THIS IS A MAMMOTH OF A CHAPTER. IT IS 7500 WORDS ALONE. BUT I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT TO HEAR THIS PERSPECTIVE,
AND HOW THINGS ARE REALLY BEING PERCEVIED AND OCCURING.
HOW HE'S REALLY FEELING, AND WHY IT'S HAPPENED.

"Greg, what are you talking about?" Blythe frowned.

"James caught me seconds before committing suicide last night. I wrote a few letters beforehand to some people, you were one of them; and that's yours," Greg said with next to no emotion in his voice, "it's completely honest about everything, including what happened. No need for a dead man to keep secrets," Greg shrugged, "you can go now,"

"What do you mean you attempted suicide? You tried to kill yourself?" Blythe nearly shouted.

"Why is everyone so damn shocked? I understand Phil and Ryan being shocked because this is my first attempt since knowing them! But really; mom, James? Is anything about me attempting suicide shocking? Why is it more shocking now than it has been the last ten times? The last twenty? This is hardly the first time that I've tried to kill myself! I just more traditionally would go with an overdose; this time I went with slicing my wrists. I don't know why James is acting so shocked, he's resuscitated me many times over the years; at least twenty five times, probably more! I've lost count, and I'm sure he has to? Have you James?" Greg turned and looked at his husband in challenge, and James sighed, and shrugged his shoulders; "See! He agrees with me! All part and parcel of chronic suicidality, which is mostly as a result of said abuse. I'm going to go have a nap. Don't touch my daughter, and don't be here when I get back," Greg loudly stated, sneaking between his mom and James and went down into the basement, slamming the door behind himself.

"I'm going to go keep an eye on him," James mumbled quietly, still in a state of pure shock, his voice low and monotonal; "you really should go, Blythe. You seriously don't want to still be here when he comes back upstairs, trust me. Not when he's like this; you've really hurt him, and you know how vengeful he can be at times. Can you guys look after Charlie while we're downstairs?" James glanced over to Ryan and Phil for the last sentence, who both nodded with no hesitation or worry, anything to help James and Greg in this situation, and as far as potential tasks go, babysitting Charlie was probably the easiest imaginable task right now, especially considering that the alternative would likely be to watch a furious, betrayed, lost man who could attempt or complete suicide at any moment without warning again. Best that James has that responsibility, he knows Greg better than anyone else on Earth. And if something happened to Greg on my watch; I don't think I would be able to cope with that, or the fallout, Phil thought as he absentmindedly mentioned something about putting on a movie, James just nodded distractedly and disappeared downstairs, following Greg's footsteps into the basement.

"I'm not about to off myself, James, go upstairs and look after our daughter," Greg whispered, his voice filled with extreme loss, the pure mortification at his friends having discovered about his history that he'd kept so private for so long, James could feel the depression, loss and isolation in Greg's tone, James could hear the emotion of his voice, almost hear the tears slipping down his cheeks.

"Ryan and Phil have her. They're going to put on a movie and relax," James whispered back settling down in the armchair, "Greg, I love you so much. You're my everything. I don't… I don't have anyone else in my life. I'm not even particularly fond of anyone else, I mean I love the kids, of course; but everyone else I can take them or leave them. I certainly don't have anywhere near the level of love I have for you towards anyone else, ever. You're my favourite person; Greg, and I'd give up anything and everything for you, and I'm not being hyperbolic there. I've never known love like you before, and I'll never know love again if you ever left me, regardless of the circumstances; but especially if it was by your own hand. I know it probably doesn't seem like much with how you're feeling right now, but maybe it's just enough in order to keep you here for you to know that I love you more than anybody else, more than life itself, and that you're my sole reason for still being here too; I love you Greg, I have loved you for over twenty years, you are not only my husband; you are my best friend, my partner in crime, the wild half of me, the one who I want to grow old with, you are and always will be the person I love more than I have ever, or could ever, love anyone. Even more than the kids to be truly honest and open with you. I know that you've never been anyone else's first choice in your life; but you're my first choice. You will always be my first choice; without question or hesitation. No matter what,"

James heard sniffling and quiet crying from his broken husband who had his back turned to James on Greg's side of the bed, and then something caught James' eye resting on the bedside table nearest him. An envelope with the corner of it slipped under the base of the lamp; with Greg's distinctive, calligraphy type handwriting on the front reading simply 'James'. James leant forward and picked it up, opening it up as quietly as possible as he heard Greg slowly fall into a sleep.

