Chapter 10
Her numbers are going up. Slowly, but it's happening. Dr. McCann promises them that as soon as she's securely in stage two, they'll do the transplant. Until then, all she can do is focus on getting her regular AA treatments, resting, writing her own songs, and spending time with loved ones. With a little more energy than she's had lately, she spends less time sleeping and more time hanging out with whoever is staying with her that day. She and whoever's with her talk, play video games, play card or board games, watch tv or movies, bake, play the piano, sing, do their nails, or whatever comes to mind. One time, she and Brittany built the biggest house of cards they've ever made and laughed until they cried when Yero knocked it down before they could get a picture of it. Rachel is relieved to have the energy to do more than just sleep her days away.
She's positive she'll get better and go back into remission. She is. Completely. But. She can't deny that her body is weaker than ever and not exactly handling this battle as well as the first two times. Her thirty percent odds of surviving dropped, even if Dr. McCann won't tell her by how much. No matter what, the odds are against her. There's a greater chance than ever that she will die this time. And she knows it. They all do. They all smile and talk about how she'll get better soon and how she'll survive it and they all agree on that. But behind their smiles is the spark of fear in their eyes. Her loved ones spend as much time with her as they can, even if it's on the phone and not in person. Rachel makes sure to smile and sing and act positive and calm for them. She makes sure they know she loves them and loves spending time with them. Because God forbid she dies, she doesn't want their final memories of her to be sad and angry. If she dies, she wants them to look back on their funny conversations that had them laughing until they were crying. She wants them to remember snuggling on the couch and giggling while hiding under blankets from the scary movies they were watching. She wants them to remember the prank war between her and Noah. She wants them to remember the brownies and cookies they made "just because". She wants them to remember the good times. She wants them to remember her smile and laughter and singing and love of life. Most of all, she wants them to be able to look back on memories with her with a smile and know that she loved them. Which is why she's putting any energy she has into creating simple but loving memories with each of them.
Just in case.
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"A little more to the left."
Finn grabs the base of the Christmas tree and drags it to the left. He turns to Rachel expectantly and she tilts her head, examining it.
"Nah, now to the right a smidge."
Biting back a groan, he moves it to the right. "Now it's good?"
"I don't know." She says doubtfully. "Maybe bring it forward a bit?"
He releases an irritated breath and diligently moves the tree at her direction. "It looks great!" He announces with barely a glance at it.
"Almost. Push it back a bit now."
Finn almost turns to do it. Almost. Before he can, he catches a twitch at the corner of her mouth. He freezes and narrows his eyes at her. Rachel rolls her lips inward and gives him an innocent look. He's not buying it.
"Rachel." He growls.
"What?" His sweet angel with big brown eyes blinking up at him. Then she cracks, her lips twitching into a devious smile.
"Rachel!" She bursts out laughing. "How long was I moving this stupid tree when it was fine where it was?!"
"Four minutes. I was going for five." She admits with a smirk.
"So it was really fine where I first had it?" He asks incredulously.
"Yup." She pops the p.
He dives at her. She squeals and tries to squirm away from his tickles. He only stops when she becomes breathless. She curls into him, a smile on her lips.
"Sorry. I thought it was funny."
He shrugs lightly. "I'll find it funny after we're done decorating it and it looks good. But I don't wanna hear a word about what ornaments should go where." He warns her.
She chuckles. "Fine."
For the next two hours, they take their time decorating their tree. They sip hot cocoa, listen to Christmas songs and sing along when they feel like it. At long last, he has her climb onto his shoulders so she can put the star on top. It amuses Finn to see little dreidels and mini menorah's and stars of David hanging off his Christmas tree. But he loves it. He plugs in the tree so it's lit up. Husband and wife sit back and admire their work. Happy, they smile at one another, clink mugs in victory, and share a kiss.
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The holiday benefit is coming up. Jesse did a fantastic job setting it up. He didn't do it alone, but it was his idea. He had help from basically everyone in Broadway that has ever worked with Rachel. They all wanted to help in some way. They rented out the largest theater on Broadway for one evening. They got advertisements out to the public. Tickets went on sale and started selling out faster than expected. However, she did agree for her mom and dad (Burt) to bring Oliver and Dylan. So those four will be present. While all of her family wanted to go, Rachel also wanted to let the seats be open for people who have never heard of AA before. While they didn't manage to get permission for it to be televised on such short notice, they did decide to go ahead and record it professionally. Then anyone who wants to buy a copy (after production), majority of the cost will go towards a cure. They're aware that most of the people buying tickets are more interested in hearing Broadway stars sing holiday songs at an exclusive event. Still, since the money from the tickets is going towards a cure, Rachel doesn't mind. Ollie called her up and told her that one of the Broadway forums is lit up with well wishes for her along with hopes that she'll be at the benefit. She hopes she can go as well.
Jesse told her that he had his agent reach out to April Rhodes' agent to see if she'd be willing to sing at the benefit. The moment she heard about it, April not only agreed to sing but asked to be allowed to help host it. She herself reached out to other Broadway stars to get them to come sing. The result is a packed, all-star line up. Rachel was touched by this.
Rachel, Kurt, Blaine, and Finn have gone to the theater to meet up with Jesse and Ashely several times. The six of them will be singing a song together and have been rehearsing it whenever their schedules align (and Rachel feels up to it). Finn had been nervous about singing with professionals and tried to back out, but Rachel (with the help of their brothers) convinced him to sing with them. Frankly, all it really took was Rachel saying "I want to sing with my husband on stage."
He melted and quickly agreed after that.
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Finn watches his wife. She's bundled up in sweatpants, sweatshirt, a warm beanie, and wrapped in a fleece blanket so that she can sit on their balcony. She likes the fresh air. Well…..as fresh as city air gets, anyway. She won't be able to stay out there long. She doesn't tolerate cold very well these days. Yero is with her, his upper half resting on her lap. Finn stays inside to give her a few minutes alone. While she likes having people around her, he also knows she appreciates having some time to herself. It's easy enough to accommodate like this. He stays inside on the couch and watches her through their sliding glass door. She's alone but not really.
She's resting her chin on her left hand and petting Yero's head with the right. Her eyes stare off at the horizon, her gaze distant. Lost in thought. Knowing what she's thinking about, Finn swallows hard and looks away. She had an appointment with Dr. McCann earlier today. Her numbers stopped moving. They're not dropping but they're no longer climbing, either. They're back to the higher dosage treatments. The hope is that her numbers will go up quickly and she'll get the transplant and go back into remission. While Dr. McCann agreed with all of this, he did cautiously point out that it is a "best case scenario" and not necessarily what will definitely happen. He wants them to be hopeful. She could very well survive this. However, he doesn't want them to toss aside their caution. They need to prepared for this to not go how they'd like.
"Stay positive, but keep reality in sight." He'd said.
The fact of the matter is, with Rachel as weak as she is, the doctor said that if her numbers drop again or if they don't go up any more, then it is unlikely she will survive this time. Not impossible, just unlikely. It's very possible that she will survive and it is what they're striving for. It's what everything they're doing is working towards. Remission. Unfortunately, Rachel's body isn't as strong as her spirit. Dr. McCann still won't tell them her current odds, but confirmed that they're less than thirty percent. Finn gets the sinking feeling that if they knew the odds, it'd crush them and their spirits and that's why the doctor won't tell them. His wife is dying. She may not live long enough to get the transplant. Even if she does, she may not survive the transplant. Or the transplant may not work. Dr. McCann wants them to be aware of the possibility for, and be prepared for, any outcome. No matter how likely or unlikely. He swore to them that as long as there's still a chance, they will not give up on her going into remission.
