Chapter 7
The night of her final show, Rachel went home and cried herself to sleep in her husband's arms. She woke up the next morning feeling better both physically and emotionally. First, she had brunch with her Ohio family. They talked about how amazing the show was. Ollie was plastered to her side for most of the meal. Afterwards, she tells them about the bone marrow biopsy the next day and how they're getting ready for the transplant just in case. They all hug her goodbye. Her mom and dad have the hardest time letting go.
Later that evening she had Jesse and Ashely and their significant others come over for dinner. It was bittersweet, but they all still enjoyed themselves. They also showed her the article that popped up on a Broadway website that morning. It gave a synopsis of Rachel's final performance. It included a photo of her performing and another of her bowing. The article was entitled "A Broadway Princess' Final Bow". Rachel found the article to be sweet and supportive, but a little embarrassing. She knew her family would be teasing her about yet again being called a princess. She liked that the article ended with links to how to donate towards the cure. Rachel went to bed Sunday night knowing she was entering a new stage of her life. It's not one she'd choose or want, but it's here and she has to face it.
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They perform the biopsy and have her rest in the hospital for a while before sending her home. She's sore and just praying that she doesn't actually end up needing a bone marrow transplant. She's been reading up on the information Dr. McCann gave them about it and the thought of having to go through all that is making her sick to her stomach. Her treatment the next day was tough, since she was still mildly sore form the biopsy and had to sit still for several hours. She refused. She stood for as long as she could before sitting. When it started bugging her, she leaned the chair back and laid on her side. Unfortunately, that wasn't comfortable for long either. The nurse brought over a special pillow for her to sit on and that helped for a while. Still, she was relieved to go home and lie in her bed when it was over.
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Oliver and Dylan Corcoran nod to one another before exiting Dyl's room. They find their parents in their living room watching tv. Oliver grabs the remote and shuts off the show.
"Hey, we were watching that!" Their dad complains.
"It can wait."
"We need to talk."
Seeing how serious they're being, the parents become concerned. They sit up straight and share a worried look before facing their sons.
"What's going on?"
"Rachel might need a bone marrow transplant." Dylan begins.
They nod. "We know. But she might not."
"We heard her other family talking about getting tested to be a donor for her." Ollie says.
The parents give a tentative nod. "Yes, they're still looking for a compatible donor."
The brothers share one final look. "We want to be tested, too."
"Boys, that's very sweet, but you're just teenagers. Rachel has plenty of people, adults, getting tested."
"Just because there's a lot of people willing to be tested for her doesn't mean one of them will be compatible." Dylan argues.
"The more people who get tested the better the chances are of finding a compatible donor for her faster. We want to be tested. To see if one of us is compatible."
"Guys, you're just teenagers, you—"
"Don't give me that!" Oliver snaps. "Rachel was just a teenager when she risked her life to save mine! Do you remember that?!"
His mother pales but his father's face flushes. The man stands to his full height and looks at his sons sternly. "Of course we remember that! I guess you don't remember how upset we were with her for that! We were thrilled you were safe but furious that she risked herself."
"But she saved my life! She risked her own life to save me! I owe it to her to try to save her back!"
"You don't owe her anything, Ollie." His mother insists. "Ask Rachel herself and she'd say the same!"
"Of course she'd say that." Dylan says. "She always puts everyone else first. Us especially."
"You two don't understand what you're offering." Their dad says in a low voice.
Their mom nods. "You have no idea how bad it got before. With her declining health. We shielded you from the worst of it."
"And we're offering a way to make sure it doesn't get that bad again!" Dylan argues.
"And we're older now!" Ollie tacks on defensively.
"Guys—"
"We want to help her get better. If one of us is a compatible donor and can donate our marrow to her, then she'll get better!" Dylan says.
"We know it'll be painful. But for her it's worth it!" Oliver insists.
"This isn't like when Rachel pushed Ollie out of the way of that truck. We're not risking our lives. We'll be fine." Dylan argues,
Ollie nods. "We want Rachel to be fine."
Seeing their parents waver, they go for the kill.
"If one of us could be a donor and we never got tested and they don't find a match for her and she dies…" They leave that hanging.
Their parents share a long look. "Give us time to talk it over."
The teens nod.
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Weeks go by. Rachel spends time with friends and NY family. They walk through the city or through parks, they visit their favorite museums, they do things they know Rachel won't be up for in the near future. She and Finn spend every day together hanging out and trying to relax and have fun. Her mild attacks are increasing in frequency. She's had two more moderate attacks and both times she took a long time to recover. Every week more bruises appear on her torso. Her gums began bleeding occasionally when brushing her teeth. Her appetite is already shrinking. She spent the last hour of her previous treatment vomiting. She can't workout anymore; she tires too quickly into the workout. Finn and her brothers take over taking Yero for walks more frequently, with Rachel only doing it when she feels up to it (and not alone).
Her friends and family got their bone marrow tested. As large a group as they are, none of them were confirmed as compatible. They were all disappointed by that, having thought it'd be awesome for one of them to be her donor. When Rachel figured out that they all felt like they let her down by not being compatible, she called a family meeting. She reamed them out for thinking like that, then lovingly thanked them. She also assured them that it's not in their control and she absolutely doesn't think they let her down at all. Dr. McCann branches out, sending her information to the national transplant data base to find a compatible donor. Just in case, he assured her. They're still not there and may never get there. But they want to be prepared.
Taking advantage of the summer months they have together, Rachel and Finn make several trips to the beach and to Ohio. They lounge in their dad's pool and her mom's hot tub. They spend time with their family there. She had a moderate attack at her parent's house. The first they've seen in years. The looks on their faces tugged at her heart. As hard as they are for her to experience, she knows it's hard on them to watch. Her mom tucked the nasal cannula on her and kissed her forehead, cradling her gently. When she started shivering, Scott ran to turn up the hot tub. Finn took her from her mom's arms and, full clothed, climbed into the hot tub. The hot bubbly water felt amazing on her cold, tired muscles. They stayed in the tub until she fell asleep, then Finn carried her up to their room. He changed her into dry pajamas and tucked her into bed.
When they're in Ohio, her family there goes with her to treatments. In New York, her family there takes turns going with her. They also make plans to take her to and from treatments after the school year starts up and Finn is busy.
"I'm not coaching this year." Finn tells her.
"Finn, you love coaching."
"But it keeps me at work longer. I need to be here, with you. I need to be available to you more often. I already have to keep working. I don't have to coach. They'll understand."
"But you love it."
"I like it. It's fun. It won't be fun for me if I'm worried and thinking about you the whole time."
Rachel sighs. "I'm sorry that—"
"Stop. Don't apologize. I'm doing what I want. I want to spend more time with you. Okay?"
"Okay."
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"So what are you going to do? You've already said you're getting bored." Ashely asks.
