Runny-Eye Dale has returned home safely, Shamazon has addressed the threat within the Painforest, El Diablo is learning to walk again, and it seems like for the majority of our cast, things are starting to look up all around. This includes Wadley, who has used sordo's essence as a sort of binding agent to finally achieve the one thing he lacked: a true, physical form. Condensed Wadley, as one may call it, is severely weakened in this state, but in this new form, this horrible mass of hatred and evil can do the one thing Wadley never could do on its own, which is something to truly be frightened of. Wadley's thoughts race through his mind.
Gluten free. Eggs flour sugar. Baking soda not powder. Butterscotch chips. Crack egg first. Do not get the store brand of anything. It's gross. Preheat oven. No, locate oven. Why is that not step one? You're right. No going back, don't forget gluten free.
Condensed Wadley acts on these plaguing thoughts by crashing through the roof of a local bakery, and obtaining everything he needs without any resistance, at which point he begins making butterscotch chip cookies. What do these do, you may ask? They taste good. Mmm, gooey, melty, truly the perfect treat. The Consumer senses the action of devourment and comes to check it out, being approached by Wadley.
"Cookie?" Condensed Wadley offers.
"Yessss." Consumer responds hungrily. Condensed Wadley shovels a cookie off of the tray and serves it to the Consumer.
"Careful, they just came out."
The Consumer consumes the cookie, and contemplates it for a few moments.
"This is the Number One Delicacy." The Consumer concludes.
"I couldn't agree more. This shit is the bomb dot gov."
With cooking and eating off his list of things to do in his newly obtained corporeal form, Wadley tackles another thing he's wanted to do: watch a movie. Wadley arrives at the theater and reads the showings letter by letter. Decisions? Waste of time. Just watch all the movies, all at once. Good idea for a fun time. Wadley purchases four tickets and sits down to watch all four movies, including the well-renowned "United Arab Emirates Slime festival Hey Hey Fat free man 2", a rare instance of a movie sequel considered to be better than the original. Wadley watches the movies with excitement and anticipation, but that fun only lasts for so long, before he must find a new task in which to indulge himself. But what may this be? Perhaps Wadley should find somewhere to stay. Wadley is on the brink of breaking out into song, but he can't do that now, not while people are watching. He's gotta find a nice place. Wadley happens upon the Beaten Meat Deli, and as he enters, the bell rings, and Meatsmith appears with a friendly smile to greet him.
"You guys seem to be the only place open this late. Do you know any place I could stay for the night?" Condensed Wadley inquires.
"Uh, yeah, there are a few around here. Down the street and a few blocks to the left is the Gobble Inn, which is a great place to stay if you're a goblin. There's also the Gooble Inn right near that, which is notably a very average place to stay if you're not a goblin."
Goblins…Wadley knew a goblin once. He'll be going to the other one. Wadley thanks Meatsmith, offering him a butterscotch cookie as a token of his appreciation, which Meatsmith gratefully accepts. Wadley gives a thumbs up and plots a course to the Gooble Inn, which, strangely enough, is run by goblins. Wadley ignores the probable racism at play here, and gives the innkeeper the benefit of the doubt.
"How much for one night?"
"Just for you, 400 M.U." says Goblin Gooblins. Wadley produces the necessary amount of money, and slips in a cookie as well to pay Gooblins. Gooblins gives Wadley the room key, and Wadley ascends through the ceiling into the room. Nice enough place, he thinks. Easy on the eyes.
Gooblins begins inspecting the monetary units for any signs of counterfeiting, and is surprised to find that everything seems to be in order, albeit with some butterscotch residue here and there. Gooblins wipes off the monetary units and puts them in the vAult, before forgetting to fall asleep in said vAult, instead sleeping at the desk.
In the morning, Wadley descends through the floor to find sustenance, startling Gooblins. There were only three cookies left, which were not enough to sate Wadley's hunger. Wadley raids the breakfast buffet, eating many gallons of scrambled eggs, while Gooblins watches spitefully, but does not intervene.
Time to go, Wadley thinks. It's a nice little place. Wadley makes sure to tidy his room before exiting the inn. Upon leaving the inn, Wadley finds that, overnight, it seems a bunch of posters were put up around town, advertising a place called "James' Godless Museum 2.0". We will go, Wadley decides. Should be another fun thing to do in town. Wadley checks the address, finding that the museum is supposedly right on top of "James' Godless Museum 1.0". Wadley does not know where to find this place, so he breaks into the library before it opens to look it up on the computer. Unfortunately, the computer needs a password, but after brute forcing every possible password in an incomprehensibly small amount of time, Wadley signs in with the password of "guest". Wadley is in, but upon logging into the account, though not as a result of logging into the account, a strange force seems to emanate throughout the entire world, as though something great and dangerous has just taken hold. Wadley simply ignores this sensation, and opens yahoo dot com, searching "james godless museum address and business hours". The result simply says the museum is beneath James' Godless Museum 2.0, and Wadley's further attempts to find results yield no success, eventually leading to the computer repeatedly telling him to go to the basement. Wadley asks Librarin for the basement key.
"Why do you need it?"
"The computer said so, and we always listen to the computer, don't we?"
"That technology is tainting our youth."
"Would you rather I was out in the streets slash doing drugs?"
"Those people have no future anyways."
"Please just give me the key. I'll give it back right after. Stop being so stubborn."
"Roll for persuasion." Librarin says. For some reason, Wadley understands and acts on this, and as though some die has been rolled to determine the outcome, both Wadley and Librarin are informed that Wadley's roll was a measly seven, which is only enough to get Librarin to agree to negotiation.
