Chapter 10: Forgiven
Byakuya didn't know whether to be unhappy or relieved when Renji failed to materialize upon their return to the manor. He did not appear during their lunch either, leaving Byakuya feeling deeply concerned, but with no way of addressing it. He couldn't simply leave Rukia and the others to practice. If Renji was going to be properly prepared for the competition, then Byakuya had to make sure his body practiced sufficiently. He knew the event meant a great deal to both Rukia and Renji, and although he hoped fervently that the switch would be undone before the night of the competition. He was inwardly pleased that he could do something to help them.
"Oh, Renji," Rukia said excitedly as the group ate lunch, "I forgot to tell you! I recorded the practice song you did in Karakura Town and I gave it to the show sponsors…and they are using clips of it in their advertising! Isn't that great? I mean, they are using other clips too, but they said that since the clip of your singing was added, ticket sales for the event have skyrocketed. They had to move the competition from the building they had rented to the big arena! Renji, there are going to be thousands of people there! They are going to make so much money to help the kids like us…Renji? Renji, are you okay?"
He had stopped eating and his face had gone pale at the thought of all of those people. If, for some reason, he and Renji could not get switched back by then…
Byakuya shuddered at the thought. He couldn't do it and he knew it. He could make himself swear, sleep late, be rude and brash and a hundred other things, but a line had to be drawn somewhere…
"Renji?" Ichigo called, waving a hand in front of his face, "Living world to Renji! Come in, Renji!"
"Stop that!" Byakuya said, swatting Ichigo's hand away, "I'm fine…I just got a little…nervous for a second, okay? It's not like I've ever had to sing in front of a crowd of people like that."
"Well, duh," said Rukia, "none of us has. We're all going to be doing something new."
"Yup!" agreed Orihime, "We're all in this together!"
"And of all of us, I think you have the least to worry about," Uryuu said solemnly, "You sound really good…and the rest of us are still learning to play the music correctly. Add to that the fact that we have to do a three song set AND an encore song if we win and you have a whole group of pretty nervous would-be musicians."
Byakuya swallowed hard.
"Three…songs? And an encore?" he said, an odd, dizzy feeling stealing over him.
Rukia put a hand on his forehead.
"What's with you?" she asked, looking genuinely concerned, "Renji, you knew that before. Why do you look so surprised?"
"I wouldn't say he looked surprised," Ichigo said through a mouthful of food, "I think he looks likes he's scared shitless!"
"I am not afraid!" Byakuya insisted, "I just…it's just that I hadn't really thought it through. I'm just…getting used to the idea. So, shut it, Kurosaki!" he said.
He put his hand down and accidentally struck the edge of his plate, sending the remainder of his food across the table, directly into Ichigo's face. Byakuya's eyes went wide and Ichigo wiped the food from his face, frowning and beginning to look furious.
"What the fuck? Renji!" he yelled, "Well, two can play at that game!"
He flung the contents of his plate at Byakuya but missed and hit Rukia instead.
"Idiot!" yelled Rukia, picking up her plate.
"Enough!" Byakuya said with finality.
The others stared and Byakuya realized he had spoken as himself, not as Renji. Desperate to recover, he took the plate from her hand.
"Allow me," he said, flinging the contents at Ichigo.
"Missed me!" Ichigo laughed.
"See if I miss you now!" Byakuya said, grabbing Chad's plate and diving onto Ichigo and shoving the contents into his face.
A sudden rise in reiatsu sent Ichigo backpedaling and made Byakuya turn swiftly. He found himself covered in food, sitting in more and staring up into Kuchiki Byakuya's most furious glare.
"Abarai Renji," Renji said in a horribly cold, barely restrained tone, "of all people, I think you should know not to disgrace me by behaving in such a manner in my home."
And Byakuya knew he was right.
"It…began as an accident…" he began, stopping as the reiatsu around them rose dangerously.
"I am not concerned with how it began," Renji went on in that same cold, angry tone, "that you would act in such a way in my home…"
"My apologies, Taichou," Byakuya said, lowering his eyes.