"Dear James, my wonderful husband and love of my life,

Keep this letter and re-read it any time you ever want to hear directly from me, to listen to words that I am saying to you. Anytime you feel lost, pick this up, and I will be right by your side again straight away, giving you a pep talk, telling you it's going to all be okay; and letting you know where you can find me now. Please, these are my last written words to you, James, but I promise you that I have not disappeared, this is how you can be able to find and talk with me again, even if only you might be the only one able to hear me talk back, don't worry about that. You are just talking to your husband, and normality is overrated, James, you know that; you're married to me. I'm the poster boy for abnormal and unusual! Teach the kids how to talk to me, though, I want to eventually hear from them too.

I'm writing this because I'll be gone tomorrow, and I've moved along. When you're reading this, I know that you're feeling unspeakable sorrow, when you hear this, I know that your heart is breaking. People have always asked me if I'm afraid of death, death itself is not something that I fear; I imagine that it is much like a dreamless sleep. The thing that I am terrified of is not being able to say all the things I've ever wanted to say to you when I'm no longer here, both now and in the future.

Please don't blame yourself for what I am about to do. I cannot truly put into words the level of love I feel for you. Know that my final decision is my responsibility and choice, and mine alone. I just cannot fathom being forced into spending the rest of my existence in the personal hell that is my mind. What I am about to do has nothing to do with you; please understand and accept that this is all on me, nothing to do with you whatsoever. In fact, you're the only reason that I made it this far, but I'm tired, Jimmy. I need to rest my body and my mind for when we meet again.

I know that you know that I don't believe in the existence of an afterlife; but a part of me secretly and silently prays and wishes that there is one, so that I can see you again in the far future. I'll be waiting for you on the lighter side of grey. Over the bright horizon. You are what keeps my heart beating, but it is just too tired now, James. My heart and spirit are simply exhausted beyond repair in a way in which there is no cure.

So, take the best parts of me and lock them away in your heart, throw away the key. James, know that I am forever by your side. I am the wind in your beautiful long mane of hair that I adore, and the sun shining on your face, and when the sun sets and dusk creeps across the sky as day turns to night; know that I am never far away. When the lights go dark, remember that I am now the stars in the sky, watching over and guiding you; keeping you company, keeping you protected, keeping you safe. Just know that everything you own is borrowed, and all that we get to truly keep is what we've shared. I will always be by your side for the rest of your life, in the best and worst times and every moment in between; I will always be there with you. Just as I promised in our vows, and I will not break that promise; even though my physical body is no longer here; I still will be by your side forever.

I know that you're scared right now, James, and for that I'm beside myself with regret and fear. I am so sorry that it will be you who will find me. Remember that no one ever really dies, as long as I live on in your heart, I will still be here with you.

I know you will feel and mourn for me the worst and longest out of anyone, but when a heart breaks, know that it's never forever, Jimmy. The pieces will come back together, and one day; you'll be wake up and feel okay. You will recover one day, and I need you to move on and no longer mourn me, but instead, celebrate our lives together, everything we've accomplished and done, from the insignificant to the magnificent and every moment in between, remember and retell funny stories and smile, don't cry for me, because I am smiling anytime I will be hearing you speak about me.

You will get over me one day, James, I will be here for you forever, the bad days will start to get better slowly. The good days will come by more and more often, and what is about to happen will no longer be consuming your mind all day, every day. One day, it may be a fleeting thought occasionally, but it won't rule your life, remember, this is not forever, this is temporary.

Eventually, a day will come, and you may see something and think to yourself; 'Greg would have liked this', and you will be able to acknowledge it, and then continue on with your day, and feel no life shattering heartache for me. A time will come, and you will be able to tell stories involving me where your beautiful chocolate eyes don't well up with tears, instead they will light up and you can feel genuine laughter reliving one of the many moments about something crazy we did, a funny story, or a cute story. But you will feel only love then, not desperate sadness, this is only a temporary way you're feeling as you read this. I promise you, baby. It's all going to be okay one day, hopefully soon I will be able to see your smile again.

