Dying sucks.
When I think about my life, I always come back to a point so far back that it might seem senseless for most, you can't go back in time, I know that now, I made my peace with it, maybe not, but you get what I'm saying.
Maybe people mean different things when they say peace, I never really understood it, maybe it just wasn't meant for me.
But this isn't a moment I want to change even. It's not a thing I regret, there's no sorrow in the memory, no sadness, no guilt, no anxiety, it was a moment in which I was truly and utterly content in being myself.
There's no such thing as time travel, no do overs, no repeats, I know that now, but I can't help myself, I never wanted anything more in my life, than to just go back to that moment and live it for an eternity.
The first sensation I've felt was on my knees, it was the sharp ragged cuts the stone ground left on me, pooling tiny puddles of blood under me, it was funny wasn't it, the way flesh wounds bled the same as any other gash, that a cut not even an inch deep could ooze this much of my life fluid, it was at least nice, the warmth of it seeping into my legs, the ground was quite cold after all.
I scoffed at myself, a stray thought hitting me, my blood always seemed to flow freely outside of me, maybe it couldn't bare to be inside me, it leapt out of me with such joy, I'm almost jealous, I laughed.
I don't think I minded how insane I looked at the time, I just stared down and chuckled to myself, at least it sounded like a chuckle to me, I'm sure to her it was nothing short of a gurgling of my own dripping blood through my scratching throat, I didn't really notice the spear hitting me squire in the chest after all.
I think I was lost in my own thoughts for a bit, after laying my whole heart out there, a guy has to think a little about what led him to all of this, right? Is this making sense? No probably not, but I can taste the irony on my tongue, it's pretty iron-y after all, God I hate my sense of humor, it hurt a little to be stabbed in the heart after telling someone you love them, maybe that was why I couldn't bother looking up again, not that i had much time left anyways.
Did I regret it at all? That was a silly question, I haven't felt regret in years.
"Why?" A soft voice asked.
I didn't really bother paying attention to it, I realized that I was pretty selfish after all, no, I already knew that, it's been a long time coming, but I guess it's nice to be reminded of things about yourself, I was starting to forget who I was after all those redos.
"Why?" It asked again.
Why are you even bothering with that question? Isn't it clear already? Just some insane guy doing insane things for insane reasons, it had nothing to do with you, it never did, I don't think it had anything to do with anything, I don't even remember what started it, it just happened, and I couldn't stop it, I guess I didn't want to stop it, bleeding felt horrible, making people bleed, it almost felt gratifying, but not quite, no, it was never enough to make it okay, I guess that's one thing sorted out, I wasn't Elsa, I didn't do it for pleasure, I did it for something else.
Poor Elsa and Meili, they never knew how it would end did they? Maybe that's for the best.
"Why?" It beckoned, desperately the silver bells rang.
This was irritating, enough already, get it over with, can't I fucking die a little quicker, is that too much to ask for? I didn't choose how this all started, I thought I could choose how It would end, but even that is fucking too much to ask for apparently.
"Why." It repeated.
It wasn't her voice anymore I realized, it was the version of her in my head, torturing me.
I closed my eyes, I could feel the warmth leaving my body, I could sense the beam lodged into my chest, the bruises on my knees, and yet, there was nothing more painful, more dreadful, no worse torment, than listening to the voice of someone I thought I loved, was there a reason for it all? Even I started to wonder with her.
I was drifting, I had a lot more I wanted to say but couldn't, or shouldn't, but it wouldn't have made a difference anyways, so I just thought them up in my head and left them to rot in there.
There was just one thing, one thing I so desperately wished I could have said, another cruelty I wish I could have struck her with.
I wish I never met you.
With that one prayer I felt the familiar chill of death embrace me, and for once, I welcomed it.
It wasn't really that eventful, nor did it have any importance of sorts, it wasn't a celebration of anything, I don't even remember the date that's how unimportant it was, I can't even give an estimation, I just knew it was in the spring.
I remember I was 5 or 6, around the time you start to actually think about things, when you start to form coherent thoughts that latch into one another, I remember I was thinking about something, I was thinking about a lot of things.
We were at a local park and I don't know where my mom and dad left, I'm sure they were just around somewhere watching me while they flirted with one another, and I was just there, playing all by myself.
