Chapter 9: From the Heart

Byakuya woke to the most beautiful, warm feeling that he had ever experienced. Even having been married and sharing his bed with his wife, it had always been he who did the holding and he had never even considered whether he might also want to be held. But he felt that desire now. Despite the ironic fact that it was his own body doing the holding, it was Renji who was within, keeping those arms wrapped around him, encouraging him to sink in deeper. And being that there weren't any appearances to keep up, no horrible penalty if they were discovered, he let himself nuzzle closer, sinking into the softness, the warmth and the scent of sakura. He felt Renji smiling and burying his face in the tumbled red hair.

He was trying not to think about the events of the night before, but he had to admit that it deeply surprised him that Renji had handled that particular revelation with such poise. But then, although Renji did tend to be brash and he often couldn't contain whatever words came into his mind, he did have marvelous empathic instincts when it came to his friends. And all of a sudden, Byakuya felt like he ranked among them. It was, perhaps, somewhat inappropriate as he was Renji's superior officer, but the forced sharing of their bodies and memories seemed to be bringing them much closer. And as much as he would have resisted such a thing before, he found himself clinging to the fragile emotion building inside him.

"Are you finally awake, Taichou?" Renji asked, sounding both affectionate and somewhat amused.

Byakuya raised his head and blinked at the brightness coming in through the garden doors. Renji chuckled softly.

"I guess when we switched bodies, we switched sleeping habits too," he commented, "I think if I didn't nudge you, you would sleep all day!"

"Shut up, Abarai," Byakuya mumbled sleepily, "and don't you dare move. We've been ordered to remain here to recuperate, and that is what we are going to do."

"Mmm, Okay," said Renji agreeably, "but there is a hell butterfly here and don't forget that the others will be here for musical practice later."

Byakuya groaned in annoyance at the hell butterfly as it moved closer and yielded its message.

Byakuya-sama, the council is meeting today to discuss several important issues requiring your attention. We require your presence beginning at 10 AM.

He started to give a reply, but then stopped, realizing that he couldn't send a message using Renji's voice. He turned to Renji and gestured toward the hell butterfly.

"Would you kindly inform the council that you are unavailable for council sessions due to injury and all votes should be suspended until you are recovered enough to participate?"

Renji nodded and began to give the message to the hell butterfly, but immediately, a stern sounding voice rose up from the small creature.

Byakuya-sama, although the council is aware of your injury, we must insist on meeting with you today about several pressing matters. If necessary, we would be amenable to meeting at Kuchiki Manor to accommodate you.

Renji glanced at Byakuya questioningly. Byakuya thought for a moment.

"Inform the council that I will attend the meeting…"

Renji's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to object.

"…attended by Abarai fukutaichou of my division," he finished, smiling at Renji.

Although he looked somewhat mollified, Renji still appeared unnerved enough that Byakuya felt the need to explain.

"Renji, it will be all right," he assured his fukutaichou.

"But Taichou," Renji complained, "I couldn't even handle the taichou's meeting! Now you want me to pretend to be you in front of all those clan members? That's crazy!"

"It's all a matter of changing your state of mind, Abarai. And you've already proven you can do that!"

"Wha…how?" Renji stammered.

"Renji, first of all…you know more about me than most. You've been in close proximity to me for some time, and while you have been at my side, you made a study of noticing everything about me. I've noticed that, despite your habits of fidgeting and slouching, most of the time, you know how to carry yourself the way I do. You know the way I move. In addition, you have paid attention to how I interact with different people. You know my responses to emotionally tense situations…what I show, what I hold back. If I prepare you for the meeting and attend with you to assist you in phrasing things, you can do this. I know you can."

Renji looked doubtful.

"I don't know…"

"Renji, if you can transform yourself for the purpose of giving a musical performance on stage, then you can do this. Trust me…trust yourself."

Renji closed his eyes and held his breath, considering. What Byakuya was saying did make sense. But he was afraid…after how badly he messed up the taichou's meeting…but Byakuya really seemed convinced he could do it. And that confidence, his taichou's willingness to put his faith in him, meant everything to Renji. He realized he had been holding his breath too long and released it.

"You say…you'll go with me?" he asked.

"Hai, Taichou," Byakuya said calmly, "You've been injured and need to be attended. And with this attendant at your side, you are more than capable of facing down that particular pack of wolves. All we need to do is make you aware of who you will be facing. And we'll do that right now…or as soon as you send that hell butterfly."