She and Jesse came over and Rachel is enjoying having company. She's never alone these days, but it's nice to spend time with people she doesn't often get to see.
"I'm still thinking on it. Mostly I've been sleeping, singing, playing the piano, or hanging out. We spent a lot of time in Ohio, but now that summer is ending I doubt we'll be going back until the holidays."
"When does Finn go back to work?"
"Soon. The week before Labor Day for meetings. School starts up right after."
"And he's going back full time? No offense, but….you're not gonna be alone here, are you?" Jesse asks in concern.
"No. I can't be alone anymore. Finn only left for awhile because you two are here and I'll be heading down to my brother's apartment after you two leave. My family has a plan to make sure someone is always with me, don't worry."
"But you can't sit around on your butt all day doing nothing. You'll lose your mind! You know…..more than usual." Jesse gives her a cheeky grin.
"Do you really want to be chased?" She asks with half a glare.
"Please, you have no chance of outrunning me." Jesse waves her off.
"Not me. Yero."
Fiyero perks up, looking ready to start running. Jesse pales and the women laugh.
"Please don't sic him on me."
"You do realize that resting means sitting around on your butt doing nothing, right?" Ashley chides him. "It's what she should be doing."
"But I know her! She'll get bored! She's already getting bored!"
"Singing and playing the piano are still the best ways for me to spend my time."
"What about original songs? I know you and Blaine have written a few together over the years."
Rachel's eyes widen. "How didn't I think of that? That's a perfect way to spend my time!"
"You've been so focused on your health, understandably, that you missed an obvious solution to a minor problem. That's where I come in." Jesse says arrogantly.
"To point out the obvious? That's your expertise? Got it." Rachel grins.
Jesse glares at her but Ashely is laughing so hard she sets her drink down so she doesn't accidentally spill it. They talk a little longer before they need to get going.
"Can we walk you down to your brother's place before we leave?" Ashley asks.
Knowing they'd be more comfortable if she agrees, she smiles and accepts their offer. Rachel calls to Yero and he brings her shoes. She stays on the couch to put them on.
"I'm so jealous!" Ashely says with wide eyes. "I want a dog to bring me stuff so I don't have to get up."
"Want what comes with it, too?" Jesse asks her with a pointed look.
Ashley flushes. "Sorry. No."
"Ignore him. It's fine." Rachel assures her.
She stands and they're heading to the door when she suddenly feels dizzy and heavy. "Jesse-"
It's all she manages to say before passing out. When she wakes up, she's on her couch and Blaine is sitting on the loveseat watching tv. He sees she's awake and turns to face her. Her head is pounding.
"Did I fall?"
"No. Jesse caught you."
"My head hurts." She mumbles.
Without a word, Blaine goes to get her pain medication. She takes it and he waits in silence until she begins talking again, indicating that she's feeling better. He tells her that Jesse set her on the couch and had Ashely stay with her while he went down to their apartment to get him. They left after Blaine assured them it was fine and he'd sit with her. Rachel feels bad for worrying them. She hates that she feels shaky. She stays on the couch and watches tv with Blaine. He gets up to make them sandwiches for lunch, then insists on helping her to the table.
"You okay?"
She gives him a long look. "I'm honestly wondering if I dropped to stage two."
"Why? Because you fainted? You've fainted before."
"I know, but this time I feel shaky after. And I'd had that headache. And I'm just so…tired."
He takes her hand. "No matter what, you'll be okay."
"I know." They eat in silence for a few minutes. "I was talking to Jesse and Ashely about what I'm gonna spend my time doing. I can't sit around doing nothing. I'm already getting bored not working for a few months."
"What'd you have in mind?"
She smiles at him. "Songwriting. I can focus on writing my own songs and maybe even recording them. Maybe I can cross off another bucket list item."
"I've been waiting to see if you'd bring that up." He admits.
"Really? Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because I didn't know if you wanted to. I didn't want you to feel like I was pushing you."
"Well, I do want to. I'm excited just thinking about it, so you're not pushing me."
"Good. And you know I'm happy to help out."
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They sit around the kitchen table. The teenagers are tense, uncertain what the outcome of this conversation will be. Their dad takes a deep breath before beginning.
"They haven't found a donor for Rachel yet. And they have decided that she needs to do the transplant."
"So are you going to let us be tested?"
"Yes."
Dylan and Oliver are relieved. Their parents agree to take them to the hospital to be tested the next day.
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Finn looks down at his sleeping wife. Over the past few months since relapsing, she has had more and more days of struggling to get up in the mornings. It is now most mornings. He goes back to work soon. He hates it. He wants to be home taking care of her. But without her working, they need an income. Even with not having to pay rent, which is a huge help, they need his income, as meager as it is. He sits on the edge of the bed and brushes her hair back off her face. They've had a nice summer together. He loves just hanging out with her. He loves that they can spend hours together talking about anything, everything, or nothing at all. She is his world and watching her struggle more and more as time goes by is breaking his heart. Especially since it seems to be getting worse faster this time.
He checks the time. He needs to wake her. She has a doctor's appointment soon and she needs to eat first and he knows she'll want to shower first. And they both know she needs more time for both of these tasks these days. It takes her longer to do things than it used to. He gently shakes her shoulder and begins the process of rousing her. After a couple tries, her eyes flutter open and she mumbles something incoherent. He chuckles.
"C'mon, Sleeping Beauty. Time to get up."
"Sleeping Beauty was kissed awake." She grumbles.
"My mistake." He leans down and kisses her. "Better?"
She smiles up at him. "Better."
She pushes herself up and stretches with a long yawn. He stays by her side as she stands. Twice in the past week she stumbled when she tried walking right after getting out of bed. She brushed it off as not being fully awake yet, but he's concerned. She doesn't comment when he keeps a hand near her when she stands. Seeing that she's steady, he lets his hand drop. She kisses him before heading into the bathroom to shower.
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Rachel feels weird. She feels off somehow. Tired but not exhausted. She's not dizzy or lightheaded, but she still feels….off. Unsteady. And weak. There's no way she's still stage one. Even though she rarely goes anywhere these days (just to the doctor, clinic, and her family's apartments), any little thing she does leaves her tired. She's started napping during the day. It's all happening faster and it's scaring her. Thankfully her family has been wonderful about helping reassure her and boost her mood. But only hearing she's getting better will relieve her concerns.
"You're stage two. I think it's time to start the bone marrow transplant." Dr. McCann tells them.
"I need a donor first, right?"
"You do. I added your name to the national registry. All we can do now is wait."
"What do we do in the meantime?"
"Now? We talk seriously. I do believe that a bone marrow transplant is in your best interest. It might put you back into remission. It might not. But even if it doesn't, it'll definitely raise your numbers and your odds of surviving."
"And if I don't?"
"Then we'd keep going with twice a week treatments and hope for the best. But we've been doing twice a week treatments and you're getting worse."
"But she's only stage two." Finn points out.