Finn heard all of this and he understands all of this but doesn't believe any of it. Dr. McCann knows aplastic anemia but he doesn't know Rachel. Not the way Finn does. She is stubborn to a fault. She is strong and brave. She doesn't give up. She feels things very deeply. And she very desperately wants to live. She wants to give him children. She stops at nothing to achieve her dreams. Even if she wasn't fighting for herself and her future, she's made it clear she'd fight this for them; for everyone who loves her. And there are a lot of people who love her. She'll put herself through hell to stay with them. Again. All of this combined is how Finn knows his wife will survive. She won't leave him a widower at twenty-four.
He runs a hand through his hair, then down his face. He's been growing a bit of a beard and wonders if he should shave it off. But Rachel has seemed to like it, so it'll stay until she asks him to shave it off. He looks back at her and sees her wiping away a tear. Deciding she's been out there alone long enough, he gets up. He pulls back the sliding glass door and instantly tenses up and shivers at the cold breeze that hits his exposed skin.
"Babe. C'mon in."
She's slow in turning towards him. She blinks slowly before her eyes meet his. He watches the deep despair in her gaze transform into a firm resolve and feels vindicated. That right there is all the proof that he needs that his wife will keep fighting and will survive this. She's not giving up. She never gives up. The corners of his lips tug upwards into a smile. Slowly, her lips do the same.
Screw what the doctors say. Screw what reality says is most likely. She'll be fine.
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Even if Rachel isn't well enough to go to the benefit herself, her parents and cousins want to go. She assured them she'd be fine with them going even if she doesn't. They come up the day before the benefit. The boys are staying in Kurt and Blaine's spare bedroom while the parents stay in Finn and Rachel's. When they arrive, they go straight to the Hudson's apartment. Finn lets them in and greets them warmly. Ollie and Dylan do their best to control it, but their eyes widen when they see Rachel in person for the first time in months. Pictures (and her tv show appearance) aren't the same. Seeing her now is clearly hard for them. Dylan looks down and swallows hard. Ollie's eyes jump between hers, the fear in them filling her with sadness. Rachel pushes it away and smiles warmly.
"Get over here."
She stands and pulls Oliver into a hug. He leans into her, this time hugging her gently. She kisses his head before moving on to Dylan. He's taller than her now.
"You're gonna be a giant, aren't you." She grumbles with a smile.
He grins, but it's forced. He hugs her gently and kisses her cheek. Oliver digs into his bag and pulls something out.
"This is from Grandpa." He says, handing it to her.
It's a Buckeyes beanie. She laughs. "I'd be beaten up if I wore that here!"
"Nana knitted this one for you. She sewed in a fleece lining so you'd be warm." He hands her another. It's green with a black witch's hat on the front and green and pink weaved through it.
Rachel smiles widely. "I love it. I'll wear it later and you can take a picture to send her, okay?"
Thankfully, the boys get used to her new appearance quickly and conversation flows easily between them.
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The winter benefit was sold out in advance, despite the fact that it was announced and advertised on a fairly short notice. In fact, they had so many people trying to get tickets after it was sold out that they ended up being able to extend it to a second night. Two nights of holiday songs sung by Broadway stars in an attempt to raise money for Aplastic Anemia. Rachel is thrilled and relieved that she feels good the first day of and can go. They promised her that she can sing as much or as little as she wants. Mostly she's just glad she can go. At the theater, she is introduced to the performers she hasn't met yet (some of them big name performers with Tonys of their own). She happily greets those she has worked with on Funny Girl and Wicked. April hugs her warmly.
"I'm so sorry about your relapse. But I know you well enough to know you'll get through it, darlin'." April says confidently.
"Thank you."
April and Jesse open it, thanking everyone for coming and explaining what it's for in more detail. Then they invite Rachel out. There are cheers and applause. She smiles and waves, then hugs April and Jesse.
"I know both April and Jesse thanked you all for coming already, but I feel the need to as well. I know most of you are probably here just to hear these amazing singers." She grins. There are chuckles from the audience. "But since the money from your tickets is going towards a cure, thank you for coming. And thank you for anything more you donate. I truly appreciate it and I know everyone else in the world who has aplastic anemia is grateful as well."
She then takes a moment to introduce Yero as her service dog. The three of them sing "Joy to the World" to open up the show. Despite only doing one rehearsal on that number before the show started, they sound wonderful together. Then Rachel heads back stage to rest before her next song. The performers are all Broadway singers, but they were also happy to allow Rachel's friends to join in (after Jesse confirmed that they can all sing really well). Rachel even convinced them to let her mom sing. Jesse backed her up there as well. Before her first solo number, Rachel is asked to speak to the audience. They'd like an update on her health. Considering the fact that their money is going towards a cure for her, she figures it's only fair. She settles onto a stool and addresses her audience.
"I am still stage three. Unfortunately, my numbers stopped going up. They've increased the dosage of my treatments, which makes them harder to handle, but it will hopefully start pushing my numbers up. Once I'm firmly back in stage two I will go back to chemotherapy, then get the bone marrow transplant. For now, I'm getting the higher dosage aplastic anemia treatments. Despite the fact that my numbers aren't dropping, my doctor has already given me a warning. My body is weaker than it has ever been and not handling this third battle very well. Considering the fact that my numbers aren't climbing at the moment, compared to how quickly they dropped before, he is wary. At my last appointment, he told me to have hope, but to prepare for any possible outcome. He said that, at the moment, unless something changes soon, I might not survive this time around."
She pauses, letting them digest this. There are murmurs and shifting from the audience.
"Might. It's funny, you don't think of 'might' as being a strong word. Until times like this, at least. It means 'possibly'. But it doesn't mean definitely. I will definitely not give up." She stops talking when they clap for that. "'Might' can also mean strength. So that's the meaning I'm taking from this. I will use all my 'might' to keep fighting this. They told me I might not survive this time. But I've heard that before and I'm still here. I don't care what they say. I'm going to fight and I'm going to live. But I need your help to do it. I need a cure. That's the only thing that will guarantee my survival. Please, donate what you can. And remember, it's not just for me. It's for every person who currently has aplastic anemia and every person who may one day get it. It's helping save all of us. So for whatever you're willing to donate, thank you."
When the applause dies down, she sings an upbeat song "Christmas in New York". She leaves the stage to take a break and other big name stars come out and take turns singing Christmas songs. When she comes back out, she introduces the original New Directions.
"There are a lot of people on stage with me right now." Rachel says with a smile. "These aren't just fellow singers. Or just friends. This is my chosen family. These people aren't related to me and yet they are my family. They always have been. You see, we all went to high school together. We were in the glee club together. These are the original members of the New Directions."
On the dark curtain behind them, there had been a projection of decorated Christmas trees and falling snow. Now, it is a picture of the New Directions from when they were in high school. The group quickly moves to stand (or roll, in Artie's case) to be in the same positions as they are in the photo, making the audience chuckle.
