Chapter 13

Rachel decided to go ahead and speak her mind. While she understands why no one was planning on going to the benefit, and she won't push them to go if they truly don't want to, she at least wants to make it clear to them that she'd be happy for them to go. She'll support them either way. But she'd like as many of them as possible to go. For her. She asks for her entire NY family to join her in her hospital room. They come, of course. Once they're all settled, she starts.

"So…..the benefit is this weekend." She begins. She watches their faces. Most look away. Santana stares her down defiantly. "None of you were planning on going? We always go."

"Things change." Noah says bluntly.

She dips her head in acknowledgment of that. "True. I won't be going. That's a given. But none of you are going?"

"What'd you expect, Rachel?" Kurt asks.

"I expected at least some of you to go, if not all."

Finn raises an eyebrow at her. "Seriously?"

"Well….not you." She concedes. "But the rest of you. Guys, we started this benefit. It's our benefit. This is the ninth annual benefit."

"Which is not a milestone." Quinn points out. "Next year's tenth annual benefit will be a milestone."

"And I hope that no matter what, you all go and sing next year." They all look away from her. "We should make the tenth year a big deal. Do something really special. If I'm there for it, great. We'll figure it out together. If not, then it'll be up to you to make it special."

"That's next year." Brittany says. "This year is only the ninth."

"You should still go. Sing. We've gone every year."

"Well, something's different this year." Kurt argues. "This will be the first year that you don't go at all. We don't want to go with you."

Blaine nods. "We want to be here with you. We'll go together next year, okay?"

She almost caves in. Almost. Even though she is tiring from arguing, she pushes on. "I understand. But I'm still alive. I'm still holding on."

"And if that changes?" Santana snaps. "What if you die while we're in Ohio singing at the benefit?"

Rachel gives her a meaningful look. "Then you'll be honoring my life and memory in the best way possible."

Santana flinches back as though slapped. She swallows hard. Looking around, Rachel realizes her words effected everyone. They're all silent for a moment.

"Rach," Sam says gently, "a lot of us have already been taking time off work to be here with you. We don't all have time to take off to go to Ohio."

"Now I know you're just making excuses." She chides gently. Her voice is getting softer as she tires. "Because we've all talked about how we put in for time off for this weekend months in advance. You all asked off for it already. Almost a year ago. And now it's only a couple days away."

"Fine." All eyes jump to Kurt. He shrugs. "I know her well enough to know she wants us to go and sing. And she's right. We already asked off. We can go, sing, and come back. We don't even have to stay the whole time."

She gets reluctant agreement from the others. Except Finn. She knows he won't be leaving her side. She's fine with that. She has other plans for him.

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Rachel talked to her family. She won't push her mom to stay for the benefit, but did ask that she at least stay long enough to listen to the original New Directions sing. Her mom agreed. The rest of her family agreed to go as usual to show their support. She'd already spoken to her Uncle Mark and Aunt Amy about bringing their boys to visit her. Since they're trying to wait a little longer to see if she gets better, and the boys have a big end of school year trip planned, they won't be coming right away. Not wanting to put it off too long, they plan to come in July. If something changes, they're prepared to either come quickly so she can have that important talk with Oliver, or have it be a phone call. But assuming all goes well, they'll be visiting in person soon.

She's back to sleeping most of her days away, which she hates. She's short of breath daily. Her numbers have stopped dropping, at least. They're not going up, but not dropping. They've stopped moving entirely. Her doctors say it's a good sign. Rachel hopes that's true. But the longer it takes for her to get better, the more her hope of actually surviving this slips away.

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"This is the first year of the benefit that Rachel is unable to attend. All eight years before this she showed up and performed for at least part of it. This year, she is…..not doing well. Most of you, if not all of you, know that she relapsed a year ago."

Shelby has to pause there. She's hasn't actually discussed how long she's been sick for this time. She wasn't keeping track the same way she was in the past. But it hits her now; Rachel has been sick for a year now. Once she gathers herself, she goes on.

"At last year's benefit, she stood here and announced her relapse and that she was was stage one. Now, she is stage four. This time, since it is her third time battling aplastic anemia, they had her go through with a bone marrow transplant. To do that, she had to go through chemotherapy, which she hated. She lost all of her hair, among other side effects. Though, the last time I visited her, she happily pointed out that she now has some fuzz on her head. It's been a few months since she stopped chemo so her hair is starting to grow back. But that's the only good news. Like I said, she is currently in stage four. She didn't drop to stage four until after the transplant. The transplant itself went smoothly. However, so far, it's not working. We're sure it will soon. It could start working and she could start getting better at any time. It just hasn't happened yet. But this is Rachel. This is my daughter. She is a fighter. She is stubborn. And she doesn't give up. So she is holding on. And it's how I know she will survive this again and get better. This is why we need a cure. She has already fought this three times. Please donate what you can. The sooner we have a cure, the sooner she can be healthy and back to a normal life. Well…." She grins "….normal for her. Performing on Broadway."

That has the audience chuckling and clapping. Her smile fades.

"They've been working on a cure for a long time. They made a lot of progress and are on human trials. However, I found out recently that they hit a snag. For most in the trial, the cure worked quickly. For a few, it killed them quickly. They're taking it back to the drawing board, but thankfully they're not starting at square one. They're looking at what worked and what didn't work and trying to figure out how to make it work for everyone. It'll just….take longer than expected to get the cure. Donations will help. They need more funding."

She lets this sink in and gives herself a moment to collect herself. When she'd read about the roadblock they hit with the cure, and that it'd probably make it take longer to get a cure, she felt like the rug was being yanked out from under her. They'd been so close. It was Rachel who helped her work past it. "The cure was never going to be made in time to help me this time, Mom. But it can help me in the future, after I'm in remission again. Which will happen. And if not, then I'll be happy knowing our benefit helped raise funding for a cure for others."

"On to happier topics. Her friends, who are her chosen family, all of whom were the original members of the New Directions, are here to perform today. I proudly present: the original New Directions."

The audience claps as they walk out on stage. Kurt takes the microphone and hugs her tight before she leave the stage. He addresses the audience next.

"No offense, but we didn't want to come here. We wanted to stay in New York with Rachel. Like Aunt Shelby said, Rachel is currently stage four and not doing very well. But she asked us to come down here and perform for you all. So, for her, we are here. The only one not here is Finn, her husband. He refused to leave her side and I don't think she wanted him to leave her side. So don't worry, she's not sitting in a hospital in New York alone. Her husband is with her. And we'll be back there tonight. And Rachel, if you're watching this live right now and not sleeping, we love you."

The others behind him call out in unison. "We love you!"

Kurt's phone beeps from his pocket. He pulls it out and checks it, then starts laughing. "She says 'I love you too, now sing.'"

Everyone chuckles.

"Fine, fine. This is for you, Tink."

They start out singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". Then they perform a mashup of all the songs they could remember that she had a solo in in high school. At least the ones they figured out how to fit into the mashup. Finally, they move into a more somber and more emotional group number of "Not While I'm Around".

They step off stage to let the new members of the New Directions perform.

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Wanting to avoid an audience, they find an abandoned classroom to talk in. They all file into the room silently. Everyone looks tense. Except Mercedes, who just looks confused.

"What's going on, guys?" She asks them.

As one, they all turn and face her with blank expressions. Kurt starts it off. "We all got here just in time to perform. We didn't get to talk beforehand. So we're talking now."

"Okay, so let's talk. What's going on?" Mercedes presses.

Santana crosses her arms. "What's going on is you not visiting Rachel in the hospital. You have the time to come here to perform but you can't find the time to visit your dying friend?"

Mercedes stands tall and lifts her chin. "First of all, I asked off for this weekend a long time ago. I didn't ask off for time before it to visit Rachel because I didn't know she'd get so much worse around now. Besides, stop exaggerating. She's not dying."

The room is completely silently. Mercedes looks at each of their stoney expressions and uncertainty flashes on her face. "She's not. Right?"

"She's stage four." Puck bites out.

"But that doesn't mean—"

"The transplant doesn't seem to be working yet." Quinn interrupts.

"She's getting weaker." Tina says quietly.

"To be honest, they don't know if she will live or die this time. It's still very uncertain right now. It could go either way at any time." Blaine tells her.

"I…..I just…I'm living a good life." She defends herself. "And not in New York with all of you. I'm all over the world and I love it! I can't stop and come running back every time something happens with her!"

"But you could do more than call once or twice a month."

"Especially after we told you about the transplant and her numbers dropping."

Mercedes waves it off. "Her numbers always fluctuate. They drop, then they go up again. She always gets better. Always."

"And there's a good chance that could happen again this time. But it's not definite."

"You've been avoiding her."

Mercedes looks down. "Look. I love her. Just like I love all of you. But I can't go running to her bedside every time her numbers drop. I have a life. A career."