"True. We can try increasing the dose of your meds."
"Can we do that while we wait for a donor? Then if I get better, maybe I won't need a donor after all."
Dr. McCann nods cautiously. "We can. It'll be hard on your body, though."
"I can handle it." Rachel raises her chin.
"I have no doubt in your spirit, Rachel." Dr. McCann says gently. "But your body is weak. There is no guarantee your body can handle it."
Rachel's blood freezes. "What do you mean?"
"I mean…" He sighs and then dives into it. "I mean that these treatments are supposed to reverse the illness. So far, it's just been slowing down the progression of the illness, but now it's starting to fail at that."
"I-I don't understand. I-I've been down this road before. The entire first time I faced this my numbers were constantly dropping."
"I know. But it's different now. Your body is weakened. That cracked foundation puts your life at jeopardy. This illness is far more dangerous for you this time around, Rachel. This is a category four hurricane hitting a house that already has a huge crack in the foundation."
She thinks about it and it doesn't take long for his meaning to become clear. Her stomach drops. "This is where that 30%…..or lower…..becomes clear. I don't have very good odds of surviving this. That's what you were trying to tell me from the start."
He hesitates. She may not be dying, but it seems her doctor wants her to be prepared for the possibility. "Your body is failing faster than ever before. And at the moment, the treatments are failing to help you. That's why you need the transplant. We'll try increasing the dosage of your current treatment, but I don't think it'll be enough. Not for long, at least."
"How long after finding a donor can we start the transplant?" Finn asks.
"It's a long process. And a dangerous one. You'll have to stop your treatments and switch to chemotherapy for a while. Not getting your treatment for a while is going to be dangerous. If your numbers drop too much, we may have to stop the chemo and put you back on these treatments for a while. That would delay the procedure. Hopefully that won't happen. You'll be admitted to the hospital approximately a week before the procedure itself for the final preparations. The procedure itself only takes a couple hours. Then, you'll be recovering in the hospital for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Even after you're released, you'll be resting at home for a while."
"Okay." She responds quietly, a little overwhelmed. She'd read about it, but what she's going to have to go through is a little different than the standard procedure.
"But afterwards she'll be fine?" Finn pushes.
"That's the hope."
"The hope?! It's not even a guarantee? You're saying she'll go through hell, go through dangerous preparations for a dangerous procedure, and there's no guarantee she'll be fine afterwards?" Finn snaps. Rachel squeezes his hand.
"There are always risks. Infections, organ failure, organ damage, her body could reject the donated cells despite being compatible, the list goes on. There could even be a delay, for days, weeks, or even months before the new marrow takes hold and starts making it's own blood cells."
"But you still think it's the best option." Rachel surmises.
"I do."
"Let's say it all goes smooth. What are potential long term side effects of this?" Finn asks.
"If any organs are damaged, she may need a procedure, such as another transplant, or to be medicated. This isn't a cure. Aplastic Anemia could always come back afterwards." He goes through a few others before touching on one that has Rachel sitting up in alarm. "We also need to keep in mind that high doses of chemicals, poisonous chemicals, being pushed through your body could damage your fertility."
"Fertility? It could make me infertile?" Rachel asks wide eyed. Her final big dream is to have children.
"It's just a possibility."
"But not one I'm willing to risk." Rachel snaps, startling both men.
"Rach, your life—"
"My final dream is to be a mother! To have our kids! Ours!"
"We can adopt!" Finn argues. "They'll still be ours!"
Tears are welling up in her eyes and her breathing becomes sharper. She knew this would be hard, but she didn't think she'd have to sacrifice her final dream. It hurts. "But we talked about—"
"You can't be a mother if you're dead, either." Finn says sharply.
The air is sucked from her lungs. Her hands grip the armrests of her chair. "But I—"
"Take your time to think about it." Dr. McCann interrupts. "We'll begin the higher dosage at tomorrow's treatment, so be ready."
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The ride home is silent, each of them planning out their argument. Rachel paces their living room, her thoughts jumping around and her heart clenching. She eyes her husband, seeing his squared shoulders and clenched jaw. He's prepared to fight. But so is she. She takes the first swing.
"I want kids. Biological. Ours. I told you I also want to be a surrogate for our brothers."
"I want that too, but I'm not willing to risk your health."
"This is my final big dream, Finn!"
"It was mine, too! But do you think I give a shit about it if it means you don't survive? Now my dream is for you to be healthy! I'd rather we live together, childless, until old age than skip this transplant and risk losing you! I love you, Rachel! More than anyone! More than the thought of our future kids! I just want a life with you!"
"So do I, but I thought it'd be a life with our kids. Finn, I'm sorry, but I don't know if I'm willing to do the transplant anymore."
"I thought you said you came back for me. For a life with me." He challenges.
"I did! A life and a future with you! But that included having kids with you!"
"But we can't have any sort of future together if you're dead! And I'm not losing you!" He roars. "You're doing the treatment!"
Heat creeps up her neck. "A treatment that isn't guaranteed to work!"
"It's your best chance!"
"But it might not work! I don't want to go through with something that ruins my chance of having kids AND might not work! It's the best option, but not the only option. I could do the more painful treatment."
"He didn't even bring that up." Finn points out. "Either he doesn't think it'll work or he doesn't think your weakened body can handle it."
"We could ask—"
"We'll figure out the kid thing later!" He yells. "I promise we'll figure it all out afterwards, but you have to do the damn transplant!"
"The prep for the transplant could make the kid thing impossible! A moot point! That's why we have to figure it out now!" She snaps.
"None of that matters if you don't survive, Rachel! How are you not seeing that?!"
His voice, strong and fierce, reverberates around their living room. Her mouth snaps shut. The anger and frustration in Finn's tone are obvious. But looking into his eyes, she sees his fear. She hates that she's making him feel this way. Shaking and crying, she slowly sits on the edge of the armchair.
"Our future—"
Seeing her reaction forces him to settle down. Finn crouches before her and takes her hands in his. "Is ours. There is no future without you. Don't you see that? Babe, I know you want kids. So do I. But I need you. I need you with me, to be by my side, for the rest of my life. I need you. So I need you to do this transplant. Please. I am begging you. Later, if, and it's still a big if, we can't have biological kids, we'll decide if we want to adopt, use a surrogate ourselves, or not have kids and focus on each other. No matter what our future holds, I want it to be with you."
She sniffles, tears dripping down her cheeks. "I don't want to give up my dream of having kids, Finn."
"I'm asking you to. For me. For us."
Her face crumbles. "We were so close to having—"
"I know. I'm so sorry. But babe, it's not definite. It's just a possibility. And it's one we can face together. Okay?"
Her husband matters more to her than her dreams. Heart clenching and feeling like she's failing by giving up on her dream of being a mother (and a surrogate for her brothers), Rachel nods.
"Okay."
