2 Months Later

Bella

Looking out into the audience, she hoped, as always, to see Edward there. But he never was. Hands went up, and she called on a heavy set woman in the middle row, who stood and held the microphone to her mouth.

"I just needed a little clarification. So, you say to feel your feelings. But what good is it when day after day I can't pick myself up off the floor?"

"Well, you're here with us today."

"Yes, but it's taken me a long time to get here. For months I wasn't good for anybody. My husband, my kids. I couldn't work. What am I supposed to do? What do I have to do to heal?"

It had always been so cut and dry before. Time heals all wounds.

Her voice shook as she said the words. "Even now I'm on the verge of tears. We all knew my mom was going to die. We were with her on her deathbed, but today is just as hard as it was yesterday."

"Have you tried talking to her?" Bella asked.

"I have. And I just hear the things that I imagine she would say. But how can I know that it's really her?"

"How do you know that it isn't? She hasn't left you. Not really. She knows what you're going through, and she wants for you to heal."

The woman shook her head. "I just wish I could really hear her. Or have some kind of proof that she's there."

"That's the tricky part. The more you want something, the more you push it away. It's best to believe that she's here with you. When you can let go of the expectation, when you can raise yourself up to a higher vibration, then you'll know."

"How do I do that?"

Bella heard the words coming out of her mouth, and she knew they were true, yet she'd hardly been able to find the peace she was trying to lead this lady towards. "It's a process. Set an intention. Feel your pain, and allow the emotions, but don't allow yourself to stay in the sadness. Talk to her, and ask her to guide you out of the pain, and whatever comes, whether it be a thought, or a scent, or a feeling or a sensation, trust that it's her and that she loves you so very much."

The woman thanked her, and the group applauded. Now, if she could only take her own advice. "Next question…"

She'd already done 10 states in 2 months, needing the distraction, and asked Angela to schedule more seminars. It wasn't good for her, and Bella knew this…but it seemed better than crying on the floor. Grieving Edward.

After signing several autographs and giving inspiration to the masses, Bella felt drained and returned to her hotel room. It wasn't quite 9 pm, but the October sky was dark. Halloween was coming. It was one of her favorite holidays. Funny how she'd imagined spending it with Edward and Renesmee, and yet, she found herself at the end of every night, the same as always. Alone.

She looked at her phone, and sighed at the image of the animated black cat on the screen. She'd removed the wallpaper of Edward's and Nessie's faces. That had been for her own good. She told herself that keeping it there would only remind herself of them.

What was he doing now?

She always thought of them. Every time she saw a pretty crystal on a necklace, she wanted to buy it for Nessie. Every time she opened up her email, she longed for any correspondence from Edward. What she wouldn't give for one of his strongly worded emails. How much she wanted for him to yell or curse at her for her involvement in their lives. But there was nothing but silence. How many times had she texted him, but not sent it? She wondered all the time. Is it over? Is he seeing anyone?

Bella felt like as much as she wanted to give in and settle down and be the good little woman for him, that wasn't who she was. This work was her lifeblood, and it was who she was. She couldn't give it up. She was put on this earth to help people…and she would continue to for as long as she could.

But it was of little consolation.

What was Edward doing now? She wanted desperately to speak to him, to hear his voice, to know that she was still in his heart. Bella wondered if maybe she'd made a terrible mistake, having thought she'd sacrificed herself for the greater good. But what good was this doing for anybody? Tears rolled down her cheeks, and the self-loathing entered.

Bella, you are a phony.

You are not fooling anyone.

He's probably moved on. And it was easy for him because you did what you had to do: open his heart. You didn't deserve him. Rose was right. What were you thinking? You were never going to be enough for him. You don't even practice what you preach.

Hypocrite.

Liar.

Fool.

Sobs racked her body, and sleep overcame her.

Edward

He checked his phone, as he had every morning. He'd become accustomed to this routine. The first thing he'd done after their conversation was to put away the ring. It amazed him, at the time, that it no longer had any power over him. But now, Bella was gone…because she chose to be.

She'd been putting out videos and he'd watched them obsessively…but as of late, she'd only been publishing one a week. She'd slowed down. He wondered how she was…if she missed them.

Edward had gone through all the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining…he mused that if he'd allowed himself to do this with Rose that he wouldn't have been pining for her five years later…But maybe Bella was never meant for him.

He couldn't believe that was true. He still dreamt of her every night, and he and Nessie had finally gotten to the point where they didn't talk about her every day.

Now what, Edward? He asked himself this every day.

I'm going to go to work, I'm going to enjoy my daughter. I'm going to live my life…and pretend that Bella Swan was ever a part of it.

But still, he checked his phone. For nothing.

"Daddy, she's doing a seminar in Seattle in a month. Can we go see her?" Nessie asked. The desperation had been absent from her tone, and his heart gave a lurch. The truth was he wanted to see her. Badly. Meeting back at the place where they'd first met…the scene of the crime…only now things were so different. He couldn't imagine that man he'd been then…having been so judgmental and hostile to her.

Bella had been right on the cruise. They only stood to get hurt. She couldn't commit herself to anyone. Now, here they were.

Now what?

He glanced at his watch as the dread pooled in the pit of his stomach. The joy had dissipated from his life. He'd not wanted to compose. Whenever he and Nessie had gone out, he mourned Bella now…the perfection of what it had been like with the three of them. Work…he had to go to work. He hated his job. He hated his life. He needed to take a break or a vacation. This wasn't life…and it wasn't living. Rose would've wanted better for him.

