HAPPY NEW YEAR '2025!' This was a story I've been working on for sometime. Like for 2 years but never released it. So for this new year I'm going to be slowly releasing some of the backlog I've got.
I hope everyone had a merry christmas and a happy new year. Next mouth i'll realise another new story i was working on last year but don't know if people will like it but as a teaser it's a danny phantom x hazbin hotel x helluva boss mixed with a few elements of Supernatural
Ch 1 Ritual bonding
Imp City
"So… let me get this right," Blitz said as he sat behind his desk talking to a client. "You want me and some of my totally fuckable employees to off some prick because he what? Ruined your life, how so?"
The client was a male sinner who looked like a burn victim that had a single curved horn on his forehead, with one good eye while the other was milky white. He was not the most hideous sinner Blitz had ever seen, not even the top 100. But he was still hard to look at but given the fact that Blitz wants this guy's money, he'll toughen it out. He did however wear a smart casual attire of a simple white dress shirt with a blazer, a pair of dress shoes and pants that did make him look nicer to look at but not by much. There was only so much you could do to make an ugly piece of burnt shit look like a million bucks, even if the suit said shit wore was worth a million.
"Do you ask all of your clients why they want to kill humans in the living world?"
"Why, yes," Blitz answered with glee. "It gets my big dick rock hard hearing about how fucked up human lives can be over in the living world." He answered honestly which seemed to disturb the sinner fundamentally speaking.
"That's fucked up you know that, right?"
"Bitch please, this is hell. What I feel with my dick is considered normal here and don't you dare judge me. I bet you're into some pretty fucked up things as well since you're stuck in hell. And if you're not into anything wired. I recommend you start getting into something strange. You're in hell! live a little before you get killed by an angel or some asshole with some holy sliver or some shit."
"I was a well-respected lawyer when I was alive."
"No wonder you're in hell. 85-100% of all 'well-respected' lawyers end up down here in hell. True fact, by the way, I'm not pulling your chain. It's a real problem down here. It's why contracts and legal crap are such a fucking migraine to deal with in hell. But I'm getting off-topic, get to your story so I can kill this guy and jerk off to it later."
Disgusted with what he had heard from the imp the sinner however did what he was asked. He took a deep breath and started from the beginning.
"Well, it all started in college where he swooped in and took the last scholarship right under me. I don't know how he did it, it was already filled in for me. But somehow I know he did it to me just to fuck with me. He even patted me on the shoulder and had the goal to say 'Better luck next time buddy' I so wanted to kick him in the dick for that."
"Oh, this is getting good," Blitz interjected as he now had a bag of peanuts in his hand. "You can just tell it gets more juice from her."
Waiting for Blitz to stop talking he continued his story.
"It got worse after that. After a month he stole my girlfriend from me, it just came out of nowhere. One day we had a good, strong relationship, and then the next day she dumped me and started going out with him."
"Been there done that, hehe." Blitz laughed at the sinner's misfortune with a mouth full of nuts.
"After college, I hadn't seen him in years and I was so grateful to god for it. I was working at a law firm and I was working hard so I could make, partner but-" he didn't get to finish when Blitz cut in.
"Let me guess. He came in as a new hire, got the partnership that you worked your ass off to get, now he is your new boss and you found out he married your college-hood sweetheart."
"…"
"Holy shit. I'm right, aren't I?"
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!" the sinner yelled at Blitz in rage at the truth.
"I already plan to, my friend but. Let's cut to the fat and you tell me how you bit it and I'll get to the job."
Calming down, the sinner sat back down and continued with the story.
"After he stole my promotion from me and when I figured he married my ex-girlfriend I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped. I tried to kill him, subtly at first. Like, poisoning his food and drink but that was the thing, none of it worked. That fucking fat pig made me get him coffee and donuts every chance he got so I had easy access to his food. But no matter what I spiked his food and drink with, he didn't die." His fists slammed into Blitz's desk creaking it a little from the force. "From rat poison to Batrachotoxin nothing was working and to top it all off. He knew I was poisoning him."
The story so far had Blitz entranced. So much so that Blitz needed to know how it all ended as there seemed to be a layer of mystery to this sinner's enemy.
"It just seemed that every time I gave him poison, I kid you not. He would take a big bite or a huge swig of whatever I gave him…" the sinner paused as he leaned closer to Blitz to tell him something important. Causing Blitz as well to mirror the same action to hear what he had to say. In a low whisper, he spoke again. "He'd look right into my eyes as he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder in a happy upbeat tone and said." The sinner started to smile a crooked smile as he changed his voice to impersonate the idol of his ire. "Better luck next time bubby. I believe in you."