"It was really my fault," said Ichigo, "He accidentally hit the edge of his plate and…"
"It does not matter how it began," Renji interrupted, "only that someone I thought knew better would do something of this nature. Abarai Renji, I think you should go home and change. And while you are there, remember that you are here only as long as I allow it. Do not allow something like this to happen again!"
He turned and flash stepped away, leaving the others staring. Byakuya sat on the grass, open-mouthed and stunned. The next thing he knew, Ichigo was helping him to his feet.
"C'mon," he said, smiling supportively, "We'll all go to your place. You can change and then we can find somewhere else to practice. We can always go back to Karakura Town."
"Or down to Jade's Karaoke bar. They're closed until nighttime, but he's always around and I'm sure he'd let us look through all the songs he has there."
"Good idea, Rukia," Ichigo said, brushing the food off of Byakuya, "We can practice and we don't have to worry about Byakuya barging in and getting mad at us for breathing too loud!"
"Ichigo," Byakuya said, finally finding his voice again, "it wasn't his fault."
"Stop, will you?" Ichigo said, rolling his eyes, "stop defending his highness! You always do that and I'm telling you…Byakuya doesn't need you to stand up for him. He does it well enough, himself. You know, he could stand to loosen up and have an occasional food fight!"
"Shut up, Ichigo," Rukia said in a low, serious voice, "My brother has to stick to the rules. He had to say what he did. Couldn't you see it? He hated doing what he just did. We did something disrespectful, something we knew was wrong."
"Yeah, so? Why did he put the blame on Renji?" Ichigo asked pointedly, "He barely even looked at me! And I really started it."
"I know that," she said, looking of in the direction Renji had gone, "but Renji and I know better than anyone that we shouldn't do things like this here. We knew it was wrong and we disappointed him by showing disrespect for this place, this home."
"But he didn't say anything at all to you, Rukia," Ichigo countered, "Why did he tear Renji apart like that?"
"Because I deserved it," Byakuya said quietly.
He turned without another word and flash stepped away.
Byakuya didn't stop again until he reached Renji's apartment. He grabbed a change of clothes and flash stepped to the sixth division, ignoring the curious stares at his unkempt appearance. He burst into the fukutaichou's quarters and quickly dressed. Afterward, he abandoned the sixth division and made his way to a secluded park, where he dropped down beneath one of the sakura trees and watched the clouds crawl across the sky, trying desperately to remove the mental image of him standing over Renji, tearing into him like that. He had done it before…because he had to. It was expected. And he didn't blame Renji for correcting him. And he deserved the real anger he had felt driving the stiff correction. Byakuya knew what was expected…and still, he had allowed Ichigo to draw him into the crude display.
He wondered at himself for letting it happen. He had never done anything remotely like it before. He had never dared. And he had to admit, it had felt unusually good to shove the food into Ichigo's annoying face…to be able to do something like that…
But he shouldn't have done it. His commitment to maintaining decorum should have stopped him in his tracks…but he had barely paused.
"What's wrong with me?" he whispered, "Have I been in this body so long I've really forgotten who I am?"
The question echoed in his mind.
But, he realized, it couldn't be Renji's body that had nudged him into going along with the food throwing. Renji, he realized, wouldn't have let himself get drawn in. But Byakuya had wanted to be drawn in. And in Renji's body, he had felt released from the strictures of rules and decorum. Surrounded by Renji's friends, he had felt freed to express himself.
But he couldn't allow himself to do that…not in Renji's body, not ever…
"You okay, Taichou?" Renji's voice asked softly.
"If by 'okay' you mean am I well, then I would have to say, no," he replied, not looking up, "I'm sorry, Renji. I don't know why I…"
"Aw hell Taichou, don't worry about that! I know you were probably not the one who started it. I was just doing what I thought you would do."
"Yes, I would have blamed you, whether it was your fault or not. That feels worse than letting myself get drawn into that disgraceful display."
Renji sat down next to him.
"How did you find me?" Byakuya asked, gazing up at the clouds.
"Well," Renji said, grinning, "my reiatsu sensing seems much better in your body. Now, it seems, you stink at reiatsu sensing."
