It was a bit peculiar, the thoughts and actions of myself that now seemed foreign to me. When I didn't have a buzzing slotted into the forefront of my mind, I would feel that eerie hollowness consuming my consciousness, but as I was taking a shower, I decided to willingly undergo this experience once more.
For a month now, my emotions had shifted imperceptibly and yet extremely. My irritation and agitation were cranked all the way up and my other emotional states were dulled, but now that Shadow Stalker's buzzing wasn't echoing in my mind, everything came flooding back.
I sank to the floor of the shower, and my hands covered my face. My indignation at my bullies morphed back into devastation. I felt like crying, but I didn't since the emotional wounds weren't fresh or festering. Although I was unsure about letting the odd buzzings affect my temperament and disposition, I couldn't lie and claim that feeling mad wasn't better than feeling sad.
It just needed to be controlled, managed, regulated. I just had to monitor my thoughts, ensuring I didn't do anything I would regret. The month-long accumulation of my boiling emotions had almost caused me to lash out during school, and to relieve that pressure was why I had prematurely gone out as a hero. But, if I just didn't allow myself to stew in that mindset, then I wouldn't come close to exploding.
Still, even as the hollowness was disrupting my thoughts, I equally dreaded corruption of my mind from the buzzings. Taylor Hebert wasn't anyone special, but she was still me, she was who I am. The daughter of Annette and Daniel, who…
Did it really matter who I was? My aversion was instinctual, yet I couldn't find a reason to cling to my past self. My identity shifted dramatically after Emma turned on me as we became teenagers. I spent so much time brooding over the past, and what could've been, that I've ignored the present and the future. I didn't have hobbies, interests, or ambitions.
I've abandoned my childhood self. I disregarded my current self.
The role of the victim was branded on me, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. The actions of my bullies, the inaction of the bystanders, those were what I had allowed to decide what happened to me. I was being bullied, there was nothing I could do about it, I needed to be rescued. This perception of myself had stifled everything else.
Endless days of being the victim and whining about it were all I knew.
What made my harrasment really bite was the realization that it was merely an afterthought of the perpetrators. My classmates just did it for a quick laugh, and for extra points among their peers. As for my main three bullies, I was just a stepping stone, an example for the rest.
I don't think I'll ever truly understand Emma. I have no idea why she dramatically flipped her attitude towards me over that summer, but I went from her best friend to a disgraceful reminder of her past. So much of my childhood was spent making fond memories with her, so to have her call our relationship a mistake was soul crushing.
Especially when she bonded with her new best friend, Sophia, by bullying me together.
I was jolted out of my thoughts as the sensation of basking in cold water became too much for me to bear with. The water from the shower had turned freezing by now, the cold drops crashing against my back were like pinpricks.
The hollowness in my mind was aching and also ringing out in my consciousness. Almost reflexively, I slotted in Alabaster's buzzing. There wasn't a ripple or anything of the sort, my body just gradually lost all hue, until I was left a stark white. And on the count of five seconds, my mind and body were restored to a pristine state.
After drying myself off and getting dressed in a casual outfit, I couldn't help but stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. Objectively, I wasn't beautiful nor cute, but being stark white and reminiscent of a marble statue certainly did elevate my natural features. Unfortunately, the self-confidence in my appearance was wiped after five seconds, so I moved on.
I wasn't good looking, or physically fit. According to Emma, I was ugly, scrawny, pouchy. My eyes were too far apart, my nose was too long, my lips were too wide, my cheek bones were too low. Fortunately, my self-depreciation was wiped after five seconds. I wasn't a supermodel, nor did I spend hours applying make-up and styling my hair.
I was… average looking actually, and exercising was filling out my scrawny limbs while also thinning out my pouchy gut. I think I spent too much time dwelling on the insults of Emma, for some reason she was obsessed over physical appearances. Eventually, I internalized her opinions, thinking that if I wasn't ugly then she would stop or leave me alone.
It was the same with Sophia and her obsession with fitness. As a track and field star, she seemed to value strength over all else. Most of her insults towards me were about my weakness, my powerlessness. I didn't really care that much about them, because objectively they were just statements.
Although recently, as my emotions swelled, I took everything insult towards my physical capabilities to heart. She was the reason I started running and lifting, I had to get stronger. It took a few days, but eventually I realized why it was that I wanted strength, so I could beat her. And I don't mean in a competition, I meant like beating her to death.
I had channeled that desire to focus on my training for the sake of training, since killing was wrong, although the temptation grew with every passing day. Especially since it seemed like Sophia redoubled her effort in harassing me, it felt like she took every opportunity to push or shove me that she could take.
There was an incident where she yanked on my hair and I almost lost control of my rage, but a teacher walked onto the scene, so I could only glare at her smirking face. No matter how much her eyes were daring me to act, I restrained myself.
And then there was Madison, whereas Emma invalidated my appearance and Sophia mocked my physical power, she seemed to enjoy ruining my grades. Though to be honest, I could hardly care less about her. She wasn't unique in any way, if she wasn't friends with Emma or Sophia, then she would just be another faceless bully.