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Kurt's show opens. Rachel insists on going to his opening night. He talked to her about it, insisting she didn't have to go at all, but especially if she isn't feeling well. She countered that she rarely feels "well" these days and she's not missing this. He'd hugged her. They purchased tickets all at the end of several aisles together. That way, she has family in front of her, behind her, and next to her, while she's still at the end of the aisle in case she needs to leave quickly. Rachel and Finn slip in just before the show starts and take their seats. During his bow at curtain call, Kurt looked for his family and found them. Rachel smiled widely and blew him a big kiss. He smiled widely back and pretended to catch it. Pleased he knew she was there for him, she agreed to leave as soon as the cast was off the stage. She went home and straight to bed.
Rachel went to Kurt's place the next day and raved about the show and his performance. The siblings spent a long time breaking down the show and the cast and songs in depth. It was a fun conversation. Kurt brought up how they'd talk about shows like this when they were kids. Now, they're adults and professional performers. These conversations are far more informed and detailed. But just as much fun.
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"Oliver is a match."
The boys are thrilled. "Yes! That's awesome!"
"It is." His parents smile. "We're thrilled. But we need you to know what's going to happen and all the risks before agreeing to this."
"But it's for Rachel. Who cares about the risks?"
"We do. And so does she."
"Okay."
Their parents lay it all out. "First, you need a physical evaluation to make sure you're healthy enough to donate and won't be accidentally passing something to her. We don't think that'll be an issue. We'll have to be in New York in the days leading up to the procedure to isolate you and make sure you don't catch any cold or any germs at all. You'll essentially be in a bubble for several days. You'll be bored and lonely."
Oliver's face has been slowly growing angrier and angrier. "You actually think being bored and lonely for a few days is enough to cause me to walk away from this?"
"No, but you need to know all of it and take it all into consideration."
"She risked her life for me! Now all she needs from me is to sit in a germ free room for a few days and then donate my marrow to her? That's nothing!"
"You'll be under anesthesia for the procedure. It'll take a couple hours. You'll be sore for a few days."
Beside him, Dylan scoffs. Oliver is bolstered that his big brother is on his side. "I'm not backing out over a bruise! There isn't much risk to me at all and it could save her life! I'm doing this!"
"We just had to lay it all out for you and make sure you know everything you'll be facing. We're not trying to scare you off or stop you. We're educating you."
"Fine. I'm educated. I'm in. Is that all?"
His parents share a look. "There's one more aspect to this you need to consider."
"What's that?"
"We meant what we said last time we discussed this. We shielded you from how bad things got with Rachel. You didn't see her on her death bed. You didn't see her at her worst."
"So?"
"So, if you do this, you will see her like that. You will see her very sick and very weak. Can you handle that? Emotionally?"
Oliver swallows hard as he pictures it. "It'll suck. It'll be hard. I might even cry. But I'm not backing down. I'm doing this for her."
Dylan rests his hand on his shoulder in a show of solidarity. It gives Oliver comfort. His parents smile proudly.
"Alright then. We'll sign the forms."
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Rachel is thrilled that her donor is a member of her own family and not a stranger. She's both pleased and mildly concerned that it's Oliver. She and her aunt and uncle discussed it; and all three discussed it with doctors. After being sure there is very little risk to Oliver, and got confirmation that Oliver is still happy to do it, they all agreed to it.
"Didn't you have a theory of everything happening for a reason?" Finn asks her.
"What?"
"After you saved Ollie back in senior year. The adults were relieved Ollie was fine, but angry with you. But you said you thought it was supposed to happen. That you met your mom when you did, got sick when you did, and went into remission when you did, just so you could be there, at his family birthday party to save him from being hit by a truck. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah." Rachel is struggling to focus on the conversation. The higher dosage is causing symptoms to hit sooner. And harder. Her head is pounding and she's starting to shake.
"Well, if you were right, then you saved his life so that he'd be around to save your life in return." Finn declares.
She likes that thought. "Maybe. It's a cool thought. It means we're all connected."
"Well, I know you and I are connected."
"That's a given." Rachel whispers.
Finn frowns. "Symptoms hitting?"
"Yeah."
A wave of nausea hits her and she jerks. Recognizing the signs, Finn grabs a vomit basin and holds it under her chin. She grabs it and vomits into it. She falls asleep not long after. He carries her home. All four of their doormen have gotten used to her being carried or leaning on someone while entering or exiting the building. They rush to open taxi doors for them, then hold the apartment door open for them. It's appreciated. But other people in the apartment still give long glances or flat out stare at times. Like now, when Finn is holding his unconscious wife in the elevator. An elderly neighbor who is also in the elevator eyes them.
"Is she okay?" She asks softly.
"Yeah. She just needs rest. Rough treatment today."
The woman nods grimly. "I'm very sorry. I'll keep her in my prayers."
"Thank you."
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They go back to Dr. McCann.
"I'll do the bone marrow transplant. But I want to know if there's a way to preserve my fertility."
He nods in understanding. "The only thing is to have some of your eggs frozen."
"Can I do that before starting chemo?"
"Of course. But try to schedule it for as soon as you can."
"Did her numbers drop?"
"No. Actually, they went up a little."
"Really?" Rachel sits up straighter. "Does that mean I can hold off on the transplant?"
"For now, yes. Since we have a donor lined up for you, and it's your cousin Oliver, it'll be easy to call on him to donate whenever we need. We can stop your current treatments and get you started on chemo quickly. So for now, we'll keep going with the higher dosage of your regular treatment." He smiles. "If we're very lucky, it may be all you need."
They go home hopeful.
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"Luck? It's based on luck?"
Rachel shrugs "At this point, yeah."
All of her friends are over her place for their monthly get together. Normally they alternate the places they get together. However, since she's getting worse, they feel better just getting together at her place. Rachel hadn't argued, wanting them to be comfortable and less stressed.
"You don't exactly have the best luck." Sam hedges nervously.
"Well we all know why that is." Kurt says darkly, taking a bite of his chicken.
"Why?"
Kurt gives her a surprised look. "You don't remember? You let Finn see you in your wedding dress before the ceremony! That's bad luck."
She's not sure if he's being serious or joking, but either way it's like a slap in the face. "Are you saying I brought this on myself?"
"I'm saying you brought bad luck on yourself by doing that. I told you it was bad luck."
Her stomach flips. No longer hungry, Rachel drops her fork and stands. "I need some fresh air."
She walks out of the kitchen, through the living room, and heads for her balcony. Before she pulls the slider shut behind her, she hears her family berating Kurt. Santana joins her just as she's settling on one of the chairs.
"Joking or not, he was an ass to say that." Santana huffs. "Are you okay?"
"My brother just accused my poor luck of being sick again and having to fight for my life again of being my own fault." She chokes out, the anger clogging her throat. She takes in a couple harsh breaths, trying to reign in her emotions.