I wasn't lonely, not one bit, I was pretty popular when I was young, I just liked to have some alone time, I was throwing a small tennis ball just with my hand into a nearby tree, sometimes I'd catch it mid-air, sometimes it'd tumble down on the ground and I'd go looking for it.
It wasn't all that much fun, but it was fun, but that wasn't it, I was thinking, I was lost in my thoughts at the time, I was 6 and I was thinking stupid thoughts, but happy ones, i was thinking about school and how good I was at studying and how cool my classmates thought I was, I was thinking about the future about how I was gonna get a cool job like an astronaut, or a firefighter, then another thought came by and it was about how happy I felt when my mom and dad smiled at me and said they were proud.
And all those stupid hopeful things twirled in my head, that was peace, I even remember an especially silly thought, this thinking thing is very fun, God it was almost embarrassing, but I didn't think that at the time.
There wasn't any doubt, there wasn't any anxiety, any dread about the future, just stupid childish optimism and hopefulness, I don't think anyone would understand if I tried to explain it, I just remember the voice of my mom asking.
"Hey Subaru honey, you must be tired from playing all day, do you want to go with mommy to get some ice-cream?" Her sound was especially soft, but I now know, she was just a gluten for ice-cream
"Mom, can we pleeeease stay for another hour."
"Okay." She replied.
"Okay." I nodded.
And that was it, I just went back to play and get lost on my head, as my mom's shadow was cast behind me, she was watching me, and it wasn't that long before my dad joined her, he got her ice-cream too, and that was all.
I know, it's hard to understand, I know it's odd, but that's okay because, no matter how hard I try, I can never go back to that place now, things will never be that simple again, so it's okay.
I was awake again, on my feet I stood, my mind was asleep still, some sound of sorts entered my ears, but it was too muffled for me to understand.
"Huh?" I replied dumbly because I wasn't really all there yet.
"I said, are ya looking to buy an appa kid?" The big gurley green haired man gruffly uttered those incomprehensible words into my ears.
I just stood there half shell-shocked and half disoriented, coming back from the dead was a very bumpy ride, it's bound to leave you jet lagged.
It didn't take any longer than 5 seconds for me to understand where I was and what was happening, I kindly told the concerned gentleman offering me his merchandise to shove it up where the sun don't shine, or maybe I just said fuck off, I wasn't awake enough to recall, or maybe I just mumbled something incomprehensible as well back at him, I didn't stick around for his response.
I was too busy wanting to claw my face off, Satella enjoyed fucking me over more than just fucking me it seems, I just walked away mindlessly stumbling into people in the busy street, they were all looking at me, their eyes bore holes through me.
I wondered if they knew, a shiver of fear ran through me, it was a familiar sensation, I welcomed it, I ducked and head straight into the alleyway, where it all started, I busied my hands with my unkempt hair, roughly plucking out hairs, harshly tugging at its roots trying to ease my frustration and other unfamiliar emotions I didn't think would ever come back to me.
But it wasn't going away, so i just sat down, or I just threw myself down, bringing my head to my knees, half crying and half screaming. It was pathetic, I was pathetic, not much has changed.
I tried to think clearly, trying weave my way through this whole ordeal to find a solution, it's funny, thinking about your death like an exam you have to pass and trying to recall the answers you know you just skimmed over last night, but you can't for the life of you remember them, but this wasn't exactly like that, there wasn't even an answer to begin with, Satella just lied, she gave me the wrong answers.
I felt a chuckle escape my lips, through all the tears and snot, I was still able to find humor in things, nice, or maybe not so nice, I wasn't even sure what part was funny, maybe it was the whole thing, maybe I was going insane, oh wait that already happened didn't it?
I put my face on my palms for one last good scream and then I would certainly get up and get myself together to do whatever that I was to do, I'll figure it out later.
Just as I was done with my one-on-one therapy session, I put my hands on my knees to get up only to be interrupted by someone.
A breathtaking half-elf approached me with concerne written on her face, her spirit floating by her side, she put her hand to her chest as she spoke sweet sickly words to me.
"Hey, are you fine mister?"
My face blanched, an emotion I didn't know the name of anymore gripped my heart, a bile rose up to my throat as I gagged fighting to hold it back, I had a rare moment of clarity as I stared at her amethyst eyes, an epiphany of sorts.
Things could always get worse, maybe hell wasn't a place, it was a concept, a state of being.
I was hell.