"It's not even the career you wanted!" Santana snaps. "And who is it who has been encouraging you to follow your dreams and branch out as a solo artist? But you're too much of a coward to do it!"

"I'm not a coward!"

"Really? Could have fooled me."

"I think that's the real reason you won't visit Rachel." San challenges. "She was brave enough to go for her dreams. Even as she was fighting for her life, for years, she never gave up on her dreams. You have an easier life than her and yet you don't have the courage to go for your dreams. You gave up on yours. I think you're secretly ashamed of yourself and don't want to face her."

Tears fill Mercedes' eyes and she steps back. Still, not one to back down, she glowers at the other woman. "I don't go see her because it hurts to see someone I love fading away!"

"That just makes you more of a coward. 'Cause we're all there with her, holding her hand through it."

"Fine, you're all braver and stronger than me. I get it. But I do have a career that I love that keeps me away." She goes back on defense. "I know she's been getting worse, but I couldn't have known she was getting that bad!"

"Yes you could have!" Kurt yells, his face turning red. "If you had just picked up your damn phone and called her!"

"You've barely even been calling us." Quinn points out. "And when you did, if you asked about Rachel, it was one question in passing, then you'd change the subject."

"I have my own life!" Mercedes yells. "I'm on tour with freaking Beyoncé! I'm her main backup vocalist! She counts on me! I'm making good money and doing what I love and performing on stages all around the world while you guys are still stuck at whatever jobs you do in New York! Why should I interrupt my wonderful life when it's going so well just to visit someone who is sick? She'll be fine! She's always fine!"

"I save lives." Sam says quietly. "That's the 'whatever job' that I'm stuck at."

"I save children from abusive homes." Santana adds on with a glare.

"I'm starting my own business from scratch." Puck tells her.

"I'm performing on Broadway." Blaine says. "Which, I shouldn't have to remind you, is a world class stage."

"I'm performing off Broadway and I work for a fashion company that is revered worldwide."

"I dance in a highly competitive and highly respected professional ballet troupe." Mike announces.

"So do I." Brittany chimes in.

"I've been directing my own indie films and commercials." Artie points out.

"I act and teach kids to dance so they can achieve their dreams." Tina says, a tad quieter than the others.

"I love my job and have been getting promotion after promotion." Quinn snaps. "Because I'm damn good at it and I'm paid well for it."

"Finn is a well-liked high school gym teacher. Rachel was on Broadway and won a Tony." Kurt picks up. "Our point is that we all have good lives that are going well. Frankly, the only thing not going well in our lives is Rachel's health. And we're all there for her. We make time for the people we love. Just as Rachel has always been there for us. She can't help being sick!"

"When I have a rough day at work, who do you think cheers me up, comforts me, and encourages me? Rachel." Sam tells her.

Santana nods her head. "Same with me. She reminds me how much what I'm doing matters."

"For those of us who perform for a living, who do you think encourages us, praises us, and makes the time to come see us perform? Rachel." Mike says.

"Same for me. She has seen and praised the things I've directed."

"Who do you think took the time to help Kurt and I practice so we could land the roles we have? Rachel." Blaine asks with a raised eyebrow.

"When I needed money to start classes to get started on making my own business, who do you think loaned me the money and encouraged me to work at it to follow my dreams? Rachel. And Finn." Puck says.

"Our point," Kurt says, "is that when things were amazing for Rachel and she was at the height of her career, and when she got sick again and it all came crumbling down and she was struggling, it never changed how she supported us. She has always been there for us. Through the good and the bad."

"And where have you been?" Santana asks. "Touring with Beyoncé. Great. We praised you for that and we've even been to see a show, remember? Even though you're just the background singer," she tacks on nastily, "we made a point to praise and support you. But you rarely returned the favor. It's like we stopped mattering to you when your life got good. We could live with that. It hurts, but we'll manage with your infrequent visits and less and less frequent calls. But what we can't forgive is you basically ignoring Rachel when she's fighting for her life."

"Everything is about her!" Mercedes snaps. "It always has been! Good or bad, it always comes back to her! I'm sick of it! I love my life because for the first time, it doesn't revolve around Rachel Berry!"

"Rachel Hudson, you mean. She and Finn would both be mad at you for not even using her correct name." Brittany huffs.

"And didn't Rachel encourage you to branch out to be a solo artist? Saying you have the skill and talent for it?" Quinn pushes.

"Yeah, why haven't you done that yet? It was your dream and you have people who love you who will support you."

"Even people who you haven't been around to support." Santana says archly.

"And everything will always revolve around her because she's our center. She's the one holding us all together." Artie gives a small smile while saying this.

"She's the star. Always has been. And Rachel knows perfectly well how much we sacrifice and suffer to be by her side supporting her through her illness. And she loves us all the more for it, even as she feels guilty. Not that she should."

"Relationships are a give and take. We balance that well."

"And I don't?"

"Not lately."

"Not in high school, either." San mutters.

"Shut up!" Mercedes yells. "I've had enough of you! I don't need to stand here and be insulted!"

She moves to leave but Kurt blocks her path, holding up his hands. "I'm not happy with you, but I love you. So does Rachel. Please. Just….go see her before you go back on tour. Please?"

Mercedes's eyes flick around the room and Kurt sees the fear in them. She's afraid. She doesn't say anything, but she gives a quick nod before stepping around him. They stay there until Will calls them back to the stage.

"While Rachel isn't here with us today," Will starts, "we did ask her if she had a message to share. She does."

He hands the microphone to Sue. "Rachel agreed to send a video of her message instead of having us read something. So, without further ado, here is Rachel Hudson's prerecorded message."

The audience claps looks to the dark curtain where the video begins playing. Rachel, wearing a beanie and nasal cannula, sits up on her hospital bed. She smiles at the camera.

"I'm sorry I can't be there in person. Trust me, I would if I could. I'm not exactly one to pass on a chance to sing for an audience." She grins, seeming to know they'd be laughing at that. They can hear Finn chuckling behind the camera. "Unfortunately, I'm just not well enough yet. Things aren't going well for me right now. That being said, I want it to be made very clear; I will never give up. I still have plans and dreams to achieve. I still want more time with my family. And nothing will stop me from getting it. But as I sit here focusing on getting through this and imagining the future I want, I can't help but think of the past. I won't deny that the five years I spent in remission, especially after I was married and performing on Broadway, were the best years of my life so far. But they weren't the only amazing years I had. Even when I was sick and fighting for my life in high school, my loved ones made my life amazing. There will never be enough words in the English language for me to be able to express just how grateful I am for them and how much I love them." Rachel pauses a moment to collect herself. "I am terrified that I may not get more time with them. But I won't let that fear stop me from fighting. Even as I fight for my future, I find myself thinking of the past. The good times and the bad. Because those times were spent together and that's what matters most; time spent with the people you love. And of course, me being me, my favorite times usually involved music. So while I can't sing this year, I do have a request. If you don't mind, I've asked for an old video to be played from a previous benefit. One that matters a lot to me. To us."

Since Rachel already told her family what song she wanted played, they discussed singing along with the video. In the end, with Rachel's blessing, they decided they'd only sing along if it felt right in the moment. The original members of the New Directions stand on the stage holding hands silently while the video changes. They watch and listen as their younger selves sing "We Are Young". Kurt watches and is enthralled with how young they all look. And how happy. At first, the group remains silent. For a few of them, like Kurt and Mercedes, tears drip down their cheeks. However, once the song hits the bridge, a few of them begin humming along. Then quietly singing along. They all sing the final chorus loud and proud along with their younger selves. Past Rachel and Past Finn end the song together. Kurt knows exactly why Rachel wanted this song to be the one they played today. He knows what message she was trying to send to them.

The video goes back to Rachel. "I hope you enjoyed it, even if it was just a recording of us from high school. That song has always meant a lot to us, but we haven't sung it in a long time. But now it's time for me to say goodbye." Kurt's head snaps over to the image of his sister smiling at the camera. "Thank you for anything you are willing to donate; it is greatly appreciated. I'm sure I'll be there in person next year, so I'll see you then. I love you all. Never give up on your dreams. Until next year." She smiles and waves and the video ends.

Feeling a desperate need to talk to Rachel, Kurt turns and hurries off stage, already pulling his phone out of his pocket. He hits her name and listens anxiously to it ring.

"Hey, Kurt."

He frowns. "Finn?"

"Yeah. Sorry. Rach is asleep."

"Oh. How is she?"

"She's fine, Kurt. Just resting."

"Okay. Good. We'll be back in a couple hours."

"We'll see you then."

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They say their goodbye's to Will, Sue, Holly, and the others running the benefit. They make a brief stop at their spot in the woods. Since they bought the plot of land that includes their spot, they've only been back once and not all together. It doesn't feel the same without Finn and Rachel with them. They mostly go to check on it and take more measurements. They have plans and want to put them in motion soon. They also say goodbye to Tina and Mike, who are heading to their own home. Then they head to the airport. When they land in New York City, they pause at baggage claim and turn to Mercedes.