"Holy shite balls. He knew what you were doing and he was totally mind fucking with you."
"Yes, he was. I never found out how he was never affected by the numerous poisons I fed him. I even stopped trying to poison him to see if he could tell when I did. The answer was, yes. He could tell when I did or didn't try to kill him."
"Quick question, did you at least spit in his drink or rub your dick in his donut hole or anything like that?"
"…" The sinner paused for a few moments before speaking again. "FUCK! I didn't think of that. I just wanted to kill the fucker. That small petty shite just flew right past me."
"Well that was a missed opportunity, however, let's just get to the brass taxes of this and finish this off. I want to spend the money you're going to pay me to kill this guy. That both cucked you and stole your job to buy a limited edition star glitter pony and spy on my employees having sex, okay? So just tell me how you died and whatever this guy's name is, and where he lives, and we can get to work.
"Alright, I can see you're a busy man so I'll make it short and to the point. After poisoning him failed miserably. I started to make a pipe bomb to blow up that basted in his car but I died before I could do it."
"Classic, death by mishandling explosives. That's a rookie move there, my crispy-skinned friend. You should've just shot the fucker and be done with it like a real man handles his shit."
"That's not how I died."
"What, for reals, shite, how'd you die then?"
"I think it was a Cooking accident?"
"You think, what the shit does that mean?"
The sinner shrugged. "I myself don't really know it all that well. One moment I was cooking dinner and then the next thing I knew… I don't know. I was going through this black haze where everything went black and when it passed I saw I was on fire and I ran out a window on the eighth story of my apartment and died."
"For FUCK SAKES! The story at the beginning was going well but the ending was a total blue ball. Uh, fuck it! Just tell me the name of the guy and we'll go kill him with a hail of bullets and we can all have a proper fucked up cadaver-filled ending, okay."
The sinner couldn't believe he was paying this lowly imp to kill his most hated enemy. But what choice did he have? He was the only company in hell that could do this job for him. It really wasn't all bad after all. Knowing that shit stain he'd end up in hell with him and he had plans for that eventuality. All he had to do was put up and pay this imp and his underlings to do a simple killing and he'd have the cathartic release that was denied to him over those long years.
"The man I want dead is named Mr. Bumper Yates and a bonus if you kill that whore of an ex-girlfriend of mine as well."
Royal Woods
"Ah~ where am I?" asked a 17-year-old Lincoln Loud. "My head."
All he could remember from the time before a dark hazy feeling overcame his mind. He was hugging out with some of his sisters and then he had to go do his homework but his sister Lisa wasn't available to help him. She was off in some secret government base that she couldn't tell them about because the government would kill them, or mind erase them if they did know. Everyone knew she really wasn't joking about that. But if she ever had a say it would most likely be the mind eraser option or a secret third option that involved clones or robot hybrids. But that last one was just his theory on the matter. Despite his belief that it was the option that Lisa would take.
So he asked his next-door neighbor's oldest child, Beatrix Yate. She just finished her doctorate and was now an official Dr. and she just came back to visit her family and of course to see her neighborhood friends which included Lincoln. So she said yes and they caught up and she helped him with his homework for the time they spent together, he even ate Dinner with her family. The food was great and all but had a unique taste to it. In the end, it didn't really matter.
It wasn't like Lincoln needed the help. After all those years of studying under his sister Lisa, Lincoln was a straight-A student. He just likes hanging out with Beatrix. He'd even admit that he had a small crush on her when he was younger but he did grow out of it.
After that, he was going home but something overcame him. His mind got heavy and his eyes began to blur and before he knew it he walked right past his house. He even started to hear voices. Not just in his ears but in his very mind itself. All saying roughly the same thing.
'Lincoln. Follow. Come. Venture. To where you must go. Walk the path. Where fate meets destiny. Where there is nothing and everything. Death becomes life and life is death itself.'
Now awake fully, Lincoln sees that he is lying down on a block of obsidian in a warehouse covered in weird symbols and pictograms surrounded by candles and incense, kind of like Lucy's side of her bedroom. Once more Lincoln finds he can't move from where he is. Looking down at himself he sees that nothing is tying him in place, it's just his body isn't responding to his will to move. Moreover, he feels as if he should be panicking and freaking out by now but he wasn't. He was calm, cool, collected, and relaxed despite the situation he was in.
"This cannot be any good for me," Lincoln said to himself.
"Oh, look honey. The boy is awake." A female voice spoke out gaining Lincoln's attention.
He saw two figures in long black robes and hoods that shrouded their faces in the darkness, one tall and feminine. Likely the voice he first heard and a second shorter and more rotund man.
"Strange, he's not supposed to be awake."
Hearing them both speak Lincoln couldn't help but think that he recognized their voices.
