It was snowing lightly that evening. Sidewalks were rendered to mushy puddles and slippery slopes. So Ruko and Teto - an old acquaintance of hers - had opted to either walk in the middle of the road or toe the edge of a sidewalk, which was what Teto had done. On top of that, she held a box of freshly baked cupcakes in one hand and a bag in another, like an underpaid acrobat. Ruko feared, Teto would fall. Then again, the latter had attended gymnastics back in high school, so perhaps there was nothing to fear... Damn. High school - what an old phrase, and in reality it stood a mere block away. Ruko could see Renri in the school's parking lot, dressed in a straight mauve coat and illuminated by a single lamppost. How misplaced. That particular street lamp fought on like a lone soldier, while others had succumbed, as soon the temperature had dropped, due to poor wiring. Now the school's parking lot, of all places, stood out like a sore thumb.
"Hey, teach!" Teto came up to Renri first. "We got the cupcakes you ordered!"
"Thanks, Teto. What would I do without you?" Renri smiled back. Even with wrinkles, gathered around her eyes and blemishes cascading down her cheeks, like droplets of rain, Renri looked as radiant, as when she had taught art to Ruko's class. That was seven years ago. Renri remained, as the last beacon of light inside of Ruscus. Her being was enveloped in a serene aura and in Ruko's mind it associated with the smell of cinnamon cookies and tea near the fireplace, of knitting, or leafing through old picture books, while being curled up next to her late mother... Ruko's classmate Taya used to exhibit a familiar feeling of repose, but Taya didn't count anymore. It has been five years since she left...
Ruscus was an isolated town. Most people, that grew up here, ended their lives in the same housings and the same beds, their parents had lain on. Ruko had buried her mother several years ago... The same white cloth, which had been draped over her mother's lifeless eyes, will eventually land on hers. Inside that vision Ruko bore at those pale violet pupils, praying for them to regain colour. Her mother's eyes sank and crumbled like a pile of ash. In the next moment Renri's face loomed at Ruko.
"Ah. I see you've brought Rook with you. How have you been, lad?"
"I'm fine, thank you." Ruko nodded, tense. Being called by her dead name felt like a slap to the face. There was no use in picking arguments though, much less in the heart of Ruscus.
Wordlessly, she followed behind Teto and Renri. The school's front foyer had been decorated with colourful balloons and clouds, shaped from foam, while the furthest wall had 'Ruscus high school - 40 years anniversary' taped to it in golden letters. The celebration was due in two days. Will Taya show up? Ruko pursed her lips. She'd lost contact with Taya after high school, rather naturally, as if severing a weakened thread. If he'd come, it would be nice to see him, to catch up, to draw in his precious voice, as if it were oxygen. Ruko smiled wistfully. If only...
Renri's classroom came into view. It smelt of chalk and acrylic, while an old sink housed familiar dark stains and meandering cracks. A white door, that held the photo developing room, was closed, although Ruko wasn't sure, whether the space was still in use. That room, or the white door in particular, used to enthral her, as it resembled a passage to a fairy land, at least until Taya had joined the art's and craft's club, thus gave Ruko privilege to explore the room freely. Thankfully, Teto had the same question. After placing the box on the teacher's desk, she tried to open the enigmatic door. It didn't budge.
"Locked?" Teto looked back at Renri, sulking.
"Yeah. It's a storage dump now."
"How boring. Kids these days don't know, what they're missing."
"Oh, don't say that, Teto. We still have the equipment to develop and restore old photos, we just don't have a place to set it up."
"That's just as bad." She scoffed. There was a pause, while Renri fumbled inside one of the drawers. Teto stood beside her, confused. "What are you looking for, teach?"
"The key. Ah, there it is." As Teto and Ruko stood confused, Renri elaborated. "I think some works were left behind. Maybe you'll find something of yours in there."
The door might have been unlocked by those sheer words alone. Ruko could already feel Taya's soft breaths, brushing softly against her ear, hear his high cracking voice, as it bounced off the dusty walls along with the stories, he never tired of weaving.