Both women tilt their head, hearing shouting from within the apartment. They ignore it. Santana reaches over and takes her hand. "He's wrong. You know he's wrong, right? Joking or serious, he's very wrong. You didn't cause any of this."
"I know. I didn't think that was in question!"
"It's not! I swear only Kurt thought that. And it sounds like the others are setting him straight."
Sure enough, the shouting has gotten louder. Multiple voices overlapping. They are family and families fight, but beyond a few arguments, it's not usually serious. It gives Rachel an uncomfortable feeling, as though she caused this, too. She squeezes her eyes shut and uses her freehand to cover them. Santana doesn't let go of her hand. They sit in silence, listening to the shouting from within cool down. After a couple minutes, the sliding door opens.
"Hey." Kurt says softly, his voice thick. "Can we talk?"
Santana squeezes her hand and leaves them alone. Rachel doesn't even turn to her brother. Kurt sits in the chair Santana vacated.
"I'm sorry. I was wrong. And I shouldn't have—"
"Leave."
"What?"
Finally, she turns to face him. His blotchy face reveals that he'd been crying. She knows he feels bad, but she's still angry and hurt. She's sure her face reveals how she's feeling because he flinches lightly and his face falls before she can even speak.
"Go home, Kurt." She says quietly. "You really hurt me. I need time. Go home."
Kurt's eyes fill with tears. He gives a jerky nod and leaves. Brittany quickly takes his place outside.
"Do you think—"
"No." Brittany is quick to reassure her. "No one else thinks that. He's superstitious and all, but he should have known not to say it even if he thought it. And he thought wrong. He's wrong, Rachie. Luck is luck. You didn't cause it one way or the other. It just is what it is."
Later that night, after they'd all gone home (after assuring her none of them agree with Kurt), Finn brings it up.
"Dancing in the woods alone with you was my favorite part of our wedding, second only to the moment the officiant said we were officially husband and wife."
He grabs a picture off the wall. It was taken by the photographer who followed them into the woods. In it, Rachel and Finn, in their wedding garments, are dancing in the woods, surrounded by trees, with sunlight streaming around them, and utter contentment on their faces.
"Mine, too." Rachel sniffles.
"Kurt was wrong and I'm not sure why he said it."
Rachel had been thinking about it ever since the words came out of his mouth. She thinks she knows why. She'll confirm it after she's calmer and ready to talk to him.
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Her treatment the next day was brutal. These higher doses are really hard on her body. She was still conscious but very weak by the time it ended. When they got home, Nathan, one of the doormen, rushed to open the taxi door for her since Finn was on the far side. The man offered his arm to her and she used it to pull herself out of the vehicle. Her legs buckled the moment she stood. Nathan caught her and held her steady while Finn paid and rushed to get out of the taxi. He took Rachel from him and let her lean on him heavily while they walked in. Nathan hurried to the front door and held it open for them. Inside, another employee saw them and rushed to the elevators. He hit the button to call an elevator, then held the door open until they got to it. It took a minute to get there because her legs buckled again. Finn had to stop walking and steady her. He offered to carry her but she insisted on walking.
They get into their apartment only to find Kurt already there. Both men immediately turn to look down at Rachel. She sighs but nods, accepting his presence. Relieved, Kurt steps closer and takes her from Finn. Rachel leans on her brother and lets him guide her to the couch. Tears fill his eyes, though she's not sure if it's from guilt over the previous night or worry because she knows she looks like shit at the moment. She feels like shit. She hates this. She hates that she's only stage two and feels like this already. While she understands why, it's still depressing and frustrating. Dr. McCann explained that her feeling worse isn't necessarily about what stage she's in but how her body is handling the battle; not well.
"I won't be awake much longer, Kurt." She says quietly. "I'm not up for much."
"Okay." He replies softly, taking her hand. "I just can't go another day without telling you how sorry I am. I love you so much and I hate that I hurt you. I'm so sorry. What I said was asinine."
She nods slowly, then winces at the pain it causes. "It was. So why'd you say it?"
He shrugs helplessly. "I don't know."
"Can I take a guess?" At his nod, she shifts to get more comfortable. He helps her. She hates how weak she feels. "I think….you're upset and angry and scared. Just like me. But you're looking for a reason for why this is happening again; for someone or something to blame. You can't fight this for me, so you're looking for something or someone you can fight. There's no one and nothing for you to lash out at. So your mind is scrambling for an outlet. It came up with my wedding day and how I let Finn see my dress before the ceremony, and how you said it'd bring me bad luck and I said I didn't care." She can feel herself paling and tiring even more, her words getting softer and slower the more she talks. "As minimal as it is, it gave you a target; someone to blame and fight against. You just didn't think it through enough to realize you'd essentially be blaming me. You made me your target, Kurt. Your punching bag."
Kurt starts crying. "I'm so sorry! I was wrong! You're right. I am scared and angry and upset. And I took it out on you. It was very stupid. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me."
"I'll forgive you if you start seeing a counselor to help you deal with this better."
"Okay. I will." He sniffles. "What about you?"
"Seeing a counselor is part of preparing for the bone marrow transplant. I'll tell you more tomorrow."
"Alright. Get some sleep." He kisses her cheek.
She snuggles down on the couch. Yero jumps up and curls up with her. She's asleep before Finn comes in to check on her.
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The school year starts. Finn is back to work, so the plan amongst her family to always have someone with her begins. Sam is the one with her the first morning, since he has the morning off. They watch a movie and talk. Rachel laughs at his attempts to impersonate the different actors in the movie. Towards the end of the movie she begins to feel weird. Weird, but oddly familiar. It takes her a moment to realize why.
"Sam." She utters.
Hearing her tone, Sam jumps to attention. "Yeah?"
"My heart's racing." And she's slurring. "And I feel heavy."
He grabs his bag and pulls out his stethoscope. It's convenient having a loved one with actual medical expertise around. He checks her vitals and frowns. "This happened before, remember? As a side effect of the higher dosage and more frequent treatments? I'm sorry, Rach. All you can do is rest and ride it out."
She nods. She knows. She'd just wanted him to be aware. He helps her lie down and lays a blanket over her. She falls asleep before the movie ends. When she wakes, Quinn is running her fingers through her hair, her head in the blonde's lap, and she can hear the clatter of pots in the kitchen.
"Finn has to stay late for a 'first day briefing'." Quinn tells her. "So we came over to make dinner and hang out. Are you ready to sit up?"
"I think so."
At least she's not slurring anymore. And her heart has slowed to normal. Quinn slides an arm under her back and helps her sit up. A wave of dizziness hits Rachel and she sucks in a breath. Quinn holds her steady through it. She's only stage two, but this feeling is so reminiscent of how it felt to be stage four that she has to remind herself she's not that bad off.
"Need to lay back down?"
"No. Just give me a sec."
"Okay."
When it passes, she leans back on the couch. "You're actually letting Noah cook? I thought you banned him."