"So where are you off to this time?" Sam asks her. "Paris again? Dubai? Rome?"

Mercedes takes a deep breath. "The hospital."

They smile warmly at her. "C'mon. We're all headed that way."

Kurt, Blaine, and Mercedes take a taxi together while the others are in another. Kurt turns to her. "What changed your mind?"

"I was listening to the recordings of us singing together in high school on the flight." She admits. "Rachel got the lead more often than not." She grins slightly. "She deserved it more often than not."

Kurt grins at that. "You know she'd argue that she didn't get every solo she wanted. And you know its true."

"I do. But she still got more than me. And half the ones I got were only when I wasn't competing against her for it."

"You're an incredible singer, Mercedes." Blaine says softly, reassuringly.

"I know I am." She says with a confident smile. "But as incredible as I am, she's always been better. I realized that through most of high school I was largely a back up singer. Which is what I am now. I can either make peace with being a back up singer, because that takes talent too and I'm proud of it, or I can be brave and take a leap."

"Record your own songs finally?"

Mercedes smiles. "I might give it a try."

The men hug her, offering their support. When they get to the hospital, Mercedes hangs back. Blaine squeezes her hand. "How about we go in and see her, then we'll back out and give you a little time with her?"

"Okay."

Relieved he won't have to wait, Kurt heads into her room. Unsurprisingly, she's asleep. He really shouldn't be surprised who is sitting next to her. He laughs quietly. "You beat us here?"

Aunt Shelby smirks at him. "Of course I did. I left right after you guys performed. You were great, by the way."

"Of course we were." Santana smirks back.

Kurt feels calmer now that he's back in New York and has gotten to see Rachel again. She's doing just fine. Once everyone else has found the same peace, they head home. They all hug Mercedes on their way out.

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"Oh, God." Rachel groans teasingly. "I'm actually dying, aren't I."

Mercedes snorts. "Shut up. I know it's been a while."

Rachel grins up at her and Mercedes' heart tugs. They hug for a long moment. "I'm sorry, Diva. I'm sorry—"

"You don't have to apologize for anything." Rachel promises her. "You have a fantastic life that is taking you all around the world. Of course you couldn't get here sooner. I get it." Then she grins. "That being said, if you had never come see me, I'd have felt a little different. But here you are."

Mercedes gives a wet laugh. "Here I am. Any change?"

Rachel gives a one shoulder shrug. "Nope. My numbers aren't dropping anymore, but they're also not rising."

"Is….is that a good thing?"

"It's not terrible, but it's not what we're hoping for. It could still change."

She nods. "At any moment. I heard your youngest cousin is coming to visit you soon."

"Yeah. They were going to bring him a while ago, but I had a fever and they had to limit visitors for a little while. Then it was close to his school year ending and I'm holding steady, so we delayed it. And now, I'm hoping I start getting better, which could happen at any moment. My numbers stopped dropping so we're hopeful they'll start going up soon. Then when he comes I can say 'See? It's working. You saved me.'"

"And if that doesn't happen?"

"Then I'll convince him it's okay." She shifts so she's sitting up more. "Visiting hours will end soon. Tell me more about what you've been up to."

Her eyes are shining bright. For a moment, Mercedes can't respond. Through everything, Rachel is still so full of life and positivity that it takes her breath away. Then she smiles warmly and starts excitedly chattering about the places she's been and stages she's performed on. It's obvious when Rachel begins to tire, so Mercedes brings it to an end.

"I should get going. But I'm really glad I got to see you. I'll come again soon, alright?"

Mercedes stands, only for Rachel to reach out and grab her hand, stalling her. "Wait. You haven't given up, have you? On your dream?"

Something in her eyes tells Mercedes that there is only one correct answer. She's not sure why it matters so much to her friend, but she responds confidently. "No. I haven't given up. I delayed it for a while. I'm considering this practice before I start my own solo career."

"Good." Rachel gives her a wide smile. "I love you, 'Cedes."

Mercedes hugs her tight. "I love you too, Rach."

Leaving was even harder than going.

She wasn't expecting that.

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Rachel develops another fever. Not a bad one, but enough that they decide to limit visitors for a few days. Even after the fever is gone, they recommend it. During those days, Finn stayed steadfast by her side. While she had the fever, he kept putting damp cloths on her forehead. After, he let himself sleep. Rachel watches him twist in his sleep, his expression twitching and incoherent mumbles slipping out of his mouth. She pushes herself up more so she can reach him, running her fingers through his sweaty hair and down his face.

"Finn?" His brow burrows but he stays asleep. She hesitates. While she wants him to keep sleeping, he seems upset. "Finn."

He jerks awake with a gasp, his eyes wide and frantic. They land on her and instant tears fill his eyes. "Rach?"

"I'm here. Take a breath. Was it a nightmare?"

He blinks at her owlishly before reality sinks in and he calms. He roughly rubs his face. "Uh….yeah."

"I'm sorry." He tries to wave her apology away, but she's positive what his nightmare was about. She catches his hand and tugs on it. "C'mere."

He goes willingly, following her gentle tugs until he's on the bed with her. She pulls him down so his head is on her chest and he can hear her heartbeat, knowing it'll calm him. He makes sure he's not lying on her chest port, then curls into her in a way he doesn't often do. Usually it's her curling into him. She runs her fingers through his hair and down his back, humming softly. They stay like that for a long while. She doesn't comment on the teardrops on her hospital gown. He needs a bigger release than this. When he's ready, he sits up, pausing long enough to kiss her.

"Hey. Do me a favor?"

"Anything." He promises.

That's exactly what she was hoping he'd say. "Go vent. If you won't let yourself vent here with me, go where you can do it. You need to do it."

"Rachel—"

"No, listen to me." She pushes herself up. "I know it's more me than you who vents by singing, but you would occasionally at home. Have you been?"

He shrugs awkwardly. "A bit."

She looks at him doubtfully. "A bit? How? You're hardly home. You're mostly here with me. And since you didn't go to the benefit and get to sing out your emotions then, you should go do that. Go home. Go to the music room and sing. If you don't want to sing, then go to a rage room or go work out or something. They have therapists here if you want to talk to someone not in the family. Or better yet, go talk to family."

"I talk to you." He says quietly.

"You do, but I also know you're holding back."

He lifts his head with a frown. "I'm not—"

"Maybe not holding back from me. Maybe you're holding back from yourself. But you're not releasing your emotions as much as you need to these days. This nightmare kind of makes that obvious. Wanna talk about it?"

His seat creaks as he leans back in it. "Not really. Not now, at least."

"Alright. I won't push. But you do need to vent. And Finn…I may be stuck in this bed and sleeping a lot, but you do know you can still vent to me, right?"

"I know. I swear."

"You don't have to hold back from me. I can take it."

"I know you can. But I don't want to—" He trails off.

She shakes her head slowly. "I know. But I worry about you as much as you worry about me."

He stands. "I know. I love you. Stop worrying about me and let me worry about you. You can worry about me later, when you're better. I promise I'll find a way to vent."

"Soon?"

"Soon." He promises. He even gives her the crooked smile she loves so much. "But right now, I'm gonna go get coffee. Want anything while I'm out?"

"No thank you."

He kisses her again and leaves. Rachel slumps back onto the bed with a heavy sigh. She groans when the room begins to tilt. She's sick of being sick. She's sick of this room. Staying positive is getting harder and harder to do. But she won't stop. For their sakes. For them.

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"—all the way to the top. I've never seen him jump so high." Finn laughs. "That's really freaking high."

He's on the bed with Rachel. She's leaning against his side. The discarded pile of playing cards from their disbanded game is on the table nearby. They'd been playing until she'd gotten a bad headache and wanted to return to the bed. He'd stayed silent until the meds kicked in, then he'd sung to her. He was surprised she stayed awake after that. So instead, he started telling her about how Yero somehow managed to jump up and hit the box of treats that was leaning over the edge of the refrigerator, knocking it off and getting into it.

Rachel doesn't respond. Frowning, he looks down. Her hand is gripping his shirt. Her feet are shifting slightly in clear discomfort. But it's the look on her face that brings him up cold.

"Rach?"

She starts breathing in short, harsh bursts. Finn goes on edge.

"Babe?"

A cross between a groan and hum leaves her lips. "Ff-inn."

"What is it?"

"Some—something doesn't…..feel right."

He moves as fast as he can without jostling her. He turns and hits the call button. Then he wraps his arms around her. "It's alright. You're alright."

With her breathing still off, she shakes her head. "No." She gasps out. "Finn. Something's—"

"It's okay." He tries to reassure her.

"S-something's o-off." She utters.

Nurse Dawn hurries into the room. "What's going on?"