X X X
Years ago the photo developing room had functioned in a cosy red light and housed the dreams of two teenagers. One dressed in red, the other - in blue, like two sides of a coin. They were cooped up on a spare sofa and shared the space with empty tubes of film and other knickknacks.
"I see a horse in the top corner." Taya pointed at a photo. It portrayed a mesh of clouds in a cyan sky. "What about you?"
"Hmm..." Ruko knitted her brows. "All I see is a disconnected road. From here..." Her finger dragged across the photo, which was clutched steadily in Taya's hands. "All the way down to the bottom."
"But what about the running horse or the hand, the two-headed frog in the middle?"
"No. How do you make out all of that anyway?"
"Imagination!"
"I can't..."
"You just need practice. Here-" Taya halted. There was a creak from the adjoined classroom. Footsteps and childish laughter spilt inside, like paint: unpredictable, brisk and violent. Ruko felt Taya tense. She ripped the photo out of his hands and stashed it behind her cerise blazer, if the boys were to stumble in and find them, they would tease her and Taya to no end again. Thankfully, a joyful shout sounded from the corridor and the boys ran out, chasing someone else, like dogs after a rabbit. Quiet slowly reclaimed its spot. Beside it, as an aftershock, Ruko noticed the foul smelling paint slither in through the low crack of the door like lava. Her toes curled, and she eventually raised her feet onto the tattered sofa, so to not be touched by it. Eventually, the boys' laughter evaporated. Ruko unearthed the photo and leaned her side at the stilled Taya, so to rouse him.
"What about that two-headed frog and the horse?"
"Oh? Y-yeah. Look. The horse is running from the frame of the photo. See how high its hoofs are raised?" Taya's palm tardily circled the corner of the photo, where the envisioned legs sprung into a fervent sprint. Beside it, Ruko did not miss the sparkle, that returned to Taya's eye, the one unshaded by the monocle. He continued. "The horse wants to escape the two-headed frog, otherwise he will be eaten. See that opened mouth? The frog is hungry, but it cannot chase after the horse, because it shares a body with another." Taya's index finger tapped at a brief separation in the frogs' necks. "It has a Siamese twin. One that is passive and mostly sated."
On that day the horse and the frogs leaped into Ruko's head and found metaphorical crevices to hide in.
Even now Yokune Ruko could not root out the images, which Taya had cooked up. All of those silly stories had sunken inside her and had withstood the years far better than any photograph ever could. The picture of the clouds for instance - the one, Taya had taken in sixth grade - faded and acquired a mouldy smell inside the paper box. Ruko kneeled to the floor gingerly.
"Siamese twins, huh?" Eyes narrowed at the particular photo. "It could have been anything else... Anything at all. Why was it a two-headed frog?"
Her question scattered through the dusty room. There was a little window near the far side of the wall, where the lent couch had once stood. The dusty glass pane resembled a shutter of a confessional, alas spared no guidance. Mournfully, Ruko looked up. Two frogs sharing a body - two different entities with differing needs and wishes, two conflicting visions, forced to suffer as one, like Rook and Ruko... What an uncanny resemblance. Had Taya really made such a connection that early on or was Ruko just thinking too much on it?
"Eeh?! There's a robber! Call the cops!" A shriek startled her. After the initial shock had faded, she saw Teto's boots unapologetically carry melted snow into the tiny room. The latter wore her signature crimson dress beneath a cherry coloured coat, as striking as ever. Tranquillity was smeared. Teto snickered at Ruko's extended observation. "Scared you, didn't I? Seriously though, did you spend the whole night in here?"
"Of course not. I came an hour ago."
"I can't remember you ever visiting the school after graduation. What caught your interest? Can I see?"
"Just some old photos..." Ruko handed the picture to Teto. There came a burning urge to clarify. "Taya's."
"Oh! That effeminate boy? He was in the photography club at one point, right?"
"Yeah."
"Weird kid." Teto huffed, before sitting down cross-legged next to Ruko. Her fingers modestly tugged at the hem of the dress, covering her exposed legs. "He was good with the camera though." She paused, thinking. "Was he the one, who'd gotten that fancy scholarship?"
"Yeah."