"Even though that was almost ten years ago, we are still very close. They are my family in all the ways that count. They've always been there for me. And now, we will do what we do best. Sing."
The group sings "Do They Know It's Christmas?" To great applause. They bow before leaving the stage together. Tiring, she takes a longer break. While everyone else has to share dressing rooms to accommodate all the singers who showed up, Rachel was given a private dressing room so she could rest in peace. When she feels up to visitors, she opens the dressing room door. People come in to say hi or introduce themselves if they've never met. She shook hands and thanked all of them. When she needs quiet, she shuts the door and they leave her be. She's glad she brought ibuprofen; her head is starting to hurt. By the time her next song rolled around, she wasn't feeling up to it. She passed it off to someone else, asking for a little more time to rest, which they quickly agreed to. It was more important to her to sing the song with her mom.
"I'd like to introduce the best mother in the world, my mom." She points to her mother standing next to her. The audience laughs and claps. "She started out wanting to be on Broadway, left because she got sick right before her big break, and moved back to Ohio to recover. Then she decided to stay in Ohio to be closer to me. She became a vocal coach and English teacher. She has coached her glee club to nationals many times. And, of course, she has given me as many vocal lessons as I wanted and has supported me in my road to Broadway." More applause. "And that's not even touching on her supporting me through my health battles. So now, it is my honor to sing with my mom on a Broadway stage."
Her mom, with glittering eyes, hugs her tight. They separate. "The honor is all mine, I assure you. Rachel and I discussed what song to sing and decided to keep it upbeat and playful, rather than emotional. Otherwise I'd fall apart."
They sing "A Hand for Mrs. Clause". They have fun with it and so does the audience. They bow before leaving the stage. Rachel enjoys listening to the other singers sing their songs as well. Unfortunately, she gets dizzy and nearly passes out backstage. She's grateful it didn't happen on stage. But it means she's done for the night. Grudgingly, she lets Finn take her home.
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Jesse addresses the audience. "Unfortunately, our plan for the final number has changed. It was supposed to be Rachel singing her iconic 'O Holy Night'. The way she sings it is absolutely amazing and always a treat to hear. However, she wasn't feeling well and had to go home to rest. To be honest, she lasted longer than we thought she would. I mean, she is stage three and she still managed to sing several songs. Instead, all the stars from today, minus Rachel and her crew, will sing the song together."
And they do. The sound of nearly a dozen Broadway stars singing it together is amazing. Jesse can't help but think it'd have been better either with Rachel or just hearing her solo version. But at least they ended on a strong note. More importantly, he sees how much money they raised and is thrilled. They raised more than their goal. His plan worked. Hopefully the cure can be made faster now. Deep in his heart, he knows it still won't be fast enough to save Rachel. Not this time, at least. But if she can go into remission, then maybe the cure can come out not long after. Then she'll never have to go through this again. That's all he wants for her.
Jesse used to think he was the best singer in Ohio and had the biggest chance of making it big on stage. He was arrogant and self-centered. Then he heard Rachel sing and was forced to acknowledge that he wasn't the only great singer in Ohio. He realized she could make it on the big stage as well. Then, even from a distance, watching her struggle with AA and seeing her bravery and strength, he learned what matters more. It also made him realize that you never know what battles people are facing. That helped him start treating other people better and he knows he has her and his friendship with her to thank for it. He's positive he'd still be an arrogant jerk if he hadn't met her.
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Rachel had a moderate attack during the night. It startled her and Finn awake. Hearing it, her parents woke and came running into the room to help. She fell back asleep immediately after, with a nasal cannula on to provide extra oxygen. She slept through the morning but by afternoon insisted she felt well enough to go to the final night of the winter benefit. She's really glad it worked out that it's two nights so she has another chance to sing. She misses singing more often. And, she'll admit to herself, she misses singing on stage in front of an audience and getting applause. Though her family was nervous, they didn't fight her or argue and let her go. Once again, April and Jesse open the benefit before bringing Rachel herself out on stage. Jesse addresses the audience.
"Rachel was supposed to sing 'O Holy Night' last night as our closing number. Unfortunately, she didn't feel well and had to leave early. We all sang it instead and yes, it sounded amazing and was a lot of fun. However, my favorite version of the song is still Rachel singing it herself."
"Aaww, thanks Jesse." She kisses his cheek.
"And I've never heard it live!" April announces with overdramatic disappointment, casing chuckles. "So thankfully, she's back tonight and has agreed to open the show with that number."
"I will sing it as a solo, but with backup. And my backup will be my chosen family. I met all of these wonderful amazing people about ten years ago, when we were in high school. We were all in the glee club together. These are the original members of the New Directions. We won nationals twice." Her team comes out behind her and takes their places. "Yes, they are friends. More than that, they are family to me. All of them. My chosen family." They smile back at her and some (like Tina and Quinn) blow her kisses. "I am related to some of them now. I realized how I phrased it last night made it sound like I'm not related to any of them and that's not true. There's my brother," Kurt waves, "his husband who is my brother-In-law," Blaine waves, "and of course my incredible husband." Finn waves.
Rachel sings "O Holy Night" with the original New Directions backing her up. Wanting to open with an amazing number, she puts her all into it. Personally, she thinks its her best yet. She gets a standing ovation and catches tear stains on her mother's cheeks in the audience.
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Pulling from what he knows about the June benefit every year, Jesse decided to have a section where the audience could vote on songs they want to hear, using their phones and scanning a QR code projected on the curtain. Rachel and the original New Directions go out on stage, where Rachel introduces them to this new audience. Then they wait to see what group song the audience will vote for them to sing. When the song name pops up, they burst out laughing and turn to look at Rachel. She sighs and glares at the words being displayed. Kurt, giggling, addresses the audience.
"She hates this song!" He wheezes out between laughs.
"It's annoying!" She say, not caring that she's whining. "It's one of the only Christmas songs I don't like."
"We know." The others chorus in amusement.
"You did manage to get out of singing it last year." Blaine points out. "You can't back out two years in a row. And it's what they voted for."
The audience chuckles while Rachel groans. "Fine. I'll sing it, but you owe me."
"I owe you?" Blaine laughs.
"This is equivalent to psychological torture for me!" She grins.
Blaine argues while laughing. "It's a Christmas song, not torture!" Rachel mutters something that isn't picked up by the microphones. It makes Blaine laugh even harder. "I don't think being forced to sing this song is covered by the Geneva Convention."
The audience roars. Rachel gives him a light shrug. "Not the song. What I'm going to do to you."
That has everyone laughing even harder than before. She grins to take the sting out of her words and make it clear that while she's not happy about it, she's not actually as upset as she's acting.
"It's just 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'." Kurt announces. "Little Miss Drama Queen can just deal with it."
"You always call me a drama queen when this song comes up!"
"Because you always turn into a drama queen when this song comes up!" The audience is eating up their banter. "Now, are you going to sing the real lyrics or change them again?" He asks, referring to her habit of changing the lyrics to reflect her annoyance at either the song or even just life in general ("Four vomit bags, three pain pills, two dizzy spells, and a chest port for my IVs").
Rachel flushes slightly and rolls her eyes. "I'll sing the real lyrics. Under duress."