I couldn't just walk about my house looking like a moving statue, in case anyone peeked through the uncovered windows, so I swapped Alabaster's buzzing for Stalker's. I did hesitate for a brief moment, as I prepared myself to take stock of every thought.
I could feel my blood pressure rising, but it was cold, so I was probably just trying to heat my body back to its optimal temperature.
After I threw my old clothes into my hamper, I went downstairs to eat breakfast with my father. It was… uneventful for the most part. There was some meaningless small talk, but nothing important.
"Are you… okay?" Daniel's voice, already weak, squeaked slightly as he asked with a look of worry on his face.
Perhaps this could be called an event, my listless father was doing something besides looking glum… I had to clamp down on my dismissive thoughts. My mental state has been tainted, however, I fear it's too late. For the past month, I've been stewing in irrational emotions towards my bullies, the entire school, and my father.
When my mom died, it felt like she took my dad with her. And even though he escaped the slump of devastation, he never regained the spark of life. He was just going through the motions, being a dutiful employee, and a responsible father.
I loved him, after he changed I loved him, and even now I love him, however, there were impassable walls separating us. Unfortunately, my volatile emotions had fueled my disappointment in him for a month already, irreparably altering my opinion on him.
Pathetic, was now what I thought of him. I wanted to repair my opinion of him, however, even now with a calmer mind, I was still disappointed in him. And I had to fight back against myself to not glare and snarl at him, I even debated whether or not to just swap to Alabaster's buzzing. His daughter suddenly turning stark white would probably be better for him than the expression I wanted to show him.
"I'm fine." I looked away and sat up, then I took my dishes over to the sink. He didn't say anything in response. I silently washed the crockery and cutlery, hoping all the while that I didn't let my feelings show on my face before I answered. "I'm going to the mall later."
When I was done, without looking back at him, I went to my room to grab my half-full laundry hamper, then I took it down to the basement to wash my clothes. I used extra detergent to get rid of the small blood stains. I hoped it would come out in the washing machine, but if it didn't then I would have to do it by hand.
It wasn't that inherently different than cleaning out the occasional menstrual mishap, however then I would have to consciously consider what caused the wound and the blood stains. I was shot in the head, I fell off a building. I should be dead, but that wasn't important right now.
Impatiently, I tapped my foot against the floor as I waited for my load to be down. I couldn't just leave my superhero costume in the machine for my dad to find, so I had to keep watch.
Was I okay? His question still lingered in my mind, and honestly, I wasn't sure. What did being okay actually mean? I was still being bullied and my power was fucking with my emotions, but I wasn't dead, was this okay enough?
There wasn't anything I could do about my school life. I was trying to be a hero, sure it wasn't for the best reasons, but I wasn't using my power against innocent civilians, wasn't that good enough?
As I waited, my mind wandered back on the topic of my future. I didn't really have much of anything currently, and I had no future goals, mostly thanks to those bitches at school constantly ruining everything. I didn't like craft classes because my projects were always ruined. I didn't like any class because I couldn't really pay attention while I was being harassed.
During computer class I wasn't bothered and my work couldn't be ruined, so I was pretty good at beginners programming and graphic design, but I had no passion for it. My mom had been an English Professor, so I did have some love for literature, but not enough to seek an occupation in that field.
I had nothing. No, that wasn't true anymore; I had superpowers now. Sure, I only became a hero so I would have an outlet for my emotions without giving in to the temptation of getting revenge against my bullies. However, I saved people last night. I was strong now, stronger than my old pathetic self who could only curl up and cry about it.
I had power, I wouldn't play the role of victim any longer. I felt my heart rate skyrocket as my memories of last month punched me in the gut. For just a second, I flashed back to that moment, and the overwhelming sense of powerlessness almost made me black out again.
My body shifted as I switched states without a thought. My subconscious must've activated it, reminding me that I have powers now. It wasn't just bravado or empty words, I had superpowers and I won't be a victim or bystander again. Still, the sense of absolute helplessness permeated my body, and my defeat last night only fueled it.
Channeling my bubbling emotions into boiling rage was my only option. I shifted back, and my body shook violently demanding that I find release. My breathing was erratic and my muscles were twitching, I was close to exploding. I swapped out Stalker's buzzing for Alabaster's.
After a few seconds, my body and mind were reset. I took a deep breath before swapping back. I glanced at the basement door, praying that my luck didn't screw me over, but fortunately it was still closed and my dad wasn't there.
I had more than one power now. I could be a versatile hero, and in the face of superpowered villains, schoolyard bullies would be nothing in comparison. Though, before I have a power trip, I should at least defeat a villain or two first, and to do that, I needed a better grasp on my powers.
After I folded up and hid my costume in a difficult to reach compartment, while putting my normal clothes away. I debated with myself over jogging or taking the public bus, and although I didn't like how messy public transport was, I didn't want to be sweaty when I found the rogue at the mall.