"So the kid's probably a well-off photographer now. Good for him." Teto nodded to herself a couple of times. Her eyes strayed to a parted box, which brimmed with photo albums and tubes of film. "All of this is Taya's?"
"No. Archives. I dug up some of his photos by accident."
"Ah. Lucky..." There was a pause. Teto bumped her shoulder with Ruko's. "You had a crush on him."
An assured statement.
Ruko felt her face heat up. Were her feelings that transparent? If her former classmates knew, what about Taya? Had he ever captured the remnants of her feelings, like butterflies in a net? And if he had, what had he done with them afterwards? Had Taya let them free - careless, or had he pinned their fragile wings, so to keep them unspoken, yet safe inside him? Had he at very least... cherished that uncalled-for affection? Ruko stared at the floor, before Teto nudged her elbow, smug.
"You don't need to be shy about it. We all had our doomed crushes. Have you ever told him?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I don't know..." Ruko hushed, hoping that Teto won't ask further. Why did the red-haired woman decide to bother her in the first place? What did she want? The scrapping of boots halted Ruko's speculations. She saw Teto stand up and ruffle the lacy hem of the dress, as if preparing herself for a performance.
"Sorry, I never asked. Is it Rook or Ruko?"
"Ruko, but it doesn't matter." She emitted an awkward laugh.
"It's getting late. Do you want to come by my place... to warm up?"
Ruko should have seen that one coming. Then again, she was stupid and too self-absorbed, to give attention to innuendos and hidden motives... Even so, she had no one waiting for her at home; so company wouldn't hurt. Wordlessly, Ruko folded the photograph and stood up.
Outside the snow cascaded, burying their footsteps in the same instance, that they had been placed.
"I'm happy, to have to get to talk to you properly." Teto's petite frame bounced in line beside the other woman. "It gets lonely in this town, don't you agree?"
Ruko spared a noncommittal nod. Meanwhile her eyes remained lowered at the snowy, compressed bedding, in places mushy and viable, in others - solid, slippery. She had to watch her footing. Their path was disjointed and guided only by a whimsy moon, sometimes an occasional trail of wind. A fork in the road became visible. Menacingly, it forced Ruko to choose between timeless preservation of Taya and a motion, albeit an uncertain and graceless one.
"Ruko, you coming?!" A voice reached her ears. She saw Teto waving to her, near an old, wooden house, which some villagers nicknamed a breathing relic. Ruko cringed at her own lagging steps.
"Yeah, sorry."
Teto unlocked the door, motioned for Ruko to step inside. The warmth of the place was a welcoming change. Regardless, Ruko struggled with the buttons of her dark blue coat.
'You could still decline. You could leave,' she reminded herself fruitlessly, as she stood in the foyer. With a pinched lip, she felt Teto's chapped fingers brush passed hers, take the coat, hang it, as a final encore. Ruko's decision remained in a limbo. After Teto had turned the light on in the living room, the sudden flash, contrasting with the shadows of the night, transported Ruko into the past.
A flash of a camera could create a similar velocity and blindness, especially those old and often unreliable point-and-shoot cameras, that their town's main market had been selling for half a price. That dizzying instant was replaced with chirps of grasshoppers somewhere in the greenish, uncultivated fields on the edge of Ruscus - as far as their thirteen year old world had spanned. The summer's sun was slowly starting to set behind them.
"See?! I knew it! Blue colour suits you!" Taya giggled, still holding onto the camera. "How do you feel?"
"Good..." Ruko grinned sheepishly back then. She stood, clad in a short-sleeved navy dress with hand-painted daisies on its collar. Those had been drawn by Taya, after they had snatched the dress from the thrift store. Like so, the smell of acryl and dust had stubbornly latched on. Remnants of an inauguration - a birth. Ruko hugged her own waist. "I'm never taking this off. I feel like I could fly free, soar the skies, climb towards the sun and down here again. I am free as a bird!"
"Hey..." Taya chuckled, watching, as Ruko twirled in place. "I think that's the first time I heard you being so vocal. But yeah, blue looks better than red."