Renji gazed into the determined eyes and found himself unable to refuse. He turned to the hell butterfly.

"Head Councilor, be advised that I will attend the meeting as requested…with Abarai fukutaichou from my division attending me."

The hell butterfly fluttered off bearing the message and Renji sat up, pulling Byakuya up with him.

"Okay," he said, looking more determined and less intimidated, "I guess if we're going to do this, you'd better start telling me about these council members."

Byakuya nodded.

"Brace yourself, Taichou," Byakuya said, smiling, "you are about to learn things no one knows about the Kuchiki clan. A warning though. If you ever reveal what I am about to tell you, I will have to kill you, so learn it, use it to get through this…and then forget it ever touched your ears."

"Very well then, Abarai," Renji said, blinking slowly and sitting up straighter, "You may begin when you are ready."

Byakuya spent the next several minutes, laying out for Renji the identities, seating arrangements and interactive style of each council member. He finished with statements of each councilor's Achilles' heel. Renji found the situation comparable to having a discussion of the hollows they would meet before going onto the battlefield. When he expressed this to Byakuya, he was surprised when his superior officer smiled knowingly at him and said, "Exactly."

XXXXXXXXXX

Renji straightened his posture and walked solemnly up the front steps of the Kuchiki Clan Headquarters with Byakuya at his side. Byakuya was pleased, not only with how he looked, but how competently he carried himself, how he greeted the guards at the door, the attendants and the gathering council members. He had obviously paid close attention to what he had been told. Of course, Renji was one who has a significant amount of grace under pressure…in battle situations, anyway…and this bore a striking resemblance to that, so Byakuya trusted that his fukutaichou could manage the situation.

The head councilor called the meeting to order and Renji took his seat at the head of the table, motioning for Byakuya to take the seat at his side. The other council members took their places and the head councilor read the items on the agenda.

"Votes will be cast on the matters of the location and list of events for the Cherry Blossom Festival gathering, the new clan budget will be approved and the council will address its concerns about the clan's future."

As the head councilor continued speaking, Byakuya lowered his head slightly and quietly gave his preferences regarding the votes. As each vote was cast, Renji voted as Byakuya had indicated. The voting ended and Renji leaned toward Byakuya.

"That wasn't so bad," he whispered.

"No," Byakuya agreed, "That was just approval of what we'd already pretty much decided. The hard part is still ahead."

"The budget is on the sheets in front of you," the head councilor said, "Take a look at it and present any final arguments."

Renji picked up the sheet and pretended to read, holding it so that Byakuya could look on. He sensed a small flare of reiatsu and noticed that Byakuya looked a bit riled.

"Give me leave to address the council," Byakuya said in a terse voice.

"What?"

"Tell them to allow me to explain your objection to the budget."

"What's the problem?" Renji asked, frowning.

Byakuya pointed to the items in question and whispered his explanation. When he was finished, Renji smiled.

"Don't worry," he said quietly, "I can do this."

"Are you sure?" Byakuya asked.

"Yeah," said Renji, "Watch me."

Byakuya held his breath as the head councilor called the meeting back to order.

"Are there any objections to the budget as proposed?" he asked.

He looked around at the council members and his eye came to rest on Renji.

"Ah, Byakuya-sama, you have an objection?"

"Yes, actually. I see in the allocation of expenses that a large amount is being dedicated to beautification projects in the Seireitei, particularly on grounds that have already had projects recently completed. At the same time, donations to Rukongai education and humanitarian causes have dropped…again."

The head councilor smiled patiently.

"Our investments did not meet expectations, so we had to make a few adjustments," he explained.

"I see," Renji said, with precise intonation, "Well then, you may simply 'adjust it' again. Although I too, desire tree and flower-lined walkways, we already have lovely ones in place. Yet in the Rukongai, citizens struggle just to survive, and because they have to struggle so hard and many don't know how to make a proper living, life becomes difficult and many turn to crime. I would gladly trade a few shade trees and flowers to see that more citizens are properly fed and educated. Many of the Gotei 13's finest officers come from the Rukongai. And others who grew up there serve in our houses. It is a slap in the face to those people that we do not do more to ease their suffering and teach them to seek a better life. It benefits us all when they do."

"With all due respect, Byakuya-sama," the head councilor said calmly, "We all know of your affection for the simple folk of the Rukongai. We have had to tolerate your fetish for the peasant class for many years."