That was when he decided. He didn't like who he was or who he'd become. And he didn't like how Nessie would barely even speak to him now. No. He was determined to do better. It was time for a change. A big one.

Bella

A month later…

He wasn't in the audience. Nor should she have expected him to be. But here she was in Seattle, in front of the large group…once again, every seat was filled… Bella had been as in demand as ever, and she'd been forcing herself to do this. The inspiration she'd had had faded, and she kept telling herself that Seattle would be the last one. Angela would try to talk her out of it, of course, telling her that they would have to refund thousands of dollars.

She didn't have it in her anymore. But she told herself that if she could just make it to Seattle…that Edward would be there…that some sort of clarity would come from that seminar. It had to…

Her heart had sunk as low as the floor when she'd signed the last autograph. Hope had been a dangerous thing. Angela was texting her, asking her if she was okay.

I'm very far from okay, my friend.

She was a fool. After what she'd done, after the way she'd broken it off with Edward, why did she think that Edward was desperate enough to see her again, maybe appear in the audience like he had the first time. No, things didn't work that way because her life was not a romance novel.

Numbness occupied every cell in her brain as she fell to bed in her hotel room. This was ridiculous. She had to call him…but what if he wouldn't talk to her? No…she had to go see him. Maybe that would change something…maybe he would forgive her.

Maybe just a hint of the love he'd professed for her was still there…hiding behind the hatred he must've felt.

She sent a text to Angela and put it as simply as she could, inviting no questions.

Cancel the rest of my tour. I'm going home.

After hitting send, she powered down her phone. Fortunately, Angela was in Chicago talking to Bella's publicist. This was not going to be good for any of them. But, Bella finally felt a light at the end of the tunnel. Her cup was empty. How could she give what she didn't have?

She kept the phone off as she proceeded home to pick up her car. Then the next item on the agenda: Go see Edward. And Nessie. Bella had to do something. What she'd been doing for the last 3 months had only dug her deeper into depression.

The sky was cloudy, and the wipers swayed back and forth as she pulled into Edward's driveway. The Volvo wasn't there, but that didn't mean it wasn't in the garage. What would she do if he wasn't there? It was Sunday. Maybe she could speak to Nessie. Maybe she could leave a note for him. Right now, she didn't know what else to do.

The chill of November burrowed inside her turtleneck sweater, and she curled her hands inside the hem of the fuzzy sleeves and knocked on the door. Rain began to pour down in sheets, but she waited for the reply, wondering what she would say.

No answer.

She knocked again, waited for another few seconds, and rang the doorbell. At this point, it occurred to her that the welcome mat was gone, and still no answer came as she knocked once more. The thought hit her all of a sudden: what if he was gone?

She twisted her body, and though she only saw the outline of it through the rain, it was there, visible…though it was difficult to read with the sheets of droplets coming down.

Her heart pounded as she hurried to the sign post in Edward's yard. Sold.

He was gone. They were gone.

He'd finally had it. Got fed up with his life and left. The idea both thrilled her and gave her a deep pang of sadness.

Where did they go?

Bella sat in her car, and the frown on her lips graduated to sobs. Oh, she'd blown it now. What the hell, Bella? Did you think he was just going to wait around for you?

He'd changed his number. Shouldn't that have given her a clue? That he didn't want to be reached. He didn't want to hear from her.

She could reach out to Esme…that had always been an option. But, she didn't dare do that. She had no idea how he'd handled that with his family, nor was it any of her business.

None of this was serving her. She'd been so wrong, thinking that her purpose, that sharing her gift with the world was all she'd needed. Maybe this was the lesson.

She hadn't heard from Charlie in months. Last time she texted, his answer had been a brief "doing fine" and that was it. He followed it with a question about the wedding, and she knew she shouldn't lie, but allowed him to continue thinking that there still was one. Her deceit knew no bounds.

Now what? She headed home. What else could she do?

The sand on the beach felt cool against her feet, reminding her that fall was rounding ever closer to winter. Thanksgiving was coming, and she'd probably sit with Angela or worse, acknowledge the blessings in her life…alone. It had never been a bad thing.

Christmas would follow…and then the new year would be upon her…and she sunk deeper into a depression.

What was he doing now? If only she knew that…she might be able to pull herself out of this slump. Even if he rejected her, then she would know and that would give her some closure. She obviously couldn't go on the way she had been…she imagined that heavy set lady, telling her that she hadn't been able to pull herself off the floor…Bella couldn't imagine herself that way now, though she was heading there fast…spending most of her days in bed, and mindlessly watching videos on Youtube, uninspired to create or do anything but wallow.

She picked up her phone. She had to find Edward. Whether he wanted to see her or not…whether he was willing to take her back…that had become the burning question. Now, she'd considered all the people in her life she'd let down…her audience…an ocean of faceless souls, they meant nothing to her. Edward…and Nessie…they were the only ones she could think about.

Whether he would take her back or not was the only question.

A/N: Now Bella has a new mission, but will she find Edward or will this drastic move he's made be part of his new future without her? Many thanks to you all for your patience! These past few weeks have been chock full of distractions, holidays, and real life. I hope to return to a more predictable schedule by the end of January but will definitely update before then. Many thanks to my beta EdwardsFirstKiss, who is so much more on the ball than I am! As always, I look forward to hearing from you and will let you know when a new update is coming!