/I know I promised another final chapter, but my God, it's gotten sooo damn long that I had to post it in two parts.
It just never wanted to end. xD
I really hope you'll enjoy it! /

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Amilyn was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the blank wall. It was as if she had awoken from a deep sleep, with her body light, but her heart strangely heavy. Like a dawn still shrouded in darkness. Like on Gatalenta. When the purple sky turns pink, the air's still crisp and cool. When it's still quiet and all you can hear is the sound of the wind through the leaves. She couldn't remember what had happened to her and didn't know exactly what was ahead. There was peace in her, a strange warm love, but on the other hand she was afraid. She just didn't know exactly why.

Slowly, she put her new boots on and stood up. She could have gotten a uniform, mustard-coloured, with knee high boots, which she downright hated. And Leia was perfectly aware of that. She did what she could.

Her wavy hair fell loosely over her shoulders. It felt soft against her skin. She had put it up so many years now, she had totally forgotten how she wore it on Gatalenta. Somehow everything felt so free on her homeplanet. Everything had a different colour, much more vivid. They had a different way of opening their eyes in the morning. The air felt lighter. She thought. She hoped. She didn't know anymore. She hadn't been there in so long she was afraid what she remembered was nothing more than an idyllic fantasy. Would she ever go back there again?

She sighed. The bright light of the room still hurt her sensitive eyes. It sent a stabbing pain through the head. Her fingers gently stroked her waist. The bandage on her ribs was way too tight. It made it hard to breathe. She couldn't remember when she'd broken it, why her stomach hurt so badly or why she was so endlessly nauseous all the time. If she'd been cut in two with a lightsaber, she couldn't have felt any worse.

An instant grimace appeared on her face. Leia literally hated these metaphors. Fortunately she couldn't see into her head. Though, she could only remember some cloudy parts of what she'd said to her when she'd visited her. Leia was the first thing she saw, when opened her eyes.

"Last thing, sweetheart?" she asked quietly, when Amilyn finally woke up. She could only see her friend dimly, but even so she could tell how deadly tired she was. Yet Leia's voice rang soft as ever, while her fingers stroke along her hair. "Can you tell me?"

She could not. All she knew was that her throat was infinitely dry, her head was on fire and her limbs were all numb. She had many, many fragments in her head that she couldn't make sense of. Feelings, sounds, even words. And the more clearly she tried to remember them, the more they faded, just like a dream. She shook her head slightly.

"Maybe, something like... You were there"

Leia smiled. "It's okay"

"Where am I?"

"Base of Crait" she sat down on the edge of the bed. "For a week now"

Amilyn's eyebrows rose. "Kiddin, right?"

But Leia was not joking. Holdo slowly looked over helself. The hospital sheet, her pale skin, the tubes sticking out of her arms. At the end of the bed lay a jacket. She couldn't tell where she'd seen it before. It didn't matter. She was concentrating. She was on the Raddus. The pods had been... shot. The system's locked down. Yes. The sound of the radio... Her breath caught in her throat.

Leia put her hand on her shoulder. "You did it, Amilyn" she smiled. "The fleet is gone. And so is he"

"Snoke" she breathed. "But how-"

"Enough for now" she hushed her. " I need you healthy, strong and ready to kick asses again"

"Okay but how did I-"

"Later" she touched her cheek and after another smile, left the room.

That was all. And rotations have passed since then. Sometimes she saw the medical droid crawling around her, at some point the tubes disappeared from her body and the coat from the edge of the bed. The better she got, the less she could bear to lie there. She became impatient, grumpy and at one point told the medical droid that if it did not wish to be space junk, it would release her right then - at her own risk, if needed. The droid quietly commented that she was not the first to threaten it, but obeyed anyway. So now she stood in the middle of the room, fully clothed and totally unaware of anything going on around her.

"Great" Amilyn thought and rubbed her eyes. No one said rising from the dead was easy.

For the droid told her that she was technically dead when was brought to the base. It stated this with the mechanical simplicity of that day's weather. Perhaps it was better that way. It did not see the shock on her face. It didn't see her turn pale, or stare blankly ahead later. Until it came in again with a load of clothes for her to get dressed.

"Welcome back, Admiral," it beeped.

"Vice Admiral" Amilyn mumbled after it in a daze, not that the robot was paying attention.

The machines now hummed quietly around her. Just like on board the Raddus after the pods had left the hangar. When every soul was getting further and further away from her. She wished she could say it felt strange. That she hadn't rushed from one dangerous mission to another for decades just to avoid stopping and think about how she actually felt. If only she could have fooled herself, as she had fooled everyone else around her. Even those closest to her. The ones she fought with, the ones she ran with to the last ship in the hangar, the ones she dragged out from behind the enemy lines. The men she shared her bed with. Her sleeps, dreams and wake ups. Her desires.