Byakuya allowed himself a small smile.
"Ironic," he said softly, "but I imagine it will leave me with a greater appreciation for my own skill…when I am returned to my body."
He sighed, turning to look at Renji.
"There's something I meant to discuss with you," he said, changing the subject, "but I didn't have a chance to tell you after the meeting with the council. When I drew Zabimaru, I tried to put it in its released form. Your weapon did not respond to me. I think we will need to find out if our own weapons will respond to us."
"But even if they do," Renji said, furrowing his brow, "it's going to look awfully weird with you carrying around Senbonzakura and me with Zabimaru. I think we're going to be asked a lot of really odd questions."
Byakuya nodded.
"To be sure. "
"Well," said Renji, "both weapons are at the manor. Maybe we should go back and see if our own weapons will work."
"That would be a good idea," Byakuya said, "but I think I should stop by Jade's. The others said they would be there…and I shouldn't disappoint them. This competition means a lot to Rukia and it means a lot to you, so I should go and help them choose the music for our set and encore."
He stood and started to turn away, then stopped and looked back at Renji.
"Renji," he said softly, "thank you for not being overly upset with me about the incident at the manor. And…thank you for…for agreeing not to leave Squad Six when we are returned to our own bodies. I know I hurt you. And if there is any way to undo that hurt…to make things work between us, then I will do it."
Renji nodded wordlessly.
"And there is something else," Byakuya went on, "Just so you know…in case you wondered…I…care a lot about you. And I'm sorry things are as they are. But I am glad that you kissed me, and that I returned it. No matter what happens…what we have to give up, at least I know what love feels like. I don't think I'll ever feel it like this again…but I am glad that I did. And I'm glad it was with you. Whatever the cost turns out to be…it's worth it."
He met Renji's eyes and saw that he was holding back tears. He stepped forward and brushed them away.
"Your love is a precious gift, Abarai Renji," Byakuya whispered letting his cheek brush against Renji's, "I am blessed to have been gifted with it…but I do not deserve it."
He pulled away and turned to leave but suddenly felt a soft hand wrap around his wrist. Byakuya turned in surprise and looked back at Renji questioningly.
"Don't ever tell me that again, Taichou," Renji said in a choked voice, "Don't ever tell me that you don't deserve to be loved. It isn't true, no matter what you say. Everyone deserves to be loved…street rats and nobles alike…everyone…"
The next thing Byakuya knew, he was pulled into those wonderful arms and being held again. And the warm lips brushed lightly against his.
"I haven't given up yet, Taichou, and I think you shouldn't give up either. I don't know how we'll find an answer, but I think that we should try."
Byakuya felt unbidden tears rising in his eyes.
"I mean that much to you?" he whispered.
Renji nodded.
"You know you do."
"But you were so angry with me before. What happened? The questions you asked were fair. And your anger was certainly appropriate…"
Renji smiled.
"You were confused," he said softly, "You aren't used to following your heart, so naturally, finding yourself doing that for the first time would be confusing. It doesn't mean that you feel this any less than I do. And it doesn't mean that you were taking advantage of me. After thinking about it some more, I realized that just because you were confused didn't mean that we're doomed to fail. If there is a way to work this out, I think you and I both want to find it. You do want this to work…don't you?"
Byakuya nodded wordlessly.
"Then we shouldn't give up. We should try to be patient and try to find a way to make this work."
Byakuya gave a long sigh and leaned against Renji, letting his head rest against the warm shoulder. Renji ran his fingers through the long red strands of hair and rested his face against it. A moment later, Byakuya felt Renji chuckling.
"What's so funny?" he asked softly.
Renji laughed harder.
"Coming out and seeing you sitting on the ground with food everywhere…and Ichigo coming to your defense when I tore into you!"
"Renji…how can you think that's funny? I was horrified. What if someone had seen?"
Renji bit back another chuckle.
"Sorry, Taichou, it's just…it's…"
"Shut up, Abarai…" Byakuya said, trying to sound annoyed.
But Renji felt the soft vibration of laughter against his shoulder and the smile Byakuya hid by ducking into the long waves of black hair.