The others shake their heads in amusement. The music starts. Together, the group sings the song, though Rachel only puts in minimal effort. She makes it a mini skit, making it a funny act to sing the song well, but with obvious mediocre enthusiasm (such as picking at her nails while singing and singing an entire line in one long sigh). It amuses the audience as well as her family. The music ends and she throws up her hands.
"Thank you!"
She walks off stage to the laughter of the audience, her family following close behind. The ibuprofen is helping, but the headache is still there. And she's very tired. She sits out for yet another song she was supposed to be in. She started falling asleep back stage. Finn offers to take her home but she balked at that. Seeing the look on his face and knowing an argument is brewing, she attempts to soothe him.
"I'm tired. But I'm always tired; especially after an attack."
"And you've already sung several songs. We can go, Rachel. No one will hold it against you. They'd understand."
"I've already turned down several songs so I could rest last night. I have a few more I'm supposed to sing tonight. Ones I really want to sing. I'm reserving my energy for those. Then we can go home."
He's reluctant. That much is obvious. But thankfully he backs down and nods. The show continues. Rachel listens when she can, but knows they'll be buying a copy of it to watch at home, so it's okay if she misses songs now. The next song she sings is a group number. It's the one she's been rehearsing with the others. Rachel, Jesse, Ashely, Finn, Blaine, and Kurt sing "I Saw Three Ships" in a cappella with the rest of the original New Directions backing them up. It's one of the biggest hits of the night. It was also a lot of fun to sing. Rachel takes a longer break after that. She sips tea and leans into her husband, focusing on relaxing but not falling asleep. She tries not to think about all the songs she's skipping; especially ones she was going to sing with other Broadway stars. That would have been fun. She reminds herself she's saving up for the ones that truly matter to her. Like this next one.
"This next song," She tells the audience, "is one I started writing back in high school. It's a holiday song, meant to be sung this time of year. I didn't finish it in time for the holidays when I was writing it. I put it aside for years. Then, over the past few months, I had Blaine help me finish it. Through everything I've been through, my family, my loved ones have been by my side. Saying 'Thank you' doesn't seem like enough. So I wrote a song thanking them. It still doesn't feel like enough, but it's all I have. So I dedicate this song to everyone I love."
Blaine takes his seat at the piano and begins playing. Finn sits beside her and Yero settles at her feet.
"Hmmm
Oh, Lord
It's been a year
With little joys and little fears
It's finally here,
Christmas Day
My love I need some hope
A little faith, a hand to hold
It's awfully cold
Christmas Day
Watch the snow fall down like me sometimes
But you pick me up and then pick me up again
Like the winter leaves,
I can't survive without your light
Thank you for your smile
It's warmer than the fire
Your gentle laughter
Is sweeter than a choir
I'll never know
The right words to choose
So all I can say is
Thank you"
Finn takes over.
"We fell into the snow
And talked about growing old
So here's to a hundred more
Christmas days
This place will be our home
And my heart will be your own
As the candles glow
Christmas Day
Watch the snow fall down like you sometimes
But I pick you up and then pick you up again
Like our winter tree on Christmas night
It needs some light
Thank you for your smile
It's warmer than the fire
Your gentle laughter is
Sweeter than a choir
I'll never know
The right words to choose
So all I can say is
Thank you"
Rachel and Finn sing the bridge together.
"Spent all this time
Hanging lights
But I'm
Just blinded by your eyes
I look outside, the ground is white
But you and I
Should probably stay inside
Thank you for your smile
It's warmer than the fire
Your gentle laughter is
Sweeter than a choir"
Rachel takes the final line alone.
"I can't believe
This year you got me through
The least I can do is
Thank you."
With the song over, the audience is clapping and applauding and whistling. She waits for it to die down.
"That final verse 'I can't believe this year you got me through' was one I'd written as a teenager. At the time, it had been an entire year of me being sick and them supporting me. Now it's been half a year, but I figure it still counts. They're getting me through it. So thank you. To all of you."
She gives a slight bow, not dipping far in fear she'll fall over. Finn and Blaine bow as well and the three leave the stage. She needs to sleep. She knows this. While she's glad she at least got to sing her "Thank You" song, she hopes she can manage to sing the final two songs. She's slated to sing the closing song, "Silent Night". Before that she is supposed to sing another song with Jesse and another with Paolo, Ashely, and another star. She swallows down a wave of nausea and hopes it doesn't return. She rests and thankfully feels up to singing. Before she can get out onto the stage, Jesse hesitantly stops her. She listens to him, considers it, then they go out on stage.
"It seems there's been a request." Rachel begins. "Not a song request, either, which is odd. I've been requested to remove my scarf. I'm really not sure why and I'm hesitant for two reasons. First, I'm cold. Covering my head keeps me warm."
"It'd be brief." Jesse points out helpfully.
She gives him a mild glare. "I know. But I don't think you understand how cold I am these days. Second, no one outside of immediate family has seen me bald and now I'm being asked to show strangers; and it's being recorded. I've made peace with being bald, but I don't like it. Still, I'll do it. Not for you," she tells Jesse, "or even for the person who requested it who is offering a large donation if I do it. I will take off my scarf and show my bald head for everyone who may be watching this or may one day watch this who has or had to go through chemo for any reason. As a show of solidarity. This is for you."
Shaking slightly from nerves, her gut churning, doubts filling her mind, Rachel takes a deep breath and unwraps her scarf. She sits tall and proud, showing off her bald head. It starts slow, but applause breaks out from the audience. Slow and quiet at first but gaining intensity. Then wolf whistles break out. Rachel blushes but her nerves ease. Jesse kisses her cheek.
"Even the top of your head turns red when you blush!" Jesse exclaims.
She swats him with her scarf, making the audience laugh. Yero takes that as his cue to give Jesse a warning growl. Finn walks out on stage smiling widely at her. He looks her up and down.
"Still the most gorgeous woman I've seen." He says with a wink.
"I knew you had a kink buried in there somewhere!" Rachel teases him, making him laugh.
"Hey!" Jesse says nervously, "This is family friendly!" The audience laughs.
Finn makes it to their side and kisses Rachel firmly. Feeling a wave of dizziness hit her, she grips his hand. He gets the message, deepens the kiss, and lifts her off the stool. Still kissing, she wraps her arms around his shoulders (hoping no one realizes she's holding on in a desperate attempt to steady herself). They stop kissing but smile at one another adoringly while he carries her off stage.
"Wait!" Jesse calls after them. "She's supposed to sing the next song!"
They ignore him. She rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. Finn turns back towards the stage and from how his neck muscles move she assumes he's shaking his head to Jesse. Even as Finn carries her to her dressing room, she can hear Jesse talking to the audience.
"I should get her back here." Then his tone changes, becoming anxious. "I should let them know those dressing rooms aren't exactly sound proof." His footsteps are thudding off the stage in their direction and he shouts his next sentence. "Family friendly, Hudsons! Family friendly!"
From a distance, she hears the audience laughing. Feet rush up to them.
"Is she okay?" Jesse asks worriedly.
"She's either dizzy or suddenly has a headache."
"Dizzy." She mumbles.
"Alright. I'll call for the next song."
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She almost asked him to take her home. Almost. Instead, she rested until the dizziness passed. Relief fills her when she feels better minutes later. She heads back out onto the stage (with her scarf back in place). Realizing she's too tired to sing, she comes up with an alternative idea. She hopes she doesn't get in trouble for this.