"She said—"

And then Rachel makes an odd sound; a cross between a moan and a gasp. Blood begins to drip out of her nose. Finn grabs a tissue to catch the blood, even knowing it probably won't be enough. Almost all of the nosebleeds she's gotten since the transplant have resulted in her needing a blood transfusion. The nurse grabs a cloth and hands it to him instead. Rachel opens her mouth.

"Finn."

A stream of blood pours from her mouth. Finn moves the cloth down to wipe it up, but doing so resulted in a heavier wave of blood from her nose. He quickly moves the cloth back up to block her nose. Rachel tries to move her head away, her mouth open as she breathes heavily. More blood seeps from her mouth.

Finn addresses the nurse. "She said something felt off."

"Rachel," Nurse Dawn tries to get her attention "Rachel, what feels off? Are you dizzy? Are you in pain?"

Still breathing hard, Rachel spits out a mouthful of blood. Dawn presses her stethoscope to Rachel's chest and listens carefully. She frowns at the monitors.

"Rachel, can you tell—"

Finn is looking down at Rachel so he sees it first. A drop of blood appears at the corner of her eye, grows, then drips down her cheek. Dawn cuts her own question off and stares at it. A second drop replaces the first. Then blood begins dripping from her other eye. Finn's stomach sinks so fast that he experiences a swooping sensation. Blood is coming from her mouth, nose, and eyes. Above them a monitor blips. Her heart rate. It's spiking. Rachel turns her head more and a new splash of red catches Finn's attention. Blood is dripping from her ear. Based on Dawn's expression, it's coming from her other ear as well. The nurse's mouth falls open slightly, then she jogs to the door and shouts into the hallway.

"I need help in here! Get a doctor!"

Rachel is clinging to him even as her body starts shaking. He presses a kiss to her head. "I love you. I love you. I love you so much."

"Sir, you need to step back! Now!"

Finn scrambles off the bed but is halted from backing away by her hands still gripping his shirt.

"F-fiinnn—"

Breathing hard and trying to contain his own panic, Finn takes her hands and starts carefully trying to get her to let go of the fabric. "It's okay. You're okay."

Two more nurses and Dr. Preston run into the room and swarm the bed. Finn is shoved back to make room for them. Rachel's grip is abruptly separated from his shirt. the sudden release makes him stumble back and he hits the wall behind him. His eyes never leave his wife. For a moment, her hand remains in the air, reaching for him. Instinctively, he reaches for her. His hand is knocked into by a nurse jogging past. They're talking fast. The medical jargon is going over his head. He recognizes a few words but everything is happening so fast that he can't quite put them together to figure out what's going on. Alarms start blaring from her monitors, adding to the cacophony in the room. They've lowered the bed so she's flat on her back, an oxygen mask pressed over her mouth and nose. She's still shaking. Trails of blood cover most of her face. It's still coming from her eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. Another alarm starts angrily beeping at them. They unhook her from the monitors and unlock the wheels on her bed. Moving fast, they push the bed out the door.

Finn pushes himself off the wall behind him, his feet tripping as he stumbles after them. He staggers into the hall to see them running as fast as they can while shouting instructions. He moves to follow when a hand presses against his chest, stopping him.

"You can't follow. Stay here." A nurse tells him.

He doesn't even look at her. He can't. His eyes are glued on the bed being rushed out of his sight.

"I need to—"

"You need to stay here. Let them help her. Stay here." The nurse says firmly.

Not knowing what he should be doing, he goes back into the not empty hospital room. He stands in the center of the room and tries to get his heart rate back down to normal.

"Some—something doesn't…..feel right."

"F-fiinnn—"

Her hand in the air, reaching for him.

His own breaths are coming in gasps now. Slowly, he settles into a chair. With no bed beside it, he's just staring into an empty space. He flops forward, his head in his hands and his foot bouncing in agitation.

"Please. God, please." He utters into the silent room. "Don't take her from me."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The halls of the hospital are familiar. As familiar to them as the hospital in Lima. They know their way around; the best vending machines, best bathrooms, best waiting rooms, and quickest paths to Rachel's room. Kurt and Blaine are carrying dinner for all of them. Rachel hasn't been eating much lately, but he's hoping to entice her with this. As they turn the corner to her hallway, they slow their steps. He glances at his husband and they share a long look. Lately, they've been using the final few feet before getting to her door to make sure they are entering her room with smiles, their heads up, and calm, positive attitudes. Shoulders back and heads up, smiles firmly in place, they step into her hospital room. Only to immediately come to an abrupt halt.

She's not there. More than that, her entire bed is gone. Kurt's heart drops. Their eyes settle on Finn, the only occupant in the room. He's sitting in his usual chair, which looks odd with no bed beside him. He's hunched forward and digging his fingers into his hair. His knuckles are white from clenching tufts of hair. A fleeting worry of Finn actually pulling out his hair crosses his mind before his mouth can move to ask the far more pressing question.

"Where is she?"

"What happened?"

Kurt and Blaine's questions overlap. Finn lifts his head. Kurt is forced to take a step back from the wounded look in his red rimmed eyes.

"They took her." His voice is rough and flat.

The bag of food slips unnoticed from his fingers. He takes a step closer to his stepbrother."What do you mean 'they took her'? Where is my sister, Finn?!"

"I don't know."

"I-I don't—" Blaine stammers.

Finn sits up only to slump backwards in the chair. "She said something felt off. She started bleeding from her nose, mouth, eyes, and ears."

"Why?"

"I don't know." Finn bites out. "The alarms started blaring and they rushed her out of here. No one's come to tell me anything."

The three men stay perfectly still in complete silence for a long moment. When Kurt feels like he can move, he takes the seat next to Finn. Blaine takes the seat across from them. They all stare at the empty space between them where Rachel's bed should be.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Time feels meaningless. His leg was bouncing in agitation for a while, but now he sits as still and silent as a statue. Finn has no idea how long it's been. He's grateful for his brothers' presence, but the only way he'll stop feeling so cold and like he's just drifting along aimlessly is when Rachel is back by his side. He needs her. His mind is racing through memories, trying to find something that could explain what's happening. All three men jump up when orderlies push Rachel's bed back into the room. She's unconscious. That much is obvious. He hopes she's just sleeping. No one speaks as the bed is pushed back into position. Kurt kicks the bag of discarded food out of the way. A nurse reconnects the monitors and repositions the IV tree before leaving. Dr. Preston walks in with a somber expression.

"What happened?"

Finn is glad Kurt asked. He can't seem to make his vocal cords work. He also doesn't want to look away from his wife. Rachel is incredibly pale; more so than she has been lately. Dr. Preston takes the open seat next to Blaine.

"There were a couple things that could have caused this. If it was a brain clot or an aneurysm, there was a chance we needed to perform immediate life saving services. A clot would require special type of delicate treatment to prevent it from getting worse and causing more severe issues. We took her for a CT scan first to rule those two out and by then we had her stabilized. Unfortunately, the MRI was delayed because she had a moderate attack just as we were putting her in the machine.

"I should have been there." The words tumble out of Finn's mouth. Only now does he look up at the doctor. "I could have helped keep her calm and reassured her. I should have been allowed to stay with her."

"Mr. Hudson, we truly didn't know what was going on. To be frank, there's a good chance you would have been in the way. We know how to help her through attacks."

The thought of Rachel going through all that without anyone who loves her around her upsets him, as he's sure it upset her. And he hates that. Unfortunately, he does see the doctor's point.

"So what was it? Brain clot or aneurysm?"

"Neither. We have diagnosed her with thrombocytopenia, which is essentially severely low platelet count. After a bone marrow transplant, it is common for the platelet count to drop significantly, which can make blood clotting much harder. When platelets are too low, like in Rachel's case, even minor trauma can cause a lot of bleeding or spontaneous bleeding can occur. That's what happened here. Spontaneous bleeding caused by low platelet count. And since her count is dangerously low, the bleed was severe and from multiple orifices."

"What do we do now?"

"More blood transfusions and we'll be adding a new drug to her regiment for a while; one that helps increase platelets. And we'll be checking her blood counts every few hours to be safe, instead of every day like we've been doing."

Kurt shifts in his seat. "What…um…what does this mean…..for her?"

The doctor is silent a moment and looks down. A shiver goes down Finn's back. Dr. Preston's expression is carefully neutral when he faces them again.

"On the one hand, it makes it harder for her body to fight."

Finn closes his eyes and drops his head for a moment before the first part of the doctor's sentence registers. Then he looks to the doctor.

"You said 'on the one hand'."

Dr. Preston nods. "On the other hand, this could explain why the transplant hasn't appeared to work yet."

"Appeared?" Blaine questions. "So….it could actually be working?"

The doctor nods.

"I'm confused." Kurt admits.

