PART 7:

THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES

"This is harder than I expected it to be." She voiced quieter than ever, her hands in her pockets, nervously trying to steady herself.

When Dimitri had approached me about Rose seeing Mason, my first initial thought was to agree with his more vigilant approach. I soon realized after speaking to Rose, that I was not being fair. I was not considering the extent of what she might need under these circumstances as well. In this case, the reunion could not be my decision. Mason Ashford and Rose Hathaway had known each other since Kindergarten. They were friends once too. If she wanted answers of her own, I wasn't going to stop her. Explaining that to Dimitri in a calm manner was not as easy. I wouldn't stand in Rose's way. I also wasn't going to let her walk through the lion's den alone.

This was the third time I was scheduled to chat with Mason, still getting useless non-compliant responses when I asked anything. I had to hope that Rose being present might do some good for us all. I was first to approach the door, allowing Rose to gather up any courage she needed.

"Welcome back Guardian Pearce." I heard Mason's voice say as I entered into our usual meeting space. "I see you are alone today. Does that mean you are no longer a threat to me? Are you unarmed today?"

He was being as patronizing and difficult already, giving me less hope that he might behave better for Rose.

"I've brought a friend with me today, and I am warning you not to cause trouble. This will be challenging enough without your snide comments."

"Has Eddie finally decided to come and face me?"

"Eddie has made it clear still that he is not ready. Someone else offered to join me."

As we stood, speaking, and tossing back the invisible ball of arrogance and superiority, Rose knocked.

"Guardian Hathaway is not on the list of visitors today." One of the other guards complained, and I smiled, leaning back only slightly to speak with him.

"Who is in charge here? Is it me or you? If I am willing to allow Guardian Hathaway access, you will not stop her."

Rose was chuckling as she entered through the small foyer. "One of these days you have got to tell me how you do that." She was speaking as easily as usual. "Every Guardian here at Court both loves and fears you." I caught her smiling until she rounded the corner, coming face to face with our new reality.

"Mase." She said his name, her entire body looking like it might shake apart, fragmenting into millions of tiny pieces. "It's really true."

I knew this feeling all too well. I'd had the same reaction countless times in the last few weeks since seeing Mason in Vienna. Mason's reaction to Rose was more predictable, as if no time had gone by; as though he had not committed a serious crime.

"Rose." He sounded light, kept back in place as she practically bolted backwards, her back hitting a near wall.

I stepped in between them, my fingers twitching over my weapons. "You sit over there." I ordered Mason, pointing to the couch used when Guardians would question him, and making sure he sat facing away from Rose until she was better prepared.

"Where did we leave off the other day?"

"We left off with you refusing to answer my questions." Mason was being indignant.

"I'm not required to answer your questions."

"Bellamy, I have answered every question you have ordered me to answer. I deserve answers of my own."

"Deserve?" I tried to keep my cool, but his unbothered approach was still infuriating. "What exactly do you want to know?"

He paused for much longer than I appreciated, only speaking when Rose started to slowly move around him, her hand close to her weapon too. I did not blame her for that one.

"What happened after you left St. Vladimir's? Where did you go?"

"You know where I went." This was not news to him. "I was called to Guardian Court." I kept my tone as tolerant as possible. "I was at Court for several weeks while the Council proceeded to map out the rest of my life. They gave me a choice after long deliberations."

"You had the option to return to St. Vladimir's." He had guessed that, and I was not going to lie to him.

"I was given the option to return to the Academy, to train with the Guardians I'd already been training with. Or, I could train with Bridgette. I don't care about what you thought of my choice. It was the right one. I was able to train in the field with some of the most elite Guardians in our ranks."

"Huh." Mason leaned back, crossing his arms. "All of that elite training, and you chose to guard Jesse Zeklos."

I could feel Rose smirking as Mason attempted to degrade my choice.

"Jesse was never forced upon me. I made the choice to guard him."

"Shocked the hell out of everyone too." Rose added her opinion.

"My choice shocked a lot of people." I agreed. "Bridgette and Dimitri most of all, but Jesse needed someone who would see that there was a better person within him. I also needed Jesse."

"Damn." Mason shook his head back and forth. "I think the spirit in your stake did something to my hearing. It sounded like you said you needed Jesse."

"Jesse made me want to be a Guardian again." I defended. "After you died, I didn't see the point of being a Guardian. I lost my faith in our purpose. That's what you never understood about me and Christian. We as Guardians, we need the Moroi. They are our purpose. We are drawn to them. We are born wanting to protect them. We are trained to protect them, and we will willingly lay down our lives to do that." I was lecturing, but I didn't care. "You don't get to judge my choice about Jesse. You don't have that privilege."

"I never had that privilege."

"Here we go again." I complained. "Back to the past."

"The past is all I know."

"Whose fault is that?" Rose commented half under her breath, and it irritated Mason that she too was more hostile to him than usual.

"I don't get to judge your choice, but you all get to judge mine?"

"Absolutely." I replied. "For the rest of my days, I get to judge your choice. The difference between us is I did not choose to die and come back as the one evil thing we train to kill."

"Fair enough." He poured a glass of water, setting it down before he went on questioning my life and choices. "Am I allowed to talk about Eddie? He was in Vienna. Why didn't he fight?"

"That was my call. I wouldn't allow it. That's all you need to know."

"Bet he enjoyed that decision. He was always a good fighter."

"He still is." I supported my friend in his absence. "He eventually understood my reasons, and agreed." I left out the loud tense arguments we'd had beforehand, knowing it was best not to fuel any arguments Mason had with Eddie.

"He still won't come by to see me."