Renji felt Byakuya's reiatsu flare and realized suddenly that he was on his feet and Zabimaru was in his hand. Renji froze, watching as the eyes of the council members widened at the sight of the red haired fukutaichou facing them down.

"Say that again," Byakuya said in the most biting tone Renji could ever imagine coming from his mouth, "and you will regret it. The next one to insult Kuchiki Taichou in such a way will feel the sting of my fang. Taichou, say the word and I will kill any who disrespect you!"

Renji stared in dismay at the red-haired warrior facing down the councilors and was aware of the shifting of bodies, hands reaching for blades of their own. He knew he had to do something, but he had no idea what. He tried to think about how Byakuya might react to something like this. Gathering himself, he turned and placed a calm, restraining hand on Byakuya's sword arm.

"Abarai fukutaichou," he said, meeting the fierce brown eyes, "you have forgotten your place."

"My apologies, Taichou, for overstepping," Byakuya said, the anger plain in his voice, "but these people have no idea, no concept of what the Rukongai is like. Most of them would not likely leave the confines of their lovely Seireitei and deign to walk where the rest of us have been. Nobles don't wake wondering if they will see another nightfall…or where their next meal will come from. Everything is given to them because they wear a name…and in the Rukongai, half the people don't have a first name let alone a surname. Many of us are crazed for want of food, clean water, a warm place to sleep, a place safe from harm…any sense of closeness to someone else. Our families are not determined by blood, but by need. We band together and form strands of what substitutes for family, what tries desperately to replace what should be there to protect and care for us. Children roam our streets alone…unwanted…unwelcome anywhere. Growing up treated like stray dogs, they nip at your heels and you kick them away, but no matter how you try to beat down or ignore us, the poor will always be with you. You can feed us and educate us, help us to find a way to become useful, to help make things better…or you can know that we will walk in your shadow, waiting for you to lower your guard so we can take by force what you should have offered us while you had the chance. Those lovely tree and flower-lined streets don't mean a damned thing…and they won't protect you when your neglect of the Rukon folk brings them to your door to break it down and make you pay for your callousness!"

Renji stared dazedly at Byakuya, stunned by his words to the council, by how well he understood what life was like in the Rukon…but then, Hisana had come from Inuzuri, as had Rukia. Then there was the high probability that the discussion had triggered Renji's own memories of that life.

Shit! That's what happened. Those memories hit him…and even though he had been told, even though he had been there and saved Hisana and Rukia from that life…the reality of my memories…the full knowledge of what I experienced…Taichou!

The room had gone silent. The council members stared at the red haired fukutaichou, this trash from one of the worst parts of the Rukon that had transformed itself into the right hand of their clan leader. He knew they only held back because they were waiting for their leader to respond. Renji realized suddenly that his hand still rested on Byakuya's sword arm. He carefully guided the weapon back to its sheath, then let his hand fall away. He turned to the waiting council and cleared his throat.

"This man," he said, turning to look at Byakuya, "is one of those stray dogs who you would like to forget. He grew up in Inuzuri, struggled to keep himself and other children alive. He watched his friends struggle alongside him and die, because no one cared enough to help them. He sat on the banks of a filthy river in the branches of a dying tree and dreamed of a place beyond the Rukon. He could see the Seireitei from where he was. Every night, he looked in that direction and thought about how he would make his way there…join the shinigami academy. Abarai Renji was one of the lucky few who made it out of that place. And since he took his place as my fukutaichou, he has put his heart into defending me. Despite the fact of my nobility, despite me being from a family and having grown up being handed everything, he has thrown his body between my enemies and me, not pausing for a moment to consider the content of my blood or where I grew up. I am his taichou and he is my right hand…and I would see others come out of the Rukon to perform so admirably in our defense. But that will not happen unless we…"

Shit! What's the word I want?

"…cultivate it…" supplied Byakuya under his breath.

"unless we…cultivate it."

He paused as took a breath.

"Tell them to move half to maintenance of grounds and half to the Rukongai Fund," Byakuya whispered.

"As such," Renji went on, "we will move half of the beautification funds to maintenance of grounds and half to the Rukongai Fund."

There was a long silence. Then the head councilor looked from the stunned faces of the council to the determined face of their leader and then to the red haired warrior who stood beside him.

"All in favor of Byakuya-sama's suggestion to move funds from beautification to maintenance and to the Rukongai Fund?"

Renji met the councilors' eyes with what he hoped was Byakuya's most commanding gaze. Something must have worked, because hands were rising…more than half.

"Opposed?"