And when there's days where you want to just lock yourself away, curl up in our bed and cry, just remember all the good times we've had together; remember us as young men, as best friends, as lovers, and now as husbands. Sweetheart, I know that this is going to break your heart, but I need you to remain strong, to look after Charlie and Tyson. Teach them about me. Know that we've made history, two men who should've never made it here, and yet here we have stood by each other's sides. It's okay for you let me go, I promise. I give you my full permission for you to let me fade from this world, I know and understand what I'm about to do, and I know that I'll always live on through you, I will never be forgotten from your heart, I will live on. I'm still here, right by your side, Jimmy.

Jimmy, I know that I was your rock but wipe away those tears and remember me for who I was. Sweetheart, I know that this hurts, and I'm wishing your pain away but please know I never intended to ever hurt or cause pain to you in any way, and I'm so sorry that I'm breaking that promise now. I never wanted to hurt you; all I simply am wishing to do is end my own pain. Baby, I know that this choice I'm making will give you pain; but please get up and remember me, please don't dwell. The bad days will begin to get better in the future. I promise you.

Remember us fondly, even if you have to wait for the night to pass to see the sun kiss the horizon, like a gentle morning awakening, while you imagine you can still feel the whiskers of my stubble tickling against your cleanly shaven face as I give you a kiss good morning which I know you always used to pretend to sleep through to get another kiss or two, I knew you were awake Jimmy, of course I did; but I never minded. I got to kiss you another time! Remember that the night will pass, and morning will always come.

James, you will one day get over me and move on, you can look at Tyson and see me looking back at you through him and that unmistakably defiant, strong, piercing blue Gallagher stare, one day you will look at him and you will see me staring back at you; no doubt with my expressions and mannerisms as well. Seeing that might be a huge initial shock and it will surely take away your breath when that day comes, but remember to breathe again for it's simply a reminder that I'm still there with you. One day, the boy, teenager, and young man in the photos on the living room wall who were once me, will be standing in front of you, looking back at you, and one day he will resemble the man you loved; and it will take your breath away like plunging into a lake of ice. Once you come up for more air, you will see and know that there is another one of me on Earth; but this one you have raised, and he will be strong, resilient, and not feel the trauma I feel. He will be happy. One day you will meet his girlfriend, or boyfriend, who knows; and it will remind you of yourself. You will look in the mirror and not recognise yourself, for you have just seen a young me, yet you will be older, with grey hairs and wrinkles; and you will turn around and be looking at a younger version of me – for he is our son. But know that I still recognise and love you. I am standing next to you always; never forget that, and I am just as proud in have shared the experience of watching our kids grow into adults.

You can look down at your engagement ring and see the sapphires you were so desperate to have, and that I gladly and proudly gave to you and know that my eyes are shining back at you. For this is the reason you wanted sapphires, to reflect my eyes shining back at you whenever we are separated, that you will remember me and feel my stare watching and guarding over you. For all this is, my darling, is simply a longer separation than usual. We will reunite one day and we will be young, fit, and eternally happy again; nothing will haunt us and we will feel only happiness in our souls until the end of all that is to ever exist.

Remember those times that I held you, baby, it'll be okay, remember those times that I was with you, remember them fondly, as I will. I'll be watching over you, your guardian angel; protecting you for many more years you have left in your life to look forward to before you will rejoin me one day. When you feel the gentle tickling kiss of wind on your cheek, know that's me beside you giving you a kiss and reminding you that I'm still here right beside you forever. That I will never leave you, I will always be next to you, seeing, watching and experiencing everything you see, feel, and do. Yet despite that, don't forget to talk to me, James, as your voice was always one of the few calming things I knew, and I will miss it terribly, don't ignore me, please. Speak with me and I will yell back until one day you are able to learn to hear me once more.

As hard as this may feel, us parting is as painful for me as it is for you, even when the rain of sorrow will feel like its drowning you, you will remain strong- you are the strongest man I've ever known. You're always going to be the strongest, most amazing person I've ever met. It won't be too long in the scheme of the universe until we are reunited again, and after that we will have eternity to spend with each other; or at least several billion years until the sun explodes; so it's okay to let me go, James. Don't rush to me, you need to live your life to the fullest, don't cut it short and leave those kids with nobody. I may sound harsh here, but it needs to be said; don't you dare leave those kids until you die a natural death, James. They need you so much. Don't do what I did, I don't have a way out. I am trapped; you will one day be able to recover from the loss of me, knowing we will one day be reunited, and be okay once again. I promise, and you always said you trusted and believed me, I need you to trust and believe me now, okay? I promise you'll feel better one day.