"From what we've seen, Rachel's platelet count has been dropping since the transplant. Her numbers have been dropping since before the transplant. Now, her numbers aren't going up but they're at least holding steady. Then this happened and we were able to identify the thrombocytopenia, which as I already said is severely low platelet count. It is very possible that the transplant did work and Oliver's donated marrow is helping her body create her own red blood cells and platelets."

Finn is frowning hard. "Then why—" It hits him like a punch in the gut. "—the thrombocytopenia. It's dropping her count. But the transplant—"

Dr. Preston nods. "Worked. And her body is creating its own cells and platelets. It's possible it has been all along, but we couldn't tell because the thrombocytopenia was dropping her count so much. There's a chance the two have been battling it out this whole time. A vicious battle of tug of war."

Finn barely hopes to believe. "So….if we can control or fix the thrombocytopenia, then it won't be bringing her count down anymore and her body will be able to start healing. She'll start getting better."

"Yes. It is possible." Dr. Preston looks down at Rachel for a moment before addressing them again. "It's the best case scenario and very possible. However, Rachel's body is very weak and we don't know how long it'll take to heal the thrombocytopenia. If it takes a long time, or if the medications don't help, then to be honest, there'll be nothing else we can do. Except make her comfortable."

"She'll die?" Blaine asks quietly.

"Yes. That's what it comes down to now. If we're right and the transplant worked and we just haven't been able to tell because of the thrombocytopenia, and the medications work to correct it, then she'll start getting better soon. Best case scenario. If we're wrong and the transplant didn't work, then she will not survive. Especially with this added on. That's the worst case scenario. Then there's the middle ground; the possibility that the transplant worked, but her body is too weak to fight the thrombocytopenia and the medications take too long or have no effect. In which case, she won't make it."

For a moment, they're silent as they absorb all of this. Kurt clears his throat. "When will we know which is more likely?"

"When we see how her body responds to the new medication."

"How long will that take?"

"I truly don't know. I'm sorry. As soon as we know more, we'll inform you. I promise. But right now, everything is still very uncertain. The fact is, Rachel could survive this. However, just going by the data we have at the moment, Rachel is dying. Either she has to hold on until something changes for the better or the medication needs to work quickly so she can start healing."

"And there's not way of knowing….." Finn trials off, unable to finish his question.

"No. It could still go either way."

He barely listens as the doctor expresses his apologies and makes his retreat. Once the room is silent again, he takes Rachel's hand. It's cold. He rubs it between both of his to warm it. They sit in silence, just holding her hands and watching her breathe.

"She's dying." Kurt mutters quietly.

"We already knew that." Finn points out dully. "We just weren't talking about it."

"How is it we can be told we now have more hope of her survival but be more scared and uncertain than ever?" Blaine questions, shaking his head slowly.

"Because of that uncertainty. It could still go either way."

Kurt rubs his eyes. "Blaine's right. I feel better and worse at the same time. She's dying. But there's more hope than before that she could survive. Uncertainty sucks."

It's another three hours before she wakes. It's a slow process. But then, finally, her brown eyes meet Finn's and he feels like he can breathe easy again. He smiles crookedly at her.

"Hey."

"Hi." She closes her eyes again and rubs a hand over them before seeing the other two.

"How are you feeling?"

"Heavy. Tired. A little dizzy. Very thirsty." She cringes. "I taste blood."

"Here. We'll brush your teeth and get that taste out, okay?"

Finn heads to the bathroom to grab the needed supplies. Once she was admitted to the hospital, he brought in a simple toothbrush holder and bought both him and Rachel new toothbrushes to keep in it. The simple act of keeping their toothbrushes together weirdly made him feel a little better. He grabs hers, the toothpaste, and a bowl. He fills the bowl with some water. Back in the room, the brothers have already raised her bed so she's sitting up. They also switched her to a nasal cannula. Finn sits on the bed and helps her brush her teeth. She's thankfully gotten over the embarrassment of sometimes needing someone to do it for her. Most of the time she can do it herself. But occasionally, like right now, she's just too tired or unwell and lets someone else do it for her. Finn is glad she no longer gets upset about it. Her eyelids are already drooping by the time he's done. Luckily she manages to spit out and rinse her mouth on her own. Blaine helps her drink some water while Finn puts the brush supplies away. She stays awake a little longer so they talk until she falls asleep. Finn slumps back in his seat and rubs a hand over his face while releasing a long breath.

"She's okay." Kurt says quietly.

"I know." He insists. But for how long? He sits up. "I'll call Shelby."

Kurt nods. "I'll call Dad."

"I'll stay in case she wakes up again." Blaine promises.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Over the next several days, they watch carefully but there's no change. Her numbers remain steady. Steadily low. They still believe that the donated marrow is what's preventing them from dropping more. There's a fierce battle going on inside her. It becomes more and more obvious and the days go by. She has more spontaneous bleeds, but none as bad as the first. The parents come to visit. They've been coming more often. Shelby especially, since the school year is over. The rest of the family call or text but don't want to overwhelm her or be in the way. Especially since she mostly sleeps these days. Finn had been getting better about spending more time at home or just out of the hospital over the past month. Ever since the thrombocytopenia diagnosis, he hasn't been able to leave. He's terrified of walking away and getting a call. The others bring him clothes, food, and whatever else he needs. They come to keep him company as much as they're there for Rachel. He hopes they know how much he appreciates it. After this is all over and Rachel is better, he'll find a way to express it. Right now he doesn't have the energy to care about anything but her.

He's been alone all day. Rachel had an attack and a bad bleed right after, so she's been passed out for hours. The others are all busy and he doesn't want to disturb them. They have lives to live. His life is in the bed one foot in front of him. A knock on the door pulls him from his thoughts. Dr. McCann walks in holding a file. Finn straightens up. He watches as the doctor checks on Rachel before taking a seat.

"We need to talk."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If she never ever wakes to the sounds of a hospital again, she'll be very happy. While Rachel is used to all the sounds of the hospital and can mostly drown them out, she hates them. Especially when she first wakes up. It's an instant reminder that she's still sick. Despite all the things not going well, her hair is growing back. Slowly but steadily. She wishes her numbers would start growing slowly but steadily. Hair regrowth should be a sign of healing and recovery. For her, it's not. It's just a sign that she's done with chemo. She has a light covering of very short fine hairs over her scalp. And yet she's weaker than ever. It doesn't seem right. Instead of the hair making her happy, the incongruity of her health and her hair growth upsets her. Still, she's more willing to go without a scarf or beanie these days. Not all the time, but sometimes.

Rachel opens her eyes. Finn is the only other occupant in the room. He's standing at the window, looking out into the city. She can only see his back; she hates not being able to read his expression. He's struggling more lately. She's seen it. She's heard it. If she can read his expression and determine his emotional state, she can adjust how she responds to certain things to make it easier on him. Or at least she tires. Sometimes it can't be helped. While she can't see his face, she does her best to read his body language. He's standing very still. His shoulders are drooped. Oddly, his fingers are completely still. Usually when he's upset or agitated his fingers are moving or balled into fists. They're not now. They're hanging loose and perfectly still. She frowns, trying to figure out what that implies. Something about it doesn't sit right with her. Before she can speak, something catches her eye. There are papers sitting on his empty chair. From this angle, she can't make out much. However, one word jumps out at her clear as day. Hospice. It's in bold at the top of the page. She reaches for the pile on the chair. The soft crinkle of papers is a whisper, but in this silent room it may as well have been a bang. It causes Finn to turn to look at her. The look on his face has her dropping the papers and her mouth falling open.

"Finn—"

Panic flashes on his face and he practically lunges towards her. He snatches the papers off the chair before freezing. The papers are crushed in his fist. He's breathing hard. Her heart clenches for him and what he's going through. She wishes she could make this easier for him. She allows her face to settle into a calm, understanding expression.

"Finn."

"Don't worry about that. It won't happen."

"Finn—"

"It won't." They stare at one another in tense silence before Finn backs down, his eyes cast downward. He doesn't look at her. It's like he can't look at her. After another moment, he mumbles out more of an explanation. "It's a possibility. But no matter what, we're not there now."

Seeing the strain he's under, she decides not to push. Yet. She speaks soothingly, wanting to make this easier on him. "Okay."

Moving awkwardly, he tries to flatten out the papers without letting her see more of what they say. She looks away, letting him do what he needs. While he finds a place to put the papers out of sight (and out of her reach), she thinks about this new development. It surprises her that she's not surprised. She's upset, but she's also…..a little relieved. It's not the end she wants. But it's an end and that thought offers a little relief. You can stop fighting now. Part of her, a small and silent part of her, yearns to hear him say those words to her. But she knows he won't. Her husband takes his usual seat. He's still not looking at her. She waits patiently, giving him all the time he needs. After a couple minutes, he takes her hand. She interlocks their fingers. His eyes are trained on their joined hands. When he speaks, his words are low, rough, and quiet.

"You're gonna be fine."