There were raised hands then also, but Renji felt a sense of satisfaction at having convinced over half the council to vote in his favor.

"The motion is carried."

He wanted to turn and hug Byakuya, but he calmly sat down, very aware of Byakuya relaxing again and taking his seat next to Renji.

The head councilor looked around the room and turned his attention to the final matter.

"Now, we will move on to the final matter. The clan has long concerned itself with its future and has been patient in giving our leader some freedom of choice in who he will marry."

"Not this again," whispered Byakuya, "Tell them…"

"Got it, Taichou," Renji whispered back.

"Wait, Renji…"

Renji stood.

"Pardon me, head councilor, but if you are about to embark on another attempt to fill the empty place in my bed, I'll save you the trouble. I do not need any assistance. I am more than capable of seeking a partner and will do so as I see fit. So, to be blunt…"

"Renji don't!" hissed Byakuya.

"The position has been filled. Details will be submitted to the council when I'm damned good and ready to give them!"

He pulled Byakuya to his feet and started for the door.

"You forgot to dismiss them," Byakuya gasped.

Renji looked back over his shoulder.

"And you are dismissed!" he said, half-dragging Byakuya out the door.

Byakuya waited until they reached a small park that was just out of eyeshot of the Kuchiki Council Headquarters. He took Renji by the shoulders and forced him back against a tree, his eyes blazing.

"Why did you do that? Why did you tell them I have a partner in mind? You don't have any idea…"

"You can't let those people decide something like that for you!" Renji insisted, "They don't have the right to tell you who to marry!"

"I know that," Byakuya went on, "but there's this whole thing called tact, decorum that has to be observed when we are in council. And even if it weren't for that…I don't have a partner I can consider marrying. It was a lie and it will certainly come out. I don't want to think about the uproar it will cause when they find out!"

Renji was staring at him with an unreadable expression.

"So let me see if I understand you," he said quietly, "you consider me good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to…"

"That isn't…"

"The hell it's not! Taichou, we have been dancing around this ever since you were in the hospital, recovering from Gin's attack. You obviously want something from me…and I was thinking that what you wanted might just be love! Companionship! But if that is what you want from me, then you need to know that I don't want to feel like what is between us is something to be ashamed of and hidden! If you have to hide something, then it probably shouldn't happen."

"Renji, will you let me explain?"

"Fine…explain," Renji said shortly.

Byakuya took a steadying breath.

"Renji…I was raised to be a clan leader. From the moment of my birth, my parents knew this and they dreamed of seeing me achieve it. Even once they died, my grandfather directed me in that path…and I wanted very much to honor my parents by becoming the leader they hoped I would be. But doing that meant that I had to make sacrifices…that I had to take certain vows, make certain promises…"

"I get that!" Renji said angrily, "Of everyone around you, I think I'm the one who most understands that! But…"

"Yes! You do. You understand. I know that. But there are promises I made, one in particular, that haven't been kept. While none of those promises included allowing the council to choose my partner, I did promise to…to…"

He swallowed hard.

"I gave my word to the clan that I would provide heirs. I cannot take a spouse who cannot produce heirs."

"So then," Renji went on, anger rising in his eyes, "explain to me what in the hell you thought you were doing when you kissed me!"

"You kissed me first!"

"I was having a nightmare! I woke up thinking you were dead!"

"But you still kissed me…and…I just…"

"Just what? You couldn't say no to me? Didn't want to hurt my feelings? What?"

"It was nothing like that," Byakuya said, his face going pale, "Renji…"

"Let me make this easy for you, Taichou," Renji interrupted, "you had a gut instinct and you went with it. Hey, we all make mistakes, right?"

"Renji…it wasn't a mistake…"

"No? Then what was it? Momentary insanity? Curiosity? What?"

"I don't know what it was!" Byakuya said, barely able to force the words out, "But I do know that it wasn't my gut that told me to kiss you back…Renji. I know it wasn't my gut…because…It was my heart."

He paused for another steadying breath.

"And for the first time…I couldn't ignore it…I couldn't think about my promises as a clan leader, or as my parents' son and let it go. I felt the impulse and I did decide to kiss you back, because…I wanted to."

Renji lowered his eyes and sighed, all too aware of where they were heading. Faced with making a choice between his family and his heart, he knew which way Kuchiki Byakuya would have to choose. And suddenly, he wasn't angry anymore. He felt overwhelmed and exhausted. And worse than that, he felt sorry for Byakuya. It had to be awful to endure such loneliness all because of that noble title…to be left behind again and again for steadfastly refusing to abandon his promises…to his parents…to his grandfather…to his clan.

