This chapter takes place in the motel room during the episode "And a Trauma in a Pear Tree". Amanda is not dating/married to Carisi and has already informed Olivia that she'll be leaving SVU (and Liv has come to terms with it).

This site has been having a lot of issues over the past while, so I have no idea if this post is actually going to show up.

Thank you so much for the lovely comments that have been left on my other stories lately, I really appreciate them! :)

Spammers, please refrain from posting in my review section.

Title: The Scar

Genre: Hurt/comfort/romance

Rating: M

Season: 24

Episode: 9 (And a Trauma in a Pear Tree)

Olivia sees it by accident.

She doesn't mean to look, but when Amanda leans over her on the bed to pour another glass from their oh-so-classy box of wine, it's right there in her face.

The mark from what used to be a gaping gunshot wound turned surgical incision turned scar is revealed to her for the first time ever, when Amanda's blouse becomes untucked from her jeans and rides up her stomach while in the process of stretching.

It's still quite red and has yet to fade into white, even though a few months have passed since that horrific day, the somewhat bumpy remnants of Amanda's fight for life marring the otherwise flawless skin.

Once Olivia spots it, she can't seem to keep her eyes off it, her gaze locked onto the blemish that will forever be a reminder of Amanda's brush with death. She almost reaches out to let her fingers graze over the damaged flesh, feeling strangely drawn to the discoloration, and the urge to touch it so acute that it disturbs her.

She remembers that day with vivid accuracy; getting the call that Amanda had been shot for the second time in her career as a detective but this injury so much worse than the one previous, and realizing there was a distinct possibility that Amanda would end up like Mike Dodds. The terror that had enveloped Olivia at the thought of losing a woman who had come to mean the world to her lingers even now, the nightmares still plaguing her on a regular basis and the anxiety persisting even in the most mundane moments.

The panic and fear of that catastrophic event rise up to swallow her again and she raises her wine glass to her lips, taking a desperate sip and hoping her spiraling emotions won't be noticeable. But ever the observant detective, even while moderately inebriated, Amanda instantly calls her out on the change in facial expression, her voice concerned.

"You okay, Liv?"

"Yeah, I'm good," Olivia mutters as she looks away but then glances back a split second later, unable to keep her eyes from straying toward the scar that is still on display, Amanda following her gaze with an inquisitive frown.

"Oh. Sorry about that." She starts to tuck her shirt back in but Olivia surprises them both by reaching out to stop her, grasping onto Amanda's arm a bit more forcefully than she had intended, in an effort to put a halt to the action.

"No, it's okay. You don't have to apologize or cover yourself up. It just kind of threw me for a second...took me back to that day."

Amanda nods in understanding, those big blue eyes radiating compassion and tenderness, and Olivia swallows hard before continuing to speak, unsure if she should be venturing into this potentially triggering topic of conversation during their lighthearted evening.

"It must take you back there every time you see it."

"It did at first," Amanda confirms quietly as she places her wine glass on the end table and gestures to the scar. "Especially when I kept having so many issues; the panic attacks and the flashbacks and the terrifying dreams. But now I can actually look at it and not relive every single horrible second of that day. Or, at least it's not the first thing that springs to mind now that I've had some distance from it."

"That's great, I'm so glad." Olivia gives her a soft smile in return, relieved to hear this explanation, as she has witnessed firsthand Amanda's long and arduous recovery and the trauma she has struggled with in the wake of the shooting.

"You don't have to feel bad for looking," Amanda adds gently, as if reading her mind. "I think it helps to get a good look at it, and then it doesn't seem so frightening if you happen to see it again. It's no big deal to be curious about it. Here, it's okay."

Olivia's heart begins pounding wildly into her rib cage as Amanda unfastens her blouse and lets the sides of the garment fall away to reveal a simple white bra adorned with dainty bits of lace. She blushes profusely upon recalling the detective unbuttoning her top during their impromptu undercover operation; attempting to catch the motel pervert in the act of spying on the guests in personal, intimate moments, including Olivia's own.

She remembers feeling a mixture of emotions as the situation had progressed and the three of them had ended up in bed together; the thrill of pretending to be someone she wasn't in order to take down the creep who had violated her privacy combining with her very real feelings for Amanda. Olivia had experienced some surprisingly intense disappointment when Amanda hadn't unbuttoned her blouse all the way, immediately followed by an immense wave of shame and the relief of Amanda not having to expose herself to that asshole's lecherous gaze.