She's not sure she believes that anymore. She doesn't lie to her husband, ever. But in this moment, she knows she needs to. For his sake.

"I know."

The muscles around his mouth tense and tremble. His eyes become bloodshot with the effort of holding back tears. Using her free hand, Rachel reaches up to cup his cheek. He tilts his head, pressing his face into her palm, his expression pinched. His breathing becomes short, quiet gasps. Tears run down her hand and drip off his chin. Her heart breaks for him. She knows for a fact that if their roles were reversed she'd be a sobbing mess every damn day. He's stronger than her. But even the strong need a chance to break once in a while. Her own tears slip silently down her own face. Rachel releases his hand and raises it to his other cheek. She guides him closer and he follows willingly. With their foreheads pressed together, Finn breaks completely. He presses his forehead to her neck. She wraps her hands around his head and runs her fingers through his hair soothingly. She leans her head against the top of his. After a couple minutes, his shoulders stop shaking and he sits up.

"I'm sorry." He chokes out.

Rachel shakes her head. "No. Finn, you have nothing to apologize for. I love you."

She kisses him. His returning kiss takes her breath away. It's the kind of kiss that's less lips to lips and more heart to heart. He pulls back and watches silently, making sure she's able to catch her breath. He strokes her cheek, wiping away the remnants of tears.

"I love you, too. Forever."

Her heart jumps and twists at the same time. She manages a smile. "Forever."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That night they have a movie night in her room. They put on a movie and everyone either crowded on the bed with her or dragged in more chairs to sit on. The guys even made popcorn. Rachel sits between Santana and Brittany on the bed and laughs with the others at the funny scene. While no one spoke of it, their hugs hello were a little longer and their casual touches lingered. That let her know that Finn told them. About the possibility. Just a possibility. Dr. McCann came by and explained it in more depth with her. She could still get better. It's just a matter of what's stronger; the combination of donated marrow and drugs, or the thrombocytopenia and aplastic anemia. She falls asleep before the movie ends but she doesn't mind. She drifts off feeling San and Britt pressed against her and hearing the others laughing at the movie. They needed a night like this.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the morning, she wakes to find Finn holding her. He's asleep. Rachel uses the opportunity to observe him closely. Her stomach twists. He looks like crap. He has bags under his eyes. He looks older than ever; worn out. She uses her fingers to gently trace his face. He wakes quickly and smiles down at her.

"Morning."

She smiles at him. "Good morning." Then, she follows her gut. "I need you to do something for me."

"Anything."

"Do you remember the promise we made to one another when this all started?"

"We made a few…" He hedges nervously.

She nods slowly. "Yeah, but I think you know which one I'm talking about. I upheld my end, Finn. It's time for you to uphold yours." He stares at her. "Go home."

"What?" His smile is completely gone.

"Go home. Finn, you haven't left the hospital in over a week. It's not good for you. You need to take care of yourself. Shower, eat a meal with some friends, watch a football game or movie, and sleep in our bed. Rest and recuperate. Don't come back until tomorrow morning."

She hates that she's short of breath by the end. She does her best to regulate her breathing, hoping against hope she doesn't need to switch to a mask. It'll be harder to get him to leave if she does.

"Are you serious?"

"Very." She looks around for a clock. "What time is it?"

He hesitates to answer. "It's ten in the morning."

"Okay, I don't want you to return until 10am tomorrow." He opens his mouth to respond but she holds up a finger, stopping him. It also gives her a moment to just breathe so she doesn't sound as out of breath. "And I don't mean you're out in the hall or in a waiting room or downstairs in the cafeteria, I mean you don't come back to the hospital at all until 10am tomorrow."

"Rachel, I'm not leaving for twenty-four hours. That's ridiculous."

"I won't be alone. The others will be here. Plus Mom's coming."

"I don't care. Look, I get what you're saying and why, and I'll leave. I promise. I'll leave later today after someone gets here. Then I'll go home and walk Yero and shower and have a good meal and then I'll come back. Alright?"

She almost caves in. While she doesn't want to upset him, he needs a real break. He needs to take better care of himself. She shakes her head. "Finn, we promised. We promised we'd take care of ourselves. We promised—" She stops talking to take just breathe for a moment, but makes it seem more like a dramatic pause to not concern him. When she feels like she can talk without getting winded, she goes on but talks a little slower. "We promised each other we'd do everything we could to take care of ourselves. And we promised to call each other out if we didn't think the other was upholding their end. I have done everything I need to do. I rest and I ask for the things I need."

"I get what I need."

Her lips twitch. "Spending time me with me isn't the only thing you need."

His shoulder moves in a half shrug and gives her a slight smile. "I guess we'll just disagree on that."

She smiles widely for a moment and he smiles back. Again, she almost caves in. But he needs a break. He needs to take care of himself. She traces his smile with her finger. He kisses it. Her own smile becomes smaller but still loving. "Go home, Finn. You've been taking wonderful care of me. Now, go take care of yourself."

He's silent a moment. Then, he sits up and grabs the oxygen mask hanging on the corner of her bed. He helps her switch the nasal cannula over. Damn. She failed at hiding her breathlessness. She thought she hid it well enough that she sounded normal, just a little quieter and softer.

"Rach, I…"

He trails off and doesn't finish his statement. Not that it matters. She knows what he was going to say. They stare into one another's eyes for a long moment. She waits to see if he continues talking. When he doesn't, she gives a final push.

"I'll be fine. I promise I'll still be here tomorrow, waiting here for you."

His eyes change; a look of despair with a hint of fear drowns out the wariness from before. She hit his fear right on the head. His jaw clenches and he looks away. If he doesn't agree, she'll have to call on the others to help out. She doesn't want that. She wants him to go willingly. She wants him to go for her. He turns back and releases a heavy sigh.

"Alright. I'll go. But not right now."

"Finn—"

"No. I'll leave after you're breathing better and after someone else comes."

"It's okay for me to be alone for a little while."

He eyes her. "Fine. But I'm still not going until you're breathing better."

She smiles. "Okay."

They hold hands and sit in silence, giving Rachel time to get her breathing back to normal. A mild attack interrupts her progress and sets her back. He squeezes her hand through it, then kisses her head after it ends. She plays with his fingers. Finally, half an hour later, her breathing is back to normal. She switches back to the nasal cannula. He kisses her softly, then again more firmly.

"I love you."

"I love you."

She grins at him, knowing how much he needs it. "See you tomorrow."

His responding grin isn't 100% convincing, but at least he's trying. "See you tomorrow."

With a final kiss, he leaves. Rachel adjusts the bed and gets more comfortable but is careful to keep her expression and actions relaxed and casual. She's certain he's watching. Because of course he's watching to make sure she's actually okay with him leaving her alone. There's a small window in the corner of the room that opens into the hallway. On the other side, in the hallway, is a small desk where a nurse sits. In that spot, the nurse can look into her room and into the room next to hers to monitor patients without needing to actually come into the room. For the most part, the nurses keep the blinds on the window closed to give her privacy, only occasionally peeking in. She's never alone and frankly her loved ones are better at taking care of her than the nurses are, so the nurses don't have to keep an eye on her 24/7. Finn is probably watching through that. Wanting him to be comfortable leaving, she grabs her latest book off the nightstand and settles in comfortably to read. She falls into the story and doesn't realize nearly a half hour has past until she's several chapters in and reaches for a sip of water. She glances at the window. No one. A glance at the open door reveals it to be empty as well. It's very very rare that she's left completely alone. It was different when she had to be isolated because of her poor immune system. Since leaving that room, she's almost always had someone with her. It's not often she's alone, especially not for long.

She sets the book down and lets herself think about her situation. It sucks. She's dying. But she could still get better at any time. It's more hope than she had when she was sixteen and that turned out well. So maybe this will, too. She hopes. She really, really wants to live. She wants to have kids with Finn and watch them grow up. She wants to perform on Broadway again. She wants to record her own songs. She wants to be a part of her loved ones lives. But she's tired. So very tired. And she's been fighting for so long. Not just this time. Combining every time she was sick, it's been a long time. A lot of fighting. A lot of suffering. And without a cure, there's always the chance of this coming back at any time. The idea of this happening again in the future, whether in months or years, terrifies her to her core. Rachel shakes those thoughts away; the future doesn't matter if she doesn't have a future. Right now, she is dying. It's possible that the BMT is what's keeping her alive. Barely, but it's working. Her body, however, is not.

It's not until a tear slips down her cheek and she realizes how heavy her heart is that she realizes she's already made her decision.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby smiles and runs her hand over her daughter's head. Every time she sees her there's a little more hair. As happy as she knows it makes Rachel, as well as the rest of them, she also knows her daughter well enough to know it doesn't just make her happy. It also upsets her that her hair is growing back but her body is still failing. It's not fair. Hospice. She shakes her head. It's just a possibility. She remembers when the doctors told her about hospice when Rachel was sixteen. And then things happened so fast there wasn't time. Then she miraculously got better. She needs another miracle.