"You're right, Taya! I'll never, ever wear red again!" 'I'll leave Rook behind too,' - Ruko thought, as she spun around her axis, eyes set at the cyan sky, dreamily. Her mouth was suspended, throat ached, fighting against something, which was stuck, and forbid her from voicing the last part. It sounded needlessly violent. She would not be able to say it or, heck, go through with that resolve, much less in a place, where everyone: her teachers, her mother and Taya knew her as Rook, expected her to be Rook. Any deviation was prohibited and would bring dire consequences. Thinking about it made her feel nauseous. Ruko swallowed. "I hate the colour red from now on!"
"That's harsh." Taya giggled. "You realise, that it's a colour, right?"
"It's not just a colour anymore!" She bawled her hands into fists.
"You know there are a lot of cute things, that are red. Take poppies for example." He plucked the aforementioned flower from a batch nearby. "See? Isn't it pretty?"
Taya hadn't been wrong back then, yet Ruko still argued her own, without ever explaining the root of the problem. Her arguments had fallen flat. It was an unwarranted and childish debate, but she stood true to her words even now. Ruko hated red.
And what irony...
Everything in Teto's bedroom had a crimson shade: the lit candles, the carpet and bed covers, where a lone stuffed bunny sat, even the bed frame was made of redwood. Ruko had lain in a pool of crimson, bare and vulnerable. Beside her sat Teto unabashedly naked and still, as if she were an ethereal statue, modelled out of clay. Even her legs were stark as marble. They were crossed or rather entwined together all the way down to her red-painted toe nails - like a lithe snake. Ruko expected the woman to be content. Teto got what she wanted, however her eyes were set at the window and appeared pensive. Narrowed brows would light up briefly, once the cigarette bud would meet her lips but that would be all. Ruko couldn't recall, when the other had started smoking. The stench of nicotine roamed as poised, as a long-time ghost here and ripped the silence in between them just as lightly.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Teto turned around. Ruko's petrified eyes spelled her fears out loud and clear. A chortle followed. "Oh, no, sweetie, I was the one, who asked for company and there's nothing wrong with being a virgin. We all start somewhere..." She inhaled the smoke from the cigarette. Eyes closed dreamily at that gesture, as if getting lost in a treasured memory. "My first time was with a woman nearly twice my age, I was fourteen. I still think of her sometimes, wonder what she's doing now... Those dove-like eyes, that wisdom and grace - they haunt me. Even after all these years I still adapt her quirks, when I'm dancing. It's like deja vu but worse." Teto bit on the bud of the cigarette, as if physically ripping herself away from that vision. "She is long gone though."
"Gone as in-"
"As in - she lives elsewhere. I won't say her name though; you've known her as much as everyone else did. Her father's still in Ruscus." Teto looked away stiffly. Ruko could sense the distrust in the red-haired woman. It made Ruko feel sick. She quickly reprimanded herself for feeling this way, after all, they barely knew each other and yet somehow ended up floating towards the same light, like ravenous moths, mashed together.
"You think, I'd snitch?"
"Yes." Teto nodded, irked by such an obvious question. Her glare quickly faded. "Either way, it's better to be cautious. I wouldn't be surprised, if something rises up, regardless of our involvement. I swear, people can read minds."
"I won't tell anyone."
"Somehow I believe you. It's not like you'd have anyone to tell it to. You don't get along in Ruscus."
"It's that obvious, huh?"
"Doesn't take a genius to notice!" She rolled her eyes. "It's like you make it your mission to avoid gatherings. I didn't even know you worked with the Ruscus committee until last year. Talk about good job communication!"
"I prefer the background work." Ruko blurted. For a moment all stood still and Teto's cigarette was quietly extinguished on the windowsill, leaving behind a sooty imprint. Ruko felt the old bed creak. Teto laid down beside her, then drew a blanket over both of them caringly. Even though the room was relatively warm, she insisted on covering their bodies, as if the crimson fabric would shield them from the town and the rest of the world, would slip them into a cosy and protective little pocket.
"Why didn't you follow Taya?" Teto's words were accompanied by a soft press of lips against Ruko's own. "You could've started anew in a place, that wouldn't be concerned with who you are."