"I love singing, obviously. I love solos. But I also love singing with other people. Hearing our voices harmonize is an incredible experience. I love it. There's another experience that I love. I don't get to experience it often. It's been years. It's when a large enough group of people sing together. With a big enough group, enough voices mixing, all together they make a beautiful sound. Even if individual voices may not be so good, together they're incredible. I'm pretty sure we have a large enough crowd here, if you're willing. What do you think? Are you willing to help me out and give this a shot?"
The audience applauds. She grins. She chooses a song they're all likely to know but also one that would sound good with a large group singing.
"Great! How about 'How Great Thou Art'?" The applause gets louder. "Alright. I'll get us started but join in as quick as you can. Then I'll drop out and listen to you all sing together."
"Oh Lord, my God
When I, in awesome wonder
Consider all the words Thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art"
The audience started participating louder and louder. Comfortable with the level of participation, Rachel fades out her singing and smiles at the audience. As the song goes on, more people join in and the voices sing louder. The large group, all singing loudly together, did exactly what Rachel predicted. The voices harmonized naturally, even having groups go high and groups go low. It is such a beautiful sound and a beautiful moment that Rachel briefly forgets the reason she came up with this idea. She closes her eyes and her smile grows. The music washes over her, giving her chills. Goosebumps rise up along her arms. When it ends, she claps and gets them to clap for themselves.
"That was amazing. Thank you for letting me experience that." She says sincerely.
Jesse wanders back on stage. He grins when he gets closer and teases her. "Are you crying?"
Rachel grins as she swipes at her eyes. "Yes. I am crying. That was beautiful. I'm so glad I got to experience that."
Jesse nods slowly, tapping his foot. "You got too tired to sing, did't you."
"Yup, yes I did." This is followed by chuckles from the audience. "But I did absolutely love that."
Jesse laughs and shakes his head. "Alright, let's get you off stage."
He helps her stand and guides her off stage.
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Back in her dressing room, she is forced to admit that she is completely drained. She won't be able to sing her final number or even the next two songs she's supposed to sing. She hates it. She hates that she's already turned down several songs and now has to skip more, including the final number. However, she knows she can't push herself beyond her limits and she's hitting her limit. She rests her hand on Finn's arm.
"Take me home?" She asks quietly.
The look on his face goes from surprise to concern to pride and relief. "I'll ask an usher to grab us a taxi and then I'll let the others know."
Kurt and Blaine, who are in the dressing room with them, share a worried look. When Finn leaves to complete his tasks, the men move so they're sitting on either side of her.
"You okay?"
She shakes her head slowly. "Drained. I can't—"
"Hey, it's okay." Blaine soothes. "You sang a bunch of songs."
"Less than I was supposed to."
"But more than we'd feared." Kurt points out.
"True." She acknowledges.
She scratches behind Yero's ears while waiting for Finn to return. He comes back with Jesse, April, and Ashley. The three of them hug her goodbye and thank her for staying as long as she did. She doesn't protest when Finn lifts her into his arms. Yero follows them and hops into the taxi before Finn sets her in it. Yero settles his upper half onto her lap. She's asleep before they make it home.
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Rachel's twenty-fourth birthday began with a moderate attack in the early morning, only days after her previous attack. She was already planning on spending the day lounging around and napping whenever the urge struck her, so it wasn't a big deal to her. On the talk show, she'd joked about wanting to spend her birthday sleeping. She hadn't been entirely serious. Now she is. She stayed in lounge clothes and mostly slept the day away. When she woke in the early afternoon, Santana and Brittany brought over a strawberry shake for her. That ended up being her brunch. Her parents and her NY family came over for dinner and cake. She didn't have the energy to do much and they were very understanding of that. The celebration was simple, short, and calm. After cake, they played one round of a card game before she became too tired even for that. Her NY family kissed her goodbye and left her to rest. Her parents stayed, for which she was grateful. They put on a movie and Rachel curled into her mom, enjoying cuddling with her. It wasn't long into the movie before she drifted off to sleep.
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They didn't do much for Hannukah this year. They lit the candles and said the prayers and played the dreidel game, but the Hudson's have gotten in the habit of reserving presents for Christmas. Rachel likes seeing the menorah lit beside their Christmas tree. She called her relatives every night to sort of be involved in their celebration. Her mom and stepdad came for the final night of Hannukah, which helped make it special and fun.
Though they were a little nervous about it, they decided to all head to a holiday light show in the city. Rachel wore a medical mask the entire time. They brought folding chairs and blankets, uncertain what seating would be available. Blaine brought thermoses of hot chocolate for everyone. It was a fun night.
Their parents came to them for Christmas. Rachel had wanted to go home to Ohio for it, but just the thought of traveling so much made her want to cry. She hates that she's not up for it. She feels bad that her family has to adjust their plans to accommodate her needs. They insisted they don't mind at all. Wanting to avoid heavy traffic and crowds, their parents came two days before Christmas. The day they arrived Rachel had a horrible migraine, so her mom stayed with her while everyone else hung out in the Hummel-Anderson apartment. Christmas Eve was fun. They sang carols, played games, baked cookies, and watched holiday movies.
Christmas morning did not go according to plan.
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"Finally! The slow poke is up."
Rachel glowers at her brother. Kurt is well aware that she's awake earlier than anticipated. He smirks at her, so she swats his head as she passes, taking care to mess up his hair. He scowls and does his best to fix it with his fingers.
"I'd mess up your hair, but you don't have any." He tells her.
"Dad!" Rachel whines.
"Kurt, leave your sister alone."
Rachel plops onto the couch between her dad and mother-in-law. She curls into her dad's side and he instantly wraps an arm around her. Carole tugs on the blanket on her lap and spreads it over Rachel as well. Rachel sticks her tongue out at Kurt.
"See?! See?! She's just being a brat! Stop defending her!" Kurt whines back playfully.
Blaine looks between them and shakes his head, a small smile playing on his lips. "My husband is a child."
"Siblings will always act like siblings, no matter how old they get." Her mom informs him with a smile. "My siblings and I still bicker and tease and annoy one another."
"Should we do breakfast first or presents first?" Scott asks.
They all turn to Rachel. She cringes at the thought of food. Seeing that, the others agree to presents first. Her mom gives Yero a gift to bring to Rachel. She takes off the bow and sets it on Yero's head. He tilts his head to the side and lets his tongue dangle out, creating an adorable image. Rachel laughs and kisses his nose.
"Go find your gift, Yero. Sniff it out, it's under the tree." She tells him, pointing to the tree.
She'd put a dog treat in the gift, under the loosely wrapped paper, to give him an easy target. Yero heads to the tree and starts sniffing around while the others watch in amusement. The golden retriever crawls under the tree, carefully avoiding stepping on the presents. They know he found his gift when he lets out a happy yip and his tail starts wagging like crazy. He grabs it and brings it away from the tree. He sets it down, circles it, then sits on his haunches and looks to Rachel for permission.
"Go on, open it!"