Rachel takes in a deep breath and opens her eyes. She immediately smiles at her. "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, baby girl. Where's Finn? I was surprised to find you alone."

"I sent him home."

"Oh?" That's a surprise.

"He needs it. He looks like crap. He stopped taking care of himself."

Shelby sighs. "Honey, I hate to say it, but he probably won't be at 100% until you are better."

The moment the words leave her mouth she regrets it. They were just told she may require hospice, she is dying, and here she is saying her husband won't be okay until she is. If Rachel dies, Finn will not be okay. It's true, but it's not what Rachel needs to focus on. Thankfully, Rachel merely nods and looks down.

"I know. But we promised each other at the start that we'd take care of ourselves and that we could call the other out if we didn't think they were upholding their end. He's not. So I called him out on it."

"I'm surprised he agreed."

"I'd didn't really give him a choice." Rachel admits with a grin.

Shelby chuckles. "Good. But can I give you a piece of advice? It's just advice. You can take it or leave it."

"Okay."

"Once he returns, don't ask him to leave again. Let it be his choice. At least until you're better."

Rachel thinks that over, then slowly nods. "Okay."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He gets back from his run with Yero and takes a shower. Normally he rushes through his showers to get back to the hospital quickly. Now, he takes his time. He bows his head and lets the hot water pound on his neck and back. He turns and presses his hand to the wall. In that moment, he is hit by memories of the times he showered with Rachel. The feeling of her lathering up his hair for him, her nails scraping his scalp. How she'd work in a massage just to make him feel good. He opens his eyes and for a split second expects to see her standing before him naked and grinning. The good days. The really good days. Life was amazing for a while there. Being in the shower is no longer soothing. He shuts off the water and steps out. Once he's dressed he debates calling her or at least texting her, but doesn't want to risk waking her if she's asleep. He checks his phone anyway. There's two missed messages. One is from Shelby saying he's staying with Rachel and all is well. The other is from Rachel saying that she loves him and hopes he lets himself relax.

He shoves the phone in his pocket and wanders his home, feeling uneasy. He's been in his home without Rachel there many times. He's been here alone many times. This time feels different, he's just not sure how. He stops pacing and looks at the photos on the walls. Photos of their wedding, honeymoon, and other nice photos of loved ones adorn their walls. Especially in this main hallway. When they were decorating, Rachel said she wanted to walk down this hall and see happy memories. He walks slowly down the hall, looking at each one. He stops at the photo of them on their wedding day, dancing in the woods. What if she never comes back here? His breath is pulled from his lungs. No. He can't think like that. She could start getting better at any moment. Just like she did years ago. Finn walks away from the photos, unwilling to look at any more. Instead, he grabs an apple from the kitchen before heading to his small office. He sets the apple on his desk and checks his email. He reaches for the apple blindly and hits it, knocking it off the desk. It rolls several feet away, only stopping when it hits where the wall meets the bookshelf. With a sigh, he stands to get it. He grabs the apple and corner of a piece of paper is sticking out from behind the bookshelf.

Frowning, Finn carefully grabs the paper by it's corner. It takes a few tries to grasp it and get it out. Once he does, it doesn't take long for him to realize what it is. Paperwork from planning her big five years of being in remission party. The words on the paper blur before him. A mix of fury and despair washes over him. He crumples the paper, crushing it between his hands. Breathing harshly, he drops it into the small trashcan in the corner of the room.

It didn't last.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel feels weird. She's always tired, but this kind of tired feels different somehow. Heavier. She's not sure if it's a physical change and a sign that her body is failing even more, or if it's an emotional reaction to going this long without seeing Finn. He's gone out before, even for a few hours, but not this long. Even though she slept most of the day, she feels weaker than usual as the day goes on. Her chest feels weird; like a very very mild form of a mild attack. To be safe, she doesn't talk much to her visitors. Her mom went out to dinner with Kurt and Blaine (with her encouragement) so Santana came to sit with her. She vaguely remembers her mom kissing her cheek and saying she loved her before leaving. She also kind of remembers San running her hand over her head, feeling the dark fuzz that's been growing. It covers more of her scalp now, and is slowly growing thicker. So now when people run their hands over her head, it's finally starting to feel like having her hair played with again. It's nice to be able to experience that again, even to this small extent. She rolls over and looks to Santana. The woman is listening to music and getting work done on her computer.

"San?"

The Latina immediately stops what she's doing and looks over at her. "Yeah?"

It takes her a moment to remember what she'd wanted to ask. "I don't want to disturb Finn tonight."

San starts laughing. "Babe, you can't disturb him ever."

"You know what I mean. If he's asleep or venting or relaxing, I don't want to interrupt it. I know he'll drop everything to talk to me."

Santana's smile dims. "Yeah, you're right."

"I don't know what time I'll wake up in the morning, but….can you ask Finn to bring my songbook when he comes?"

Her brow furrows. "Why?"

She gives a one shoulder shrug. "I wanna write stuff down. Ideas. I want to get the notes down while I'm thinking of them."

"Alright. I'll ask him tomorrow morning."

"Thanks, San." Santana nods. Then she frowns and her body language shows her hesitance. "What is it?"

"How are you feeling?"

She's asked that frequently. This time, however, her tone is different. Like she's probing deeper. "Tired. Heavy. Weird pain in my chest still."

San already knew the chest thing, because Rachel had told a nurse in front of her mom, who surely relayed the information. "Anything else?"

She's not sure how to answer. The tiredness and heaviness feel different than usual, but she doesn't have the words to explain how. If she says it feels similar to when she was on her deathbed at sixteen, she's just likely to freak them out. But it is getting close to that feeling.

"No." She says instead.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Finn was not willing to take a sedative this time. Even a mild one. He also kept his phone plugged in on his nightstand and the volume all the way up. He sent a "good night, I love you" text to Rachel and she responded with the same (as well as heart and lip emojis). That made him feel better. It still took him a while to fall asleep, but he did manage it. He woke up feeling physically better. As much as he hates being away from her for this long, having a day to go for a run, take a relaxing shower, play video games, go out for dinner and drinks with his friends, and get a good night of rest in his own bed really did help. The updates he got from Shelby and Santana confirmed that Rachel mostly spent the day sleeping. He got up early enough to take Yero for a leisurely walk. They even had time to enjoy the warm summer morning and play in the park before heading home.

He still has over an hour to kill before he can go back to the hospital. He wonders if he can go early and she won't notice. Nah. He doesn't want to risk upsetting her by not fulfilling his promise to the letter. He plops on his couch and Yero joins him, his upper half on his lap. Finn smiles and pets him, but can't help but think of how usually Yero prefers sitting like this with Rachel. But Rachel hasn't been home in months. He misses her. Yero clearly still misses her, even as he has adjusted to her absence. Finn really misses her. Twenty-four hours of not seeing her is too long. He goes through his pictures of her on his phone. He stares at a recent photo of her, where they were snuggling on the bed together. Her beanie is off because she was showing off her hair growth progress. He chuckles at her smile.

As he stares at it, his amusement fades away. The longer he looks at it, the colder he grows; even as his heart rate picks up. Her eyes. They're always so bright and sparkling and full of life. But in this photo, he's not seeing it. Yes, she's smiling. But it doesn't reach her eyes. They don't just look tired; they look dull and sad. That spark of life and hope in them is gone. He sits up straighter and swipes through other photos, going back. He sees it in more photos. In all recent photos. She hasn't had that spark in her eyes in weeks. How had he missed it? He goes back to earlier pictures and compares them just to be sure. It's there in the older pictures. Even from pictures shortly after the transplant, she still had life and hope in her bright eyes. But not the newer ones, ones from the past few weeks. How had he missed it?! Things have been getting worse lately, but he didn't actually think she'd—

Screw waiting. Finn grabs his bag, making sure he has the requested songbook, and books it down to the lobby. He gets to the hospital and finds Shelby sitting with Rachel. He knows Shelby went out to dinner with the brothers, then returned and stayed at the hospital all night. She looks tired and worried. Rachel is asleep.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi, honey."

"Has she woken?"

"Yeah. A mild woke her earlier. It made her short of breath for a while. Then she fell asleep again. She had about a quarter of her breakfast smoothie."

"Thanks. I hate to ask this, but….can you step out? I need to talk to her privately."

"Sure. Call if you need anything."

On her way out the door, Shelby hugs him and kisses his cheek. Finn sets his bag down and settles by the bed. He hesitates, then shakes her awake. She smiles when she sees him. Even though it's a warm, loving smile, he pays more attention to her eyes. His heart twists.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"How was your day yesterday?"

"Good." He admits. "You were right. I needed it. But I missed you."

"I missed you too."

They stare at one another in silence for a moment while Finn works up the courage to start this conversation. He swallows a couple times, his throat feeling uncomfortably dry. Rachel takes his hand and plays with his fingers. After two false starts, he finally speaks.