"I couldn't. My mother's health worsened that year. I may have not seen eye-to-eye with her, but I had an obligation to fulfil."
"Then why aren't you leaving now?"
"I..."
"Don't give me excuses. You have nothing to tie you down to Ruscus. Your mother's dead, you have no relatives and no friends. The only thing, holding you here is nostalgia..." Teto hushed at the end, while her fingers idly mapped out the distance in-between Ruko's collarbones, brushed passed her breasts, counted the indents in her ribcage, as if manually marking the flesh, which belonged only to her for the night. Ruko pinched on her bottom lip. Her desires bloomed, like poppies, as fresh, as the day she had buried them - the day Taya had left. She tensed. In the next moment Teto's began to nip at Ruko's neck with her teeth. A sleepy murmur left the red-haired woman somewhere in-between. "Why don't you get in touch with him? Ask, if he'll come to the school's anniversary."
"I don't want to see him..." Ruko quickly covered her face with both hands. The next part was muffled, but acted much like a rapture, tearing her throat all the way down to her heart, before forcefully prying it apart. "I'm scared..."
"What if I contact Taya for you instead?"
"Don't... Just... Don't do anything." Ruko sniffled, beginning to cry. Teto caressed her head quietly in return.
X X X
The little frosted window in the photo developing room seemed higher that day. Somehow it climbed to the ceiling and settled there, like a spider. The confessional had fled from Ruko. In addition the photo developing room itself became shrouded in a dim light, while a foreign mouldy smell traversed, metaphorically heightened by the ongoing school anniversary. Ruko could hear faint music coming from the second floor. She had done her part in setting up the conference room a few hours prior. Naturally, Ruko would have gone home by now to avoid any awkward interaction, but something held her back, like an invisible chain, ever-tugging at her throat. Dry, so dry... Was it because of what they had done yesterday? With a blush, Ruko glanced down at her beat up phone, which had been dropped behind another box of photos. Despite Ruko's reluctance, she and Teto had exchanged their phone numbers last night - or had it been morning by then? Either way, Teto insisted. She wished to keep her close, especially now that she had captured her like a lonesome butterfly, or rather like a dying moth in a crimson net. Speaking of Teto, Ruko's phone buzzed with a new text message, doubtless from whom. It read:
'I've sent Taya your way ;)'
"Jerk..." Ruko muttered under her breath. Despite the impeding anxiety, there rose a shimmer of relief. An exhale... Taya came back to Ruscus without having any remaining relatives here. He came back... for Ruko? Could it be? Could Ruko at least delude herself with such a hope? It made her stomach tie in knots.
Maybe Taya did care for her?
Quickly, she ran towards the art classroom's window. She hoped to see a sign of Taya. Instead, under the parking lot's single lamppost, as if under a lit stage, she saw Teto with what apeared to be Neru - their former dance teacher. The snow mounted around the concrete parking lot, like a pile of old stage props. The two seemed engaged in a light-hearted chat. Soon enough Teto's fingers brushed past Neru's clothed forearm, slid down, searching for memories, imbedded beneath the cloth. Neru did not seem to mind. She stood familiarly close to Teto with a delighted smile. Before Ruko's mind could properly vocalize, what she had just seen, a long-forgotten voice sounded behind her.
"Ruko... You're actually here?"
She turned with a hitch in her throat. Taya looked different from how she remembered him seven years ago. His dark blue hair was still tied into a ponytail, draped carelessly over a shoulder, though his golden pupils stared back from behind a pair of glasses. Something must have happened to his monocle. He was dressed in black trousers, and a dark kempt shirt, how the villagers would say - ready for a funeral. Gone was the carefree cyan.
Ruko managed a nod, fearing her voice will crack.
"It's good to see you, Taya."
"You too... I barely recognized you from afar. You've changed a lot."
"Don't humour me. I haven't changed..." She swallowed, dispersing the sudden boat of irritation. It wasn't directed at Taya, but rather herself and this whole situation, which resembled a poorly staged theatre. He probably said that out of poor judgment or rather - wishful thinking... In a sense, Ruko looked more confident on the outside. She dressed like a woman, preferred bluer garments, her dark hair had grown out, but inside she remained passive, unsocial and scared like a little rabbit. She blurted out in the end. "You can't really... change in this place..."