Yero needs no more prompting. He uses his teeth and paws to tear off the wrapping paper and pull out a new toy. He snatches up the treat and eats it quickly before sniffing his new toy again. He dances around it, his butt wiggling while he does his happy tappy toe dance. Then he takes it to his dog bed and curls up with it, resting his head on the new stuffed dinosaur. Seeing how happy he is with it, Rachel smiles widely and goes back to watching the rest of her family open their gifts. Carole gets up to check on the overnight French toast she'd prepared. Rachel laughs at her mom stealing Carole's seat and sitting next to her.
She accepts her next gift and tears back the pretty paper. Yero jumps up, leaving his new toy behind, and hurries over to her. She holds out the gift, thinking he wants to help her tear off the paper. Instead, he grabs it with his mouth and tosses it aside. Then he turns back to her and barks anxiously. Rachel sighs, realizing he's alerting her to an incoming attack. She's already sitting on the couch, so she scoots over so her mom can hold her. Her dad takes her hand. The others set their presents down, their expressions grim, and move closer so they can help out if needed. Finn gets up and leaves the room, returning moments later with her oxygen tank.
Rachel's entire body goes rigid at the first stab of claws driving into her chest. All air is knocked from her lungs. When the sharp claws drag down her chest, her body jerks. Her mom's arms tighten around her. Her dad grabs her legs and pulls them over his lap, holding them steady. Rachel's mouth opens silently in a mockery of a scream; she doesn't have enough air to make a sound. Sounds around her erupt into chaos. She ignores them to focus on taking her next breath. It's a fierce battle. The pain is absolute agony. Her chest is being torn to shreds. Blood fills her mouth and she chokes on it. They turn her on her side. Her body spasms violently. Hands are on her, arms are wrapped around her. All she cares about is getting in the next gasp of air. It comes in raspy spurts. Bright lights flare behind her eyes, blinding her. For a moment, there's nothing. No pain, no sound, nothing at all. Then she hears water lapping against wood. Instinctively, Rachel squeezes her right hand. There's a hand holding hers. Of course there is; he's always by her side. Anchoring her. Holding on to his hand as tight as she can, she pulls in a thin breath. The blinding light flickers and she catches a glimpse of her living room and her family surrounding her.
A spike drives into her skull and she crumbles under the combined agony. Tears stream down her cheeks. She wants to scream. She wants to sob. The all encompassing pain blocks out everything else. Then sound returns, though muffled. Voices overlap, their panicked and fearful tones breaking her heart. One sound blocks out all others; humming. Right next to her ear. She tries to focus on it but the claws tear her ragged chest. She can't breathe. She wants to. She thinks they're telling her to. She just…..can't. Her lungs refuse to cooperate. She's slipping away. Water laps at the side of her wooden boat. The boat sways gently from side to side.
A hand grips hers firmly.
A voice hums soothingly.
A comforting furry weight rests on her stomach.
Arms wrap around her legs.
More hands on her arms and legs.
A hand strokes her cheek.
There's a dark starry sky above her.
The boat drifts further away.
No.
For them. She will fight through this pain for them. Her hands desperately scrabble for the wooden oars. It's like rowing a rowboat in white water rapids. But she won't give up. For them.
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His hands are still shaking. His heart is still lodged in his throat. Finn hasn't had to perform CPR in years. On his wife. Watching her suffer through the pure agony of a severe attack nearly broke him. He saw how hard she fought to breathe. And then she stopped breathing. They laid her on the ground and started taking turns breathing for her. And then her heart stopped. They started CPR. The fact that she has to suffer like this makes him want to tear the world apart with his bare hands. A mighty roar is building within him. He takes in gasping breaths to keep it at bay. A hand lands on his shoulder. His stepfather gives him a supportive squeeze; all he can manage at the moment, his own weary expression incapable of forming a smile.
"She's hanging on." He tells the younger man.
Finn shakes his head. "She's on life support."
That's all they know. They aren't allowed to see her yet. She never started breathing on her own and her heart stopped again on the ambulance ride here, so they're being extra cautious. He'd refused to let go of her hand, fearing she'd slip away while not being held by someone who loves her. Alone. He could never let that happen. Never. Finn rubs a shaking hand over his face. His mother-in-law is sitting between her husband and his own mother. Kurt and Blaine are clinging to one another. Burt has stayed by Finn's side, offering him support. He's extremely grateful, but what he needs is his wife. Nothing short of being with her will soothe him. He paces the waiting area, his eyes constantly darting to the doors the doctors enter through. The day had started so nice. He'd woken up with his wife in his arms. It is no longer jarring to wake up to his bald wife in bed beside him. Used to it, he'd kissed her head, tucked her in more, then gotten showered and dressed. He'd checked on her again, then gone out to unlock the door and let the others in. They agreed to celebrate at their place so that Rachel wouldn't have to leave her home. They'd sat around talking and eating doughnuts until she came out of the bedroom and joined them. Despite Kurt's teasing, no one had wanted to celebrate the holiday without her there with them, so they happily waited for her. Now…..now…now he's waiting for a doctor to give him an update. He doesn't believe she passed away. Finn is confident he'd know. He'd feel it in his very soul if she died. He doesn't feel that, but he does feel on edge. He needs to see her. He needs to hold her. He needs to see her eyes open and her lips curl up into a smile. Through everything, her smile has remained warm and loving and bright. He stops his pacing to pet Yero. The dog had jumped onto the ambulance with Rachel and they hadn't wanted to waste time getting him off so he came with them. Finn grabbed him and kept him with him in the waiting room. Yero had struggled against him, straining to follow the gurney Rachel was being whisked away on. Finn had had to work hard to calm the dog and distract him. Now, Yero is laying on the floor, his eyes on the door. Finn pets him then goes back to pacing.
"Mr. Hudson?"
Finn spins around so fast he stumbles. Burt grabs him and steadies him. Interestingly, Yero hurries over and stands by Finn's side. "Yeah? Is my wife okay?"
She's not. He knows this. He also knows she's still alive. But he needs to hear it from a doctor. Dr. Preston's lips form a thin line. "Can we speak privately?"
Finn almost follows him. It's his right as Rachel's husband to receive the news before anyone else. But then he glances at the others. Their parents and brothers. No. Excluding them and making them wait is mean.
"Whatever you'd tell me I'd repeat to them." He tells the doctor.
"Rachel's heart stopped twice, as you know. And she did not begin breathing on her own at any point. We have her on life support, as you were informed earlier. Her heart rate has been slowly becoming more steady. I'm not gonna lie, by the time she got to the hospital, her heart was acting….sluggish. Struggling to beat."
"But it's beating now? Normally?" Shelby asks fearfully.
"Yes. Her heart is beating normally now." Dr. Preston assures them. "But she's still not breathing on her own. Which is why we have her on a mechanical ventilator and probably will for a while."
Kurt covers his face. "She's gonna hate that."
"At least she'll be alive to hate it and complain about it." Blaine points out, rubbing his back.
"If it messes up her vocal chords, she will never forgive you." Burt tells the doctor seriously.
Dr. Preston's lips twitch. "I am aware of Rachel's career and passion for singing. I've had the honor of hearing her sing live. We took great care to insert the tube without damaging her vocal chords or throat. And we'll be very careful removing it once she's strong enough to breathe on her own."
"Can I see her now?" Finn asks, unable to hold back anymore.
"You can. No more than two at a time, please."