"It was a temporary ban."
"He somehow made a pot explode." Rachel deadpans.
Quinn chuckles. "Yeah, I know. But he's learned from his mistake. And he makes awesome mac and cheese."
"He does. Is that what he's making?"
"It is."
Finn gets home a little later and immediately goes to Rachel. Obviously Sam told him about her episode earlier. His eyes take in every detail of her and he pulls her into his arms, releasing a breath as he does. She rubs his back, feeling bad that he spent all day worried but had to stay at work, then stay late for a meeting.
"I'm okay. It's over."
"And now?"
"I'm tired but hungry."
"Then let's eat. Dinner is ready."
The four have an enjoyable dinner together and listen to Finn recount the first day of school.
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Santana is in her kitchen pouring drinks. It's her turn to hang out with Rachel during the day. Not hang out. It's what they call it, but they all know what it really is; monitor. Take care of. They're happy to help out, but upset that it's necessary. She has work to do, but it's stuff she can do from home. She picks up the two glasses and heads into the living room. She pauses briefly, taking in how pale Rachel is. The smaller brunette has been sick for almost four months. That's it. And she's already stage two. She's already pale. Thanks to the higher dosage treatment, she's weak and exhausted all the time. Her symptoms have been getting worse. All in just under four months. She's used to it being a slow moving disease. But, since Rachel's body is weakened, it's hitting her harder and progressing faster than ever. It's scaring them.
"When do you get your eggs frozen?" Santana sets the glasses down on the coffee table.
"In two weeks." Rachel grabs a glass.
"It might not be necessary."
"I know. But I feel better having this as a backup."
Santana nods. She debates bringing up what she and Britt talked about recently but decides against it. She'll only bring it up if it becomes necessary and right now it's not. She and her wife have agreed that if Rachel can't have her own biological children for any reason, then they will offer to be a surrogate for her. It'd have to be Santana, since Brittany's job means she'd have to stop working all through the pregnancy. That actually disappointed Britt, who had been excited at the prospect of carrying Rachel's baby for her. It had also led to an interesting discussion on what they want to do for kids. In the future. Not only do neither want kids at the moment, and Santana isn't 100% sure she wants kids at all, but they want (and need) to be able to focus on helping Rachel and the rest of their family get through this illness. After she's in remission again they'll revisit the topic.
Santana takes Rachel to her treatment where they meet up with Puck, who was able to get off work long enough to be with them through it. Unfortunately, not all of their bosses are supportive of them taking time off to care for a family member who is not their spouse or child. But they're making do. It's not ideal, but it's working out. And it's only needed until Rachel goes into remission again. Rachel falls asleep during her treatment, only to wake with a migraine. A bad one. She curls up, covering her eyes and crying, taking in short, gasping breaths. Yero rests his head on her lap. Puck carries her home and lets her sleep it off in her own bed after taking one of the strong pain meds. They block out as much light as possible and make sure she's comfortable before leaving the room. They leave the door partially open so Yero can get in and out and so they can hear her if she cries out or calls for them. Finn comes home from work and cooks dinner for them as thanks. They're not thrilled but not surprised that Rachel sleeps through it. They eat together before heading home.
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Her mom comes for the weekend. She also sends Finn and the others away, saying she wants time alone with her daughter. She'd spoken to Rachel beforehand to make sure she's okay with it first. She is. She thinks it's good for all of them to get a break from caring for her once in a while. Her mom is more than happy to spend time with her for any reason, even if its just to give the others a brief break.
Mother and daughter went out for lunch on Saturday, but other than that they stayed in her apartment all weekend. Her mom hid it well, but Rachel saw the telltale signs that she's worried. She may only be stage two, but her body is handling it so much worse than ever before that she looks (and sometimes acts) worse than stage two. Still, they end up having a fun weekend together, enjoying their short time together. Most of it was spent in the soundproof music room singing. Her mom promises to make this a regular thing. That makes Rachel happy. She misses her mom and enjoys getting to spend time with her.
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Blaine sits beside her at the piano. They're working on original songs, though they keep alternating between his and hers. It's fun but challenging. Blaine loves songwriting and he loves singing with Rachel. He'd love to perform in a show with her one day. Professionally. They talk and joke and laugh while songwriting. Sometimes they cry or snap, too. Especially as they get into more emotional songs. When it becomes too much, they put it away and pull out a lighter, more fun song to work on.
"I don't think the chorus should go here. I think it needs another verse first." Rachel argues.
"We don't have another verse."
"We will once we write one."
"Oh, why didn't I think of that?" He rolls his eyes.
"Stop being a baby. Start from the top and listen for it. It needs another verse."
Blaine sighs but agrees. He puts his hands into position on the keys and begins to play. He has to lean past her slightly at one point to hit the lower registers. As he does, a splash of red on ivory keys catches his attention. His eyes snap up to Rachel, who is holding her nose.
"Damn."
He gets her a tissue. Then he gets her a towel. Then he debates calling an ambulance. She talks him out of it but does agree to getting a taxi to the hospital. Blaine calls down to the lobby and asks them to snag a taxi so he can take Rachel to the hospital. Said like that, he knows there'll be one waiting. Rachel leans on him on the elevator ride down, blood dripping down her arm as she holds a towel to her nose. She drops blood on the floor while walking to the front door.
"Sorry, Angie." She calls to the lady at the front desk.
Angie waves off her apology. "Don't worry, Mrs. Hudson. I'll get a mop and take care of it."
George has a taxi waiting for them. Yero jumps in first. Blaine texts Finn on the way in. He's half-carrying her by the time they get to the emergency room. He can tell from the way she's walking that she's dizzy. As expected, they get her back fairly quickly and start a blood transfusion.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Her numbers dropped. Dr. McCann tells them it's time to begin the bone marrow transplant. Rachel's appointment to freeze her eggs is the following week. Dr. McCann doesn't really want to delay because she has to stop her treatments for two weeks prior to starting chemo, but agrees to begin the process right after.
Rachel had no idea just how much her treatments were helping her until they stopped them. Her numbers dropped drastically after the first week of no treatment and she felt weaker every day. For a slow moving illness, it sure is killing her quickly without treatment. Dr. McCann reminds her that this is what they mean when they say it's fatal without treatment. And since this is her third time facing it, cracked foundation and all, it's hitting her harder. As hesitant as he is, he decides she absolutely needs something else or she won't survive the prep for the transplant. He has her go for a blood transfusion. No medication, just blood. It helped. Not drastically, but enough that they'll keep doing that once a week.
By the time of her appointment to freeze her eggs she's nearing stage three. Not receiving medication is causing her condition to deteriorate at an unprecedented rate. Dr. McCann is clear; no more delays.
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Finn takes off work to go with her to get her eggs frozen. They're in a taxi on the way to her appointment when her nerves start getting the better of her. Her fingers are twisting the material of her shirt around nervously.
