Άλλος βίος, άλλη δίαιτα (Another life, another way) – An old saying
A hushed gasp broke the silence of the dark bedroom as the young girl pushed herself up from her bed, eyes darting around the room before she let herself fall back down onto the warm mattress and soft pillows that seemed to welcome her into their embrace like an old friend. In the darkness, her eyes came to rest on a once-familiar ceiling while her panicked breathing and racing heart combined to fill the room and her ears with the sound of her own confusion and alarm.
This isn't right, Asuka Langley Soryu thought to herself. I was–where was I? She squeezed her eyes shut and forced her breathing under control; her heartbeat soon followed. I was in my Eva, with Momma, and our power was out. Slowly, she rose from the bed again. This time she swung her legs over the edge of the mattress and sat up, bringing the index finger of her left hand to the space between the middle and ring fingers of her right. She ran her finger slowly down across her palm, down along her forearm neatly between her radius and ulna, through her humerus, all the way to her shoulder. They killed me–no, they ate me.
She placed a hand under her loose-fitting night shirt and pressed it against her abdomen, feeling for the raw and bloody mess that should have been there but finding only healthy, smooth skin stretched across taught muscle. She released a breath that she did not know she had been holding and stood up, one hand unconsciously moving to rub her left eye. Everything they did to Unit 02 was transferred to me, too. And that Idiot was nowhere to be found, of course. Her face twisted into a scowl as she walked to the vanity that should not have been in this room that should no longer have been hers to live in and found her own gaze in the mirror, dropping her hand back to her side.
Staring back at her was a perfectly healthy 13-year-old girl. Long, red hair, a dull brown in the low light, with bright blue eyes. Gone were the sunken eyes and cheeks, the protruding ribs and hip bones, the cracked lips and matted hair that had come from a spiral of despair and self-loathing and had culminated in catatonia. Her brow furrowed as she thought. And then there were other people. Lots of people. She began to go through the drawers of the vanity, though without purpose, grabbing things at random and placing them back in their place as she worked through the flashes of images and faces that she could remember. Kaji, Misato, Wondergirl, even the Idiot was there. And then–a beach? Red? Try as she might, she could not recall what had happened after her supposed death against the Eva Series.
If this is the afterlife then count me the fuck out, she thought, as she slammed shut the drawer she had been rifling through. I get eaten alive trying to save the world, and the thanks I get is to be shipped back into this dump in Berlin? Whether she believed what she was seeing was real or not, she recognized the room she was in. A small studio-style living area in the heart of NERV-Berlin meant as temporary housing for any unfortunate employees who were on extended duties that required them to be close to their work. She, or, rather, her then-guardian Ryoji Kaji, had secured her the room for permanent use after one too many long days of training and testing had left her feeling too exhausted to make the trek out to her father's house, only to wake up a few scant hours later to repeat the process over again.
I wanted him to let me live with him, she thought wistfully as she took in the paltry sights of her old living space. A bed, the vanity she was currently leaning against, a closet, a small cooking area with a stove, a microwave, a sink, and some meager counter space, a door leading to a bathroom, and the exit. Instead, I got this hovel. I guess it was better than being around that woman and being ignored by Papa. Well, hell, purgatory, heaven, or whatever this is, I'm done sitting around doing nothing. Seeing the time on the digital clock on the vanity, Asuka stepped into the bathroom to start the shower and begin getting ready to find answers. 0430, good. If this really is just like Berlin, I can talk to someone who might know what's going on around here before the morning tests start. She laughed aloud at that thought.
"What tests? I'm the only pilot here and I'm dead." With that statement hanging in the air, she shirked her sleepwear and began her morning routine.
Ω
Freshly washed, primped, and dressed in one of her red plugsuits with a light jacket, Asuka stepped out of her room at 0600 and began making her way toward the offices of some of the doctors and directors that she remembered as being easy to pester into compliance with her various whims. The confidence she had initially felt when she decided to set out was beginning to wane as she passed the occasional NERV employee making their way into work; their faces were not necessarily familiar but certainly not alien, bringing with them an odd sense of déjà vu. It wouldn't feel out of place if I saw the Idiot wandering around lost with those stupid headphones in his ears. She clamped down on her uneasiness and pushed on along the long corridors of NERV to her destination but doubt still beset her. What am I even going to ask them? 'Hey, I died in Japan and now I'm here, what's up with that?' That'll go ever well.
"Don't worry about that," she said to herself softly, yet firmly. "You'll figure it out when you get there."
"Figure what out?" She heard from behind her. It was a voice she had not heard for weeks, maybe months, and one that she had been desperate to hear–more than anything she had needed to hear that voice and see the man it belonged to as she had lost control of her life and everything she held dear slipped away from her. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face the man that she knew to be just as dead as she was–currently am, she corrected–and felt hot tears behind her eyes threatening to fall free.
"Kaji?" Asuka almost whispered, her eyes taking in his perpetually disheveled appearance: a rumpled blue shirt with the top button undone and loose tie, sleeves pushed up his to his forearms, long hair pulled back into a ponytail, and a light scruff of beard along his cheeks and jaw to complete the look.