"Look," he said, forcing down what he was feeling, "I get what you're saying. I'm not going to lie and say it's okay, because it's not."

He paused, swallowing hard.

"But if you're worried about what will happen, don't be. I won't put any more pressure on you…and when we are switched back…I won't leave the squad."

I won't hate you for this and I won't abandon you.

He stood for a moment, watching relief seep into Byakuya's body.

"You should go back to my apartment and change," he said, turning away, "the others will be waiting at the manor for that practice session."

He flash stepped away, leaving Byakuya looking after him. Byakuya flash stepped away from the council headquarters and back to Renji's apartment. He slipped into the darkened room and closed the door softly behind him. Halfway across the room, his stomach clenched as everything Renji had said caught up with him and he came face to face with what he was about to lose. He remembered how it felt to be kissed with warmth and passion, to be understood and loved unconditionally, and to be held. And he couldn't bear the thought of losing that…of returning to the cold formality that had been between them before. And after experiencing what love felt like, he knew he wouldn't be able to find it again when Renji left him. His only consolation was that he wouldn't feel tempted to try again. It was much too painful tasting what he could never have. He wouldn't be so foolish, ever again. He knew better. And in truth, he should have known better all along.

He sat down on the bed with his back against the wall and let the regret wash over him.

"Renji?"

Rukia's voice startled him. He looked up, painfully aware that there were tears on his face. She didn't know it was him, but he couldn't allow himself…He tried to turn his face away, but she caught it in her hand and forced him to look at her. Her fingers brushed the tears away and she kissed him on the cheek.

"This is about my brother, isn't it?" she asked quietly.

It was a tone she saved for Renji…one born of the suffering they had endured in Inuzuri…one that had supported him and helped him to survive so that they could escape together. It was at the heart of who they were…and Byakuya felt unworthy of that connection. He opened his mouth to tell her to leave but was stopped by the arms that encircled him and the warm voice that reached his ears.

"I know something has been going on between you ever since the day of the execution. I know that even though you defended me, you felt awful for having to fight him. And Byakuya felt horribly guilty for not protecting me…and for fighting you. I know you two mended fences…and I know that Byakuya was happy, happier than I've ever seen him since you two started spending more time together. But what happened? Why are you like this?"

He couldn't look at her, but he closed his eyes forced out the words.

"We got too close. We were falling in love, Rukia."

He opened his eyes and glanced up at her, shocked at the lack of surprise.

"I thought it was something like that," she commented.

"Huh? How?" he asked, blinking in surprise.

"Come on!" she said, "You are so obvious, Renji. You were never good at hiding things from me. I suspected right away. I didn't want to say anything, because I figured you would tell me when you wanted me to know…but yes, I knew."

"So you know that it's not going to work," he went on.

"Why not?" she asked, placing a hand on his cheek to keep him from looking away.

"Come on, you know why," he laughed sarcastically, "because the clan comes before everything…and when you are clan leader, you can't fall in love with just anyone…especially when that one is incapable of producing heirs."

She looked him in the eyes for a moment, then Byakuya was stunned when she abruptly smacked him on the head.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?" he asked, suddenly very relieved that, being in Renji's body, he could react freely.

"It's for you being so stupid!" she said reproachfully.

"What? For falling in love with the wrong person?" he asked in dismay.

"No, idiot!" she exclaimed, "for not coming to me sooner! You and my brother deserve to be happy and if you are in love with each other and the only way you can be with each other is to find a way to make babies, then BY KAMI, we will find a way for you to make babies! Now, get out of that bed and get dressed! After our practice session, we'll get started on figuring out how to make this work for you two."

"But Rukia…"

"MOVE!" she yelled.

Byakuya felt the body he was in moving, despite his desire to stay put. Sighing in annoyance, he followed the impulse and grabbed something from the dresser.

"Not that," she corrected him, flash stepping to the dresser and picking out some clothes, "This."

He took the clothes from her and slipped into the washroom to change. A few minutes later, he emerged and looked at her questioningly. She nodded at him approvingly.

"Better," she said, "Now, let's go, before they think we vanished or something."

Contemplating the practice session ahead of him, Byakuya almost wished he could vanish, but given that she had promised to help find a way for him to stay with Renji, he took the hand held out to him and flash stepped alongside her back to the manor.