks. Who is we? Rick? The guy who left me handcuffed on a roof? If you had any nuts in that sack of yours, you'd shoot Rick in the head for me."
Too tired to keep arguing, my eyes flutter shut and send the world to black. The weight of it lays heavily over my body, too disconcerting to be comforting. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a repetitive, sharp sound plays over and over like the world's most annoying alarm clock. Slowly, the pain registers again as it radiates down my side, making me wince as I try to force my eyes back open.
The noise is getting louder and as my consciousness returns, so does the realization that it isn't an alarm at all but desperate barking. Tunnel vision impedes my ability to see but I can faintly make out Raven's back, her hackles up as she snarls at a threat I can't make out. At once, everything sharpens, revealing the walker that she's barely holding back from advancing on me. My pulse jumps, releasing a surge of adrenaline that briefly blocks my pain and disorientation. Reaching over as quickly as I can, I raise my crossbow and shoot off a bolt, hitting my target right through the skull.
Raven quiets and comes over to lay next to me, nudging her head in my hand while I try to figure out what to do next.
"Good girl." As much as I didn't want this dog around, she just saved my ass.
After splitting a raw squirrel and agonizingly scrambling up half the mountain, I lean heavily against a sapling to catch my breath. It ominously bends under my weight, acting as my only anchor to the progress I've made. Raven could easily scale the side of this cliff and leave me in the dust, but she needs no encouragement to patiently wait.
"Come on, Darlina, we don't have all day," Merle's voice grates down to me from his place at the top.
"I liked it better when you was missing," I growl back, but start trying to claw up anyway. I'll never hear the end of it if he thinks I took this injury like a pussy.
"Aw come on, don't be like that. I'm the only one who has ever looked out for ya. I'm the only one that ever will."
"Ya never looked out for me. Ya were hardly around. Ya ain't even here now." My fingernails grip the dirt as I pull myself incrementally higher, my side screaming in objection.
"I made a man out of you, or at least tried to. You always were the soft one."
"Shut up," I grunt, crawling over another landing and seeing stars explode across my field of vision. My consciousness wanes again but I can't lose my footing yet. I can pass out at the top.
"Let me guess– now they've got ya thinkin' you're part of their group and ya got some pretty cooze hangin' around, makes ya think you're hot shit. Well, ya ain't. You're the same old, weak, pansy ass Darlina you've always been. When they're done with ya, they'll scrape ya off their shoe like dog shit."
I grit my teeth so hard it feels like my molars might get pushed back into my jaw, but channel the anger into motivating me to climb even higher. The final ledge is just out of reach, right in front of Merle's smug face as he looks down at me.
"Even now, you're only gonna make it out of here because ol' Merle is here to help ya."
With a final groan, I pull myself up and over only to find Merle gone. I'd mostly thought he was a hallucination, but he can be crafty like that– showing up when you least expect it. At least now I know. Raven sniffs around ahead of me as I catch my breath.
"Ya better run!" I pant out for good measure before dragging myself up to stand and staggering toward the farm.
At least two, long miles later, I make it back to the perimeter– stumbling and exhausted, but alive. Sensing we're back in safe territory, Raven ambles off around the brush and leaves me on my own. The scenery around me sickeningly spin and sway, but I stubbornly push forward out of sheer spite. As I shuffle through the tree line, Rick and Shane meet me with their guns raised to my face.
"That's the third time you've pointed that thing at my head. Ya gonna pull the trigger or what?" I angrily challenge, fully out of tolerance or patience. All I want is to collapse somewhere in the shade until the throbbing in my ribs subsides. Preferably with a stiff drink and a smoke. Rick lowers his gun, but a deafening shot rings out anyway– throwing me back onto the ground with a new, burning pain at my temple.
"I was kiddin'."
For all the guilt I've been carrying around about the shit I've pulled in the past, karma has decided to make it even in a four-hour period. Maybe this day was awful enough to wipe my slate clean. Somehow, I don't think I'll be that lucky. Unconsciousness plummets me into darkness again and this time, I welcome it completely.
Thank you to everyone who has written a review and followed this story :) It makes me so happy and lowkey overwhelmed that anyone enjoys reading something I'm creating. You all make me feel brave to share my other creative endeavors with the world 3