"But you did and for the better." Taya came close and leaned his back at the windowpane. Like so, he stood beside her, barely a few centimetres out of reach, reminding her of dyes, photos and wild flowers.
"No... I'm still the same, a scared little mouse. Neither Rook, nor Ruko. I never contacted you, I lost track of time, of..." She spread her arms out fruitlessly, fighting back tears, that threatened to spill. "Things. I wanted to distance myself from everything that hurt." - and that included mother's death. Those memories were soaked in repression and guilt. To this day Ruko could envision smears on a white cloth and remember how her hands cleansed her mother's ashen face with that fabric. Her movements - numb, her eyes - blank. How Ruko wished she could return to that moment in her life, to erase those emotions, to alter them... That was impossible now... The past could not be changed, but this moment in time, still could, if she'd finally take the initiative.
"I loved you back then." A murmur. She thoughtlessly pinched Taya's sleeve, as if to reassure herself of his physical presence. "I missed you… It hurt so much."
"I missed you too..." Taya's lips curved upwards bitterly. "But, I can't return your feelings." His fingers entwined with Ruko's, gave them a sorrowful squeeze. "I am engaged. I can't stay in Ruscus."
"I'm not asking for that. I just wanted to get these feelings out of my chest... That's all. It's fine."
"You say that... and yet, you're crying." Taya's brows furrowed. Tears did not take long to fog Ruko's sight completely. The worst was over now. Yet why was she crying? Why had her chest constricted so much? Why did her heart feel, like a mushy, overripe fruit?
Slim arms wounded around Ruko's shoulders and pulled her close. Somehow Taya smelt rotten as well.
X X X
"Whaaat?!" A pillow came flying at Ruko's head the next morning. "That's it?! What happened after?"
"Nothing happened, Teto." Ruko sat up in Teto's bedroom and hugged the pillow to her chest. "We reminisced, exchanged contacts, he gave me an address to his upcoming photography exhibition. That's it."
"You got to be kidding me! I was expecting to hear about declarations of love and French kisses. Heck, a one-night stand at very least!"
"You got your hopes up..." Ruko sighed. In the next moment she watched Teto's lips quiver, as if emitting curses under her breath, before placing a cigarette in her mouth, so to shut herself up, in the meantime her frame sat on the bed, clad in a pink nightdress with her legs routinely entwined around each other. The sight felt reminiscent. Ruko enquired. "I saw you with Neru yesterday. How did that go?"
"We drank whiskey, had sex. You know, the usual fare. She went away at three in the morning, had to catch a flight. Lucky woman, eh?" Teto puffed out smoke. "She's out there exploring the world along with Taya, while we're stuck in this quiet old town, alone."
"You're lonely?" Ruko shifted closer to place her chin on Teto's bare shoulder. "I thought you had me."
"Don't give yourself too much credit, sweetie." Teto nuzzled her cheek against Ruko's. It was a warm declaration, expelled much clearer than any words would be able to convey. It was everything that Ruko could have hoped for. She was content with being wrapped around Teto, surrounded by care, witty banter and smouldering crimson - a colour she had sworn to despise. Somehow red reminded her of poppies, of summer fields and wild flowers today. Was it because she finally confessed to Taya? Maybe. Maybe not. No conclusion was ever this simple. Despite that, Ruko murmured through her newly gained courage.
"Hey, Teto, can I wear your skirt for when we'll go meet Renri today?"
"Which skirt?"
"That one." She pointed at a long crimson garment with lacy patterns sewed on top, which had lain on the back of a chair.
"Now you're just being cheeky! That's my favourite one, I washed it yesterday too." She pinched Ruko's cheek, gaining a light chuckle from her. "When did you start wearing red clothes anyway?"
"Today." Ruko rubbed the pinched cheek, before leaning at Teto's back and settling there comfortably. "I think I'll try to mix and match later on. See what fits."
"Fine, take it."
"Thanks! Love you!"
"Love you too, sweetie."