I need you to move on, time heals, and in time you'll be fine. The bad days will slowly start to get better, know that I will never be apart from you. Don't remember today but remember every day that has preceded this. Don't let this become your defining memory of me.

Remember the nights of us as bachelors eating Chinese food and drinking beer on my ragged old couch back in Jersey without any other cares in the world, remember the silly pranks and jokes we used to pull together at work, or on each other at home. Remember the time we shot a bottle rocket through Lisa's window for fun, or when we'd have bets and secretly gamble on the job, remember us cooking together, remember our late night talks about everything and nothing at the same time in the bar and at home, remember me gently teasing you for your snoring that now I wish I could take a recording of it along with me to help me rest in what is about to be my long sleep; until one day I awake in the far future with you beside me once more as we reunite, remember the love you saw in my eyes when I saw you in your wedding suit for the first time.

Don't dwell James, please; but whenever a crappy soap opera or tele novella comes on tv while you're skipping channels, please watch it for me, talk to me in your mind or out loud, and know I am watching it with you, whether you are chatting about the show, complaining to me how much you always hated their predictable and ridiculous storylines and could never see the entertainment value in them that I did, or about something completely unrelated; just talk to me anytime because I am always here, and I always want to talk with you, I will talk back and hope you can hear my words, or learn how to understand me now. Please talk to me often, please, for I will be very lonely otherwise, as I only had you.

I promise I will listen to every problem, story and success you share and feel it and be right beside you when you're telling it, hanging on your every word as you tell me every detail of every little thing, you know how much I love the little things and to know all the ins and outs of everything. Tell me jokes and tell me gossip. Know when you are watching monster trucks or one of my favourite programs or movies; watch it for me and tell me what is happening, I know how you love to talk through TV shows and movies, don't think I don't know that by now. When you see it, smile every time you see a monster truck or predictable soap opera plot appear on the television, and know that I am smiling right next to you, trying to connect with you once more. When you see a box of Coco Puffs in the supermarket; know that's me sending you a smile and a wave, saying 'I'm here!'; and when you're ready one day, buy a box and indulge in them straight out of the box, exactly the way I used to love to eat them.

If you ever take Charlie and Tyson to see a Monster Truck rally, know that I am sitting right next to you in the seat, cheering and shouting along. Remember our first kiss and remember the pranks we pulled on one another. Let the memories of me you hold on to be ones that grace your perfect face with Jimmy's beautiful smile. Remember and relive the night that we got engaged at dusk on the empty beach at Bay City, watching the shadows grow long and thin while we were sitting on the sand on our old blanket with our takeaway food from that deli because we had slept through our restaurant reservation; but that proposal couldn't have turned out more perfect in my eyes. Primarily because it was with you. Remember you bowling me over like an overexcited Labrador kissing my face as you shouted 'yes!' so loudly and so many times in repeated answer to my ultimate question that my ears were ringing for the next day.

Remember the rain on our wedding day at that very same place on the same beach and how it began to rain the second that we shared our first kiss as husbands, and we broke apart for a second and both looked skyward as we silently shared in that moment to see the heavens opening up above us, as though the skies, and whatever God may be out there, were baptising and welcoming us into married life, and that we were now forever being intertwined with one another. Sometimes apart, like now, but never alone. I remember how perfect you looked with your hair sticking wet to your face, your chocolate eyes sparkling and your teeth glistening in your ecstatic grin, and how unbelievably handsome you were looking in your suit. I can't believe how lucky I have been to not only have you as my friend and partner in crime, and partner in a more traditional sense, but also as my husband; even though our marriage was destined to be cut short. Go back to that beach sometimes and remember us and those moments of pure ecstasy we shared. I am without pain now, James, maybe you will be able to see me dancing and playing in the sand; maybe one day you will be able to come and join me, your want to come play will override the despair you feel, and you will come have fun with me on the beach once again.