"Is that going to be a problem, honey? They never awaken this early, they're usually out for the entire day. Oh, I hope this doesn't ruin the human sacrifice."
Did he hear that right? 'Human sacrifice.'
"Don't worry sweetie, everything is fine. It really doesn't matter at all. In fact, I hear conscious human sacrifices are really favored by the gods. It's just that conscious human sacrifices are a lot messier to clean up after."
Okay, now Lincoln was starting to freak out now and was even able to get up from the obsidian slab but was stopped nearly instantaneously.
"Oh, no you don't, little man." The short male of the two said.
With a wave of his hand, Lincoln fell back down limply, eyelids growing heavily and his mind going blank like before but he resisted. It took all his willpower not to fall unconscious again and it showed.
"Fascinating, he's still awake."
"Of course, no wonder we were told to grab him. He's special, I'll give you that."
"Please." Lincoln pleaded with his captors. "I don't want to be sacrificed to the Devil."
"The Devil!" the male spoke incredulously. "Lincoln my boy, we're not Satanists." They know his name. That meant they knew him on some level. "Just because we have the long black robes and hoods, with creepy runes carved and painted everywhere, with a wavy dagger used for human offerings to higher powers, as we speak incoherent incantations of… well now that I say it out loud I can see the confusion. But I assure you Lincoln, we don't worship the devil or anything like that."
"Oh, thank god." Lincoln sighed in relief.
"My husband and I worship the Great Old Ones." Finished the female of the two.
"Dammit, I spoke too soon."
"Specifically, the great Shub-NiggurathShub-Niggurath."
"The mother of a thousand young, Shub-Niggurath!" Lincoln added much to the surprise of his captors.
"Wow, I'm actually impressed that you knew about that, Lincoln. Shub-Niggurath isn't quite as well known as the other common ones that most people hear about like the classical Cthulhu. But knowing you it really shouldn't be surprising. After all, you're siblings with Lucy after all."
"Oh, yes, her. We were planning on asking her to join us in our little conclave when she was older but with us using you as a sacrifice. It was an obvious deal barker for sure.
"You seem to know me and my family very well, just who are you people?"
"Why, how rude of us." Taking off their hoods Lincoln instantly recognized them.
"Mr. and Mrs. Yates!" a feeling of betrayal flowed into Lincoln's heart at this revelation. "But… why? We're neighbors… I'm friends with all of your children. I just had dinner with you… I don't understand, does Beatrix know about this or the others?"
"Thankfully, no they don't" the now reviled Jancey Yates answered. "And they never will. Until the time is right."
"Look Lincoln, I'm truly sorry. I really am. I wish I didn't have to do this with you. I'd normally just do this with some homeless vagrant but Shub-Niggurath herself gave me a vision. That I was to sacrifice you, why you may ask? I don't know, I don't question my god. All I know is that you're a unique case." Seeing the fear on his face, his eyes looked toward the knife in his hands. "Oh, this. Do you think I'm going to stab you with it? No, no, no Lincoln. This isn't meant for you."
Now that confused Lincoln. If the knife wasn't for him then how would they sacrifice him to Shub-Niggurath? As there was no one else they could use it on, unless. Before he could even ask that question the door in the warehouse was kicked open and in came his savory.
"Hold it right there!" Beatrix yelled as she pointed a 9mm pistol at her parents.
"Beatrix!" Both Mr. and Mrs. Yates said at the same time both surprised that their own daughter found them in this compromising condition. That and she was pointing a gun at them.
"I knew it, I fucking knew it! I knew you two were satanic demon worshipers. It all makes sense now. Don't worry Lincoln, I'm here to save you. I saw everything and I'm sorry you got dragged into this."
"Oh dear, this again. Beatrix, sweetie we're not demon worshipers we're-" Jancey tried explaining but was cut off by her husband.
"Don't bother explaining it to her again. It's just a waste of everyone's time as always."
"Again?" both Beatrix and Lincoln said. Both were confused by that statement.
"I know, it just gets me all frustrated that people keep thinking we're demon worshipers."
As if on cue the windows were shattered and in came three red imps all armed with guns, and one of them even had a battle ax strapped to her back.
"Who's ready to suck my big dick and get their killing on bitches~ because I'm here to lick ass and chew on the flesh of mortals, and I'm all out of asses to lick~." Blitz sang as he pointed his gun at Mr. and Mrs. Yates only to be confused at what he was seeing here. "Holy shit! Is this either some kinky sex dungeon Mexican Standoff thing going on or these guys are some wannabe demon worshipers gone wrong."
"I so fucking knew it."
"For the last goddamn time! We are not demon worshipers!"