Unsurprisingly, the bus was pretty full on Sunday. I paid my fare and walked over to the side door so I could leave quickly at my stop. My skin felt itchy as I squeezed past unkempt strangers, and I could feel my blood pressure rise the longer I spent surrounded.
The ride wouldn't be long, however every hitch and bump of the bus that undulated the amalgamated mass around me had made my irritation spike. My eyes darted around, taking in every detail and judging everyone around me, I was searching for weaknesses, for escape routes, then I saw him.
At first bit by bit, small details that didn't really catch my attention, but when my mind took in his entire being, I was captivated. He wasn't anything truly special, sure he was handsome, but his physical appearance wasn't something that should send my brain alight with desire. That was an exaggeration, but really I was shocked by how much I was drawn to him, and how much my brain was telling me to talk to him.
Fortunately, I recognized this pattern of impulsive thoughts so I removed Stalker's buzzing. The hollowness stung, but I could manage that instead of gawking at a boy on the bus. Sure enough, I did find him good looking, but I had no desire to associate with him.
I did see that the glare on his face, that I missed somehow, shifted into confusion as he blinked at me. I could only hope he found me a slight annoyance and not that he felt compelled to kill me. Considering the impulse on my side was minor, I couldn't imagine he felt anything strong in response.
A new buzzing entered my peripheral awareness, and my hollowness rang louder inside my skull. Oddly enough, this new buzzing sounded like it was outside my skull, like it was an insect passing by my left ear. This thought caused my body to react on reflex, and I swatted near my ear with the back of my left hand.
I hadn't felt anyone's presence behind me, but that didn't mean someone wasn't there outside my perception. My hand whacked into their face rather violently, and that faint buzzing grew louder as my hand spasmed. It crawled down my wrist and through my nerves directly up to my brain, where it forcibly slotted itself in.
I felt a bit uneasy as I turned around to face who I had accidentally smacked. I saw a young girl, in a trashy outfit, holding her nose with one hand, and in her other hand was my wallet. My fist swung out faster than my brain realized that she had pickpocketed from me.
Her eyes widened and she ducked beneath my fist, falling on her ass. And then she clenched her eyes shut as she took a deep breath in, my emotions overwhelmed me and I swung my foot backwards to wind up for a hard kick towards her face…
After I blinked, I forgot what I was about to do.
My sudden high of emotions confused me, but I calmed down as I bent over to pick up my wallet. I must've been more irritated than I thought if losing my wallet made me panic like that. It only took a moment of my attention before I realized that there was a new buzzing in my head. If I had to describe it, I would say it was a low frequency hum.
As I was focusing on the new buzzing, and what that meant, the bus had come to a stop and I was pushed out the side door. I scraped my palms on the sidewalk pavement as I caught myself, and glared backwards at the person who shoved me.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." A tall man apologized with a look of genuine regret. "I didn't see you, I'm so sor…" As he blinked mid apology, his eyes glazed over slightly and he took a step forward.
I scrambled away as he almost stepped on my ankle, and I had to quickly get up as more people got off the bus and almost walked all over me. I stood in silence, just observing what was happening.
The last people to get off the bus before it departed were the handsome boy I had seen earlier, and the… trashy girl who tried to steal my wallet. I felt a murderous rage erupt inside my heart, I almost walked over and shoved her onto the pavement, where I then would have smashed her skull into a pulp against the sidewalk.
But I restrained myself, and I watched them. The girl looked terrified and her head darted around like she was a rabbit being hunted by a wolf, she was clearly aware of my intentions to kill her, and yet she didn't seem to notice my glare. When I took a step towards her, her eyes darted in my direction.
"Did you hear that?" She whispered harshly to the boy.
"Just tell what's going on, I can't understand what's happening if you don't explain." The boy's voice was deeper than expected, mostly because although he looked mature and masculine, his face still possessed the youth of a boy. After he finished talking, he looked around in confusion before walking away.
It probably wasn't heroic to stand around watching a handsome boy, so I should leave. Unfortunately, this stop wasn't where I planned on getting off, so I would have to jog anyway. As I was stretching and wondering about my new buzzing, I heard faint footsteps running away, and oddly enough although they sounded nearby but I couldn't see anyone.
I took a detour down an alley and behind a dumpster to quickly swap to Alabaster's buzzing to heal the scraps on my hands. And as I did so, it felt like my mind cleared up a bit. I was forgotten about and remained unseen by a crowd walking off the bus. And there was that girl, who while my memories of her were foggy, I could definitely recall that I wanted to kill her.
A Stranger, that was my conclusion. And I had touched her after being alerted of her buzzing, which in a similar turn of events as last night, I had copied her power. This wasn't enough to be a definitive answer to how I copied powers, but it was a pretty strong case. Regardless, with the new buzzing came a new inexplicable impulse.
More importantly though, the new buzzing didn't feel that invasive. I mean it did seem to slightly cloud my mind a bit, but other than that it wasn't strongly influencing my emotions. So, I decided to re-slot it alongside Stalker's as I jogged to the mall.