I wish there was another option, I just can't keep going with the trauma of my life from before I knew you that haunts me like a Poltergeist, there's no escaping it, no matter how hard I try. James, I've tried fighting for so long, for me, for you, for us, for the kids, and for our little family we've created, but it's destroying me baby, it has been like a poison tap dripping on the ticking time bomb of my brain and fractured heart that has long resembled a fragile crystal heart thrown from the edge of a gorge and shattered into a million irreparable shards that once represented my mental health. I'm only doing this to lessen the burden on you and the kids in the long run. I don't want my shards to cut you or the kids anymore, that's the only reason why I'm doing this and causing all the pain at once, so you and they can recover, and not have to worry about my shattered crystal heart cutting anyone in our little family ever again. As much as I hate that it hurts, I can't stop the shards from piercing your skin and causing you to bleed while you attempt futilely to piece it back together, when it's long been destroyed forever. Please know that I never wanted to leave you behind, and I will feel this guilt for all of eternity.

Please don't cry at my funeral, know that my body was only a vessel, a vehicle that carried me to you. My spirit lives on entwined with your own, we are one now, James. Tell all the funny whacky stories about me and keep my memory alive. I will be waiting for you on the other side, James, but don't rush; I'll wait forever, and remember that I am always right by you all day and night for the rest of your life until the one day when we'll be reunited, and you can tell me all about your life after me, retell the stories you shared with me along the way, I will listen to them again and again.

Tell the kids stories from our life together, and how much I loved them as well, tell them who their father is, and what it means in life to be half Gallagher and to embrace their wild, reckless, intense, aggressive, and crazy Gallagher blood, but don't let them ever forget that they are also half Wilson, too. Teach them your gentle, kind, loving, empathetic and pure side; teach them to embrace each and both halves of themselves, and to not be ashamed of the Wilson half, because that is the James who I fell in love with, and they'd be beyond lucky to have a fraction of the love we shared.

When they are old enough, tell them the story of how we met, tell them about the time that we got in shopping carts and canoed our way around Costco using broomsticks as oars racing one another down the aisles and how we did it for what felt like hours to our weary arms by the time the manager kicked us both out and that's why we were both banned for life from Costco, teach them about you and me; about who we were and how true love slowly found us, teach them that if someone like me could find a perfect love, then they will surely have no trouble in finding it; but also teach them that regardless of whether they are alone or not in this physical life that they will never truly be alone; because like you, I will always be beside them, watching and protecting them from this cruel, harsh world; keeping their innocence and childlike wonder of the world for as long as possible. To fulfill my duty as their father in keeping them safe from strangers and anyone or anything that could potentially want to bring or to cause them harm.

When they grow older, tell me all about all the milestones of their lives; boyfriends and girlfriends, first loves and first heartbreaks, their marriages to their own lifelong loves, how it felt to walk Charlie down the aisle, the birth of their own children, and everything in between. Please don't ever forget me, but please don't dwell on me either, Jimmy. Always be aware that I am right beside you. I may be leaving you physically, but I will never leave you entirely. My spirit lives on through you, and through Tyson and Charlie.

When they are old enough to understand, give them their letters too; you'll find them in this drawer, never let them forget me, and remind them of who they are; they are Wilsons and they are Gallaghers; and that's a formidable, unstoppable combination. The aggressive, intense go-getter of the Gallagher; and the kind, gentle sweetness of the Wilson. They can take over the world in one simple swoop should they wish to. Tyson has a lot of Gallagher in him, keep that in mind as he grows; he will need to learn and be taught how to use it correctly, to keep it under control and to truly learn how to harness it. There is a thing as being too similar to me and having too much Gallagher in one's nature. Keep him away from alcohol and substances as he grows; addiction is in the bloodline, and we don't need another one to fall to addiction. Tyson will be difficult to raise, but he will be absolutely worth it one day.

Charlie is much more of a nicely even 50/50 split of Gallagher and Wilson; she may need to learn how to not be ripped off and to be less trusting of strangers and how important it is not to welcome them. Teach her that it's okay to get angry and she must always be confident to refuse and say no to anything she doesn't want, regardless of who is asking or requesting. Eventually, she will learn to find her voice with your guidance as her Papa, and she will become a powerful woman. Don't let Tyson bully her as they grow and teach Charlie to stand up for herself when she needs to. Charlie has such a pure, beautiful soul and you must teach her how you used your soul to make such a positive difference and heal the sick; remind her that she doesn't need to be tough, intense and aggressive like her brother, she is gentle and she is kind, and that will serve her well in her life.