No one argues when Shelby practically leaps from her seat and joins Finn. And no one bats an eye at Yero trailing along. They hold hands on the way to Rachel's room. They both come to an abrupt halt upon entering the room and seeing her. They've both seen her in a similar position before, years ago. But now, seeing her like this, especially with a knitted cap and no hair, seems so much worse. Yero shares no such qualms. The dog gingerly hops onto the bed and curls up at her feet. Finn and Shelby share a glance, nod, and move to the bed. They sit on either side of Rachel and each take a hand. Finn gently kisses her cheek before sitting, then kisses her knuckles before pressing her palm to his own cheek. He lays his hand over hers, keeping it there.
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No one is willing to go home so they stay at the hospital and take turns sitting with Rachel in pairs. Yero hasn't left her side at all, even when nurses tried to shoo him off the bed. She hasn't woken up. It's been hours with no sign of her waking. Her breathing is improving, so they're starting to ween her off the ventilator, but even that is happening slowly. Whenever Finn isn't sitting with Rachel, he's anxiously pacing the waiting room. He only leaves her side to allow others to visit with her. If he had it his way, he'd never leave her side. Kurt and Blaine dragged him to the cafeteria for food but he didn't stay there long, not wanting to be far from her.
"She'll pull through, Finn. She always does." Kurt tells him softly.
"I know." Finn says gruffly.
That's not even a question in his mind. She'll be fine. The thing bugging him is when. It's already been hours.
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Rachel laughs, feeling her smile stretch her cheeks. Her stomach is starting to ache from laughing so much, and she's gasping for air. Finn, also laughing, is running his fingers through her hair. Kurt is bent over, face red from laughing so hard. Grinning, Blaine continues his story.
"So our baritone is standing on stage cupping his balls and has to continue the scene! He sang the next song as a soprano!" Blaine wheezes out the final sentence of his story.
Another squeal of laughter erupts from her, making it impossible for her to breathe properly. She desperately sucks in thin breath after thin breath, trying to quell her giggles. She falls into Kurt's side and her brother wraps an arm around her shoulders. Both of them have wet faces from laughing so hard they were crying. They're in the Hummel-Anderson apartment. She looks around but doesn't see tissues. In her home, there's always a box on the end table. Instead, she turns her face and uses his shirt to dry her tears.
"Hey!" He chuckles. "I'm not a human tissue!"
"Yes you are!" She laughs. Kurt suddenly turns to her with a serious expression, all signs of mirth gone. He strokes her cheek and pushes some of her hair behind her ear. Her mouth falls into a frown. "Kurt? What's wrong?"
He shakes his head slowly. She blinks and he's gone. So is Blaine. Startled, she turns to Finn. He is looking at her sadly. Her husband cups her chin and gently strokes her jawline and down to her chin.
"Finn?"
"I need you." He whispers.
"Finn, you have me." She assures him.
When he leans closer, tilting his head, she meets him halfway. The moment their lips brush against one another, he's gone. She opens her eyes and is alone. Scared and confused, she clenches her eyes shut, takes a deep breath….and realizes she can't open her eyes. And she's suddenly too tired to move. Hands hold hers. Voices murmur around her, though she can't make out the words. Something warm is lying on her feet and lower legs. Lips press against her forehead. For them. She was supposed to be doing something for them. Exhaustion weighs on her, making it difficult for her to think straight.
Rachel drifts.
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It's late. They spent the entire day in the hospital. Rachel still hasn't woken and still isn't breathing entirely on her own. They've been slowly weening her off the ventilator, bit by bit, but she won't be off it entirely until at least tomorrow morning. Visiting hours end. The others reluctantly shuffle home. Shelby snapped at the nurse that she wouldn't be going anywhere so long as her daughter wasn't out of the woods. Finn ignored them entirely, sitting beside his wife, holding her hand, as immovable as a statue. They don't matter. None of them matter. Only Rachel matters right now and he's not going anywhere. Anyone trying to remove him from his wife's side will find themselves needing far more medical attention than Rachel. The nurses grudgingly back down and allow the two of them to stay.
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Kurt takes on the responsibility of informing the others. He calls, apologizes for ruining their holidays with bad news, then assures them he'll let them know when there's any change. They all offer to rush to NY to be there for them. Kurt convinces them it's unnecessary; Rachel would want them to keep their holiday plans and enjoy themselves. Hesitantly, they agree.
His parents go to bed as soon as they get to their apartment, but Kurt can't. He can't sleep. He's too stressed and on edge and worried. He came too close to losing his sister today. On Christmas Day. Instead, he heads up to the Hudson's apartment. Blaine goes with him. The men start cleaning up wrapping paper and put back unopened presents under the tree. They straighten up in silence. Standing in his sister's living room, knowing she's at the hospital hanging on to life, churns his stomach. The brightly lit tree and pretty menorah mock his dark mood. He breaths harshly and tries his best to shove these emotions down. Kurt bends down and scoops up more wrapping paper. It's the paper Rachel used to wrap his present from her. His vision blurs with tears. Hot anger and cold fear battled for dominance in his body. Kurt crushes the paper between his hands and hurls it at the Christmas tree with a gargled cry. Blaine drops the broom and hurries over to him, yanking him into his arms as he begins to sob.
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Shelby pulls the blanket higher over Finn's shoulders. The man is slumped over, asleep in his chair. He'd refused to use the cot the nurses brought in for him, wanting to be able to jump to attention the moment Rachel wakes up. Shelby can't blame him; she refused for the same reason. She hasn't been able to sleep yet. She can't. Not until her daughter opens her eyes. Shelby retakes her seat beside the bed and lifts Rachel's hand. She draws patterns on the back of her hand and hums softly.
Seven months. Rachel has been sick for seven months, she's already stage three, she's been far more weak than any other time she fought this, and her heart stopped after a severe attack. A wave of grief, strong enough to make her feel sick, washes over the mother. She swallows it down. The bile makes her throat sting. She sips water to help ease it. It takes great effort, but she pushes those emotions aside. Instead, she thinks about how Rachel has handled this all emotionally. Rachel has had rough days; days she was bitter, angry, weepy, or just depressed. But those days, or rather, moments, have been fairly rare. Overall, she has stayed positive as she always does. As she always has, she has kept her head up and a smile on her face. She jokes. She laughs. She's been too tired to do much outside of her apartment, but she has still been living her life to the best of her ability. Shelby has no doubt that Rachel will wake up, smile, and either crack a joke or say something to make them feel better. It makes her smile.
Her eyes drift to Finn. He has been strong and positive this whole time as well. Like Rachel, he has kept his head up, has joked, smiled, laughed, and has continued to live his life while also taking care of Rachel. Until today. Today, the weight of reality crushed him. Ever since her heart stopped, Finn has shown his fear. His eyes are heavy, his shoulders bent, and his expression closed off. He's quieter than usual, only speaking when necessary. His eyes rarely leave Rachel. When they do, he stares blankly out the window. Shelby was relieved when he fell asleep. He needs the rest; not just physically, but emotionally. She sighs and goes back to looking at her daughter. She reaches out and gently strokes a pale cheek. Rachel's eyes flutter. Shelby's breath catches. The fingers in her hand twitch. She releases her breath and sucks in another.
"Rachel?" She calls softly.
Her head turns slightly towards her and her eyes flutter again. If Finn sleeps through her waking, he'll be upset. Shelby tries to get his attention without being loud and without letting go of Rachel's hand.