"The one and only," he smirked. It was then that he noticed her reaction to him, the quavering eyes and look of what he could almost call shock on her face. His own face turned serious and took on a look of concern. "Hey, kiddo, what's wro-oof," he wumphed, as Asuka tackled him into a hug and buried her face in his chest, continuing to fight back tears. While accustomed to Asuka's overeager affection for him, the man was not prepared for this kind of assault on his person and was taken more than a bit off-guard. Gingerly, he placed one hand on the girl's shoulder and used the other to gently rub her back.
"What's wrong, Asuka?" He asked quietly, painfully aware of the girl's tendency to bury her problems rather than discuss them with anyone else. "Talk to me, kiddo."
"I'm ok, Kaji," Asuka lied, her voice muffled by his shirt. She took a second to compose herself and, when she was certain she was no longer about to start leaking from the eyes–like the Idiot whenever things don't go his way, the thought slipped into her mind–she put on her best smile and pulled away from Kaji so she could look up into his face. "Just had a long night. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!" Dead, just like me, just like Mama, just like those men I killed, the Idiot tried to tell me weeks ago but I refused to believe him.
A look of concern still on his face, Kaji gave her shoulder a light squeeze. "Well, here I am. And here you are." His familiar smirk returned to his face. "Perfect timing, too. I stopped by your room to pick you up, but you were already gone. I take it you heard the news?"
That it turns out dying is no big deal? "What news?" She asked, turning an eyebrow up at the man. "I was just heading in to-uh." Come on, don't tell him about your insane problem yet, think of something normal sounding to tell him. "Speak to some techs before we start testing today." Real smooth, Asuka. Maybe he doesn't think you're crazy, yet, but he definitely knows you're hiding something.
Kaji chuckled. "Still trying to get them to pipe in music for your synch tests? Good luck with that," he said, letting the girl go and resuming his walk down the corridor. He motioned for her to follow along, and she did. "We've got bigger business than that, though. The big day is finally here."
"Big day?" She asked. I've had a pretty big year, actually, I don't need a big day right after I just woke up dead.
"Just got word from Tokyo-III. UN forces are preparing to intercept an Angel that's inbound on the NERV base there." Kaji began leading her down turns and hallways away from the offices she had initially been heading to and towards the operations center of NERV-Berlin. "NERV analysts predict that conventional forces will fail to repel the Angel, and an Evangelion will need to sortie to defeat it. We're about to watch the first combat test of an Eva."
Asuka felt her eyes widen and the color drain from her face. Her legs kept moving on autopilot as she followed Kaji to their destination, but she was no longer conscious of where she was going. The mild unease she had felt before, the levity as she had joked with herself about being dead and going crazy, the astonishment and relief she had felt upon being with Kaji again, they all felt like they had been a dream, or perhaps someone else's emotions. This was the first thing that had felt solid and real to her since she had woken up, even compared to being comforted by Kaji.
"An Angel?" She whispered, too quiet for even Kaji to hear her. No. No, no, no. No no no no no no no. No. She forced herself to take a deep breath and push through her rising anxiety. This is not happening, she thought, anger beginning to supplant her panic. Anger at herself, for losing control; at Kaji, for telling her about this; at NERV, for having poorly designed bases that force people to walk for miles just to get anywhere; at the world, for daring to put her through this again. Anger at everything, for having to audacity to exist when she so clearly was through with all of this bullshit.
Anger was better than panic. Anger was an old ally for Asuka, a weapon to keep others at bay, a shield to cover her weaknesses, a tool to help her move forward. I am not doing all of that again. I refuse to just accept this. Her face locked into a scowl as she resumed walking with purpose. If the universe wants to play fucking games with me, then bring it on. I'm the Great Asuka Langley Soryu. Real or not, I'm fighting my way through this.
"Well, then," Asuka snarled as they neared the operations center with its banks of workstations, monitors, maps, communications arrays, and all manner of technological clutter that let NERV function. "Let's see what their mediocre excuse for a pilot can do, so I'll know what I'm working with when I get to show them all up."
Ω
Anger, it seemed, could only carry one so far. Or at least only carry one certain pilot so far. While the NERV facility remained a hive of anxious activity, very little had happened since the initial warning of the threat being spotted. Asuka was leaning against one of the less busy terminals with her arms crossed and eyes fixed on the blip on the holographic map that represented the Angel as it made its way towards the Geofront. Her face was set in a scowl, and she was drumming her fingers against her bicep.
"It should at least have the decency to not keep us waiting," she muttered. Of course my personal hell would include sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen. This was bad enough when I had to do it for real, but at least then I insisted on skipping out on the voyeurism and doing more simulation training. Now I'm here waiting for the Idiot to get into the Eva.
"The more time it spends not actively destroying things, the better, Asuka," Kaji remarked from his spot next to her. He'd been making the rounds through the operations center, peaking over shoulders and reading unattended papers, before settling next to his charge with a can of iced coffee in hand. "Word is the Central Branch is having trouble with their pilot."