Now that it's just the two of them here and the motel room is thankfully asshole-free, Olivia can't help feeling a little turned on at receiving her own private show, mentally chastising herself for becoming aroused while they are dealing with something so serious and Amanda is actually being vulnerable with her. She tries to stop her eyes from raking up and down Amanda's torso, taking note of the way her breasts are so perfectly encased by the delicate bra, her nipples visible through the fabric; how her abdominal muscles flex lightly when she moves, and even the adorable fold of her belly button.

She has the sudden urge to reach out and run her fingers over the scar, extremely conflicted by the opposing feelings whirling through her brain; at once aroused by the sight of Amanda sitting practically topless in front of her, and gripped with anxiety as she stares at the grim evidence of her detective's near-demise. Amanda must be reading her mind again because her next words stun Olivia and have her jaw falling open briefly before she snaps it shut, her teeth rattling together with the force of the movement.

"You can touch it, if you want."

Olivia is aware of the dangerous territory they are entering here, knowing they should probably start laying off the booze before they cross the line, and she should decline the offer while urging Amanda to button her shirt back up. But her hand seems to have a mind of its own as it lifts from the bed and hovers in the air in front of the younger woman's slender form for a moment before lowering to her stomach.

Her fingertips barely brush the raised outline of the scar, feeling the puckered thickness of it and noticing as Amanda flinches slightly in response. "You okay?" Olivia gasps worriedly, afraid that she has somehow inflicted pain in her gentle exploration and preparing to remove her hand, when Amanda grasps onto it and holds it firmly in place.

"I'm fine," the detective chuckles in reply with a self-deprecating roll of her eyes. "It just tickles. And your hand is a bit cold."

"Sorry," Olivia murmurs as her heart rate continues to rise, Amanda's palm remaining layered over top of her own as it rests on the scar, both of them lapsing into silence.

After the tension-filled pause, Amanda briefly tightens her hold and then moves her hand slowly away, leaving Olivia's there alone as they gaze steadily at each other, brown eyes boring into blue. She hesitates briefly before tracing the outline of the blemish with tender precision, hearing Amanda suck in a slight breath but noticing that she refrains from flinching this time and keeps perfectly still on the quilt.

"I thought I was going to lose you," Olivia confesses in a broken whisper as her vision abruptly blurs with tears and her horrific memories of that day have a lump of emotion rising in her throat, Amanda's hand promptly covering hers again and this time squeezing comfortingly.

She recalls the discussion they had shared in the break room fairly recently, Olivia voicing her fear and concern for Amanda at that point in time, but mostly letting the other woman do the talking and explain the circumstances surrounding the shooting. She had barely been able to keep her emotions in check that day, watching her detective struggle through the conversation, and had almost blurted out exactly what she was thinking; that nearly losing Amanda had finally forced her to acknowledge the love that she had felt for so long. But despite taking such a big personal step, Olivia's feelings had remained locked up tightly inside her own mind, unable to admit them to Amanda as well, and using the excuse of being at the precinct and not wanting to bring up such an inappropriate subject during work hours, to hold back on her revelation.

Now, however, it's just the two of them here in this motel room; no kids, no colleagues, no perpetrators, no distractions. There is nothing to stop Olivia from telling the younger woman how she truly feels about her, especially since Amanda won't be with the Special Victims Unit for much longer and she will not have to worry about the added complication of dating a subordinate. Of course, there's always the possibility of rejection, which Olivia is sure she will never recover from, desperately hoping her feelings are mutual so her world won't come crashing down around her for the second time in the span of a few months.

"I know," the blonde says softly in response, linking their fingers together as Olivia squeezes back and tries to keep her tears at bay. "I didn't think I was going to make it. And I know it's impacted you more than you've been letting on, Liv."

"I'm just glad you're still here." Olivia wants to say so much more but can barely choke the words out around the giant lump in her throat, swallowing hard and giving a ragged cough.

"Me too. I can't imagine not being here to watch my girls grow up. And to start my new job. And there's still so much more that I want to do with my life." Another pause ensues, Amanda's voice lighter when she continues speaking, and Olivia knows she is trying to brighten the gloomy mood that has descended over the room like a storm cloud. "And what I want to do the most right now is get back into shape. I've really let myself go during my recovery."

"What?" Olivia's brows raise high in surprise before squinting in disbelief at the toned abdomen that is still on display before her, momentarily distracted from her deeper feelings and relieved to focus on something a little more shallow for the time being. "Don't be ridiculous! You haven't let yourself go. You look fantastic."