"Finn." No response. No reaction.
Shelby grabs the box of tissues off the nightstand and tosses it at Finn. Finn jerks and sits up startled and blinking hard. Shelby catches his eye and jerks her head towards the young woman in the bed. Finn's eyes become intense and he immediately scoots the chair closer. They each hold a hand and wait patiently, talking to her softly and encouragingly. It takes another minute, but her eyes finally open. They smile at her warmly.
"Hey, baby girl." Shelby coos. "We're here. It's okay."
They watch her eyes drift around the room, taking in her new setting, Yero still at her feet, and her mother and husband beside her. Her fingers slowly curl around theirs.
"You just rest, alright?" Finn says softly. "You're fine."
The way he says it has just a hint of uncertainty that he couldn't hide. Before leaving, Dr. Preston had expressed his concern that they may have to pause treatments until she recovers from this. If that's the case, there's a risk of her numbers dropping. If she drops to stage four, they won't be able to do the transplant. If that happens, then all they'll be able to do is resume normal treatments. And pray. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Rachel picks up on it even in her exhausted state. Shelby knows this from how the look in her eyes shifts from fatigue and confusion to understanding and compassion. Then her lips curl up slightly around the ventilator tube and she winks at Finn. Finn and Shelby chuckle, both taking it the same way. That was Rachel's way of saying "Of course I'm fine, stop stressing." They each kiss a cheek.
"Go back to sleep."
She does.
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It's odd having Rachel conscious but still on a ventilator. She mostly sleeps, but does wake from time to time. When she's awake she'll squeeze hands, pet Yero if he scoots up high enough that she can reach him, smile, and even played tic tac toe with Kurt (one short game and she fell asleep right after). Her most comforting thing to do, it appears, is twist Finn's wedding ring around his finger. That action seems to soothe her. And him, for that matter. She did manage to express her concerns over the ventilator by tapping her throat. Dr. Preston assured her that he took great care putting it in and will use great care removing it. Rachel pointed two fingers at her eyes, then turned them to him, indicating that she's watching him. That had them all chuckling. Dr. Preston held up his hands innocently and she gave him a slight grin and thumbs up.
Shelby is relieved Rachel is awake and calm. The mother had feared that Rachel would be panicked, depressed, or worse, still in pain. She seems fine, just tired and weak. By afternoon, they feel comfortable removing the ventilator. They put her right on an oxygen mask, but at least the tube is gone, meaning she can talk and drink. Her first words were said in a soft, scratchy voice, but just hearing her talk had them all relieved. Burt and Carole were going to stay for two days then head home for work. However, with Rachel being in the hospital, they decided to stay until she's out. They haven't said when she'll be released. Just "when she's strong enough". And apparently that's not yet. Shelby thinks about all the times Rachel was in the hospital in the past after severe or double attacks and was too tired/weak to even sit up on her own. This time isn't much different, so she's not surprised she's not being released yet.
Once again, visiting hours come to an end. Shelby knows they were only allowed to stay last night because Rachel had still been in the I.C.U. Now, she's breathing on her own (though with some assistance from a mask) and is in a normal hospital room. When the nurses come to send everyone home, Scott, Burt, Carole, Kurt, and Blaine hug and kiss Rachel goodbye. Shelby lifts her chin in defiance of the order to leave.
"This is my child."
"She's an adult." The nurse argues.
"I don't care. She's sick and weak and I'm not leaving her."
The nurse clenches her teeth and breathes in deeply to stay calm. Shelby doesn't care. The nurse can seethe all she wants, Shelby isn't leaving her.
"I can give you another hour. That's it."
The nurse turns on her heel and leaves the room. Shelby watches her leave before turning back to find that Rachel is watching her.
"Mom, I'm fine."
"You're not." Shelby tells her bluntly. "But you will be."
The corner of Rachel's mouth lifts into a half smile. "I mean you can go. I'm happy for you to stay, but I'm just gonna sleep. I swear. And Finn and Yero are here."
It's all true. Still, Shelby hates not being with Rachel when she's in the hospital. "Well, we have an hour."
Finn deals out cards and they play a round of Hearts before Rachel's eyes begin to droop and her responses slow down. Shelby gently tugs the cards from Rachel's hand and gives them to Finn, who begins cleaning up. Then she lowers the bed and kisses Rachel's cheek. She's asleep for a while when the nurses returns.
"It's time to go now. She'll be fine and you can come back first thing in the morning." When Shelby looks back at her daughter and swallows hard, the nurse drops her bitchy tone, softening it. "It'd be good for all of you to get a good night of sleep. You'll be no good to her if you're not rested."
Shelby sighs deeply, knowing it's true. She just hates it. "Alright. But her phone is on the nightstand. If she calls me during the night, I'm coming back."
The nurse's lips twitch. Probably because she knows how unlikely that is. Rachel has spent more time asleep than awake. "Understood."
Shelby stands and pulls on her coat, hat, and gloves. As she's wrapping her scarf around her neck, she realizes Finn hasn't moved. The nurse has clearly noticed as well, since she's staring at him with an eyebrow raised.
"Finn?"
Finn had been staring at Rachel's face, relaxed in sleep but half hidden by the oxygen mask. The man lifts his head and meets Shelby's eyes. He slowly shakes his head no. She smiles at him in understanding. He won't move. He won't leave Rachel's side. He turns to the nurse, his determined expression set in stone. The nurse sighs.
"Sir—"
"She is my wife." His expression is unyielding. "I don't leave her side."
The two are locked in a battle of wills for several long moments. Finally, the nurse realizes he won't budge and gives a jerky nod before departing. Shelby breathes a sigh of relief. She hugs Finn tight.
"Call me if you need anything or if there's any change."
"I will."
At the door, Shelby turns back. Yero is curled up asleep at Rachel's feet. Finn drags his chair closer to the bed and takes her hand in his. He kisses her knuckles gently, his eyes on her face. Shelby can practically read his thoughts, for hers are the same.
Please be okay. Please get better soon. I can't do this without you.
She smiles slightly as she walks down the hall towards the elevator. She feels a little better about leaving. Her daughter is in good hands.
xxxxxxxxxx
A/N: "Christmas in New York" is from Lea Michele's Christmas album. "Do They Know It's Christmas" is my favorite Christmas song that Glee did. "A Hand for Mrs. Clause" is from Idina Menzel's Christmas album featuring Ariana Grande. The "Thank You" song is from Pentatonix, which Scott wrote with his husband. I just thought it fit Rachel's situation. And I WAS going to have her sing it in high school when she was stage three at sectionals junior year, but changed my mind. My favorite version of that song is the EPIC version (literally called that) on YouTube that Pentatonix sung live, but that version has a different ending and I needed the original ending for my story. So listen to the epic version but imagine the original ending lol. Also, I only chose "How Great Thou Art" because I found a video of a group of adults singing it loudly together and it was chill inducing. They weren't singers, they were just random happy adults who were celebrating something by singing that song. Blew me away. Also, random note, the pain in one finger has moved, which is odd to me but I'm hoping is a good sign. My other finger is hurting more than ever so I'm worried I'll need surgery. But I'll keep doing the stupid exercises for it and hope for the best. My point in bringing this up is it's still making it hard to write. I'm doing my best, I promise.