If only they could have glimpsed for a moment how infinitely and suffocatingly lonely she was behind that strong armour. She'd been alone for as long as she could remember - she swallowed. Her gaze drifted back to the bed. She stared at the white furniture as if hypnotized by it.

Maybe it's easier to die.

Slowly, she stepped over and brushed along the blanket, that still held the warmth of her body. Then her hand stopped. It's easier to die than to come back when no one is waiting for you.

Her throat tightened. It's easier than feeling the pain inside, the pain that comes in waves when you're too weak to numb your senses. When you fail to keep everyone at arm's length. There was a time when she let everyone into her heart. A long time ago. And then... after him... no one. For a long time now.

Then the rebellion continued, and the fight brought the people fighting for the same cause together again. Then slowly… they left aswell, boarding ships just to never return. When she got in charge of the Ninka, she took another deep breath and, though afraid, left her heart open. Only to be slowly torn apart and left to cool like the wreckage of a star in space. After death took everything from her, one by one. That was the end.

When she boarded the Raddus, she was nothing but a droid.

Amilyn remembered all those distrustful looks. The anger, the disappointment with which her crew looked back at her. Who had rebelled against her after only a few rotations. They'd never trusted her and she was sure they'd never seen her as a human either. Somewhere she didn't blame them. But it still hurt.

She saw how worried they were about Leia, how much they were waiting for her to come back. But who was waiting for Amilyn? She understood... But it hurt. Deep down, it killed all hope, even though she'd done everything she could to make it so. The wound that had left this open wound on her for so many years, even the physical one - she placed her hand gently on her stomach - would never heal.

She knew herself to be tough, rational, distant. The war hardened her. She had no time for fear and no tears left for the fallen. They had been used up already over the years. That's how she survived. With walls. And she won't break them. Right? She built them around herself for a reason.

I'd rather feel it than become as cold as you are - Dameron's voice rang in her head. She closed her eyes. Dameron knew nothing. He hadn't lived through so many decades of war, slowly losing everything and everyone he had finally allowed himself to love. Damn - she leaned against the bed, tears welling in her eyes.

What happens to her every time he crosses her mind? What has he done to her? What the hell did he find inside her empty soul that he could ignite such a fire?

The only reason she didn't fight it harder was because she thought she was going to die. That it didn't matter anyway. That's why she let her imagination run wild. That's why she willingly fell into his arms. She thought she deserved this tiny little pleasure! There was no stakes. Why else would she allow herself to fall for a pilot who would run blindly into the enemy and get himself killed the very next day? Or get captured and she'll never know if he's alive or dead? Or blown up like... him.

It won't happen again - she shook her head. She just had to avoid him. She needed to be even more… obnoxious. Yes. It all happened, because she was dying.

But anyhow, she was standing here. She was alive and craving him as craving the touch of warmth in the deadly cold of space. Craving his touch as if no one ever touched her before. Ridiculous! Amilyn was nothing to him, but a pain in the ass. Exactly the same what Poe was to her. He didn't want anything from Holdo but to piss her off, until the Admiral jumped out the window. To push his limits, to rebel like a teenager against anybody who threatened his ego. He hated her.

Meanwhile, by some fatal error in the Force, this temper was to Amilyn as red cloth was to a bull. And as she cursed him in her mind in all sorts of ways, she saw something underneath his hot-headedness that was caring and protective and... and that she could fall in love with. Oh, Gods... Nonsense - she laughed. She shouldn't have. A sharp pain ripped through her side.

"Shit" she groaned as reached for her rib. But another warm hand was there by then. Amilyn's eyes wide open in horror.

"Where does it hurt?" asked an all too familiar voice. She spun around as if struck by lightning, only to find herself only an inch from Dameron. His always fiery and demanding features were now strangely soft. "Here?" he asked, his hot breath brushing softly across her cheek.

Amilyn swallowed. Blood rushed up to her face. Dameron's hand rested on her waist. She could feel the weight of his palm with every breath she took. Her skin pulsed under his touch. He looked down to the bandages, but his eyes lingered on her body a little more. It followed her lines, just like the painter's brush. His gaze was so intense, Amilyn felt touched everywhere he looked. It was as if his lips were trailing down her neck, her collarbone, her breasts, her stomach, her waist, her hips, her lower belly and then down... oh Gods - she bit her bottom lip. His simple look... it chased away all the sanity in her.

Please, Amilyn, act your age.

But whatever she swore earlier, the tension slowly filled the room, and her resolve to avoid and keep her distance began to fade with every single passing seconds.

.

Poe only went into the room to get his coat, really. As if he'd forgotten he'd done that two rotations ago. It never occurred to him that she might still be there.

Ever since he arrived at the base, he had been watching for Organa to come out of the infirmary so he could go in. Then one fine day, he found himself face to face with the General and her well-known gaze, the kind that pierces you. The one that lets you know she already knows what you haven't even told her. And by the time he blinked one, he was telling her everything that had happened moment by moment, everything he swore he would never tell anyone. The words just poured out of him, and with them his feelings.