Asuka scoffed. "Serves them right," she said. "They're the ones responsible for delaying the last of the production on Unit 02, probably on some stupid vanity project like putting a naval destroyer in an underground lake. I could be in Tokyo-III right now, in my Unit 02, kicking that Angel's ass–if they were smart."
Kaji quirked an eyebrow at the girl. "Why do you think you and Unit 02 would be in Japan right now if production was finished?" His eyes made a quick scan around the room, but no one was paying them any attention. "Nobody knows where the Angels are going to attack."
Fuck, Asuka thought. I forgot they didn't tell us anything about the Angels before it all started, not even where they were going to attack. They really did keep us in the dark. Don't give yourself away, no need to let anyone think you're crazy. "Well–it just makes sense," she replied, putting on a haughty tone and waving her hand at the maps and screens on display. "The Central Branch is there, all those defenses are built into the city, and they've got the only other two Eva units stationed there. Of course NERV expects the Angels to attack there." She risked a surreptitious glance to Kaji to see if he had bought her explanation and saw the man scratching the back of his head and smirking, letting out a small chuckle.
"I suppose there's no fooling you, Asuka," he said. "Don't tell anyone I told you, but that is pretty much exactly what NERV suspects will happen. In fact, you're going to be–"
"Eva Unit 01 has launched!" One of the analysts yelled out from his station, tearing everyone's attention to the cameras trained on the launch platform in use.
"Finally," Asuka growled. "Now I can see what the Idiot is capable of."
Ω
"Did–did no one teach him how to walk?!" Asuka balked at the huge screen displaying Unit 01's first steps–first tumbles, really–towards the approaching threat of the Angel, which the screens had helpfully labelled as "Sachiel." I thought they said the Idiot beat this Angel easily.
Kaji's face was still straightening out from the sympathetic wince it had twisted into upon seeing Unit 01 fall face-first onto the streets of Tokyo-III. "Well, he was just brought in earlier today."
"NERV really is irresponsible with its pilots, isn't it," Asuka said quietly. "How is he supposed to fight if he can't walk?!" This much louder statement was directed at no one in particular, but many of the people in the operations center seemed to be in agreement with her sentiment if the worried looks on their faces were to be believed. Is this how it really happened? What the hell is going on? I really should have watched this sortie when I was alive!
Sachiel, as it turned out, was done making its audience wait and had quickly moved on the fallen opponent, picking Unit 01 up by its head and lifting it high enough for its feet to dangle off the ground.
"Come on, Idiot, do something! Why are you so passive? I know you can do better than this!" Asuka was now even more engrossed in the fight than she thought she would have been, drawn in by the horrible realization that, regardless of how she remembered this fight as having supposed to have gone, Shinji was clearly going to lose. She belatedly realized that she should not have said what she just had out loud. Luckily for her, she did not need to explain her slightly out of place commentary as the general noise of the operations center, combined with the audio feeds of the battle being piped into the room, made overhearing anything quieter than a shout mostly impossible. Only her guardian would have been likely to have heard her, and he was seemingly just as tuned into the fight as everyone else.
Sachiel was now driving some sort of lance directly into Unit 01's eye through into its skull, making Asuka wince in sympathy. She brought a hand up to her own eye that should not be there and felt the phantom flood of blood and viscera run through her fingers and down her face. She shuddered as the Angel continued its assault and Unit 01 did nothing to defend itself.
"The pilot is unconscious! Eva Unit 01 deactivating!" Came a cry from one of the analysts.
Well, either they launch Wondergirl in Unit 00, or we're all done in this go around, Asuka thought. At least the Idiot doesn't have to suffer through the rest of the fight. Maybe this time I'll stay dead. The young pilot sighed and closed her eyes.
"Pilot's synch rate is rising! Eva Unit 01 is reactivating!" Came another cry from possibly the same analyst.
Asuka's eyes tore open just in time to witness Unit 01 reach up to grasp Sachiel's wrists and snap the Angel's arms like twigs, causing it to drop Unit 01 and retreat a distance away. The Eva quickly advanced on its foe, its movements animalistic and inhuman. Asuka furrowed her brow at the sight of Unit 01 tearing into Sachiel's AT field and ripping parts of the Angel off of itself to use as a weapon to slam down on its core. I've seen Unit 01 act like this before, she thought, and that is not the Idiot in control of that monster. Unit 01 continued to bash against the Angel's core as Asuka wracked her memory to identify how she recognized Unit 01's erratic movements.
The recordings of the battle against the 14th Angel, she recalled, I must have watched those a hundred times when he was stuck inside Unit 01. What did Misato say when she saw the Eva tearing into the Angel? "Berserker," Asuka said quietly to herself.
By that point, Sachiel had wrapped itself around Unit 01 and the analysts were warning of an increased energy reading coming from the Angel. Asuka, however, was no longer concerned with the fight. She turned to face Kaji, who had remained next to her watching the fight, as the Angel exploded and Unit 01 emerged unharmed. "Kaji?"
Her guardian turned his head to face her, his face set in a mask of disbelief. "Yeah, kiddo?"
"That was an absolute fucking disaster."
"Yeah, kiddo," he replied.