I have also written birthday cards for each birthday to both of them until they are each 21 years old, please pass them on for me every birthday; and I have written anniversary and birthday cards for you too- forever. They are in a box on top of the cupboard, if you don't want mine for yourself, I understand, I understand why you may now hate me forever, while that idea breaks me, I understand why you would, I'm not abandoning you, although I understand why it probably feels as though that's exactly what I'm about to do. But James, please pass those cards on to the kids; don't let them ever believe it was their fault either, just as it is not your fault, neither is it theirs. It is the fault of Henry, John, and many others.

This is not an impulsive decision, James, I have been thinking of and preparing for it for quite a while. I just needed to have all my affairs in order and to have the right opportunity, it is why I bought Shady, so that he can help you and the children heal. While I am physically healthy, my mind is not. For the disease I was dealt and trauma that I have experienced, there is no cure, no treatment, and I cannot selfishly expect you and the kids to witness my demise. My body may be healthy, but my mind is not.

That opportunity for the final choice has presented itself today now that I have all my affairs in order aside from this final letter which I am finishing to you, my wonderful husband. While you have gone and taken Tyson and Charlie with the puppy to the park to play this afternoon and won't be back for some time, I will end my pain in the last way I can think of. I told the breeder we bought him from that I was unwell and would soon pass from an incurable sickness, and wanted a dog who would have high emotional intelligence to be a support system for my husband and children when that day would soon come. The only detail of which I just didn't disclose it is not a disease like cancer or any other physical ailment and let them assume that, as it is more acceptable and palatable in the opinions of others to think someone is dying of a physical ailment and not of a mental one, although the outcome is inevitably the exact same.

Instead of a physical poison or an out-of-control cellular growth to cause something like cancer, this is instead the result of toxic poison of repeated trauma and of what those monsters did to me

Of which I cannot ever escape the mental torment and constant visual, physical and somatic flashbacks and nightmares that constantly fill my mind and remind me that no matter how hard I've tried to cure or lessen it and believe me James; I have tried so hard and tried every single imaginable coping strategy multiple times. Whether that is in negative or destructive ways, for example in using just about every form of drug I could think of and get my hands on and times of using alcohol to excess; I tried uppers like meth, coke, and speed; but you know I've always been a downer boy. I prefer my drugs to slow me down rather than to quicken me up.

I tried more positive coping strategies I've told you about before such as repeatedly attempting conventional therapy, to trial and new therapies from EMDR to micro dosing magic mushrooms and LSD, to physically running away from South Dakota, to Michigan, to Louisiana, to Jersey, and here we are again in Detroit, to just trying to forget about it and block my memories, to coping using hypersexuality to drown out and try to cover up the memories of what they did with more memories of sex, but instead ones are positive, consensual memories.

I acted as though I am wild, when the truth is you and I both know, that you know, I am quite vanilla in truth when we make love, and it is truly making love, not simply fucking or simply sex alone. All fucking is, is acting, at least that's what I was taught and learnt throughout life. You were the first person who I ever made love to, James, real, genuine, connective love. Not just robotic acting. It was unbelievably amazing every single time; I think it is why we had such a healthy and strong sex life right up until the end, because you and I had and have a love that was one of rare, real, genuine and true love; nothing superficial or fading. We share something special, unyielding, and completely, beautifully honest in such a raw way. You know that behind closed doors, that I'm actually rather shy, despite my bravado in public; but with you I could always just be myself, whoever that was, I always knew that I would be accepted. You are a special, unique, kind man James, and please don't ever throw that gift away. You made me believe in human nature for the first time in my life, I will never be able to fully thank you for doing that.

Throughout my life I have been so extremely overused and desensitised, in a way no one should ever know. What we think of as normal is dependant on out experiences, and it wasn't until we took in Tyson and Charlie, I realised how bad things were. How truly small, fragile, and innocent I was; I never gave baby Greg enough credit for survival; I guess up until this day. He never had a chance in the world he was dealt, even after finding you; because he'd been taught the most disgusting ways to think of himself. I wish I could have somehow saved him, saved myself. Whoever invents time machines are going to revolutionise the way we view the world. If they're ever invented, come back and get me, okay? You promise?