"He is traumatized. We are all traumatized." I further explained. "If you'd look past your own selfishness, you might see that your return is not just hard on you."

"I have one more question." He changed subjects immediately, clearly not wanting to feel any of the guilt he should feel.

"Make it a good one."

"Dimitri mentioned something about the Guardian Council gathering here to decide my fate." Mason said. "He said that there are Guardians who can stand in Court; Guardians who can request leniency."

"Why would Dimitri tell you that?"

"Because I asked, and because he appears to be one of the few who cares enough to inform me of these things. Is what he says true?"

"I can't answer that."

"Is it classified?"

"No." I said. "I don't know. Dimitri really should not tell you these things."

"Why not?" He was starting to argue with me all over again.

"It gives you hope. Do you really think you deserve clemency from the Guardian Council?

"Dimitri also mentioned that death is a possible option as punishment. Do you think they will make that choice?"

"Why are you asking me?" I'd since become more cavalier when discussing the Guardian Council and their edicts.

"I'm asking you because you are clearly working with them now."

Rose and I both laughed out loud then. "I don't work with either Council. I work for them, as all other Guardians do. They give a command and we follow it. I'm here because after enough arguing and shouting, I have no choice."

"Would you let them kill me?" The tone of his song was changing at the idea of a permanent death. "Look, I know what I did was wrong."

"Do you?"

"Hindsight Bellamy. Please answer the question."

"You aren't the first to ask that question. Over the last several weeks I've had Guardians, Moroi, and even a Queen ask me that question. In Vienna, it was: 'What would I do? What should I do? Would I kill you or would I let you live?" I took a deep breath, continuing. "The truth is, even I didn't know what I was going to do in Vienna until that moment. As we all do in life, I made a choice. The Council will make their choice and we must all live with those choices."

"You made a choice." Mason repeated. "You brought me back to life, and brought me here to Court. You did all of this so that I could feel as tortured as all of you."

"You don't know the meaning of tortured Mason. I am not torturing you."

"No? Being here, sitting in front of you, watching your eyes hate me, hearing your voice despise and condemn me-you don't think it's torture?"

"You put yourself in this position."

"I thought I understood why Dimitri was so angry about you threatening to pull your weapon on him." Mason and I heard Rose say to me. "I really thought I was on his side. I usually am."

"Me too." I laughed in agreement. "He is frustratingly level-headed sometimes."

"Now I have to worry about both of you pulling guns on me?"

"Who said anything about my gun?" I replied back, equally as frustrated. "I carry more weapons than any Court Guardian. My gun should be the least of your worries." I found as much of my calm as I could manage, sensing much of my animosity spreading to my Moroi. "Perhaps we should end our session here today." I stood.

Rose slowly stood, moving slowly as I ended the question game.

"Can I say something before we leave?" Rose asked, getting Mason to turn. Still she kept a good amount of space between them. "I was a wreck when you died. You staged your death. You worked with a deceitful Moroi, to make it seem like you had been killed in front of me. You needed a damned witness, and didn't care about what it would do to those left to mourn you. I didn't know it at the time. I don't even think Dimitri realized the extent of it, but Bellamy held more guilt than us all. She didn't deserve what you did." Rose defended me now. "None of us deserved it, but her most of all. Frankly," her head tilted to look back at me, "I am surprised she held herself together as well as she did back then. I'm surprised she was able to get out of bed and function at all."

"All that guilt," Mason turned from Rose, back to me, "it ate at her until she ran right back to Christian. My death ultimately lifted your guilt. Admit it."

"Do not turn this around again. Do not place blame for your choice on others. And, do not bring Chris into this battle again. You didn't become Strigoi because of Christian, or me, or even because of Rose. You did it because you are weak. You weren't strong enough to face your own insecurities and fault."

"My insecurities were not unfounded." Mason continued blaming everyone but himself. "You contributed to half of the self-doubt I was feeling back then." He was back to using that aggressive growl in his throat, this conversation once again getting us nowhere, backsliding to our complicated past.

"I can't keep doing this." I refused, opening the front door, practically shoving Rose out before me.

Mason followed as far as he could before stopped by Guardians, the three of us realizing that fortunately for both Rose and I, Dimitri Belikov is in fact overly cautious when it comes to his friends and family. I smiled as he stood from the center courtyard fountain, revealing he'd brought along one of my favorite people to mellow me out after this meeting. Rose went straight to her own protector as Jesse started towards me.

"I cannot keep going round and round with you Mason." I stated, going to Jesse before he could get anywhere near Mason, or vice-versa. "I cannot keep listening to you blame me, Rose, and Christian for what you did." My temper and volume were on the rise again. "If the Council wants answers from you, they can bloody well pry them out of you at your trial."

Jesse put an arm around me while I allowed him to step in as my own protector. He held me with both arms, expecting my break down at any moment. I wasn't going to give Mason the satisfaction of a break down. I was stronger than that. I hoped that I was stronger. Jesse and I stood silent and unmoving for minutes, before even needing to say anything.

"Guardian Belikov said that you might want a friendly face out here."

"Thank you for being here Jess."

He kept an arm around me as we started to leave.

"Are you coming back again?"

So close, I thought to myself, and Jesse chuckled as though he could read my mind. I spun slowly back to Mason as he stayed behind the Guardians outside of his door.

"Now you want me here?" My eyes rolled, but his question kept me in place. Part of me wanted to know the answer.

"After what Rose said, and after everything Belikov has had to say, I see that things really have changed."

I couldn't tell if he was lying, or saying this to get me to talk with him again, to start another row about me, him, and Christian. Nevertheless, my time for this evening was up.