"Well, thanks, I appreciate the compliment, but my body seems to have forgotten how to run. I haven't been running since before I got shot."

"You'll get back to it," Olivia answers with confidence, prying her gaze away from Amanda's enticing figure before making eye contact again and trying to suppress the shudder of need when she sees something darker residing beneath the humor. "You just need to give yourself a bit more time. Your body went through a major trauma. It's okay to take things slow for awhile; to let yourself readjust and get back on track."

"There's slow and then there's glacial," Amanda laughs wryly, a pretty pink blush coloring her cheeks as those ocean blue eyes bore into Olivia's. "I'm losing all the muscle I've built up from years of running. I can feel it disappearing."

"It's okay, you'll get it back. I still think you look great, with or without muscle definition," Olivia says sincerely, her chest tightening at Amanda's uncharacteristic insecurity and wishing the other woman could see herself through her eyes; the beauty and the bravery that takes Olivia's breath away and has her regarding Amanda with awe. "And I hope you think the same about yourself, at least eventually. You're a survivor and it looks good on you. I hope you realize how amazing you are."

"Thanks Liv. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe things aren't so bad and I should appreciate the way I look, especially after everything that's happened," Amanda concedes as her blush deepens and she begins singing under her breath, her voice warbling with inebriation and nerves. "I'm sexy and I know it."

"You are," Olivia agrees vehemently before she realizes what she's saying, and then her blush is instantly matching Amanda's, her heart practically stuttering to a stop inside her chest as her breath seizes in her lungs.

Amanda appears equally as startled for a moment, her mouth falling open but no sound emitting, before she speaks in a somewhat strangled tone. "Oh...actually, it's just the lyrics to a goofy song, Liv. I was just joking around."

"Yeah...so was I," Olivia says lamely, after a beat of mortification so intense she is seriously considering leaping from the bed and fleeing the motel room, taking off into the parking lot and disappearing into the darkness of the night. "Just joking."

"So you don't think I'm sexy, then?" Amanda's lower lip protrudes in a pout as an expression of hurt crosses her features, and they both laugh now, although the sound is less carefree and more uneasy than it previously was.

Olivia is unsure if she should actually answer the question, assuming Amanda is still kidding around and trying to lighten the mood again, and finally mutters, "Well, I think that's enough of the wine."

"Ah, yes, the wine." Amanda's voice is unreadable now, the smile slipping from her face and her expression shuttering. "I actually forgot we were a bit a drunk." There is a tense pause, Olivia's stomach knotting nervously as she chews hard on her bottom lip. "So I guess you can just blame it on that, then? It's a good excuse, isn't it? The cheap boxed wine, drinking a bit too much while we have a night away from the kids..."

Olivia freezes in the process of removing her hand from the scar, her body immobile on the mattress and her arm hovering in mid-air, staring intensely at Amanda and the other woman staring back, their gazes locked on one another. "What?" she finally croaks out after she clears her throat roughly, her voice trembling. "What are you talking about?"

"About the way things are going here," Amanda answers softly, gesturing to their surroundings. "You can just brush it off and say it's because we've been drinking and we're still high on our little undercover op, on the thrill of arresting that perverted prick, and not admit to what's really going on...what's really been going on for a long time now."

"And what's that?" Olivia's voice has dropped to a whisper, her arm slowly lowering down to her side, captivated by the turn this conversation has taken. "What's really been going on?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

Olivia tilts her head to the side and regards Amanda intently, a tendril of hope winding its way through the tangle of terror and exhilaration residing in the pit of her stomach. The other woman's voice is gentle and encouraging, an expectant look on her beautiful face now, those blue eyes wide and sparkling, with a hint of a smile pulling on the corner of her lips.

Olivia draws in a deep breath and smiles tentatively in return, taking a chance and placing her hand back on the scar, touching the blemish reverently as she thinks of that awful day. "I was so scared when you got shot. I was so scared you...weren't going to make it." She pauses as her voice catches in her throat and blinks impatiently at the tears that are clouding her eyes and obscuring her vision, the moisture clinging to her lashes. "I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without you; I couldn't imagine a world where you didn't exist anymore. And that's when I knew for sure."

"Knew what?"

"You're really going to make me work for this, aren't you?" Olivia chuckles in frustration as she wipes away a tear, Amanda giggling as well and covering her hand again so both are resting over top of the scar that is about to change everything.

