Prologue
Little is known of the time that existed before the Great Emperor seized power. As invariably happens in times of shifting paradigms, fact and myth became intertwined, creating a narrative that, while perhaps not the complete truth, wholly satisfied the needs and the curiosities of those of us who came to live in The Age of Podcasts.
It is said that the Great Emperor glowed orange with the light of the righteous, and that he struck down the cowardly leaders who ruled through the oppressive power of propaganda, disseminated through primitive technologies known as "radio" and "television." As the Old Rulers made their play to overtake a new medium, The Internet, they found themselves unprepared for the loyal following the Great Emperor was able to amass with his uncensored rhetoric and hilarious memes. The Old Rulers lost popularity quickly and were unable to recover. Eventually, the Great Emperor banished them from the Free World and took his rightful place as the leader of civilization. And with his reign, the days of the Great Radio Wars and the Ratings Sweeps began to fade into distant memory…
However, the Emperor was not a young man and he knew that he would not live forever. Furthermore, he knew that no other man would be able to shoulder the responsibility of running the entire Free World with the grace and intelligence the people had come to expect from their leader. And so, shortly before his passing, he divided the Free World into several territories, assigning to each a new governor that he felt could earn the respect and love of their people.
The territory to the north, once ruled by the reviled Trudeau the Terrible and inhabited by a strange race of potato-like people known as Canadians, was renamed "Minnesota" and placed in the care of Cardiff Electric, the most famous man of their kind. To the west, stretching from the cities of Seattle to Hollyweird, was the territory that had produced much of the Old Rulers' propaganda. Known as Commiefornia, it had been the area most resistant to the Great Emperor's seizure of power. To tame this Wild West, the Great Emperor needed a Wild Man. And so, he assigned as its leader a boisterous, loud, yet somehow enigmatic individual known only by the pseudonym "Dick Masterson." To the south was Texas, ruled by the philosopher king Joe Rogan. And to the further South, where the Great Emperor had sent the Hispanic people, was the eloquent President Paco.
Finally, there was the Eastern territory, the favourite of the Great Emperor. It is said that the Great Emperor was born and raised in the state of New York, which contained the grand metropolises of the northeast, and that his earliest followers had hailed from the southeastern state of Florida. Only one man could be entrusted with the protection of these sacred lands. A great podcast warrior, who despite club feet and overly large chompers, had dispatched many of the traitorous and idiotic rogue Podcast Hosts that still roamed the face of the Earth. To this man, Karl Hamburger, the Great Emperor gifted two palaces. One in New York, called Rochester; the other known as Cape Coral in Florida. From these opulent buildings, fortified with the strongest of wood paneling, Karl led his Council of Warriors, who protected all the Free World from the horrors of bad podcasts and their evil hosts. And that is where our story begins.
NEXT: THE STUTTERING SCOURGE!