Then a stunned silence followed. Holding his breath, he waited for her to speak, but she simply walked away without a word, after a mischievous smile. And though she knew perfectly well that he was going into the room day after day, she did nothing to stop him afterwards. So Poe was there whenever he just could.

But that he had gone in there now because he secretly hoped to see Holdo... he refused to admit it even to himself. But anyway he entered and Amilyn was standing there with her back to him, leaning on the bed, not even noticing him.

His mouth went dry at the sight. The Admiral wore a long, tight black skirt that showed the line of her bottom and waist... in premier plan. Boots and a black sweater that came just to her waist and left her neck exposed. With her hair down, what fell gently over her shoulders. Her bare white shoulders.

The air became stiflingly warm. He imagined how it would feel to see her again. Watching her chest rise again with each breath. Hearing her voice, that fresh and curly way she laughed. Seeing the way she'd looked at her crew, the way she'd given orders. But he hoped to see that soft, helpless look in her eyes as she looked at him in her cabin that morning. He wasn't sure if he would… ever again. But imagined it anyway.

Then she groaned, his legs moved on their own, and now he was standing here, so close to her that he could feel the warmth of her body. His hands rested on her hot skin under her sweater. If only he hadn't known what it felt like to hold her. If only he didn't know what it was like when she wrapped her arms around his neck, or when his lips touched hers…

"Dameron," Amilyn breathed dazedly, pulling him out of her head, "Your hands."

Poe looked up, his eyes were dark with desire. His fingers were stroking over her skin, lighting a growing fire in her body, between her thighs. She wanted him. Wanted him to touch her down there. Just craved to taste his lips - her eyes slid there - until they could breathe. And longer. Who the fuck needed air?

Stop.

She dropped her shoulder in relief, when felt Dameron's hand slowly slip from her waist, leaving there a cool mark. The next moment, however, the same hands touched her again at the base of her neck. He pulled her close so gently that the distance seemed to disappear of its own accord. She wanted to force herself to pull away, but all she could manage was a shiver, while her lips parted for him.

Yes. It was easier to die.

"General Organa is waiting for you in the main hall. You, Admiral and you too, Commander" the droid's voice cut the tense silence like a knife.

Amilyn could hardly realise what had happened. Seconds had passed before she opened her eyes, which she didn't know was closed. The droid was halfway to the door by then. Poe stood frozen, his misty gaze still resting on her lips.

She was breathing heavily. Where were the walls she was talking about? She swallowed. Then her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Commander?" she asked still in a daze. Poe blinked with a flushed face, then nodded. Amilyn stepped back. "You... you're not telling me seriously that Leia promoted you for disarming me?" she asked, confused. Hoping she'd misheard. Dameron didn't have much blood in his brain. He opened his mouth, but all the words stuck. She stared at him with wide eyes. Poe could think of binary language more easily than a simple human word at that moment, as she fixed her gaze on his. It erased all thoughts from his mind.

Amilyn suddenly burst out laughing. She didn't want to, but she couldn't stop herself. She put her hand over her mouth. Her panties were wet and she wanted to hit him where it hurts the most at the same time. She shook her head.

What were they thinking? What was Leia thinking? What was this, a joke that's been laughed at ever since? Is that all the prestige she has left in front of them? Her brain was tingering. How could they humiliate her like that? How could she go out among these people? Why... why had she come back at all?

Seeing her color disappear, Poe could not decide where to begin. He took a deep breath, only to say nothing again. Of course he knew what had happened. But... There were a lot of 'buts', which was a much harder question. What should he tell her? That he couldn't imagine the Sun rising without her the next dawn? That Holdo couldn't die? That for fuck's sake, he was falling for her?

How much easier it was when she was unconscious, and how much harder now, looking her in the eye. Her huge blue eyes almost pierced him. There was no anger in it however, but something much sadder. Disappointment. Was she in tears? He took a hesitant step towards her. If she knew she had no reason to. He thought of the crew, who worried about her, of Daicy, who used to cry for her when she thought she was out of sight, of Leia, who was half dead with worry... If she knew - he smiled.

"Having fun with this?"

"No, listen-" said Poe, reaching for her.

"Don't," Holdo cut in hoarsely, stopping his hand in midway. "Don't you dare. And don't you dare touch me again" and then, without looking at him, she hurried for the door.

Poe's mind was racing. He could no longer behave with her as he had before, just as he could never see her as he had before. He had reached a point of no return and he didn't even want to. Did he misunderstand her? The way she looked at him? No way. He hadn't, he wasn't stupid. As unbelievable as it seemed…

When he moved, he was sure of only one thing, nothing else. If he hadn't been interested in following the rules before, he was surely not going to start following them right now.

Whether it was the best idea of his life, or literally the worst one, he grabbed her arm and pulled her back so suddenly that the terrified Holdo nearly fell off her feet. But before she could lose her balance, she found herself pinned against the wall, with Dameron's lips on hers.