"You've given up." His voice is low and gravely.

Her fingers stop moving. Her expression shifts. She looks away. When she looks back at him, he knows he's right. His stomach plummets. She pulls her hands away.

We had life in our eyes
And the world was on our side
Speeding along with no map
It was all green lights

"I'm not giving up, Finn. I'm just accepting the inevitable. There's a difference."

"No there's not!"

"There is." She insists. "I'm dying. They already said if things don't change or if my numbers start dropping again, then they'll recommend hospice."

"But we're not there yet!"

It was just you and I
When something dies, doesn't mean that it's over
We're not like them. We don't have to be cold as ice
We could be you and I

"Finn," she sighs heavily "nothing has changed in weeks. Nothing good, anyway."

"They said they think the transplant worked." He reminds her. "And that it's keeping you alive by fighting the thrombocytopenia."

"They did." She acknowledges hesitantly. "But they've been giving me medication for it with no sign of improvement."

So take my hand for the last time
And find my eyes with yours

"It could change! They said that, too! At any moment you could start getting better."

"I could also die at any time."

I'm all out of fight
My heart will always know your name
I'm all out of love
But look at all the love we made
I'm all out of life
Oh, babe, it's killing me to say
I'm all out of love, I'm all out of life, I'm all out of fight

The way she says it brings him up short. She said it as though she expects it. As though she feels it is coming.

"Do you….are you….you feel…." He stammers, unable to voice his question.

"I feel tired. Drained. Completely drained. I feel like breathing is getting harder, Finn. I fight and I fight and I do my best to hold on, and for what? Just to have to go through this over and over again? And now with no sign of getting better? I'm tired, Finn." Tears fill her eyes. "I'm so tired."

We were two broken parts from the same old junk yard
Battered and bruised and we tried so goddamn hard
To be you and I
I'm proud of us, babe, 'cause we held through the pain
And when everything hurt, we still ran through the rain and the night
That was you and I

"I know you are. But you promised you'd never give up. You promised."

"And I meant it." She reaches for his hand. Still upset, he pulls back so she can't reach him. Hurt flashes on her face before understanding takes its place. "I really did, Finn. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you."

So come here close for the last time

Put your heart on mine

"Then don't! Don't give up. Keep fighting."

"I've been. And it's not working. The odds of—"

"I don't care about the odds, Rachel. I care that my wife keeps fighting."

I'm all out of fight
My heart will always know your name
I'm all out of love
But look at all the love we made
I'm all out of life
Oh, babe, it's killing me to say
I'm all out of love, I'm all out of life, I'm all out of fight

Crying silently, she reaches for him again. Unable to keep his distance any longer, he obliges and moves closer. Rachel presses her head against his.

"I just don't think I have it in me to fight any more."

I never asked for easy
But it shouldn't be this hard

Desperate and pleading, the words tumble out of him. "Then take from me. Take whatever you need from me. Please."

"You're already giving me everything you can."

I'm all out of fight
My heart will always know your name
I'm all out of love
But look at all the love we made
I'm all out of life
Oh, babe, it's killing me to say
I'm all out of love, I'm all out of life, I'm all out of fight

"Please. Keep fighting. For me. Didn't you say you came back for me last time?"

"I did." Her smile is both loving and broken.

"And we had years together after that. Amazing years."

"Not all of them. I got sick again during that time."

"But we were together. We had a life together. And then you went into remission again and we had five years of you healthy."

She lifts her hand and strokes his cheek. He tries not to think about how light her touch is. "Yeah. And then I got sick again and it was worse than ever. What if that happens again?"

"What if it doesn't?" He counters. "What if you stay in remission? Or if they make a cure soon? It could happen!"

"And if it doesn't?

"Then I will be by your side making it as easy on you as possible."

"You have been, Finn. But there's only so much you can do. There's only so much I can do."

"All I need you to do is hold on and keep fighting. If you want to cry, rage, scream, argue, whine, fuss, I don't care. Go for it. Just don't stop fighting. Think of the future we want."

Tears slip down her cheeks. It's only when she wipes them off his cheeks that he realizes he is crying too.

"I got almost everything I want already."

"But not all. I want you to get everything you want. And you still can. You just…..you can't give up."

"I'm…..Finn, I'm not really giving up. I'm just….accepting that I'm dying and probably won't get that future I want."

"That's the same thing."

Her face crumbles and the soft tears become sobs. "I'm just so tired, Finn! I'm so tired! I don't want to die but I don't think I have the strength to keep fighting."

I'm all out of fight
My heart will always know your name
I'm all out of love
But look at all the love we made
I'm all out of life
Oh, babe, it's killing me to say
I'm all out of love, I'm all out of life, I'm all out of fight

Finn scrambles onto the bed and wraps his entire body around hers, letting her burrow into him. He does his best to create a warm, safe cocoon for her. She sobs into his chest and he cries into the little hair she has. When the sobs die down, then stop, he pulls back just enough to look down at her. She's asleep. He keeps his arms around her and holds her. The thought of having to choose between letting her go so she's not suffering but losing her or having her live longer but suffer for it chills him. It brings up memories of a conversation they had shortly after her first relapse. The tears silently stream down his cheeks as he stares down at his wife. He never wants her to suffer and will do whatever he can to ease her suffering. But not at the expense of losing her. He can't lose her. On the other hand, she doesn't deserve to suffer.

What's worse? Losing her but knowing she's at peace or having her with him but knowing she's suffering? Is it selfish to ask her to keep fighting when all it means is more suffering for her without the promise of survival in the end?

He stays still, holding her and thinking hard. He doesn't know what to do. Keep begging her to hold on? Or let her know it's okay to stop fighting?

"Everything okay?" He looks up. Kurt is walking into the room with a worried frown. When Kurt catches sight of Finn's face, the worry becomes alarm. "What happened?"

"Tough conversation."

Kurt is clearly still waiting for more. Since he's their brother, he decides to go ahead and tell him more.

"She's dying."

"I know." Kurt's response is soft. "But she could get better at—"

"I know. But she's not. Is it fair to ask her to keep fighting when she's suffering this much? Should we…..should we let her go?"

He may as well be holding a gun to Kurt's heart. Then his expression hardens. "No. It's not fair. But we'll ask it of her anyway. And she'll give in because she loves us."

A small weight lifts from his heart. Someone agrees with him. "We'll spend the rest of our lives making her life as easy and happy as possible. Spoil the fuck out of her. What she wants she gets."

"Agreed." Kurt nods fervently.

"I'm sorry, but do you mind leaving? When she wakes we need to finish this conversation. I'd really rather it be private right now."

"Sure."

"I asked Shelby to leave, too. She's probably in the cafeteria or waiting room."

"I'll go find her."

Kurt kisses Rachel's temple, squeezes Finn's shoulder, and leaves. Two hours after falling asleep she wakes again. Realizing he's still holding her, she turns, pressing her face into his chest. For a minute, she lays there quietly, listening to his heart and breathing in his scent.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Finally, her eyes meet his. The obvious exhaustion, both physical and emotional, is like a stab in his heart.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I'm tired. I don't want to keep fighting. I want to be done." The truth in her tone reveals she's been feeling this way for a while. It makes him want to throw up. "But I won't give up."

"You won't?"

The corner of her mouth turns up into the hint of a smile. "I could never give up on you. On us. Not really."

The vice that was holding his heart in a fatal squeeze finally releases. "Thank you." He kisses her head. "Thank you." He kisses her cheek. "Thank you." He kisses her nose. "Thank you." He kisses her lips. "I love you so much."

"Same. But Finn, even though I will keep fighting and I won't let go…..I am very tired. Very weak. Agreeing to keep fighting is not a guarantee that I'll live."

Just like that his heart clenches again. "I know. But it's more likely with you fighting."

She nods slowly. "So if I do die, please don't think I gave up. I won't. I promise. I think I mostly just needed you to know….."

She trails off and looks down. Finn tilts her chin up, encouraging her to meet his eyes again. "You wanted me to know how you were feeling. Tired of fighting."

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I refused to acknowledge it myself. I'm not a quitter. I don't give up. But I'm tired and hope is low."

"But there is still hope."

"There is."

She tilts her head up in such a familiar motion that he feels like crying again. Knowing what she wants, he kisses her. They kiss until she's short of breath. He puts the nasal cannula on her.

"You do know that you have been giving me everything I need, right?" She asks him.

He gives her a crooked smile. "I was hoping. But it's nice to know for sure."

He doesn't fully believe it. If he was actually giving her everything she needed, she never would have felt that she was too tired to keep fighting. He needs to do better. He just needs to figure out how.

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A/N: I don't normally add in song lyrics unless someone is singing. But these lyrics were so perfect for the scene that I had to. The song is "All Out Of Fight" by Pink.