"This is just a precaution." Finn reminds her quietly.
"I know. And it's worth the money."
He nods. It's ridiculous how much it costs to freeze your own eggs. But they felt it necessary so they're going to pull from their savings to do this. Just in case. Also, Rachel won't say it, but she had another thought. She's not sure if its a good one or a horrible one, which is why she's staying silent for now. But it occurred to her that if her eggs are frozen and she dies, Finn can have his sperm mixed with the eggs and hire a surrogate to carry the child to term. Then, if he wants, while he'd have lost her, he can have a piece of her always in the form of their biological child. Again, she's not sure if it's a fabulous, sweet, comforting idea, or if it'd be horrible and too hard on him. So she says nothing.
"We'll do this, then start the bone—"
Yero suddenly barks and bumps into Rachel's chest. "Shit."
Finn wraps his arms around her. "Hey, driver? Can you take us back?"
"We're almost to your destination."
"I know, but now we need to go—"
Rachel sucks in a breath and her hands fly to her chest. Finn holds her tighter.
"What's going on?!" The driver demands.
"She's having an attack. That's why we need to go home. Take us back, please."
Rachel moans and struggles to take in a breath.
"No, she needs hospital! I'm taking you to hospital!"
"No!" Finn argues. "She's my wife! I know what she needs. She needs to go home."
"No, she needs—"
Rachel drowns out the rest of their argument and focuses on breathing. It's hard to do. The car feels like its sliding around even though she knows it's not. She grips Finn's arm and does her best to cut off a cry of pain before it can escape. The needles drive into her chest relentlessly. Colors flash before her eyes and sounds become muffled. That usually indicates that she's about to pass out.
"—eathe, just breathe. Take a breath."
Finn is talking firmly and steadily to her, trying to help her focus. She struggles to focus on him. She takes in a thin, ragged breath. And then another. The pain slowly fades and she curls into her husband. Finn slips a nasal cannula on and turn on the portable oxygen tank. He wraps one arm around her torso, pulling her against him, then his other arm goes around her head, holding it steady against his shoulder. She can't keep her eyes open but does her best to stay conscious. A couple minutes later she feels the car come to a stop.
"Thank you."
She listens as Finn pays. Then he lifts her and gets out of the car. She hears Finn be greeted at their apartment and is relieved the driver finally agreed to take them home. She keeps her eyes closed until they're home and the door is shut.
"Hey, you're awake?"
"Yeah."
"How're you feeling?"
"Tired."
"Bed or couch?"
"Recliner?"
"You've got it."
He sets her down and covers her with a blanket. Yero jumps up and snuggles with her.
"You'll call—"
"I'll do it now."
He comes back a few minutes later and shakes her shoulder. She opens her eyes. "Hm?"
"They were able to reschedule you."
She doesn't like the look on his face. "But?"
"But it's weeks away."
"So?"
"So? Rachel, you're supposed to start preparing for the bone marrow transplant in a few days. This is gonna push that back."
"It's okay."
"And if its not?"
Her eyes are drooping. "It will be."
"Rachel. I know how badly you want us to have kids one day. But I'm not willing to risk your health."
"Please." She's too tired to argue more. She's barely able to stay awake as it is. Finn runs a hand through his hair in agitation. She feels bad for upsetting him, but she feels very strongly about this.
"Sleep. We'll talk later."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
They talk later. They argue. They both want the same thing, but Rachel is willing to take more of a risk with her health than Finn is. They compromise. Rachel agrees to keep the scheduled start of her transplant prep for a week from now under the condition that she be allowed to try to find a different place to get her eggs frozen at before then. They get added to a waitlist for sooner appointments at the current office they selected. She also begins calling other offices to see if she can get an earlier appointment somewhere else. As the days creep along, so does Rachel's desperation. She finally caves in and calls back the first place where she's on a waitlist and tells them her sob story. Third diagnosis. Dream of starting a family soon. Bone marrow transplant prep crushing odds of that happening. Already gave up Broadway. Doesn't want to give up another dream. They agree to push her up the waitlist. It doesn't matter. It's too late. She needs to start the prep for the bone marrow transplant. Days before her change in treatment, Finn held her and let her cry in his arms. He reminds her that just because the chemo might cause infertility doesn't mean it definitely will. He also reminds her that they can adopt.
"Babe, you more than anyone know that blood doesn't make family. Think of you and your father. Think of Dad. Think of Kurt. Think of our New York family. Just because we might have to adopt doesn't mean they won't be our kids."
"I know that. And if that's our only option, that's what we'll do. We'll be a family and we'll love them and we'll be happy. We'll make it happen. I just really wanted to get pregnant with your child and watch a kid that's a mix of the two of us grow up."
"Me, too." He admits. "And we might still get it. It's just an if, babe. It might cause infertility, but it might not."
"It's not fair! We were so close!" She cries, her face buried in his chest. "It's not fair!"
He rubs her back. "No, it's not. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Feeling like she's burying a dream, a dream she nearly had in her grasp, Rachel weeps bitter tears.
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Two weeks of not getting medication and no treatment outside of a blood transfusion has allowed the illness to wreak havoc on her body. Everyone is startled by how fast she's deteriorating. Startled and scared. They've been spending more time with her in the past two weeks. Word spread. Her parents have been keeping their distance lately, both to limit her exposure to new germs and to respect that they are adults who can handle this without them hovering. However, now that Finn and the others are making it clear how much worse she's getting, they ask to come visit. Finn suggested they come before she begins chemo. Not only will Rachel want less visitors once her hair starts falling out, but her already abysmal immune system will be completely gone. The less visitors she has the better. As it is, her NY family has been doing everything in their power to stay healthy so that they can keep visiting and helping out. They're starting to take further steps to keep it that way. Once she begins chemo they'll wear medical masks when out in public, carry around hand sanitizer, check their temperatures daily, and increase their immune systems with assistance from supplements.
To limit how many people are around her at one time, Finn requested that their parents come separately. The Hummel's come first. They stay for two days. Rachel spends much of those two days curled into her dad. She spends time with her mother-in-law while her dad takes Finn out for a drink the first night.
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Carole and Rachel flip through photo albums detailing Finn's childhood. Carole had been hesitant, knowing how sensitive this issue is at the moment for both Rachel and Finn. But when her daughter-in-law's eyes lit up upon seeing the albums, Carole knew she was right to bring them. The women laugh and coo over the pictures of young Finn. Rachel listens to every story eagerly. After, Carole takes her hand.
"I know it's hard not knowing what's going to happen. But no matter what, you have our support."
"I know. We both know. I just hope I go into remission soon and can still have kids afterwards."
"Even if you can't and have to adopt, we will see them as our grandchild. Well, grandchildren, I hope."
Rachel chuckles, though her eyes are sad. "Yeah. I'd like more than one child."