In brutal, unspoken honesty, in bed with someone now as an adult, as a general rule I feel nothing if it is fucking, it is simply robotic and automatic, which is why I always much preferred making love to you instead of fucking. When we made love, I was present and there with you, not floating above the bed somewhere; thinking about what the next three actions to perform would be.

I guess John and Henry were right when they would tell me that "you'll never be worth anything more than the crazy whore you are; the only thing worthwhile of you is a couple of warm places for a man to stick his cock,". I'm sorry being so blunt, you know I always have been a very straightforward person, Jimmy. I keep trying to recover repeatedly; yet nothing has worked to stop these memories, and I'm beyond exhausted now. I have spoken for too long about sex now, but I believe in leaving all my cards out on the table before I walk away. I needed you to know that none of this is at all your fault, it is so important to me that you know that.

I can't think of any other solutions to get away from this trauma that I am yet to really commit myself to, aside from the single one that is left, to finish the game. I am so devastated and honestly terrified that it has now come to this. I don't want to do it, James, I am so scared, I don't know what's on the other side, I know that I've been talking up a big game tonight, but the truth is, is that I don't know what is there, what, if anything, is there when we awake from the big nap.

However, it is time for me to stop being so selfish, I need to man up and make the correct choice for my family, even if I really do not want to do this. I want to stay with you and the kids, I want to work on other strategies, other ways to work through this. I feel like I'm falling, James, help! I don't want to die; I am only going to die out of duty to no longer be a burden on my family; even though I hate the idea, and I am so scared. I am more scared than I ever remember being.

I was internally begging you to not go out tonight, to just say that tonight we will stay home, so I could spend one more night with my beautiful husband and children, to take more mental snapshots to hopefully keep when I cross over, to not give this demon the opportunity to take me away tonight. Please come home before this letter is done, James. I want to see you again, I want you to hold me and whisper that everything will be okay; we will find an alternative to the great goodnight.

I just hope that all I wrote turns out to be true. I wish you were here to hold me as I fade away and tell me that it's all true, James? But, I can't force that upon you. I can't be any crueller or more selfish than I have already proven myself to be.

So, alas, regardless of what I think or feel otherwise, tonight, it will end. All of it. The good parts of which I'm terrified to leave you and the kids and have a lot of disappointment on what I will miss out on, but I am a little excited to finally find relief to leave the bad memories and feel free. But mostly James, mostly I am feeling pure, unadulterated terror. Please come home, I am stretching this letter out so long while I'm praying to God, Allah, Buddha, anyone else that might be out there; to hear you guys come back inside. So that I don't have to do this, not tonight, maybe not ever.

I wish things were different and I wasn't being forced into this; but I can't continue being a burden to the man I love, Jimmy. You have never once complained, but I know you better than anyone, baby, and I know that what happened to me has hurt you so much too; and I can't keep doing that. I can't hurt the ones I love.

I better go now, the time has come to complete the deed and fulfill my destiny, as much as it is killing me to do this to you; I can't keep hurting you every day and night from my own trauma, that's not fair. I know life isn't fair, but this is my only way to fulfill my duty and keep you from hurting any more than what is needed.

I will always love you forever, with my entire heart, body and soul. My spirit lives on within you.

I am so sorry, but I will always be beside you, please remember that while my physical realm has left this Earth, my spirit is with you for eternity, smiling down on you, my beautiful, amazing, perfect husband.

Remember that and remember who you are. You are James Evan Gallagher. You are the epitome of perfection, and never allow anyone, including yourself, to ever tell you otherwise. Don't make me take up a second job from watching over my husband and children, to have to go haunt someone for this.

I will love you forever, you are my one and only true love.

You are James Evan Gallagher, husband of Gregory Johnathon Gallagher, and father of Tyson and Charlie Gallagher. Never forget who you are. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of anything in this life; for I love you without question, query, or qualm. I just love you, my perfect husband. I don't want to leave you, but it is the right choice so our family won't suffer any longer.

I'll see you again, remember that goodbyes aren't forever, James. So goodbye, James, I'll miss you more than you could ever imagine, but I'm not going to go anywhere. I'll always be by your side.

I love you, never forget how much I loved and adored you,

Your husband,

Greg xxx. "