"Well, it was something I had suspected for a long time and something that I tried to keep pushing down, but then I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew..." Olivia trails off, too overwhelmed with emotion to speak for a moment, a tear escaping her eye and rolling down her cheek before she can blink it away.

Amanda squeezes her hand compassionately but remains silent this time, those expressive eyes staring straight at her.

"I knew then that I loved you. And that I've loved you for a very long time."

The silence stretches out between them after Olivia finally releases the words that she has been holding inside for longer than she can remember, and it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from her shoulders. Stark terror entwines with immense relief when Amanda doesn't respond right away, Olivia's heart clenching in her chest and her mouth going dry, until the other woman squeezes her hand again and her smile widens into a grin.

"Well, it's about damn time, Liv."

A burst of surprised laughter expels from Olivia's mouth, the stress instantly dissolving as elation overtakes her entire body, and she can't stop shaking now.

"That's when I knew for sure too...when that gun was pointed at me, right before the trigger was pulled, and all I could think about were my girls and how much I love them." Amanda moves closer to her on the bed, their bodies pressing together and a shiver running down Olivia's spine as a tender kiss is placed on her forehead, Amanda's lips lingering for a few seconds and her voice breathy when she speaks. "And how much I love you."

Olivia dips her chin, their noses brushing against each other, barely hesitating before capturing Amanda's lips in a deep kiss, the younger woman responding with an enthusiasm that nearly knocks them both from the bed and onto the floor. They kiss heatedly for several minutes, practically devouring one another in their eagerness now that the truth has finally been revealed, hands beginning to wander and fingers starting to explore, and Olivia knows how quickly they are going to get carried away if she doesn't attempt to slow things down.

"Thank goodness you feel the same way, because my suggestion was going to very awkward otherwise," Amanda gasps into her mouth, Olivia pulling back slightly and arching a suspicious eyebrow at the blonde when she takes note of her smirk.

"What suggestion?"

"When your hand was on my stomach, telling me how good I still look, I was going to ask if you wanted to move it a little lower..."

Olivia's heart hammers into her rib cage again as she watches Amanda's palm trail down to the zipper on her jeans, her fingers fiddling with the small piece of metal, sliding it back and forth and around in a circle before she continues with her explanation.

"But then I stopped myself from asking because I thought I might be moving too fast."

That surprised laughter is exploding from Olivia's mouth again, shaking her head and rolling her eyes when she sees Amanda's sassy grin, no longer feeling guilty for becoming aroused when the other woman had unbuttoned her blouse earlier in the evening. "Well, yeah, considering we hadn't even admitted our feelings yet, it might have been a bit too fast."

"What about now?" Amanda's brow arches in challenge as she pulls the zipper all the way down, the tiny metal teeth slowly parting to reveal a tantalizing glimpse of white panties that match her bra. "Still too fast?"

Olivia smiles and shakes her head again, snickering as she pulls Amanda back into her arms and plants a searing kiss on her lips before kissing each of her cheeks and her nose in turn. "Maybe a little. But we'll get there."

"Haven't we waited long enough?"

"We'll get there," she repeats patiently but firmly, tucking a golden strand of hair behind a delicate ear and smirking at the pout on the detective's face and the whine in her tone. "You're still recovering, Amanda. You just mentioned not being able to run since you got shot, and wanting to get back into shape again. We should take it slow for now."

"Hmmm." Amanda's voice sounds excited as her expression brightens considerably, and Olivia frowns curiously at her, somewhat taken aback by the abrupt change in demeanor. "Just think about it, Liv. You can help me get back into shape. And it'll probably be a lot more fun that running!"

"Probably?" Olivia echoes as she raises her eyebrows, goosebumps erupting from head to toe as she contemplates all the ways she can aid in Amanda's continuing recovery, the erotic thoughts that are forming in her brain enough to have her breaking into a light sweat as the juncture of her thighs dampen with arousal. "Oh, it will be a lot more fun. I can promise you that."

"Okay, now you're just being a tease!" Amanda complains good-naturedly, giving Olivia a playful shove before straddling her lap and kissing her with a passion that has their intertwined forms teetering precariously on the edge of the bed once more.

Olivia reaches between them to run her fingertips over the scar again, needing to feel the healed wound one more time before she wraps both arms around the woman she loves, finally at peace now that Amanda is safe in her embrace.