"And we look forward to spoiling them, no matter how they come to join our family."
"Thanks, Mom."
"And if you decide not to have kids or adopt at all, we'll support that too. You will always have our love and support. You need to do what's best for you."
Rachel hugs her tight.
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Burt sits across from Finn in a corner booth of the bar. He looks at his stepson and debates how to start this conversation. Finn has been doing a great job, but he still feels it necessary to have this discussion.
"I'm proud of you." He starts. Finn's eyebrows go up in confusion. "You're doing a great job balancing work, taking care of Rachel, and still making time to relax and have fun. It's hard to balance, but you're doing it and you're doing it well."
"Thanks. They're all helping. Rachel, too."
Burt chuckles. "That doesn't surprise me. We all love you and want the best for you, but her most of all. Of course she'd help you deal with this."
"Yeah, she's kicked me out a few times to blow off steam with the guys." He says with a grin. "And she goes to stay with the brothers or someone else, or invites them over so she's not alone."
"By all accounts, you're both handling this really well. We're impressed. But it's about to get harder. Finn, I know what it's like to take care of your very sick wife."
Finn's expression changes. He sees where this is going. "Yeah."
"She starts chemo soon. She's gonna lose her hair. I know she's been making jokes about it, but when it actually starts happening, she's probably going to break down. It happened to Mary. She insisted it wouldn't be a big deal…..until it happened. Then she was crying and miserable."
"How'd you help her deal with it?" Finn asks lowly, his fingers picking at the label on his beer bottle.
Burt is glad Finn isn't brushing him off and insisting he can figure it out himself. "I let her cry. I told her she was still beautiful to me. I'd kiss her bald head. I learned how to wrap scarves on her head. I didn't make a big deal out of it. It wasn't perfect, but it seemed to help. You know Rachel better than anyone else. You'll know how to help her through it. The main thing I know is to not make a big deal out of it."
"Yeah. That'd just make her feel worse."
"But losing hair, while upsetting, is minor compared to dealing with the rest."
Finn nods seriously. For the next two hours, father and son discuss how to handle taking care of a seriously ill wife. Burt tells stories of what it was like helping Mary. He shares what went well and what didn't. He admits to mistakes and poor choices. He focuses on the good moments. Mostly, he makes it clear that Finn is allowed to reach out to him to discuss this more at any time.
"I get it. I've been there. I can help you. You don't have to do this yourself. Don't try to."
"I won't. Thanks, Dad."
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Carole and Finn go out the next day for a little mother-son time. That gives Burt and Rachel some father-daughter time. They talk and enjoy one another's company for awhile before discussing her current health. Rachel tells him how even though she's only stage two (though close to stage three), she's been feeling so much worse than that. She often feels more like she did when she was stage four.
"It's really throwing me off." She admits.
He nods slowly. "I know. Kurt said the same thing. It's throwing all of you off. I get it. I understand why it's scaring you. But you are still stage two. You are not currently in danger of dying."
"No, I know I'm not. And I try to focus on that. I'm still stage two. But I'm so tired all the time. Dr. McCann told me at first that my odds were 30% but that they'd drop if my numbers dropped. Well, now I'm near stage three. I'm sure my odds are less than 30% now."
"You'll be fine. You'll get through this."
Tears spring to her eyes. "And if I don't?" She quickly wipes away the tears. "Sorry. I was doing well about not falling apart, but with starting chemo soon….."
"Rachel, I've watched you grow from a tiny little hyper girl, into a frail and suffering teenager wracked with pain, then into a beautiful, healthy young woman full of energy and an unquenchable zest for life. Princess, I've watched you face everything life could possibly throw at you. Everything; abuse, neglect, bullying, illness, and even death. No one, no mentally and emotionally healthy person can face all of that without falling apart. But what set you apart was how you'd fall apart, let us catch you and comfort you, then you'd stand back up, lift your head, smile, and get right back to living. Even when things were rough and uncertain, you didn't stop fighting, you didn't stop actually living your life. That is what makes you strong. And that is why I know you will survive this time as well."
She falls into him and lets the tears come, knowing she's safe in her dad's arms.
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Next is her side. Her mom will be staying longer, to be with her for her first chemo treatment. Rachel is glad. Her mom has always been with her, supporting her, through each new challenge in her life. She's relieved this time will be no different. Of course, there are down sides to having parents around frequently when you're an adult.
Finn presses her more firmly against the shower wall. The warm shower sprays down on them. She feels the amazing build, but they both freeze when they hear the doorbell.
"Shit." Finn mutters. "They're early."
He starts to set her down, but she grabs him, tightening her legs around his waist and pulling him in deeper.
"Wait! Don't stop." She pants. "I'm so close."
Her hand moves to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Rachel isn't sure if it's her words, actions, or tone that he reacts to, but it's immediate. His pupils dilate and he immediately resumes thrusting. It's not long before they both reach their point of no return. When they finish, Finn drops his head onto her shoulder. She cradles his head, kissing his temple, still panting. They both settle down, grinning and cleaning each other off. Their normal post-shower-sex routine is rushed as they quickly dry off and dress. Finn kisses her a final time and pushes her out the bathroom door while he stays to shave real quick. She hurries out, but already knows what she'll find. Her mom and stepfather sit on the couch, sipping water.
"I'm so glad you two made yourselves at home." Rachel says, only mildly sarcastic. She's still bitter about her fun being cut short. She and Finn have been coping with the upcoming chemo and transplant with increased intimacy. When she doesn't feel up to anything major, that intimacy is just being curled up together.
Her mom smiles and stands. "Hi, honey. Sorry for just entering, but there was no answer. When we came in we heard the shower running."
Rachel shakes her head while hugging her, relieved they didn't hear anything else. "It's alright."
She hugs Scott next. "If you were in the shower, where is Finn?"
Finn enters at that moment, hair soaking wet. Their parents eyes widen with understanding. "Oh."
Rachel rolls her eyes. "C'mon, Mom. We're married. It's allowed."
"I know, honey. Sorry." She hugs Finn and Scott shakes his hand.
"It wouldn't have even been an issue if you hadn't been so early." She doesn't feel up to sex as often these days, so when she does she wants to take full advantage of it.
"We're only a few minutes early!"
"Well if you had come a little later, I could have….come a little later! We wouldn't have had to cut our….shower….short."
Scott chokes on his water. Her mother's jaw drops. Her husband whips around to look at her wide-eyed.
"Rachel!" Her mom scolds.
"I'm a married woman, leave me alone! Besides, if I hadn't gotten sick we'd either already be trying for kids. How exactly did you think that would happen?"
"Can we change the subject?" Finn asks desperately, his eye twitching.
"Yes, please!" Scott is nodding along. "How about that game last night, Finn?"
Rachel scoffs, but lets the men change the subject. Instead, she sits on the couch with her mom and strikes up a conversation about how Vocal Adrenaline is doing.
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