"Tell you what, if you can organize all the books in the library in the next ten minutes, I'll give you the key."
Gotta do it now, Wadley thinks. If not, no fun day at the museum. Wadley begins at the top of the library, finding that most of the books are already diligently organized, save for section 69, which is notorious for being constantly vandalized, leaving disorganized books hidden and strewn all throughout the library. Wadley takes a simple approach of tracing the dust particles back to the processing plant in which the book pages were manufactured, and uses this to find all the books and put them back on their shelves, only using up four of the allotted ten minutes. With the remaining six minutes, Wadley continues to track down a few disorganized books using the bookprints they leave in the shag carpeting. While Wadley is at work, the books mysteriously seem to have been vandalized again by an unknown vandal, but when Wadley checks how much time he has left, he finds he has somehow gained two minutes on the clock, and now has eight remaining to complete his task. Wadley ultimately finds all books but one, and the bookprints for the final one lead into the basement, which is of course a conundrum. However, Wadley, crunched for time, has a genius idea, as he prepares to pickpocket the keys off of Librarin. Wadley manifests an item known as the d1, a one-sided die, also known as a marble, which is a critical success on every roll. Wadley uses this to guarantee that he will successfully pickpocket Librarin, and as Librarin is distracted by the distinct rolling sound of the d1 on the floor, Wadley enters the basement using her keys. The only downside to this tricky maneuver is that Librarin is now in possession of the legendary d1, and will remain so until she uses it to roll against someone, at which point it will be passed on to that other person.
Wadley treks into the dark basement, unable to see anything until he trips down a hole, leading him into James' Godless Museum 1.0. However, a mere ascension through the ceiling is all it takes for Wadley to access James' Godless Museum 2.0 from this point, which he achieves with great success . There seems to be quite a crowd in the museum, including some familiar faces, like Jonnnny, Indy, and Gamerman, but notably, James Godless is not yet present at the scene. All the exhibits in the museum seem to be displays of spilled milk, and everyone is wondering just what the big event is that was advertised.
"So, Jonnnny, when do you think James is gonna show up?" Indy asks.
"Who? I just heard they had good food here."
"James, the guy the museum is named after."
"Excuse me for interrupting, but did you say that they have food here?" Wadley interjects.
"Yeah, it said so on the posters." Indy affirms.
"Where is it?"
"Uh, I dunno, it's gotta be here somewhere."
Wadley mentally salivates at the thought of food, but decides that it can wait, because he wouldn't want to miss the main attraction.
"What does James Godless do that's so special?" Wadley inquires.
"Well, he got a museum, so he's gotta do something."
"Any clue why they opened a second one?"
"Dunno, never really looked at the first."
Wadley begins having flashbacks to nineteenth grade. Oof, that was a rough one. Wadley shudders at the memory of his nineteenth grade teacher, Mrs. Milkman. Wadley also ignores the fact that Mrs. Milkman seems to be in the crowd with him. Suddenly, the lights are dimmed, and a hush falls over the crowd, save for the nyctophobes, who all flee without even getting a refund. The sound of a microphone turning on can be heard, and then someone emerges from the crowd. Of course, it's James Godless himself.
"Good meronvoning everybody!" James says, and is met with enthusiastic applause. "Thank you all for coming to the grand opening of my second Godless Museum! At least, that's what it's called for now, but at the end of this opening party we'll be revealing the REAL name of this museum, as a special treat for anyone who stays to the end!"
"Is this really him?" Wadley asks, but nobody seems quite sure, since this guy was just hanging out in the crowd with the rest of them. "He said it was his museum, but I don't know if I buy into that."
"So, you may be asking, what exactly is this a museum of?"
Yeah, Wadley thinks. We are.
"Well, it is said that God, THE God, not to be confused with God, is with everybody everywhere, right? Well, not here! Long ago, God spilled his entire milk cabinet on this very spot, and ever since, has refused to touch it! This spot is truly godless!"
Wadley raises his hand to ask a question, towering over the crowd around him.
"Yes? You there in the back?"
"Why did he do that? Why is any of this?"
"Well, you see, The God is a very careless deity, which is why he has only one religion."
"I thought God was a book character."
"Yeah, that's why I specified THE God. I'm talking about THE God."
"Hi talking about THE God, I'm Dad!"
"No, not you, Dad." James sighs.
"How'd he get out of the book?" Wadley demands.
"Well, you know, when enough people open a book, it starts to loosen up a bit."
"Interesting, interesting." Wadley takes a mental note to go back to the library soon. "Are there actual exhibits, or are you just going to talk to us this whole time?"
James checks his average intelligence watch and realizes the end of the opening ceremony is already drawing near.
"Well, I'm glad you asked, because it looks like it's about time for the grand reveal!" James declares.
"Hi glad you asked, I'm Dad!" says Dad.
"It's not him." James groans, before pulling a curtain off the wall, revealing an enclosure with a sofa and some guy laying down on it. "Behold! This is no longer James' Godless Museum, and is now, James' Museum with God! Do you have anything to say, God?"
A microphone is lowered on the other side of the glass, and The God speaks into it in a doofy, mocking sort of voice.
"Hi, I'm GOD." says The God, before eating the microphone like a potato chip, creating a really unpleasant sound over the speakers. Most people at the museum seem very unimpressed by this reveal, and everyone begins to file out in a single file line, leaving James to drop to his knees and weep, having not even turned enough of a profit to make up for the costs of printing all those posters.
"Where's the free food, James?" Jonnnny demands, having stayed behind along with Indy and Wadley. James points to the party-size box of potato chips that he bought for this event, and Jonnnny, Indy, and Wadley take it with them as they leave the scene, leaving James and The God alone in the museum.